Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. But what do I say in it?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does it...

Now, don't forget to water the philodendron. Yeah, OK.

But don't touch the chamodoria.

Wouldn't dream of it.

If anything happens, ring me at Peggy's.

Happens? What do you mean, happens?

Well, you never know, something might.

Like what?

Well, I don't know, do I?

If I knew now, you wouldn't have to ring me when I'm there.

How long's Bernard away for?

Till Monday.

Annual convention of barbershop choirs in the Isle of Man.

Which reminds me, you need a haircut.

Oh, it's no good telling me that now with all of them leaving the country.

They're not barbers.

They're all sorts of people. Oh, is that so?

There we are.

Finished.

Marvellous. What is it?

Come on, I'll show you.

Well, come on, then.

What? Well, try and move the tally.

Whatever for?

Well, you're a burglar. Oh.

How did I get in?

The owner's pruning her roses at the bottom of the garden. Oh, well, that's

silly. Everybody knows the roses should be pruned. Mother!

Well, I can't lift that.

Well, just push it, then.

Ah!

Very clever.

Mercury switch inside.

Detects the slightest movement.

Fine.

provided the burglar doesn't happen to have a pencil.

It could be out of sight, maybe underneath the set or something. Anyway,

don't hang around once an alarm goes off.

Is that so?

Well, I suppose you get to know these things if you're fraternising with those

delinquents from across the water.

Oh, you mean Aunty Peggy?

You know who I mean.

Will she be going with you to Hilbury on Sunday?

No, it's a club, too. We're away the whole day.

Well, perhaps you'll meet someone nice.

Mother, I would have asked Brenda. The only reason I didn't was the early

Because we have to leave at six and the trains don't start till... Hey, although

I suppose I could.

Love letter straight from your heart.

I'll go.

The flowers for Miss Wilson. Yes, that's me. Oh, how lovely. Thanks very much.

Oh, Brenda, aren't they beautiful?

Oh, golly gosh, Pamela, they are too.

Where are we going to put them?

Well, I just can't think of where to suggest.

Oh, the bath.

And the mop bucket. And the washing up basin.

And the toilet. Hey, don't exaggerate.

Now, where?

Well, you can just stand there and wait for the others to die.

We shouldn't put them in milk bottles, really.

But what about the teapot?

Stick a couple in the spout, one through that little hole in the lid. Better

still, you can take the lid off and shove them away.

Would you take care of them for me? Only I'm in a mad dash.

What do you want me to do, nurse him to sleep?

Just see if there's some jugs or something.

So what does he do, this drippy David of yours? Besides hanging around flower

shops the way other fellas hang around betting shops?

He's a PR consultant.

A what?

Public relations.

They're setting up new offices in the Albert Dock.

Well, I was never going to send you flowers, though, sweeties, Brenda.

Unless it's extra large gobstoppers.

I wouldn't want no droopy Doreen sending me flowers anyhow.

Is this them? No, we're meeting in town.

Hiya. Hiya.

Wrong drip.

Hello, Pamela. Hello, Malcolm.

Hello, Brenda. Hello, Malcolm.

Well, what is it?

Oh, isn't that...

Have you got some?

Quick as lightning, isn't he?

Well, thanks, Malc, but the only problem is we haven't got anywhere to put them.

Give us your helmet.

Oh, very funny.

Have to be the teapot, then.

Right, I'm away.

If you two could finish off those chocks, I'd be grateful.

I don't want to be tempted.

Don't you make you want to throw up? Thanks, Pat. Give me a go to Sydney.

She's only gone to town, not Australia.

No, I mean Sydney. Have they made it up, then? No, you divvy, that's all over.

You've got to transfer her out of town.

It's locked from the waltzing suit you met last week.

Oh, I remember.

At Jumpers.

Yeah, thought you might.

What do you mean?

Well, you're not likely to forget an evening being chatted up by super

Susan Roberts, and I've told you she... Oh, come on, Brenda, let's not start

that again.

I don't trust you.

You've never bought me flowers before.

Look, Brenda... You must have a guilty conscience.

I've called to ask you something.

Mind you, it can only be a slightly guilty conscience looking at the state

them. And this Sunday, are you doing anything?

I'll probably be in bed with hay fever.

The column count in this room must be 300.

Brenda.

301, counting yours.

We're going out to Hilbury Island on Sunday with the club. A full day's bird

-watching. Black Red Star's been seen there this year.

What? A Black Red Star.

It was in one of your magazines.

You've been passing them on without reading them first.

Yes, well, never mind about it. Yeah, well, I'll test you next time.

I shouldn't think we'll see one Sunday, though.

You mean you'll come?

What time?

Ah, well, that's the problem, you see, cos the low water's at four. So we need

to set out by six before the tide comes in.

So we'll have to spend the night at ours.

OK.

Great.

Well, we'll just have a quiet evening Saturday, then, just the two of us. And

then early, um, early to, um... Oh, yeah?

And where's the hooded crow?

Don't be rude.

She's spending the weekend over here at me Aunty Peggy's nest.

So it's safe to ask me? What?

I'm only being invited because your old girl's away.

It's nothing to do with that.

Oh, why don't you give Susan Rabbit a ring?

I'm sure she'll appreciate a change of burrow.

Forget it. It was just an idea.

Brenda, I thought you were taking an interest.

I am.

It's just it'll be a really good day. Take a packed lunch and a few cans. I

think you'd really enjoy it. The fact that my mother's away has nothing to do

with it.

OK. What?

Okay, I'll come.

You will?

God, you change like the wind.

I was just testing.

And thanks for these.

Oh, it's nothing.

No, it's a thought that counts, really, isn't it?

Well, it wasn't a guilty conscience, honest.

I believe you.

I mean, when I say nothing, I mean, I have to be honest, they actually cost

nothing.

What?

Well, when I got here, there was a florist van outside and a bloke was

the back out. Oh!

Black Red Start started on Hilbury.

Who's right?

Brenda.

Brenda who?

Actually, I was about to tell you. Auntie Peggy rang yesterday.

Right in the middle of David Jacobs, till he can't say anything.

He had a long chat, but in the end I persuaded her.

I said, look, Bernard isn't getting a boat till midday. Simple enough for him

run you over first.

And then collect on the insurance.

Don't be perplexed.

After all, the air over this side is so much better.

Don't know how she can stand it with all that carbon dioxide.

I think you mean carbon monoxide from exhaust fumes.

Yes, well, twice as bad over there.

Carbon dioxide?

Hold on, did you say come in here?

You don't listen.

You can take her in a chair on the prom. Do her the world of good.

Well, they've got a prom and it's longer.

What's that to do with the price of fish?

Hell.

Malcolm, what's up with you?

You weren't planning anything for this weekend, were you?

Nothing devious?

I don't know what you mean.

£1 .50, please, sir.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Anyway, I'll borrow our Pamela's moon boot.

I'll probably need three pairs of socks.

Brenda. On each foot, that is.

We'd better cancel.

At least his phone.

Since when?

Well, just now. This afternoon I was on the phone to Leonard and he said the

permit hasn't come through.

The permit?

Yeah. Well, you need a permit to visit the main island.

Well, what did you phone?

Who? The permit man.

I think Leonard did. I'm sure he must have done.

I'll ring.

Ah, but no, it's not only that, you see. We misjudged the tides. We got the

wrong time for low water, so we couldn't get out there at six anyway.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, well, never mind, then.

Another time, perhaps?

Yeah, perhaps.

Right.

So there's no point in me coming across, then?

Well, no, not this time.

Well, maybe we'll go to the pictures instead, then.

I wonder what's on.

Go and ask Cedric if he can borrow his paper.

Can I borrow your paper for a minute?

Why, is the drink dead?

I'll get one in for him, will you?

I must hope for a feeder.

Just stack the three. There you go. Thank you.

Stop.

Well, now, let's see. What is there?

Now, of course, you wouldn't want to be stuck inside if it's a lovely day.

I wonder what it's going to be like.

Here we are. Page two. Weather report.

Oh, and what's this?

Tides. Low water. Liverpool Bay.

0400. What?

Amazing. Isn't that strange? It seems you were right all along.

Oh. I wonder how you could have got confused.

Unless, of course, you've set something up with Susan Rabbit.

Don't be soft.

I'd have to be soft to fall for all this bull you've been giving me about tides

and permits.

Do you think I came down in the last shower?

You're up to something, Stoneway, and it's got to smell of slaggy Susan about

it. No, no, Brenda, listen.

No, you listen.

I'll be round at your house at three o 'clock tomorrow, as arranged.

And on Sunday morning, we'll get up early and trek out to Hilbury.

And if that great -chested cuckoo should stick her beak over the horizon...

I'll tell you just one thing.

You and I can have adjacent beds.

In intensive care.

No, no, no, not her.

Lid in that house with the awful yellow snow, Sam, at the end of Buckingham

Palace Lane.

Oh, you must remember her.

She had varicose veins and a sun on the territorial.

It's my... It's my phone.

No, sorry.

I was talking to my sister.

Yeah, just for the weekend, fortunately.

Does she ever stop?

Only for meals.

Look, I must go now, Doris. I'll get back to you later, yes.

Bye.

Good. You've been cornering on one wheel, haven't you?

Only on Thursdays.

Pension day.

Yeah.

You can take me out in it later if you like. You look as if you need the extra

time. Thanks. But not till rugby league's finished.

Right. Well, I do have to meet somebody later.

Mother,

I've been meaning to have a word.

What about?

Well, you know, tomorrow... Malcolm, if you want cheese and chutney sandwiches,

you'll have to do them yourself.

Having an extra person here, especially with that person... Well, I say no more.

I suppose I did ask her. Why ever I do, I'll never know. Yes, well, talking

about guests... Blood is thicker than water, but things are much better when

keep the river between us.

Yeah, well, you know the other day when you said... Well, you sort of suggested

that Brenda might be going. Going?

With us tomorrow to Hilbury.

I did no such thing. Well, you said.

Hello? Interminable phone call, limited.

Oh, oh, just a moment, please. I'm afraid Marjorie's asked to take five

off to have a gargle.

Hey, give it here.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mrs Lloyd -Roberts.

Yes, my sister. Well, she is an invalid, actually.

Can I borrow your moon boots?

Yes, if you want them in my wardrobe.

No, they're not. They're in my bag.

You should ask first.

You might have said no.

My face still isn't right.

Come on, love. You look beautiful to me.

and that cushion.

What? A pair of glasses.

A belt there, will you? I'll get me two.

It's just a joke. You're looking smashing, honestly, kid.

Doesn't she? Yeah, she's great.

Great as in big and heavy?

No, I didn't say that.

Well, you could be right.

I mean, she is sort of short for a poundage, but that's just distribution,

it? I mean, she'd be dead slim if she was seven foot three.

What's she been saying?

Nothing, just how well you've been looking.

Partly. We're taking a run to Chester. A bit of shopping, a meal, then on to the

gateway. It's a theatre.

Oh, isn't it?

Take no notice, she acts dumb.

Very convincing.

Oh, well, if you're going across that way, do you think you could drop me off?

Happily. She wants you should stop the car first.

Oh, well.

Sorry, no.

Oh, go away. Don't be tight. You could go by Mel.

Should we?

Well, it's a bit out of our way.

But you wouldn't mind.

For anybody else.

Oh, come on, you two. You know I was only kidding.

For Wiley Gregory.

Malcolm,

I told you, no.

What? You have to make your own sandwiches.

You're a big boy now.

So, Bradston Northern, coming back into it.

We're back to square one.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, no.

I mean, there's something I need to tell her, but every time I go to her,

something happens and I can't.

And I know when I do, she's not going to be too pleased.

Although I really hope she makes any difference. After all, I have as much

as she has.

Is there anything I can do?

No, it's all right.

Malcolm, you'd better... I've got an idea.

Hi. Well, have you checked the train times?

Oh, well, that's no good. We have to leave at six.

You'll have to spend the night here, then. All right, well, I'll see you at

three o 'clock. Bye.

What's that?

I just spoke to Brenda. I asked her over.

You what?

I have to stay the night because we're at the start tomorrow.

But we haven't got room with the... the old Sussler, eh? Oh, poor thing.

She can have my room. I'll sleep on the settee. Oh, no.

Your mother will sleep on the settee.

I certainly will not.

Oh, well, I'll sleep on the settee.

I'll go.

Oh, it's quite ridiculous.

Oh, well, I'll sleep on the settee.

Hey.

Look.

You're not here yet.

Aren't I?

Well, who's this wearing me coats? I mean, you're early. I've got a list.

Oh, God, look, stay here a minute, will you? What's going on?

No, I'll be back in a minute.

Don't move.

Oh, the front door slammed behind me.

Well?

Well? Who was it?

The paper boy.

Oh, he's early.

Oh, where is he?

What? The paper.

Oh, he forgot it.

Forgot it?

At least he bought the wrong one.

Oh, Marge, Marge.

What? What? That pop forward.

He's twisted our fella zero.

I'm not interested in that.

Right, well, I'll just toddle off to the station and meet Brenda, then. She

can't stay here.

Of course she can.

I thought you said three o 'clock.

Ah, well, he's taking me out first, you see, and we're going the long way round.

You realise there's been screen sheets on your bed for just one night?

So could your girlfriend stay for a bit longer?

No, she... Hey,

are you two going birdwatching tomorrow?

back as a pair of you.

You might be right.

I don't know how I'll let him talk me into these things.

Oh, he always had a way with words, did our little Malcolm.

He knows doesn't he?

to stick to schedule.

Does she... Actually, I thought she was supposed to be staying with you.

Originally, yes, but she was on the phone on Wednesday and she suggested...

you all right?

Oh, yes, yes, he needs a drink.

In fact, we all do.

Look, there's an off -licence round the corner.

No, Peggy, you'll get me into trouble. Well, you needn't go.

Here you are, love. Half a bottle of gin and something for yourself.

If Mum finds out, you tell her you've bought it with you.

But don't panic. I'll decant it into something else.

Anyway, thanks for your help.

By the way, how did you notice Brenda at the door?

Oh, I guess.

After your pretend home call.

Pretend? Well, I wanted to watch my rugby in peace, so I unplugged the

hadn't I?

And me and Bernard, we used to take our little nephews swimming every Saturday.

Well, this particular time, he had a new pair of trunks. I really don't think

Brenda's... That his mother admitted for him.

Peggy, I really don't think Brenda's that interested in you.

the ladder, you know, to pull himself out. Do you like swimming, Brenda?

There's still a bounce in it yet.

Oh, guess what? It was so funny. There he was, with his locker key on a little

rubber band round his ankle, looking out.

Here's all your things, Malcolm.

You can wash in the kitchen.

There'll be no need for you to be going upstairs.

Oh, spoilsport.

asking little one here to give me a leg up.

Oh, that's right, love, thank you. Oh, I tell you what, love, if anybody ever

offers to give you arthritis, tell them you don't want it.

Oh, look at all that.

There you go.

Oh, Malcolm, could you pick up my Lucas -Aid, please?

I've had a visitor.

Aunty Peggy?

Where is she?

She's in me bed.

Or rather, your bed.

She gets confused.

I couldn't wake her.

That's because she's got this habit of knocking her sleeping pills back with

gin.

Probably best if you go into her bed in the spare room.

Or you.

There's obviously far too much Malcolm for this sofa.

I'll be OK.

I'll fight you for it.

On your own?

You'd better stay that way, little Miss Jeroboam.

So where were we?