Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

Not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

My God, who shot him?

It's a turn.

So what shall we do? Applaud.

There he goes.

Hey, are those over there Dunlin?

Oh, yes, very good.

Dunlin and Oyster Catchers.

And what about that big one with the green head?

Is that a Meganza?

Oh, I see. No, it's a shell duck.

Is it Lud?

Looks like a bird to me.

You can't resist, can you? Well, Mark, don't make me say these things. I'm

reformed, remember?

Sorry. It's all right. Just don't do it again.

You don't believe me, do you?

Yes. Yes?

Yes, I don't believe you.

Listen, Stowell, have you known I've turned over a new leaf? When?

Thursday, in the library.

Oh, no, not again.

No, it's true. I'm serious. I got three books out, and do you know what they're

about? Birds.

What? Birds. You've got three books out on birds and bird watching.

You've been pooping in our library.

You told me the other night in the grapes.

Oh, was that you?

You talk too much, you forget what you've said.

It's not so warm.

Don't get excited.

Hey, Malk, you know what I'd really like to see?

The mate and dance of the great crested grebe.

You at it again?

I'm serious.

I saw pictures of them in one of my books.

They look brilliant.

I suppose we could go out to Palmere, if you like.

Because there's some there.

Brenda, I thought you were serious.

I am, I am. I'm serious. I want to see the grebes.

Take that off, then.

It's all right.

It's just camouflage.

Stupid.

Hey, see that little one? Is that a ringed plover?

Where? Down on the mud.

Oh, yes, very good.

Not just a pretty hat.

You don't know another one, right?

And over to the left, is that Sandling?

Yeah, right again.

Bender? Just a minute.

Are those herring gulls down by the water?

No, no, they're little gold, actually. See, they're black heads.

Only in your neck.

Brenda, I've got something to tell you.

What?

I'm gone.

Brown with red legs. Isn't that a red shunk?

Oh, yes.

I'm good, aren't I? Very good.

But I've got to make a confession.

I've been cheating.

What do you mean, cheating?

Well, I only pointed the bird and Donald whispered in my ear what make it is.

You've got to change.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

What was it you wanted to tell me? Nothing. It'll mean nothing to you.

All right, Mark, don't be like that.

Come on, cheer up.

You've got a convert here.

I've got a clown here.

Come on, we'll move further along. The tide's coming in and the water rail will

be flushed up the mark.

Gerard. And I'm afraid we've possibly had a refusal at the water jump.

You look a fool.

Take your notice, Donald.

One day you'll be a swan.

Shut up, shorty. When you're as tall as me, you can boss me about.

Good day to you. You should take me back to the hospital.

Hello.

Brenda, sit down a minute.

Yes, Doctor?

I got a letter this morning.

Oh, I see, and you want me to read it to you?

I would like you to read it.

OK, let's have a look.

I'll see you somewhere.

Oh, yeah. Mum!

Not to change us.

If I ever go out with you, the one thing I can guarantee is I did that death.

Mother should have warned me about muttonheads from Mel.

Especially those brought off in Chorley. Have you finished? All she ever said

was, don't go in the Goodison arms if Everton have lost.

What a good that was.

Friend, it was your own fault.

You let me go.

I should have done that six months ago.

Oh, so that's how it is, is it? Right, well.

Oh, no.

There was me, happy and singing me little socks off.

Flat as a fluke.

Got a cold?

Oh, a puncture. It's been a slow.

I thought it was a bit heavy on the way as you kept pulling left. Stupid old

pile of junk. You want to take it behind a tree and shoot it?

Not a bad idea, but it's not the bike I'd shoot. There's no time for suicide.

Get me over here.

It'll have to be ours.

I'll drive slowly. You'll have to lean out right as far as you can take the

weight off it.

You've got to be joking.

No, I'm serious.

There's a coat and slippers on the door when you're finished.

Oh.

Sure as eggs are baked and she won't clean the bath.

Oh, no.

having a bath.

Oh, right.

Yes, don't try and picture it.

I put a thing in the washer.

She was absolutely soaked through.

So it's been.

If I hadn't been here, you'd let a trail half a Burton Marsh across my living

room.

If I had. I assume that's where you've been. And other places. It was Brenda's

idea. That was.

Swimming in it. Bird watching. She'd become quite keen.

Oh, yes.

Yes, and she's got library books out as well. Well, I hope she doesn't turn the

corners down.

Oh, God. Mother.

Mother, please don't tidy me workbench.

It's Mucky.

He's a good scrubbing.

What did she say when you told her your news?

I didn't get round to that.

I thought as much.

See how long the interest in birdwatching lasts when you do.

Far more in common than you think.

Same taste in party frots for the start.

Coffee anyone?

I'll get it. You wouldn't know which cups to use. I want sugar for Malcolm.

I know.

And when you do decide to do something about that bench, just say the word and

I'll get you a scrubber.

Another one.

What's she saying?

Oh, nothing. She thinks the bench is dirty.

I wish she wouldn't touch things. I've lost a washer.

Well, you just have to use the laundress.

What's that? What have you got in here? Here it is. What? Oh, yeah, it's OK,

isn't it?

Fantastic.

What's this?

This is a myford lathe.

That's a drill press.

And over here...

I've got a gas welding and brazing kit.

That's me bench grinder.

This mid -set welder, and I'm loud, you mean. And stainless steel.

That's me exhaust gas. All right, all right, I'm impressed.

And you can use all of this luck, can you? Of course I can.

I do all my own maintenance, and I'm very inventive. Make all sorts.

See this coat hanger?

I made it myself out of an old car aerial.

You'd better stand still. If you get oil on that housecoat, somebody will pull

your arm out and hit you with the soggy end.

Mark? Yeah?

You're different.

Must be the full moon. Once you get dark, my eye teeth, my hands will go all

airy. I don't believe it.

You wait till this evening.

I've never seen you like this before.

What? You mean it's happening already?

I was sort of beneath that wet and wimpy exterior. There was an interior just as

wet and twice as wimpy.

Yeah, well, you can't be much cop as a people watcher then, can you? Otherwise

you'd have realised that this Dr Jekyll has more than one hide.

Get it? It's a triple play on the word hide, see?

Hide it in skin, but also birdwatches. Don't explain.

You're different.

It must be this place.

What's more, we've had six jokes and one of them was almost funny.

Coffee!

I'll just wash me paws.

Your

clothes

are washed and in the dryer.

Thanks. Just hope all that mud hasn't damaged the machine.

No, it's good quality mud.

It's Burton's best.

So your ornithological activities had to be curtailed, did they?

Eh?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you see, what happened was, we were in the reed bed stalking this hen,

we? When I spotted this fledgling with his foot entangled in some fishing line.

So I reached out to it, and then suddenly this frog, well, actually a big

jumped out.

So I pulled me out... Did my coffee? Yeah.

Frightened by a large toad? Oh, no, I'm used to him.

On the marsh?

Oh, yeah. A natterjack, I think. Had a big yellow stripe down its back.

That's nice.

Pictures in your library books, are there?

Eh? Did you know that the natterjack is Britain's rarest amphibian?

Present company accepted, of course.

How did you say the Brenda got so muddy?

Fell off a wall.

Oh. Oh, yeah, well, I was coming to that.

It was because of him I lost my balance.

Oh, yes.

But he hasn't told you what he's lost.

Well, I haven't lost anything yet.

And who says you're going to?

And hey, Mark, I thought you were saving yourself.

Brenda, I've been trying to tell you all day. He's losing his job. Well, of

course, but... Your job?

Things are being taken over by mod shops.

And the story is, they're shutting down all the stuffy little gents' outfitters

and getting rid of all the stuffy little gents. What, like Malcolm?

Yeah.

And Cassie had Terry.

Mind, Malcolm reckons Terry will be OK because he'll go back to Amalemstead.

So it's not all bad news.

Pam, it's not like news should be nasty.

Yes, it is.

You're right, it is.

Where's the knives and forks?

Hey, Pam, why are you such a miserable old bat, these? days?

Must be the company I keep Sydney playing hard to get rid of, is he?

I meant you. But yes, he is.

He's back to his nasty worst.

I used to enjoy my job, but these days I just can't wait till Friday.

Then I'm depressed all weekend at the thought of Monday.

Do you know, it's taken that prac all of five years to get to grips with things

in our department.

Yeah, well, it's such a lot to get hold of.

You're just so petty.

No, I've had enough.

I think I might soon be joining you and Malcolm at the job centre.

What? Just pack it in.

All this time I've been coaxing him along, covering up for his mistakes,

excuses to his clients and to his bosses.

And all the thanks I get is a whinging, nitpicking criticism of everything I do.

Hey, now, look, my secretary's known more about the job than the bosses. It's

British tradition.

But just because your package is getting a bit croppy, it doesn't mean you'd

have to get off the bus.

Who are I for you to talk? You don't know what he's like.

Well, couldn't you complain to your mum?

What about his boss?

No chance, the golfing mate.

No, I think I'll just hand me notice in and see what else is going.

Nothing.

What?

There's nothing going.

God, Pam, haven't you heard?

There's a little roving called Unemployment Loose in this town, and the

Piper's got his feet up in the Bahamas.

I can't stand it any longer.

Now, look, I don't want to come the heavy sister on this.

Well, I couldn't really, could I?

Well, I think you're being a bit hasty. Well, you'd better think of your

responsibilities. Like what?

Well, like me for a start.

Hey, and that's another thing. Your appetite's outside the UB40 range.

It'll help you, Flynn.

Well, think of the corner grocer.

Yeah. Pamela, without your support, he'll have to shut down a whole chest

freezer.

And the clothes, and the rent, and clothes, and the phone.

And clothes.

And the gas and electricity and clothes.

Plenty of clothes.

Yeah, well, they'll be no good for you when you lose the first six stone.

Look, I dress smart for work. No work, no need to.

Pamela, you don't know what you're saying.

One in four young people are out of work around here.

If you and Malcolm and Teddy join me, there'll be four out of four which will

ruin the statistics and we'll all go to jail.

Think about it, Mel.

This could be the best thing that's ever happened to us.

We'll get intact.

No. All the Sheffield branch have been.

The policy is that staff of a reasonable age are offered a transfer to the

nearest mud shop.

Just happens the Sheffield crowd were a bunch of granddads.

One of them used to work here, Alan Chambers. He was only 34.

Precisely. We're talking modern menswear, fella.

You hit 30 and the next stop's Harris Tweed and the old folks' home.

You said Harris Tweed was in. That was last September.

Of course.

So, er, where does all this leave me, then?

I suppose you are a bit marginal.

Tell you what, I'll have a look in some of me magazines.

See if there's anything in the spring collection that'll knock a year or two

you. Spring collection?

Shh, just out.

Rumour is Tartan Flair's are due for a comeback.

Not on me, they're not.

Yeah. Well, I'll check up on that one.

Perhaps give Bruce Oldfield a ring.

Listen to it.

Oh, you are dodgy, man.

All that luggage under your eyes and them wrinkles.

How long you had then?

Came with the face.

Maybe an high polo neck.

And a floppy hat.

Have you got any earrings? Get off.

You've got to think positive, Malcolm. I do, and I'm positive. I'm not wearing

earrings. Malcolm, mod shops are a great outfit to work for, provided you're

trendy, keen and with it.

I'll just stay dowdy, blunt and without it, thank you.

Get the commission.

One percent on all sales.

Will we get that here? Yeah, trouble is. We don't sell anything.

And there's jumpers.

Cashmere, of course.

A nightclub in Matthew Street.

All employees of Mod Shops International have free membership.

I had a wander along last night.

Very lively.

Jumpers. Bit of a flea pit, is it? Very smart.

And a plentiful supply of the necessary.

DDT? Women.

Some white ravers and all.

There was this one there in this leather outfit that fitted just everywhere.

What was she? An Aberdeen Angus?

You going out?

The mum.

You coming?

No, Malcolm was bringing me jeans back.

Oh, aye?

It's all right. It's not what you'd think.

He went to ride the other day when I left, so the old crow let me wrap

okay? And now he wants it back?

Poor me.

It wrapped around me so many times, it looked like a roll of staircase carpet.

That reminds me, when did you last back in that landing?

Thursday. Which Thursday?

I don't know. Some Thursday.

Stop picking on me, you. It's not my fault Heath and Sid's giving you a bad

time. I'm just sick of carrying people.

You included.

I do me bit.

I do all the cooking.

Like fish finger kebab.

Well, I like to be original.

And washing.

Do you mean you'd take it down the laundrette and ruin it?

Where's my silk flower?

Oh, I did it by hand.

So where is it?

Well, it blew off the line into next door's garden and, well, you were having

such a good time, I thought I'd collect it tomorrow.

Next door's kids.

They're camping out, innit?

Best you.

Stay inside the mouth.

I was listening to that. Tough.

You'd better go first. She might be throwing things.

The only thing I'll be throwing is you.

Out. Sorry, I only brought her jeans back.

Here I'm talking to.

She causing trouble again?

As ever.

Hey, you might be getting the push.

Could be.

We've had the preliminary notices.

I expect the letter in about three weeks.

Well, last one to the job centre for 50.

Right. Pam's a bit unhappy at work.

I'm leaving.

Well, let's not be too hasty about this.

I mean, Cluffy might get a transfer to head office in Bournemouth and get run

over by a hare.

Yeah, or maybe he'll be doing one of his bark rubbings and a tree will fall on

him or something.

That's the way he tells them.

Rector, where do you go to sign off?

DHSS. Where's that?

I don't know where yours is. Look, it's no fun, you know.

How much money do you get?

Well, nothing for six weeks. And then not enough to keep you in silk blouses.

And you have to go every week?

Fortnightly. Look, are you two winding me up?

It'd be nice to lie in, though.

Seven days a week. No, it's not.

Then you can shut up.

You want to go easy on Pamela or she'll throw you out again. I'll do that.

Yeah, well, we'll both be out if she leaves the job.

Stupid lump doesn't realise how tough things are out in gyro land.

Well, don't be so rude, then. You antagonise people.

Like you?

Sometimes.

Yeah, well, she's my sister and you're... Well, you don't count.

Careful, you nearly said something nice there.

Hello. It's all these visits to Mel's.

Next thing I'll be breeding Siamese cats and pressing wildflowers.

With you, it's more likely to be the other way round.

Your jeans are in the bag.

Right.

Oh, my mum said to remind you that that skirt is dry -clean only.

What? I only had it on for an hour. She can get lost.

I'll do it myself.

Don't you dare.

If they charge by the square yard, it'll cost a bomb.

Brenda, don't be so horrible.

You're always going on about people's physical appearances.

No, I'm not.

It's just that I'm surrounded by loads of fatties and longies.

Longies?

Longies. You're a longie.

I think you've got to hang up about these things. They say that short people

tend to be aggressive.

And violent and argumentative. Shut it.

Little headbutt you'd in the kneecap.

OK, I give in.

Don't you dare fight me.

Hello?

Yeah, I'll just get him.

It's your mother. Her cauldron sprung a leak.

Oh, in an hour or so.

All right, as soon as I can.

What?

Jammed in the pump?

No, I've no idea. I'll see you shortly.

The washing machine's flooded the kitchen.

She took the plate off the pump and it was all jammed up with little bits of

yellow plastic.

Oh, no, poor Donald.

Well, I'd better go.

What about Thursday?

What about birdwatching?

Are you serious?

I thought you'd had it about up to here with birdwatching. Or in your case, up

to here.

You're looking to get your leg in a sling.

OK, OK, birdwatching it is. But this time, on my terms, I definitely want to

those grebies doing the square dance.

Oh, the courtship display.

Suit yourself.

You really are hooked, aren't you?

Well, it's allowed.

Just cos I haven't got a job.

And I'm little and... Sorry.

I suppose we did go on a bit.

But I'll still go bed watching, even though he's gone.

Eh?

Well, Donald would have wanted me to.

See

this

one, where he spreads his wings?

That's called the cat display.

Brilliant.

What about the penguin?

Oh, that's towards the end.

They dive in and come up together, sort of tiptoe, beating the feet to keep

vertical.

Well, let's have a go at your binoculars. They're better than mine.

There they go.

What are the old ones?

Weed.

Look, I've told you, I can't help being little.

Oh, look, he's offering her a fish.

Oh, hey, Mal, can you never do that for me?

Yeah, wait till you see what she has to do for it.

I think I'll go back in the hide.

You coming?

Oh, no, she's back early.