Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not the right deal.

I'm not gentle or genteel.

Doesn't question should be what does it.

I've got one shop with a few things left in it, but I'll catch that tomorrow.

Do you want a hand?

Yes, please.

Well, don't betray him yourself.

Try not to.

Hey, next year we swap.

I'll lounge around in an office all year and you can do the crazy shopping. No.

Well, suit yourself.

You've not got any.

I wouldn't argue with that.

You've got the dates, but no nuts. Why?

Well, there wasn't any more room left on the camel.

And where's the Christmas paper?

Well, you said we had some left over from last year's prezzies and you were

going to iron it.

Oh, that won't be enough. I put it on the list.

Well, I lost the list. You idiot.

It's all right, though. I've got a photographic memory.

Hey, it was a 10 -ounce turkey and 14 pounds of stuffing, wasn't it?

That's what you need.

Ooh, what's this, eh? Nothing.

Presents, is it? Something for me?

No, I got yours last week from the 50p shop.

For Malcolm.

Might be. What is it? An EMU pyjama case?

You've looked.

Oh, we've still got the family's presents.

Oh, we'll talk about them tomorrow.

Here's the list.

Are you seeing Sydney over Christmas?

No, well, it's family, isn't it? It doesn't have to be. Well, it is.

Anyway, we've got the office party on Tuesday.

We'll probably leave a bit early.

Separately, of course.

Of course.

And Chrissy Day, are you going to Mum's? Yes, and you are.

Brenda, what's this?

Well, it was on your list.

Mind you, you're writing terrible.

That says crepe paper, you bitch.

Do I?

Well, I'm not mean, am I, Malcolm?

No, nobody would call me mean.

But I do think two pounds a foot is a bit much.

At least that's what Pickering's are charging.

Mind his father was the same when he had the business.

I can remember him wanting two shillings for the sprig of holly. They're more

like a piece of varnished privet.

And throughput's extra if you wanted berries.

What's he doing?

Sorting photographs.

Oh. Well, if you come across that one of me with the Historical Society in

Stockport, put it to one side, will you?

Why they ever chose Stockport, I'll never know.

The only things historical there were the almond macaroons we had for tea.

Now, where was I?

Two pounds a foot. Right.

If it's anything like that monstrosity you sent last year, it can go straight

back. Fix what I asked for.

There's nothing growing sideways after the first three.

Look like a broom handle and a clump of nettles.

I mean, what is the point of standing a tree near your window if nothing shows

above the sill?

Well, there was the fairy. I suppose she did look a bit lonely.

Yeah. And what was it that fool milkman said?

Oh, yeah.

Who's been teaching the fairy to pole vault?

That's right, so he did.

Well, he needn't bother ringing next week with his annual smile.

It's compliments of the season from all at the depot.

Compliments of the season?

Oh, what'll it be?

Oh, just an orange juice, please, Sidney. And an orange.

Certainly, sir.

So what do we get me, Mum?

She wants a new coat.

Right. So it's famous last year? Yeah, a pair of slippers.

Arsandra? Aye.

Now, it's welcome, but I can see the resemblance.

What resemblance?

Spikey Eyre lives with Mormon and he shaves twice a week.

What are we buying, Arsandra?

Well, we could get her a big ugly ornament that'll go alongside the

and get in everybody's way.

Why? Well, it'll make a pair with that fella she's going with.

Same as last year.

Toilet water.

Yeah, the big bottle from both of us. But this time you can get it. I just

putting my hand down there.

Well, it stops you biting your nails.

Which reminds me, where's my nail file?

I don't know. You borrowed it. I'm a scissor. I'm fed up with you borrowing

things and losing them.

Well, you borrowed me UB40 so you could get in the health club half price.

And it's not right, really, is it? I mean, someone like you ought to pay

Finished your list?

Nearly. Just one to go.

So it's last, and by every means least, our dear old nan.

She dropped a couple of hints the last time I was there.

Well, let me guess.

A new snooker coon from after a wait for her barbell.

Bed socks or gloves.

We could give her one of these.

A pair of slippers.

Have you done all your Christmas shopping now, Mal?

Not much to do, really.

Your mum take care of it all, does she? More or less. I think this year I'm

buying her a non -stick, full compartment egg poacher.

Fantastic.

I suppose it's all done for you too, is it?

Well, that sort of thing's woman's work, really, isn't it?

Oh, good old Sydney. The original pink -skinned, snug -nosed, curly -tailed

chauvinist. I was thinking of taking a run out your way on Sunday, cos we need

tree. Oh, Delamere Forest.

Yeah, that's the place.

Hey, do you hear that, Pamela? They've got trees in their forest.

You're keen on trees, aren't you? Yes, my hobby.

Boring.

Actually, I'm quite friendly with one of the foresters and he sees me right each

year, if you know what I mean.

Look, if you're going Sunday, don't go to that lay -by where they sell them.

There's a turn -off just before. Leads up to an old hut. I can meet you there.

Yeah, OK.

Are you doing anything Sunday?

Well, I was going to get our pet camel a bath.

Camel -er?

No, the other one.

Shut it.

Well, I haven't anything planned.

Why not come over?

Suppose I could.

I usually go for a leisurely 18 holes Sunday morning, so I shan't be missed.

I'll fix Malcolm up with the trees day, 10 o 'clock.

Yeah, OK.

Malcolm will need to get home.

To put it in water.

Shut her up, will you?

Hold on a minute. How do I get back?

I'll bring you to the station.

Oh, big deal.

And how does she get to this forest?

Well, I thought... Well, who says I'll lend him?

Well, he is coming for a tree.

Not from here, though.

Oh, well, it was just an idea. Forget it.

Well, maybe we could.

Perhaps make a day of it.

We say you'll see it here about nine, Malk.

Uh, yeah, OK.

That's how he gets me all of a tremble. He's so decisive.

Hold on.

What about me?

Well, with you, it's more of a squirm than a tremble.

Look, I wasn't really taken with the idea of riding from here to Delamere on

back of the antique sewing machine.

But one thing is but deaf, though. I'm not riding in that girlfish bowl.

Oh, don't worry, you won't break it. I'll break you.

Now, now.

Malk. What?

Go on, persuade her, show her your muttles. I'm not going anywhere near

stupid... Oh, don't be an odd fuddy, it'll be dead good. I've told you, I'm

riding in it. OK, OK, I give in. We'll swap over halfway.

Brenda, you talk too much.

Me? Yes.

Oh, well, that's great, isn't it?

Here's me fixing up a day out for you lot, and that's all the thanks I get.

Look, I'll run you to Delamere on Sunday, provided you put these somewhere

Like where?

Like there.

They look nice.

Talking of Christmas, Christmas Day, I thought I might go someplace. That'll be

all right.

Yes, that'll be all right.

Provided that some place is this place.

But, Mother, the thing is... Malcolm, we are talking about Christmas Day.

You may, and these days you certainly do, do as you please the other 364, but

Christmas Day is here.

But, Mother, look... Well, the thing is...

I'll wait.

Okay, it's your turn.

Oh, God.

Oh, just one thing. You'll need this if you're going to ride Cillian.

Oh, that's too small.

I should have thought.

Now, you knew.

Hey, look!

What? Didn't he?

No, on that branch. I think it's a crossbill.

Crossbill? What's he on about?

He's just been in another sparrow.

You always call him by the fair's names.

He doesn't look too upset to me.

Where? On that fur cone. It's a male.

Well, how can you tell?

He's got brilliant binoculars.

Brown, the female's green. Shh! Listen.

Are you lot supposed to meet Sid Clough?

Yeah, where is he?

This one's Pam.

Me.

Sent this.

And I've got something for you.

Well?

Er, I'll just make it a bluey.

You left something on this morning.

What? The Frodsham Homemade Wine Taster's carol service.

Oh, God, that's just dicking.

Yes, you've got this wine. He'll pay for this.

No, it's all right. I've paid.

It's only been delayed, has he?

Delayed today.

Demolished tomorrow.

Oh, let's get out of here.

We've had a problem.

Not really.

Slim as my wafer for sister is, there's no way we're going to get air and the

Christmas tree into the goldfish bowl.

Oh, yes, we can.

Oh, no, we can't. Look, you two, I've had enough pantomime for one day. Oh,

you haven't. Oh, yes, we... It's all right, don't worry. I've got a little

dickie.

That's what it's called, dickie feet.

I'm not going to ask why.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I'm not riding in that.

Dangerous. Only for you.

Brenda, take the notice. It's perfectly safe, honestly.

It is not.

Oh, yes, it is.

Brenda, shut up. Come on, Pam, you'll be OK.

Back and on your left.

And don't forget to wash your hands.

Malk? Yeah?

What are you doing, Chrissy?

Well, I work Christmas Eve.

Lucky you.

But I get a day off in lieu.

Oh, well, Pamela should be out by then.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Come to our flat, Chrissy Day.

I can't.

You can't?

Well, not Christmas Day.

I mean, Aunty Peggy and Uncle Bernard always come here. It's a sort of

tradition. Well, break it.

Well, I couldn't really. We, er, we do things.

The day's sort of mapped out, you know.

Christmas dinner, the Queen at three.

Does she come?

We've done the same for years now. It's a sort of ritual, I suppose.

We swap presents about four. Then at five, me cousin always rings.

Aunty Peggy's son.

Then we all gather round the phone, each have a little chat with him.

Where is he, Australia?

No, Blackpool.

He's a chef and he works Christmas.

Then we have a Christmas dinner.

All wearing paper hats?

Yeah. And after, well... Don't tell me, you play charades?

No, of course not.

Subutio.

Subutio? Just me and my Uncle Bernard.

Oh, God.

Well, he did buy me the latest England strip.

I don't believe it. I'll show you if you like. Mal!

What about you? What do you do?

Doesn't matter.

I just thought you'd do the same.

What, play Subutio? Go to your mum's.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm a big girl now who's left home.

And I don't intend traipsing to my mother's every Christmas with the choice

either sitting in one room watching the telly or in another listening to my nan

telling us about the bloody air raids.

You could come here.

I don't want to.

Thank you.

Look, Pam will be going to my mum's and we could have the flat to ourselves.

Understand?

I'll be.

I can't. You mean you won't?

Christmas, it's only once a year.

Oh, you've been peeping at next year's calendar.

I mean, well, I'd like to, but me mother... Oh, forget it.

Everything all right?

What would you sourpuss?

Sourpuss? Well, it's probably because I've been going with a prized lemon.

Pamela, what are you doing Christmas Day? Me? I'm going to me mum's. And what

about Brenda? She'll be coming too.

No. You'd better or she'll be really upset.

She's dead sentimental, our mum.

If you don't come, she'll break your legs.

Did you really want to?

Just the two of us?

Doesn't matter.

Look, perhaps we could... Someone's coming up your path.

Oh, it's me mother.

Let's hope she likes the tree.

things up or is it just instinct?

Close your eyes. Why?

I've got a surprise.

Ah, nothing silly at all.

Just keep them closed.

Right.

Ready?

Open them. Ta -da.

Oh, it's you.

Can I close them again?

There. Isn't that a beauty?

A Christmas tree. Right.

Wrong.

to cause a family feud, but I think he's right.

No, he's not.

What do you say, Pam?

Your sister?

Every little ounce.

Hello.

My commiserations.

Malcolm, if you look in the garage, do you know what you'll find?

Wait for it.

A Christmas tree. It's like lightning, you know. From figurines.

Ordered and delivered yesterday.

Oh, I didn't know.

Of course not, you never hear.

Oh, well, thanks.

a lovely day out. It was very jolly, really, but we'll be making our way up

the station.

Don't rush off. I was just going to make a coffee. Please don't leave on my

account. We'd best get back.

Yes, back home to write about our adventures.

The famous three nick a Christmas tree.

Nick? Take no notice. We got it sort of trade price through a friend in

Frodsham. Well, I'd suggest giving it to Auntie Peggy.

She's gone all funny about these things since she's joined the Green Party.

I'll put the kettle on.

Do you want a Christmas tree? No, thanks very much. We have a nice little

plastic number that doesn't take up much room. As a present.

Oh, that's very kind.

Yes, it is kind, but really they do tend to shed their spines and I don't want

to spend the next two weeks ankle deep in... Oh, you exaggerate.

Thanks very much, Mark. It's really nice of you.

We can put it in the corner by the telly. All the sweet browns are every

Oh, you say that now.

But anyway, are we going to get a... Oh, no.

Oh, no, not again.

What, you mean a wand fell off the back of a lorry?

Is that your Christmas joke?

Yeah. No more, eh? OK.

You can put me down now, Malk.

Malk, you can put me down. Say please.

Please. Say pretty please. Oh, Malk. Pretty please. Pretty please.

Say pretty please with green spots.

Pretty please with green spots.

OK.

Ow. You're off your head.

Be the company I keep.

having a good time at mum's yeah me too um mark yeah do you want your prezzy now

now i can wait are you sure yeah it's all right you pig

do you want yours yeah it's not really time i'll give it you first

Room for one more inside.

Oh, you're growing to it.

Yeah.

Well? Oh, thanks.

Is that it?

Sorry.

For you. I thought it might be.

Great. Thought you might keep it in your handbag.

Have you got one in yours?

They're really useful.

And see, you won't have to borrow from Pamela now because... There's a little

pair of scissors there.

See? A nail file.

A pair of tweezers.

Swiss Army.

Very useful, thanks.

And, of course, a knife.

It'll be dead handy if they ever join the Swiss Army.

Well, that's that, then. Yeah.

It's nearly three.

Eh? Nearly three.

Oh, right. Should I switch it on? It's a tradition.

Uh, Brenda?

Yeah?

Don't you think you need to adjust the brightness?

Oh, right.

Better? Perfect.

It's a nice little pad to go.

Must be hard to decorate.

Sorry, Madge.

Merry Christmas.

Hi. Hi there, Pamela. What are you doing here?

I could ask the same.

We're playing Subutio.

I thought it was your Christmas party.

It was.

Sidney. He suggested we leave early.

And you agreed.

You said you weren't... He's very persuasive. You divvy.

Malcolm, go and have a look at the oven.

Oh, right.

You wanted to go to a hotel.

Oh, you... Pamela.

Signed in Mr and Mrs Smith, would you believe?

Oh, very original, it said.

They asked him to pay in advance.

So once he had, I said I had to go and buy a toothbrush.

And? He's still waiting.

Brilliant!

It's still there.

What is? The oven.

Oh, Malcolm.

It's our Christmas day.

Oh, come on, join us. Oh, no, it's OK. I'll go out for a walk. No, you won't,

Mal. Go and get an... Oh, we ought to, yeah?

Someday he'll make someone a lovely wife.

Shut up, you old cracker joke.

Sorry. He knows how to frighten me.

Why Chinese?

Well, you know the New Year's Day is different to ours?

Well, this is our Chinese Christmas day.

Arsehole!

Have I fallen?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out of water?