Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call it right.

There's no one Mr.

Right. So what do I say in it?

But then I'm not so ideal.

Not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does it...

Most unlikely combination.

What is?

Cedric and flowers.

At least Cedric and freshly cut roses.

Cedric and dead dandelions, I can't believe.

I wonder where he gets them.

I don't know.

But he's got a mate who works down the crematorium.

Go on.

It's true. He used to work there himself until recent.

Then he got the sass for being so cheerful.

Aye, I do not.

I don't know when you're finished.

Come on, then, let's do the contradiction.

Which of the following saves the most in heating costs?

Double glazing, loft insulation, draft proofing or other?

Other.

Which other?

Switching everything off and going down the pub.

You've been looking at the answers. All right,

then, we'll go for the tiebreaker.

Complete the following.

People who have five cars on their motorbike are practically... Give it.

Ha, bloody ha.

Hi. Can I get you anything?

You can get her a funny act, because she's been a comedian.

Just a gin and lime, please. Just a double, because I'm going soon.

Right. Brenda?

A vodka and lime, please.

Right.

I'm amazed you two have laughed. It's very long.

Why? What do you mean?

Well, you and a bird watcher. It's a bit of a joke, really, isn't it?

Nothing wrong with birdwatching. Oh, come on.

Pamela, you know nothing.

Birdwatching's a very interesting hobby. It gets you out in the open air. Are

you taking the myth?

Pamela, it's about time you realised there's a lot more to life than three

-folding a submission with hissing Sid every second Wednesday.

Well, if it's open air pursuits you're talking about, me and Sidney often go

walks in woods and things.

Oh, Beth.

He collects leaves.

Oh, God, and you get at me because I'm goofy. There's a birdwatcher. You're

goofy, eh?

It's all right for me to say.

You're all... Corky, you've only ever been the one.

What? Bird watching? Well, that's a lot you know. We're going Sunday.

This Sunday?

Yeah, we planned it weeks ago. We're going looking for the lesser spotted gob

twit. The what?

The lesser spotted gob twit. You've just made that up. I never.

Here we are.

Malcolm. Yeah? What does the lesser spotted gob twit look like?

Well, I've never... Never seen one, have you, Malcolm? They're very rare, aren't

they? No, I've never... Never seen one, which is why we're going looking for one

on Sunday, isn't it? Is that my drink?

Yeah. See?

Yes, you prefer a drink, or yes, you're going Sunday, so... Now, let's talk

about something else.

Sunday? You know, me and you going birdwatching on Sunday. Don't tell me

forgotten. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yes, we're going to Flint, aren't we? Yes,

there's the mudflats there and the waders come in close.

Bit of woodland nearby.

Any luck, we might see one.

One what?

Godtwit. Oh, God!

Now, what are we talking about?

Are we doing the competition?

Malcolm, why do you have a sidecar? To stop his bike falling over.

Just leave it out, Pamela.

No, I'm serious.

Why do you?

Well, it's for the hide when I go birdwatching. The hide?

You mean once you've spotted it, you kill the poor beggar and hang his skin

the sidecar?

No, the hide is the sort of collapsible tent you sit in to birdwatch.

See, Pamela, you're sick and you're a liar.

Anyway, I must have seen another gob twit.

The great has spotted.

And it's all right for me to say it.

What's the offer?

Oh, it's to do with calling people names.

For instance, saying that you're a long streak of frog vomit is OK, provided

it's me who says it.

Oh, I see.

Now, about Sunday, what time do we meet?

Why, where are we going?

God, Mal, I don't know how to pick them.

Look, I'm going to have to go through with this.

On Sunday, me and you are going birdwatching. Oh, great.

So just get your wellies and your little canvas stool and bring that hide

thingy. There'll be somewhere for me to crash out while you're chasing after the

left spot of Godwit.

Limosa Laponica.

You what?

Limosa Laponica, the bar -tailed Godwit. That's what you're thinking of, isn't

it? No, Mark, but it'll do.

So I decided that this time I would just have to put my foot down.

I waited until we got to any other business. Then I said, through you.

Chairperson, I must make it clear that this year the committee must find

somebody else for the tombola.

Well, you could have cut the silence with a cake slice.

Malcolm, are you listening to me?

Yes. Well, then if you must flick her, please point it the other way.

You know, where was I?

Oh, yes, the stall.

And your oldie is getting cold. Yes, OK.

Anyway, they hummed and howled for a bit and then they finished up saying they'd

ask Ethel. Well, I know what she'll say.

The moment she's up to her eye shadow in the costumes for I, Lance, is putting

years on her.

I know, I've had some.

I did them for the Wallasey Chrysanthemums way back.

And you can't trust the fairies.

They all claim to be two sizes smaller than they really are.

Then you're left splicing in acres of taffeta right up to the dress rehearsal.

Which reminds me, I've got four seats for the Friday.

Four? Peggy and Bernard are coming over.

Bernard loved G &S.

He sang with the Bentley for ages.

His voice went funny after his prostate operation.

I told him he should have gone private.

Some of those national health surgeons would know a scalpel from a pair of

pinking shears.

Would you be wanting any more?

Ovaltine. Don't pick it.

I mean, would you be wanting another seat, perhaps? For a friend?

I, Lancy? No, I don't think so.

No, nor do I.

You don't have much in common, do you?

We get along OK.

What about last Sunday when you went out to Hilbury?

I was with Leonard and his crowd.

No Brenda?

No. No.

She doesn't care much for bird -watching.

No. She doesn't care much for adjusting the tap. It's not a twin -carb 650

either.

So I suppose we're completely incompatible.

Oh, by the way, I won't be in for dinner tomorrow.

I'm going bird -watching.

With Brenda?

At her suggestion.

Two more coffees.

Have you, um... Trigger's hot table.

No, have you got any... More biscuits? Yes, please.

I'll bring them over.

It's not so warm.

Well, as long as the rain keeps off.

We can hide in the yard.

How many rooms has it got?

Very funny.

Your biscuits.

Thing is, we won't be able to use it properly.

I see. So you want to use it improperly? No, no. What I mean is... You're a fast

worker, aren't you, Malcolm? The thing is, it should be up for a couple of days

beforehand so that the birds get used to it.

You're kidding.

It's important they don't know you're there.

The birds?

Right. So two people go in together, then one person comes out and walks

You're winding me up. Not at all.

You mean birds can't count?

in and one comes out and they think, oh, that tent must be empty. Let's go in

after rain.

They're very timid creatures.

Well, what if they don't see him come out?

You are.

Well, what if when the person comes out, the bird doesn't see him? Say this bird

nipped along to the nest next door to borrow a cup of wine.

You talk soft.

No, I'm serious.

But say it saw him come out but didn't see him go in. Then he'd think there was

a tunnel going into it.

Have you finished? Finished.

Not quite, no. You pay at desk.

Right. I'll take plates.

Only we sometimes get a rush on in here about this time.

This should be OK.

We'll put it here. See into the woods that way?

Down across the estuary this way.

Hang on.

Perhaps over here.

No,

I think probably better over here. Oh, God, what does it matter?

Right. After all, it's only a practice.

Practice? Look at your practice looking at birds. You'd either see them or you'd

don't.

I'd have to do it myself from a camping toilet.

There.

Oh, God!

I can't flake out in there!

Flake out?

Well, of course not.

You sit on the stool and look through here.

Or here.

And what's this for?

Camera.

Well, that's a relief.

What's next?

Well, we'll leave it here a bit, go back on the bike, have a bit of lunch, then

come back and I'll show you.

Oh, stop! Stop! Don't... Tell me all at once. Too much excitement makes me go

all sweaty.

Right,

I'm ready for instruction.

Come on, Doctor.

Let's go back to the TARDIS.

Hope those dastardly men don't get there first.

They'll know we're out, because I forgot to cancel the milk.

Oh, yeah. One of the cybermen, is it? No, it's a cyber -sheep.

You should be in there. That's your brother's tent. Tell him off.

Oh, I know what I'm coming here for.

This will confuse the bed.

I'll sit on the stool. You'll have to sit on me knee.

You'll be glad to know that, Pamela, then.

Careful. What are you doing?

Oh, sorry.

Where can I put this?

Look,

you'll have to put your knees together.

I think we're going to be too hot. We'll have to take our sweaters off.

Oh, you're so subtle, Malcolm.

Tell you what. Take these.

Describe any bird you see. I'll tell you what it is.

Yes, Mr Attenbugger.

with orange legs.

Has it got Bill that turns up at the end? Uh, yeah.

That'll be a red shank.

A big grey -green thing with a very long beak.

Black wings.

Sounds like a spoon, Bill.

Speckled grey with blue stripes, green legs and a red beak.

God knows.

Let's have a look. Where about was that one?

Now, where have I been making them all?

I'll smack you for that.

It's easy toot.

Hey, there's no room.

Hey, you're right. There is not.

Careful!

I hear voices.

Doesn't matter.

Now, keep still. Someone's coming.

Clay, have you seen the course on your fingers? Shh!

Move your leg.

Ow! Oh, God!

Turn this way, will you?

I can't. Ow!

What's up?

I can't move it. It's my back. It's locked or something. I'm stuck.

You can't be stuck.

Put your arm here.

Easy! Ow! Oh, God, the stool's tilting. Watch it!

Lucky you came by when you did.

A smart car.

Yes.

Leonard's an accountant, you know, with his father. Very nice family.

Mother's a lecturer at the poly.

Geography, I think. Or is it geology?

Well, something beginning with J.

Quite.

Oh, hush up, Malcolm.

I'll get the tea.

My bike. Oh, don't worry. It's in better condition than you.

Lena's just gone off to pick up some mate called James.

Apparently you're not the only Wally and Mel who can drive one of them things.

That'll be James gelding.

Well, at least he won't get a saddle sore.

The doctor should be here soon.

Do you think we should move him?

He's best on a hard surface.

Mind you, I have to eventually.

Mum does always vacuum.

How did it happen?

We were birdwatching.

We've not had this effect on him before.

The stool collapsed.

Our combined weight.

Two of you on one stool?

Well, it was sort of advanced bird watching.

Oh, Mum, don't try and talk.

Look, just put your hand here, and whenever you want something, just give

flash.

What about some people watching?

Oh, no. I think it's a silly game.

Anyway, I've got to go soon.

Wow, look what the tide's brought in.

Isn't that the fellow your sister used to go out with? You're not wrong there,

Sidney. Hey, I tell you what, I bet when he comes over he says, long time no

see.

OK.

50p says he won't. Right, you're on.

Hi. Hello, it's Malcolm, isn't it? Yeah. Long time no see.

Yeah.

Can I get you anything?

No, thanks. I'm afraid I've got to go in a minute.

Pamela? Gin and lime, please.

Right.

Oh, yes, over here.

How much it is?

50p. Take one.

It's no good trying to get round me after squeezing me out a 50p.

Oh, no, it's for the wife.

For the wife?

Well, it is her birthday.

Look, I must go. See you tomorrow.

Bye, Malcolm.

Bye.

You OK?

Cops, Matt.

How's Brenda?

OK.

She's across the water, seeing someone.

Oh? Didn't say who.

How's your back?

Oh, much better, thanks.

I was flat out for three weeks, all told. Well, I said when I rang.

Every time.

Brenda's out a lot, is she? A lot.

We don't see much of her, then.

Only in the bathroom.

Oh,

I get it.

Nice. Might be for you. Never did much for me.

She's across the water, you say?

Yeah.

A fella?

No, she's not. I told you, I've seen her in the bathroom.

I hope the same. I think it's a smarty answer.

Not her.

Not anymore.

She's gone all quiet and moody. My, I'm not complaining.

Believe me, life's a lot more peaceful these days.

She's going with someone, I suppose.

I don't know, and I don't ask.

Come on, I'll buy you one for a change. Just a pint, is it?

No.

Well, I'm sorry you've come all this way unnecessarily.

It's OK.

I may as well tell you that I'm here.

I've reached a decision.

Oh, yes?

Well, I did as you suggested.

I'm surprised.

Well, perhaps it suited my book, too.

So? Still the same.

Six weeks is hardly long enough.

It was for me.

Well, he's a grown man.

He must make his own decisions.

Yeah, and perhaps it's time he did.

I mean, she ought to change for her own good.

You can't go through life always taking the mickey out of people all the time.

Playing lies and telling tricks.

Did I tell you what she did in the hive? Yeah.

She described these birds to me. You told me. That she was just making them

I know. Look, you want to go easy, that's your fourth.

No problem. I came in on the train.

And I've got my return ticket.

Oh, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, Pamela, when I first met your sister, I thought... It's stale,

these crisps.

I'll have to give this to the ticket collector.

Tell him it's a ready -salted save -away.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah, your Brenda. Well, she's bloody rude, you know.

That time I gave her a lift home in the sidecar.

She said it was like a one -wheeled bidet.

She called me some awful names.

Pratt.

Dickhead.

And Pillock.

Apparently it's OK if she says it. Well, that's the rule.

And she said you were a wrestler.

I know.

Barbara's Barbara, the bootle bouncer.

Yeah, all right, all right.

And you're not a wrestler, are you? No, I'm not. I suppose you could be if you

wanted to be. Malcolm Buckley. I think you'd be very good. And I think I'd

better get you to the station.

We'll just have one more, eh? No, save your money for a ticket. You might feel

peckish on the way home.

I wonder what Brenda would say if she found us like this.

We'll soon find out. Oh, yeah.

This is what convalescent ornithologists... do with the time, is

Hi, Brenda.

I've eaten me ticket.

I think we'd better get him back to Arthur from Black Coffee before you pour

onto the train. I have to explain to Brenda.

You go on, Ed.

Where have you been?

Mel's.

I was out.

I know.

You were out a lot.

Even when I got through, Pamela said you were out.

I told her to.

Oh, I see.

But I'll be in next time.

Right.

Malk? Yeah?

What did you want?

What, when I rang?

Yeah. Well, I wondered if you wanted to... What?

If you wanted to come with me... Yeah?

And see Isle Anthony. Oh, God!

We had a spare ticket.

Malk? No, me Auntie Peggy's wheelchair got stuck in a grid and it wheel

and...

Mark, do you realise I've just spent six weeks wondering why I put up with an

idiot like you?

Thinking maybe your old girl's right and we haven't got much in common.

Maybe we ought to call it quits and both look round for something else.

And then I think, what does she know?

I'm in charge of me.

Why not give it another go?

Only for you to put your bloody noddy hat on and start me wondering again.

Don't wonder, Brenda. We'll be OK.

Will we?

Yeah.

I mean, it doesn't have to be Ireland.

I could go out looking for the lesser -spotted gob twit.

I think I've found it.

Brenda. What?

Come here.

Perhaps we ought to sell tickets.

Yeah, perhaps.

No, you are a messer.

You can't stop coming back with the smarty answers. You tell lies, you cause

endless trouble.

But... I still fancy you.

Do you?

Yeah.

Honest? Honest.

Are you Mark?

Yeah. Are you back again?

Alright.