Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

That bad, is it?

Chronic. Oh, she'll come round.

Not this time.

Why, has she, er, before?

Throw me out.

She's tried to. But this time it's a death -o. Gone by Friday or else.

How's it?

What about your mother's? Oh, I don't even want her to know.

Why not?

Is she a bloody crow, won't she?

My mother just never understood. me.

She says I'm a messer, that I tell lies, and that I'm always causing trouble.

And shut up.

I never spoke.

No, but you're thinking.

When I first moved out, she said that I'd be back in two months because our

Pamela wouldn't put up with me.

When was that?

Six weeks ago.

Shall we sit down?

Yeah, all right.

Why do you think it is, Mal?

What? People don't understand when you're just having a laugh, just

Do you want me to be honest?

No. I've no idea, then.

All right, but not too honest.

You are a messer.

I can't help it.

So you're a compulsive messer.

It's just I've got this imagination.

Well, you wouldn't understand, would you?

You've never suffered from an imagination.

It's a terrible thing.

Perhaps you need surgery.

Imagination bypass operation.

Well, it definitely needs summit.

Have you got no other friends you can move in with?

Yeah, loads.

But I wouldn't want to.

I'm not that much of a messie, you know.

But you do get labelled.

Just one little incident at school and I was Denny's the many's forever after.

Oh, what did you do?

Oh, just an innocent little bit of label swapping.

The history teacher had some dirty videos hidden and I just happened to

when I accidentally went rooting in his desk. looking for exam questions.

And you swapped the labels?

Yeah, with one of the geography teacher's videos.

It was called Backgrounds of the Common Market.

Seems sort of appropriate, really.

The next day, she's out in the corridor having a sly drag, not knowing she's

left us to watch Emmanuel and the Butter Mountain.

How did they know it was you?

I came to hop in, history.

after, whenever there was any trouble, I was always the first to be dragged in

for questioning.

What, even when it wasn't you?

Well, it usually was.

Brenda, why don't you make an effort?

Well, just try keeping your tongue under control.

Hey, that's what me last fella said.

I'm sorry.

Oh, OK, OK, I'll try. I'll really try.

No more smarty -do -mark.

What, no tricks? No messing? I'll behave.

Promise? Promise.

Now, let's change the subject.

Tell us about life at Waring.

How's things in gentlemen's trousers?

I've done them different.

If your fingers come back.

Do you want peas or anything? I did do some. No, thanks.

Just as well, really. They went a bit odd.

Maybe later we could have a game of marbles.

I, er, tidied up a bit.

So, I see.

Took the cairns down the lawn dress this morning.

And left them in the dry too long.

Well, tomorrow I'll fix the rail a bit lower.

Where did you get the skewers from?

Top cupboard, standing in the jam jar.

Well, at the moment, he's round at the vet with Beethoven.

No, no, no.

Just an injection.

Who's speaking, please?

Oh, yes.

Well, he should be in any moment. Can I give him a minute?

Yes, I'm his mother.

Oh, a lot better, thank you.

Malcolm told you about it, did he?

Yes, it was just a bug.

But we soldier on.

Oh, hold on a minute. I think this might be him now.

Malcolm, phone.

He's just coming.

It's a young lady.

Hello?

Brenda?

Why the funny voice?

Hold on a minute.

Beethoven's in the kitchen, still in his travel basket. How is he?

Fine.

Just that they had to shave all his fur off.

What?

How'd it go?

Did she relent?

Fish finger kebabs?

Turps? Oh, no.

So he's still out by Friday, then?

Thursday? That's a bit much, isn't it?

It's Malcolm who needs an injection.

He's the one who's sick.

Look, don't get upset. These things happen.

Look, I'll see you tomorrow night. We'll sort something out.

Yeah. Oh, Brenda.

I think you should tell your mother.

Yeah.

That was Brenda.

In trouble, is she? Certainly is.

Malcolm, is there something I should know?

Pardon? Well, if a girl's mother should be told, shouldn't the boy's?

Oh, I see.

Perhaps you're right.

I'd better start at the beginning.

I'd better sit down.

Well, you see, Mum, what Brenda's... What Brenda's going to have...

To find a new flat.

Yes, well, I thought it was probably something like that.

You did, did you, Mum? She sounds very nice.

You must bring her round sometime.

That's about my cold.

And very nicely spoken.

Brenda? She doesn't sound at all Liverpool.

Mind you, not as Derek Nimmo.

Where's her family from?

Southend. That'll be nice for the holidays.

South end of Liverpool.

Oh, heavens.

Still, you'd better bring her.

She doesn't want to come.

Why not?

Strikes me as you that doesn't want to ask her.

Well, I must say, bird -watching isn't my cup of Earl Grey.

as my late husband used to say.

It's a brand of tea.

No, well, you can't find me getting up at the crack of dawn to go halfway

the county looking for the lesser crested nut cruncher.

It's a nut hatch.

Oh, I beg his pardon.

Don't suppose you see many birds around your way?

Oh, quite a few, actually.

Brenda lives close to Sefton Park.

Oh, yes.

What are the rates like in that area?

We don't have any, but we think there may be mice in the cellar.

Would you like another cup?

Yes, please. This one is a bit small.

Better get her a mug.

Top shelf, but not the coronation one.

Is a George VI.

How is Beethoven?

He seems better today. Had his injections yesterday and it gave him a

incontinent. I'm glad he's better.

One wouldn't want one's house smelling of cat... Sugar?

Yes, I could.

Oh, have you seen this?

It flashes.

Our totem. But it seems we've lost the battle.

Would you like a biscuit?

Mother was chairperson of the Friends of Leto Lighthouse.

Vice?

Oh, I don't indulge.

Biscuit. No, I was the vice chairperson.

I believe they're going to turn it into a public house.

And serve light ale.

Oh.

Malcolm. It's only recently he's taken to making these silly remarks.

Very childish, I think.

Very.

Yes, well, I'll take this lot out and you finish your tea.

How am I doing?

Great.

I was surprised you wanted to come.

I thought it would be a good test of the new Brenda.

It's bloody hard going.

And you don't help bringing up that stupid lighthouse.

It is a bit of a conversation stopper.

Well, it depends where you put it.

Perhaps we hadn't better stay too long.

Are you frightened I'll crack?

No, of course not.

What about tomorrow's my day off?

What do you suggest?

Pictures? No.

What about something special?

Something that really appeals to you? Forget me.

Why aren't you coming?

Of course I'm coming.

But you ought to choose, and I've just got to behave.

Anything? Yeah.

Anywhere? Right.

And what's more, don't tell me. Surprise me tomorrow.

Hey, I know. We could go to the... Save it.

Let's go.

Oh, right. I'll just take these things out. I'll get out of here.

Hey, Brenda.

Yeah?

I like both of you.

Shut up.

Brenda!

Yeah. Oh, brilliant.

Recognize this.

It's the rotary engine invented by Dr. Felix Wankel.

The problem with a conventional engine is that the piston undergoes a violent

change of direction at the end of each stroke.

Well, really, or it'll go straight through the roof.

Quite, that's very infusionate.

Well, when you think of the price of roof tiles... Bring them to a

Sorry. Whereas here, if you look at the rotary, you'll see it produces a quite

unusual motion.

She's impossible to live with.

So her sister says.

It's the shape of the chamber that's so ingenious, don't you think?

possible to live with.

Aye. Beautiful, isn't it?

She's available for hire for a special occasion.

Not to you, mate.

Oh, hello.

Brenda. Sit in, please.

I'll see you later.

Hey, it's fantastic, isn't it?

You OK?

You look as though you've been... Fine. The bubble's just got up my nose.

Brenda? Yeah?

You got anywhere yet?

Could stay here.

It's very swish.

Nice view.

And there's a toilet in the glove compartment.

Pamela's still not speaking.

No more than she had to.

Oh, something will turn up.

Will it?

Brenda?

That's me.

Well, if...

If nothing, um, worth Pamela, would you like to, um, would you like me to,

um... I got you one of these.

And this.

In case you wanted it for a wedding.

Mr Baxter's gone to get something from the back. Something special he doesn't

keep on display.

He says I'll be knocked out.

So he should be.

What is this, Fred Flintstone's jockstrap?

What a load of junk.

You know, I reckon if you and Mr Baxter got a couple of scrappers in, you'd

probably give them about 50 quid for that lot.

Brenda.

Oh, let's get out of here.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

You were doing so well. I suppose I pushed you too far.

Oh, don't talk wet.

Look, it's me own fault.

I'm far too old to change.

Look, there's an obvious solution to my housing problem.

At least sitting here bored out me skulls brought that home to me.

Here we are.

So, what do you think this is?

Fred Flint. Brenda.

This is the scarf that Jeff Duke wore when he won the double in the Isle of

TT in 1951. Wow.

I thought it was a winter woolly for you, Uncle.

I can't stay long.

That's OK.

I have a wine tasting this evening.

A group of us who make our own.

We gather once a month and swap specimens.

Well, that's normal.

We normally hand our things to the doctor.

That's a very Brenda -ish remark.

You haven't relented, have you? No, she goes Thursday.

Oh, where?

Don't know, don't care.

Well, it had to happen.

She's quite impossible.

Oh, Pamela, if things are a bit tight because of reduced income, you will let

know, won't you? I might be able to... Oh, forget it. No, but... Oh, find

someone else to share.

Oh, not one of your girlfriends from the office, though. That would be a bit

difficult. Oh, just knock it off, will you? Let's talk about something else.

Actually, I'm quite excited about this evening.

I've got a particularly good parsnip to show off.

Well, it's a blend, really. I gave it just a hint of Loganberry.

That's unusual, you know, put a berry with a root.

Sure it is.

Sylvia reckons I've excelled myself.

And she should know.

I tell you what, next time I come round, I'll bring a bottle and see what you

think.

I've a rich turnip I put down last January.

Yourself? Or did you take it to the vet?

I've definitely heard something from that girl. The sooner she goes, the

Oh, it's none. I do with her.

Just all this poncy talk about homemade plums getting right up my nose.

Sidney, I think you'd better go.

Oh, no, I can stay another half hour. Oh, go. Go now.

And take Sylvie around to your frumpy, frudging friends and show them your

flaming partner.

So, I've decided I'm going.

What? I feel so much better now.

It's just making your mind up, isn't it?

Once you've decided it, It's like a weight's been lifted off you.

It's like when you've bevvied too long and you've got the whirlies.

Dag it home, feel and laugh.

Stick your head down a big white telephone, shout for Ralph and you're

again.

Like last year.

Oh, what a grandad.

Age isn't just numbers, you know.

It's what you've done and where you've been. And that's the answer.

What is?

London. I'm going to London.

Just because Pamela threw you out?

No. I'm ready for a change.

I love London. It ticks at my speed.

You've been before or lived there?

Of course. Loads of times. I've got mates there. I can always find a floor

someplace.

When were you last there, then?

years ago now.

But I'll find them.

How long are you thinking of going for then?

Don't know.

This time, forever maybe.

Before it's only been a couple of weeks at a time and then I've had to come back

for a rest.

But I'm older now.

I've got more stamina.

Of course you've got nothing to come back for, have you?

Exactly.

He's gone home.

Good. I won't be disturbing anything then.

You're early.

Do you want a coffee?

That's nice, but no thanks.

I would have stayed clear for you, but I've reached a decision.

What, that you don't want a coffee?

Very good.

I've got to get going.

Bren. Yeah?

Could we talk?

To each other, you mean? Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry for what's happened.

And you're dead, right?

Pointing me trying not to be because I just cock things up.

People get knocked and I get miserable.

Don't let me finish.

So I've decided I'm going to London.

London? Tonight.

It's past the midnight. I'll have the whole day to look for somewhere.

But you don't know anything. Look, I know you said I'll buy Thursday, but

you've made your mind up, there's no point hanging around, is there?

Well, no, I suppose not.

Thanks for putting up with us, Pam.

You're all right, really.

I've got your ears.

And I promise I'll never call you giant haystacks again.

That's the weather for the region tomorrow. Those clear blue skies today

mean a cool night, so if you're all alone, perhaps an extra blanket tonight.

Anyway, I shall leave you now.

Don't forget to switch off, will you? Good night, sleep well, and we hope to

you tomorrow. Bye -bye.

Good night.

Hello, wearings, gents, outfitters.

I'm sorry, I mean, I mean, Mel's, 18198.

Some other numbers, I can't... Brenda!

God, I wasn't even up.

What time of the morning is this to be... Don't be funny.

London's in the same time zone as us.

Thank God, what's this?

It's only quarter past one.

Where are you?

Crew?

You've changed your mind.

What, did you expect me to... Look, I know it's in Cheshire, but the other end

of... Look, are there no trains?

What do you mean, not in Crewe?

Look, I don't care if Pamela was showing signs of a change of heart. Look... All

right.

No, no.

No!

Goodbye.

the drumming