Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He's no -one's Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

Malcolm? Just a minute.

You'll be late.

Mother. Oh, don't be silly. There's nothing I haven't seen before.

Now, you can eat your brown plates whilst you get them dry. Mother.

And don't forget to dry yourself properly.

Under your arms and in between. All right, all right.

Well, hurry along now.

Beethoven's waiting to see you.

And you tidy up while I'm out.

Do you hear me?

Brenda. All right.

Fish fingers.

From yesterday.

Oh, you're disgusting.

And he was all right, was he?

Who? The biker, Mr Cool.

What was it you said?

A cross between Boris Becker, George Michael and Rambo.

Oh, yeah.

Pity he gave you the ease.

What? One afternoon with babbling Brenda was enough for him, I suppose.

Just watch it, cod's head.

Fact is, he pleaded with me to see him again, but I told him no dice.

Afraid me diary's completely filled with the foreseeable, as you say. Diary?

What diary?

Me social calendar.

Positively overflowing, it is.

Like you in a sea cup.

Lying down.

I thought it was funny you being back so soon.

He gave you the elbow, didn't he?

You could see him if I wanted.

That's a chance.

So what about you and Desperate Dan? How are you making out? It's purely

platonic. Mr Clough is an extremely hard -working deputy assistant under Manager

Brackett's claim whose wife doesn't understand him.

Well, if you don't get a move on, you'll be a deputy assistant short -arm

typist, bracket sack, and his name's not Dan.

No. But he must be desperate.

He's on the table.

Oh, you haven't touched it. I couldn't. You must have your roughage.

Otherwise, have you got... What's that?

I dropped the soap in it.

Malcolm. I didn't mean to. You left it on the bathroom floor.

I'll get you some more.

No, thanks. This is fine.

Well.

Well? Say good morning to Beethoven.

Morning, Beethoven.

Don't speak with your mouth full, Malcolm.

Say good morning to Malcolm.

No, Malcolm, look, look. There he is.

He's silly, isn't he?

Dropped the soap in the brown flakes.

You wouldn't do that, would you?

No. He's purring.

It's not unusual with cats, Mother.

Oh, has my magazine come?

Yes, but you shouldn't read at the table.

Oh, Mother, where is it, please? Leonard submitted an article and it should be

in this month. You finish your breakfast and I'll get it.

It's on local Wildfowl.

Sent a photo as well.

One I took.

Ah,

yes, there it is.

By Leonard Squire.

And a picture.

An early goose on the D.

Oh, it was a lesser white -fronted. It was pretty mucky to me.

Leonard rang yesterday.

What do you want?

Something about a meeting tonight at Thurston.

I probably want to lift.

His car's in, Doc.

I'll give him a ring lunchtime.

Is that the time? I'll be late.

Malcolm, have you got a hanky? Yes.

Malcolm? Yes?

Say goodbye to Beethoven.

Goodbye, Beethoven.

And you can take that. locked down to the laundry.

Brenda? Do you hear me?

All right, all right.

What's up?

No knickers.

Try your handbag.

I'll slap you.

I hope you're going to tidy that up before you leave.

What, Boris the Mayor?

Want first lunch?

It's not 12 yet.

How did you make out on Sunday?

What? You were going to take her on safari at Deepest Wirral.

Well, was she game?

It wasn't like that.

No. Didn't really think it would be.

Well, it was all a bit of a misunderstanding.

See, she didn't really think I did what I said I did.

Well, when I came to do it, she wasn't really interested.

So I did it on my own.

Malcolm, have you ever thought of doing something else?

Oh, here we go. Tell her you've got a one -track mind.

Look, I'm simply saying that when a bird... Sorry, a girl asks a bloke what

does on his day off, it doesn't necessarily mean that she really wants

Why not?

Oh, God.

But the thing is, Malcolm, how can I put it?

Well, perhaps how can you put it?

No, how can I put it?

See... Here's you pushing 30 now.

And if you can remember that far back, at school they told you about the birds

and the bees.

Remember?

Well, your problem seems to be that you've concentrated entirely on the

and forgotten about the other.

The other?

Precisely. I shall have to take you in hand.

Hey, keep your eyes open for old eyebrows. Nearly finished, Mr Ambrose.

Just taking this to the dock room, Mr Ambrose.

Well, is that so?

It looks as though you're teaching it to Foxtrot.

It's all right, he's here.

I was checking my bike.

Oh.

Actually, there's a young lad keeping an eye on it for me.

And you're keeping an eye on him?

Got your note?

I guess.

How? You're here.

Oh, yeah.

Well?

Yes, thank you. You?

Malcolm, this is the pub.

They sell drinks.

Oh, what are you having?

What have you got?

Oh, just shandy and... Driving. Yeah.

I'll have a vodka and lime, please, Harold.

Oh, that one's empty, Harold. Try the next.

Sorry, love.

85, please.

I only just missed you. I'd gone to lunch. I know.

Mr Ambrose told you, did he? The Scots fella?

Yeah, he's the manager.

No. Oh, how did you know I'd gone... Oh, you go.

From the other side of the road.

You saw me, then. Who's that other fella?

Pardon? The poser who was with you in the window.

Oh, Terry.

He's from Hemel Hempstead.

Oh, well, that explains it.

No, actually, he's a very good dresser.

Oh, yeah?

I had an uncle from Hyden who thought he was a sideboard.

Window dresser.

Did you speak to him?

No point.

Me auntie kept a table mat in his mouth.

Terry! Here's where the late districtie were.

Brenda, why, if you saw... What's he doing up here, then?

Terry? Oh, chasing promotion.

Reckons he's manager material number two.

So that's what he made managers out of?

Brenda, why, if you saw me go for me lunch, did you leave the note?

You what?

Why didn't you come across?

And I thought you were shy.

You know what I mean.

I couldn't.

You couldn't?

Well, I wasn't speaking to you, was I?

You weren't speaking?

Oh, a girl would understand.

It was a terrible thing to do to someone, expecting them to ride in that

sidecar. You should see my backside.

Looks like a month -old Eccles case.

More like two -month -old Eccles case.

Now, hold on. It was your idea.

Well, you deceived me.

Dressing up like a biker when you're really just a prat. Now, look.

Shut it down.

Anyway, I've decided to give you another chance.

You what?

Another chance? You're wearing that helmet too tight. It's making your ears

up.

Now, look, I don't have to take this.

I'm sorry, you're not a prat, really.

Well, perhaps the same. That's it, I'm going. Hold on, hold on. I am sorry,

really. Take no notice of me. I'm just outspoken.

You're bloody rude.

Hey, now, mind your language. You're not in Mel's now.

You could have thrown out a beer.

Donald might be blind, but he's not deaf.

So is this where you do your people -watching, then?

Do you want to turn?

You see that heap of lard on the bar stool?

That's septic, Frederick.

Tell me about it.

In a brown suit?

Do you know what you're like?

In? Oh, yeah.

I don't know, really.

Well, of course you don't know, you guess.

Office worker.

Oh, God, where's your imagination?

Look, he's a travelling salesman.

Flogs cat litter, budgie bells and tortoise varnish.

Does he?

Actually, we need some cat litter. Oh, God, look, he hasn't got it with him.

That's his belly hanging out.

Malcolm, I don't know he sells cat litter. I'm surmising.

Oh, I see.

No, it's just we've got this new kit in Beethoven. Malcolm, are you playing this

game? Oh, yeah.

Now, stop and think. How old?

Oh, it's just eight weeks. He's only that big.

This one is just coming.

What, with the funny hair?

You could say that.

Hey, she's big, isn't she?

Disgustingly.

Wasn't she in here last week?

Might have been.

There is something vaguely familiar about her.

Perhaps it's her underwear.

What do you mean? No, go on.

Um, let's see.

About 26, perhaps a bit more. Perhaps a lot more.

This one's mine.

She's a lady wrestler, yeah.

Wrestles in mud.

Her name's Barbara.

And she fights under the name Barbara's Barbara.

Or even Barbara's Bouncy Barbara.

That's good.

Now, where's she from?

Er, Bootle.

Hey, she looked this way. Oh, someone she recognised over there.

Go on, what about her family?

The father plays left, prop forward for Whitney.

And her mother plays right. Yeah.

Picture that in the scroll.

Hey, this is good fun, isn't it?

Here she comes, Barbara's Barbara, the Bootle Bouncer.

So what's going on here, then?

Oh, nothing.

Like you said, honest.

My ears were burning.

Well, next time you wrestle, you'd better borrow Mam's scrum cap.

What do you want about Fender?

You two know each other. Sorry, you haven't been introduced, have you?

Malcolm, this is Barbara.

Pamela, this is Rambo. I just got another round in.

He's gone to check his bags, OK?

Rambo. Little lying beggar you are. Sorry, sis, I couldn't resist it.

And what have you been telling him about me?

Nothing. He made it all up himself.

All right, so what's he been saying?

Oh, I can't tell you that.

He'd get him in a box and crab him. What?

He'd put a full mouthful on him.

Dislocate his clavicles.

All right?

Yeah.

The lad's still... He's still there.

How much did he charge you?

50p. You haven't paid him, have you?

Yes. I'm surprised he's still there.

Next time, tell him you'll see him on your way out.

I did. He said 50p was the deposit.

I get it. Otherwise, you'll deposit something in your sidecar.

Sidecar?

Your bike's got a sidecar.

It's vintage, isn't it, Malcolm?

Do you know, Pamela, it's older than you.

What? Or your last birthday will be.

Will be what?

Will be me last.

She's threatening me, Malcolm.

If she gets violent, you will protect me, won't you?

Actually, I'd better be making a move. Don't be rushing off.

Someone might think you don't like their company. Isn't that so barbarous? Are

you talking to me? I'm sorry, Pamela. What's been being said?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I mean, I think your hair's great.

And these days, you see some really smart yard brushes.

Did you say that?

I never mentioned a yard brush. I never said you did.

Listen, Malcolm.

I only popped in here to tell you I'd be late in tonight.

Thanks, kid. I won't wait up then.

Where's Uncle Cluffy taking you tonight that his wife won't visit? We're going

for an Indian.

OK, General Custard. Oh, shut up.

And you.

The draw.

I think she was annoyed.

Only with you.

But don't worry, she doesn't hold a grudge. Just try and avoid meeting her

she's on her way back from the stadium.

She doesn't really wrestle, does she?

Only with Mr Clough.

And she always loses.

Brenda?

Yeah? Your note.

Yeah? Well, you said six o 'clock, the grapes.

I know, Mark. Am I rooted?

Yeah. Yes, but why?

Well, if I hadn't, you'd have wondered why eyebrows just gave you the blank

piece of paper.

Can't you just for once give a sensible answer to a sensible question? I will,

as soon as I hear one.

Look, I told you. I'm going to give you another chance.

Will you tell me, why did you come?

I was curious.

You're certainly that.

Oh, there you go again.

You don't have to stay.

I know I'm going as soon as I finish this.

Oh?

Do you not want to go to the gym?

No. It's only there.

I know.

Of course.

Yes, well.

Right.

Just one thing.

What did you mean by another chance?

What do you think?

Did you mean a day out? If you like.

No, I mean, is that what you had in mind?

Well, if you'd insist.

As long as it's not bird -watching.

I mean, I'd rather stay at home and watch underwater dark from Barnsley.

I wasn't offering.

No?

Right, then. I'd best be off home myself.

I'll see you. Oh, no, I won't, will I?

I have a day off Thursday.

Oh, yeah?

Are you... More than likely.

Perhaps I'll run to Buxton or somewhere.

Buxton or somewhere?

Well, given the choice, I think I prefer somewhere.

It's a lovely run this time of year.

All right.

Both of them wear clothes. It'll have to be booked then.

Right. Another drink?

My round. I know.

Oh, hell.

I've warned you about your language.

I'll have to ring home.

Late for tea.

Oh, no. It's all right. It's Monday, isn't it? All day.

Casserole. Same to you.

It'll keep.

Still, I'd better ring anyway, just to let her know I'll be late.

She worries, does she?

You know what mothers are like.

They're the ones with the two bumps on the front.

What? Never mind.

Hey, Malcolm, tell me.

Do you always have casserole on a Monday?

Always.

Tuesday?

Pork chops.

Nice.

Unless... What?

Unless Christmas Day falls on a Tuesday.

Right.

Turkey? Yeah.

Malcolm, are you hungry?

Oh, no, I can wait till I get in. I am.

Oh. Oh, do you want a packet of crisps? No.

Some to eat.

Oh.

Do you like Indian food?

Yeah, great.

Well, we could... Come on, let's go. There's a tandoori not far from here.

Hold on.

Well, your sister might be there.

Oh, well, if she is, we'll just turn round and walk out. Or in your case,

Yeah, but say she comes in after we've sat down. Oh, you big fairy. Look, it's

only a joke.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, we'll go Chinese.

I'd sooner not.

You don't like Chinese?

I love it, yeah. It's Indian. I don't like. I can't stand our things.

just going for an Indian?

Well, that way, you can eat, I won't be tempted, and I'll still have room for me

casserole.

Oh, Malcolm, your mother's right.

You shouldn't be let out on your own.

I'll just nibble a poppadom, then.

No, champ.

You can't ride on the back without a helmet.

I will.

You go on now, mister.

That'll be two quid.

I don't think that's a bad... Hey, you.

Me? Yeah, you.

Have you been demanding money for looking after vehicles?

What? You heard.

Well, only this one.

A fellow with a flat tire told me to get lost.

Well, if you've been paid to look after something, you'd better do it properly.

You've already had 50p. You'll get another quid later. Now, come on.

Tires look all right to me.

He means later.

Not this time, Al Capone. Move.

All right. Where are we going?

Well, I'm going eating, and you're going bike -sitting.

It's like babysitting.

So what's he like, this fella, eyebrows?

Ambrose? Oh, he's OK.

Bit choppy -nosed.

Actually, he was very pleasant with me.

Hey, you didn't go doing any accents or anything, did you?

No, of course not. Well, apart from me Crosby hairdresser's voice.

Would mod him like a full perm and blue rinse now, or should he come round and

give it to her in the kitchen?

You said that?

No, of course not. I just gave him the note and a big smile.

Something wrong with the food?

Oh, funny.

So we're only just you and your mum?

I'm Beethoven.

I'm Beethoven.

No, I was Placido, what you walked out a couple of months ago.

Awfully temperamental, he's Italian.

He was a randy Persian, spent every night out in the town.

Imagine!

Melody's OK.

There's Oil Lake close by.

God, that's like staying at the crematorium next to the graveyard.

Well, it might not be your scene, but it suits me.

Morgsville.

Still, I suppose if you live there, birdwatching's a pretty exciting thing

do. No, you'd be surprised.

It can be quite enthralling.

Aye, like watching ski jumping.

Trying to stay awake in case you miss one of those Norwegians and a baby grow

fall on his bum.

Haven't you got any other hobbies, like?

Well... There's the bike.

I do all my own maintenance.

And when they're as old as that lady, they take quite a lot of looking after.

They've got through old ladies to look after.

Just like Mr Clough.

I'll tell Pamela what you said.

You can do. She should come in. What?

Just joking.

No, she'll be flat on the canvas by now, ready for her first submission.

How long have you been a horny whatsy?

A what?

A horny thingy.

Oh, ornithologist.

About 15 years, I suppose.

See, the trouble is... God!

God! You must try and be brave.

What did you do that for?

I think you need to spice it up a bit.

The trouble is... What? Oh, yeah, well, the trouble is... I'm not very good at

it.

At what, Malcolm?

Birdwatching. Oh, that.

Now, my pal Leonard, if there's a razor bill between here and Chester, he'll

spot it.

Then he rings to tell me, but the next day I'm either too late or the weather

turns lousy. Why bother?

I'm still interested.

Not very good.

Last year I dropped my binoculars in the bog.

God, what were you looking at?

Words. I was on Burton Marsh.

Maybe your mate's just posing. Maybe he hasn't seen one, really.

Mind you, I wouldn't want to argue with someone called Razor Bill.

Bill's the bird.

My pals call Leonard.

No, he's good. Knows an awful lot about wildlife.

He's secretary of the Thirst of the North Neurological Society.

God, he must be good just to say that.

Oh, Hal Leonard.

Does he live in your watch?

I've forgotten I'm supposed to pick him up at half eight.

There's a meeting.

At the, er... Thirst of the North Neurological Society.

Does that mean you won't want to come back to our place for a coffee?

Sorry. You've no need to be frightened. Our Pamela won't be there. Oh, it's not

that. Not even a quickie. Coffee, I mean. Not really.

It's instant.

Thanks all the same.

Oh, can I... No, don't bother. You go.

Oh, no. Just leave us 20p for your poppadom. Please, I insist.

You mentioned a day out.

Did I?

Thursday. So?

Are we still on?

Oh, Malcolm, go home to your catarole.

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he else? So what do I...