Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

There's no one Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so right.

Excuse me, madam.

Would you care to take part in a survey?

Yeah, why not?

It's on behalf of the Department of Health.

Have you had any of these infectious diseases?

Well, let's see.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, and that one.

Yes.

Yes. Oh, I've still got that one.

And that one.

In fact, you could put me down for a full house.

Right.

Well, that's got to shut a bit.

What do you reckon he was?

A failed acrobat.

I had him down as a history teacher.

No, he's too intelligent looking for that.

Library book overdue?

Only three weeks.

It doesn't matter.

Add it out on your ticket.

And you pay!

Anyway, what are you doing out of bed so early?

I just came to check you were sticking to your diet.

Well, I am.

In fact, I'm three weeks ahead.

No, I was just on my way to our man's.

I thought you might find your ear.

You left this on the kitchen table.

One litre of low -cal, unsweetened, decaffeinated soy soup with croutons.

No, that'll save you from your break.

So how'd you get on last night with that bloke from Witness?

Big, airy lump he was. Seen him again?

No. Either way, he's got a summer job in Chester Zoo.

Standing in for the orangutans.

How are you?

He give you the elbow, did he?

We was incompatible.

I don't believe in the Yeti, and he was one.

They never stick round you for more than ten minutes, do they, Brenda? Oh, we

wouldn't have done that.

They all do, but you don't go rubbing the nose, does he?

We're not all lucky enough to have a deep, meaningful relationship with a

assistant under manager Brackett's claims.

Where is he, anyway?

Doesn't he usually have a Marmite sandwich with you here amongst the

Sometimes.

Look, I've got a book to catch.

I'll see you in the grapes at six.

I'll buy you a saucer of milk.

Hey, Pam, isn't this your Mr Clough coming now?

Half a better please, Harold.

Forty -six, please.

that slug, a Harold romp -pump.

Sorry.

Put the change on the tower.

So, did you get to our mum's? Yeah.

Oh, Sandra was there with her new fella. A biker, all black leather and studs

everywhere. Everywhere?

So Sandra says.

He asked the odd case, but somehow it didn't come. Why come off? Why not?

He's about three foot six.

Go on.

He looks like a handbag with feet.

Is she coming here tonight?

No, they're off to North Wales for the weekend.

Some sort of Hell's Angels rally in Will on Sunday.

I think he's the mascot.

Oh, God, look what's just crawled in.

Septic Cedric.

You know, we never decided how old.

Or anything about his family.

I don't think he's got one.

Just crawled out from under one of those green slimy rocks. when the tide goes

out. Be serious. How old?

Fifty -three.

Father?

Not known.

Cedric was a result of an early test tube experiment.

Before they realised, they ought to wash the test tubes out first.

You'll go.

Hold on. Here's a newie.

Hey, it's not our Sandra's new fella, is it?

Not unless she's had him stretched.

Well, go on. A biker?

No.

About...

toes on each foot, and he's got hair up his... All right, all right. Not the

rules. I'm thinking... You've lost your nerve.

All right, his name's Arnold, and he comes from across the water.

No need to bring your own, mate. They've got big ones in there.

Oh, right.

I'm not too sure about the last bit.

You don't go along with this old girl having a crocodile farm in Eldmere Port?

No. Not Eldmere Port.

Birkenhead, maybe.

I'll give you that.

I thought he'd never ask.

Sorry, what was it? Let me get you another one.

Shouldn't you be out on the street vandalising someone?

You'll go blind.

Right then, I'll see you.

Aye. Oh, give me regards to Kenny.

What? Oh, aye.

Right, bye.

Bye.

Never. From the other side?

Oh, he's a ghost.

The world.

Did you see in last night's echo?

Doctors in America reckon that playing them things makes fellas impotent.

Oh, well, it'll stop them breeding.

What do you mean?

Breeding, not breeding.

Well, go on.

Oh, yeah.

Well, the trouble is, he didn't say much.

You see, I sort of got talking, and you know what with him. Yeah, I do.

I know because he was doping off.

Nothing.

But I might on Sunday.

What? Are you serious?

Thank you.

Come on, jump in.

You okay?

That was terrible.

It's like riding in a flaming liquidiser.

A couple more miles of that and you'd have had a sidecar. Do you want a

I want a new bum.

I could have died in there and you'd never have known.

It smells as if something already has.

Just a minute. What do you keep in there normal like?

Dead gerbil.

Hold on a minute.

What? Where are you from?

I just got off the bloody sidecar.

I mean, where'd you come from? The other night you were Scottish.

Oh, yeah.

Just come down from Glasgow to help my wee sister who's having triplets.

No. No?

No, no, your cousin. You were helping him with the training.

Aerobic. Oh, yeah, I remember now.

It was good, though, wasn't it?

You're not related to Kenny Dalglish, then?

Well, me auntie knows his milkman.

No sugar.

Two coffees, please. One without.

It's on the table.

I'll bring them over.

Jeez, that was terrible.

Don't think she'll be banned.

Just get me circulation going again.

Oh, we are. Do this one for us, will you?

Look, Ed, it's not a flippin' piano.

Do you want a biscuit?

Yeah, all right.

Biscuit. Two, please.

I'll bring them over.

Should be there soon.

Well, don't tell us where, Arnold. I love surprises.

Arnold?

I'm sorry, it's Malcolm, isn't it?

It's just that you look like an Arnold.

What's an Arnold look like?

Well, you, you daft beggar.

Where are you from?

Mel's. Oh, my.

I was brought up in Chorley.

You mean somebody puked in there, you was?

Pardon? Never mind.

Yeah, I thought you must be far enough, and you're not being able to speak

properly.

Do you think they might be going where we're going?

I wouldn't think so, no.

Well, why not?

Well, they don't look the type.

Well, what are you?

Still waters, eh, Arnold?

Malcolm.

Pardon? You know, where things are likely to happen.

Oh, we've got a monthly magazine. If it's local, I get to know through the

You're very well organised.

My pal Leonard's chairman this year.

Of the chapter.

Chapter? Hey, Mark, I know there's a couple of canvas bags by my feet in the

sidecar. Is that, like, equipment for when we get there?

One is, yeah. The other's just spares for the bike.

Spare chain, yeah.

Well, you're a deep one.

Well, I like to be prepared.

Right, shall we get going again, then?

Yeah, all right.

But I'm not getting back in that girlfish bowl.

I'll get on the back and hang on to you.

Oh, it's not allowed. Not without a helmet.

This is it.

We're here.

Here?

Where the bloody hell are we?

We're at Marsh.

Well, at least the edge of it.

From up there, you can see right down to the D.

Marsh?

Well, come on, a laugh's a laugh and all that.

What do you mean?

Oh, God.

It is a joke, isn't it?

I mean, we are going to... It's not a joke, is it?

You brought me all the way here to look at flaming sparrows.

I told you the other night, you asked me what I was doing this weekend and I

said... I thought you were taking the mick.

Look, it's my hobby, I enjoy it. I didn't ask you to come. Well, you asked

No, but... Ken Dodd, I didn't think you meant it.

Look, I don't know where you thought we were going, but I've come here to bird

watch. Now, if you're not interested, I'll run you into Neston. You get the

to Woodside and then the ferry.

No, it doesn't matter.

I'm fagged out anyhow.

Will you go and watch your bed?

I'll come and have a visit.

I should have known.

Fancy me of all people thinking an Arnold could be a biker.

I promise you won't tell our Pamela.

I mean, if she ever finds out, she'll laugh till her shoes are full.

I didn't know your Pamela ever fell over.

It's not falling. You'd break your neck.

She's 13 stone, and 12 of them's are backside.

You never seen her anyhow?

She was sitting in the corner by the Space Invaders.

Well, I honestly didn't notice her.

Or her friends.

What? Space Invaders.

Oh, was that a joke?

No, it was great.

Sitting by the Space Invaders. I didn't tell her that.

I didn't think you knew about jokes.

The service in that pub was a bit quicker. I'd been away.

I wouldn't have knocked your drink over and you wouldn't be here now.

You didn't? I didn't what?

You didn't knock my drink over.

What do you mean?

Well, I came up behind you and I pushed it against your elbow.

You did what?

I pushed my drink against your elbow.

And what's more, it was only a bit of lemon. What a build, not vodka and lime.

You're taking me for a ride.

Well, you got your own back today.

What's the point?

Why all these lies?

I told you.

I thought you were a biker.

There's a big bus stop in Rill this weekend and I thought you were going

When you said bird watching, well, I just thought you were taking the... Yes,

you said.

We've been watching you.

It's our game.

We watch people in the pub and then we tell each other about them.

Like how old they are, where they come from, what foot they kick with, what the

job is, or what it used to be more like.

What foot?

What religion?

Don't you speak English?

What about you? What do you do?

I'm on the day shift at the security.

I don't do nothing.

I used to have a yuppie job.

But it was boring.

Just moving boxes.

I gave a deep after two weeks.

And I just spend my time watching people.

Even that gets boring, especially when you've seen them all before.

But you were something new.

Well, if you don't mind, Brenda, there's something new I'm hoping to see today.

A pal of mine claims he saw a hen harrier here after high tide yesterday.

Oh, how incredibly exciting. I bet you'd awake all night.

Brenda,

please, Hush. There's something moving down there in the rushes.

It's probably Moses.

I think it's a sparrow walk down there near the cops.

It'll do it for loitering. Brenda, please be quiet.

I'm having a ziz.

Brenda!

I'm asleep.

There's a book.

A book?

Whereabouts? I thought you were looking at birds.

In the bag. Would you pass it, please?

Just wouldn't say, Marky.

When we see something, don't we have to tick it off in your little book or

something? No, it's not like train spotting, you know. They haven't all got

numbers on the sides.

Oh, here's the 253 high -speed snow who's direct from Reykjavik.

All right, all right, don't whine yourself.

Oh, I've had enough.

It's boring.

I'm cold.

It's starting to rain.

I'm going back to that prehistoric sewing machine of yours.

Oh, it's like I'm blue.

Well, you wouldn't be interested anyway.

I might be.

Just something I made.

Let's see.

You have a design.

Good, eh?

Great.

What the bloody hell is it?

These.

It'd be quite tiring holding them up all the time.

Oh, you poor sod.

What about your book? You've still got to hold that.

Oh, my God.

Of course, I wouldn't normally be bending like this.

You're very wise.

But all these ponies are just about.

I have a little canvas stool.

Have you mentioned it to your doctor?

It was pretty wild, was it? Brilliant.

Not the sort of rumble I fancy myself.

No, well, you're getting old, aren't you?

So when are you seeing him again?

I'm not.

Oh, aye, another elbow, eh?

No way.

He's just not my sort.

Oh, I thought you liked him a bit rough.

More puff than rough.

Pardon? Norton, look, we had a good day and all that. I just wouldn't want to

bother again. Let's talk about something else, eh? You fancy him, don't you?

Get what?

tea about.

There's not the remotest chance of me seeing that fella ever, not ever again,

right? Okay, okay.

Oh, look, there he is. What? Just kidding.

Oh, very funny.

Give it a rest, will you?

Look, there's a newie over there. Why don't you have a go?

Both are. I'm on my way.

Bit of overtime for Mr. Clough, is it? We don't make business with pleasure.

I wish I could do shorthand.

Won't you be taking down tonight?

Watch it.

Right. Well, don't wait up.

Brenda.

Where did you come from?

Er, just got out of the roadside car.

What do you want?

Oh, erm... You left this.

No, it's all... Very pretty.

Why do you think so?

It's your birthday, I'll buy it a pair.

No, thanks.

Oh, 3rd September.

Might have guessed a ruddy Virgo.

Can I sit down?

I don't know if you tried.

It's easy, really, isn't it?

I thought you'd gone home to dry off.

Oh, no, well, after I dropped you off, I remembered my mother in Egbert.

How many mothers did he got?

She was visiting my auntie. I just called to see if she'd like a lift home.

In your sidecar?

Yeah. But she didn't.

No. Well, as mothers go, she sounds very intelligent to me.

Oh, she's been in it before. It's just that in this weather, it's not very...

You've no need to tell me about it, Malcolm.

Frankly, if I never see you or your ruddy sidecar again, it'll be too soon.

Me and going was bad enough and being bounced around to me filling dropped

On the way back, my God.

OK, so it was lashing down. What do you think it was like for me?

Well, if that's the way you feel, I'm going.

Bye.

And I'm sorry I brought your earring back.

Don't mind.

Right.