Original subtitles

We are gathered here today to immortalize in song the life and

a great legend.

So sit back, relax.

and enjoy your low -calorie popcorn and assorted confections while we tell you

the strange and bewildering tale of a hero who has yet to enter his own story.

Okay, everybody.

Let's take it from the top.

The stage is set. The night moist with apprehension.

Alone in her chamber, the princess prepares to take her own life.

It is far better to nourish worms than to live without love.

She reaches for the poisoned chalice.

Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio plots his attention to the throne.

While her aging father lies gravely ill.

goes there.

Tis I, the much -anticipated hero returning to rescue his emotionally

maiden. Unhand her, you jailers of virtue, or taste the bitter sting of my

vengeance.

The sting of my... Dr.

Marks.

Dr. Marks, I'm not getting anything from you.

People, we've talked about this. Acting is reacting.

Victor, you were wooden. There, I said it. Mr. Timms?

You were good.

Perhaps a little too good.

What's that, Victor?

My character's undefined? That's absurd.

I know who I am. I'm the guy, the protagonist, the hero. Every story needs

hero. I mean, who else is better qualified to bask in the adulation of

numerous companions?

The stage is waiting.

The audience thirsts for adventure.

Who am I?

I could be anyone.

I could be the sea captain returning from a mighty voyage to reclaim his

mechanical arm.

Or I could be the rogue anthropologist battling pythons down in the Congo.

And if you desire romance,

I will become the greatest lover the world has ever known!

Hola.

I couldn't help but notice you noticing me noticing you.

You know, the women find me uncomfortably good -looking. But you

at ease.

Oh, stop it. No, really. What are you doing?

Are those real?

Conflict? Victor, you were right. I have been undefined.

People, I've had an epiphany. The hero cannot exist in a vacuum. What our story

needs is an ironic, unexpected event that will propel the hero into conflict.

That's right. You.

Don't be shy.

Come on.

It's okay.

A little closer.

I won't bite you.

I need a little help here.

Are you okay?

I must get to the other side.

The other side? You mean just now that was you crossing the road? That's why

the...

Why'd you do that?

This is my quest.

He waits for me.

Who?

The spirit of the West, amigo.

The one. They say he rides an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to

protect him. What are you talking about?

Enlightenment. We are nothing without it.

Nothing? Your delusional quest just ruined my life. I had an incredibly

social network going. Highly sophisticated friends. I was very

I don't see no friends.

Well, uh... You are a very lonely lizard.

Look, I need water, hydration. My teeth are chapped. I need lotion. I'm down to

one layer of skin already. Pretty soon I'm going to start seeing my insides.

unlike what you've got going there.

Listen, I can't survive in the desert, okay? I don't belong here.

That may be true.

But here you are.

Now, help me up.

And I will help you find what you seek.

You will? And perhaps more.

Quickly now. I must get back to my quest.

You mean you've done this before? Oh, yes. Many times.

Come, come.

That's it. Pull my finger.

The spirit is waiting for me.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

That's not going to work.

I must get to the other side.

Why don't you just wait until there are no cars coming?

It's not so easy as it looks. What?

It's a metaphor.

Knowledge is fraught with consequence.

Yeah, I'm just looking for the path to water.

If you want to find water, you must first find dirt.

Dirt.

Destiny, she is kind to you.

Tomorrow is Wednesday.

The water comes.

At noon, the townspeople gather for a mysterious ritual. Whoa, what? A town?

mean like with real people and everything? Where?

A day's journey.

Follow your shadow.

You want me to just walk out into the desert?

That's the way.

Okay. So you're saying there's a town, a real town, not a metaphor town. Go on.

It's okay.

Okay.

Well, then I'm going.

I'm leaving the road now.

I'm walking into the desert alone.

We all have our journeys to make.

I will see you on the other side.

All the closest of friends.

We sing of his courage in magnificent song.

But pay close attention,

he won't be here long.

Here in the Mojave Desert, animals have had millions of years to adapt to the

harsh environment.

But the lizard?

He's going to die.

Four score, seven years ago.

Our father... Don't move.

What?

Don't move!

Not moving!

Not moving.

Try to blend in.

What?

Blend in.

What are you saying?

Too late.

No, no, it's not too late. I'm blending.

I'm a blender.

Hey, calm down.

What are you doing?

Stop moving.

Try not to look conspicuous.

What are you doing? I'm blending.

Don't build somewhere else. Don't detract. No room at the inn. It's an

a science.

Find your own hiding place.

Oh, here she comes.

You better run, Mojito. What?

I thought you said don't move. That was before. Now, you run.

Adios, amigo.

You're practically related.

Come on, move over. I let you get my...

Get your slimy -wibbed phalanges off my boots.

Oh, uh, sorry. I got a bead on you, stranger.

See, get up real slow.

Less than you want to spend a bit of part of the afternoon putting your face

back together.

No, no, no, ma 'am, I don't. Who are you?

Who am I? I'm asking the questions here. Our town is drying up.

We're in the middle of a drought. Now someone has doubled water in the desert.

Now, it's a puzzle of undeterminable size and dimension, but I intend to find

out what role you're playing in all this.

A role?

What are you involved in?

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked. I've got two one acts, a mystery, and a musical

I've been gestating. I got the words. I'm just kind of working on the melody

right now. It's like a... I think it's going to be a western. A monkey got a

cracker. His mother was a slumber. She'll be coming round the mountain in

rain.

You ain't from around here, are you?

I'm still working on it.

So, what's your name?

Bean. That's a funny kind of name.

What can I say?

My daddy plumb loved baked beans.

Well, you're lucky he didn't plumb love asparagus.

What are you saying?

I mean, I enjoy a hearty pudinesca myself, but I'm not sure that a child

appreciate the moniker.

My daddy was a great man. Even if he did exhibit a proclivity for legumes.

Spicy. You are eating his ass. You carry his remains?

No, his ashes. He loved to smoke. They never found the body. Oh, well, I'm sure

he had his reasons.

What are you implying? Nothing.

My daddy was never mere that, mind you. He had been sober for over a month. And

for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental responsibilities at

delicate time on my personal development is an affront to my sense of...

Miss Beans?

Miss Beans?

Hello?

What? What?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What am I doing? You're cuddling me. You were frozen. No, I wasn't. Yes, you

were. You stopped talking.

Well, it's a defense mechanism.

Actually, lots of losers have it.

You're making that up.

So, you get a diet here or you want to ride into town?

No, no, no. Yeah.

No. Yes, please. Thank you.

Today's Wednesday.

Wednesday's when we all get to it.

So, who are you really?

Well, I'm a man of many epithets.

There's my stage name, my pen name, my avatar.

Had a pseudonym once, but had it legally changed.

And so the stranger, seeking companionship, finds the woman, much

sirens of ancient times, luring him to his certain demise.

I'm actually one of the few men with a maiden name. Whoa, here we are.

I sure do appreciate this, Miss Beans, and if there's ever anything that I

can... Get on up!

Okay, then.

See ya, Beans.

Good night, Jim.

Well, we gave it our best shot.

We had to sell out. Can't grow no crops without no water.

Bye now.

Ow!

What was that for?

You're funny looking.

Oh, yeah?

You're funny looking, too.

That's a funny looking shirt.

It's a funny looking dress. You got funny looking eyes. You got a funny

face.

You're a stranger.

Strangers don't last long here.

Here's your beans, Beans.

I'm gonna need some more feed, too, Willie.

Now, Beans, you owe me three quarts already.

I can't give you no more credit.

But I'll have what I owe you at noon.

You don't understand.

It's Mr. Merrimack down at the bank. He cut off all credit.

Hey, Beans!

Beans! You know that there, fella?

Hey, Beans! Miss Beans!

Nope. Hey, Beans! Huh?

Hey.

Look.

I'd like a glass of water.

He wants a glass of water!

Make it a double!

Just the two!

Cactus juice.

That's what we got.

Fruit Cup?

You're a long way from home, ain't ya?

Who exactly are you?

Who am I?

I could be anyone.

What's the matter?

You missing your mommy's mangoes?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Not as much as your daddy's cooking!

Exactly.

Where did you say you were from? Me?

I'm from the west.

Out there, beyond the horizon.

Past the sunset.

The far west.

Yeah, that's right, hombres.

Place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite.

Then we thaw him.

Then we pepper him.

Then we braise him in clarified butter.

And then we eat him.

You eat him? That's what I said!

Hell, I see things make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions.

You spend three days in a horse carcass living off your own juices.

It'll change a man.

Oh, yeah.

Had a few extra ages in this deck, gentlemen.

The way I like it.

So no, my hair -suit little rodent friend. I am not from around these

You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewing and hell waiting

raised.

You might say I'm what hell's already raised up.

Named Rango.

Are you the fellow that killed them Jenkins brothers?

Uh -huh. Killed them with one bullet.

Don't get no debtor.

Oh, seven of them.

That's right.

All seven of them.

Exactly how you do that, Mr. Rangel?

You know, I'm glad you asked me that.

And I will be happy to tell you how. But you're all going to have to listen up.

Because this is where it gets... complicated.

Well, that'll close out your account, Mrs. Oates. Two goats and a swig.

Hands off, Mordecai!

That's what's left of your college education.

I don't quite have no other choice, Beans.

Time's being so hard, we just can't give no more credit.

But this here is a bank. This is where you keep the water. I keep the water.

Beans, you've been like a niece to me ever since your daddy did not fall

drunk down a mine shaft.

And I've tried to protect you and others from certain...

Realities? Oh, well, the weight of them realities are bearing down. Mr.

Merrimack. Are you all right?

Beans, I need to show you something.

That's all that's left.

And this here is the reserve.

I don't know as if you've noticed, but folks just ain't making deposits on a

Wednesday no more.

Mr. Merrimack, if I don't get some water, I'm going to lose my ranch, and

telling me that's all that's left in the whole town?

Now, that just don't make no sense.

Now, listen.

Someone is dumping water in the desert.

I've seen it with my own eyes.

Water in the desert.

Was this during one of your special times?

No. Well, we can all dream.

But this is the reality.

What? do you think so many people are selling out? They just can't make it.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I suppose we could talk to the mayor. I hear he's been helping people

in this time of crisis.

The mayor?

He may be our only hope.

A bullet hits the shovel, ricochets back towards number three, and that's when

the roof caved in, igniting the thermos of pure grain alcohol, instantly

vaporizing his bodily form, leaving nothing but a charcoal statue and a high

-pitched squeal.

That's only six.

What happened to number seven?

Number seven?

Hell, he died of infection.

We'll stay long, my friend. If I see your face in this town again, I'm going

slice it off and use it to wipe my unmentionables.

Mind the beak.

Don't come back!

What are you all gawping at?

Hey, Bill, there's something I can't do.

What is this?

You know who that is, Bill?

That there's Rangel.

Yeah, yeah, he ain't afraid of you.

He ain't afraid of none of you. Killed them Jenkins brothers.

Done it with one bullet, Bill.

All seven of them.

Is that right?

Oh. Oh,

let me get that.

No.

Oh, I know. Here.

Oh.

Just stick.

Careful, that's for you.

All better.

All right, now listen.

I want to give you fellas one last chance to reconsider.

And if you don't want to reconsider, I might consider reconsidering

myself.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

All right, now, listen up.

Things are going to be different around here now that Ringo's in town.

Got a new rule.

I want my shoes shined every morning when I call behind.

Danny's on the side.

Whatever you do, don't look me in the eye.

Stay out of my peripheral vision.

It's Ringo. What's he up to? He ain't afraid of nobody.

He's a -telling that bird what for.

When you see me coming, stand aside.

I take large steps, and I don't want none of you hay thieves getting your

fluids on my boots.

Of course, there is no need for violence as long as we stick together and work

as a team.

So I want you all to come on outside now and line up single file while I take a

brief intervention.

What's he doing now?

I think it's a number two.

Never. Never mind.

He killed that thing.

What do you think, Doc?

This hawk is dead.

Shoot. I say we cut that right up.

He did it with one bullet. Just like you said.

It's about time we had a hero around here.

One wing in a pine box.

I think it's time he met the mayor.

You hear that, Ringo?

You're going to meet the mayor.

Let's hear it for...

And so the stranger basked in the adulation of his new friends, sinking

into the guacamole of his own deception.

When is he going to die?

Soon, compadre, soon.

If you just talk to him.

Please. Where are you going? Please.

The mayor will see you now.

Water, Mr. Rango.

Water.

Without it, there's nothing but dust and decay.

But with water, there's life.

Look at them. So desperate to live, they'll follow it anywhere.

That's the immutable law of the desert.

Control the water, and you control everything.

But I don't have to tell you that. Being a true man of the West, as you are.

Oh, yeah.

The West is the best.

This is from my private stock.

Vintage rainwater from the Great Deluge.

Not Noah's Day, Louie. Good heavens, I'm not that old.

I guess power has its privileges.

You make a good point, son.

But with privilege comes responsibility.

Hell, I was mayor here before there was a dirt. And I may be just a sentimental

old turtle. But I think there's a future for this town. And I hope you'll be

part of it.

To dirt.

To dirt.

You see them, Mr. Rango, all my friends and neighbors?

It's a hard life here.

Very hard.

Do you know how they make it through each and every day?

They believe.

They believe it's going to be better.

They believe that the water will come.

They believe against all odds and all evidence that tomorrow will be better

today.

People have to believe in something.

Right now, they believe in you.

Pick it up, Mr. Rango.

Your destiny awaits.

People have to believe in something.

It's almost noon.

Is everything ready?

Yeah, but he might be a problem.

He's not a problem, William.

He's a solution.

Just don't make no sense.

This whole town is drying up, and the mayor is the only one who don't seem to

affected. Didn't that make you just a wee bit suspicious?

And what about that water I saw out in the desert? All right, all right, all

right, all right. No need to incite anxiety.

I'll inquire about the mayor, but... If you really feel there's some conspiracy

occurring, I suggest you take it up with the new sheriff.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, hey.

Not too tight now. Want to leave a little room for some pucker? That's

Have you got French cuffs with that? Excuse me, Sheriff Ringo. I want to talk

you. Hey, Bean.

What do you think of the new dad? I got a 10 -gallon hat marked down from 15.

That's nice. Have you met Angelique? Hello, Bean.

Hello, Angelique. It's out.

Bloozy. It's right up there. Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr.

Rango. I will blow that ugly right off your face.

I was just thinking that I... Oh, you want the old John Hancock, do you? Well,

here, hold this. Chef Rango, this isn't a social call. There's a bullet in

there. Oh, I know, I know all about the old shindig this afternoon. I ordered

myself some rice fancy duds. Chef, I'd like to file... Mr. Rango. You do? No

problem. Here, let me just... I need you to investigate. You know, Beans, I'll

bet you clean up real nice. Put a little leopard into it.

What? Now, remember, son, stay in school, eat your veggies, burn

Shakespeare. Who's Shakespeare? Chef Rango!

Is your real name?

I'm trying to save my daddy's ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural

meltdown while you're playing patty cake with a huge roll -up.

God, really.

Such a driveless old thing.

Why does she do that?

It's a survival reflex.

Her switch is just broken.

Well, that's an inconvenience. It is not a rash. It is a burst mark.

I did it again, didn't I?

Did what?

Let me ask you something.

Did anybody here mention what happened to our last sheriff?

May I ask you, excuse me, may I ask you, the last sheriff, pardon

me, where did everybody go? What exactly happened to the...

Still working out those steps.

So, is this considered normal civic behavior?

Mm -hmm. Every Wednesday.

Just like clockwork.

You killed Bird?

Yeah.

Matter of fact, I did.

Bird dead.

Snake come.

Is it Snake?

He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr. Rango. He never comes to town because he's scared

of that hawk. But he might come now.

Does that have your boots when you're dead?

No. I ain't got no problem with this Rattlesnake Jake.

That's just what Amos said.

Amos?

You got any gold fillin'?

My

fellow...

Dyrtonians, I welcome you to our great day of deliverance. Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Acolytes, prepare the Holy Spigot.

We have a newcomer amongst us today, my friends.

A man I think needs little introduction to you. So bold has been his entry into

our fair society.

Mr. Rango, would you step forward?

The time has come, my friend.

The time that was foretold. The sacred time.

The time of destiny.

The time of deliverance. Hallelujah. It is the time of hydration.

Times will be tough from now on.

Sacrifices will have to be made.

But if I can help in any way, please know that my daughter is always... Hold

Hold it!

Now, this whole thing stinks three ways to Sunday. First, the banks run dry, and

now this here spigot. Banks run dry? What's she talking about? She said...

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank goodness you're here, Sheriff. Things were getting out of hand.

Come right in, Sheriff. All right, now. Let me have a gander at the source of

the societal discontentment here.

All right, listen up.

I've been thinking, and I believe I've figured something out.

You folks have a water problem.

Attention, everybody. I'm trying to make a point here.

Let's say this belly here were to take a drink of water. Just one little drink.

No harm. No foul. Right?

And you!

Why, you're just as dried up and parched as a jackrabbit in July. So you belly

on up and take you a double job.

Stay with me.

What do you think happens then?

Why, we'd all be drinking.

And before you know it...

We'd be thirsty.

Real thirsty.

Or we'd turn on each other like a bunch of animals.

Now, look here. We have got six days of water.

We have got five days.

As long as we've got water, we've got ourselves a town.

Sheriff Rango.

is right.

As long as we have this water, we have some hope.

And you can all take it from me. My 100 % full -time employment from this moment

on will be to protect our precious natural resource.

Ain't no one gonna tango with the wrangle.

Even ladies hold on there Gordy now you get

back on in there and you assert yourself And I think you'll find the people that

this year town to be surprisingly hospitable I

Stand corrected

Get them hands up where I can see them.

Just as I suspected.

Prospecting without the authorized equipment.

Don't move a muckle.

I'll take them.

Now, you got your shovel, pickaxe, benadryl, loofah, sorted snacks, some

books, and you're gonna need a permit.

Get your Jedi what the damn hell's going on up there. I've had polyps removed

smarter than the two of you.

Hell's... This ain't a bar. The sheriff is standing right here helping us out.

Gonna give us a permit for prospecting. That's right, sir.

Just doing my duty.

The lonely constable on his rounds, keeping an eagle eye out for mayhem and

malfeasance. He look like he's hound? Mm -hmm.

Well, Sheriff, if we was to hit the mother load, being prospectors and such,

where would we deposit said annuity?

Well, here in the town of Dirt, we happen to have the finest financial

institution this side of Missouri.

Protected morning, noon, and night by yours truly.

Much obliged.

The bank's been robbed!

The bank's been robbed!

Oh, good Lord, the bank's been robbed!

What's going on? Don't go!

What'd he say? He said the bank's been robbed!

Well, Dr. Marks, I'm on fire.

Embrace me.

All right, folks, stand back, clear the area. This is a crime scene now.

Secure the perimeter, dust for prints, check for fibers, scan for DNA. I want a

urine sample from everyone and get me a latte.

Don't mix up the two.

What's this?

Prospecting permit.

I'll take that.

Material evidence.

What are we going to do now, Sheriff? We need that water.

My friends, we all know what we have to do now. That's right. We all know what

we have to do now.

And that would be... Farm a possum.

A possum.

Now, we're going to be doing this in an orderly fashion.

First off, does anybody here know...

What do we do now, Sheriff?

Now, we ride.

Now, as my deputy, you'll be in charge of all tracking and finding the

utilizing your well -developed ingenuity. No offense taken.

So which way do you think they went? You want to sniff the air or commune with a

buffalo or something?

Ooh, you're good.

Now, I'm depending on you, Spoon.

Ooh, you got a little tobacco in the beard there.

Man, always good to have a medical man along, Doc.

Reptiles. Gotta stick together, right, my brother?

I'm an amphibian. Ain't no shame in that.

Whoa!

Are you sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?

Well,

you got a little something in your eye there.

Oh, that?

That there's conjunctivitis, sir.

It's hereditary.

Oh. Well, I'm glad to hear it's not contagious.

Now, just wait a cotton -picking minute. A posse ain't no place for a... Whoa,

whoa, whoa. Hold on there, little sister.

Someone's going to have to look after the town while I'm gone.

Can I go shoot someone?

Let's put a pin in that.

Sheriff, you're going to bring that water back, aren't you?

Count on it, little sister.

Which way do we go, Sheriff? There's tunnels everywhere.

The whole town's perforated with them. She's got more holes in her than a

painted lady on a Pokemon.

Hey, my daddy took me to her place.

Not what I expected.

How'd them fellas find the bank anyway?

Gentlemen, if we can just stay on task here. Over here.

Would you look at that?

Like seeing the face of God.

Amen, brother.

I remember when it used to flow every Wednesday. Those were the halcyon days.

Must be a reason she quit on us. Whatever the reason.

Something is controlling this here water.

What do you say, Sheriff?

Uh, clearly the robbers came from this direction.

I say we track this pipe back to its hydraulic origin and apprehend the

behind this aquatic conundrum.

What'd he say?

I think he said follow the pipe. He said follow the pipe. He said follow the

pipe.

It sure is humid down here.

Yeah, it's activated in my piles.

I had a gourd to remove once.

Look like Tony Bennett stepping out of the shower.

I put that on the tortilla.

Whatever you do, do not look down.

Whoa!

What is this place?

It's an aquifer.

Wow.

What's an aquifer?

Well, we're out there.

Well, empty now.

That's a big one.

It's the end of the line.

Don't go no further.

Well, now that there is a pipe.

It's got to be connected to something.

You talk too much. Why don't you put a cork in it? How'd you put a cork? I told

you it was a central sign. Your mama did. I'll cook her right up. You just

get it, do you?

Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe's got

something to do with it. Now, I thought we was pulling bank robbers. We're

experiencing a paradigm shift. I'm going to shift the features on your face if

you don't shut up. Go ahead, try.

Quiet,

you savages. Stop your babbling. You're affecting my connotation.

Whoa, I got it.

Snuff out them torches.

Get your foot out of my face! Not bad, huh, Vince?

You keep thinking like that, your head's gonna catch on fire.

Well, you know, you get on a roll, you... Hot, hot, burn.

Oh, oh, ow.

Poor thing.

All they wanted was a little water.

Act is dying of thirst.

I don't bode well.

Hey, look what I found. What you got there? Hey, I thought I found some

Hey, that's mine. Give me that.

He's empty anyway.

I knew that.

Hey, where'd you find that?

Sheriff, you're going to want to see this.

It's Mr. Merrimack from the bank.

What's he doing here? Everybody stand back. All right, let me see this. Looks

like them varmints shot him in the back.

No, this man wasn't shot.

He was drowned.

Drowned? In the middle of the desert? Oh, what a way to go.

Well, now, whose boot prints are those?

That's interesting.

The ground's still wet.

I suppose we should bury him.

I don't know. Birds gotta eat, too.

Circle of life.

Sir, will you say a few words?

Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor this man, Mr.

Merrimack.

You have the right to remain silent, speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Amen.

Hey, what's that dadgum Indian doing?

I see you're consulting with the spirits.

No. I'm molting.

Means I'm ready to mate.

Oh. I'll keep that in mind.

Cactus root.

Ah, yes.

The ancient cactus root. I believe your people use it as seasoning when

preparing your native dishes.

Also, natural laxative.

Pick up trail.

Three men heading west.

One blind.

One with a large prostate right inside that hole. What is that? They're riding

sobslaves. What?

We're whispering.

What do you say? Someone's got a bad valve.

All right. Which one of you fellas needs a checkup?

Awkward. Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?

Now, we ride.

That means we're riding now.

This moment.

Marshmallows remind me of going camping with my daddy. I could eat them all

night long.

Of course, he did make me cough them back up again for breakfast.

This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian. That ain't nothing.

I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies.

They started looking at me weird.

I remember them.

They was quite friendly.

I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once.

might want to get that looked at.

Uh, Pastor Beans, Beans.

Sheriff? Uh, no thanks. Mr. Rangel, can you tell us about the Spirit of the

West? Oh, yeah. Tell us about that. Do you know what they say?

Ah, yes.

The Spirit of the West.

The eternally unattainable ideal.

They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to

But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest and have made

to the other side.

The other side of what?

It's a metaphor.

Ow, my eye!

That's going to heal right up.

Sheriff, what are you going to do about Rattle, Make, Jake?

Where?

Sorry about that.

Where it is, you come against him once or twice.

Oh, yeah.

Jake, you mean my brother.

Your brother? That's what I said!

But he's a snake and you're a lizard.

Well, Mama had an active social life.

Did he ever bite you?

Sure enough, did. Look at that baby.

Go ahead, you can touch it.

Oh, that's interesting.

That there's a belly button.

Luckily, I'm immune to his venom. Put some in my coffee just to give it a

tang. Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?

Them's what we call his natural predator.

All this talk of that serpentine devil's putting my quills on edge.

I ain't sleeping tonight.

No, sir.

Don't y 'all worry about a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and

return to a hero's welcome.

Friends, before we bunk down, I'd like us all to join hands for a moment. Say a

few words to the spirit of the West.

Ain't always spoken rightly to you, Spirit of the West.

But tonight, I want to thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives.

It's a hard life we got.

Sometimes, I don't know how we're going to make it.

Somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will.

We needed a brave man, and he sent us one.

Nice to have someone to believe in again.

Thank you, Spirit of the West.

Amen.

Ooh, just checking.

It's a little cold tonight.

Thank you.

You ever feel like those things are looking at you?

That's a Spanish dagger.

But around here, we just call them the walking cactus.

Walking? There's an old legend they actually walk across the desert to find

water. When I was a little girl, I'd stay up late watching them to see if

move. I thought if I could follow them, they'd lead me to someplace wonderful.

Someplace with enough water for everyone.

Night after night, I watched them.

I never saw them move.

But you're still watching?

Who didn't want to find someplace wonderful?

We'll find the water beans.

I promise you.

It's such a lonely sound.

You ever get lonely?

Sometimes.

I can't imagine it. You're such a charmer, and everyone likes you so much.

I never made friends easy like that.

No? No, we're pretty isolated out there on the ranch, sort of like being sealed

up in a little box.

Don't really see a lot of folks.

I wouldn't know what that's like.

There someone special in your life, Ringo?

Oh, well, there used to be, but she couldn't keep her head.

Besides, my life's too dangerous for that kind of thing.

You know, it's an awful solitary existence out there on the prairie.

Riding the ranges and the touchline.

Beans?

Beans?

Cholera requirements, ain't they?

Dysfunctional family.

Need intervention.

What's that coming?

It's the water.

The water.

I have a plan.

And each and every one of you has a part to play.

What do I do?

Spoons, you got the most important job of all. You stay up here on the ridge,

and if anything goes wrong, you give the signal.

It means, what size dress are you wearing?

I got it!

Hallelujah! You did it, son!

Well, actually... Why can't you be all ready like a brother?

I'm happy about that water. There's something I got to tell you. Hush, hush

now. Somebody's coming.

Woo -hoo!

Ha -ha! Good sir!

Gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee! May I present, Madam Lupo's

Temsecorean troop of...

What is that?

I think they're staspians.

Staspians? That's illegal in seven states.

The stage is set. The princess prepares to take her own life.

I yearn for love.

Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate.

Stands watch at the castle gate.

Hark! Who goes there?

This plot's highly predictable. Quiet! This is my favorite part.

Arriving to great fanfare, it was her aged father.

What was that?

We got you surrounded.

You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see them.

My entire family?

It's a full house.

Looks like we're going to have ourselves a good old -fashioned standoff.

I'll have you know, you're not looking at our entire contingent.

What's that? What's that supposed to be?

That's the signal.

That's the signal.

Something must have gone wrong.

So, uh, something's supposed to happen?

I am open to suggestions.

Have ourselves some sport chillings.

I like it when they run.

Maybe I'll give the holler.

Yee -haw!

Yee -haw!

Yee -haw! Looks like we made it. That audience is quite responsive.

Yeah, well, I think that clown was on poos about dried up.

It's time for the...

We'll see, folks. Give them some gumbo now.

No!

What the hell have we been fighting for? Sir, you have defiled and desecrated

the very sustenance of our livelihood.

I don't think that they're failing the party dressed as the sheriff.

That's the same fellow who would give us a prospecting permit.

A what?

Irrelevant. Obfuscation. You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery

the murder of our beloved financial advisor, Johannes Merrimack III, a .k

Fluffy Joe.

Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We don't tunnel into that vault. but there

weren't nothing in it. Somebody done robbed that bank before we robbed it.

where'd you get this here jug?

That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.

There's a wide tarnation that you can bring in here. Hold on, hold on.

You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it? Uh -huh, that's

I don't believe a word of it. Let's hang him, Sheriff.

Who would dump water in the desert?

Wouldn't be the first time.

It's a puzzle.

It's like a big old mammogram.

What's going on, Sheriff?

I don't know.

But I'm going to strip away this mystery and expose its private parts.

You and your kin are coming with me.

Where's the water?

There weren't no water.

Where's he going?

He's going to see the mayor.

You've got to be pleased with that, yeah?

That's interesting.

I do apologize for the shoes, Mr. Rango, but there's a certain protocol to this

game, you understand?

I'm a bit of a stickler for protocol.

Well, that's good, because you've got a few questions to answer, and I've got my

own protocol.

But why would anyone dump water in the blooming desert?

It does seem a bit naive taking the word of admitted bank robbers.

Besides, once they hang, your job is done.

Bravo! What if somebody did rob the bank before they got there?

And who would do that, Mr. Rango?

I was hoping you could tell me.

That sounds marginally near to an accusation.

Take it any way you like.

Something you said keeps rattling around in my frontal lobe. What's that?

Control the water, and you control everything.

Come now, Mr. Rango. You attribute divine power to me.

How on earth can I possibly control the water?

You've obviously mastered this game.

Well, I've been playing it for many years, sir.

I was here before the highway split this great valley. I watched the march of

progress, and I learned a thing or two.

Perhaps it's time you started to take the long view.

Begin to appreciate the broad suite of history.

Look out there, son.

You can almost see time passing.

What are you building out here?

The future, Mr. Rango.

The future.

One day soon, all this is going to fade into myth.

The frontier town, the lawmen, the gunslinger. There's just no place for

anymore. We're civilized now.

That's right.

Civilized. That's what the future holds. You can either be part of it, or you

can be left behind.

Is that what happened to Mr. Merrimack?

Did he get left behind? Careful, Mr. Engle. You seem to forget you're just

little lizard.

You seem to forget.

I'm the law around these parts.

Our new sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he's actually starting

believe it.

All in, Rattlesnake Jake.

Jake's the Grim Reaper.

He never leaves you without taking a blooming soul.

Do it!

Now be still. You've got to look presentable to meet your maker.

La muerte ha llegado.

Death has arrived. ¿Dónde están tus

huevos? How will the hero survive?

The mayor has bought up all the land in the valley.

Except for your ranch, Miss Beans.

That just don't make no sense.

Without water, that land is useless.

Unless he controls the water like a monkey's bladder.

Then he could bring it back once he's bought up all the land.

But how does he control the water?

Well, you gotta spend some time training them. Because, you know, monkeys, when

they do go, you rub their nose in it.

Sheriff, we got a problem.

Hold on, Beans.

That won't be necessary.

You

two

spoons? They done taken that water. They taken everything we got. No one's

stringing anyone up. Not while I'm sharing.

It's just we got no hope without that water.

We got nothing left to believe in.

You see that sign up there?

As long as that sign says sheriff, you can believe that there's law and order

this town.

But without law and order.

Ruminate on that.

Oh, yeah.

Starts out slow like a fungus.

Somebody says a crossword, accusations start flying, neighbor turns on

Pretty soon, we're eating our children, then dogs and cats are getting together

to create all sorts of unnatural mutant aberrations.

So you want something to believe in, Spoons?

Believe in me.

Believe in that there sign.

For as long as it hangs there, we got hope.

Hello, brother.

So stingy.

Long time, brother.

How you been keeping?

Oh, well, you know.

I hear you've been telling about how you killed all them Kinkins brothers with

one bullet.

Wasn't that right?

All these good folks here believe your little stories, don't they? Why, they

believe you're just a stone killer, don't they?

Seems these folks trust you.

They think you're going to save their little town.

They think you're going to save their little home.

So why don't you show your friends here what you're made of?

Show them who you really are.

Why don't you just pull your gun and shoot me?

But of course, you want me to be just one, right?

Go ahead, hero.

Pull the trigger.

You got killer in your eyes, son.

I don't see it.

You didn't do any of them things you said, did you? You didn't kill them

brothers. You ain't even from the West, are you?

Say it!

No. Oh, speak up. I don't think your friends here heard you.

No. All you've done is lie to these good people. You ain't nothing but a fake

and a coward.

Isn't that right?

Yes. Louder!

Yes.

If I ever see you again, I will take your soul straight down down.

Yell about your carriage.

The spirit of the West.

Excuse me, Mr.

Spirit, sir?

Ah, there's a beaut.

Sometimes you gotta dig deep to find what you're looking for.

So you made it.

Is this heaven?

If it were, we'd be eating Pop -Tarts with Kim Novak.

Yeah. No kidding.

What are you doing out here?

Searching. Same as you.

I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore.

I don't even know who I am.

They used to call you the man with no name.

These days, they got a name for just about everything.

Doesn't matter what they call you.

It's the deeds that make the man.

Yeah, but my deeds just made things worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phony.

My friends believed in me, but they need some kind of hero. Then be a hero.

Oh, no. No, no.

You don't understand. I'm not even supposed to be here.

That's right.

You came a long way to find something that isn't out here.

Don't you see?

It's not about you.

It's about them.

But I can't go back.

Don't know that you got a choice, son.

No man can walk out on his own story.

So you made it.

That's right, amigo.

The other side of the road.

Did you just see that?

We each see what we need to see.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah.

It is.

Come, my friend.

I want to show you something.

Many years ago, this entire valley was covered in agua.

Now, only one question remains.

Where did it go?

They follow the water.

Come on.

I just don't make no sense.

Without water, that land is useless.

What are you building out here?

The future, Mr. Rangel.

You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.

I was here before the highway split this great valley.

I watched the march of the prophet, and I learned a thing or two.

everything.

Come now, Mr. Rango.

You attribute divine power to me. How on earth can I possibly control the water?

What now amigo No

man can walk out on his own story

I'm going back

You got a lot of nerve showing up here, lawman.

What is it you want?

Your pappy and them boys are about to hang for something they didn't do.

But I've got a plan.

I appreciate how difficult this is for you beans, but you're making a practical

decision.

Decisions, decisions.

There's no need for any more suffering.

Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland

now. Sign the deed and relieve yourself of your father's burden.

My daddy was not a burden.

Keep your blood money, and I'll keep my land.

Do what he says, or by all the fires of the Black Pit, I'll squeeze them pretty

brown eyes out of your skull.

Now, hold on, Chief.

There's no need to do my job. You brought me in there. We're going to play

thing out to the end.

Sign the damn paper, woman.

Go to hell.

Where do you think I come from?

Look into my eyes. I want to see you die.

Jay!

I'm calling you out!

Jay!

This day just got a little...

Put her down or what little man you're gonna kill me.

That's just about the size of it All

right sheriff make your move

Amigos! That

was

a bad idea.

Thirsty, brother.

Here it comes!

It's a vehicle!

Look out!

What is that?

It's our salvation, Pop!

It's a day away, boys. We're fucked it out.

I'm gonna blow so many holes in you, your guts will be licking lead.

Well, then it's a good thing I brought some backup.

It only takes one bullet.

You ain't got...

Oh, Mr. Rango, aren't you forgetting something?

Hand me your gun, Sheriff.

Now, Mr. Rango.

All my problems taken care of.

Except for one.

It's a new West, Jake. There's no room for gunslingers anymore.

We're businessmen now.

We got new hats.

Where'd that come from? We call this improvisation.

But I think you just swallowed Plan B. What?

Okay. Panic time. You and the Sheriff are more alike than you think.

You're nothing but legends.

Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed.

One last bullet to kill one last outlaw.

How fitting.

Now, Cheryl, I'm sure if we work together, we can reach a mutually

solution to our current situation.

You better take it up with him.

One bullet.

I tip my hat to you.

One legend to another.

What was that you said?

Pretty soon no one will believe you even instead.

No! No! No!

No!

Ringo! Who?

You brought the water back.

Like you promised.

Oh, well, the thing about heroes is whenever you... Don't call it.

Right.

Well, I don't know about you all, but I could sure go for a dip.

And so the lizard completes his journey from humble beginnings to the legend we

sing of today.

And although he is certain to die, perhaps from a household accident.

which account for 65 % of all unnatural deaths, the people of the village will

honor his memory, even as they abandon their dignity.

I really think you complete me. Pretty young hands, my firemen.

Oh, cut, cut.

Everybody take five. I'm not going to take much of your more. Oh,

you kids.

How? What'd you do that for?

I'm just checking.

I hear if you get too sunburned, you can peel a man's face right off. Who is it?

Is that there? Is it humans? Don't touch it. It's the second time that's

happened. This water thing's great.

I'm urinating right now.

I don't swim.

That's five minutes.

Between the points. Now, I packed your lunch. Dana, she's in there, and I

the raisins out just the way you like it. And don't forget your nasal sprays

your saddlebag. And your moisturizing lotion. Now, Beans, we talked about

Lotion? And that's for my gun.

That's gun lotion.

Sheriff, where are you headed?

Oh, there's trouble down Dry Creek.

Bad Bill's been acting up again. Now, honey, you come back with all your

and don't go trying to be a hero. That means you are missing the point.

I've got an image to protect now.

Whoa! Where's my Tic Tac?

Oh.

I found him.

What's going on? Well, in order to satisfy the needs of the collective, the

must abandon the self and solidify his image as an icon that will forever be

remembered. Uh, so, this is the Sunset Shop.

Uh -huh.

Give them a good one, amigo.

Whoa, whoa.

Ready, Excelsior?

My fellow comrade, there will be times when you doubt yourself, when you feel

pummeled by the cataclysms of life.

Remember this moment.

Remember me.

Know that I will be there watching you, sometimes at inappropriate moments.

That's part of the deal.

And remember that within all of us resides the truth.

spirit of the let's take it from the top

From out of the dust came a man true and bold, champion of the fandango.

By night he drank whiskey, by day killed bad men, and the townspeople knew him

as Rango.

Coming down the mountainside, the people hailed his name, and of his legend they

sang gold.

With iron in his heart and steel in his soul, he pumped their...

The notion killed.

He is gone, but his legend still lives on.

In the brothels at the looms of Durango.

He lived as he died.