Original subtitles

Huh? Huh?

Hello,

Dolly. Hello, Tiger.

I'm sorry, Vic. My car... She's been slipping.

Don't worry, darling. Mine won't. You hot -blooded hedge -cutter.

I was beginning to get worried. I thought I might have to start cutting

edge. Well, that would never do. We don't want you towering yourself out.

cutting edges anywhere.

You know, Sidney, sometimes you're so rough and earthy.

I'm delighted to say.

Beg your pardon?

Oh, no, I beg yours. I thought you were one of us, but now I see that you're one

of them.

I'm not quite sure what you're talking about.

Sex. I classified you wrongly.

You're male.

If I'm not, I'm very flat -chested.

Oh, very true.

Listen, now you've established my sex, why don't you come in and then we can

introduce ourselves properly, eh?

I'm Ramona Barkley, widow of this parish and several others.

I'm Victor Evans, you see.

Bachelor from Beddyshire College.

Oh, you're a Welshman. Yes, yes, I'm proud of it.

Oh, fascinating people, the Welsh. My first husband was a Celt.

Or was it my second? Well, it was one of them.

Oh, he used to prance around Stonehenge.

Talk! Naked.

Was he some sort of druid? No, just an exhibitionist.

Well, we're very extrovert, us Welsh. Oh, yes, and passionate.

I adore Welshmen. You do?

It's years since I left Wales. I'm well and truly anglicised. Oh, really? I do

hope it wasn't painful.

I suppose you're wondering why I've called.

Well, it had crossed my mind, yes.

Well. I'm looking for a man.

Well, it's only natural, you being a widow.

You don't understand.

I want a man who thinks he can take advantage of my beautiful daughter.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll be only too happy to oblige. I'm not advertising

the position.

I'm trying to curb her of her amorous activities.

Oh, I can assure you I've not been amorous with her. No, no, it isn't you.

It's Mr.

Turner. Sidney?

You must be mistaken.

I'm not mistaken.

Oh, he's having a wild, passionate affair.

Are you sure?

Yes. Well, if he's with Hillary, he must be. She's absolutely mad, mad.

I don't know where she gets it from.

I think you're mistaken, you see. I think you've got the wrong Mr. Turner.

Well, his kidney's in the top meadow, slogging away.

Thank you, Tiger.

I like to breathe now and again.

Oh, Sidney, you're so strong, so virile, so masculine. Yes, well, either you've

got it or you haven't. And you've definitely got to come here. Now, wait,

hang on, hang on.

What is it now? Well, it's nearly one o 'clock.

Well, we're not on shift work. No, I know, but even Ford's not all for lunch.

Couldn't we put in a little overtime?

No, no, no.

I think I'd better get back. We could be waiting. Come on.

I'd like to meet this partner of yours.

Yeah, well, I think you'd be wasting your time, really. It's his age, you

How old is he?

Seventy -odd. He's pathetic, really, the way he is. Potter's about. He's quite

happy.

What about this afternoon?

Pick me up in half an hour.

All right, tiger.

20 minutes.

20 minutes? I can't wait that long. Why not?

Well, I want to get back on the job.

Sid, how much longer are you going to be on that hedge? Oh, it could be days,

yeah. Days?

Well, even a couple of weeks.

Does the name Barclay mean anything to you?

Barclay? Yeah, Barclay. I had a Mrs. Barclay around here this morning,

that you were pleasuring yourself with her daughter.

Me? Yeah, you.

No, no, not me, mate.

Now, I don't know if I'm the wrong turner.

Must be some other fellow that's messing about with Hillary.

Hillary?

Is that her name?

That's what you just said.

Did I?

Yeah. Oh, well, just a picture of speech.

Just shows you what a small world it is.

Hello. It's the Fletcher Police Force.

Come to collect his eggs, though, Speck?

Oh, no.

I'm sick and tired of him scrounging all the time. Ah, what's it... I said it's

worth it. Keep on the right side of the law.

We're running a blooming farm, mate, not a strip club.

I mean...

We don't have to pay protection.

If he wants any more eggs, he'll have to lay them himself.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Morning. Definitely not.

I beg your pardon, sir? No more eggs.

You'll have to scrounge them somewhere else. Mr. Turner, I hope you don't think

my weekly visits have anything to do with my egg consumption.

Why do you come round here, then? As a representative of law and order, I

consider it my duty to visit all farm properties in this area to discourage

marauders and stamp out cattle rustling.

Cattle knocker? Who do you think you are, John Wayne?

There's no cattle rustlers in Fletchley.

Exactly. It just shows you what a good job I'm doing.

Well, he's got a point there. I mean, that's worth half a dozen eggs, isn't

No, no, no, sir. I don't want you to think you'll be older than me in any

even though I do tramp the highways and byways in snow, sleet and rain.

On your behalf.

I accepted those eggs from the spirit in which they were given.

The spirit has just run out.

That's all right, sir. It'll make no difference to the execution of my duty.

Just because you have withdrawn the and of friendship does not mean that I

should be any less existent and bear you any malice. I should hope not.

Have you got a licence for that car outside, sir?

Yes. Is it tax -free, George?

Yes. Has it had the... No, it's had the MOT test.

Could I see them, please?

Yes.

You're wasting your time, mate. You haven't got a thing on me.

Very nice car, the Triumph Spitfire, sir.

Pardon? And a very nice young lady.

I would much rather he didn't know.

Oh, it's a secret, is it, sir?

Well, you know how it is. I know, sir.

Don't you worry, rely on my relaxants.

Yes.

Even though you have withdrawn the hand of friendship.

Oh, here they are, Vic. Licence, everything else. Vic, I've been thinking

eggs won't do us any harm. We don't want to take a chance on being rustled.

I know.

Are we friends again, then? Yeah, Mick.

What's half a dozen eggs?

A dozen.

Thank you, sir. Very generous.

I'll pick them up this afternoon with the butter.

Just half a pound will do, sir.

Well, I shan't be needing those now. Good day, gentlemen.

What's he got on you?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. He hasn't got anything on me. I gave him those eggs

of the warmth and generosity of my heart. If your heart is warm and

you better transplant.

I must get back to the hedge.

Back to the grind, eh?

Yes, you could call it that.

Shall I come and give you a hand? No, thanks. I can manage this job on my own.

if you're sitting away there nibbling at some bird's ear hole and you find

yourself surrounded by the beaver patrol.

Well, they were supposed to be studying fieldcraft.

I nearly saw some.

Yeah, but look, Sid, days are for working, nights are for crumpet.

Hillary is not crumpet. We'd hardly classify her as work. I would, mate.

been working on her for weeks. What do you mean?

She's the Sid Turner plan for prosperity.

What are you talking about? Marriage, mate. Feet under the table.

You mean you're contemplating wedlock?

Until death do us part.

I don't believe it.

All my life I've been looking for a bird like this. All my life. She's a

smasher. She fancies me. She's sex mad and she's loaded.

It's better than winning the pools.

What does Hillary think about getting spliced? Well, I haven't actually popped

the question yet, but that's just a mere formality. I mean, when I turn it on,

I'm irresistible.

I'm modest, with it.

I reckon I've cracked it. Oh, Sid, you know the old saying, don't count your

chickens? Don't worry, mate, this is one that's definitely going to hatch. Yeah,

but you've forgotten about Mother Hen, haven't you?

I'm under the impression she wasn't too keen on you.

She will be after tonight.

After tonight?

Lesson one in the Siddhartha Karma Sutra.

The way to a woman's heart is through her mother.

Hello, handsome.

Hello yourself, Miss Barkley.

Have we met before?

No, but I've seen you.

I've seen you with Sid.

I'm Victor Evans.

Amazing. I'd never have believed it. Believed what?

Are you having hormones?

Not that I'm aware of.

Doesn't the medical profession know about you?

No. I'm beginning to think they ought to know about you. You're a phenomenon.

What have I done?

Well, you look so young. I never thought you were 71.

71?

Hey, what did Sidney say?

He said you were a senile, toothless, doddering 70 -year -old.

Oh, he did, did he?

He obviously didn't want me to meet you.

Now I've seen you, I know why.

Is Simeon?

No, he's out.

Oh, what a pity.

Are you doing anything this evening?

Nothing that won't keep a couple of months.

Why don't we go for a drive?

Oh, I'd like that.

It's a nice night for it. I know, but let's go for a drive first.

All right.

Just give me the phone call first.

Don't go away.

OK?

Hello? The Barclay residence?

Ramona Barclay speaking.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Barclay. This is Victor Evans.

We met this morning. Do you remember?

Well, I had a word with Sid about your daughter.

Oh, so he has been trifling with her.

Oh, well, it's like this, you see.

He's using her to get at you.

It's you he really fancies.

Me? He fancies me?

Yes.

Infatuated. Worshipps you from afar, so to speak.

Oh, how very romantic.

And he's managed to overcome his natural shyness, and he's on his way to see you

now. I wouldn't be surprised if he plighted his trough.

He couldn't plight it in a better place.

Count your chickens, would you, Sidney?

Enter.

Mr Turner to see you, madam.

Just a moment.

didn't he, Turner?

Well, I hope you don't mind me calling, Mrs. Bartley.

Call me Ramona.

Ramona? That's an unusual name.

It's Spanish.

Oh, I didn't know you were Spanish.

No, I'm not, but I was conceived in Torremolinos.

Yes, very cosmopolitan. Here, I'll put you this.

Oh, you extravagant suitor. Yes, well, I thought... Pardon?

Don't look so surprised, isn't he? I know why you're here.

You do?

Yes. I've just spoken with Mr Evans.

Oh, well, I hope you haven't got any objections.

Oh, none whatsoever.

Do come and sit here. Oh, thank you.

Now, you're quite sure you know what you're doing.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, it was love at first sight.

Oh, you romantic rascal, you.

In favour of a long engagement?

Neither am I. I think we should get married right away. Oh, there you go

You wonderful fool!

How about next month?

How about next Saturday?

Oh, you impetuous Romeo!

Hildegard!

Hildegard?

Oh, it's Saturday?

Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait. Sock it to him, Sid, they call me.

Hildegard, dear.

Bring a bottle of Bollinger.

Mr. Turner and I are going to get married.

Hiya, Sid.

What have you been doing with Hillary?

Nothing. Did you have a mush?

You dirty devil.

How did you get all my money then?

You dropped me right in it there, didn't you?

70 -year -old Dodger, remember, Sid?

It's what they call tit for tat.

Yeah, and I finish up with a tat.

You got on well with her then, did you? Yes.

We get her married next Saturday.

Married? How the hell did that happen?

One minute we're chatting away, the next minute she's talking about the

honeymoon.

Well, congratulations, Sid. I don't mind about the congratulations. What do I

do? Oh, your age, you should know.

It's not funny.

Mr. Turner, allow me to congratulate you on your nuptials.

Everybody knows you and the charming Mrs. Barclay. What a surprise.

The biggest surprise it was to Sidney.

Now, Mr. Turner, the cars.

What cars? For the happy event.

C .D. Armitage, luxury limousines, weddings and funerals.

Who's C .D. Armitage? Oh, it's just a little sideline, you understand, sir.

luxury limousines have you got then? Rolls Royces and Daimlers?

Well, they're not exactly luxury limousines. What exactly are they? The

Ford Prefect and my panda car.

Do you use your funeral as a black mariah? Oh, as well as it is.

Now, with regard to the catering, sir, might I suggest my lady wife, she does a

very nice sit -down knife and fork with seven and six per head, one and a half

slices of ham each, bread and butter, green salad, cup of tea, and your

individual maid of honour. Because on the other hand, if it's to be your stand

-up, paper -plate, older -than -your -hand affair, her savouries and vol -au

-vons are the talk of the county.

Have you finished?

I was just trying to smooth your path of happiness, though. Oh, smooth me own

path. Thank you very much. Yes, sir. Well, I'll see you in church, then.

Who invited you?

I'm the resident organist, sir.

You are? Oh, I shall have all me stops out on Saturday.

Well, good day, gentlemen.

I'm telling you right now, there is not going to be any wedding. You're going to

break it off? Yes, I am, mate. I'll mark her card.

Get your pencil out.

Darling, have you told... to the good news.

He's talked about nothing else.

Oh, you expectant little groom.

I'll leave you lovebirds together then.

Sit down, Conchita.

Ramona. Oh, darling.

About the wedding.

Oh, don't worry, dear. All the arrangements are in hand. The cards are

the vicar alerted, and a special license has been applied for. Now, about the...

Tim, I felt we should start with, oh, perfect love.

What about, oh, God, our help?

I hope you're not developing cold feet. No, no, no, it's not. We've got to have

a very serious talk about us. There is something you ought to know.

Oh, dear, you haven't got any strange war wounds.

God forbid. I mean, the point is, what I'm trying to say is that marriage is a

very big step.

Oh, don't worry.

After five weddings, I'm well up the ladder.

The point is, is that we have got to be absolutely sure that we're right for

each other. Oh, but you're perfect for me.

Yes, well, you know what they say? It is better to have loved and lost than

never to have loved at all. Then again, they say it is better to have loved and

won than never to have lost.

Yes, well...

If you have lost, I mean, you get over it, because time is a great healer. Yes,

but not as great as the money.

Money? I was only jilted once. He was a very wealthy man. He owned a chain of

restaurants. I sued him for every penny he had.

Sued him? You know what they say about a woman scorned.

Scorned? The last time I heard of him, he was...

He was a waiter in a wimpy bar.

Now, what was it you wanted to say?

I'll see you in church.

That's it.

I don't feel very well. Come on, get in there.

Listen, this time tomorrow, just think, you'll be on your honeymoon.

It's no good, Vic. I can't go through with it. Shh!

I'm going to call it off. You can't call it off. You've got to go through with

it, otherwise we'll be ruined.

It's all right for you, isn't it?

Can you imagine what it's going to be like waking up every morning and seeing

that horrible face next to you on the pillow?

Don't worry, she'll soon get used to it. Oh, it's not mine, you twit!

I'm going to have another tranquiliser. Look, steady with those. They're not

dolly mixtures.

How much longer have I got?

Oh, I'll make it five minutes to zero.

Dearly beloved...

we are gathered here together in the sight of God and in the face of this

congregation to join together this man and this woman in the holiest state of

matrimony. If any of you have cause or just impediment to say why these two

people should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let him now speak or

forever hold his peace.

But thou... Hang on, hang on a minute.

Is something wrong? Yes, give somebody a chance to speak up.

There's no objection.

Go on, Reverend.

Would thou, Sidney Ambrose... Ambrose? Oh, shucks. Gentlemen.

Please.

Would thou, Sidney Ambrose Turner, have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live

together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Would thou

her, comfort her, honour her, and keep her in sickness and in health, and for

taking all others, keep thee only unto her, so long as you both shall live?

Speak up, Mr. Turner.

I do.

Thank you.

Will you, Ramona Barclay, have this man to thy wedded husband to live together

after God's order? Don't bother with all that. I do.

Oh, very well. The ring, please. The ring, yes.

There you are, Reverend.

Please sit on the third finger.

Now you sit.

Repeat after me. With this ring I thee wed. With my body I thee worship.

With all my worldly goods I thee endow. I now pronounce you man and wife. You

may kiss the bride.

After you.

Well, do hurry up.

Your little bride is waiting for you.

Now what are you doing?

I'm looking for my cigarettes.

Oh, they're in here.

Eh? Oh.

Thank you. I want you to have a drag for a tune.

Sidney, are you nervous?

No, no. Well, why have you just lit the filter, Tim?

Can't you pay any price?

I'm not really tired. I'll just read the paper.

We've got no paper.

Oh? Well, I'll go get one.

Sidney, I do believe you're shy.

That's it.

That's it, I am. I'm shy.

Shouldn't we have separate rooms?

Oh, don't be silly, dear. Come on, get into bed.

Sidney!

Aren't you going to take off that... Horrible dressing gown. No, well, I get

cold in bed.

Oh, well, I'll soon warm you up, dear.

Oh. Oh, Sidney.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

It's Sidney. Help. Help.

Somebody help.

Help.

Help. Help.

Help. Wake up, Sid.

Where are we? You're in church, of course. What do you think?

Hasn't it happened yet? I think it's happened so far as you've not enough.

I had a shocking nightmare.

I can't go through with it.

It's too late now.

Here comes the bride.

And here goes the groom.