Original subtitles

Huh? Huh?

18,

19, 20. Yeah, I've been around a boy. All I want for game is ball.

You concede defeat?

No, of course not.

Game isn't over till it's won, isn't it?

What am I on, Sid?

Two. Two.

Right, here we go. Hang on.

He's chucking again. Take cover.

It's only for all that, Sid. Oh, yes, it is, mate. When you're throwing, the

only safe place is the dartboard.

We're not all Robin Hoods. You're quite right. When you chuck, it looks like

Maid Marian.

Right, all right?

I'm sorry.

Go on, then.

Here we go, then.

Get your foot back.

Which is the line, then?

Right, here we go.

Double D as Ed.

Sorry about that, Tom. I'll get him down later.

Yeah, I hope so. You got through four sets tonight.

Just relax. You're chucking like a maniac. That's a dart, not a javelin.

I'm left -handed, Sid. Get the right stance. Get your elbow in the kit. Right

shoulder forward. Talk your head over. That's it. Yeah.

Right.

Where did that one go?

Sorry about that, Tom.

It was a ricochet. Stand by. Let the master have a go. Eyes down for the

arrow. There we are. Right. Two arms. Pickle pipe.

Evening, all.

Hello, it's Dixon.

Just a joke.

Evening, John.

You would like a drink on duty?

Certainly not, sir. It is an offence for any police officer to partake of

alcoholic beverages whilst in the course of business.

Oh, what a pity.

We'll ask you to have a drink, won't we, sir? Thank you very much, sir. I'll

have a whisky.

I thought you were on duty.

Not now I've removed my symbol of authority, sir. Once my cap is on that

top, I am, so to speak, ex -officier.

Cheers. Yeah, cheers.

By the way, sir, I've had a complaint about you.

If it's that bird in the supermarket, it's your own fault.

You shouldn't have stood under that sign, tried today's special offer.

It's Mr. Barkley, Lane Inn Farm. Oh, him, the Michael Caine of Fletchley.

What's he on about now? Well, apparently last Saturday you were in your top

meadow muck spreading.

Since when has that been a criminal offence? It isn't, sir, but Mr. Barkley

happened to be holding a barbecue and the pong permeated into his patio.

What a shame. Probably improved it. He gets on my wick. Yeah, and that goes for

my wick as well. Now, now, sir, we don't want any feuding in Fletchley. I don't

know what you've got against Mr. Barclay. He's efficient, wealthy, and

successful. Well, there's three things for a start.

It's his attitude I don't like. He looks at us as though we're inferior.

Compared to Mr.

Barclay, sir, you are inferior.

Well, there's no need to keep reminding us, is there?

Do you know what I hate about him, Sid?

He's patronising. That's right, he's... If he comes in here and calls us city

slickers again, he'll get a bunch of fives. Yeah.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Good evening, Mr. Barclay. Good evening, Mr.

Barclay. Good evening, Mr. Barclay. That must be Mr.

Barclay.

How's the city flickers?

Here we are, Mr.

Barclay. Thank you, Tom.

Still being licensed by the water board?

Very good, Mr.

Barclay. How about everybody?

Delirious. You have a drink while your hat's off?

Thank you very much. I'll have the same again. Thank you.

And how about our two aliens?

Aliens? We happen to come from London, mate, not another planet.

As far as we're concerned, London is another planet.

What makes us so different, just because we come from a big city?

You're in the country, men are men, not pansies.

You'll finish up with a blooming knuckle sandwich, you will.

Mr. Turner, we don't want to breach into the peace now.

A present company always accepted, of course. Two pints for our friends.

Oh, I do beg your pardon. It's halves for the townies.

It'll be pints for the townies. Steady on. We don't want to have to carry you

home.

You don't know who you're talking to, do you, mate?

I can hold my liquor. You're talking to the seven times champion pub crawler

from Putney.

Hollow legs Turner, they used to call him.

There's drinking and drinking.

I'll drink you out of the table any time, mate. Now, that's a very rash

statement. I'll show you how rash it is. Put your money up. Are you challenging

me to a drinking contest?

How much?

Half a dollar.

Are you sure you can afford it?

All right, then. What do you do like?

A fiver.

Fiver? Yeah, here's to it. Just a minute.

Hollow legs, come on. Excellent.

There's just one thing. We won't be using ladies' glottis.

Oh, I don't care. Use anything you like. Come on. Very well.

Tom.

How many's that?

Number four for Mr. Turner.

you give in?

I beg your pardon?

Do you deceive confit?

So,

number

five for Mr. Bartley. Have you had enough?

Certainly not.

Don't look now, Sid, but I think your hollow legs are a watch.

There was nothing in that either. That's the one he just gave me.

I thought it was a smooth drink.

Here you are, Mr. Turner.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I think you've had it, Mr. Turner.

Don't you believe it, mate?

Give him a hand, Sid. Oh, come on. It's all right.

I did it!

There you are, Fanny. Come on, love. Have your breakfast.

There's a good girl.

Oh, good morning to you.

How are you feeling?

If I can just get over the next month, I'll be all right. I wouldn't bet on it.

Don't say that word. What word?

Bet. Five nicker up the spout. Yeah, and the rest.

What rest?

Don't you remember?

Last thing I remember is flaking that off to my fifth flagon. No, we brought

round after that. You challenged, what, Raven Mad?

Yeah. You challenged Bartley to darts, dominoes, bar billiards.

How'd I get on? You owe him 20 quid.

20 quid? Yeah.

Why didn't you stop me? I tried to stop you, but you got very abusive.

Did I? Yeah.

Not like me.

Do you know what you said?

You said, keep your six -letter word nose out of it, your Welsh five -letter

word, mind your seven -letter word business, and four -letter word off.

Yes, you did.

And the constable's got it written down as well, and you're going to hear from

him later. That's all I need.

Anybody about?

Oh, it's Super Farmer. Stay on the back.

Good morning, gentlemen.

How's the city flickers this morning? You don't have to shout. We're not deaf.

Oh, dear. A little bit under the weather, are we? I am not under

That's not surprising, really.

We shouldn't expect you townies to be as hardy as us country folk.

Don't do that to me, your favourite. You'd be amazed how hardy I am.

Well, if you don't mind me saying so, Mr Turner, you look absolutely dreadful.

No, he always looks dreadful.

Oh, shut up.

I'm all right. I'm just steady as a rock.

Yes, well, if I... I wouldn't shave till after lunch.

Well, Andy, just a slight tremor, that's all. Tremor? Looks more like an

earthquake.

Well, uh, Mr. Tanner? Yes?

Twenty pounds?

Yes. Well, I was going to have a word with you about that. No, don't tell me

you're going to Welsh on the bet. How dare you? Of course I'm not going to

Welsh. No, I'm glad to hear it. Yeah, so am I. I mean, you want your money and

you're going to get it.

Now,

which one is it?

You've lost your wallet or you haven't been to the bank?

Well, both, as a matter of fact. Now, I'm going to be quite honest with you,

Bartley. That'll make a change.

What I need is a little more time.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I'm a reasonable man.

Of course you are. I'm not after my pound of flesh.

Oh, it's a pity. You've got more chance of getting that than you would the

money.

Why don't you belt up? If time is all you need, Mr. Turner, you've got it. Oh,

thank you very much. I'll give you 24 hours.

Twenty -four, is that all?

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who don't settle their debt.

Make it. I'll be round tomorrow morning with Patana. Yes. Good day to you. Good

day to you.

Well, at least I've got a reprieve.

Reprieve? That's the state of execution, isn't it? Where are you going to get 20

kid from?

How much have you got?

Well, Sid, it's your debt, right? Yes. You know the old saying, neither a

borrower nor a lender be, or as they say in Wales, a nagnawr sach my conhillor

bloud.

What does that mean?

Blow you, Jack. I'm all right.

Thank you very much, friend. I'm not trying to tap you for 20 quid. I just

happen to be a little bit short, that's all.

Oh, well, well.

It's different, isn't it?

How much you short of?

18 pound 10.

18 pound 10?

You've only got five balls.

Oh, that's it.

That means you've got £18 .05 to find. Oh, don't worry. We'll find it in the

boozer tonight. Small game of cards, matey, and I shall be home and dry. Game

cards? With your luck? You're joking!

Don't worry about my luck, matey. With my system. What system? The best one

used. Which one's that?

Cheating.

Are you quite sure you know what to do?

Yeah, I think so.

I stand behind the victim to see what suit he's got leased of, and then you

what to call trumps. Right. Right.

We'll go through the code. Right.

Hearts. Hearts.

I think I've got a touch of heartburn. Good.

Clubs. Clubs.

I'm thinking of joining the local golf club.

Diamonds. Diamonds.

It's my mother's diamond anniversary today. Spades.

Spades.

Farming's very hard work, but we've done most of the spade work.

Great. All we've got to do now is find a mug.

How do you do, gentlemen?

Hello. Mug?

Gaston?

You having a drink?

Oh, allow me to return the compliment, sir.

Three, please, sir. Thank you very much.

Fancy a game of cards?

Oh, why not, sir?

It's seven cards with suture.

Oh, I don't think I'll play with that game, sir. Oh, it's very simple. It's a

bit like bridge. You should pick it up.

Shall we make a five -shilling trick just to keep it interesting?

Why not?

Are you paying for this lot, Cecil? I am. I am, Tom.

Here we go.

What are trumps?

Not for a touch of heartburn, Sid.

Hearts. Don't you have a cup for whoever picks trumps?

Oh, yes.

Thank you very much for reminding me. I didn't forget.

Queen.

King.

Right, what shall we make trumps?

You know, I was thinking of joining the golf club.

Mother, sir?

No, no, no, no. I thought you hadn't played before. That's all.

Right, go on. It's your lead.

What do we lead?

You know, it's my mother's diamond wedding today.

Queen of diamonds.

Take it. Go on. It's yours.

Haven't you got any trump, then?

No. Oh, well, then the rest of mine, sir.

35 shillings, I think.

What does that mean?

You should let me play him a dance.

Morning, Victor.

Morning, Sid.

You're very cheerful this morning. Why not? It's a lovely day.

Yeah, but it's a small matter of opening Barclay 20 quid. Oh, that'll be all

fixed up.

Aye, aye. Are you hatching up a little scheme, then?

You buy that.

I'll bring her in here, will you?

What's this?

Here, that's our fanny. Yes, fanny.

What are you doing with our fanny? This animal's yours?

Yeah. Well, I found your fanny wondering about my patio.

Really? What was she doing there?

She's already done it.

Good old Fanny. Yeah, you've got to excuse us. You've got a touch of the

wanderlust. Yeah, she can't help it. It's her age, you see. Well, I'll be

obliged if you keep your cattle under control. I don't want them mixing with

herd. Oh, yeah? What's so special about yours, cows, then?

Well, they're all pure pedigree freesians. Oh, yes?

What do you think our Fanny is, a sheepdog?

With all due respect, she's hardly royal showstandard. And yours are, I suppose.

Naturally. I suppose your collie won blue -ribboned at Crufts. No, she won it

the English sheepdog trials.

You can't win, Sid. All right. Tell me, what's your highest milk yield?

Bluebell III averages 30 pounds a day.

33 pounds I get from Fanny.

No, it's quality, not quantity, that's important.

Bluebell III has the highest cream content in the country. You should see

Fanny's. It clots as it hits the bucket.

You don't believe me, do you? No, frankly, no.

Yeah, well, I will bet you that my Fanny's milk is creamier than your

Bluebell's. Oh, no, no, Mr. Turner, you already owe me 20 pounds. Double or

nothing. No, no, it wouldn't be fair. Check your knife. See, that's a

thing when it comes to putting his money where his mouth is. Oh, very well, if

you insist on throwing your money away.

I'll go and get a sample for you. Good, and I'll get you one from Fanny.

Oh, my God, he fell for that.

Oh, Sid, how do you know that Fanny's milk is creamier than Bluebell's? I

mate, but it will be when I add the magic ingredient.

What's that?

Four quarts of double cream.

Oh, I don't like it, Sid. You're not doing it, sir. Belt up. Yeah, but, I

you could be fined 200 quid for adulterating milk. Oh, don't be

Who's going to know? Well, I'll pick Eddie Bartley for a start.

You'll never find out. What are you talking about?

And what's this?

That's a sample. You just saw me take it from Fanny.

It's like pure cream. Yes. Well, it's like milking four tubes of toothpaste.

That's amazing.

Well, you'll admit it then. Fanny's won.

Well, we won't know until we get the official results.

Official results?

Oh, yes. This is a job for the Milk Marketing Board. Oh, I don't think

necessary. I do.

I'll take this sample around with mine for analysis. We should know the results

tomorrow. Good day to you.

Well, that's it, then, isn't it?

There's somebody up there who doesn't like me.

200 quid fine, did you say? No, no, cheer up, Sid. They don't always fine

No? No, I read about a chap in a paper this morning had up for adulterating

milk. Yeah? No, he didn't have to pay a penny.

He got away with it? He got six months.

Sid,

it's baguette at Barclay. And Holloway from the milk marketing board. Tell them

I've emigrated.

Tell them I'm dead.

Come in.

Come in.

Morning. Morning.

Sorry about the door.

It was the wind.

Seems to have died down now.

Yes. Mr. Turner in? Mr. Turner?

Yes, Mr. Turner. Mr. Turner. Your partner.

Oh, that Mr. Turner.

Yes, that Mr. Turner. Is he in? No.

Help! Who?

Who is that?

Oh, that's my new farmhand.

How long have you had a farmhand? Not very long.

Oh, a recent acquisition. Yeah, very recent, yes. Who is he?

We may know him. Ah, you wouldn't know him. You wouldn't know old George.

He's not from around his parts.

He's from far, from... from Cornwall.

Well, there's a coincidence.

It is? Yes, I'd pretend to answer myself. I'd like to have a word with the

fellow corncrumbs. You would, yes. Yes, yes.

George?

George? George!

you are, George.

Mr Evans tells me you're a fellow Cornishman.

Arr. I be that.

Arr. What an incredible accent.

Yeah, well, he's travelled about a lot, you see. He's picked up a bit here, a

bit there.

He's picked up a lot, haven't you, George?

Arr. I have that. That I have. Arr.

You like it here in Fletchley, George?

Arr. I do that. That I do. Arr.

When will Mr Turner be back?

Huh? Oh, not for days.

Arr.

Oh, that's a shame, because I wanted to see him about that sample of milk that

he gave me. Or rather, that Mr. Bartley gave me to test.

Oh, I wanted to talk to you about that, Mr. Holloway. But you know, sir, it's

incredible. It had the highest fat content I've ever come across.

You know, Mr. Turner should be congratulated.

Pardon? Pardon?

You mean the milk was all right? Oh, my dear fellow, it was simply fantastic.

Yes, between you and me, the board is so impressed. It's putting on a special

publicity campaign all about Mr. Turner and his remarkable cow.

Get away. Yes.

And we've already arranged an appearance in Farming Today, and then, of course,

there'll be the TV commercials, and then it'll be followed up by a lector

explaining his farming method.

That's a pack of men.

Tell me, Mr. Evans, is that the car in question?

Yes, that's Fanny. Oh, I wonder. Would you mind if I go in and have a look? No,

go ahead, please. Thank you very much. Listen, do you mind if I don't come with

you? I want to have a word with George, you see.

Would you see yourselves out? Not at all.

Nice to meet you, George.

Oh, likewise, Tui.

Good day, Tui.

What am I going to do?

Well, I don't know.

You'll have to go and tell India George the farm man. I can't keep on doing

that. It hurts me throat.

I'll tell you something. If they take a proper sample from Fanny, I've had it.

Well, I know.

Say that Fanny's changed her sex.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

How did she change it?

I'll tell you. All right.

We've got to get rid of the evidence.

Ow!

Come on, mate. Ow!

Yes, come on. Sit in!

Sid, you're not going to have Fanny put down, are you? Oh, don't be stupid. Of

course we're not going to have her put down. She's going to get a touch of

wanderlust. Wanderlust? That's it, Fanny. She's going to get lost.

Come on, Fanny, darling.

Come on.

Come on.

I'm sorry, Fanny, but it's for your own good.

And mine.

You'll be looked after here. You'll be all right. All modcon, Fanny.

Electric milkers. Yes. No icy fingers.

We'll come and see you every now and then. Yeah.

Hey, do you think Mr Chapman and Nookness has got a strange cow?

There's nothing strange about Fanny. No extra one, I mean. No, you'll never see

an extra one among this lot.

Well, that's it, then.

I'm telling you, I feel a lot better. Yeah, you're in the clear now, Sid. Hey,

and you won your bet.

And I won my bet.

Let's go and clean out the couches. Yeah.

All right, Fanny. All right.

Fanny. How did she get here?

She must have followed us home.

Oh, there's a clever little girl here. Oh, shut up. She's not clever at all.

Come on, here we go again.

Come on, Fanny. Come on, darling. Come on in.

Here we are.

I reckon she's part retriever. Yeah, and I'm part homing pigeon.

Yeah, she's going to have a job on this time, mate.

Wait a minute, Tammy. Hang on.

Mr.

Turner really thought his cow was going on television.

Now, Reg Holloway and I managed to keep a straight face, especially at Turner's

impression of a country yokel.

He'll have to get up a lot earlier in the morning to catch Jack Barclay.

Come on, we like a good joke.

You won't like this one.

We've been having you on, Turner.

Reg Holloway and I decided to teach you a lesson.

The milk marketing board know nothing about your cow.

They don't? No.

Then you might as well look like a right couple of idiots. That wasn't

difficult.

I said it. It's a nice thing to do. Yes, almost as bad as you mixing cream with

your milk. Oh, wow.

£40, I think you owe me.

Yeah, well, could you bring the table? General, let me congratulate you.

Don't bother, mate. I know all about it. I don't think you do. I took a sample

of your cow's milk myself this morning just to make absolutely certain you'd

lost your bet.

And yet the results were staggering.

Get away.

Yeah, 4 .8.

Is that good?

Good. Better say it goes, he beats Jack Barkley. Beats? He beats Jack.

And I don't owe you a shilly, ma 'am.

You'll be entering her into the Royal Show. Royal Show? Yes. Of course, you'll

run away with the first prize. And 200 guineas is not to be sniffed at.

200 guineas.

200 guineas. 200 guineas. 200 guineas.

Funny. Funny.

Funny.