Original subtitles

Huh? Oh.

Huh?

Well, how are you feeling, Fanny?

All right, darling, you feeling better? Don't worry, Uncle's here to look after

you. Hello?

Here you are. In here, Victor.

Here you are. See, it's Uncle Victor, back from his wild weekend in Welsh

Hello, boyo.

Who am I?

Sid Turner, I presume.

That's right. Who are you?

Oh, I'm David Llewellyn Evans, Victor's brother.

Oh, you've come back with him, haven't you?

Ah, well, not exactly. I've come back without him.

Pardon?

Ah, well, it's like this, you see. Me and the lad thought when we'd go down

station I'd give the boy a bit of a send -up, you see.

Give him a bit of a send -off, you know.

Well, the train was late, you see, so I had one or two.

Well, to be honest, we had three or four.

Well, we were in the middle of We'll Keep Her Welcome when...

You know, we'll keep a welcome in.

Oh, yeah, it's very good. When somebody shouted out, the train is here, boyo.

Yeah, when there was a pushing and a shoving and before I knew what was

happening, I was on the train waving goodbye to Victor.

I see. So, Victor's still in Merthyr Tydnal? Oh, aye, probably over the

Island by now, so you'll have to put me up for the night.

Oh, it's lovely, that is.

Oh, don't worry, Victor will be here tomorrow.

That's a fat lot of good addies. I've got a sick cow on my hand. Oh, I'll give

you an hand.

Oh, are you a farmer?

No, no, I'm a milkman. But I've got my own horse.

This is going to be good. All right. You want to help? Give her a nightcap.

Nightcap? Yes, I wanted to have this bucket of milk.

That's funny. I was under the impression cows gave us milk.

No, no.

No, this is not just milk, you see. There's a dozen eggs and half a bottle

brandy in there.

Not thinking of entering her for the derby, are you?

No, she's not well, mate. She's just not herself. She's gone right off her hay.

Well, I'm not surprised if you've given her eggs and brandy. She probably won't

look at hay again for the rest of her life.

Just give her the milk. Here we are. Don't argue.

All right, Fanny, darling. If you need me to do it at night, just give us a

quick moo. Good night.

Come on, you old cow. Drink your milk.

There's half a bottle of brandy in here.

It looks good.

Oh, smells good.

Oh, it tastes bloody mild.

Oh, blabber your answer, devil you are.

No wonder the birds got really mad about you.

That reminds me, I must get my shoes repaired.

Well, there we go.

Vitality check.

Vitamin C.

Energy.

Yeah.

I don't know why I bother. I still feel lousy in the morning.

What's this bed doing in here?

To keep the welcome in.

Oh, my God.

It's Lawrence of Arabia.

I can't help it. It's Victor's.

Victor's, is it?

You look a right twit.

Well, haven't you seen Victor in a nightshirt before?

Not a red and white one. You look like a barber's pole.

Ah, well, nightshirts for men are in, boyo.

Isn't it a bit long?

No, no, it's supposed to be long, see?

I can't see your feet. You look like you're gliding about on casters.

Be careful or I'll glide over there and I'll thump you.

Oh, you will. What are you doing in this room?

I'm moving in with you.

You what?

It's all right, Sid. You can take that startled look off your face. I'm not

going all consenting.

You're wasting your time if you have, mate. I'm not fed up with birds yet. Oh.

Now, look, Sid.

I've got a slate loose.

That's true.

In the roof above my bed.

I can see the sky.

Well, I don't know what you're worrying about.

It won't rain tonight.

It's not the rain I'm worried about.

There's a whole family of starlings up there and I don't want to be their

for tonight.

What was that?

What? That was Fanny. I heard her move. No, I didn't hear anything.

We'll leave the window open. I want to make sure I can hear her.

We're downwind from the cow shit, so if she does...

It's marvellous to get your weight off your feet.

It's the plates that cop it.

What do you

want? The night.

Or as you lot say, nus da yucky da.

You watch it, boy.

Don't you take the mick out of my native tongue, you foreign invader.

Just a minute. What are you talking about?

We're in England, mate. You're a foreigner.

Only because you lot knocked off our land. But there'll be changes come the

revolution. I'm a Welsh nationalist.

Home rule for Wales.

Harry Seacombe for king.

Oh, you can scoff, boy, but one of these days you'll wake up to find Wales

revolting. No comment.

We had it all planned for last St. David's Day, when the valleys would echo

the sound of marching feet and the mountains would ring to the land of my

father. The flower of Welsh manhood would rise up shoulder to shoulder to

the English oppressors.

And what happened?

Oh, a carnival playing at home.

What a load of rubbish.

Ah, my brother Victor was right. You are an ignorant pig.

Well, not exactly.

He said you were ignorant.

The pig idea was mine.

Are you listening to me, Leekbont? You're looking for an English boot right

your runder valley.

That's typical of you English oppressors. Oh, no, stop it here.

Oh, God, let's start all that again.

Good night.

What do you want?

I can't sleep with that radio on.

Well, that's your own luck, mate. You're a magnet, aren't you?

It's brutal, too.

You don't say you're going to have that playing for them till two o 'clock, are

you? Of course I am, I'm sure.

Apart from anything else, I'll let you have a guess at getting the mystery

voice.

Well, that's the sound of the Dave Clark Five for you there, and in a few

moments' time, we'll be hearing our mystery voice.

Good. Here we go.

Oh, God. Who can I be this time of night?

Oi! Come on to the phone! Can't hear it.

Put people up. Give them hospitality.

What do you get?

Can't even get up and answer the bloody phone.

All right, all right.

Hello.

Yes, speaking.

P .B .U.?

BBC?

The Mystery Voice?

Oh, yes.

Oh, good. Yes, I'd love to have a go.

Yes.

Sid. Sid. Sid.

You're on the wire. Yes, I know. It's the Mystery Voice.

Yes, hello. How are you being on the radio? Oh, shut up.

No, no, no. Not you. No, I'm talking to somebody else.

Yes, go on. I'm ready.

What, do they play the Mystery Voice through to you on the telephone? No,

be a twit. They play it on the radio. And then you have to... The radio.

Hang on a minute. Just a minute.

When all at once I saw a

crowd, a host of golden daffodils.

Well, there you are, Mr. Turner. Now, who is that?

I don't know. I didn't hear it.

Mr. Turner?

Hello, Mr. Turner. Are you there?

I'm coming. I'm coming down. I'm coming down now. Just a minute.

Come on. Don't go away. I think he's coming down.

Did you hear he come?

No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't let him go, that's it.

Hello? Hello.

Hello, is that Mr Turner? Yes, I'm here. Oh, good, I thought we'd lost you. Well

done, Mr Turner. Who was our mystery voice?

I told you, I didn't hear it, you see. The radio's upstairs, and by the time I

got up there, you'd played it. Well, bad luck, Mr Turner. Get a minute, can't

you play it again?

No, I'm sorry, you've had your turn.

Well, that's not very fair, is it? Well, it's not our fault, Mr Turner.

Well, if that's your attitude, mate, you can take your mystery voice and shove

it right up.

Yes, well, thank you very much indeed. Well, we seem to have run into a little

technical problem there, ladies and gentlemen, and the programme will be

as soon as possible. In the meantime, here's some music for you.

Well, that does it. Now, I'm definitely not buying a licence.

Seriously, that was good. It's the best thing I heard on the radio in years.

No, well, I'll teach you, mate. From now on, it's Luxembourg.

Oh, well, tune in tomorrow, boy. Let's get some sleep now, eh? Yeah, come on.

That's Fanny.

She's taking a turn for the worse. No, she's probably dreaming about a bull.

no, no, she's in pain, mate.

All right, Paddy, don't worry, I'll train away.

I'll go and get change and fetch Miss Wagstaff.

Who's Miss Wagstaff? The vet, you twit.

Anybody in?

Miss Wagstaff. Are you?

Me? No, I'm not Miss Wagstaff. Well, I'm not. I want the vet.

Why, aren't you feeling well?

I demand to see Miss Wagstaff. I suggest you call next door. That's where she

lives. Oh, sorry. Wrong answer. I hope I didn't disturb you. You did.

If I don't get my full quota of sleep, I look terrible in the morning.

Yes? My name's Sid Turner, Clover Farm.

We haven't met, but we talked on the phone.

Oh, yes.

You are the gentleman who wanted me to provide your poultry with fertility

pills. Well, I thought I might be able to lay more eggs.

Quite. Would you mind telling me why you've knocked me up in the middle of

night? Well, one of our cows is feeling dodgy.

Well, how do you know she's feeling dodgy?

Well, she keeps mooing.

What does she do when she doesn't feel dodgy? Bark?

It's a laughing matter. I'm not a fool. I can tell the difference between a

contented moo and a dodgy moo, and her moo is definitely dodgy. She's in a bad

way. We've been right through the vet's encyclopedia, and according to that,

she's got leucosis.

That is a poultry disease.

It may be poultry to you, but it's dead serious to our face.

Poultry, as in hens.

Oh, wow.

Perhaps she caught it from one of the chickens.

Highly improbable. I'll be round in the morning. The morning? Well, you don't

expect me to turn out at this time of night, do you? Why not?

Where's your sense of dedication?

What about your hypocritic oath?

She needs you.

Poor cow.

Look at her.

Look at her with those big brown eyes.

Oh, all right, Mr. Turner. I'll come and see her. I'll go and change.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.

You'd better bring this.

May need it. Oh, allow me.

I couldn't.

Well, the least I can do is carry your medical equipment.

This is my medical equipment.

That. Is my handbag.

Was that her or Fanny?

Fanny?

Mr. Turner.

There is something wrong with her, isn't there? Oh, yes, there isn't. I knew it,

I knew it. You'd better tell us the worst.

It's, uh, as I expected. Yeah, well, you can be perfectly frank with us, Doctor.

Thank you. Well, as I was about to... Because if there's anything wrong with

Fanny, we have got to know. Yes, well, you see, the position... Yeah, well,

don't pull any punches, Doc. I can take it. Mr. Turner. Yes?

Quiet!

Now, as I was about to say... Just a minute. Now, what's the matter?

Don't you think we ought to move away? I mean, we don't want to discuss this in

front of the patient, do we?

Mr. Turner, there's nothing wrong with your cow.

There isn't? Except that she's pregnant.

Pregnant? Nine months.

Any normal farmer would have recognised the symptoms months ago.

Fancy that, eh?

Our fanny's in the club.

Oh, who's been a naughty girl?

a mother. Nine months pregnant, eh? How long is a cow's confinement?

Nine months. Nine months. Yes.

According to my calculations, your fanny could carve... Any minute?

Sid!

Hey, Sid!

Coco up!

Thank you.

How's the expectant mother?

Having a lie down.

That's more than we are.

Oh, stop complaining.

Well, I don't see why I have to sit up all night.

You heard what the vet said. Any minute, she said.

You'd have thought she'd have stayed if it was that close.

Oh, she's probably confining all over the county.

Well, I can't do it on my own. We've both got to stop here just in case Fanny

needs any help. If anybody's going to need any help, it'll be us.

It's quite exciting, really, isn't it?

My first baby.

Sidney, you're the owner, not the father.

Well, I feel like a father.

Oh, and talking of fathers, how did Fanny get into this condition?

Oh, same as a woman, only with a lot more mooing.

Oh, I mean, didn't you know she was expecting?

I mean, didn't you have her mated?

Mated?

Blimey, it's just struck me, you know that?

Last year, we locked the bull belonging to the farmer next door in our cowshed.

That's when she must have been got at.

Yeah. You think we ought to tell him?

Who? The bull.

He is the father.

What do you expect him to do, gallop around you with a bunch of doffs and

cigars?

You ought to show a bit of interest. Blimey, he put her in the club.

Oh, well, that's not the way with bulls, is it? I mean, all they're interested

in is eating, sleeping and mating.

What a marvellous life.

It's just a job for them.

It's just a job for me, mate.

I'll tell you something.

We could learn a lot from animals, you know that?

The world would be a better place if we all behaved like animals.

Now, you take breeding.

Look how we do it. All up as it.

Well, how do you want us to do it, then?

Scientifically.

What do you mean, by numbers?

No, no, no. We have to produce a better species, produce better human beings.

Oh, and how do you propose to do that?

Selective breeding.

Selective breeding?

That's it.

Suppose we want to get a better milker. What do we do? We take our prized dairy

cow and make her with a champion bull, right?

Right. We'll let you do the same with human beings.

Breed them for their job.

You're talking rubbish.

I am not. You take football.

Take football. Suppose you want to produce a better super footballer,

A great ball player with plenty of speed and ball control and enough weight to

help him bustle his way through. What do you do?

I'm the foggiest.

You make Georgie Best with Attie Jakes.

You're talking dust.

Shut up. Go and have your coca.

Oh, you're not going to play that thing all over again, are you? Why not? It

passes the time. Besides, Penny likes a bit of music.

And now, our last chance this evening to guess our...

It's me.

It's me. I'm having another go. All right, I'm coming.

You mind hanging on. I've left my transistor in the cow shed.

Now, wait a minute. I'll tell you what. I'll put on the radiogram. Yes. One

minute. Hang on. Hang on.

Green grass of home.

Tom Jones.

Pardon?

What do you mean you haven't played it yet? Yes. Colourful Radio Luxembourg.

I'm in Luxembourg. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Yeah, that's funny, isn't it?

Would you mind carrying on chatting a bit? I'll have to find you. I've got a

dodgy dial.

Right, are you there, Mr Turner?

Yeah, I've got you. Hang on, I've got you.

Thank heavens for that. Now then, Mr Turner, are you quite sure you're ready?

Yes, yes, carry on, mush. I'm receiving you loud and clear. Right then, for ten

pounds, here once again is the mystery voice. Right.

Demetrius ran out.

and put a shilling in the meter.

Yes. Will you go and play it again? What, again? No, we can't. We definitely

can't. Just a minute, matey. Don't you get shirty with me.

I've got a good mind to report you to your superiors.

And, if necessary, Jimmy Young himself.

It's funny bark. She's started.

It's funny bark.

Fanny's on the way. If you don't belt up, you'll be on the way.

Oh, no, it's you again.

What do you want this time? It's Fanny. She's started. Come on.

Mr. Turner, I'm a vet, not a midwife.

Oh, blimey, come on. There may be complications.

I don't think anything's happened to the first.

It's not your cow's first calf. No, but it's mine.

Oh, all right. I won't be a moment.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, officer.

Do you usually do 50 miles an hour in a built -up area?

I'm sorry, it's an emergency.

What sort of emergency?

Well, it's Fanny. She's pregnant.

Pregnant?

She's pregnant and she's giving birth now.

No more, sir. Follow me.

Have you heard anything?

No. Oh, she's taking a long time. She's probably having quins.

Quins?

Do I get a bounty for that?

Shh!

It's here!

Are you sure you mated her with a bull?

Oh, blimey, I wish she'd out of here.

There's nothing for you to be nervous about. Who's nervous?

I only wanted one.

Oh, shut up.

I can't take much more of this, I'm telling you. I'll never do it again. I'm

going to put Fanny on the pill.

Well?

Mother and child are both doing well.

Oh, congratulations, Daddy!

Oh, yeah, Mother. What is it, boy or a girl?

Neither. It's a bull.

goodness is over. Now we can get some sleep. I don't think you'll get very

sleep tonight.

What do you mean?

Didn't you tell me you'd like to bull in with your cows?

Don't tell me there's another one pregnant.

The whole herd is pregnant.

Good luck.

What a lot of bull.