Original subtitles

Huh? R.

Huh?

R.

Sid!

Sid, your grub's up.

Oh, blimey, am I ready for it.

Excuse me, Hugh.

What are we having?

Bread and cheese.

Cheese. Very gastronomic.

They call it the ploughman's lunch.

Well, the ploughman can have it.

Now, listen, Chief.

Cheese is very good for you.

This one isn't, mate. We've had it since Christmas.

Just a little bit mature, that's all. Mature? It's senile. Here.

I'll have some coffee.

Just over there.

Well, what's on the agenda for this afternoon?

Manure.

Is that a reply or are you being rude?

No, manure.

I'm going to take it down to the meadow when we're ready to start ploughing.

I can't help thinking we're doing things all wrong.

How do you mean?

Well, take a manure, for instance. I mean, we clear it out of the cow shed,

it in the yard, shovel it into wheelbarrows and cart it half a mile

path to spread it on the meadow.

Oh, well, go on.

Look at the manpower we'd save if we taught the cows to do it there in the

place.

Brilliant. I mean, each cow could be responsible for its own patch of meadow.

Sure. We could have heard of Friesians on a pack of copper spaniels.

Well, that could be done.

Then there's the hens. Oh, don't tell me.

I'm going to train the hens to fly over the meadow and have aerial

fertilisation.

I can't even walk, never mind fly.

No, no, I'm talking about our egg yield.

What about it?

Well, we could treble it. I mean, we don't have to concentrate on hens' eggs.

We've got one duck, but she's broody.

Dickie birds.

Pardon?

Dickie birds.

Thrushes, starlings, blackbirds. There's thousands of them flying about, laying

eggs all over the place. Yeah, but you can't eat birds' eggs.

Why not? Eggs are eggs.

And they've all got a white and a shell and a yolk. It's not practical, Sid.

They're too small.

Have you any idea how many birds' eggs it would take to make one omelette?

Thirteen.

How do you know?

You had one last night.

That was made out of birds' eggs?

Yes.

Five thrushes, four starlings.

Two blackbirds, one blue tit and an owl. Oh!

Morning, Edmund.

Oh, morning, Percy.

Here, I've got some letters for you to take down, would you?

A pleasure. Won't be long.

Who are you, Arthur, then?

Prince Philip.

Prince Philip?

Yes. Her Majesty's male.

I feel like a little tickle, I do.

Oh, yes. Her Majesty's male.

Very good, that.

Done. Gas bill.

Telephone account.

Final demand for the rates.

How do you know what they are?

Well, I couldn't help noticing, sir. It's the little windows in the

But you might tell me how much they're for. Save me the trouble of opening

you know.

Well, I'm very sorry, sir, but it's like an occupational hobby. Have you got a

hobby? Only birds.

Birds? Oh, that's very interesting, sir. Now, my favourite is the British grey

wagtail, easily distinguishable by its short beak, long tail and yellow breast.

My favourite's the blonde British raver.

Oh, I don't think I'm familiar with that species.

Well, it's easily distinguishable by the long eyelashes, mini skirt and see

-through blouse.

Oh.

Well, as I say on television, whatever turns you in... On.

Pardon? Whatever turns you on. What does?

I don't know. You started it.

Well, of course, my real hobby, sir, is collecting coins.

Me too. I can never get enough of them.

No, no, no, sir.

Old coins.

Oh, my pride and joy is my bronze Cistercius. In a way. Do you know it's

over £100?

What, an old coin worth over £100?

Well, it isn't just any old coin, sir.

It's a Roman coin. It's got Caesar's head on it. Now, isn't that interesting?

Fascinating.

Hey, Posty.

Here's the lettuce.

Oh, thank you very much. Well, good morning, gentlemen. Come on, Sid, get

cracking. The wheelbarrow's in the yard. You move the manure, I'll repair the

tractor. I've got a better idea. You move the manure.

All right, I won't argue.

But listen, no slacking.

Do I ever slack?

Yes.

you lot just laying.

Come on, Clive.

You're not still repairing that tractor, Sid? You've been under there for hours.

Sid, come on, let's have you.

Sidney! Sid!

Guy been swine.

Hello, Sidney's on the nest again, is he right?

That went right through my head.

Well, there's nothing in between to stop it, is there?

I thought you were repairing that tractor.

I've finished.

Well, will it go now?

Yes. To get a horse to pull it.

What's wrong with it, then? It's knackered.

There's nothing wrong with this. It's not that old.

It's not old. It's older than you are.

If you want a job, do and do it yourself.

I'll soon get it ticking over.

That was a loud tick, wasn't it?

Look, I'm just turning the engine over, Sid. Go on. Better than you did.

Is that the engine, Sid?

Yes. What's the matter with it?

It fell out.

Sid, I think you're right.

It's knackered.

Oh, that's the ploughing up the spout.

No, it is not.

What are you going to do then? Lash a couple of heifers to the front and let

them pull it?

It's up to you and I, Sidney.

You're not blushing me to any plough, mate.

No. Yeah.

You're not seriously suggesting we dig it?

We haven't much choice, sir. We think it won't be that difficult.

Just think of it as one big allotment. No, I'm sorry. We've had it.

Oh, I've got a brilliant idea.

If it's anything to do with spades, forget it. No, no, no.

Listen. If we had a brand new tractor, how long would it take us to plough our

20 acres?

Oh, I don't know.

A couple of days?

A couple of days.

Right.

Come on, Sidney.

Where are you going?

Clover Farm is about to become fully mechanised. Just hang on a minute,

Rockefeller. What are you going to do for money?

Who needs money when I've got brains?

Come on.

She's a beauty, isn't she, Sid?

Yeah, she's a cracker. What shall we do, put her in the car while nobody's

looking? Now, look, for once, Sidney, leave it all to me.

All right, go on.

Shop! Shop!

Good morning, gentlemen. Can I help you? My partner and I are looking for a

tractor. This is our latest model, sir, the T135 Meadowmaster.

T135? Good for ploughing?

My dear sir, with the right attachments, this model will do practically

everything. Plough furrows, dig ditches, plant potatoes, reap crops, harvest

wheat, bale hay.

Really? Does it make tea as well?

Very true, sir.

Well, are you interested in this model, sir?

Yes, yes, yes. Hang on a minute.

How much is this?

Well, sir, with the attachments, it runs out at just over a thousand pounds.

That's not a run, mate. That's a bleeding gallop.

It's the highest value on the market.

Well, sir, we'll take it.

Take it? Yeah. Oh, that makes it unanimous. I'm so glad you both agree.

Well, will you require a higher purchase? Well, I think we ought to...

Cash? Yeah, cash. I think we both agree again. We're getting on splendidly,

aren't we?

Would you accept the cheque? Of course. I'm sure your cheque wouldn't bounce.

Bounce? Go into orbit.

I like that. In orbit. Very contemporary.

I'll just go and get the invoice. Yeah.

I think you've snapped.

Oh, what are you worrying about?

Did you hear how much he wanted? Over a thousand pounds, yes. He means money,

mate, not potatoes. Give it to me.

Well,

here we are. So it's 1 ,150 pounds, eight strings and ninepins. 1 ,150

eight strings. I think we can forget all about the eight and ninepins, sir.

I'd sooner remember the eight and ninepins than pick up the other.

There you go again.

I do like your sense of humour. Yes, I'm very glad about that. You're going to

need one in a minute.

Right then, well, there.

Is something wrong, sir?

No, no, no, we like it very much, but I think we could have a little test drive.

A test drive?

In a tractor?

Well, yeah, why not?

Right, see? A little test drive, eh? Once round the meadow. A little trial

plough. Hey, oh!

Oh, yes!

Oh, definitely.

Well, we don't... Oh, we'll have to go somewhere else. Oh, just a minute. Don't

be too hasty. I mean, how long would you want the test drive for?

Oh, about 20 acres.

Just for a day, that's all?

I don't think so. No? Oh, what a pity.

Does that rule apply to combine harvesters as well?

I don't understand. Well, we can be delivery stock in our farm, won't we,

Sidney? Are we? Yeah, we thought two tractors, three lorries, four combine

harvesters, and a complete set of milk and equipment.

Good heavens, well, under those circumstances, I'd be delighted to let

a test drive. I thought you would. I'll just go make a mention of the deluge.

See what I mean?

Take her out for a day, trial, plough the meadow, return her as NBG.

You've been keeping bad company, haven't you? I know.

You.

She marvellous, Sid, eh? Smash it, ain't she? Yeah.

Well, they'd better get moving. Don't want to waste any plough into that.

Never mind the car, what about the tractor?

We've got three men working on it. Oh, repairing it already?

No, they're working on the estimate.

So, what are we going to tell Laughing Boy at the showrooms?

Look, there's no need to tell him anything, is there? See, once it's

who's to know?

What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve.

Hello, anybody there?

Stand by, it's grieving time.

This clover farm?

Well, it's not long leaked.

Yeah, I thought it might be a little more than... No, a little more than

Yeah, well, we lead a simple life.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

Well, how's the tractor?

The tractor? Yes, the tractor.

Would you like a few eggs?

Did you know?

No, not exactly, no.

No, well... Where is my tractor?

Yeah, well, don't worry about it. Where is my tractor? Well, accidents can

happen. Not to my T -135 meadowmaster. Yes, it can. And it did.

What have you done?

Well, you know your meadowmaster. Yes?

It's mastered its last meadow.

You bloody idiots. I'll pay for this, every penny. I shall report you to the

Ministry of Agriculture.

And fisheries. And fisheries to you, too.

I'll have your rotten wheels fall off.

You've made his day.

What about the ploughing?

I don't know, Sid.

If we could only get this bleeding thing to stop.

250 quid for repairs to a tractor that doesn't even belong to us. I'm sorry,

Sid. Still, as they say, no use crying after spilt milk when the horse has

bolted.

We'll make a start here.

Won't take us long.

You're joking.

Look at it. The big wheat country.

How far are we going to dig?

See that edge over there?

What edge?

That one over there.

Are we going to dig right over there?

Nah, Sidney.

Two more beyond.

You're going potty, aren't you? By the time we get there, the grass will have

grown here again.

There's no use looking at it.

Let's make a start.

Come on, Sid, start digging.

All right.

You've got to be careful, don't you? You might get that spade dirty. I can't

even get it through the grass.

Well, you're not trying.

You've got to put your weight behind it, your back behind it. Watch this.

You'll soon get used to it. I don't want to get used to it. Look, shut up and

start digging. You made a start, right?

Hey, look. I did it.

Yeah?

Go on, get away. Get back.

Look, there's something down that hole.

Crawling about all slimy. What is it?

A worm.

Is that all?

I can't stand worms.

Look at it wriggling away there. You'd wriggle as well if I'd had nearly

off with a spade. How do you know it's a tit?

Well, if it didn't, it's wriggling backwards.

You killed it. That's right.

What do you want to go and do that for? Because you were frightened of it. Well,

you didn't have to kill it. Oh, so it's a soft set. Every time you dig your

spade, you're bound to chop up half a dozen.

Murderer.

Just a minute. Just hang on a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm just warning the worms to work.

Get the spade further in. That's it. Come on.

Put your foot on it. I'll put my foot on you in a minute. Come on. Let's have a

proper regulation spadeful, Sidney. I should have had you put it in the M1.

That's right. Dig.

Is that

deep enough?

You can still see the handle.

A bit more. Dig.

I can't move it.

Put your weight behind.

What? Well, you know our 20 acres?

Well, you see, we can't plough it, so we're digging it, you see?

And the rate we're going, we're going to be digging till Christmas.

So I need your help.

What, we're digging? No, no, no, I'm not putting my back. No, no, it's not

digging. I believe you've got an old Roman coin.

Indeed I have.

I wonder, can I borrow it, eh?

No, I never let it out of my sight. Oh, just for half an hour, come on.

What do you want to borrow it for? Well, it's sort of an incentive scheme, you

know what I mean? All right, thank you very much. You heard the story of the

carrot dangling for the donkey?

Yeah. Well, your coin's going to be the carrot.

And Sid's going to be the donkey, you see.

Aye? And the name of the game is Buried Treasure.

Well, I'm back.

Well done, Sid.

You almost made it before nightfall.

Yes, well, there it is. I got it.

Very nice.

Any danger of you actually digging with it? Stainless steel, that. Seems a pity

to dirty it, doesn't it?

Right, well, here we go.

Isn't it milking time?

Sure. I don't like to keep the girls waiting, you know, especially Fanny.

bit painful for her.

Two hours to milking, yeah? Yes. Well, here we go.

It's me worm warning.

Right.

God, blimey, look at that. It's fantastic, isn't it? See that?

Now, that's what I call a spade. Went through that like a knife through a

button. Surprising.

I've already dug that bit.

Oh, you have. I know about you.

Hello, what's this?

Not another worm, is it?

That's a coin.

A coin? Yeah, foreign or something.

There's some writing on it.

Senator's... Senator's something or other. Let me have a look.

Hey, there's a head on the other side.

Caesar? Pardon?

Nothing, nothing.

Oh, finders keepers, see, ain't they?

Vic, Vic. Hmm?

I've been thinking, why don't we do it turn and turn about?

What do you mean? Well, I mean, you've been at it all day, haven't you?

Let me have a dig. On your own?

Yes, yes.

Oh, I couldn't do that. No, no, I insist.

You insist? Yes, I do. I don't want you to worry about anything. You go and put

your feet up. Well, that's very kind of you, Sid. Listen, I tell you what, if

you get tired, give me a shout. Yes, yes, you just carry on, mate.

I'll just keep going until I find something. Until I'm finished.

Well, thank you. Right. Thank you very much. Pleasure.

Sit down.

What's the matter?

I've got digger's stoop.

Well, I'm not surprised you were out there digging when I went to bed.

Oh, no.

Well,

never mind, Sid.

It's my turn today, eh?

No, I'll carry on.

You stay, you look after the chickens.

Sidney, do you want me to go up there and dig?

No, it's only right I started it, I should finish it.

I quite enjoy it, really.

You enjoy it? Yes. You sure? Yes.

Right. You'd better have a new spade then, hadn't you?

No.

I might as well cut you in, I suppose.

Cut me in? Yeah, I've got a confession to make.

What sort of a confession? Well, I've been a mean, dirty, conniving cheat.

I know that.

Well, there's something you don't know, mate. That coin you found's worth a

hundred nicker.

Never. Yes, we could be worth a fortune out in that field.

Is that why you didn't want me to go up there and dig?

You wanted to keep it all for yourself?

I'm sorry, but...

You're sorry, Sid.

Is it funny?

It's bloody funny, Sid.

Oh, I'm glad you think it's funny, because it was only a joke. Yeah, only a

joke, yeah.

You were out there digging all night.

Yeah,

looking for kinds that weren't there.

It's your sense of humour.

My sense of humour's out there with a blooming skin off me hands. Look at

I've got blisters on me blisters.

It's only a joke.