Original subtitles

15 seconds.

VTR 1660, part 1, take 1.

15 seconds.

Huh?

Mr. Evans?

Mr. Teller?

Mr. Evans?

Mr. Evans!

Oh, is that you, Sid?

Oh, no, it's just I. I'm Carter, milk marketing board. I'm come to inspect

dairy equipment.

Oh, yeah.

We were expecting you.

Oh, good.

Victor Evans.

How do you do? How do you do?

Do you usually sleep in a barrel?

Huh?

No.

Oh, I must have had more than I thought last night.

Give me a hand, help me.

Oh, my

head. Never again.

You've been looking on the wine minute as red, eh? Yeah, and every other

Are the pubs always open all day on market day, then? Oh, yes, they're

folk, you know, farmers.

Well, it's incredible.

I haven't seen drinking like that since our chapel out into Pookelly.

What do you think of market day in Fletchley?

Why is that an agricultural drinking?

Did you manage to get anything?

No, not last night.

But I got a promise for Friday from the bird in the chip shop.

I was referring to the purchase of animal livestock, not your sex life. Oh.

Yeah, we did get something. Let me think. Oh, yeah, we've got a new heifer.

Oh, I'm glad you're increasing your stock.

Where is the heifer?

My partner, Mr. Turner, is looking after it.

Where's Mr. Turner?

That's the point, isn't it?

God, stone me.

Count Dracula, I presume.

You may be right.

I feel more dead than alive.

What are you doing in there?

Suffering from cramp. Would you mind helping me out?

How did you get in there?

That's a very good question.

I don't remember.

Do you remember anything about last night?

I've only just remembered who I am.

Well, it's not very surprising.

He'd had a skimful when he came in here yesterday.

What makes you say that?

Well, in the first place, you came in here with a freezing effort.

And for a second, you ordered it a meat pie and a pint of bitter.

Oh, yes, I remember.

And you said we don't serve cows in here.

That's right.

And that woman misunderstood you and belted her with her handbag, didn't she?

You remember that, then?

Yeah, but the rest of it's a complete block.

Hello.

Where are my shoes?

Somebody's pinched me brown brogues.

Nobody's pinched you brown brogues. You did a deal with old Tom Nelson last

night, don't you remember?

Deal? Yeah, he took a fancy to your brown brogues and you insisted on

footwear. So he's got my shoes?

Yeah. What did I get?

These.

I must have been in a right state. I must have changed my bros for these

cashiered clod of us. And five pounds.

Hang on.

Uh, clogs and five pounds.

Oh, well, it's not so bad if you paid me five pounds as well. No, no, no, no.

You paid him five pounds.

Well, you seem to be quite happy with the arrangement last night.

That's the trouble. I was too happy.

Well, I must have put them on.

Oh, shut up, they're heavy, you know that?

I'd hate to fall in the river with these on.

Oh, Tom, we've just talked to you.

Morning, Dad.

Morning, Sid.

Got your shoes on?

Oh, very nice.

How are the clogs, then?

Oh, they're very good, as long as I don't try to walk.

Yeah, they'll get you stuck inside.

Oh, they're a very sturdy shoe, the clog.

Sturdy?

It's lethal.

One of Nobby Stiles knows about these.

Well, I brought it, Sid.

Brought what?

Don't tell me you've forgotten about our little deal last night. Oh, not another

one. Oh, yeah.

What'd I do this time?

Don't you remember?

No. You exchanged your new effort.

Exchange a new effort? What for?

Will the real Tom Nelson stand up, please?

Come on.

Come on, get out of the way, girls. Go on, up it.

Get in there.

That's it.

You stay there, because I'm going to break the news to Victor.

That's it.

Oh, shut up.

Nag, nag, nag.

You're psychic.

Where did you get those clothes?

I'm breaking them in for Nureyev.

Sorry I asked.

Oh, God.

You got a hangover, Sid?

I have got a bigger hangover than Barbara Windsor in a bikini.

Well, I've got just the thing for you, then.

Here you are.

You try a drop of this, Sidney. What is it? This is an old Welsh tonic.

It's called Druid's Fluid.

I'm not having that. It's green.

Now, go on.

I'll give you new leaps of life, this will. They say they're on two pints of

this. They built Stonehenge. Smells funny, doesn't it? It's not for the

It's for the drinking. Come on, get it down.

Hold your nose. I'm holding my nose. Hold your nose. Close your eyes. Open

mouth. Down it goes.

But they say in Wales you can't drink this unless you name your next of kin.

Come on, stop pulling a face, Sid. We had a good day yesterday, didn't we?

we had a very good day yesterday.

You know that new effer we bought?

Oh, she was a bargain, Sid. Well worth 85 quid.

85 quid we paid? Yeah, every spare penny we had. Now cheer up, Sid. It's money

well spent, you see. It's an investment for the future.

Do you think we really need a new effer?

Look, we've got to increase our livestock.

Yeah, well, I've been giving us a great deal of very careful consideration, and

I've been thinking about it, and I think we should diversify.

Go in for all kinds of other animals.

Oh, we will?

Yes, like a goat.

Oh, we could do with another sheep.

Or a goat.

Some more hens. Or a goat. Perhaps a couple of pigs.

Perhaps a goat.

And we'd certainly need a new cart horse.

What about a goat?

Are you mad you couldn't get a goat to pull that big cart?

Here. Can't sit around you. Where are you going?

I'm going to inspect the new heifer. Well, you can't, actually.

Can't? Has that druid's fluid gone to your head or something? Vic, would you

that you and me are very good friends, would you?

How much?

I don't want anything. I've just got a confession to make, you see.

What have you been up to now?

This is the funniest thing.

Yes,

it is.

Oh, no, it isn't kidding.

Yes, yes, go on.

Well, it happened last night, you see. Yes, what happened?

Well, as you know, I'd had a few.

Yes, should we say pints or barrels? Well, it doesn't really matter how much,

but I was a bit hazy. Hazy? Yes. We could say paralytic and leave it at

Paralytic. My mind was definitely paralysed, and I just was of unsound

that's when it happened. What happened?

Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Well, come on, you're making hard

of it, Sid.

Have a look in there.

Michelle? Yeah, go on.

Sidney? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a dirty great goat in there.

Yeah, I bet you're wondering what it's doing in there.

I know what it's doing in there, Sidney.

This is what it's doing in there.

Yeah, well, it's a nice little goat, isn't it? Yes, if you like goats.

Whose is it?

Ours.

Ours?

Can't be ours. It's ours, yes.

Change the heifer for it.

That's very good, Sid.

Very good.

Tell me it isn't true.

I'll tell you it isn't, but it is.

Of all the ignorant, stupid, illiterate, drunken, irresponsible...

Wait,

don't do something you're going to regret.

I won't regret it, Sidney.

The abolished capital punishment, you know. No, no. You yourself said I was

paralytic and I didn't know what I was doing. Yes, you're more than paralytic

with whom I finished with you. Now, then, who do you make this swap with?

Tom Nelson.

Oh, well, you find old Tom Nelson and you make a re -swap. I can't. He won't

even give me the shoes back, never mind about the heifer.

Well, that's marvellous, isn't it?

Ha, ha, ha.

Eighty -five quid on the clock.

Well, I mean, it's not really up to spout, is it? You know, I mean, we've

got the goat, don't we? I mean, we could sell the milk.

Knowing you, Sidney, that is probably a billy goat.

Well, if it is, he's got something very funny hanging down.

That is his beard.

Oh.

Oh.

Anyway, I think we'll just have to hang on a bit till we get our new effort.

Oh, no, we won't.

Because I'm going to the market today, and I'm going to buy another.

I thought we had no more money.

I'll trade in one of our cows.

What are you talking about? We're farmers, not second -hand cattle. You

trade in cows.

Of course you do.

Oh, yes, second -hand heifer in Goodnick, only done 18 ,000 gallons.

Well, for your information, you ignoramus, that's exactly what you do.

Yes. Once a cow's milk yield decreases over a certain period, you train it for

young heifer, and that is what I am going to do.

And that is what you are not going to do. You are not trading in one of my

Your cows?

They're our cows.

I look after those cows, and they are personal friends of mine.

And you are not going to get rid of one just because it happens to be getting on

a bit. Sidney, we are not running a home for old cows.

For once in your life, be practical.

Those cows are staying right where they are.

All right.

Right. Right. Right. All right.

We forget all about it, huh?

Forget it. Forget it. 85 quid. Forget it. Just forget it, huh?

We do not fall.

There's work to be done, Sidney. Work? Yes, work.

Sometimes I think that's the only four -letter word you don't know.

Eh?

And I think some of your personal friends are out there waiting to be

your cow shed's waiting to be cleaned, the pigsty's polished, and the stable's

shined.

Is that all?

You sure wouldn't like me to shampoo the sheep?

What are you going to do?

I might boil myself an egg.

Well, mind you don't tire yourself out, won't you? Sidney, after what you've

done today, you get out there and finish that work.

Because I'll be out there in a minute and inspect it.

Move!

I think I committed a blimmin' crime or something.

After all, I am a blimmin' terrorist.

Come on, Billy.

Come on.

Come on, he doesn't appreciate us at all.

Come on.

Oh, that lazy layabout is sneaking a crafty little smoke, is he?

Well, let's see then.

Yes, let's just see, eh?

Shall we have a little, a little walk?

Yes, I think we will.

We will indeed.

Stand by for heavy showers.

Hey, turn it off. What's going on?

Hey!

What's going on?

try it all, sir. Yeah, no thanks to you.

I tell you it wasn't my fault. Yeah, so you keep saying.

What's the matter?

You got a sore throat?

No. Trying to shift the taste of this diabolical stuff Vic gave me. Ah.

Good Lord.

What's the matter?

Your tongue.

It's green.

Is it?

It is.

This is blooming Jewish fluid.

God only knows what it's doing to my stomach. Where is it?

Oh, your partner? Yeah. He's gone to the market. Market?

Yeah, he's taken one of your heifers to the cattle auction.

Cattle auction?

That's right. Which heifer did he take?

The black and white Friesian.

Fanny? Yes, Richard.

Poor old cow.

I hope she gets a good home.

Home? Yes, she's going on her next farm.

Your heifer hasn't gone to a farm. Where's she gone to? Gone to the

slaughterhouse.

Slaughterhouse? For rissoles.

Over my dead body.

Hey, what are we stopping for? I thought you were in a hurry to stop your heifer

being sold.

One minute, matey. Yeah, where are you going?

I have just had about six quarts of lemonade to try and shift the taste of

druid's fluid.

Now, where do you think I'm going?

Hey, you can't park here. You're on a yellow line, and the police in Fletchley

are pretty keen.

about the cops, matey. They've all got their price. Half a quid and they forget

anything.

What a model citizen.

Good afternoon, sir.

Good afternoon, officer.

You driving this car, sir?

Well, hardly from this position.

Who is the driver, sir?

Mr. Turner.

Oh, yes. I've met him.

Do they usually park on the yellow line in London?

Yeah, well, he won't be a minute. He's just gone to the... Good afternoon,

officer. Good afternoon, sir.

Are you aware that you're illegally parked?

Oh, I'm very sorry. I hadn't noticed.

Could I see your driving licence, please? Yes, why not?

There's a Tim Bob note in here, sir.

Is there really?

I wonder how that got there.

I wonder.

Your insurance certificate, sir. Yes.

There's another ten shilling note in here, sir.

Give it away.

Logbook? Yes, yes, hang on.

Well, well.

The jackpot.

Very good.

You leave your money all over the place, don't you, sir? Yes, I'm very careless

with it. Well, it's only money, isn't it?

Shall we forget the old thing, then?

I'm sorry, sir.

I've got to stop Victor selling fanny.

I beg your pardon, sir?

Well, Victor is selling fanny because I bought nanny.

You're not white slavers, are you?

Look, Caswell, let me explain.

Fanny's a Friesian and nanny's a...

Thank you very much. Oh, I see it all now. Quite plain.

Blow into that.

What for?

Don't argue. Blow.

If you think I'm drunk, mate, you're dead wrong. All I've had today is

fluid.

Well, in that case, sir, you've got nothing to worry about. Blow.

All right, I'll blow.

You're going to regret this, matey.

I know a few people lie up, you know that?

Before you know it, I'll be pounding a beat again, you will.

I am pounding the beat again, sir.

And I have to tell you that that bag must be inflated in one breath in not

than ten and not more than twenty seconds.

One, two, three, four, five...

Good Lord!

What's the matter?

Crystal's gone green?

The old bloody bag's gone green.

Hello? Conservative Club?

Could I speak to Dr. Molyneux, please?

Thank you.

Hello. That's you, Brian.

Brian, I wonder if you could get down to the station. Only we've got a right

Bobby Dazzler here.

Yes.

Talk about checking to see how much alcohol he's got in his blood. I think

be easy to check how much blood he's got in his alcohol.

No, he won't take the blood test, so I'm giving him the other one.

Right.

Any luck, sir?

No.

Sir, you're not really trying.

Of course I'm trying. I'm doing my best.

I told you I'd had nothing to drink.

Oh, we don't know that, do we, until we make the test. And we can't make the

test until we get a sample, and we can't get a sample of gin. Yes, yes, yes, all

right.

I'm sorry, but you can't get blood out of a stone.

It's not your blood we're after.

You know what I mean.

You can have the blood test if you want to.

You're getting none of my blood, matey.

Well, at the moment, we're not getting anything at all, are we?

Well, I keep telling you, Donald, I had already been.

It's not a tap, you know.

That's the point.

Would you like me to run a little bit of water in the basin? It might encourage

you a bit.

No, thank you.

Well, shall I whistle?

Don't bother.

Well, I wish you'd hurry up, sir, only the wife's got the dinner on.

Trouble is, you're too tense. Try and relax a bit.

I nearly did it, then. Why don't you step up?

Well, I'll keep quiet if it'll help, yes.

Thank you.

Officer? Yes, sir?

Got a match?

Nice to see you.

Right,

Constable, roll your sleeve up.

No, it's not me.

It's the other fellow.

The other fellow?

I'm sure there was only one of you when I came in here.

Ah, there you are. Roll your sleeve up. Get away from me, you vampire.

No, let me... Feigning to comply... of the test is taken to be an admission of

guilt. I keep telling you I am not guilty.

No, it won't hurt.

Hold his arm, officer. Just a minute. Hang on a minute.

You've been drinking.

Officer, I'm surprised at you drinking on duty. Not him, you!

How did you get here?

By car.

That's nice, isn't it? The police doctor, look at that.

I demand you give him a breathalyser right away. It is a drunken driver, if

I show one. You don't understand, sir. You see, I don't drive myself.

My wife drives me everywhere.

Yeah, but I still don't think I make that... There you are, darling.

Your little tiggy -winkle's getting very thirsty out there.

If you'd made it a couple of quid, we wouldn't have had all this trouble in

first place.

Thank you.

Ah, Mr...

Thank heavens.

I found you. Mr Carter, have a drink. No, no, no, thank you. I've come to warn

you about Mr Turner.

What's the matter?

I've left him at the police station. He's very upset about you selling one of

his peppers.

Police station?

Is he having me arrested? No, no, no. He's just been cleared on a drunken

driving charge. But he's asked the constable to stand by to charge him with

justifiable manslaughter.

Justifiable manslaughter?

He sounds in a bad way.

I'd better go before he comes. I haven't been in, all right?

Sure.

Murderer. No, no. Be reasonable, Sid.

You've got a blimmin' cheat telling me to be reasonable after what you're doing

to my fanny. Ah, you just... You're too sentimental, Sidney. Cows aren't pets.

I mean, they're kept for milk, calves, meat, aren't they? Well, it's inhuman.

You don't complain when you have a bit of steak, do you?

Well, that's different. I don't know who it is, do I?

I tell you something, it won't happen anymore, because for all I know, it

be a chunk of my fanny line on that plate.

I'll get it back, don't you worry. How can you get it back? You haven't got the

money. I'll find the money, maybe. Oh, Sid, come on, relax, eh? Look, I tell

what... Have a little drink on me, right? On you? Yeah. Judas.

Well, I suppose it makes a change from water.

Hello, Sid.

You're back, then? Yes.

So's Fanny. You managed to buy her back, then? Oh, yes. She's in the barn.

I don't understand. Where did you get the money from?

I sold our car.

Oh, I see.

You sold what?

That clapped -out old Morris.

That clapped -out old Morris is worth 250 quid. Enough to buy half a dozen

That's right. Come on.

There's your Uncle Victor.

There she is, this bunny.

Lulu.

Dusty. Hello, Evie.

And that's Sandy.