Original subtitles

Roses are blooming in Pontypridd.

Mr Evans.

Yes? Bromley Jones, Hollyback Farm.

I'm your neighbour.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Let's not stand on ceremony.

Look, my name's Victor. Can I call you Bromley? Well, my Christian name is

Gerald. I'm hyphenated. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Not at all.

I was just on my way to the village. I just thought I'd call in and make

contact. Ah, that's very neighbourly of you. That's very nice of you. Look,

while you're here, would you mind holding the end of that sheet, you see?

Because I've got a rusty ring here and it's a bit tricky. Just hold the end

there. Thank you very much. I just managed to get it.

Oh!

Would you mind going into reverse?

I beg your pardon?

You have just mangled my Macintosh.

I'm terribly sorry. Not at all. It's perfectly all right.

As a matter of fact, I'm rather in a hurry. I hope you don't mind my

it, but some of your fences are badly in need of repair.

Well, we haven't got time to do it yet. Yes, but your cows keep wandering

through and cropping my kale.

They don't?

Yes, well, it's got to be stopped.

Isn't it good for them?

It's not your cows I'm worried about. It's my kale.

Oh, I see. Oh, well, don't you worry about that. We'll have those fences

repaired today, eh? Well, it's very good of you to be so cooperative.

No reason to be otherwise. After all, we are neighbours.

I say, I wonder if you'd like to come in this afternoon for a drink?

Oh, that's very kind of you. Then you can meet my partner, Sid. Oh, yes, yes,

indeed. You're setting in all right? Yes, a lot of work to do on the farm,

though, isn't it?

It's amazing how quickly one picks things up.

And Sid has a wonderful way with animals.

You silly cow.

Go on.

Go on, mush.

Go back, you daft

thing. Go on.

Finish your breakfast.

I got a bird out there.

A what?

A bird.

Have you? Yeah, she's been following me around all the morning.

Why don't you stand here, Oscar, in? What, with you? Yeah, I wouldn't dream

it. All right, if you want, I will.

Come in, darling.

She's gone.

It's a duck.

Well done, Sidney, you're learning.

Is that the bird that's been following you about?

Yeah.

Something uncommon for that species to become attached to human beings, you

I think that's what happens.

I think she's fallen in love with me.

Congratulations. I hope you'll both be very happy.

She's very pretty, isn't she?

I wouldn't know, not being a devil.

She knows we're talking about her.

Don't you, Anna?

Anna the Aylesbury.

That's right, isn't it, Anna?

Oh, bloody, when you finish courting, would you mind getting some bread?

Bloody Anna.

With a bit of luck, you're going to get three slices out of that loaf. You stop

complaining. This is a farmhouse breakfast, not tea at the Dorchester.

Here you are, Anna. Here we are.

Oh, she's having breakfast with us, is she?

Yeah, why not?

It's not doing any harm.

You just pretend she's not here, OK?

What are we having?

Boiled eggs.

Watch your language.

Don't say that word in front of Anna.

What word?

E -G -G -S.

E -G -G -S? Oh, eggs.

Oh, you're upsetting her again.

Now, you say you didn't mean it.

You tell her you didn't mean it.

Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

Well, it's only natural, is it? I mean, after all, an EGG is a sort of relation,

like a cousin or something.

Yeah, but I wasn't going to have a duck EGG. I was going to have an N EGG.

Well, they're all EGGSs, aren't they? And they're all one big family and all

that. They're our feathered friends.

Well, your feathered friend can fly off.

You keep your beak shut. Otherwise, not only will I have a boiled EGG for

breakfast, but for dinner I will have a roast D -U -C -K.

I think she's learning the spell.

Get her out of here. Go on. Get her out of here. Come on, Anna. You've got to

go. Come on, Anna. Come on, Anna. Go on.

I'll see you later.

Yes.

Victor will come and see you later.

Quack, quack.

Bye -bye.

Thank you, Percy Edwards.

Silly, I suppose, isn't it?

A duck falling in love with a fella. Well, you're encouraging her, blimey. I

mean, you're just as bad as she is.

Anna, why don't you give a duck a name?

Stupid. It's not only stupid, it's childish.

All right, so it's stupid and childish.

Hey, we had another visitor this morning. Oh, yes. Our next -door

Bromley Hayford -Jones.

Oh. Yes, I've asked him for a drink this afternoon.

What's he want? He wants us to repair our hedges. He said that our cows are

straying into his fields.

Well, what's gone into it, by the way?

Well, I think it's his responsibility.

And it's ours, too, you know. After all, we want to keep in with him. He's got

all that fantastic modern machinery.

Might want to borrow something one day.

That's true.

That mangle of ours is in a shocking state.

You know, when I think about that man with his dairy head of 500, it makes our

12 look a bit sick.

11th. 11th? Yes. We've got trouble with one of our milkers.

Oh. Which one?

The black and white one. Fanny.

Fanny? Yeah, Fanny the Friesian.

You mean, you give cows names?

Yeah, well, it helps me to tell them apart.

Yeah, of course it does.

What's Fanny been up to, then?

She's gone on strike.

Gone on strike?

She's run out of milk.

Ah, she's gone dry.

Ah, that's it.

How do we fill her up again?

Easy. According to the farmer's handbook, chapter three, cowmanship, She

be served.

You mean we've got to bring the grass to her?

Not served with food, just served.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, look. Put it this way, Sid. I mean, after all, why does a cow give milk?

So we can all drink a pint of milk each day.

Oh, good.

Yes, but primarily the milk is for her calf, you see.

And after she has a calf, she gives milk for a certain period. And then she

stops until she has another calf.

Oh, I get it.

Do you mean we've got to put Fanny in the club?

The correct term, Sidney, is she has to be served.

Well, we're out of luck.

What do you mean we're out of luck? Well, I may not know as much about

as you do, mate.

But I do know one thing. The cow can't do it on her own.

And we haven't got a bull.

We don't need a bull.

We sent for a man from the ministry.

of government aid, but that's ridiculous.

Look, it's all part of the service. There's a fellow that covers this area

nothing else.

He's going to earn his pension.

Over two -thirds of our cows are bred by AI.

AI? Artificial insemination.

Well, there's going to be nothing artificial for our family. She gets the

thing or nothing.

Don't be old -fashioned.

Farming's a science now. There's nothing to it. It's just like having an

inoculation.

A man comes round, whips out his syringe, one quick jab and it's over.

Well, I think it's very unfair.

Unfair to who?

To the poor old cow.

I mean, there's our Fanny all in a hot flush, trembling all over, waiting for a

great glossy bull to make passionate love to her.

And what does she get?

Some bowler at her book shoving a hypodermic up her throat.

Sidney, you cannot stop progress.

It's not progress. It's unnatural.

I mean, it's not only the cows you've got to think of. What about the bulls?

I mean, go on. Blimey, they're all going to be redundant.

Do you realise that we're going to have hundreds of thousands of snorting,

stamping, rampaging, galloping bulls all over the place?

What are you getting so worked up about?

My fanny! That's what I'm getting...

She's entitled to a bit of pleasure the same as anybody. I'll tell you

something. If it was your duck, it would be different, wouldn't it? Yeah, but

ducks aren't bred by artificial insemination. Well, there you are. It's

discrimination against cows.

If your fanny can have a bit of fun, so can my fanny. All right, yeah, but look.

There's no use you getting worked up about it because fanny's going to be

by a man from the ministry.

Well, I hope she tramples in these test tubes.

What?

Why we're on about cows?

That manure heap's gone a bit high.

Tell him he can spell it for miles.

No, no, no, no. No, not high.

High, high.

Oh, yeah.

What are we going to do about it? We've got to shift it, haven't we?

Shift it? Yeah. Oh, God, Blimey, there's a lovely job in it, shifting manure.

I mean, you think in the scientific age they'd have better things than that? I

mean, they've got artificial insemination, automatic feeding.

Why can't they have cow sheds with flushing loos?

You only put a face in.

That's going to be shifted and we're going to get right down to it after

breakfast. Oh, my God.

I've got it.

There we are.

Here you go.

Once a minute.

Two 12 -minute eggs.

12 minutes?

Yeah. Will you carve or shall I?

Here, turn it up.

Right, that's enough, Sid.

You look like the Lone Ranger.

How can a big cotton handkerchief keep the smell out? This one can. It's soaked

in aftershave.

I haven't, it's yours.

Look, Sid, I hid that amongst my handkerchief.

That's where I found it.

What are we going to do with this lot? I'll dump it in the fields.

Right, I'll do that.

Here, don't forget our neighbour's coming for a drink.

Do you want to drive that thing?

There is nothing built that I can't drive.

Starter's over there.

I can manage.

Okay, well, I'll see you up, right?

Who am I moving your trailer?

It's blocking my way. Yeah, as soon as I'm ready.

Well, hurry up.

It's a mush.

I think so.

Mush. You can go and toot in your own till your headlights fall off. I'm not

moving the sink till I'm ready.

Present.

Lord Muck.

Very smart, Sid.

You know you look like Harvey Smith.

I feel like Mr. Softy.

Are you quite sure they wear this, Clubber? Yes, of course they do.

I want to go look through country life. We all get ponced up like this.

What's that?

This? Well, this is for our guest, you see. I bought it in the village.

Medium dry sherry.

Juice of a thousand sun -kissed grapes in every bottle.

Matured seven years in the wood.

Well, I'm a wheel, actually. How much was that?

Eight and eleven.

I'll have a brown ale.

Listen, Sid, when he comes, give him a bit of the old flannel, all right?

Because, I mean, he's in a position to do a bit of good. He's the chairman of

the farmers' union, member of the hunt, local JP, all that, you know. Don't

worry, mate. I'm the king of flannel.

Yeah. Tell him about that bit of bother you had this morning with the manure.

Yeah, that should give him a laugh.

Hello, Gerald.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

to introduce my partner, Sidney.

Yes.

Something the matter, Sid?

No, no, everything's top -old, thank you.

Well, how do you do? How do you do?

Haven't I met you before?

No, no, no, you haven't.

Why are you talking like that, Sidney? Are those jumpers too tight for you?

Well, I think I'd better be off and do some work. Now, come, come, Sidney.

You can spend half an hour to be sociable.

Settling in all right? Yes, a lot of work to do on the farm, of course, as

know. I was mixing up sheep dip this morning. Oh, sorry.

Would you like a drink?

Well, thank you.

I think it's a little early in the day for sheep dip.

No, I've got some sherry.

Oh, very kind of you, yes.

Been riding?

No.

Going riding?

No.

There we are.

Thank you.

And a jolly old chin -chin to you. Cheers.

Do you like it?

It's unusual.

I think we'd have been better off with a sheep dip.

I'm quite sure I have seen you before somewhere. No, no, no, you haven't.

I say, and I know Sidney, tell Gerald that funny story about what happened

morning.

He doesn't want to know.

Yes, he does. Don't you, Gerald?

Yes, I like a good story.

He won't like this one.

Why, is it funny? Not any more.

You see, what happened was... Shall we have another drink?

Oh. Well, all right. I'll just top it up, shall I? Oh, thank you. Yes, of

course. Oh, by the way, one of your fiends has wandered into my field again.

I've locked her up in one of my loose boxes. Dare you care to come and collect

her some time? Oh, yes, of course. Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.

And don't you worry about the expenses, because... Sidney is going to repair

them this afternoon.

Yes, standard, yes. Well, now, here we are.

Oh,

well, where were we? Well, you were about to tell me some story.

Oh, yes, yes, you laugh.

He won't.

You see, what happened was this. Sid had a bit of trouble this morning with the

tip -up, and he pulled the wrong lever and spilt the whole lot over some toppy

-nosed twit in a classy car.

think that's funny?

No, I do not.

Why not?

He was the toffee -nosed twit.

I knew I'd seen you somewhere before.

The manure maniac.

Now look here, Moshe, it was just as much your fault as it was mine. I have

intention of banding words with an uncouth lout. And furthermore, unless

repair those fences forthwith, your Frisian remains where she is, locked up

my store.

And not only that, you will be charged for the upkeep.

Good day.

Oh, you clobbered that, didn't you? Oh, blimey, you didn't help.

We'll have to repair those fences, won't we? He is not going to dictate to us.

I'll ask him to get our cow back. Call himself a gentleman farmer. He's nothing

but a rustler.

He's not going to get away with it.

Well, how can we stop him?

Took a play at that game. What game?

We'll rustle her back.

Have you cased the joint? Yes. They've put all the lights out. We give them ten

minutes to nod off, and then it's Operation Cowcatcher.

He's not going to pinch our fanny and get away with it.

Sid, I think you've got quite fond of that old Frisian.

Yeah, well, she's not a bad old cow.

You know something? We can earn a lot from cows.

You mean like chewing the cud?

No, no, no.

I mean, if people were more like cows, the world would be a better place.

What are you talking about?

Well, what colour is fanny?

Well, she's black and white. Right. Now, for a start, there would be no colour

bar, right?

I don't follow your reasoning.

Well, she's black and white all over at the same time, isn't she?

Yeah, so? Well, if we were black and white all over at the same time, there'd

no problem.

I mean, if one half of you was black, there'd be no discrimination at all. I

mean, you couldn't go to a hotel and expect them to say, I'm only serving

arm today.

Or go to a golf club and have them say, right legs only.

You're right, Sid.

You know what we need?

Pie bowl people.

Right, you ready?

Of course I'm ready.

Put this on.

Here we are.

What's all that then?

Shoe polish.

Shoe polish?

You can look at my shoes at this time of night.

It's not for your shoes, it's for your face, you fool.

My face?

Yes, it's camouflage.

Oh, come on, see, we're only going to the field next door. We're not going to

start an invasion.

Shut up and back up.

All right, if it makes you happy.

It's like being in the army, yes.

Army? Well, commandos. No, no, I was an ensign to Al Jolson.

Mammy, mammy. Oh, shut up. Come on, come on.

Yeah, keep going.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Oh, good, good evening to you, Constable.

I'd like to say what we owe the honour of your visit here to our humble abode.

Very good.

Can you do Malcolm Muggeridge?

A little joke.

It's very amusing, sir.

Do you mind if I come inside? No, not at all. Come right in.

If you don't mind me asking, sir, why are you blacked up? You're nothing to do

with black power, I hope.

It's a dead simple explanation, really.

What is it?

Well, uh,

well, we get mucky in the field. I'd say, yes.

Then we have an attempt at what? I'd say, yes.

For one moment, I thought you might have been dabbling in the occult.

Oh, we wouldn't do that.

I should hope not, sir. We had enough trouble last year.

What? You mean there's witchcraft around here?

Oh, rampant. Rampant. There must have been 20 in all rampaging about the woods

on Halloween stark naked.

Yes. Anyway, it won't happen again this year. Why's that? We were all in bed for

a week with the flu.

Actually, sir, I've come round to warn you about this cattle stealing.

That's quick. We haven't done it yet.

I'm not suggesting you have, sir, but there have been some cases of cattle

stealing, and so I would ask you to keep your animals well locked up. Oh, we'll

certainly do that, and thank you very much, Constable. Not at all, sir. I like

to look after my farmers, or as I sometimes call them, my flock.

Yes,

I look after them, and they look after me, if you know what I mean.

Yes, I've got a very good idea.

There's nothing like fresh farm produce, I always say. Very wholesome.

Do you keep chickens, sir? Oh, we've got about 60, I think.

I'm very partial to a fresh new -laid egg.

Well, I'll be getting on my way then.

Out into the night.

On your behalf.

Oh, just a minute.

Do you say you like eggs? Very much, yes.

Come with me. Very nice of you. All right. Very nice of you. Very generous

you, sir. Oh, no, no, no.

I can assure you this won't go unnoticed. Oh, don't be silly. I mean,

can't own these little things for each other, what sort of a world would it be?

There we are.

And that'll be your breakfast.

That was a fiasco last night, wasn't it? Yes, thanks to that dozy duck.

Well, proves one thing, she'd make a good house duck.

Might a better roast duck.

Well, look, we got our Friesian back.

I got our Friesian back? You were off like the clappers.

Well, cowardice runs in our family.

At least old Bromley Eiffel Jones knows he's not dealing with a couple of mugs.

I'd like a word with you two.

I hope you realise there are heavy penalties for cattle stealing.

Well, you started it. Cattle stealing? That was our cow we took. That cow you

took was a bull.

A bull?

We nicked his bull.

This is no laughing matter. That bull is one of the finest of its breed in the

country. Yes, and this morning he's one of the happiest.

The happiest?

Yes, he just spent a night with our eleven cows.

Oh, God.