Original subtitles

VTR 1658, part 1, take 1.

Huh?

Huh?

Papa!

Papa!

All right, blimey, you can pack it in now. I'm up.

Now you lot can wait. I haven't had me coffee yet.

Morning, Sid. Morning.

Here. Who hasn't laid the table properly?

Who hasn't? No milk.

Well, Barney, I know.

Little weak crispies. Oh, new breakers. Lovely.

I wonder if they snap, rattle or pop.

Morning, lady.

Hello, darling.

Hello, Jojo.

Free me, please, love.

There we are.

Untouched by human hands.

Straight from the counter to the customer.

Lovely, thank you.

What do you get these?

Came in the post this morning. Trial offer. Really?

I must get a pack of these and I'll get out of the village.

I've already ordered a hundredweight.

A hundredweight?

We never eat a hundredweight. We're not supposed to. It's for the cows.

for contented cows.

Guaranteed to increase your milk yield.

Not only that, it fortifies you against foot and mouth.

That's not funny, Sid.

It might play havoc with my hormones.

I mean... The time for you to worry, mate, is when you start chasing one of

cows. Well, it's your turn to do the milking.

Oh, so I'd better look at me farmer and breeder.

Don't tell me... Don't tell me you've cancelled the greyhound weekly.

I happen to be taking an interest in my job.

That's highly commendable and about time.

As a matter of fact, I've sent him in a suggestion which would very well

revolutionise farming in this country.

No, not another idea like that one about feeding cows on fruit juice to produce

instant milkshakes.

It might have worked, matey. It might have worked. People are always laughing

new ideas.

That's the trouble with this country. Where are the men of vision? Men with

imagination. Men with that spark of genius needed to light the torch. All

I'm hooked. What's this revolutionary idea of yours, then?

Well... If I mentioned the Wright brothers, what would you think?

Aeroplane?

Marconi? Radio?

Fleming? 007?

Penicillin, you ignorant twit.

All right, then get to the point.

In future generations, when they hear the name Sid Turner, what will they

of? Crumple.

Go on, then, go on.

Pig's milk.

Pigs milk pigs milk.

Don't be ridiculous. You can't milk a pig.

Well, that's only because nobody's ever tried. It's perfectly logical.

I mean, the pig suckles its young just like a cow does.

So if you can milk a cow, you can milk a pig.

Well, you can't milk a pig. Why not?

Well, you never get a milk stool low enough.

I thought of that.

I thought you might have. Yes. You put the pigs up on a ramp.

eating these crispies. Oh, very well, you're knocking it, mate. I'm telling

the pig's milk is there for the taking. Yeah. Not only that, I mean, look at the

by -products you can get.

Pig cheese.

Pig butter.

Bacon -flavoured yoghurt. Yes.

Never mind a yuck.

You wait. We'll see you in the morning when our milk gets down. Yeah, well, let

me know when you do and I'll be out there with my camera. All right.

You'll see.

Here.

There's a letter from Miss Plummer of the Fletchley Hunt.

Right. Joints, teleo and all that? Yeah.

I wrote and applied for membership for both of us.

Forget it.

Sidney, it's about time you and I joined the county set. You're joking. You and

me, we'd have trouble joining the tea set.

That's where you're wrong, then.

She's coming this afternoon to see us.

Still don't think we should join. Oh, come on, Sid, you'll enjoy it. The

of the chase, the cry of the hounds, the sound of the horn.

Hang on, hang on just a minute, John Peel.

There's a couple of things you've overlooked.

Such as?

Well, horses, for a start.

Or did you figure on following the hours on a heifer?

We can hire some horses.

That brings me to point number two. We can't ride.

Oh, Sid, look, there's nothing to ride in a horse. You just sit there, see G

the horse does the rest.

I tell you what, we'll hire some horses, spend a couple of hours in the saddle,

and what do you say?

Where did you put the embrication?

Open your eyes.

I don't want to see what I'm going.

Don't worry, there's no danger of that.

He's got no head.

I can't move.

You have to try.

The horse wouldn't like to gallop round in reverse, would he?

Just keep still.

Don't move.

Keep still.

There we are. Keep still. Uncle's coming.

Keep still.

Hang on. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I haven't got my foot in the penalty.

Yeah. Oh, that'll be a tie -up, eh?

Don't be so nervous. You see, he mustn't show the horse.

You're afraid of him, right?

He told me he knows I'm afraid.

What you ought to do, you see, take a nice little easy gallop around the neck,

OK? Now, be very quiet and don't do anything to startle him.

All right?

Just right.

Matterhorn mist bath salts.

Clear and fresh as a mountain air.

Eases away aches and pains. One spoon full per bath.

Oh, well, it's cheap enough.

Book. Smokes.

Hello, matey.

Yeah. Was your path, didn't it?

Possessions, nine -tenths of the law.

Here, scrub me back, would you? Rub out of it. Get out of that path.

What for?

Because I want it, that's what for.

Well, I tell you what, you can have it after me, eh? You're choking me.

I'm not using your leftover bath water.

It's not like dipping sheep, matey. One cupful does a flock.

Well, suit yourself, then.

Here, is that the bat scrub you've got there? Let me have that, would you?

Oh, and give me the sponge as well.

And let me that book to read.

Have a look.

Just a minute.

Sid?

Sid? Yeah?

There's somebody at the back door.

Pardon?

Miss Bletchley's at the back door. I can't hear you.

Yoo -hoo!

Just a minute. Look, I can't find him in the barn.

Just a minute.

I'm terribly sorry.

That's all right. Come in. Anyway, it's very nice to meet you, Mr... Evans.

Evans? Yes.

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do?

Order,

please.

Order, please.

Order!

Must get one of these gavel things.

It would be an awful help.

Now, perhaps you'd like to ask the chairman of the committee to read the

of the last meeting.

All right, Colonel.

Remember, the meetings. The last meeting.

All right. Up you go.

Gives me very great pressure.

Pleasure to... I am pleased to be able to stand up.

All right. Take it easy. And read the minutes of

the... Blitzley... Hunt... The...

Oh,

yes, I know, I know.

At a meeting beholden... Well,

I think you're all more or less familiar, pretty familiar, with the

outlines of the... And so I think perhaps we might take that as read.

If you would just signify in the usual manner by... raising your hats hands

uh that i think we could uh is that all is that true any of them would

you

care to give us your report miss blubber thank you

yes our last meet was very well attended The start was delayed

due to the pack chasing Major Crawshaw's Basset Hound instead of the fox.

However, this will not occur again, as the Major has promised that in future he

will refrain from bringing his Basset Hound, especially when she is in season.

All in all, it was quite our most successful hunt, being the first time we

actually bagged a fox.

Sir Giles is to be commended for his enthusiasm in leaping Holcombe Brook.

and we feel that he deserves some recognition, so we intend to present him

the brush on his discharge from the cottage hospital. Very good idea.

Finally, the hunt's ball.

This year, we broke all records and cleared a gross profit of over £750.

Oh, very good. We look forward to our treasurer's report on his return from

Bahamas. Thank you, Miss Plummer.

Thank you, Miss Plummer, very much indeed.

Now, that's Colonel...

You would like to make a note of that in the minutes. The minutes? Oh, he's had

a meeting with me.

We've been through all that. Miss Brumman, I understand that you actually

to Clover Farm. Did you see anything of Mr. Evans?

I saw everything of Mr.

Evans.

Lord, how awful for him. I don't want to talk about it. Well, I mean, do they

wish to join or not?

Oh, most certainly.

I've invited them to this meeting. They should be here in a few minutes.

Minutes? Oh, yes.

Down, gentlemen.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, are you expecting two new members?

Yes, as a matter of fact, we are. Well, they've arrived.

Did they ask for us? They didn't have to.

Come in, gentlemen.

if we leave the horses in the car park.

Oh, I think so, sir, yes.

May I ask why you are dressed like that?

The Fletchley hunt.

Yes, yes, that's right, yes, yes.

I thought everybody was going to be ponced up in pink.

We do dress in the pink when we meet for a hunt, but not for a committee

meeting. You great hairy nelly.

Not you, miss. Well, I'm sorry. When you wrote and asked us to come to the

meeting, I thought you meant... Yeah, well, that's all right. It's quite an

understandable mistake. Would you care to sit down, gentlemen? Thank you.

Now, look here, we'd rather like to discuss this application of yours, if

can spare us a few minutes.

Minutes?

I've got your applications here. I must say they're very impressive.

I had no idea, Mr. Turner, that Eton was your alma mater.

Oh, yes, yes. I went to school there, too.

Very droll.

And I must say, Mr Evans, that Flitchley Hunt will be honoured to claim among

its members a kinsman of Lloyd George.

Lloyd George?

Shh, shh, shh.

I propose that these applications be accepted.

Yes, well, I'll second that.

Are we in then?

Oh, yes, yes, of course. Yes, most certainly.

There's a meet tomorrow morning, 11 o 'clock at the Spread Eagle. And we shall

be there.

Oh, yes.

Will there be a booze -up fast, Mark? A booze -up? Oh, yes, yes, yes. We'll have

a few...

Syrup cups, you know, don't we? Just a few syrup cups, you know, just to get

blood coursing. You're going to enjoy this, didn't you? I'm sure you will.

Have you ever hunted before?

Not foxes.

How many members do you have?

Well, with a full turnout, we've got about 40. And, of course, you've got a

magnificent pack. Pack? Pack of what? Well, hounds. Hounds. Oh. You've got 25

couple of the finest hounds in the country. Oh, I see.

Yes. Yes, so we just follow the doggies.

Oh. Darkies. Well, yeah, I suppose. Anyway, it's just until we find a fox.

Oh, it's so exciting when a fox breaks the cover and the hounds give chase.

That sounds marvellous. How long do you chase the fox for? Well, just as soon as

the hounds run it to ground. I see, and that's it then, is it? Yes, yes, yes.

I hope you'll both be in it to kill.

Kill? Yes.

Then the hounds will kill the fox. You mean you kill it? Yes, of course we do,

of course, yes. Then they cut off the brush and then the four pads.

Pads? What? Oh, well, paws.

You cut off their feet?

Sounds a bit strong, doesn't it?

Yes. I don't like the sound of this.

I think you're pandered to the lowest basic human instincts. Certainly. I

you're savage, sadistic... That's it. ...and bloody barbaric. You're right.

that's it.

I don't like the trend of this conversation.

Well, I'm not wild about it myself.

Well, if that's your attitude, I don't think we really care to have you as

members. It happens to be mutual. You can take your aunt and shove it right up

your jodhpurs. Yes.

Here, here. And people like you should be stopped. Oh, yes, should we? Yes, and

we're going to stop you this minute. Minute? Oh, now,

really, how do you propose to do that?

By joining the Anti -Blood Sports League. Well, for your information,

is... There isn't a branch in Fletchley. There is now.

Now sit.

Yes? What do you think of this one?

Oh, that's great, isn't it? Yeah. Finish yours?

Yes. Let's have a look at it, then. Yeah. Look, come on, let's have a look.

Down with the hand.

Well, I didn't have room for the teeth.

Very patriotic. We can stick it up by the war memorial. Don't mind about that.

I've worked out a plan of campaign.

Yeah? We are going to enlist the aid of some VIPs.

Matlin Muggeridge? No, we're going higher than that.

Harold Wilson? No, right up to the top.

Anybody higher than him?

We are going to get, matey, the backing of the Duke of Edinburgh.

The Duke of Edinburgh?

That's right. I've booked a call -through to him.

He'll never bother with us? Of course he will. He's always shooting up his mouth

about playing a good role in society.

Time he did it himself.

Oh, speaking of devil.

Hello?

Can I speak to the Duke of Edinburgh, please?

That is the Duke of Edinburgh.

It's him.

It's him.

Morning, sir.

Morning, sir. I hope you're keeping well, sir.

And the wife?

Good.

Yes, sir.

Well, sir, you don't happen to know me, sir, but I was in the Navy as well, you

see. So, I mean, I suppose you could say that we were shipmates.

Well, it's like this, shipmate.

My colleague and I were wondering if you would support our anti -blood sports

campaign here in Fletchley.

Pardon?

Don't you use that language to me, mush.

Yeah, thank you.

Mush? That's no way to speak to royalty.

That wasn't royalty.

You said you were through to the Duke of Edinburgh.

I was. So? It's a pub in Pimlico.

Ah, well, if it isn't one of our rebel friends.

Well, how's the... campaign going? Oh, we'll make it progress.

See that?

Unfair to little foxes.

Yes,

I always wanted to see that.

Who's in it?

It's not a film, it's a slogan.

Oh, I see what you mean, yes.

Well, if you don't mind my saying so, I don't think you're going to get very

much support around here, you know. Don't you believe it?

We're getting up a petition to send to Parliament.

I've been to every house in the village.

You know what our target is?

10 ,000 signatures. And how many have you got?

Thirteen.

Very impressive.

Well, it's a start, isn't it? I mean, we're only dealing with the important

people. Going for people like the local magistrate. Yeah, well, I don't think

you'll get him to sign. Why?

Because I happen to be the local magistrate.

Well, that's probably that, doesn't it? Now, mind you, I might be persuaded to

sign, you know, for, you know, I mean, a little... a little consideration.

What sort of consideration?

Well, I'm very fond of brandy, you know. You know I.

Now, Lord, let's have a large brandy. Very kind of you. Thank you very much.

All right, sir.

That's the band of the opposition.

Just sign that.

What? Oh, good heavens, my dear friend, you can't expect me to sign a thing like

that. What about the consideration?

Well, I know the considerations, and the answer's no.

Well, now it's branded. Thank you very much. Good luck to you, Turner. Thank

very much indeed. Hey, just hang on.

You should... Good day to you, Jetford. Hey, come in.

No violence, sir. What's the matter, Bob?

You blooming swindler.

Hey, Sid, great news.

I get two more signatures.

Two more signatures? Yes.

Well, that's good, that is. That makes 15.

And if we can't stop them, we can always play them rugger.

Do I detect a note of despondency in our campaign to save the fox?

Well, let's say that if I was a fox, I'd emigrate. I can't. I said we just

started. Look, we get some of the leaders of the community behind us, eh?

just had one of them, a local magistrate. Well, try the local vicar.

All right, I'll try him. And then we'll have a march and a mass rally in the

marketplace. And you can address the crowds.

You want me to make a speech? Make a speech, man of vision, flaming 007, all

that, eh?

That's it. Take your torch and ignite the man. Oh, blimey, I'll ignite them.

then we'll have a sit -in.

Sit -in? Yeah.

We'll sit in the lane and block the hunt's way.

I don't like the sound of that.

Oh, what's there to worry about?

When those 40 horses come galloping down the lane, we'll all be sitting there.

That's what I'm worried about.

Well, I'm afraid he's just going out.

Vicar, can you spare a moment?

Where have you been?

You might well ask where I've been. I just have.

I have just ruined the hunt.

What do you mean? Smell that.

What is it?

Hennessey. The dogs go raving mad for that. You mean you laid false trails?

Hundreds of false trails. The blooming hands are galloping around like blue

-nosed flies.

I mean, you're a genius.

Well, if you've got it, you've got it. You going to have a bath? Yes, I was.

I have it? Yeah. Get the pom off. Yeah.

You've earned it, Sidney.

Here you are.

Oh, God, blimey. Look at that.

She won't do any harm.

I am not getting in there with those women about.

You never know what she might expect.

Come on, get up. Come on, get up. Come on. Go on.

I'm going to enjoy this.

Oh, what a beautiful day.

I've got a beautiful feeling.

Say, do you have to put those screens up every time you take a bath? They're not

going to look at you. I like my private room.

Hey, I can hear the hunts.

Oh, shit!

Oh,

those dogs are going in all directions.

Get out of the seats down the trick. They're going all over the place.

going...