Original subtitles

I will never sell this company. A buyout is not an option.

You know what "buyout" means?

They buy us, we're out. Okay,

just listen to me. The Hamasaki people--

they promise that nothing's gonna change.

(scoffs) L... They're a very

ethical corporation. Ethical corporation? That's like saying

a pro-choice Republican or a partial circumcision.

They don't exist.

Sydney, we want to know

what you think. Yeah, let's hear what my daughter has to say.

Okay, um,

well, I-I see both sides of it.

You know, a big corporation would give us leverage

and-and open certain doors. But, on the other hand,

I'd be worried about our creative autonomy... Okay, you know what, you're

not even an equity partner. She doesn't get to vote.

Yeah, why'd we even ask her?

Simon, do you understand what kind

of money we're talking about?

This is "make your own species" money.

I want one of those tiny giraffes

like the guy has on the commercial.

Well, we all want that, Gordon, but at what price?

What price, Gordon? All right, you know what? You give me

no choice. I'm gonna call a meeting... What?

with the board.

(whistles) You monster. That's right.

Why is Simon so scared of the board?

Because the board's made up of people

who only care about money.

And my mother.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* Oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey, Allie, Maytag can't make the meeting.

Do you mind cancelling my reservation?

Sure, I'll take care of it. Thanks.

Oh, Andrew, guess what? I got us reservations at Joe Port's. All you can

eat shrimp buffet. Splash.

Did you just... take my reservation?

Is that okay? It's just, you didn't want it,

so I kind of just swooped in.

(chuckles) Yeah, of course you did.

Are you sure? 'Cause it seems like you...

you're having second thoughts.

I know sometimes I have something and I think I don't

want it and then once it's gone, I realize I made a big mistake.

Do you think you're making a big mistake, Sydney?

Just take him. It. The. Reser...

...vation for... Eat. Food.

Simon, your ex-wife is on her way up.

I had a feeling Paige was here. My body temperature

dropped three degrees. Everyone.

It's on its way up,

so don't make any sudden movements.

Just play dead until it leaves with half of everything you own.

Hello, hello, hello.

I got everyone mittens from Greenland. Ooh,

your mom seems kind of fun.

Yup, that's the problem.

My therapist refers to her as the lighthouse.

When her light shines on you, it's great.

And then, when it's off you, you're just left in the dark

to crash on the rocks of childhood neuroses. Oh.

(clears throat) Mother.

(gasps) Oh, honey, you look

wonderful. Give me a big...

Oh, Zach, no, not the red ones.

You look much better in blue.

No. Oh. What? Paige said.

Okay. (soft chuckle)

Hello, Simon. Paige.

Have you gotten shorter or have you just lost more hair?

I didn't recognize you with so much face behind your ears.

Oh. Oh.

Allie Cat.

Oh. Hi. Ah, Mega-tron. Hi.

This is my

BFF, Megan. The one I told you about. Andrew.

Hi. Champion gymnast in high school.

Ooh. She can still put both legs behind her head.

Three, two, one.

Hi. (chuckling)

I'm-I'm Zachary. I'm sort of Andrew's BFF.

Although we don't usually put it like that

because we're adult males. And F is a long, long time.

It sure is. Okay, well, we are gonna go grab some coffee downstairs.

It was nice to meet you. Yeah.

Did you see that? With the laughing and the touching

on the arm? Yeah, Fonzie, she totally wants it.

Yeah. Maybe she was just being polite.

Do you ever consider that? I mean, she's Allie's best friend, (phone dings)

she probably... She probably feels an obligation to...

No, she wants to be fixed up with you. Nice. Okay, let's craft a reply.

Something that says I'm interested but

not jumping out of my seat.

"He... says... no." Send. (whoosh)

Uh, that was maybe a little too standoffish,

'cause... Look, I love you like a brother but you are a dog.

And I think that's great. But Megan and Allie...

They-they're best friends.

This could only end up biting me in the ass. Hey,

listen, I can be a good guy.

I promise. I will be a perfect gentleman.

(slowly exhales) All right. I'm gonna so regret this.

Yes. Andrew, you are my BF. Possibly for F.

It's important that you B in me.

"B" is believe. I meant believe.

Let's not ask ourselves what we gain when we sell the company.

Let's ask ourselves what we lose.

I believe we lose our freedom.

As Braveheart said to us in blue face and a mullet,

(Scottish accent): "We must tell our enemies

"they may take our lives...

but they'll never take our freedom."

And I believed him, but that was before the anti-Semitic rants

and trying to kill his mail-order bride. (chuckles)

I'd like to leave you with the words

of Albert Camus.

"Without freedom, there is no art."

(whispers): Okay.

(clears throat)

$47 million.

How did the vote go?

It was a tie.

What... How is that possible? There are nine board members.

Mm, I guess I'm the deciding vote. (short laugh)

And you know how much I hate being the center of attention.

So, what are you gonna do? You gonna side with the man who

stole your youth or go with the non-threatening gay guy

who always tells you how young you look?

Mom, you have to leave personal stuff out...

I'm saying this to the woman that fought for the beach house

in the divorce and then sold it for a dollar

just to piss my dad off.

What? Did I never tell you that?

Kind of defeats the purpose.

Well, I can imagine your pain.

You're as hairy as a lowland gorilla.

Heredity's not been kind to me. I can't dispute that. You're an

average driver. At best.

Lauren, please. I know you're Yeah.

trying to help, but you need to hit harder.

I need to become immune to Paige's attacks.

But I feel terrible. I know this pains you.

But I need you to hit me with the worst.

Break out...

the nuclear option.

"Simon Roberts.

"You left Sydney at the mall.

You know it's not true. Uh-huh. "She had to sit there alone at

"Spencer's Gifts next to the dancing cactus.

"Every time she cried, it would just dance harder.

"* You live at the mall now, You live at the... *

I have never left Sydney at the mall.

You did. That's why you'll never admit

that the hairy alcoholic in this family

is the more responsible parent.

Okay. Maybe we just Yeah. Let's try that again.

go through that again. Okay? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Don't do the mall thing again, I mean, don't do the... Okay.

I was thinking

I should take you away this weekend.

We could spend a fortune on fancy clothes,

go to Vegas, return everything on Monday.

Come on, it'll be fun, I promise.

Yeah, I-I don't know. I mean, you say that,

and then somehow you wind up in Tangiers with your trainer

and I'm left standing on a street corner waiting for you

in a bandage dress and hooker boots, and that... Yeah,

I get it. We've had some miscommunications.

(short laugh)

All right. It's none of my business,

but, um...

can I tell you the most important thing I've learned

in my 29 years on this planet?

You only regret the things you didn't do.

Are you telling me you actually regret something?

Not spending more time with you when I had the chance.

And saying no to a romantic evening with Loni Anderson.

(chuckles)

Or was it Louie Anderson?

Well, either way it would have been a fine story.

Let's talk about it more over a cup of scotch.

Come on. Don't you mean coffee?

No. (chuckles)

And this is me doing the splits at nationals.

The trick is to...

completely relax your pelvic bone. Mmm.

You know, I could show you later if you want.

Sports... are so great.

It's just... good clean fun.

(chuckles) You need to relax. (chuckles)

You know what you need?

Hmm?

You need to...

(whispering indistinctly)

I...

have butter.

I'm gonna get you a refill.

Okay. Andrew,

can I talk to you for a second?

Let me top you up. Okay.

(quietly): This girl is crazy.

She told me that she wants to go home with me and-and

do things. This is unbelievable.

You made me a promise. Tonight's about being a gentleman. I know.

That's why I brought you over here

because I need your strength. I need you to talk me down

because, listen-listen to me, this is what she wants to do.

Come here. She wants to...

(whispering indistinctly)

No, you have to do that.

But afterwards, you are a gentleman, okay?

You sleep over. She wants to have brunch, you have brunch.

She wants to go to a museum, you go to the museum, okay?

There's a lot riding on this. This is not just about you.

Hey. N-No, this is not... this is...

I'm gonna be thinking about you the entire time.

I hope you're in the mood for my chicken parmigiana.

(chuckles) Sounds delicious.

Speaking of Italians,

remember how hard I had to fight you for that Maserati?

The one you parked in Lake Michigan? (chuckles) Yeah.

I'm fun.

Big... fun. (chuckles)

New necklace?

Yeah, Gordon gave it to me. Really?

How randomly generous of him.

This place is so adorable.

Oh, thanks. See?

Aren't you glad I got the big house

on the North Shore in the divorce?

Oh, yeah. I mean, this place is so much easier

to manage. I should've

thanked you for that years ago.

Oh, you were so much angrier then. (chuckling): Yeah.

Remember you always used to make that face.

What face?

That face.

Ha-ha!

Remember how mad you'd get

every time I mentioned that terrible day

you left Sydney in the mall?

Who likes to be reminded of their own negligence, you know?

(blender whirring loudly) (muttering indistinctly)

Gazpacho?

No, I hate your soup.

Oh. You know, I really love

the new Simon.

Thanks. Finally taking responsibility.

Can I let you in on a little secret about the vote?

Please do.

I'm leaning your way.

(panting)

That was incredible.

That was like having a front row seat at a gymnastics tournament.

So, um...

what do you want to do now?

I'm, uh, open to cuddling.

(laughs) (chuckles)

ZACH: Yeah, that's right. I offered to cuddle.

I wish Andrew could see this.

I'm really proud of you, bud.

Thanks, man.

Why am I dressed like Ebenezer Scrooge? You know,

I don't know. I guess I just figured that's how you slept.

(chuckles) That's funny.

Hey. Hey.

Do you want to go to a wedding?

Excuse me? (chuckles)

Wouldn't that be freakin' nuts? I mean,

maybe it's the alcohol talking but I kind of want you to come.

Huh.

Okay.

That's big, right?

(ghostlike): Huge.

(chuckles) A little over the top.

Just the outfit. I got inspi...

But, no, weddings, that's boyfriend stuff.

It's too much, it's too soon.

Not for Zach OS 7.

Not for New Age Zach.

Old Zach, he would've run from this apartment really far.

He would've waited two weeks and maybe he would've Facebooked her roommate.

Zach OS 7, he stays.

He stays.

I will go to this wedding.

And I will not Facebook your roommate.

Thank you.

You don't think Allie's high-waisted, do you?

Why? Well, your mom was just telling me

how happy she was about my relationship,

and then she offhandedly mentioned that Allie's waist

seemed like it was right below her armpits.

And, uh, now I can't get that image out of my mind.

Well, I... Long legs are a good thing, right?

Oh. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Oh,

you're in a good mood.

I am. Mmm.

It's been nice having Mom around.

I forgot how much fun she can be.

Yeah. Did I tell you we went

to an open house that she was interested in?

Did she go through the medicine cabinets?

Yeah. But then afterwards she talked

about maybe setting up a home base in Chicago.

Well, you know your mother-- everything's a fun idea,

but I wouldn't read too much into it.

Dad, people can change. You know that. I know.

Come on. Say one nice thing about her.

She's leaning my way on the vote.

(whistling)

(Gordon whistling)

Wait.

Why are you whistling?

This is the "Divas in Terrible Movies" marathon.

Now, we have Mahogany, Glitter, Oh.

Burlesque, Ooh.

and we're gonna start with Another Stakeout.

Who's the diva in that?

(opening music playing) Richard Dreyfuss.

(chuckles) This is fun.

It is. Easy. (sighs)

And about the vote,

I'm leaning your way.

She said she was leaning my way on the vote.

She's playing us both.

That's ridiculous.

What happened to sisters sticking together?

Was the whole message of Burlesque totally lost on her?

Let's take the high road. Enough prostituting our principles.

Good.

I guess you owe me a vote.

You just want to leave it on the nightstand?

Oh, come on. We both wanted this to happen.

Mmm. When was the last time we did this?

When you wanted the beach house.

(both panting)

God, I love that beach house.

When's the last time we did this?

When you wanted me to vote for Clinton.

God, she's gonna make a great president.

Ooh. When was the last time we did this?

When you wanted me to vote for Clinton.

Oh.

Oh, God, that man can play the sax.

Oh, we got to stop doing this.

What is it about hate sex that's so appealing?

Is there any other kind?

I'm guessing this is yours. Mmm.

Morocco on $4,000 a Day. Carol called

with this crazy idea.

We're gonna do a year abroad.

Does Sydney know? Because she mentioned something

about an open house and you and she...

Oh, no, no, no. She and I were just having fun. Besides,

their medicine cabinet was an abortion.

Nothing but Q-tips and two-year-old Benadryl.

But you're gonna tell her, right, Paige?

About, um, the year abroad and...

You don't have to tell me that. She's my daughter.

You're right. Of course.

(knocking)

What the hell are you here to do?

The bare minimum.

(Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing)

(exhales)

You might want to come in, the wedding's about to start. Oh, I'm

just waiting on someone. They should be here in a minute.

Megan? Oh, my God. Zach.

Did I invite you to my wedding?

An invite to the wedding was communicated.

Some other important details

fell through the cracks.

It was her wedding?

Kind of an important detail. What... What was she thinking?

I don't know. Why don't you ask your girlfriend here?

What are you implying? That she served me up to her friend

the week of her wedding. Like I was a piece of meat

to be chewed up and digested and released through the skin

in a pleasant smelling vapor. In my world, girls don't poop.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Why would she do that?

Because Megan was looking

for some meaningless fun before the big day

and I thought Zach would be the perfect guy to do that with.

Unbelievable. Allie.

Come on, Andrew, you're always saying what a dog he is.

Dude, that is so not cool. Okay, in fairness, I say that to your face

all the time. Yeah, but telling her breaks the bro code,

if that's even still a thing.

Okay, you're right. Dude, I-I'm sorry.

And I am saying "dude" because I want you to know

how serious I am.

But, A-Allie, look,

the other night I saw a man

trying to make a real connection.

I did feel good about it. Yeah, you should feel good about it.

I mean, he may not be there yet, but

this guy-- he's a keeper.

Whoa, but not, like, around the corner, right? I mean,

I still got some time. For sure. I mean, she's

probably not even born yet. Maybe she's just learning

to read, but somewhere out there is a girl who's waiting

to grow up and become your somewhat

inappropriately youthful soul mate.

And you're gonna make her really happy,

man, because you're my BFF.

(soft laugh)

I B in you.

"B" as in believe.

Yeah.

I'm gonna walk away.

Hey, do you think Allie's got a sort of high waist?

No.

Right.

Well, maybe.

GORDON: Well, Simon, looks like the vote's

gonna go your way. Congrats.

Finally, the white straight guy wins.

You guys get all the good wedding planner jobs,

so it all evens out. Timothy and I

could've had the yacht of our dreams,

the SS I'm A Miranda.

Whoa.

Hey. How's my favorite lady?

Oh, please, you already have my vote.

Keep some dignity.

Please. My dignity flew out the window along with my pants

around 9:00 p.m. last night.

(laughs) Hey, Mom, guess what?

Remember the sweet old lady on the third floor?

The one that fed all the neighborhood cats? Yeah.

She's dead. They found

the last ten percent of her body yesterday.

Sydney, I know she used to take your newspaper,

but she's still a human being.

Oh, yeah, no, that's totally sad and tragic, but

the apartment's available for Mom.

I mean, I know it might be a little strange, being right downstairs, but

I mean, come on, we could have coffee in the morning, we could

share critical looks over short skirts and loser boyfriends.

I promise I won't be too judgy. (laughs)

Yeah, that sounds like fun, but, uh,

let's talk about it later, okay?

You didn't tell her, did you? Tell me what?

Really? We're gonna do this now?

I don't understand. What's going on?

Nothing. (short laugh) Why do you have to make

everything such a scene? Uh, I should probably wait five minutes

to do this, but that's five minutes more of my daughter

getting her hopes up for nothing.

Sydney, your mother's going to Morocco for a year.

She's not taking that apartment.

Oh.

(sighs) Perfect.

Once again, you're the hero, I'm the villain. You always do this.

You always make these promises and you never

follow through. I'm just trying to protect her.

Protect her from me? Really? Yeah.

Who protected her when you abandoned her in the mall?

I never abandoned her at the mall. I may have left her

at Chuck E. Cheese, I left her at countless coat checks,

I may have once shipped her to Phoenix

in a dog crate, but I never left her at the mall.

Wait, that dog crate thing actually happened?

It wasn't a dream? You know, the difference

between you and I?

I've admitted my mistakes and I've spent

the last ten years making up for them.

Guys, this is ridiculous, okay? I mean, it's...

a stupid apartment. It's not even worth fighting over.

(Paige sighs)

I hope you're happy.

I'm never happy when my girl's hurting.

Kind of rough, huh?

It's a shame it'll be so fresh when we vote now.

I'm don't know what's upsetting me more:

the buyout or seeing Gordon in yacht slacks.

Those things show everything.

What about you, kiddo? You okay?

I get sucked in every time

and then I end up crashing on the rocks.

Does she even care at all?

Course she cares. When your mom's there with you,

she's there 100%.

What'd she say about Andrew?

How do you know we talked about Andrew? Well,

I'm kind of keyed in to your personal life.

And I may have peeked in your Dropbox folder.

Dad. Honey,

don't have a file called "Diary"

if your password is 12345678.

What'd she say?

That I would regret the things I don't do. Mm.

Why didn't you ask me what I think? Because

I was afraid you would say the same thing.

But coming from you, it wouldn't sound as crazy.

Oh, you poor kid.

I think that growing up with two parents who

jump out of moving cars mid-fight,

you learn to strap in.

You know, despite all of our faults,

I wish that for just once in a while you had a dash

of our reckless abandon, you know?

* Heart beats fast

Andrew.

Come with me.

* Colors and promises

* How to be brave?

* How can I love when I...

Um, I am about to do something.

And if you like it, I want you to tell me.

And if you don't, we'll never talk about it again.

Okay. Close your eyes.

Okay. (soft laugh)

* All of my doubt suddenly

* Goes away somehow

* One step closer

Well?

Hey, Cindy, congratulations, we're not doing the buyout.

You won.

I won. How?

Sometimes I do the right thing.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go burn a doll made out of your hair.

(laughing): Ow! Sorry.

Thank you, Paige.

I think the reason I make so many promises to Sydney

is I want her to like me as much as she likes you.

She loves you.

She just needs you to follow through.

You're right.

I'm moving back. I'm taking that condo.

Nah, just return an e-mail or two.

Oh, God, that's too much. (laughs)

So, where is she? Where is our Sydney?

Because I am taking us all out to dinner tonight.

She's in her office right now with Andrew.

She took my advice?

Well, I put it in terms she could understand.

So it's sort of my advice.

Oh, come on, you won't even give me that one small victory?

It wouldn't be a victory if I hadn't stepped in.

Oh, you are... How'd it go? What'd he say?

What's the weather like this time of year in Morocco?

Oh, it doesn't matter. I'll just pack anything

that matches sand. (Simon speaks indistinctly)

Come on. Can you take Mr. Princess for a year?

And I'm not the one who left her at the mall. You are.

I'm telling you. I distinctly remember that day.

It was March 2, 1987.

B mark.

I think that is great.

In na-normal wah...

(both laugh)

(grunts)

(blender whirring) Wow!

(laughing): Thanks, man.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

You stinker!