Original subtitles

So, you finished 90 Dances, 90 Nations, huh?

Um, it's pretty great, right?

My dad's new girlfriend is quite the author.

Yeah, I loved it.

How would you, I don't know,

summarize the characters or the-the plot?

You haven't read it, have you?

(sighs) It's 800 pages

of a woman recovering from her divorce

by dancing around the globe.

Could you just give me the CliffsNotes, please?

My dad's bringing her by after lunch.

Well, it was subtle with its complex narrative

and thematic prose. You didn't read it either.

It is 800 pages.

I've been trying to download the audio book

for the last 12 hours.

ANDREW: Oh, hey, I cannot thank you guys enough

for turning me on to Lily's book.

I mean, I may not be

a middle-aged divorcée,

but color me swept away.

Yeah, and all the dancing.

Dancing.

Dancing? There was no dancing.

The dancing was a metaphor

for her emotional catharsis.

Paco the farm boy makes that very clear in chapter 6.

You didn't read it.

Yeah, I didn't either. You know me.

I drift reading the back of a mac and cheese box.

So, how is it going with Lily and your dad?

Um, pretty well, I think.

I mean, you know, he's cautious.

He likes to take things nice and slow.

(elevator bell dings)

Or slutty and quick.

(clears throat) Dad?

(gasps) Oh!

Hey, gang.

May I present Ms. Lily Schecter,

the author of 90 Dances, 90 Nations.

And I was worried that meeting all of you

might be awkward.

(laughter)

So you must be Sydney.

I can tell

because you look the most horrified.

Uh, no, no, we're just real excited to meet you.

We loved your book. Couldn't put it down.

Read it in a night. I actually read it.

Oh, how kind. Did you have a favorite part?

Yes I did, because I actually read it. Chapter 12.

Chen-Lu with the... the Sea of Japan was...

Oh, so you're all liars.

It's okay.

I forgive you.

Well, I promise,

90 Dances, 90 Nations is at the top of my must-read list

once I stop being a workaholic.

Oh, Sydney, if I could give you one piece of advice

that I've learned on all of my life travels,

it's that you have got to slow down a little bit.

You need to cut out some time for yourself.

You know, just take a breath and...

(gasps) Balls!

I've got a meeting in 15 minutes.

It's at a women's shelter.

I mean, it's kind of a bummer

because none of them can afford my book.

That was so mean.

I'm really a nice person.

So we're on for Thursday? Absolutely.

It's a date. No...

An adventure.

(hisses)

So, what's the big plan for the date on Thursday?

Nothing too fancy.

Only the greatest night of romance

anyone ever had.

And of course, a magical ending.

Oh, I wouldn't put that much pressure

on yourself.

The first time's not always magical.

Sometimes it's over really quick,

but then you don't have to retake geometry.

Oh, there's a lot of story in that little sentence.

(man sobbing) Does anyone else hear someone crying?

Yeah, I'd know those ugly wails anywhere.

That's Gordon.

Gordon, is that you cr...

Oh! (grunts)

(groans) Timothy kicked me out.

My marriage is over.

Ow! That really hurt.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* Oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Bubbe, what happened? I don't know,

but I think I really hurt myself when I tripped...

Gordon, what happened?

I don't know what happened.

We were eating Thai food. Uh-huh.

Everything was fine. We were...

We were reading listicles on Buzzfeed.

Yeah? "Top 25 Ways You Know You're a '90s Girl."

And that's when Timothy,

he threw all my stuff out on the front lawn!

(sobs) 20 years!

We have a dog!

Don't you worry

about Dr. Katherine Lewis Salazar Ruffington.

That dog is gonna be just fine.

Take the rest of the day off, okay?

Here.

Go to my place.

Get some sleep; I'll check in on you later.

Do you think people will know I've been crying?

Oh, here, you know what?

You can wear my glasses. (sighs)

Thank you.

I don't want them to make fun of me.

Get out of here, go, go, go.

Okay.

Oh. Careful. My, my...

(sighs)

Hey, buddy.

Hey, friend. Oh...

You dropped these. No, those aren't mine.

So, how was that place for lunch? Are you...

Are you seriously just gonna leave them there?

Well, what do you do when you've lost something?

You retrace your steps.

First place they'll look: floor of the elevator.

You're unbelievable. Uh, yeah, it's easier

to turn a blind eye and look the other way,

but as a society we rely on the... Look, may-maybe the keys...

are supposed to stay on the floor.

All right, have you seen Back to the Future?

Do you remember the scene when Marty's mom gets all handsy with him in the car?

His sister's head disappears.

You want that on your conscience?

So you're equating picking up a set of keys

with messing with the space-time continuum?

Let's just hope it's not too late already.

SIMON: Okay, let me get this straight:

There were no infidelities?

No drug or alcohol problems? Look, we were fine.

We even celebrated his birthday last week.

What'd you do? What we always do.

I took him to Outback Steakhouse because he doesn't like rules.

And that was his idea?

No, he wanted me to sing Bearaoke.

It's like karaoke but with big, hairy, gay men.

I always thought that was karaoke with Barry Manilow songs.

That's Manilowke.

Ah. Anyway, after dinner, I gave him his Amazon gift card

and everything seemed fine.

I just figured out the problem.

You're not spontaneous.

That's what Timothy says.

Why didn't you tell me that before I started guessing?

Because I thought you were looking for something secret.

Okay, l-look, here's what Timothy always complains about.

That I never like to go out anymore,

that I never try, do, or eat anything new.

And that I still haven't gotten the mole on my back looked at.

Well, this is great news. Not the mole-- that's potentially fatal--

but everything else I can help you with.

Spontaneity is my specialty.

And you think that's gonna get him back? Of course.

We'll have you violating the sanctity of marriage in no time. We'll start tomorrow.

Okay, but I have to know what time, Oh, no, no.

I have a waxing... (glass shatters)

You can't plan spontaneity. Why would you do that?

Think of the first thing that comes to mind. I didn't get insurance

on the phone. That's a start.

Boys, in order to shake Gordon out of his comfort zone and help

him win Timothy back, he's gonna be joining our

brainstorming session.

Okay, our product is SmartSpecs.

It's basically a rip-off of Google Glass,

except they look just like regular glasses. Mm-hmm.

Basically, it's a computer you wear on your face.

So you can search the Internet, take videos, whatever.

Gordon, hold these in your hand.

Mm-hmm. Now say the first thing that comes to mind. Don't think.

I-I-I... I don't know. I'm not good at this.

Nonsense. Anything that comes out of that Mardi Gras float

you call a head is gonna be brilliant.

Okay, see, now, that was mean.

Yet encouraging. Thank you. Well, I want

you to succeed. You're my friend, okay?

Besides, I'm having a big date with Lily this weekend

and I don't want you all up in my kitchen, all right?

So, go from your gut.

What would you use these for? I-I...

wouldn't know where to begin.

Um, you could do anything.

That's it. What's it?

You could do anything. Not much of a pitch. Don't we have to be more specific?

Maybe you don't. Maybe it's something new.

Maybe it's an anti-idea.

A celebration of vagueness.

* SmartSpecs

* You can do anything

Who needs specifics? Being general is enough.

BOTH: * SmartSpecs

* You can do anything

* Pursue activities, or maybe just do stuff *

Come on, Gordie, join in. * SmartSpecs

No, no, too much, too fast, too soon. * You can do anything

* Anywhere, anytime, any way * (exhales) * Ow, ow, ow, ow-ow!

Song sucks, right?

Wow, was that bad. Hoo.

Aw, I hated that. For real.

(speaks indistinctly) (grunting)

Oh, don't worry about me. (chuckles) I'm fine.

Oh, my God, is it broken? Well,

i-it's a sprain. But the doctor used the word severe.

In, uh, what context? Well, he said

it was a severely mild sprain. But it's the worst kind.

Any more severe and it would have been officially moderate.

Well, he did give you crutches.

I-I might have picked them up on my own accord.

And a good patient is her own advocate.

Real or drama queen?

Second one. Drama queen. Got it.

Hey, either of you ladies missing a set of keys?

Those belong to Jean from payroll.

How do you know that? Well, see

the little pair of jeans hanging from the keychain?

That's her signature, because her name is Jean.

Signatures don't have to be clever.

Who's Jean?

You don't know Jean?

They call her the human tick.

Okay, you can't talk to her, you can't even look at her.

Because she will take the smallest human interaction

and attach to you like tick to deer.

I once held a door open for her and ended up

invited to her cousin's wedding in Vermont.

I told him to... this is what happens when you have no respect

for the space-time continuum. You know what?

The world I live in, a man returns a set of keys.

And wears a smart suit for airplane travel.

But one problem at a time.

(exhales)

(whistling)

Andrew Keaneally, are those my keys?

Yes, they are. You are such a dear.

I was just looking for them in the elevator.

Ah. Retracing your steps.

Yeah. Well, um, I should get going.

Oh, no, you don't.

I am buying you lunch

as a thank you and I will not take no for an answer.

Gosh, I've already got lunch plans at my desk, alone.

Great, I'll join you. Oh...

I was supposed to eat with Shirley

but she's sick again today.

What's wrong with her? Lyme disease.

7:55.

You want to make small talk like Timothy and I do

before NCIS starts,

at which point a cone of silence is triggered?

Hey, Gordon, how about we throw caution to the wind

tonight, okay? Have a little party?

I've got some new neighbors I want you to meet.

Oh, uh, uh, uh, no, no.

No, I can't meet anybody I don't know already.

What was Timothy's number one complaint?

You don't socialize. Well-well, that's

'cause I need to research people before I meet them.

You... M... You know, come on. (doorbell rings)

Oh, they're here. Surprise!

No time for research, got to improvise. No, no, Simon.

What did you do? Simon! Nothing.

Do-don't get it. Shh.

Welcome, bienvenido, bonsoir.

Cabaret, right? The Mac welcome screen.

Anna and Neal, my new neighbors, meet Gordon, my dear friend.

Gordie, tell them a little something about yourself.

I-I should be watching NCIS right now.

Huh.

So the plan is get married here and then a ten-day honeymoon

in Costa Rica. Honeymooning in Costa Rica?

Well, there's plenty to do there. Many people

enjoy the seaside community

of Manuel Antonio and then go ziplining

in the village town of Monteverde.

That's fantastic. Is Manuel Antonio far from Monteverde?

Is Manuel Antonio far from Monteverde?

It's a two-and-a-half hour ride on a dirt road,

but is also accessible via shuttles

from most of the major hotels.

Look at you riffing. You're like the Miles Davis

of small talk. You're killing it.

So, Neal, tell us, what's it like, uh,

growing up in Dearborn, Michigan?

Well... I understand it was

founded in 1786

and incorporated as a city in-- scroll--

1929.

Did you just say "scroll"? What?

No. Scroll? Hello? (laughs)

I said "stroll."

As in, the residents of Dearborn, Michigan stroll through--

reload page--

Ford Woods Park.

You're wearing SmartSpecs!

What are you talking about? Open new tab.

Topic changers.

Give me those! Give it to me.

Wait just a second. Wait just a second.

You're cheating! You're on Wikipedia!

And this page is not even verified!

I told you I'm not comfortable socializing

in front of strangers. Forgive me.

Uh-oh. What? What is it?

Nothing, nothing. No, no, don't tell me "nothing."

No, don't... Don't! Give it to me Give it to me.

Okay, it's an Instagram alert. Mm-hmm.

Timothy, how could you?

Who's Timothy? My ex.

He posted a picture of our beagle,

Dr. Katherine Salazar Lewis Ruffington.

He took my last name out of the middle name of our dog.

Maybe Instagram has a character limit.

No, that's Twitter. Shut up, Neal.

Doesn't mean anything, Gordon.

It means everything. He's given up on us.

Doesn't mean you have to give up.

It's done, Simon. No, no!

You don't know that, Gordon! Come on now.

Now is not the time to throw in the towel.

Take a risk, show him how much you love him.

Win him back!

Oh, so you're the relationship expert now.

What are you, 0 for 5 in the marriages?

Six if you count my Moonie wedding.

But at least I tried.

And tried and tried. And what have we learned?

That love doesn't last.

It dies.

No exceptions.

Except for you two.

Have a great time in Costa Rica, where--

click link--

"some of the world's best tarpon fishing could be found

on the Peñas Blancas."

I don't know what that means.

(speaks indistinctly)

Hey, guys, you remember Jean.

Just had another lunch. Jean just made me another vest.

It's a jean vest! Like me, I'm Jean.

You get it?

I'll meet you at the elevators to carpool home.

That was our fourth lunch.

I returned the keys three days ago.

Guess what that means. Lesson is learned.

Don't be nice, help no one.

I do not accept that.

You're not that guy.

I need you to be Andrew the Good.

We gotta find a way out of this Jean situation.

Well, all a tick needs is a good blood meal.

Maybe we just find her a new host.

SYDNEY: These crutches are starting to hurt my shoulder.

Oh, no, you don't think it's the beginning

of a mild rotator cuff injury, do you?

MAN: I hope not.

So, you created this menu yourself?

Mm-hmm.

This is wonderful!

Thank you. "First course,

a seven-course French meal."

It's just a little confusing, but I love it.

(chuckles)

"Second course, romance.

Third course, a magical ending."

Well, I wonder what that could be.

Simon? Hmm?

Where are you? You're really different tonight.

Is there something wrong?

Only that romance dies and love is a crock.

I'm having the fish. How about you?

What happened to the guy who said

that he wanted to sleep in late

so he could have more dirty dreams about me?

He woke up.

Wow. I, uh, I thought this was actually going somewhere.

Let me tell you where this is going.

We go out a couple more times,

We start throwing the L-word around, we get married.

One morning I forget to take out the garbage,

and suddenly you try to kill me with a kitchen knife.

So why don't we cut to the part where I say,

"Check please" and we spare each other years of misery?

Did someone order some magic?

You're early, Copperfield,

and you're supposed to say "abracadabra."

No one says that. Please tell me

you're here to transform this horrible date into a good one.

This must be very embarrassing for you.

It sure is.

I'm leaving you now, Simon.

That's what they all say.

Wow, he's good.

(phone rings)

(ringing continues, Sydney grunts)

Hello?

Sydney, is that you?

Dad? Mm-hmm.

Where have you been all day?

I was too despondent to come into work.

I'm sorry. I thought I was calling Lauren's glasses.

I need her to bring my leather cap.

I'm doing Bearaoke with Timothy

and I feel like an idiot without it.

Wait-- you're doing Bearaoke?

No, I'm just gonna get a sandwich.

I'm talking to my dad.

Yeah, I called you.

Huh? What?

No. Why are you despondent?

Well, yeah, it's this whole thing with Timothy and...

No, Gordon, I'm talking to my dad on the glasses.

He's despondent?

Yes. Simon? Simon, what's...

what's wrong?!

Okay, you know, why don't I give you the glasses

and then you guys can just talk directly?

No! He killed love!

Do not put me on that man's face!

What? He doesn't want to talk to you.

You killed love. Oh, that's crazy.

Here, give me... No, stop!

Listen, Simon, what are you talking about, I killed...?

What happened?

I ended it with Lily. What's the point?

Wh-wh-why? You were so into her.

It doesn't matter.

Any relationship I've ever had, I believed it was "the one,"

because I knew what Gordon and Timothy had was possible.

If they can't make it, what chance do any of us have?

Dad, that's... What is he saying?

GORDON: Listen to me. Let me see those.

Dad? Let me see 'em.

No, he hung up. Where is he?

I don't-I don't know.

He-He broke things off with Lily.

I can't believe it.

Because of me? Yes.

That's horrible.

Okay, you can get out of my face now.

Oh, no. Look at her. So defenseless.

I got this door! (grunts)

Good-bye, sweet Jean.

I don't know why I kissed them.

Very unsanitary.

Oh, wait. Someone left their keys here.

Did anyone see my keys?

Sydney Roberts, you dear!

Thank you. I am taking you

to lunch, young lady!

Oh!

Like the weakest little antelope.

We had to sacrifice one for the good of the pack.

She'll look adorable in a jean skirt. Hey, Syd,

if you're not doing anything this weekend...

I have plans. For the next 48 weekends, I'm booked.

Oh, of course.

You're probably in physical therapy for your ankle.

Oh, actually, they said I didn't need it.

They don't know anything.

That is a moderate sprain if I've ever seen one.

You know, that's what I said!

Yeah. What do you know about rotator cuff injuries?

They need to be taken seriously.

Match made in heaven.

SIMON: * I had this gay best friend

* Moved in with a nice young man *

(playing harmonica)

* Never thought they'd break up *

* But things didn't go according to plan *

*

* I got the gay best friend breakup blues! *

* Yeah-yeah-yeah- yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, yah! *

For Gordon.

Available for same-sex weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Thank you.

That was Simon bastardizing B.B. King.

To the single life, Timothy.

To being able to stay in your kimono all weekend.

(voice breaks): So many worms died to make Gordie's.

Okay, next up, we've got Gordon singing

Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"!

(mic feedback)

Hey, everybody.

(clears throat)

I have a straight friend...

(audience boos, hisses)

Shh. Come on. Everyone needs one.

...who falls in love so completely,

it-it's so stupid but great.

And if he believes that...

...me and Timothy can make it

through all this, then I have to believe

our love is not dead.

So I am here to fight for my man.

No, actually, I'm here to sing for him.

("Wrecking Ball" begins)

* We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain *

* We jumped never asking why

* We kissed, I fell...

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

If that's not a spontaneous, albeit off-key gesture,

I don't know what is.

* Why don't you ever say

* I just walked away

* I will always want you

* I can't...

This is the sweetest thing he's ever done, but...

I have friends here.

Go. I'm on it. * ...always want you

* We came in like a wrecking ball * * Like a wrecking ball

SIMON AND GORDON: * I never hit so hard

* In love

* All I wanted was to break your walls *

* All you ever did was

* Wreck me

* Yeah, you

* You wreck me... (laughing)

(knocking)

Lily.

Hi, Simon.

You are aware it's after 1:00 in the morning.

Oh, yes. A very close gay friend Yeah. What do you want?

of mine just got back together with his partner,

and I'm feeling positive about love again.

What do you say? Let's press the reset button, huh?

You know, I've always considered myself an...

open-minded kind of free spirit.

Mm-hmm. In fact, I-I was in a committed throuple with Woody Harrelson

and his wife for three and a half months.

Wow. But I have never met anybody as screwy as you.

(chuckles) Y-You're like... you're like an alien.

Really? Call me when you get your meds right.

I'll take that as a maybe. (groans)

I'm feeling hopeful again.

(woman screams)

MAN: How'd you get in here?!

WOMAN: Get out!

I don't know how you did that, Copperfield,

but it's too little, too late.

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help.

It'd help if you picked up your cues.

This is officially the last favor I do for you.

Don't I get three wishes? I wish I was taller. I'm not a genie.

I'm not a genie. You're still going back in your bottle.

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION, CBS

and VOLKSWAGEN

Hey, Lily. Hello, Simanyin.

(slurred gibberish)

(mocking sounds)

Oh, I got to knock on the door first.

Oh. (laughs)

Something equally at home on a midnight stroll

or during the horizontal mambo.

On the Fertile Crescent.

Or doing the Bone Dance. Oh.

*

* You can do anything

* You can...

Oh, I hope those are your keys.

(laughter)

You stinker!