Original subtitles

♪

[crowd cheering]

I think I've really outdone myself

this St. Patrick's Day.

Check it: As the float glides down

Michigan Avenue, the leaves are gonna undulate,

symbolizing change,

but they move in a discordant fashion,

because real change is never gonna come...

Wow.

That's really gonna make

an impact with the drunks

on the parade route.

How is that gonna be ready in two days?

I've got a crack team of artisans

working around the clock on it.

And by "artisans," you mean interns?

Your word. And yes.

SIMON: Good morning, campers.Oh! Clover down!

Hide the float! ANDREW:Gentle!

She's delicate.

So why are we gathering? Did someone on

Downton Abbey overstep their bounds?

Mosley is in debt.Ooh, well...

I will applaud your discretion when you leave.

[Dowager voice]: I am now caught up to speed. Thank you.

Spoiler alert: We have the fifth

round of auditions for Krispy Kreme today.

We are going to find that spokeswoman.

Yeah, how hard can it be to find

a hot, skinny girl who believably loves donuts?

SIMON:True. Time to get it on, guys.

Andrew, Zach, my office.

["Danny Boy" begins playing]

Is that...

No. No.No...

No, no, come on, guys.

[Irish accent]: I know that's "Danny Boy."

You don't have to hide

St. Patrick's Day from me.

We don't? No, no!

Why would I have a problem

with a holiday that turns this entire town

into a drunken frat party?

Where a man can't walk three feet

without someone vomiting green beer

on his new Tod's driving mocs?

Where you're asked to kiss someone based on

their ethnicity, which is racist.

Oh, so you don't like St. Patrick's Day.

Oh, no, I used to love it

when I was drinking. I also used to carry around

a badger named Bob, because I thought that was cool.

Okay... We were just talking about

the charity float.Ah, the charity float.

And what's the theme this year, Slumlords Without Borders?

Actually, we got a good one this year.

No, no need. Please.

No, come on, now.

You guys just carry on with your festivities.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office

trying to stick a shillelagh where the sun don't shine.

[chuckles]

Okay, so I was gonna

paint shamrocks on my face,

but I-I think I'll hold off.

That's good, because he hates it.

I... I try really hard

to protect him from all this,

so everyone, remember:

no mention of St. Patrick's Day.

Okay.

WOMAN: Happy St. Patrick's Week!

WOMEN [chanting]: St. Patrick's Week!

St. Patrick's Week!

Hey, little Andy! We surprised you!

What is this coven? WOMAN: Look how cute he is!

My sisters.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[screaming] ANDREW: What a wonderful

surprise! What are you guys doing here?

[sisters laughing]

Why didn't you tell us the new parade route

goes right in front of your building?

We're going to hang out with you while we stake our spot.

For two whole days?You know, this place is great.

How come we've never been here?

Yeah, well, we get really busy around here.

You should'vecalled.

This might not be the best time...Hey, Andy,

where's the bunny going?I don't know.

Ow! SISTERS: Oh!

Every time!

Ah, these must be the famous Keaneally sisters.

Yeah, let me introduce them in order of DUIs.

We got Katherine, Elaine, Eileen, Ellen, Helen and Molly.

Well, that's a mouthful.

I'll show you a mouthful.

So who's this slab of Blue Ribbon USDA Prime filet, huh?

[giggles]

Did I just giggle?

Uh, I'm Zachary.

And, uh, I-I'm Sydney.

The one who's too good to go out with our Andy. Huh.

Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Hey, Sydney.

Where's the bunny going?

ANDREW: Okay. No, no.

She's my boss, she's my boss. Thank you.

Uh, it was a-a pleasure

meeting you guys.

Who's that?Andrew's sisters.

ANDREW: Oh, my God.

Here comes my boss. Cover up, cover up.

Why?Nobody mention St. Patrick's Day,

all right?What the hell are you talking about?

It's your favorite holiday!

Not today, it's not.

Andrew, are these your sisters,

or is there a supermodel convention in town?SISTERS: Oh!

That's good, that's nice,

but we're-we're not supermodels,

we're just grade-school teachers.

Just grade-school teachers? Come on!

[laughing]

They're hilarious, but they are leaving.

No, don't leave! Make yourselves at home!

[quietly]: Don't make yourselves at home.

Mi oficina es su oficina.

Oh, gracias por su hospitalidad.

I only know oficina.

He only knows oficina.

So what brings you beauties to town, eh?

Oh, well, that jagbag says we can't say, so...

The St. Patrick's Day Parade!

Our favorite holiday!Oh... wow, wow!

Yeah, thanks for the home base, Simon.

Where do you keep your snacks?

Way on the other side of the office.

Out of sight, out of mind.Okay.

Here we go. Let's go.

Bye!

Molly, bring the beer!

We don't want anyone to take it.

Great.

They're really settling in.

["Danny Boy" plays]

Wonderful.

Krispy Kreme.

They're cool when they're hot.

That was terrific. Thank you.

You nailed it. Amazing.

I hated her.

Did you?

She did go to Julliard.Thank God we have

another round of auditions tomorrow.

Look, Roger, I'm not trying to rush you,

but we do shoot this campaign in two days.

How hard is it

to find the perfect woman?

I told you guys,

I want the total package.

Mm-hmm. Okay, well, the perfect woman,

total package thing doesn't really exist.

I mean, you know, what if we tried

to maybe appeal to everyone?

Yep. Take a page

from Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty,"

where they used women of all shapes, sizes, colors.

It was scary at first, but then we got used to it

and it was great.

Normal women.

Mm-hmm. ANDREW: Yeah.

That is interesting.

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Did I have...?

Did I eat a prop again?

Because that tasted real.

Why don't you try and say the line?

Me? Her?

Yeah. She's cute normal, right?

Um, well...

while it's flattering to be called "normal,"

um, I-I'm not an actress.

I wouldn't even know how to say...

Krispy Kreme...

They're cool when they're hot.

Wow. Wow.

You know what?

That's it.

I think we found our new Krispy Kreme Girl!

I'm gonna go ahead and agree with you.

I'm on board with you. Yeah?

Wait, you guys, this is crazy.

I'm the creativedirector

of this agency.Mm-hmm.

Although I did do some commercial work as a child.

Okay, I guess, you know, what the client wants,

the client wants, right?

I'll just go...

cancel tomorrow's round of auditions.

This is nuts.

Mmm.

She was... she was great, right?

She feels great.I-I-I love her.

She feels great.

Here's your coffees, fellas.

Can't have donuts

without coffee.

Krispy Kreme.

They're cool when they're hot.

[Lauren laughs]

No, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, that'sher.

That's the total package.

That's what I'm talking about!

I love her!

I hated that whole "normal" thing.

Huh? Congratulations.

Oh...You are our new Krispy Kreme Girl.

You're telling Sydney. I am not telling her.

Thank you!

[Irish accent]: Oh! Top o' the afternoon

to ya, Simon.You, too, missy.

Quick tip... SIMON:Uh-huh?

If you run out of tape, you can always use gum.

Wow.

Even on imported Venezuelan teak?

Isn't that a neat tip there, Andrew?

Hey, hey, hey, guys...

Uh, thing is, we don't really

celebrate St. Patrick's Day up here in the office.

It's kind of taboo.

Like, you know, talking about Cousin Bill's secret family.

Oh, those kids have such beautiful skin...

like caramel.

I wouldn't really say it's... taboo!

I got you![laughs]

You're not wearing green.

It's a pinch for the Grinch!

You sure got me, all right!

I think you struck bone!

I was due for a prostate exam.

What a fun tradition!

No wonder you don't have an ass, Andrew.

I am so sorry about my sisters.

I crack myself up.

SIMON: Pardon me, ladies.

Coming through.

Thank you, no, thank you.

It's S-Simon Roboto.

Simon Roboto, Simon Roboto...

Sydney!

Sydney.

Oh, Dad! Look what I found.

The craziest thing happened. You are never

going to believe it. W... why are you a robot?

[whispering]: Come closer to the screen.

It's the sisters.

They're a lot to take.

They're so gropey,

and you know I bruise like a Bartlett pear.

But, Dad, if they're bothering you, I'll just

ask them to leave.No, no, no, we can't.

They're the only thing worse than family.

They're other people's family.

[shudders]

So what's the good news, kiddo?

The client wants me to be

the new Krispy Kreme Girl!

You are? Yeah.

Shut up. Sign my boob.

Whoa.

SYDNEY: For real?ELAINE: Yeah.

Whoa, whoa.Okay.

No. Gotta go.

Okay. So just-just go in there and tell her.

No, you tell her.

No, you tell her.

Somebody tell me.

Oh, my God, can she hear us?

Could she always hear us?

What about when we made fun of her side bun?

Could she hear us then?

You notice I don't wear that side bun anymore, right?

What do you want?

Syd!How's it going today?

Hey, what do you... we didn't know you were in here.

My gosh. [chuckles]

Um, Andrew wanted to tell you something.

See, Syd, donut thinking is often circular.

Sydney, did you hear?

I'm going to be the new Krispy Kreme Girl!

Really?

Yeah! See, uh...

Syd, they wanted to go back

to that total package thing, and, obviously, that's just...

I really wouldn't go there. Let's not stir up her jealousy.

We don't want a cat fight.

Unless it leads to a make-out session,

which they always do. Always.

Guys, I am not jealous. Okay?

It's whatever the client wants.

They went in a different direction,

I get it.

Oh, wait, they were gonna use you?

Lauren, it's not a big deal.

I'm thrilled for you.

Really?

Because I wanted to ask you some pointers, you know,

since you did all those brownie commercials.

Cookies, actually.Uh...

I mean, I-I don't personally care,

but I wouldn't want to diminish

the accomplishments of the baker.

Right.

I'm so happy for you!

Thanks.

Good meeting. Okay.

That was good.

I think it went well.

Not much of a catfight.

Hey, guys... guess what time it is.

It's beer o'clock!

[cheering]

That's what I'm talking about!

We need to relocate this party away from my robo-dad.

They don't listen to me.

Don't worry. I got this.

Hey, no way are you

beautiful ladies drinking here.

I'm taking you out tonight

to party Chicago-style!

[cheering]Let's do it!

Time to get this party started!

I'll go ask Simon.

No! Nope.

Well...

my dad's an alcoholic.

Ooh, those guys are the most fun to drink with.

Not this one.

Why don't you gals pre-party in the break room,

and we'll meet you there in a bit? Huh?

All right.All right.

We got your number.It's a good one.

We're waiting for you.Let's go. Come on.

I got my eye... ZACH: I'm watching you.

...on you.

[chanting]: Let's get drunk! Let's get drunk!

Let's get drunk!

Let's get drunk...

I'm gonna go get hydrated in my office.

Oh, my God.Yeah.

ANDREW: So I realized the only thing

the float was missing was the statement.

So I rigged the fourth leaf of the clover

to break off when we get to the viewing stand.

I don't know what that means.

How could that be more clear?

With the disastrous economy, 12% unemployment...

Ireland can no longer rely on luck.

So the four-leaf shamrock becomes...

just a clover. You know what?

Art should make you work. I'm glad you don't get it.

Wait. When did you do all of this?

You didn't leave the bar until, like, 2:00.

And you were really drunk.

No, you were drunk. I drank a lot.

There's a difference.

I'm a Keaneally. We're known for our high tolerance.

And our strangely short second toes.

Well, I have the Roberts Hangover.

I just pray that today is a quiet day.

SIMON: No...!

What have they done to me?

I look like a lepre...

chaun...!

He really looks like a leprechaun

when he's mad.

Please don't call him a leprechaun.

Someone give him back his pot of gold.

Or mention pots of gold.

To be fair, it's really no more upsetting

than you as Cupid on Valentine's Day.It was only upsetting

because the arrow fell off and skewered Carl.

I'm gonna get an aspirin.

Andrew, find Zach, meet me in my office.

He's already in there.

Heads up, he had a rough night.

Whoa! What the hell have you she-devils done to him?

He looks like a crack clown.

How could you let him drink so much?

You're hard-drinking sailors.

He's an ad guy with a human liver.

Zach, wake up,wake up.

I don't want to go to school, Mom.Oh...

Don't worry, all that stuff washes off.

Really?

[all exclaim]That's not washing off.

You broke my Zach! Why can't I have nice things?

What did they do?

No, I wouldn't...

No, don't.Oh, my eye!

My face! My shayna punim!

Yeah, here's where it happened.

WOMEN: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! GO!

[all exclaim]

[vomits]

Oh, we popped his eye!

Pop the other eye!

Pop the other eye!

There was chanting.Yeah.

So much chanting. Endless chanting.

We have a meeting today.

We're supposed to pitch to the Lady Razor ladies.

I'll be fine.

Hey, look, boss, I can still be charming, huh?

[all gasp] Oh, God!

[all groaning]

ANDREW: I knew we were in trouble

when the taller Lady Razor lady started crying and said,

"Can that one stop looking at me?"

We have to write a whole new campaign.

I can't believe you went out partying with no regard

for how much we rely on your face.

I'm sorry, boss. I'd take my own life

if only these Lady Razor razors weren't so damned safe.

My God, what more can those harridans do?

Where's my big boxing robot?

Are you kidding me?!

Come on! You've really crossed a line this time!

You come in, you think you can just take over.

You think you own everything!

You pinch, you punch, you...Hey!

You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks! You bumped into the ceiling,

so you get...ALL: Nothing!

Do not Willy Wonka me.

You want to know why I've never invited you to where I work?

Because you're an embarrassment.

All of you! I mean, you have no social skills!

You can't even pick up on simple social cues!

And only one of you can blame it

on an actual Asperger's diagnosis!

Hey!

Message received.

Come on, girls. Let's hit the bar.

You coming, Andy?

No, I'm not coming to the bar! I have to work!

It's Dad all over again.

Dad never screamed that high. No.

I still want to know why he was yelling.

[quiet, indistinct chatter]

Blaine, you're in charge of getting rid

of everything St. Patrick's Day-related.

Leave no Blarney Stone unturned.

Lauren, take the date March 17

off of every calendar in this office.

It no longer exists.

But that's my birthday.Pick another one.

May I suggest something in early December?

You'll be a Sagittarius. They're creative,

they love to travel.

From now on, there'll be no more shenanigans.

This is a place of business. We will act as professionals.

And if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my office playing with my big boxing robot.

I bet they just captured a mom

and made her give them the recipe.

Now, you see what I did with "her" there?

"Her. Her." I came in big.

That's called having an intention.

Okay, now you try it.

I got it. Intention.

Krispy Kreme. They're cool when they're hot.

That's perfect!

Here, have a piece of candy.

Yay! What for?

Positive reinforcement. Every time you say the line like that,

I want you to give yourself a piece of candy.

Oh.It totally worked for me when I was a child actor.

I didn't have to have any of my baby teeth pulled.

They all rotted out.Wow. You really were a good actress.

I'm in a medical book.

What the float happened to my float, Blaine?!

Where's my float?!Simon said to get rid

of anything St. Patrick's Day.

In the office, not my float!

I see we made a slight boo-boo. Come on, Andrew.

You may not have a float,

but we'll still give money

to whatever lame charity you picked.

It's actually for kids, Simon.

Whatever lame kids charity you picked.

Hey, mister, are we gonna get our picture taken on the float?

My God, it really is a lame kids charity.

No, I just twisted my ankle.

Oh, good.Yeah, we actually got a good charity this year.

It's an after-school arts program for inner-city kids.

Oh. Who's the tall kid?

I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Wow! Yay!And this tiny guy

insisted we call the charity "Simon's Kids."

Oh. Does anyone else feel the room spinning?

We're not gonna be in the parade this year, mister?

No, Cameron,

because the man destroyed my float.

ABDUL-JABBAR: I was looking forward

to seeing the clover's undulating leaves.

No-no! Wait-wait-wait!

No-no! There's gonna be a float.

It's just not finished yet.

Do you know where the float is?

It's in the leprechaun's workshop.

And they're working on it

night and day because it's not a union workshop.

And you know what?

It's gonna be a most wonderful float

you've ever seen there, Tiny Tim.

It's gonna sham-rock your world.

Okay, team, to the float cave.

Ah!

Do we even have a float cave?

I'm not sure. Let's find out.Okay.

This is feeling good. How long we been at it?

Little over two hours.Oh.

Okay, let's just take a minute

to objectively evaluate what we've done.Okay.

SIMON: And the parade starts in...

A little over ten hours.

So we're...Screwed.

And even if we do finish-- which is highly unlikely--

it's just gonna be a flatbed of green Post-its.

Or is it a magical green snake that was driven out of Ireland?

No, we're screwed. And we're almost out of Post-its.

Oh, how'd it go?!

Got fired. What?

I mean, didn't you use my candy technique?

Oh, she used it and used it and used it.

What's my line again?

Let's do this!

[candy crunching]

Ooh.

Krispy Kreme. They're cool when they're hot

and they're hot when they're cool

and they're cool when they're hot!

Feels good on my gums.

This is my fault.

My secret candy technique backfired.

[quietly]: Oh, at least someone's taking responsibility.

Excuse me. What was that snide mumble?

I do not snide-mumble.Really?

Because if we're looking to lay blame,

I gave you a meaningful look

suggesting you control your sisters.

Uh, you were the one who invited my sisters to stay.

You didn't need to destroy my float.

I didn't mean to destroy your float.Well, you did.

It's kind of gone. I don't get it.

There's plenty of boozy holidays.

On New Year's, you're the

first one into a diaper and top hat.

It's a tradition!Yeah, we could lose that.

I just don't get why you're so opposed

to this particular holiday.

I'll tell you why.

I used to own this town on St. Patrick's Day.

I miss that. Not the drinking.

I miss the camaraderie, the letting go.

That was the night you took it

to the next level. You tell embarrassing stories,

the joy of a group of total strangers coming together

to flip over an O'Doul's truck. That's pretty cool.

That's you every day.

Yeah, but that was the night all of Chicago did it with me.

Simon, we always want to hang out with you.

It's my fault. I was trying

to protect you from all of it.

I'm sorry you felt left out.Aw, baby.

How's it going, Zacky?

WOMEN: Zacky...!Oh, my God.

How did you find me?

Oh, after you passed out last night,

we had a a microchip implanted in your neck.

What? Seriously?

No, I texted them, jagbag.

Nice use of jagbag. We're here to help.

Come on. Even after I was such a jerk?

Oh, Andy, you can get as fancy as you want,

but as long as you have

that short second toe, you're one of us.

Please tell me you can help us.

What? Of course they can.

They're grade-school teachers.

Masters of the hastily thrown together art project.

It's all about the three G's: glue, glitter and gin.

Yeah, all right, ladies, let's hit the streets.

Anything green, we want it.

Ooh, someone should snag that neon rainbow sign

from the gay bar on the corner.

I'd do it, but I don't want another strike.

On it.Great.

I got the gin.ANDRE: By "ladies,"

you meant me, too, right?

There's a homeless Packers fan over on Third.

I like these girls.

♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen and down the mountainside ♪

♪ The summer's gone and all the flowers dying ♪

♪ It's you who must go and I must bide. ♪

Here's a secret not even Andy knows.Uh-oh.

The doctor was caught in a snowstorm...Oh, yeah.

...so we circumcised him.

[all laugh] We did!

There's no such thing as an emergency circumcision.

You could have waited for the thaw.

[all laugh]

I should be mad, but you guys did a fantastic job.

Simon, you tell us a secret.

Okay.

I once French-kissed Wolf Blitzer.

Oh! On a dare?

On a yacht.

Ted Turner makes you dance for your dinner.

[all laugh]

Okay, I have a secret.

Lauren...

I think I might have been a little jealous of you.

I didn't mean to give you bad advice.

I don't know why I'm such a know-it-all.You're not a know-it-all.

I think I would know if I'm a know-it-all.

I swear I meant well.

I know that.

And jealous of me?

Sydney, you're my role model.

You're smart and tough, but still nice to people.

If I could suck your life force dry, I would.

That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I-I'd like to phrase my secret in the form of a question:

Did Elaine and I do it last night?

Like most of the guys I hook up with,

you'll never know.

[all exclaim and laugh]

SIMON:Look at this. Inappropriate hookups,

sharing secrets: best St. Patrick's Day I've ever had.

ALL: Aw...

[yelling]

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

MAN [mumbling]: Okay, mark. Ready cam record.

[mimics mumbling]

Oh, I wasn't crazy?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

You stinker!