Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, the guys

force Murray to take his licks.

[ Laughter ]

Ohh!

Narrator: Sal gets too close

for comfort.

We're both in this bed.

Look how much room is still

left.

Both: Pat him down.

Pat him down.

Narrator: And Joe puts his

hands where they don't belong.

You got some kind of an I.D.

Or something?

Narrator: Plus, tonight's big

loser gets a nose full of nasty.

[ Laughter ]

We're here at Ikea in the

bedding department, and we are

going to be wearing an earpiece,

and we have to do what each

other tell us to do.

If you don't do what we tell

you to do, you lose.

You lose. This is fun.

[ Laughs ]

All right. Get ready for next.

All right, murr, sell some

furniture.

Crawl under that bed.

Get under that bed behind you.

Oh, here comes somebody.

Here comes somebody.

Scare this guy in the blue.

Rawr!

Whoa!

[ Laughter ]

What are you looking for?

Queen or full.

Queen or full. Okay.

So, have a seat in this one.

Hop in! Jump in!

Ahh!

[ Laughter ]

Let me show you this. Okay?

So, this bed... the great thing

about this is...

great for back rubs.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay?

So, it's great for back rubs...

This bed in particular.

Show her.

So, for example, if you have

a gentleman over... lay down.

I'll show you.

[ Laughter ]

I'll show you.

And you have a gentleman over.

He's straddling her!

And he just starts, you know.

You see how much room you have

here?

Tammy, you got a knot there.

What's that?

Ohh! Got to love it!

Get in bed.

Cuddle up with her.

Isn't this just so comfy?

[ Laughter ]

Ask her if you can take a

picture of her in bed to send to

your ex-girlfriend.

I have a favor to ask.

I've got an ex-girlfriend.

I want to send her a picture to

get jealous.

Can you take a photo of us?

[ Laughter ]

Just come here.

[ Ding! ]

All right, sal.

Sal's about to go in, and we

have planted a few props around

the bedding department that he

doesn't know about.

We chose the worst photo.

Photo we had.

We went to the archives.

Yeah, and we just...

oh.

[ Laughter ]

I'm taking it down.

You leave it up there.

Sal, don't take it down!

You're employee of the month!

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughter ]

Take the comforter off

entirely.

Show her.

[ Laughing ] Take it all the

way off.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughter ]

Take it off!

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, it's me.

[ Laughter ]

You have size for the full

mattress, or did you measure out

including frame?

Spoon him. Sal, spoon him!

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughter ]

You spoon with him!

Put your feet up.

If I was in... like, if we were

in the...

All right.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

And...

[ Laughter ]

This is, like... look. Now look.

We're both in this bed.

Look how much room is still

left.

[ Laughter, clapping ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Plenty of room for two

people.

Fall asleep on him, sal!

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter, clapping ]

Hey, how you doing?

Hi.

Can I help you guys?

Oh, the mid-beam is underneath

for support.

"But if you're gonna bone on

it..."

You know, if you... if you

have... have, uh... you know, if

you, uh...

Uh, if, you know, if you have,

uh, you know, uh...

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Need help, sir?

Put the sheet over his head

and make him act like a ghost.

And do ghost sounds!

Ready? Watch this.

[ Laughter ]

Wooooooooooooo!

Woooooooooooooooooooo!

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Woooooooooooooooooooo!

[ Laughter ]

Watch.

All: Ohh!

[ Applause ]

[ Laughter ]

Woooooooooooooooooooo!

[ Laughs ]

Q, put another one on

yourself!

Walk around the store.

Go scare people.

Put in on! Put it on!

Follow me! Follow me!

Go scare people!

Wooooooooooooo!

He's doing it! He's doing it!

Keep going! He's doing it!

He's following you!

Woooooooooooooooooooo!

[ Laughter ]

Wooooooooooooo!

[ Laughter ]

Hey, q.

Yeah?

Walk over to that bed.

Open the drawer.

[ Chuckles lightly ]

Why don't you take out that

monkey and just get dressed in

those pajamas, okay?

This is what we did?

[ Laughter ]

Who's responsible for this?

You know that picture you

picked out of me for "employee

of the month"?

Yeah?

How you doing?

Walk around the whole area

sucking your thumb.

[ All chuckling ]

Rub your eyes like you're

sleepy.

[ Laughter ]

Rub your eye, you sleepy monkey!

Ask him to tuck you in.

Tuck me in?

Go ahead. Tuck me in.

Hold that.

Get in.

That's it.

Could you tuck me in?

[ Laughs ]

Ask him to read you a story.

Sid, sid! I need a story!

[ Record scratches ]

Yay! Story!

[ Lullaby music plays ]

Yeah? Three bears?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah!

Cuddle up to him!

Yeah, cuddle up to him!

Cuddle up to him!

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughter ]

All right, what do you want

to know?

I mean, that'd be good,

but...

This guy still thinks he

works here.

It is unbelievable.

He was just laying in bed with

him!

He's got a monkey on his head,

he's in pajamas!

The guy's like, "does this slot

come in [bleep] birch veneer?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] This comes in

birch.

[ Ding! ]

Joe, get in the bed.

Get completely under the covers.

Hey, guys, you need any help,

or...?

Nope, we're good.

You're just looking around?

You guys need help?

[ Laughter ]

You guys need help? You okay?

[ Laughter ]

You're finding everything all

right?

[ Laughter ]

Let's have a pillow fight.

You can do it!

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Damn it.

Let's go, everybody.

Here you go.

We're gonna have a big pillow

fight.

Arm up. Let's go.

Give everybody a pillow!

Everybody, arm up.

Let's go. Get ready.

It's Ikea pillow fight.

Friday night Ikea pillow fight.

Let's do this dance!

Three, two, one...

[ Screaming ] Do it! Do it!

Do it!

Look what we got happening!

[ Screaming ]

Get everyone!

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

I can't believe that you

couldn't say "bone."

I'm not gonna say "bone" to a

sweet, pretty girl.

Narrator: Sal couldn't close

the deal.

Now he's on the loser board.

I always feel very

accomplished when I assemble my

furniture.

Yeah.

I'm not handy otherwise at

all.

My dad actually hangs all my

photos and pictures in my house.

So, when you get a new one,

you call him?

He must be so proud!

[ Laughter ]

We're down at the beach

taking turns as official

greeters for the

boardwalk welcoming committee.

We're gonna be saying things

that are pretty unwelcoming,

though, because we're telling

each other what to say and do.

All right, the challenge is

to do what you're told.

And, of course, if you

refuse, you lose.

[ Buzzer ]

I'm feeling friendly today,

guys.

I got to be honest.

Oh, are you friendly?

I don't trust it.

Is it the weather?

You gonna enjoy the beach

today?

Probably not.

Okay, well, if you do...

"Keep an eye out.

You'll see a lot of what the

locals call..."

You'll see a lot of what the

locals call...

"Boobies."

[ Chuckling ] And... and...

Boobies.

A lot of boobies out there

today.

Okay, well, I didn't want to say

anything, but you're

well-equipped.

[ Laughing ] Enjoy the beach.

Hey, guys!

Hi. How are you?

I'm from the welcoming

committee on the boardwalk.

Give one of them a piggyback

ride.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Okay.

Here's what we're gonna do.

One of you lucky ladies just won

a piggyback ride.

[ Laughter ]

Run. Run as fast as you can.

[ Gunshot ]

[ Laughter ]

[ "William tell overture"

[ plays ]

Don't put her down!

Don't put her down.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Tell them there's a sunscreen

warning today.

There is a sunscreen warning

today, just so you know.

"Don't touch my [bleep]

Sunscreen."

I'm just warning you.

Don't touch my [bleep]

Sunscreen.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Guys, how are you today?

Just checking everybody, saying

hello.

Both: Pat him down.

Pat him down. Pat him down.

You mind doing a... security

purposes... a quick pat-down?

What?

A pat-down?

A quick pat-down?

Yeah.

Appreciate it.

[ Laughter ]

You know, we just increased

security with everything that's

going on around here today.

Thanks, man.

No, I'm with the welcoming

committee.

I'm ththe welcoming committee.

Okay, that's fine.

All: Ohh!

You got to tighten the screws

here.

Go up to the guy sitting down

and tell him to be careful.

The sharks have been targeting

blacks lately.

Come on, guys.

You got to be [bleep] kidding

me.

[ Laughter ]

[ "Jaws" theme plays ]

Did you go in the water?

Huh?

Did you go in the water

today?

Yeah.

Nice out there?

Had to. Yeah, it was great.

Yeah?

There's no way he's gonna say

this.

I heard...

I heard we had to be careful

today because there was a... the

sharks were out there.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

They were targeting...

Go up to the guy sitting down

and tell him to be careful.

The sharks have been targeting

blacks lately.

Come on, guys.

You got to be [bleep] kidding

me.

[ Laughter ]

Did you go in the water?

Huh?

Did you go in the water

today?

Yeah.

Ice out there?

Had to. Yeah, it was great.

Yeah?

There's no way he's gonna say

this.

I heard...

I heard we had to be careful

today because there was a... the

sharks were out there.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

They were targeting...

No, no, no, no.

[ Buzzer ]

Ohh!

You suck, dude.

Gorgeous day.

Ask that guy if he wants you

to take a picture of the two of

them.

Would you guys like a picture

of both of you?

Murray, just take a picture

of their crotch.

[ Laughing ] No way.

He's not. No way.

Take a picture.

Okay, ready?

One, two, three.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughter ]

One more?

Now just take a picture of

your crank.

[ Laughing ]

Ready?

[ Laughing ] One...

No way.

Come on. Do it.

Ready? One...

No, he isn't!

Two, three.

[ Laughter ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

That's a keeper.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

All right, big surprise on

that rejection, gentlemen.

I would have did it.

Aah!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you son of it...

narrator: Joe got burned at

the beach, tying sal with one

loss apiece.

You know what's a big scam?

Those boardwalk games.

Worst is when you're with a girl

and she wants that stupid Teddy

bear.

Oh, I don't like when they do

that... "hey!

You want to win a bear for your

lady?"

I tell them straight up, "no."

How long you been single,

buddy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Right.

Do we have fascinating lives?

[ Snorts ]

We want to know, so today

we're holding a focus group.

We'll be telling our life

stories via a slideshow

presentation.

The catch is that we haven't

seen any of these slides because

we've written them for each

other.

At the end, we're gonna ask

them, "how likely are you to buy

this book on a scale from 1 to

10?"

And whoever gets the lowest

score loses.

I recently got a book deal.

So, basically, I just have a

brief slide presentation that

covers, like, some of the

chapters, overview, and themes

of the book.

I run through them with you,

answer the quick questionnaire,

and you're out.

All right.

The book is tentatively

titled "life."

That's me... sal vulcano.

[ Click ]

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] A twin

step-sister!

It's as mind-blowing to me as

it is to you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Claps ]

Uh... okay, now, this is my

hotness ranking of Disney

princesses.

[ Laughter ]

First, you got Ariel as the

mermaid.

[ Laughter ]

Second, Ariel as a human.

[ Laughter ]

And then the girl [chuckling]

Lion from "the lion king."

Because, really, you know, that

is one [voice cracking] hot

lion.

[ Laughter ]

Nitty-gritty stuff.

[ Laughter ]

This is, uh...

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckling ] This is my... i'm

not sure who that is.

[ Laughter ]

"My top 5 favorite outfits on

Ryan seacrest."

Blazer, button-down shirt,

khakis... that's your standard

seacrest.

Button-down shirt, cute sweater

vest...

[ Laughter ]

And a tuxedo.

Who doesn't look good in that?

[ Laughing ]

This is two turtles [bleep]

[ Laughter, clapping ]

So, that's basically it.

Thank you guys so much.

I really appreciate it.

Good luck with the book.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Really?

[ Laughing ] Are you serious?

You [bleep]

Well, this specific

question... "how likely are you

to buy this book?"

Hey, listen, they liked it.

Throw a number out there.

Eight.

What?

I'll take the eight.

I'll take the eight!

How did you get an eight?

Hi. How are you?

Come on in, guys.

Okay, so it's "life" by me.

Here we go.

[ Record scratches ]

Okay, so it's "life" by me.

Here we go. So...

Um...

[ Laughter ]

"Things people don't know about

me."

Believe it or not [chuckling] I

have never been kissed on the

mouth.

[ Laughter ]

Next slide.

This is, uh...

[ Laughter ]

This is when I almost got kissed

on the mouth.

[ Laughter ]

Next.

[ Stifled ] "My level of fear by

race."

[ Laughter ]

Yellow people's a whopping 58%.

[ Laughter ]

"The number..."

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughing ] We do...

Even she's breaking.

[ Laughter ]

"The number of dumps I take when

I'm constipated"... which is

zero.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] This is my actual

okcupid profile.

[ Laughter ]

And, yes, you should message me

if you're sassy, fun,

passionate, and intrigued.

And that's it.

[ Laughter ]

[ Clapping ]

Come on, give me some...

Come on, come on, come on!

Eight! Yes!

I got a frickin' eight.

So, let's get started.

[ Laughter ]

It's gross.

[ Laughter ]

[ Voice cracking ] Next slide.

"How I made my money."

One, of course... stocks and

bonds.

Two was stockings and bondage.

The third one was [laughs]

Chicken stock and James Bond.

[ Laughter ]

Because...

You see what happened here.

[ Laughter ]

It starts with stocks and bonds.

It goes to... it's very clever.

[ Laughter ]

And then chicken stock and

James Bond, because who doesn't

like a good bowl of soup while

you're watching "octopussy."

[ Laughter ]

"Things people don't know about

me."

I'm not sure how to spell

"percieved," and I'm pretty sure

that's spelled [laughing]

Incorrectly.

[ Laughter, clapping ]

[ Chuckles ]

Next slide.

[ Laughter ]

"The number of girls I bang

[laughing] Every day."

Sunday is my big day.

[ Cash register dings ]

[ Laughter ]

And that's it.

So, basically, that's

[laughing] My... that's my book.

I'm probably not gonna buy the

book.

Right.

I felt he was kind of all over

the place.

[ Drumroll ]

Three.

Ohh!

[ Laughs ]

Yeah!

[Bleep]Damn it.

Suck!

Please, sit. Have a seat.

I'm Brian Quinn.

[ Chuckles ]

Here we go.

[ Baby cries ]

[ Chuckles ] White baby!

[ Laughter, clapping ]

That's me as a baby.

That's not bad, right?

All right, "things I'm not proud

of."

Drugs.

Little bit [laughing] with the

heroin.

[ Laughter ]

Boom.

"My vices"!

[ Chuckles ] Gambling...

Blackjack.

[ Chuckling ] Prostitutes...

Black Jackie.

[ Laughter ]

[ Clapping ]

So, and that's it!

Thank you so much.

[ Laughter ]

I've never seen you crack

like that.

I couldn't stop laughing.

"I identified with many ideas

presented"?

No.

Oh, you're done.

Your goose is cooked.

[Bleep]

One.

One!

Lowest of the day!

Narrator: Looks like q won't

be making the bestseller list.

If you could swap lives with

one of us, who would it be?

I'm gonna go with sal 'cause

his life so closely resembles

mine that I feel there would be

no adjustment period.

[ Laughs ]

Keeping with that, i'd

probably swap with you, as well.

Why doesn't anyone want to

swap with me?

Then people would think of me

what we think of you.

[ Laughter ]

We are at casale jewelers,

playing jewelry experts helping

uples in love.

We got to do and say what

we're told, and if you refuse,

you lose!

Sal's gonna get a pass on

this one because he's kind of

useless around people in love.

[ Voice breaking ] It's that

I hold love in such high regard.

It's not something to be toyed

with.

It's...

that's what we're looking to

avoid here.

It's all right, man.

Love is an institution.

[ Laughter ]

It's okay, man.

Let's put this over here so

you can see a little bit of the

case there.

Joe is such a salesman.

Now, emerald cut?

You like anything...

Oh, okay.

So, we don't know what the

[bleep] That is.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, take a look at the guy's

pierced eyebrow.

You got the face ring and

everything.

[ Laughs ] "I pierced my ball

myself."

I tried a ball Pierce once.

[ Laughing ]

Oh!

By myself.

It was accidental.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, breathe on the ring to

clean it.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh! [ Blows ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Blows ]

[ Gags ]

[ Blows ]

This machine is busted, so...

Pbht!

[ Laughter ]

Pbht!

[ Laughter ]

[ Blowing, hissing, spitting ]

[ Laughter ]

Put it on her finger now.

[ Laughing ] Now put it on

her hand.

[ Blows ]

[ Laughter ]

Clean as a whistle.

[ Blowing ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

How long you guys been

together?

Two years?

Marriage is a big commitment,

man.

"Are you guys happy

sexually?"

So, like, s...

Sexually...

[ Laughter ]

Everything's okay?

Wink at him.

[ Ding! ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ] Keep winking at

them.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughing ] Keep winking.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Aww.

Aww. I like that.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ] I like that.

[ Laughter ]

Winking at her.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter, clapping ]

I forgot what I'm winking

about at this point.

[ Laughter ]

"Can I confess something to

you?"

Can I confess something to

you?

"When the store closes..."

When the store closes...

"i try on all the jewelry

naked."

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] Say it, q.

Say it.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Let's take a look at this.

Gorgeous!

"I know for a fact, though,

this diamond was smuggled."

This has an interesting story

behind it.

This ring was smuggled.

Oh.

"In an anus."

[ Chuckling ] Inside the...

Inside the smuggler's anus.

Aah!

[ Chuckling ] We... we wash

it first.

Like, you can't... right?

There's nothing.

[ Laughter ]

Smell it. Nothing, right?

There's nothing there.

Smells good.

Let me show this. Come here.

Murr, lean right on him.

[ Chuckling ] What are you

doing?

Put your face on his bald

head.

I want your cheek on his bald

head.

That's it.

That's it.

Let me just get it.

[ Laughter ]

This... you got a fat neck!

[ Laughter ]

I... you're...

kiss his forehead.

Kiss his forehead.

Let me... mwah!

That's scratchy.

[ Laughter ]

It's, like, stubbly. It's...

[ laughter ]

Lick his head.

Do it.

Right now.

Lick it.

Ohh, my god!

Oh, my god!

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

My god!

Too bad, q. Too bad.

I...

What happened, buddy?

Something like this happened.

Bleh!

Aah!

Gross!

[Bleep] You!

Come on!

Are you crazy?!

Narrator: So, it was q who

really took a licking at the

jewelry store, and that makes

him tonight's big loser.

This one's actually kind of

easy, q.

You just got to go out there and

guess what's the last thing

someone ate.

How am I supposed to guess

what people ate?

I'll take this one!

[ Laughing ]

You have to have people come

up to you, take the deepest

breath they can, and just spray

your nose down with their

breath.

Ugh!

It's gonna be amazing.

They're gonna be breathing

all up in this area.

Are you insane?

I mean, right on your f...

Like, ahh!

One other detail, q.

You can't stop until you guess

correctly.

Yeah, so you got to keep

going until you get it.

Good luck.

[ Chuckling ]

I have to try and guess the

last thing that you ate by

smelling your breath.

[ Record scratches ]

I have to try and guess the

last thing that you ate by

smelling your breath.

You want to help me out here?

Go for it.

All right. All right.

[ Blows ]

Oh, boy.

Oh, my god!

Was it like a fish meal?

No.

Ohh!

It wasn't toothpaste, right?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god, dude.

This guy ate something fierce.

I know it.

Oh, my god!

All right, ready?

Yeah.

Go.

[ Laughing ] Look at him!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, boy! Keep going.

I'm getting there. Wow! Oh, wow!

Oh, gee... well, you definitely

smoke.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna say...

Jalapeño poppers.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Lox and cream cheese.

Lox and cream cheese!

All: Ohh!

On a bagel.

So, smoked salmon.

Okay.

[ Exhales ]

Uh... oats.

Poached egg.

[ Buzzer ]

All: Ohh!

They blow their breath in my

mouth, and it settles onto my

tongue, and I can taste them...

Their essence.

[ Exhales ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Exhales ]

Uh, it was like...

Tuna fish?

You ate a tuna-fish sandwich

today.

No.

Ugh!

[ Buzzer ]

My stomach is, like,

flip-flopping.

[ Horse neighing ]

Oh [bleep] hell.

Quit complaining, or we'll

make you guess what the horse

ate.

[ Laughing ]

Right in the...

[ Exhales ]

It's gross!

Was it a gallon of sour milk?

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

[ Exhales ]

Okay. One more.

[ Exhales ]

Oh, my god.

Was it... was it bacon?

Yes!

It was bacon?!

Yes.

It was bacon?!

Yes!

It was bacon!

Oh, well done.

Yes!

Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!