Original subtitles

[ Groans ]

Narrator: Their choices do

not necessarily reflect the

opinion of normal human beings.

Can anyone help me, please?!

Narrator: And remember this

woman?

[ Record scratches ]

Tonight, find out how she

reacted when the guys told her

she was on TV.

[ Laughter ]

What makes this show unique,

I think, is that we're really

just four friends having fun.

We've known each other so

long that this comes from us,

and we didn't meet in an

audition or something.

We hang out with our friends.

Everybody can relate to that

because everybody's got friends

like us.

And we're just four friends that

are lucky enough to do it.

This is an outlet.

Take out all our aggression on

each other.

We never fight because we get to

punish each other on a normal

basis.

Okay. I got somebody.

This is it.

Get ready.

How are you?

Okay.

Scream the order back to him.

So, that's one double

white castle, four white castle

burgers, and a small drink!

[ Laughter ]

Staying in?!

Staying!

[ Laughter ]

Waiting for card authorization!

Approved!

Approved!

Ba-boom! Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

Don't look at the guy.

How many cheeseburgers?

Four double cheeseburgers.

And what's your name?

Gary. Gary?

Yes.

Okay. And a beverage?

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

Bottle of water.

Just one bottle of water?

You driving back to Brooklyn

tonight?

There's gonna be a lot of

traffic on the sunrise highway.

He just got a tip!

Thank you for the tip, Gary.

I appreciate it.

Thank you, sir.

[ Ding! ]

Hey. How you doing, ma'am?

I'm great.

Rhyme everything they ask

for.

Are you kidding me?

Seven shmeeseburgers?

An order of funion schmings.

[ Laughter ]

So that's seven beesvurgers,

one... one funion dings... And

one five-piece bleeze blicks?

[ Laughter ]

We do accept blips if you like

the service.

Blip... blip cup there.

All: Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Murray, woman in. Woman in.

Tell her, "my girlfriend thinks

it's appropriate I work here."

I got to tell you, my

girlfriend loves that I work

here...

"'Cause I'm hung like a

slider."

Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

because she says I'm hung

like a slider.

Murr, flirt with this woman.

Are you okay?

Did you hurt your arm?

Yeah.

Seems like you... let me see.

What'd you bang it on... over

here?

Let me see. Oh, my god.

You actually have a bruise from

it.

Kiss it! Kiss it!

[ Smooch! ]

Anything else?

Okay. So, let me read that back

to you.

"Six cheeseburgers for my

sugar mama."

Six cheeseburgers for my

sugar mama.

Three cheese-ring sandwiches...

"For my boo-boo bear."

for my boo-boo bear.

Say, "I can give you an extra

pickle with your order."

I can give you an extra

pickle with the order, if you

want.

Wink!

[ Ting! ]

I will tell you, there is a tip

jar there if you feel you've had

exceptional service.

[ Groans ]

Oh!

Ohhh!

You are a sweetheart. Mwah!

You're a sweetheart. Thank you.

[ Ding! ]

$8.82, dork.

Freeze! dork.

Tag!

Hold it!

Stay!

[ Laughter ]

Don't move a muscle.

[ Laughter ]

This guy... he doesn't know what

to do!

[ Laughs ]

What is he thinking?

That's amazing.

What is he thinking?

[ Laughter ]E thinking?

Oh, my god.

This is epic!

This is a total stalemate!

Don't move!

He hasn't broken yet.

Don't laugh! Don't laugh!

[ Laughs ]

He just keeps looking back,

left, and right at no one.

He's not saying anything!

[ Laughter ]Saying anything!

This guy... he ain't winning

this [bleep]

Hold!

Hold!

This guy is not [bleep]

Talking!

He's not saying a word!

[ Laughter, clapping ]

Okay. Go.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

Here you go. Here you go.

Old English. Old English. Yeah!

Good morrow, sir, and welcome

to the castle of white!

What's thou craving?

Bring it to me, and I shall slay

it!

Two burgers of ham!

Two burgers of cheese!

Your wit, sir, is legendary!

[ Beeping ]

'Tis confusion!

[ Laughter ]

Squire!

[ Beep ]

Sir?

There's 53 cents.

All: Oh!

The most generous lord in all

the land!

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Some of us were better

friends in high school than we

are now.

Murray and Quinn started out

strong.

Now when I look at him, I

just kind of want to throw up.

[ Laughter ]

Actually, come to think of

it, all of us have the same

reaction to one of us.

I'm not gonna point any fingers.

We specifically said we're

not making fun of Murray!

Yeah, but then you showed up

wearing that tie, and we're

like...

[ Laughter ]

You guys look like a couple

of great senseis... not.

Hi, everybody.

I'm shisho James. Shisho Joe.

Okay. So, we're gonna start

with just some basic moves.

All right, listen... we're

gonna play out a scenario, guys.

Let's play out a quick

scenario.

Pretend one of you is a

bully.

Let's pretend, for example,

one of us is a bully.

Hey, man.

Hey.

That's my parking spot.

I was there first.

Well, eff you.

And he goes in for your waist,

right?

Using your body weight... right

down... boom!

Go for the attack.

He pulls me in. Seatbelt locked.

All right, this is the

seatbelt... seatbelt.

Start rolling around.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Say, "all right, class.

Pair up and start rolling."

So, we want to get everybody

to pair up.

Use your momentum.

Twist and roll. Twist and roll.

One roll... you only can do one

roll.

Okay.

What if the attacker comes in

from behind?

Murr, jump on his back.

What do you do in this

position?

Drop to the floor... right.

That's right.

Right down.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, guys.

Now move over to the punching

bag.

Take a knee, everybody.

Take a knee.

Here's how you deal with a

bully.

Let's say this is the school

bully.

Double-team that bag and just

go to town on it.

So, you're just gonna take

turns really getting at him...

[ Laughter ]

Go nuts. Go nuts!

Just going to town on him

and telling him, "you can't have

my lunch money!"

Jump on him, murr.

Jump on it like a monkey in a

tree, you little bastard.

[ Laughs ]

That's how you take a [bleep]

Down.

So, there are four places that

we always want to protect.

What are they?

They're your face first, right?

Touch his face, Joe.

Face first... you always want

to protect it.

Keep your hands up.

Second place... neck.

Touch his neck.

Always keep your chin down.

Third place is what?

Solar plexus.

That's right... your chest.

And the fourth place is?

Yes, your groin... correct.

Touch his groin.

Touch his groin.

No.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Nice teammate, murr.

How we doing, everybody?

Ready for a good class?

Sal, show them what not to

do.

Show them how not to slap a bag.

You do not want to do this.

Okay?

And then back into position.

[ Ding! ]

You're not gonna win a fight

doing that.

Let's do another one.

Okay. We're gonna show you a

new move, guys.

New move.

We're gonna show you a move

called the "you go, girl."

All right. All right.

Why don't we do some of the

newer stuff?

You want to do some of the

new stuff?

Guys, get down in a guarded

stance.

All right.

Now, when he's gonna strike

me, I'm gonna do what we call

the "you go, girl."

"You go, girl."

Come down with your right to

strike.

Swipe it away.

Say, "unh-unh."

Unh-unh. Unh-unh, girl. No.

Go ahead.

Tickle fight!

Tickle fight!

Tickle fight! Tickle fight!

Tickle fight! Tickle fight!

[ Laughs ]

Is someone gonna help me?

[ Ding! ]

Joe, how you been?

You don't remember me?

Narrator: The guys talk to

strangers.

My trip to Disney... I

spanked that fat kid.

The behind-the-scenes stuff

is half the show.

Yeah.

Because you see the wheels

in motion at all times.

You see us struggling and

cringing.

It's not easy to do these

things.

No.

We're scared, and you kind of

see that.

That's my favorite thing

about you.

About me?

Yeah, out of the four of us,

you hear your heart on your

sleeve more than anyone, right?

Like, you can see the pain in

your face.

Do you see it now?

[ Laughter ]

Here we go.

Who knows what those j.O.S are

writing over there.

Makes me nervous.

Hey, what's going on, bro?

How you been?

Brian.

What?

You're my ex-wife's friend?

No, I've never met you

before, sir.

I'm from Copenhagen.

Yeah, in Copenhagen.

I was at that dinner party?

[ Chuckles ]

I farted... I farted at the

dinner party in Copenhagen?

[ Laughter ]

It stunk. That fart stunk.

It, like, cleared the room.

I must have a twin or

something, because I really

don't remember.

No, don't you remember?

I was like, "hermadur!"

No, I don't...

"hermadur," bro.

You must have met someone who

looks really similar.

No, it's me! It's me!

Just admit you know me!

No, I don't remember you.

Aw!

[ Laughter ]

Hold on one second?

Hey, how you been, man?

How's it been?

Long time no see.

Don't think I know you.

Yeah, i'm, uh, Brian from

that, uh...

You know what? I don't know you.

I'm sorry.

[ Laughter ]

We know each other, right?

No.

I met you guys at... at

night court.

No.

I was the guys... I'm the

president of the Dakota fanning

fan club?

[ Laughter ]

Well, anyways, these days, i'm

on Broadway in "Spartacus."

Oh, cool.

Give him a new one, give him

a new one, give him a new one,

give him a new one.

I was at the doctor's office,

like, last month.

Maybe that was it?

The proctologist?

Could that be it?

I... I 100% met you.

I was the one that showed you my

toenail collection.

I got diagnosed with SARS for

like a month.

[ Laughs ]

None of this is ringing a

bell?

I was the guy that stole that

baby's diaper.

[ Laughs ]

Damn it!

What does it take to get

somebody to remember me?!

Oh, my god.

I'm not even sweating from

the heat.

I'm sweating from being nervous.

Dude, I know you.

From downtown.

From the... the clinic?

Yeah.

No, I... I used to... I used

to... I used to wax

Sylvester Stallone's scrotum

down there?

[ Laughs ]

No?

[ Laughter ]

All right, take it easy, man.

Could have swore I knew you.

Dude, dude?

It's sal.

I totally knew you from the

Christmas party.

They had holy water for

Christmas.

I peed in it.

I thought you... I thought you

were... your name's not Kevin?

Hey, what's up?

Now I'm just... I'm running

cockfights now.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Sal.

Sal, yeah, yeah.

Yes! Dude!

The guy that pissed in the

water, yeah.

The guy that pissed in the

holy water, totally!

Good to see you.

Dude, take it easy.

If you want to come to one of

the cockfights, hit me up.

He got it!

[ Ding! ]

Oh, hi. Don't I know you?

Um...

Joe.

From where?

Didn't we meet at the, uh,

at spin class?

Yeah, it was spin class, right?

I exposed myself accidentally?

Had a short short on?

[ Laughter ]

No? You sure?

Look at me in the face.

[ Laughter ]

Al roker's Christmas party.

I ate a live squid?

I bled from my nipples?

I make stars out of Spanish

children.

My trip to Disney... I spanked

that fat kid.

I sing in a girl band called

puss.

[ Laughter ]

I can't believe he said it.

All right, well, it was good

seeing you again.

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: Mustaches...

Sorry, mustache.

Don't call me mustache.

Narrator: Butterflies...

Oh, god. Check.

Narrator: And the big

reveal.

"Nosy" came from me having a

very large nose.

Nosy came from genetics.

Accidentally.

Yeah, so, it actually

started... we were on a

high-school trip amongst a

crowd right on fifth Avenue, and

I stood behind strangers waiting

to cross.

And I was like, "oh."

And I was just too close.

I was like, "oh."

Dude, you have no shame

whatsoever.

None.

He was born without that

shame gene.

Blame for my mother for what

I pick up.

[ Laughs ]

I do.

Your mom should be the fifth one

of us.

She's him, 2 feet shorter with

white hair.

[ Laughter ]

Here we go.

Hello. Welcome to costco.

Jean-Luc... are you French?

Oh.

"I hate the French."

I-I got to be honest.

I [bleep] hate the French.

[ Laughter ]

Your total is $272.44.

Make it rain.

Make it rain, bitch.

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

Rip it up.

Great.

Just rip it in half.

[ Laughter ]

Great.

What, is this?

"I'm sorry. That's not valid.

That's been ripped."

This is ripped.

It's not valid.

[ Laughter ]

What's the, uh... what's the

occasion with all this cake?

Something good?

Yell out... oh.

"Who kicked the bucket?"

Cake.

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

[ Laughing ] Who caked the

bucket?

[ Laughter ]

"Who caked the bucket?"

"Who caked the bucket?"

[ Beep ]

[ Laughing ] Who... honestly,

though, who caked the bucket?

I cannot believe you said

that.

[ Ding! ]

The next woman behind you,

when you turn around, yell "milf

alert!"

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

Hey. Milf alert.

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

This is so hard to do.

[ Beep ]

Are you guys married?

Shake his hand and

congratulate him on securing

such a piece of ass.

That's a hell of a piece of

ass there, sir.

[ Laughter ]

Anyone ever tell you you look

like Justin bieber?

Hey.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

Anyone ever tell you you look

like Justin bieber?

1975 called.

They want their chest hair back.

[ Chuckles ]

1975 called.

[ Beep ]

That's it. They just called.

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

Okay.

There is a megasale on

tampons in aisle 5.

Nope.

[ Buzzer ]

Q, tell her, "I see you got

us juice for tomorrow morning."

Ooh.

Oh. Mango juice.

That was very thoughtful of you

to get that mango juice.

"Is that for us tomorrow

morning?"

'Cause there's nothing I love

in the morning more than a cold

glass of mango juice.

Oh! Oh!

Oh. Hello.

Can you just ease up on the

attitude?

Okay, Diane.

I'm gonna ask you to just ease

up on the attitude a little bit.

[ Laughter ]

My mother... I wish she knew how

to make lamb rack.

It was all TV dinners and,

like...

"Cigarette burns."

cigarette burns.

[ Laughter ]

You're gonna hit the next

customer with a "hey,

moustache."

I'm sorry, moustache. I'm...

Don't call you...

See, I couldn't even do it,

moustache.

I had to...

I wasn't speaking to you.

I was speaking to her.

"Don't call me "clown.""

Well, don't call me "clown."

"Don't call me 'clown, '

moustache."

All right, moustache.

Don't call me "clown" is all i'm

saying.

[ Ding! ]

Touch him with your nose.

Put your nose on him.

Do it!

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

Put your nose right on his

shoulder.

Go! Do it!

All right.

And Richard.

[ Ting! ]

Good. All set.

[ Laughter ]

Put your nose on him.

$20.

[ Ting! ]

$23.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

[ Laughter ]

And change.

You can do it. You can do it.

[ Laughter ]

It's tough.

Did you...

Let's go. There he goes.

He's gonna get her nose!

He noses the card!

[ Ting! ]

Total.

Can you swipe there?

[ Ting! ]

[ All cheering ]

Nose!

I'd much rather win a

challenge and not have to do a

punishment.

The worst thing that sucks about

the punishment is you do it by

yourself, and everybody else

just gets to laugh at you.

The best punishment, from my

point of view, is when sal had

to sing in front of a baseball

stadium.

Sal starts singing.

He's making the song up on the

spot.

Within 5 seconds, some dude in

the audience is like, "sit the

[bleep] Down!"

[ Laughter ]

Instantaneously, 10,000

people hated sal.

You watched a man's soul

shrivel and die in front of

drunk hot-dog-eating baseball

fans.

Okay, buddy. This is it.

This is your punishment.

Do you have any idea what you're

about to do?

I'm really nervous, man.

I feel like throwing up.

You can't do anything that bad

to me.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and whistling ]

Sal, check this out, buddy.

Let's just see where you are.

[ Groans ] Now what?

You're about to go up there

and make up a song that you sing

on the spot.

And they're going to tell you

what the title of your song is.

Who's gonna tell me?

The loudspeaker.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have

a very special treat for you.

A young man by the name of

sal vulcano is going to sing a

song he wrote especially for

tonight.

He calls it "butterfly crime

scene."

Butterfly what?

Crime scene.

Oh, my god.

Please give sal a big

blueclaws welcome.

Butterfly crime scene!

Oh, god. Check.

[ Feedback squeals ]

Uh...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Scattered applause ]

[ Sighs ]

♪ I have always loved

butterflies ♪

♪ since I was a child

boo.

♪ But sometimes there'd be too

many ♪

[ crowd booing ]

You suck.

♪ I murdered the butterflies

♪ and...

♪ dead butterflies

♪ dead butterflies

♪ what can be better than a dead

butterfly? ♪

♪ Butterfly crime scene

♪ butterfly crime

♪ sce-e-e-e-ne

[ fanfare plays ]

Aah! Look out!

Oh, no! There he goes!

[ Laughter ]

Yeah! That's how you do it!

Narrator: For the first time

ever, you will get to see how

this woman reacts when the

jokers expose themselves.

Narrator: For the first time

ever, see how this woman reacts

when the jokers expose

themselves.

Murray, you got to put them

on your head.

It's not to steal panties.

Here we go! Here we go!

Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

These are... these are yours?

I am so sorry.

I thought these were... I

apologize.

I thought these were mine.

Here she goes.

She's going to ask help.

[ Applause, laughter ]

What?

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ] No!

One camera.

No, I'm not.

Yes. There's cameras there

and there and there.

Let me tell you something...

When I first came in, I saw him

do it, but I'm thinking it was

his.

[ Laughter ]

What is your name?