Original subtitles

Thunder rumbles

Thunder rumbles

He grunts

he sighs

He grunts

hyah! Hegroans

knock on door — yes?

He grunts

Door shuts — what?

Harpsichord plays

Hey.

He whispers: Mops, mops.

Mops...

Harpsichord continues

She screams

they yell and laugh

Joseph!

Joseph! She giggles

Look at you!

Joseph...

He sighs

we were expecting mama.

Yeah, I persuaded her to let me come instead.

Even ma could see the situation

requires a delicate touch.

So she sent you?

Oh! — they giggle

that butterfly appears to be...

Stop it! Stop it! — ...Trapped in your ridiculous hairdo.

Stop it!

I won't take lessons in style from a man with holes on his elbows.

What are you wearing?

I always travel as count falkenstein.

You know how I hate to attract attention

and besides, an emperor only sees what he's shown.

Count falkenstein sees the world with his own eyes.

What does he observe when he looks at me?

The queen who's about to lose her crown?

Indistinct chati'er

Marie: You have to make an appointment.

To visit my brother—in—law? Don't be absurd.

Which way for the king?

That way. — you... you can't just turn up.

Even I need permission to see him.

Me/n gott. No wonder you haven't produced an heir.

This is an Austrian ploy to seize the advantage in our negotiations.

Not at all. A visit from Vienna was expected.

By the empress, and not until next month.

Count falkenstein thinks he's caught me napping.

Ha! I'm always ready, mercy.

Are you?

We don't knock. — excellent!

We tap.

Toinette.

Stay.

Welcome to versailles, sire.

May I present count maurepas, the king's mentor.

Excuse us, gentlemen. Family business.

Door slams

Joseph sighs

Joseph chuckles

Joseph sighs

Joseph. This one's big brother.

I am wet. It was pissing down all the way from Vienna.

Look at you!

We're cut from the same cloth.

Toinette, come and join us.

Come.

She grunts

now, what's all this nonsense about a divorce?

Isn't it time for you to kiss and make up?

It's too late for that.

Who is that count falkenstein?

He is the co—emperor of Austria.

Her brother? Well, why doesn't he use his own title?

He prefers to travel incognito to avoid the fuss of a state visit.

Isn't fuss the whole point?

The point is to settle his sister's divorce and send her packing.

May I present my family? — no.

Let me guess.

Under her breath: Please don't.

Dignity...

Elegance...

Luminosity.

Oh, wow.

Your portraits do not deceive, mesdames.

Ha! He chuckles

and here is the distinctive plumage of a bon viveur!

Your reputation goes before you, monseigneur.

You've done your homework.

Always.

And for my finale...

I hesitate

uncertain, oh, but then I detect...

Oh... he sniffs

oh... the unmistakable aroma of a crisp, young savoy

and the full—bodied opulence of a count de provence.

Madam.

Monsieur.

Well...

I hope you will join us in Paris this evening.

Your musical maestro...

Saint—georges? — mm.

Saint—georges is conducting his new opera.

Toinette.

She chuckles

How can we put a stop to this?

We must face reality, sire.

Seven years, and the marriage remains childless.

Even the pope agrees that an annulment is fair.

Fine. Start the divorce negotiations.

But spin them out.

Buy me some time to talk sense into that dullard and my little sister.

To the opera.

Towel?

God's sake, give me that.

Habsburgs. They're a cunning breed.

The emperor may play the touchy—feely family man

but all he cares about is expanding his empire.

He won't rest until he occupies the whole of Europe.

This is where he's heading next.

Bavaria?

She sings in French

musicians play

The libretto is woeful, but the score is sublime.

Mozart is right to be sensitive.

Your chap is the bee's knees.

I was about to appoint him my music master

until provence banished him from versailles.

Your brother—in—law's a stuffed shirt

and his wife is terrifying.

Welcome to my life.

So tell me, what's going on with you and Louis?

Does he repulse you?

Beat you? Prefer his own sex?

We don't get along.

Do you want a divorce?

What I want is irrelevant.

Not to me.

Louis has made up his mind. — so what?

Are you going to accept his decision and run back home to mama?

I don't have a choice.

Opera continues

crowd applauds — brilliant.

Crowd gasps

Me/n gott/

Paris worships you.

You have something here, toinette.

Fight for it.

I don't know how to.

That's why I'm here.

There are some things even you can't fix, Joseph.

Joseph: Don't you believe it.

You were marvellous!

Wonderful.

Gunshot

hey! Are you alright?

What do you think you're doing!

Misfire.

Attempted regicide, more like.

You need an heir, and quickly.

Duck call sounds

gunshots

ducks quack — gunshot

Dog barks — Joseph: Watch this.

This one's mine.

You're a good shot.

Shooting is simple for sporting men like us.

Shooting our seed, that's more difficult.

Seed?

Gunshot — if you want my advice...

Go for volume.

Volume?

Volume.

You need to be on my sister day and night.

Shoot, reload, shoot, reload. Wham! Bam!

Thank you, ma'am.

She doesn't want me anywhere near her.

Shall we talk to her?

I have nothing to say.

I will speak for you.

Where's the emperor?

He's engaged on other business.

What's more important than settling his sister's divorce?

He didn't say.

Marie: What's the point in doing this?

It's over. There's nothing to be done about it.

If your brother says he can help you, let him try.

Louis may change his mind.

Maurepas won't let him.

You know what? I will miss you when I go back to Vienna.

You are going nowhere, antoinette.

Marie: Fine.

Joseph sighs

marriage.

Marriage, marriage, marriage.

Aren't we here to discuss our divorce?

Oh, no. Let the pen pushers toil over your divorce.

If the same effort had been put into your marriage

we wouldn't be sitting here now.

Well... can you honestly say you have tried everything?

I think we both... — no, no.

Not you.

You.

Do you make an effort with your husband?

Show him affection?

Entertain him, take an interest in his hobbies?

Well, does he do any of those things with me?

Men have more important matters to think about.

Isn't a woman important? — of course.

She is her husband's helpmate.

His consolation. She is his shelter, not his storm.

What if he is her storm?

Then she will draw on her reserves of feminine good temper

that make a wife blind to his faults.

You know what?

I must be...

A queer, crazy kind of wife!

Because when I

look at men, I see...

No! No, nothing but their faults.

Toinette.

Their pomposity...

Sit down. — their unwarranted, self—satisfied smugness

their clumsiness, their obsessions

their inability to show a modicum of love

or tenderness to their wives!

You go too far, toinette.

Marie: Yes, you're right.

It's a fault of mine.

Seems I have many, the greatest, greatest of which...

Was my stupidity

to have been born a woman.

I should have been a clock.

Or look, or... a horse.

Then". She whinnies

stop it!

Perhaps he would have taken an interest in me.

Marie: Said it's all my fault!

Yolande: All your fault?

Marie: That women are not important...

If only I had a baby to play with.

Everyone is watching my stomach, looking for a sign.

Give me a child and I'll never trouble you again.

She grunts

she gasps

she screams

apologise.

What for?

For being an ugly

unfuckable bitch.

He grunts

oh!

He groans stop!

Stop! Stop... he sobs

stop!

Apologise.

Apologise!

I'm sorry.

I could be as lovely as Helen of Troy

but you still wouldn't want to fuck me!

He gasps

He coughs and whimpers

lessons in marriage

from a man who's buried two wives.

What pearls of wisdom can he possibly impart?

Who knows? But he has made things a thousand times worse.

Keep up the good work.

It's all leverage for the divorce.

Yolande: What happened?

To his wives?

The first one fell in love with his sister.

She expired of unrequited love

and then the second one was so neglected

that she prayed for smallpox

and got it.

You...

Should consider your future, yolande.

When she goes, you'll be knocked off your perch.

Then you'll have to find some other way to support those men of yours.

There you are.

Laughter in distance

rumour has it that you are about to get divorced.

To my enemies.

Who can't wait to celebrate.

To you...

The only member of my French family who actually likes me.

You're mistaken.

Merely tolerate you.

Th ey laug h

when a ship is sinking, its flags keep flying.

Don't give your enemies the satisfaction of knowing they've won.

They'll know when I disappear

beneath the waves.

We all drown in the end, my love.

Now, the trick

is to go down...

In style.

They giggle

come on.

Baroque music plays — crowd applauds

shall we get some more champagne, please?

Indistinct chati'er

You came.

You said that you could help.

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. Come in.

Where is she?

She's on her way, I'll speed her along. Sit down, sit down.

Distant chatter

woman laughs

They laugh and chati'er

Again, again.

Why don't you join us?

Move.

Marie squeals

my brother Joseph, ladies and gentlemen! — come here!

Woo!

Come here. — she growls

how dare you humiliate me!

How dare you humiliate the king!

Go in.

She laughs

well, I can hardly humiliate someone who isn't here.

You know the problem with gamblers, toinette?

You think your luck will never run out.

Austria agrees to return all of the late Dauphine's jewels.

France agrees to return the queen's dowry

minus her gambling debts.

Austria will not accept any deductions.

France notes that the empress

has tightened her grip around her ambassador's balls.

I'd rather be manhandled by a powerful woman

than sit in the lap of a mute man—child.

He chuckles

that's one thing the queen won't miss

when she returns to Vienna.

Oh, you don't seriously think we'll be sending her home?

A prisoner of state.

You will remain in France.

But be deprived of your Liberty.

In jail?

Yes. — no.

Appropriate accommodation will be found.

I just wanna go home.

Why can't I go home?

Maurepas considers you a security risk.

You know too much, toinette.

She scoffs

I know nothing.

What will become of me?

This is a distraction.

There's no need for you to go there.

I want to see it.

Bell chimes

Birds fluti'er

Dove coos softly

Shall we conclude the negotiations?

Later?

Dear god, what do you do at night?

Cross—stitch?

Speak to me!

It hurts.

It hurts when he enters me.

Joseph: Oh...

Oh. Well, that's perfectly normal when sexual relations begin.

Do you arouse her?

Marie sighs

yolande says...

He's clueless.

You have screwed other women, right?

Oh. Well, verdammz'!

You must practice with someone who knows what she's doing!

A prostitute?

Why not?

A husband does not stray if he loves his wife.

Isn't it the custom for the king of France to have a mistress?

Look at your grandfather.

My father didn't betray my mother and I won't betray my wife.

The instructional items you requested, sire.

He clears his throat

thank you.

Uh, your investigation...

Has there been any progress?

White doves no longer flutter around the corridors of versailles.

I have hunted them into extinction. — and the perpetrator?

Have you hunted him down?

He has fled...

And taken his venomous pen with him.

I expect you to find him, beaumarchais.

I'm on the case, sire.

Door shuts

Door opens

she taps softly may I come in?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Door shuts — well...

She clears her throat

you said a man who loves his wife doesn't stray.

Louis, this man...

The one who loves his wife, is that you?

Who else would it be?

So you... do love me?

I have expressed my feelings in my own way

which I deeply regret.

So have you.

She laughs

I could have behaved...

Better.

So could I.

I am sorry for what I did.

No, you can't open that. — she giggles

you can't... no, that is my business...

Why not? — give it back to me, now.

What? Ah!

What is it?

It's nothing.

Let me see it. — no, uh, I'm...

I'm sorry, but...

Um... — why won't you show that to me?

Hmm?

What's in it?

Nothing.

Go on, let me see it.

Let me see it.

She gasps

Joseph is right, you should...

Learn from another woman.

No. No, I don't...

It's our only chance.

Indistinct chati'er and laughter

You're besotted with her.

She's my friend.

The queen of France doesn't have friends.

You're surrounded by parasites

and she is the biggest louse of them all.

Look at her.

She's having fun.

She's debauched. And she's related to maurepas.

You shouldn't be discussing your private life with her.

Victoire: That's not what I'm saying.

Don't be so unpleasant, please. — watch out, ladies.

Adelaide exclaims

oh! Good shot!

Thank you, Joseph!

Perfection!

Sycophant.

It's called "strategy". Try it sometime.

Start by ditching the polignac.

Then what?

Die of loneliness? — oh!

Why don't you rekindle your friendship with lamballe?

At least she's a Princess. If she'll have you.

You treat her like dirt.

Let's hope she doesn't bear a grudge.

Hey! — hey!

Joseph laughs

what's wrong with her?

Stop.

I think she did do that on purpose...

Sorry! — Joseph laughs

Marie: Stop laughing.

Hey... — stop!

He chuckles

she chuckles

I've been a terrible, terrible...

Terrible friend.

Can you forgive me?

It's you who should forgive me.

I've been a terrible superintendent.

No, you've always been so good to me.

Always.

I am full of sin, toinette.

She sniggers

I will pray for you from my convent.

They should be honoured to have you here.

That family doesn't deserve you.

I know.

What?

I know...

I'm going to arrange...

A musical soiree.

And...

You will sing at versailles.

Me? — yes.

She scoffs why me?

To show them that you don't care.

Joseph: In hasty response to your letter, ma

loan assure you that your fears are groundless.

Everything is proceeding precisely to plan.

There will be no divorce.

Mercy has got the measure of maurepas.

The negotiations have ground to a halt.

The king is taking constructive steps

to wards consummating his marriage with your daughter.

He only needs a little guidance

but everything is in hand.

Woman moans — distant thuds

woman gasps

sheep baa in distance

distant thudding and moaning continue

Joseph: I am confident that with a little Patience...

Very good.

Almost there.

Joseph: We will achieve a happy ending.

Woman wails

"While the king plays away

the queen performs cunnilingus

in her lady's chamber."

Maurepas: Ah.

Are you going to celebrate with me?

Door opens

oh, come on.

Are you really going to let her rot in that convent?

You've been around for long enough, mercy.

There are more unpleasant endings for a former queen.

I won't drink to any of them.

Door shuts

she yawns

can we admit that you're beating a dead horse?

Oh, a dead mouse.

He's hiding from your hideous face.

Could you stop staring?

Does that help?

Maybe you're a soft man

with a soft tool

who can only make babies out of soft furnishings.

Cushions.

Priest speaks Latin

indistinct whisper

Have you been working hard at your lessons?

Can you tell?

Yes.

How are you getting on?

Um... it's like learning to ride.

Just when you think you've got your balance

you're instructed to increase the tempo.

She giggles

have you risen to a trot?

Actually, I have started to canter.

They chuckle

Marie giggles

priest continues in Latin

they seem very jolly.

Any, um... reason?

I wouldn't know.

She's been avoiding me.

Sister! Sister!

An invitation from lamballe to a musical soiree.

It's on behalf of the ostrich bitch.

Oh!

I had no idea.

She laughs

we Austrians adore concerts.

Lowkey, of course.

Herr Mozart entertaining the family with his famous ditties.

Doesn't France have someone

who would give him a run for his money?

May I pass, please?

May I pass, please?

I am still the queen.

Yes, but for how much longer?

I thank you kindly.

You do know it's them, not us?

They chuckle

quickly, this way.

String group plays

man coughs

Isn't he magnificent?

G u ests applaud

this is an insult.

Sit down.

No, I will not sit down.

Sit down.

Marie sings in French

He mouths

Bravo!

He hums tune from the concert

I threw saint—georges out.

How dare he come back!

We invited him.

We? — my wife and I.

Marie: Which one's me?

The fat one.

Th ey laug h

and those little ones

are my nephews running in the sunshine.

Marie: I have sons?

Yeah! An heir and two spares.

Joseph one, two and three.

Though number three's worryingly wispy.

What if I can't do it?

Do what?

Have sex with Louis?

Well, you know what ma would say.

"Failure is not an option!"

"Heirs and world domination are what we habsburgs do."

He laughs

so...

Where are you off to next, Joseph?

It's a mountainous region of little importance.

My second wife was a bavarian Princess.

She left her territories to me.

Well, if they're already yours

why exactly do you want to invade?

No one else seems to believe they're mine, least of all prussia.

Anyway, I prefer to call it rectification.

Louis...

Can I rely on your military support?

I'll... I'll think about it.

Don't take too long, my friend.

Oh. In the meantime, you might want to do something about this.

The pavilion, ten minutes?

Alright, see you there.

Door shuts

so...

He finally went in for the kill.

No more than we expected.

Now... all that's required

is your signature.

Then we can say goodbye to Austria

and find you a suitable wife.

I think you'll find it's all...

Favourable to our side.

Excuse me.

Door slams

Door opens

door shuts

Where is he?

He said he would be here.

What do you think we should do?

Baroque music plays

mercy.

She gasps

She moans

Baroque music continues

Oh... you did well, Joseph.

She has performed her duty.

Not quite.

One usually follows the other.

Not necessarily.

Shall we discuss Bavaria?

Not now.