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1
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Oh, good evening.
2
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I'm sure there's a question in
everyone's mind.
3
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You're all wondering how I have managed
to overcome the help problem.
4
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The secret lies in offering fringe
benefits, on -the -job training, things
5
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:45,419
like that.
6
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These items don't cost much, and what I
spend on them I save on costumes.
7
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Seriously, this is certainly not an
honest picture of life in Hollywood.
8
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We do believe in being comfortable while
we work, but we never eat grapes during
9
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business hours.
10
00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:11,249
Tonight's story is entitled The Greatest
Monster of Them All, which certainly
11
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should be a cue for the sponsor to...
12
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Shut it off.
13
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Can't you see I'm reading?
14
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What's the matter, huh?
15
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There's got to be silence every time you
stick your nose in the racing form?
16
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This isn't a racing form, Morty. This is
a book on... You should excuse the
17
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expression. Entomology.
18
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Ento -what?
19
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Entomology, stupid.
20
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The study of insects.
21
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Insects? I don't get it. Neither do I.
But I will.
22
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Gotta find me a book.
23
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So for this you need a book?
24
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Please.
25
00:02:13,740 --> 00:02:16,090
Morning, Mr. Barlow. Morning. Take a
look around.
26
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The joint is full of bombs.
27
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The fine movie studio you rented.
28
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When they built this place, Lionel
Barrymore was playing juveniles.
29
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Never mind how it looks. I'm getting it
cheap.
30
00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:32,480
You get everything cheap, Boris.
31
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This I got to hand you. When it comes to
cheap, you're a genius.
32
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Yes, every day in every way.
33
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Forty grand this one cost you, and it
grossed over a half a million.
34
00:02:47,390 --> 00:02:50,410
Well, like I say, pure genius. Knock it
off.
35
00:02:50,690 --> 00:02:51,740
Find me a bug.
36
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So what do you need a bug for?
37
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For the next movie, stupid.
38
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Bug the box office.
39
00:02:57,630 --> 00:03:00,760
You want to make a monster movie today?
You've got to have a bug.
40
00:03:01,330 --> 00:03:04,010
You mean like a giant spider?
41
00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:07,330
Or a scorpion, huh?
42
00:03:08,490 --> 00:03:10,690
Sure. Only they've all been used.
43
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I needed no one.
44
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Say, how about a giant cockroach?
45
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:18,830
Not bad.
46
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,360
Not bad at all.
47
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No, I couldn't.
48
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It ain't in good taste.
49
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So let Logan dream up something.
50
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He's your writer, isn't he?
51
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That Rummy.
52
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Didn't he almost win an Oscar once?
53
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He used to be a real artsy -craftsy.
54
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All I know is he works cheap.
55
00:03:43,630 --> 00:03:44,680
Oh.
56
00:03:46,730 --> 00:03:48,730
Oh, Freddy boy.
57
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We've just been dropping your name.
58
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How clumsy.
59
00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:54,970
Hey, you loaded?
60
00:03:55,950 --> 00:03:57,110
No, of course not.
61
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I never drink on the job.
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Only after.
63
00:04:02,190 --> 00:04:03,330
So you're on the job.
64
00:04:04,630 --> 00:04:06,010
Show me the pages.
65
00:04:06,011 --> 00:04:09,949
Well, I haven't been able to do anything
yet, Mr. Ballou. You said you'd have to
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decide on a giant insect.
67
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,160
That's what's bugging him.
68
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Get it? Shut up.
69
00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:18,019
Look, you're such a hotshot writer.
70
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You find me a monster bug.
71
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:21,740
That's your business.
72
00:04:21,741 --> 00:04:24,479
Yeah, I guess you're right. That's my
business, all right? Fred Logan, boy
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monster bug finder. Never mind with the
sarcasm. All I want out of you is
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script. All right, so sue me. I haven't
been able to think of a new type bug.
75
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,240
All right, so never mind the bug.
76
00:04:36,390 --> 00:04:38,370
Let's pray for the high school audience.
77
00:04:38,371 --> 00:04:41,249
You mean you want to change it to an
adolescent theme now?
78
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:44,310
No. Like I said, high school kids.
79
00:04:44,770 --> 00:04:45,970
What do you say, Logan?
80
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Think you can come up with a high school
background?
81
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We got all those kids, young, full of
life.
82
00:04:56,030 --> 00:04:57,250
Pray them against death.
83
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Find me an angle.
84
00:05:01,430 --> 00:05:02,480
Okay.
85
00:05:02,730 --> 00:05:03,790
I think I can.
86
00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:06,430
Ernst von Croft.
87
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,920
Ernst von Croft, the greatest monster of
them all.
88
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Sure, I remember.
89
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,280
That's how they used to bill him back in
the 30s.
90
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,840
Haven't seen him around for years.
91
00:05:27,841 --> 00:05:30,599
He's been in retirement lately, Hal, but
this could make a great comeback
92
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vehicle for him.
93
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,380
Sure, that's the bit.
94
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,850
Milk it to publicity.
95
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,380
He's too old to act.
96
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:38,770
Who cares?
97
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:40,839
He's still a big name in the horror
department.
98
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,580
I bet I can get him cheap.
99
00:05:42,581 --> 00:05:45,479
Look, Morty, you wouldn't have to use
him throughout the picture, see? Just in
100
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:46,530
one or two key scenes.
101
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You give me the treatment.
102
00:05:48,820 --> 00:05:50,860
I'll take care of Ernst von Koft.
103
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,700
Now we got something working for us.
104
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:56,720
Darling, they're playing our song.
105
00:06:08,140 --> 00:06:10,310
There's somebody I'd like to have you
meet.
106
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,400
Have you got a surprise?
107
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,050
Morty Linton?
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This is Heinz von Croft.
109
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A great pleasure, Mr. Linton.
110
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Morty is the name.
111
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We don't go for the formal bit around
here. Just one big happy family.
112
00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:31,110
Eh, Hal?
113
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You make with the acting, I make with
the directing, and no problem, see?
114
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Our main idea is to bring in a picture
as... Quickly as possible. The less we
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take, the better. And cheaper, too.
116
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Oh, I quite understand.
117
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Ah, things have changed since the last
time I worked in this studio.
118
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I made some of my biggest pictures here.
Yeah, sure.
119
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Of course, you might as well get one
thing straight right now, Mr. Von Kraft.
120
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This isn't exactly going to be a big
picture.
121
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:06,140
Strictly a low -budget deal. But it can
be a very good picture, Mr. Lenton.
122
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,560
Great films are not made with money.
123
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They are made with love, with care, with
integrity.
124
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And together, we can create a horror
picture in the great tradition.
125
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Not with a writer we got.
126
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,320
He ain't no Edgar Albert Poe.
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Writers like Poe we can't afford anyway.
128
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,380
Times change, Mr. Fondroth.
129
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Do they?
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Gentlemen, in this very studio, 30 years
ago, I played a monster.
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I can make that monster walk again.
132
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Fine!
133
00:07:55,730 --> 00:07:57,250
Marvelous! Bravo!
134
00:07:58,230 --> 00:08:02,930
That was wonderful, Mr. Farncroft! Don't
you agree, Maurice? Yes, sure!
135
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:06,580
Bravo! I've been thinking about my
characterization.
136
00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:11,160
There are a few touches I might add. I'd
like to use my own makeup.
137
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,440
Wonderful. Go ahead. Maybe you could
play it without teeth.
138
00:08:14,740 --> 00:08:15,820
A toothless vampire?
139
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,210
Wouldn't that be a little odd, Mr.
Linton?
140
00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:21,520
That Maury is always in there with the
rib.
141
00:08:21,860 --> 00:08:23,500
You go ahead, Mr. Moncroft.
142
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,960
Wake on makeup any way you like.
143
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Mind waiting for me in the makeup room?
I've got a few things to go over with
144
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Maury. Only take a minute.
145
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Maury!
146
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I told you to let me run a test on him
first. This guy is strictly cornball.
147
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when he did the monster for us, it was
hell.
148
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Don't tell me you went for a speech
about the great tradition and all that
149
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You want the picture that's a solid
grocer, not one of them cockamamie arts.
150
00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:00,750
All right, Morty, all right.
151
00:09:00,810 --> 00:09:01,910
Do it your way.
152
00:09:02,790 --> 00:09:04,130
You haven't missed yet.
153
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,140
coffee. Well, good morning. Morning.
154
00:09:27,141 --> 00:09:30,159
You're looking very well this morning.
Let me see your makeup, darling. Oh,
155
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,319
wonderful, wonderful. Eddie!
156
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,860
Yeah? Just a minute, Morty.
157
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,700
Come on, Lara. Bye -bye.
158
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More fangs.
159
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,000
Yes, Master.
160
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I've been waiting for you, boy.
161
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Got that new dialogue for this scene?
162
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,560
Mm -hmm. Right here. Let me see.
163
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,610
Okay. Lara, darling, you and Pops run
through these changes.
164
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Go ahead.
165
00:10:02,140 --> 00:10:03,380
Mr. Von Croft.
166
00:10:22,570 --> 00:10:23,620
Mr. Von Croft.
167
00:10:24,030 --> 00:10:25,170
Here I am.
168
00:10:31,310 --> 00:10:33,350
Don't be afraid, my dear.
169
00:10:34,270 --> 00:10:36,730
There's no need to be afraid of me.
170
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,950
You smell of death.
171
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,730
Death? I bring you life.
172
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:56,840
kiss, and you shall join me to live
forever.
173
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,570
No, no!
174
00:10:58,640 --> 00:10:59,900
No, please, no!
175
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,170
No!
176
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,360
Okay, you got the idea.
177
00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:14,999
Do you think it'll play, Freddy boy? Oh,
I think that Mr. Von Croft could
178
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,350
inspire terror just by reciting the
alphabet.
179
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,760
You two don't know each other, do you?
This is Fred Logan.
180
00:11:20,761 --> 00:11:21,889
at the screenplay.
181
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:23,550
Very fine job, Mr. Logan.
182
00:11:23,551 --> 00:11:24,709
Look, Mr.
183
00:11:24,710 --> 00:11:28,630
VanCraft, you and Lara go over it again
and think up some business, huh? Yes.
184
00:11:29,410 --> 00:11:30,460
You like?
185
00:11:30,950 --> 00:11:32,210
VanCraft? He looks great.
186
00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:33,870
Oh, never mind him. I mean the set.
187
00:11:34,030 --> 00:11:35,080
Oh, the set. Oh.
188
00:11:35,081 --> 00:11:38,429
Oh, well, that dummy up there, Morty,
that looks pretty funny.
189
00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:40,290
You know how the boss is about money.
190
00:11:40,490 --> 00:11:44,220
You want he should pay 50 bucks to some
stuntman just to hang there all day?
191
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:49,450
Morty, these changes you had me make in
the scene, why all this dialogue?
192
00:11:49,451 --> 00:11:51,959
I thought it would play better with just
action.
193
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,090
Never mind what you thought. I want some
close shots of Uncraft.
194
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,060
Why? It doesn't make any sense.
195
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,450
I ain't asking for opinions. What I want
is cooperation.
196
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,960
You better give it to me, Freddy boy.
197
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,280
If you want to keep on eating.
198
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,300
Stand over next to the grave.
199
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,720
No, no, no. Not like that. You're
supposed to be a high school kid.
200
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:32,810
Like this.
201
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,680
You're out in a graveyard alone at
midnight.
202
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:40,310
Big deal.
203
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,960
The world is a girl doing in a graveyard
at midnight and alone yet.
204
00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:47,120
Just do like the script calls for.
205
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,240
And will you get rid of that gum?
206
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:52,750
Yes, master.
207
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:57,959
Now, Mr. Van Craft, when she discovers
you in this scene, you are lying in the
208
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,480
coffin. Would you mind just trying it
for size?
209
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:17,900
How does it feel?
210
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,040
Oh, yes, Mr. Linton.
211
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,680
This will be a great...
212
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,440
time, O .C.? Not since you wrapped up
the picture.
213
00:13:52,710 --> 00:13:54,450
How'd you like to write me another?
214
00:13:54,670 --> 00:13:55,720
I wouldn't.
215
00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:57,220
We'll see.
216
00:13:57,750 --> 00:13:59,230
Come, let me pour you a drink.
217
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:03,010
I figure we can bring in a sequel fast
and cheap.
218
00:14:03,270 --> 00:14:08,069
I haven't struck the graveyard set. We
can get Lara Lee and old, uh, what's his
219
00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:09,290
name? Uh, Von Croft.
220
00:14:09,291 --> 00:14:10,829
How is he?
221
00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:12,850
Uh, I haven't seen him.
222
00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:16,520
Gave him a ring tonight, told him to
catch the pic down the street.
223
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,790
We're opening cold to the neighbors all
over town. I haven't seen it yet myself.
224
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:22,110
Maury did a great job.
225
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:23,640
That's why I called you.
226
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:26,160
Hustle over and see it and take notes.
227
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,650
Notes? Are you kidding? This is Friday
night.
228
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:30,020
Great kid audience.
229
00:14:30,021 --> 00:14:34,099
Everything that sets them off, you make
a note of it. Do a scene just like it in
230
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:34,779
the sequel.
231
00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:36,220
Aren't you going to be there?
232
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,040
Are you kidding?
233
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,120
I got a weak stomach.
234
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:42,700
Maury is coming here later.
235
00:14:42,980 --> 00:14:45,260
We look over the sets, see what they can
save.
236
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,400
So hurry over and catch the show.
237
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:50,820
And remember, I want lots of notes.
238
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,180
There's no need to be afraid of me.
239
00:18:09,550 --> 00:18:10,600
It helps me.
240
00:18:11,110 --> 00:18:12,160
Helps me.
241
00:18:13,910 --> 00:18:14,960
Do you mind?
242
00:18:22,050 --> 00:18:27,230
The reason I came over here, came to see
you,
243
00:18:27,330 --> 00:18:32,370
I want to explain.
244
00:18:33,170 --> 00:18:36,370
I've been sitting here ever since I came
home.
245
00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:43,930
Forget about it. That's my advice.
246
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:47,150
They did it deliberately.
247
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:49,160
Why?
248
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:50,960
Why?
249
00:18:52,070 --> 00:18:58,889
Your friend, the director, was so
convincing, said he needed all those
250
00:18:58,890 --> 00:19:00,670
-ups of me, and you agreed.
251
00:19:07,031 --> 00:19:14,279
somebody else's voice to make me look
like a fool. Well, I had nothing to do
252
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,330
with it, so help me.
253
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:19,480
How could he do such a thing to me? Oh,
now, look, don't take it so hard.
254
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,020
There'll be other chances, other
pictures.
255
00:19:23,020 --> 00:19:25,660
Not after what Morty Lenton has done to
me.
256
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,460
I went to the theater expecting to see
my comeback.
257
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,460
Instead, I found myself attending my own
funeral.
258
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,560
That's right, my friend. Drink a toast.
259
00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:46,610
Funcraft, the greatest laughingstock of
them all.
260
00:19:48,410 --> 00:19:50,990
May he rest in peace.
261
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,380
The voice of death. Sure, sure, I
remember.
262
00:20:15,820 --> 00:20:19,760
And these, the rappings when I played
the mummy. Oh, great.
263
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,130
The greatest.
264
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,040
I saw it when I was a kid.
265
00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:27,160
You didn't laugh at me then, did you?
No.
266
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,020
No, nobody laughed at you then.
267
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:31,780
You were a monster.
268
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,580
You were the monster.
269
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,490
Von Krofft.
270
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,220
You're... You're strong.
271
00:22:09,670 --> 00:22:16,669
No. What the
272
00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:17,720
hell?
273
00:22:18,650 --> 00:22:20,190
Help me.
274
00:22:20,790 --> 00:22:22,370
Something comes.
275
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,420
I tried to stop him.
276
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,460
He knocked me down.
277
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,640
I hit my head.
278
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,520
Where? Where is he?
279
00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:35,020
I don't know.
280
00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:37,820
But you've got to find him.
281
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:40,610
But...
282
00:22:53,980 --> 00:22:55,030
Yeah.
283
00:22:57,380 --> 00:22:59,500
That's how he killed Morty.
284
00:23:04,380 --> 00:23:07,360
I don't understand this vampire bit.
285
00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:10,300
What was he trying to prove?
286
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:15,080
Something we should have remembered all
along, Hal.
287
00:23:16,660 --> 00:23:21,320
He was the greatest monster of them all.
288
00:23:34,090 --> 00:23:36,990
Obviously, the lesson of that story is
quite clear.
289
00:23:37,350 --> 00:23:42,950
One should be careful what friends you
hang around with, as in this business.
290
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:48,510
These girls are very carefully screened.
291
00:23:49,390 --> 00:23:55,069
The one here, for example, the one
lighting my pipe, she and I do not hit
292
00:23:55,070 --> 00:23:57,850
off. She won't be here long.
293
00:23:58,970 --> 00:24:00,150
See you in a moment.
294
00:24:15,150 --> 00:24:17,550
Until next week, good night.
295
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:22,150
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