Original subtitles

Mom, can I have some money for new clothes?

Honey, I just bought you a bunch of new stuff.

That was all the little kid stuff you liked. Yeah, he wants to look hip for

new crush, Hot Megan.

Oh, who's Hot Megan? Oh, she's this freshman with, like, these huge... Um,

anyways, this perv cannot stop staring at them. Shut up.

Oh, you love her.

You want to marry her.

They don't want to have her babies.

Hi, Pop.

Well, they were doing it. It sounded like fun.

Look, I'll take you shopping this afternoon. I'm sure I can help you find

something that this Megan will like. Oh, yeah, Mom. I'm sure she's into sailor

suits and saddle shoes.

Mom, I think I'm old enough to shop by myself.

But I always take you shopping. And we have so much fun.

Besides, I am hip enough to pick you out some fly gear.

Mom, you're white and over 40. Don't.

So, you're all grown up?

You don't need your mom anymore?

Mom, you know that's not true.

I need your credit card.

Ah, here he comes, Mr. Full -Time Teacher.

No longer a sub, he's a full -fledged teacher. You got that right.

He's not teaching English, is he?

You know, I get vacation, paid sick days, my own parking space, and I

get to hang out in the teacher's lab.

You've never been in the teacher's lounge?

No way, they're super strict about it. No subs, no students, teachers only.

Uh, I've been in there. Me too.

Well, even I've been in there.

Well, they were doing it. It sounded like fun.

Don't pay any attention to them.

Besides, we got you a little something in honor of your first day.

Ooh, new suit, new briefcase, maybe a speedboat?

Ah.

World's greatest teacher.

Then that's what I'll be.

Although I kind of wanted a speedboat.

Hell, even I've got a speedboat.

It'll look like fun.

Well, this is the teacher's lounge.

Whoa!

It's excellent. Oh, my God. Look at that donut!

Coffee!

Ooh, those free stir thingies.

Yeah, well, it's home.

Yeah, oh, water cooler.

I can have water cooler talk. Oh, we're having water cooler talk.

Oh, good. Everybody, could you come on in, and can I have your attention,

please? For those of you who have not met our newest faculty member, my

nephew, C .J. Barnes.

What's up?

I am so proud of you.

Oh, no, the saliva, keep that at home, all right?

Have fun.

Fine, fine.

Anyone see Desperate Housewives last night?

Who hasn't killed someone on that show? I'm not kidding.

Must be nice to know people in high places, like the school nurse.

Listen, she may have opened a few doors to get me the job, but she didn't take

all the urine tests.

C .J. Barnes, how's it going?

Mr. Edwards.

So, what do you teach here, Mr. Ed?

Like the horse, of course.

I've been the home ec teacher here for 17 years.

You're the home ec teacher.

Do you bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan?

I don't have a TV.

So you're the funny guy, huh?

Class clown?

Well, I prefer Mayor Snappy Town, but, uh, class clown will do.

You know, I don't like your type.

Never have.

Never will.

Okay, you know what? I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot.

Hey, what? I picked a great cup of coffee.

Let me get you a cup.

Oh.

I broke some chick's fruity little puppy mug.

First day.

That was mine.

Of course it was.

You know, tomorrow, you and I are going to laugh about this at the water cooler.

You broke Edward's coffee mug? It was an accident.

The one with the puppy?

Everyone knows his daughter made that mug right before his ex -wife went

and took her to California.

That sounds like a great first day.

It's like high school all over again. Why do I always get picked on?

Because bullies always go for the weakest of the herd.

They pick on the most defenseless of the bunch. They will zero right in on the

puniest... CJ, I should have told you to stay away from Marion Edwards. He is

not... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

His name's Mary?

Yeah, point that out. That'll win him over.

Now, look, just...

out of his way and he won't bother you. Katie, that's the dumbest thing I've

ever heard. And I share a room with him.

Where are you going with this?

Stand up this jerk now or he'll be on your case forever.

What? You've got to get right back in Mary's face. Marry him.

Whatever.

This is ridiculous.

That guy will kill CJ.

I know.

Grandpa makes a lot of sense.

He wants me dead so he can have the basement all to himself.

Only one problem with your plan, old man.

I'm chicken.

What are you wearing?

The new clothes I bought.

Look out, ladies.

Look out for the ugliest shirt on the planet.

What are you doing with the glasses? You don't wear glasses. They make me look

older and more sophisticated. They make you look like Harry Potter.

Shut up.

Can you say that with a British accent?

Rory, I can still take you shopping if you want me to. Look, I don't care what

any of you guys think. I like it, and I'm wearing it to school tomorrow. Oh,

no, no, no, no. You are not stepping foot in our school dressed like that.

Well, what do you care?

Because, unfortunately, due to some drunken night 15 years ago, you're my

brother.

And when you walk those halls, you represent me. Now, Mom, give me your

card. For what?

Potter, grab your broomstick. We're going back to the mall.

Oh.

Sorry to interrupt.

What are you doing?

I'm eating lunch.

On the water fountain?

Well, it's very convenient.

It's the right height. Got my drink right here.

Oh.

I see.

Edwards is in there. Edwards is in there?

I didn't know that. You know, CJ, when I told you to avoid him, I meant just

stay out of his hair. Not this.

You have every right to be in that teacher's lounge.

I know, I know.

Fine, fine, I'll go.

Come on, I'll walk you in. No.

I can do it alone. You're not my mommy.

All right, fine.

Let go.

I did.

Hold on a second.

Like it here better?

All right.

Who took the last cranberry muffin?

I thought they were for everybody.

Everybody but the class clown.

There, you're going to roast her up.

No, I think you better leave.

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, what are you, going to kick me out of the lounge?

You know, I'm not even sure you have the authority to kick me.

Why do I need a makeover? I got the new clothes.

Tell him why, Carrie. Because Bridget says so.

Wax strip, wax strip.

Poor strip, poor strip.

Uh, is this gonna hurt?

Not at all.

Restrain him.

for the poor strip. Is this going to hurt?

Not at all.

Restrain him.

Ow!

I'm out of here. Carrie, tell him why he shouldn't leave.

Huh, Megan?

Oh, hello, Mr.

Nosehair.

Tweezers. Tweezers.

Restrain him.

What are they doing up there?

He's a little brother. Whatever it is, I'm sure he deserves it.

Maybe I should go help him. He can fight his own battle.

There.

It stopped.

He's probably unconscious.

I hate school.

I'm never going back and you can't make me.

Trouble with Meredith?

Marion! Whatever.

Kick me out of teacher's lunch.

What? And I didn't do a thing.

Well, like I said, the weakest of the herd get pushed away from the waterhole.

Stop angling for the basement, Grandpa.

I'm going to go pick a muffin out of my underpants.

Don't tell us everything you do.

T .J., wait.

Oh.

This is insane. He can't ban somebody from the teacher's lounge. I'm going to

talk to that bully.

Why don't you just call his mother?

Better. Call Katie.

You're not his mommy. He's a 35 -year -old man.

I just don't want him to get hurt.

Well, he can handle his own problems.

Darn it, there's a cranberry I can't get at.

What? You want to be his mother? Go.

Mr.

Edwards, what are you doing here?

Did you want to talk to me about something?

No.

Burned my hand taking an apple cobbler out of the oven.

Maybe you should wear oven mitts.

Eh, for wimps.

Yeah, and people who want fingerprints.

Nice mug.

Thanks. You're not too hard on the eyes yourself.

I meant the coffee mug.

Where'd you get it?

It was a gift.

Yeah. A gift from me.

You took it from my nephew.

He broke my... puppy mug. By accident.

And then you kicked him out of the teacher's lounge. Sit down.

Now look, C .J. has waited a long time for that job and, odd as it may seem, he

loves that teacher's lounge.

Why do you have to be such a bully?

I'm a six foot two inch home ec teacher named Marion.

You do the math.

Well, it's time to get over it, Marion.

Because C .J. is going into that teacher's lounge and you are going to

alone.

with your frustration.

Aunt Kate, yeah, um, did you by any chance have a conversation with the

man?

Yes, C .J., dinner's ready.

Good Lord, son, why don't you just put on a dress and call it a day?

Dad, I'll handle this.

Girl, what have you done to your brother?

Mom, I don't need you to stick up for me. They're making me beautiful.

Kind of a long process, isn't it?

All right, here he comes. Now, no flagpole comments.

Hey, CJ, glad you came up.

Made your favorite mac and cheese.

I'll eat your food, but I'm not talking to you.

Look, I am sorry I talked to Edwards.

I was just trying to defend you.

Well, it's like I said, the weakest of the herd. Can we just eat?

To restart, Bridget and I would like to say a few words.

I pledge allegiance to the CJ. Girl.

No, they're right.

All I am now is the doofus on the flagpole.

You are not the doofus on the flagpole. Uh, yeah, I is. It's on the internet.

Yeah, it's at www .doofusontheflagpole .com.

Dot net. Dot org. Whatever.

Search doofus on the flagpole.

It's all your fault.

Yeah, Mom. Flag on the play.

Yeah. Listen, jolly green Hannibal Lecter, I wouldn't start with that.

All right, kids, just take your food and go upstairs.

Whatever. Fine.

Should my face be burning?

No, CJ.

No. Enough talk.

Time for Grandpa's plan. I'm going to throw down.

CJ, please. That's right. Time to throw down. It's go time.

You're going to fight it? Is that what that means?

He outweighs you by like a hundred pounds.

Well, then I better load up.

Nice work, Dad.

Oh, Katie, once PJ fans up that blowhard, he'll back down.

Maybe I'll get my own room.

I'm going to go tell CJ he shouldn't do this. You're doing it again.

Doing what? You're mothering it. I am. Of course you are.

You've been fighting his battle all week. You've been making his lunches for

him. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you weren't laying out his clothes for

every morning.

Oh, Katie.

Just the first day.

He wanted to wear baggy pants and a do -rag.

Oh, my God, Dad, you're right. What the hell am I doing?

Well, if you want my opinion, it might have something to do with a little boy

your life.

Goes by the name of Rory.

Rory? Why, because he won't go shopping with me? And he didn't need your help

with the girls.

He didn't talk to you about hotbagging. You know, he's hitting that age where he

needs to pull away from his mom.

Dad, I expect the kids to grow up.

Yeah, but he's your last one, and I'm not altogether sure you're ready to give

him up just yet.

So, you're saying I've turned to the...

Next most immature, needy member of the household?

CJ?

Well, we don't have a dog.

I miss my baby. Oh, come here, sweetheart.

Look, the point is, kids grow up, but we never stop parenting.

I mean, look what I'm doing right now.

Yeah. The thing is that you have to make them think you stopped.

Even though you're really just cutting down, it's kind of like smoking.

You told me you totally quit smoking.

Why don't we have a dog?

Is there anything I can pull this off? Rory, relax. You actually look like

boyfriend material. I mean, if I weren't your sister.

You know what I mean.

Oh, look, there's hot Megan. Okay, go talk to her. Make sure you look in her

eyes this time.

Hey, Megan.

How's it going?

Rory, is that you? Oh, my God, you look so... Well, my stupid sisters did it.

Cool. Under my direction.

I needed a change.

So, you really like it?

Oh, no doubt.

You know, most guys wouldn't dress like this. They'd be too scared of what

people would think.

Yeah, well, most guys aren't Rory Hennessey.

Listen, I'm going to that teacher's lounge no matter what. You stay out of

this time, all right?

Promise me you won't go in there.

Okay, I promise.

Oh, my God, he's wearing boxing gloves.

Those are oven mitts. Oh, my God, he's wearing oven mitts.

I'll be fine.

I told you not to come in here.

Look, you're the class bully, I'm the class clown, it's high school all over

again. But we're adults now.

Tell you what, why don't you respect my space, I'll respect yours, and

everybody's happy.

You know, I didn't really like that famous anus.

Famous what?

The cookies in the hair, Mrs. Fields.

Not that into it.

In fact, I'm not really crazy about your cookies at all.

Oops, grind in the carpet.

I'm going to pretend that that didn't happen. You can pretend all you want,

it did.

Problem is, I'm not scared of you anymore. So I might lounge in the lounge

whenever I feel like lounging.

Got that, Doughboy?

Oh, he gives up.

Classic bully walking away.

You know what? If you can't stand the heat, you got to get out of the kitchen.

Al, take it easy.

Wow, that lump is gigantic.

Yeah, well, you should see the other guy.

I did.

Not a scratch on him.

Well, he's emotionally scarred.

That's worse. My words are like ninja throwing stars.

Hey, hey, look at this.

No, before you start, this is nursing, not mothering.

You actually bought him?

No. He made me eat a dozen cookies off the floor and I bumped my head getting

up.

I'm sorry, James. I only ate ten.

Yeah.

You know what? It was worth it, though.

Probably get them off my case for good.

Plus, they were delicious. The man baked the night cookie.

Well, I'm just glad you're okay in this old... Stupid thing is over.

Well, it might be over for CJ, but I know guys like Edwards. He'll just find

another victim, some pitiful sap who'd never stand up to him in a million

Nice frosted hair, Hennessy.

Where'd you get that done?

The beauty salon?