Original subtitles

Look at you.

You don't normally wear a suit unless you're appearing before a judge.

That's his other suit.

Our CJ has an interview for a full -time teaching job.

You? Physician opened up when Mr. Weber got caught in the teacher's lounge with

the lunch lady.

Mr. Krasnick? Once you get past the hair night and the ketchup stage, there's

something there.

Yeah, the school board wouldn't be meeting with you if you hadn't impressed

them, and I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm proud of you, CJ.

Don't you make me cry.

No, I'm going to get all puffy for my interview.

Is he okay?

Yeah, just pre -interview jitters. Boy, I hope he gets that job.

He just loves teaching.

It's actually been great for him.

Yeah, you know, he's got his act together.

I've been thinking.

I want to give you this car.

Oh, my God, Dad.

He's desperate for a car. He'll love that.

You all right with that, Rory?

Well, it seems only fair, given how much hard work CJ put into fixing it up.

Oh, wait, that was me.

Come on, Rory. Can't you just do something nice for CJ? He's always doing

things for you.

Here, hold this till I get back.

Well, I better go. Don't want to be late for my...

Big interview.

Oh, look at you, Mr.

Responsible. Must face it, Katie, our little DJ is all grown up.

See you later.

So unfair, Bridget. I know you can hear me.

Lord knows the rest of us can.

What's going on?

Oh, just the latest episode of Carrie's Life Sucks, but Bridget's great.

Sounds like a rerun.

She's just mad I won this MP3 player on a radio contest. You weren't even trying

to call the radio station. She dials the wrong number and wins.

Meanwhile, I have been saving for months for an MP3 player. Why does everything

good happen to her?

Not everything good. I got you as a sister.

Hey, when did that call come in? Why doesn't anybody check the messages?

I never notice when that thing rings anymore. It's never anything important.

You know, someone selling insurance or someone calling for Carrie.

Hello, this message is for CJ Barnes.

CJ, you don't know me, but I'm your father.

Your biological father.

Or CJ's biological father.

CJ, you don't know me, but I'm your father.

Your biological father.

I know this is a shock, but I'm going to be in the area today, and I thought

maybe we could finally meet each other.

I hope that's okay.

I'll come by about five.

I didn't know CJ had a biological father.

You thought he just, like, hatched?

I mean a father different from the one that raised him.

Well, it's something he doesn't really talk about much. And why should he? The

jerk had a one -night stand with your sister, my daughter.

And then he finds out she's pregnant, blows town, never to be heard from

Until now.

Oh, my God.

The music just got real dramatic when you said that.

How bad did you mess up his face?

I never met the weasel. But if he thinks he's going to waltz back into C .J.'s

life, I've got a government -issued 45 that says different.

Dad, don't you think that's C .J.'s decision?

Why? He doesn't have a 45.

Grandpa, weren't you supposed to give yours back after the war? Shush!

Didn't he say that he was coming at five? That's in two minutes. Oh, my God.

don't know what we should do.

We better break it.

What?

C .J., you better sit down.

Oh, I knew what the school called. I didn't get the job.

That's not it.

I got the job?

No. I didn't get the job. Well, you don't understand. I got the job?

Well, it's not something that you just blurt out, unless you absolutely have

Uh, C .J., your biological father called, and he wants to meet you.

In fact, that's him right now.

Uh -huh.

Are you okay?

Why, what should I be?

Shocked? I always knew this moment would come someday.

Curious? A little?

Can I tell you one thing?

I feel nothing more for the man on the other side of this door than I would

any... stranger I met for the first time.

T .J. Barnes? Daddy!

T .J., you've always been my idol.

Would you please sign the last sentence, sir?

Oh, sign?

Oh.

Oh, hi. Yes, sure. Thank you. Thank you.

Well,

that was embarrassing.

he wasn't your dad.

No, it's just these tapes are supposed to come in a plain brown wrapper.

I guess I'm a little more emotional about seeing my father than I thought.

Well, that's totally understandable.

I set myself up to get hurt.

I just got to hope for the best and, you know, to deal myself to the worst.

All right, well, I'm ready for anything.

One of your playmates is here.

CJ? Yeah.

It's me.

I'm your father.

Rory, one of your playmates had sex with my mom.

Get anyone a drink. I'd love a glass of water. I'll get it for you. I'll help

you carry it.

You know, I'm sorry, but my girls are just the tiniest, the smallest.

They're nervous.

It's okay. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.

Let's just get this out in the open.

Really? You're not sensitive about... Please, I get comments all the time, as

you can imagine.

And you're okay with it? Oh, yeah. You get used to it.

If you could have seen the looks on your faces.

Especially you, CJ, when you found out that your biological father was a

celebrity.

What was that?

Lyle Overby, motivational speaker.

The late night infomercials.

My book, Life is Looking Up.

Wait a minute. If you didn't know I was famous, then what did you think I was

talking about?

through college posing a wedding cake.

You can bungee jump off a curb.

Hey!

It's funny when I say it.

Not cool when you say it.

Gotcha!

Oh, you people are easy.

P .S. kid, you're no giant sequoia yourself.

Listen,

uh... That's enough. I got to say something here.

You come in here telling jokes after you've been gone my whole life?

I mean, give me one good reason why I shouldn't tell you to leave right now.

Look, I don't blame you for being upset with me after what I did.

But I swore if I ever amounted to something, I would come and find you.

And to the power of positive thinking, I've achieved every goal I ever set for

myself.

Except earning your respect, CJ.

Won't you give me a chance to do that?

I think you better go.

Okay.

Gotcha!

Wow,

Dad, the car looks great.

Yeah. I think I'm going to give it to CJ today.

Maybe he can use it to run over Lyle.

Now, Dad, if C .J. is going to give him a chance, maybe we should, too. There's

just something about that character. I don't trust him as far as I can throw

him, which, by the way, is pretty far.

Now, look, I know you don't like him, but you shouldn't make jokes like that.

the bigger person.

Leave it alone.

There's just something about him. I mean, why did he show up now, anyway?

Looking good.

Yeah, yeah, not too bad for an old junker that some people said ought to be

the scrap heap. So, what are you and Lyle doing today?

Dad. Listen, I know you don't approve of me hanging out with Lyle.

Don't worry about what I think. I just want you to be happy, CJ.

As a matter of fact, I've got something for you. Close your eyes.

This isn't like the time you put your teeth in my hand.

You know, you're always talking about needing a better way to get around.

You know, I thought that... Oh, my God! Look at Lyle when he's driving!

Woo! You like sports cars, CJ?

What, are you kidding?

Cars are like women. I like them fast and automatic.

And I know I'm in trouble if I reach down and there's a stick.

You want to drive this, baby?

No way.

Isn't this a gotcha?

Whoa!

Alright, see ya, Grampy!

about that music player that Bridget won?

Because I'm getting a little tired of hearing how unfair your life is. Oh, my

life is not unfair. It's amazing.

Are you baked?

Empty out your backpack on the counter right now.

Yes, I'm high. I am high on the power of positive thinking.

I just started reading Lyle's autobiography, Short Happens.

myself. She's delusional.

I mean, I have so much going for me. I am pretty. I am smart. I've got

hair. A complete break with reality.

Hey, guys. How was your day?

Oh, it was your typical father -son outing.

Played some ball, hit on some chicks, ran from the cops, played some more

What's up?

School board. Yeah, this is us, TJ.

I wanted to say that your autobiography has really changed my life.

That means so much to me. If that book can help just one person, I consider it

success. Oh, well, it's going to do more than that. I'm going to lend it to all

my friends.

Whoa, what are you, the library?

Let them buy their own copies.

Well?

I got the job. I'm a full -time teacher now. Oh, terrific.

I knew you could do it. Whoa, whoa, let's think about this for a second.

better than that. You know what they say, those that can't do, teach.

And those that can't teach, teach high school.

What about those that can't reach?

That was a shot at me, wasn't it?

Yeah, and I've heard enough.

Dad. No, no.

C .J. worked hard to get that job. I'm not going to let this huckster talk him

out of it.

Yeah, C .J., you could do a lot worse than teaching.

You could do a lot better, too.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We could write a book. We could write it together.

How to connect with your long -lost child. Oh, for Christ's sake. Be my next

bestseller. You and me.

Well, it sounds like it would take you away from your new job.

Yeah, and I kind of like teaching.

You know, connecting with the kids.

You want to connect with kids? How about a million kids?

I'm going on this talk show tomorrow. You can come on with me and we'll

it. Wait, on TV?

Yeah. There wouldn't be any money in this for you, would there?

No, I do all this for free.

What if we make a couple of bucks? What's the harm?

Look, I'm not all about the money, but how much are you talking?

I'll tell you what the harm is. C .J.'s going to throw away a chance for a good

teaching job and go off chasing a pot of gold with you.

Is that a leprechaun crap?

You can't say anything around this guy.

Let's let C .J. decide.

Huh?

Four -star hotels.

Elaborate dinners.

First class travel.

CJ, I've always tried to steer you right.

Now, if you take the teaching job, you've got something that money can't

You'll have a sense of accomplishment, of dignity, of purpose.

Grandpa, you're going to be proud of me.

I'm going to be on TV!

All right!

I'll be on TV any minute.

Ah, good. Maybe they'll sing I Got You, Babe.

You know what's awesome?

Being a middle child.

Here we go.

I mean, it means I have love all around me.

You know what else is awesome?

Love. Okay, just stop it, all right? What? You know exactly what I'm talking

about. Stop being so freaking cheerful. It's driving me crazy.

What'll it take to make you stop? Do you want this? Here, fine. It's yours.

And that? People is the power of positive thinking.

Wow, this is great, Dad. The limo, the green room, and all the cheese you can

eat. And some in my pockets.

Well, get used to it, because it's nothing but first class from here on

Nice.

Here we go.

Okay, listen.

We want to make our reunion story as heartwarming as possible. Yeah. So we

want to play a little fast and loose with the facts.

Are you okay with that?

Are you kidding me? I get to ride in a limo, wear makeup, and lie? I feel like

the president.

Let's go.

And we're back.

Please welcome motivational speaker Lyle Overby and his son, C .J. Barnes.

Morning. Morning.

Hello. Hi.

Yes. Cheese?

No, thank you. Okay.

Well, it's quite a remarkable story you have to tell, Lyle.

That's right, Tracy.

C .J. here is my biological son.

And after years apart, we're reunited.

And it feels so good.

First of all, let's get the obvious issue out of the way.

You two must get a lot of comments when you go out together.

Ah, yes, about my hair.

He gets his blonde hair from his mom.

No, I mean... Well, you know... Gotcha!

Nice.

I understand you're writing a book about finding each other. Lyle, what was it

that struck you about meeting C .J. for the first time? Well, frankly, he was

kind of floundering. Oh, you're being kind. I was living in the back of a car.

The reason he was in such dire straits is because he never had a good positive

male role model. Fortunately, now that I'm around... Well, there's my

grandfather. God rest his soul.

He's still alive.

Well, technically.

He doesn't really recognize C .J. You know, I'm willing to play fast and

but... Fast and loose?

It'll all be in the book. We don't want to give everything away.

Well, I'd like to hear more about this grandfather.

Big drinker, very abusive. C .J. forgave him.

Anyway... Boy, I'd like to clear something up.

My grandfather's not abusive.

He gets cranky, and once he threatened me with a ladle because I took the last

cupcake. But Jim Egan is the most wise and honorable man and the best...

Role model anyone could ask for.

Okay. Let's talk about something else. My staff tells me that you sold the idea

for this book six months ago.

Six months?

You only came back to me so you could write a book?

Maybe we should go back to the grandfather.

Yeah, let's go back to grandfather.

He was right about you. And you know what? He was more of a dad to me than

ever were.

So any titles for the book? Yeah, you know what, Tracy? There's not going to

a book.

Sit down, C .J. Make me.

Son, I'm going to count to ten. I'll do it for you. One, two, oh.

Hey, Aunt Kate says dinner's almost ready.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I saw you on TV.

I appreciate you sticking up for me.

Sure.

So you're still proud of me?

Why wouldn't I be?

Well, a couple things.

Turned down the only respectable job offer I've ever had.

Dumped the family to hang out with a guy I've only known for a day and a half.

And got my ass kicked by a little person on national TV.

But not your finest moment.

Still, I gave as good as I got, huh?

No, no, you gave as good as you had.

I don't know, Grampy.

I always wanted to know my dad.

Then when he finally shows up, I guess I wanted it too much.

Well, we all make mistakes.

It takes a man of character to own up to them.

Well, thank you.

No, no, thank you.

It's been a long time since I laughed that hard.

Hey, hey, hey. You remember the other day I, uh...

I want to give you something.

Yeah. Well, the keys are in the ignition.

No, this... Are you kidding?

Well, it's not a sports car, but it runs like a charm, and I thought maybe you

and I could put the finishing touches on it together.

Oh, finishing touches. Can't Rory do that?

You want to take it out for a spin? Yeah, why?

This is weird.

What?

I just had to...

scary urge to give you a big hug yeah well last time anybody hugged this body

was your grandmother of course it turned out to be something more than a hug

it's all gone now

You know, you still throw like a girl.