Original subtitles

Oh, Grandpa.

Didn't know you were down here.

I've been down here ever since you went in the bathroom.

What is that, one of your mom's lingerie catalogs?

Yeah. Yeah, I think she was looking for that.

Oh, I was just thinking of getting her something for her birthday.

Oh, good idea.

Yeah, nothing says happy birthday, Mommy, like fancy underwear.

Grandpa. Hey, hey, I know what's going on.

teenage boy, magazine with lots of girls, locked door, it all adds up.

You're going to hell.

What? Oh, I'm just kidding, but even up, huh? I mean, even God took Sunday off.

Oh, my God.

What's all this?

Yeah, people keep bringing me stuff because of my broken leg. Oh, that's so

sweet. She got a laptop.

Yeah, but I gave it away. What am I going to do with a computer?

Oh, my God.

Look at this woman hanging all over Prince William Gibb. What, did she lose

bet or something?

Yeah?

Kate! Hi.

My friend.

I never expected to see you here.

At school, where we both work? Yes, school, of course.

Hi, I'm Kate.

Kate, yes, this is Cheryl, also my friend.

Friend?

After last night, we were very good friends. We're very good enemies.

Oh, my God, look at the time.

So, this is the new girlfriend.

How'd you guys meet?

Actually, Cheryl was the receptionist at my divorce lawyer's office.

Yeah, I guess you could say I used to file his briefs, but now I... Yeah,

I think I get it. No, no, no, really, I...

Here's the bell. Well, we should be off.

Is that his new girlfriend?

Well, yeah.

I don't believe it. Is Principal Gibbs secretly rich?

Or secretly hot?

Well, good for Ed.

Good for Ed.

The election of 1912.

America's choices were Teddy Roosevelt, William Howard Taft, Woodrow

Wilson. Does anyone know why Wilson won?

Tennessee.

Roosevelt's Bull Moose Party split their Republican vote, giving the election to

Wilson, the Democrat.

Well, that's one boring theory.

But consider this.

A mustache?

Mustache? No mustache.

That's right. I don't think America will ever trust a man in a mustache.

That's why Jeff Foxworthy was never and will never be president of this country.

Class, Mr. Barnes, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, the principal.

No mustache.

C .J., I was wondering if I could ask you a favor. See, I have a friend.

A lady friend. Ah, you want me to take out her fat sister, no problem.

But then, I got a half a case of wine coolers in my car.

The other half's in me belly.

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

So, she's taking her GED in a couple of weeks, and she needs to brush up on her

American history. So, I think she could sit in on one of your classes.

I don't know. It might be a little awkward having Boston spend in my class.

Eddie, there you are.

Then again, it might be the most natural thing in the world. Welcome.

This is your teacher, Mr. Barnes.

Hey, CJ.

Class, this is my friend, Cheryl.

She's going to be with us for a couple of weeks. And for the record, her

presence violates not one single code of the Michigan Unified School District's

bylaws.

Although it seems like it would.

Mr. Barnes, treat her as you would any other student.

Okay, so I can take her to the prom?

Let's see.

Okay.

All right. The election of 1912.

Hennessy, I need to go to the bathroom.

Hi, Kate.

You got a second?

Sure. What's up? Well, I feel I kind of sprung Cheryl on you this morning. I

felt you deserved an explanation.

Oh.

You don't need an explanation.

When you asked me out, I wasn't ready to date. And when I was, you already had a

girlfriend. Today I met her.

End of story.

Really? Of course.

We're friends.

Okay, good. I just want to make sure that nothing got awkward between us.

Especially because Cheryl's going to be taking some classes here. She is?

Yeah. She's brushing up for her GED.

Since we started dating, she's a little self -conscious about not finishing high

school. Oh, she never finished high school.

I would have thought she had a Ph .D.

See, now, that's the kind of comment that makes me start wondering if things

might eventually become awkward.

No, Ed, look, look, seriously.

If you're happy, I'm happy. Good.

Because I am happy. Good.

Extremely happy. I'm exhausted, but happy.

I've actually lost five pounds. Gosh. It's getting awkward.

I can see that.

So until its repeal in 1933 with the passage of the Volstead Act, prohibition

was in effect. All forms of alcohol were illegal.

Wait.

All alcohol?

Uh -huh.

Even body shots?

Yes, these were dark times.

But if people couldn't drink, how did they get the courage up to run topless

through a crowded ballpark?

Or marry a perfect stranger after knowing him only an hour?

This did not sound like my America.

Okay, guys, read chapter 10.

And tomorrow, if we're lucky, maybe we'll hear what Cheryl may or may not

done while intoxicated.

Mr. Barnes, I'm sorry. Was I a little too open with my story?

No, no, no. I like a woman who's been naked in as many ballparks as I have.

You know, getting this GED is really important to me.

I was kind of hoping you could help me out.

Maybe a little personal tutoring.

Oh,

yeah. No, that's super cool.

Any friend of the principal I could help out? Maybe I could meet you in the

library after seventh period?

Oh, no. I'm a little self -conscious here at school being...

So much older and better looking than everyone.

I was hoping we could do it at my apartment.

By it, you mean study, right?

Yeah, yeah. A little mean.

Hey, girl.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Mom.

So, uh, how you doing?

Why?

You know, because of Principal Gibb and his girlfriend.

Yeah, and you know, because you lost.

Girls, this wasn't a competition.

It sure wasn't.

Anyway, we brought you these to make you feel better.

Wow.

A new lingerie catalog.

And a box of candy.

Now I can see how thin I want to be and then not get there.

classy, intelligent, interesting woman. Yeah, there's got to be some way of

making that work for you.

Thanks for the pep talk, girl.

Where did that catalog go?

Oh, you're in a good mood.

And why not? It's five minutes to Matlock.

This is the one where he outwits the northerner.

Hey, Dad, why do men have to be such jackasses?

You're not looking for an actual answer, are you?

No. Then I can't just get up and leave, can I? No.

You know, after all this time, I'm finally ready to date, and I think I

right guy, or a right guy.

Yeah. And I find out he has a girlfriend.

Yeah.

Today I met her.

Blonde, tight sweater, a body that looked like it was developed by NASA.

Yeah.

with that. There's no competition. There's no one as pretty as my baby

Thanks, Dad.

And besides, she's just a shiny object, a pleasant little dream he's having. And

sooner or later, Gib will wake up and discover that he's missing the real

Hmm.

Maybe you're right.

I guess every guy is entitled to his little fantasy.

Mom?

Uh, honey, if there's anything you want to talk about... Nope.

You know, you should know it's perfectly natural... Good night.

Well, it's only 7 .30.

Well, that was a fast steady session.

Did Cheryl's brain fill up that quickly?

Cheryl, aye, aye, aye.

Tonight I did something that fills me with guilt and shame, and not the good

kind.

Oh, my God. You hit on Cheryl. No, she hit on me, but I stopped her.

A little late, but I stopped her.

And I let it go some more, but then I got scared, so I stopped her.

Poor Ed.

Yeah, that's the point of my story. Poor Ed. He has to keep having sex with this

insatiable fembot.

Well, if she's cheating on him, we have to tell him. No!

No, you can't tell him. Whatever you say, I'll end up the bad guy.

I don't want to lose my job.

But he has a right to know.

No, shh, don't.

Just pretend I never told you.

Yeah, but, C .J., we... No, I... Less talking, more pretending.

Rory, this activity you're engaging in is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Human sexuality should be celebrated and enjoyed.

And most important, you should know it's perfectly natural.

Everybody does it.

Everybody?

Well, maybe you should go to class.

Hello, Ed. Hey.

Go!

Hey, do you have a couple of aspirins? I've got a really bad headache.

Late night with Cheryl?

Kate, I know what you think about Cheryl, but she is not just a party

Well, I never said she was. She's very sweet and considerate and funny.

And as hard as it may be for you, my ex -wife, and the congregation of my temple

to believe, there may actually be a future for us.

A future?

Stranger things have happened. Name one.

Uh, Ed, we're friends, right? Kate.

Let's be honest.

I think the problem is that you are jealous of Cheryl. Jealous?

Yes, because you think that I chose Cheryl over you, and I was hoping that

would be above this kind of pettiness.

You know, I am above every kind of pettiness there is. By the way, Cheryl's

cheating on you.

Yes, last night she was studying with CJ, and she came on to him. CJ?

In what world?

would Cheryl be attracted to CJ?

In the world next door to yours.

Uh, CJ, you got a minute?

Uh, actually, I'm grading papers.

I'll come back.

Uh, wait a second.

Wing, Sun, Lee.

That sounds like an A.

CJ, I'm sorry, but I, um, I sorta told Ed about you and Cheryl.

What's that?

Are you kidding? He's gonna kill me! No, no, no, CJ, he's not gonna kill me.

Dude, I told you not to tell him! What's wrong with you? No, I didn't mean to,

but he started to accuse me of being petty and jealous.

So you used me to get back at him? No! Well, yes.

But it wasn't my... intent, and you know, it doesn't even matter because he

didn't believe me. Oh, great. Now he just thinks I'm spreading a rumor that

girlfriend's a skank.

My God, I'm never going to get tenure.

CJ, I'm really sorry.

No, sorry. Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog.

All right, we need a plan.

Can you get a helicopter?

No, wait.

Okay, I got a better one. All right, okay.

Tonight, I bring Cheryl over for a little private tutoring at the house.

Ed, come over.

Hide in the dining room, and then he can see for himself.

What? Yeah, that's right. It'll take about three seconds. She can't wait to

this ride.

Yeah.

It's a good plan.

Yeah, for Lucy and Ethel.

But in the real world, people do not hide in closets and watch other people

out. Uh, yeah, they do. It's called a fraternity.

Forget it. I'm not doing it. You owe me.

I finally got a job I like, and you ruined it for me.

You've besmirched my name.

And I cannot unsmirch it by myself.

Your plan is insane. I'm not doing it. Fine.

Forget about me. I'll bounce back.

I have other names.

But what about you, Kate?

If you don't prove this to Eddie, he's going to think you're nothing but a

jealous, insecure, petty, middle -aged woman.

I'll have him there by 7.

Ed, I'm glad you're here.

No, no, no, not at all. I'm glad you asked me over. I felt really bad about

afternoon. Oh, yeah, me too. I wanted to apologize. No need. I have no right to

accuse you of being petty.

Thank you.

I don't know why I would say such a thing. You're really one of the

most dignified people I know.

Thanks, Ed.

And keeping that in mind, I want to propose something that on the surface

seem a little extreme, but...

it will prove once and for all that your girlfriend is hitting on CJ.

Not this again.

Oh, no, no, no, wait. Now, look, they're on their way over here, and she's going

to make a move.

And all we have to do is hide in a classy, dignified way, and you'll see

yourself. I am not going to spy on my girlfriend, who, by the way, is not

over here because she is out tonight with her girlfriends.

Oh.

Are you sure?

Oh, my God. What is she doing here?

Let's go over here and find out.

Ow.

Welcome to Chateau Relaxo.

I'm glad you asked me to come over and study.

I was kind of hoping we could finish what we started last night.

Oh, yes.

Sorry about that. I usually don't get that nauseous that quickly.

Well, I hope you brought your dramamine, because I'm going to rock your boat

tonight. Oh, shiver me timbers.

Hello, what are we doing out here? Let's go in.

It's me.

I'll get it. I'll be right in. All right, I'll go hoist the Jolly Roger.

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Aunt Jane?

That's awful.

Of course I'll fly in for the funeral.

She was my favorite aunt.

If it gets a little gnarly, my safe word is arter.

Arber?

Arter.

Harter?

Forget it. Just leave her on me.

Hey, I was about to send out a search party. Now the search is over, let's

party.

CJ, maybe tonight's not a good night. Not good yet, but I know it'll change

mind. A bottle of Nevada's finest.

Come on, you look stressed.

You need to give me a back rub.

Come on over here. I'll get started.

Oh, I'm tense.

Oh, it's one of those massages.

So this is why you invited me over to watch C .J. make a fool of himself?

Give it a minute. Maybe she's slow to start.

Does she look like she's slow to start?

Listen, I can't teach you. If I can't reach you, come here.

CJ, something happened.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it.

Well, let's get your mind off of it.

There you go. There's a dead end.

What are you crying for? I haven't even touched you yet.

Okay, all right. I've seen enough. She's not hitting on you. You're just

upsetting her.

Yes, phase one.

You were spying on her?

Cheryl, this is all my fault. I somehow got the impression that you were being

unfaithful. I'm very sorry. It is obvious that you were not hitting on C

Well, imagine that.

Cheryl, not hitting on C .J. Come on, Cheryl. We are leaving.

No, wait.

Wait.

You know, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, Ed, but I had

intention of cheating on you with C .J.

What? Ooh, my good name is back.

Ed, I really like you. I do. And the sex was copious.

He taught me that word.

But let's be realistic.

We don't have a future. You're smart and classy, and I'd lift up my shirt for

Mardi Gras beads.

Cheryl, I was okay with that.

I do that.

Look, the truth is, I see the way you look at Kate.

That's the way every woman wants to be looked at.

Not like that.

Anyway, I'm sorry, Ed.

I'm sorry this had to end in such an ignominious way.

Excellent use of the word.

Listen, I'll see you at school.

And, Ed, I'm sorry, too. I was just trying to protect you. Hey, don't

It's better this way.

What was I doing with a woman like Cheryl, anyway?

Oh, you mean, what were you doing so copiously with a woman like Cheryl?

You know, she actually did seem like a nice person.

Well, she's perceptive. She picked up on us pretty fast.

Would you like some wine?

Nevada's finest.

Sure, I would love some wine, or whatever that is.

It's a wine -style beverage.

You know, I think that there is a curse for me in this house.

It's like it doesn't like me.

What do you mean?

Every time I'm here, something terrible happens. I've been poisoned and punched

and now dumped.

Well, they say bad things happen in threes.

Maybe the curse is over.

Well, let's hope so.

I've got to use the restroom. I'll be right back.

Poor. Bad things happen to poor.