Original subtitles

I got here as fast as I could. Maybe it's those little stubby legs of yours.

What do you mean about it? Well, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have slipped

in the tub and broken my leg. For the hundredth time, I apologize.

You and your dumb French bath oils. When did the French decide to bathe anyway?

I'm sorry you slipped and fell. I usually clean out the tub when I'm done.

don't know what happened.

Don't make me look at the x -ray again.

So, Grandpa, what's it like when you nail someone with a bayonet?

Did you not talk about that when I'm making dinner?

What's it like?

I never actually did it in combat, but I did stick my pal Stinky once pretty

good. Yeah, I swore that night I would never drink again.

Hello? I mean, around bayonets.

Hi, Ed. What's up? Hi, Kate. Actually, I was calling for CJ.

Oh. Well...

I assumed you would be calling for me.

Oh, well, how are you?

Oh, I'm good. How are you?

Good, good.

Is CJ there?

Well, yeah, he's out back taking out or going through the trash.

You want me to go get him? No, that's okay. Could you just tell him that his

first day working as a substitute teacher is tomorrow?

What? I was a little surprised myself.

But your letter of recommendation really pushed him over the top.

What? Although I suppose I'd write one heck of a letter, too, if somebody

brought me back to life after a canoeing mishap.

Canoeing mishap?

So you'll give him the news?

Oh, I'll give it to him.

Bye, Ed.

You wrote a letter and forged my name? It's for a good cause.

I know you want me to start paying rent around here, so I'm thinking about

making some fat dollar.

In what world do teachers make fat dollar?

And what makes you think you're qualified to be a substitute teacher?

Well, here's the good news. There's a massive teacher shortage.

They'll give an emergency certificate to almost anyone.

But you?

I'm the cream of the crop.

You should have seen the guy behind me in line. If he wasn't spitting out

I bet he would have gotten one, too.

This is just crazy. We're talking about shaping children's lives.

You are not mature.

You are not responsible. Are you going to go back on what you said in the

now?

Look, Kate, you told me to do something worthwhile with my life, and this could

be my chance.

All right, fine.

But my name got you that job, so don't mess it up. Yeah, yeah, don't worry.

Listen, this is the new, more responsible, mature CJ.

And by the way, if anyone asks, I do have a purple heart. I just can't find

of your socks.

Can I give you a little help there? Yeah, that would be great, actually. If

could just... What do you need? My hair is stuck with my lip gloss.

Here, hold these a second.

Ah, thank you.

I don't know what she did to you, but pushing your sister down the stairs?

Way not cool.

What? What are you telling people?

Well, I can't tell you what I flipped in the bathtub. My life is way more

exciting than that.

Keep walking, I'll push you down a couple flights.

Hey, CJ.

Hey. You nervous?

Oh, no. I just washed my hands. I just watered my pants.

Hey, CJ.

Welcome aboard.

Good to have you on the team. Thank you, Principal Gipps.

First day.

You nervous?

Oh, no, no. He's fine. He just had a little accident in the men's room.

Listen, I want to thank you for this opportunity, and I'll try not to let you

down. Oh, I'm sure you won't.

You know, just last night, I spent the evening brushing up on my algebra

Hmm. You're teaching American history.

Good to know.

What's that noise?

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. It's the bell.

Now, wish me luck, Aunt Kate. Oh, come on. A man who saved a family of five

a thinking canoe does not need luck.

Class,

as you know...

Your regular teacher, Mr. Cornell, is still suffering from dehydration.

So I'd like you to welcome your new substitute teacher, Mr. C .J. Barnes.

Yo, yo.

What's 411 in here?

What's a dealio? Can I get a wah -wah?

I thought you said your cousin was cool.

It's with him being cool.

Mr. Barnes, class is all yours.

Yes, thank you, Principal Gibb.

the history of America.

Today, we are going to talk about the free silver moon.

Congratulations. It lasted longer than most.

Kidding? My God, these kids are animals. No wonder the Japanese beat us to the

moon. Take a breath.

It's the first day. When you go back in there, you show them that you're the

boss. Right. I tried clearing my throat. I got nothing.

Yeah, that's really my thing, okay? You kind of got to come up with your own

signature thing.

I can make one eye go lazy.

I wouldn't do that.

I can do that and do the zippy lip.

I'll figure it out.

Guys, can we get some silence?

Okay, uh, let's talk about the populist movement.

Anyone want to talk about that?

You, sir?

I don't know about the populist movement, but I can tell you about the

movement.

stuff. Nice.

I said bowel movement. It was good. I liked it. I laughed.

What else you got signed, Phil?

I don't know. You don't know? Come on, man. You gotta keep them coming.

You're the class cut -up, aren't you? Always making fun of the sub. Oh, he's a

nerd. You know, I know that because that's what I used to do.

I was a sub's worst nightmare.

But those shenanigans will not cut it in here today, gang.

Because trust me, whatever you've done, I've done it better, louder, and with a

pocket full of roosters.

What do you got there?

Ooh, la la.

What is this one, July? I don't have this one.

Yeah, now I do.

Nintendo? More like Nintendon't.

What do we got here, ladies?

Do you think Billy likes me?

We got a Billy in here?

Yeah. Billy, you like her?

No.

That's no good.

Does anybody like this girl?

You, sir.

Hey, not exactly DiCaprio, but take it. All right, well.

Now, eliminate's over.

All eyes up here.

My name is Mr. Barnes, and I mean biz.

All right, and if anyone's asking or thinking about it, this is just water

the bathroom.

Hey!

That's right.

Now settle down and open your books to page 72.

Here we go.

Okay, so after school, I need you to drop my books off at the library, go

up my half -a -science project at Marissa's, and then go pick up my new

Well, I can't do all that. I have my own life, too, you know. Well, you should

have thought of that before you...

whacked my leg with that crowbar.

That one was just for fun.

30 seconds left on the test, people.

30 seconds that will decide your future.

30 seconds to make or break your life.

Think what you're writing.

Do not let anything get in your brain.

No outside distractions.

The rest of your life depends... Time!

All right.

Pass your tests up.

Read chapter 42, The Robber Barons.

And be prepared to answer the question, why do they all look like the Monopoly

Man?

See you tomorrow, Mr. B. All right, J .R., not if I see you first.

Rory, how'd you do?

Piece of cake.

All right.

Professor McBigbrain.

Hey, Rory, hang on a second.

What's up?

It's a cheat sheet.

So? It's not mine.

Well, it fell out of your test.

It's your handwriting, and it's on the little mermaid notepad I gave you.

Fine. I cheated.

But I only did raise my grade to an A. I swear I've never done it before.

I believe you.

Because you suck at it.

Is there any way you can just...

Pretend it didn't happen?

Dude, it's not that easy. I'm a teacher now.

How's it going?

Everything A -OK in here, sir.

Roy, you better scoot to class.

CJ, um... There's something that's been troubling me.

What is it?

Is everything OK at home?

Yeah, why?

There's a rumor going around that Carrie intentionally backed the minivan into

Bridget's leg.

Well, look at you, grading papers.

You know something? I'm glad I wrote that letter.

Something wrong?

Got a bit of an ethical dilemma here.

Wow.

I didn't know you even knew what that was.

Caught one of my kids cheating today.

And I know I got to turn him in to give, but I don't know if I can.

God, it's a hard job.

Well, CJ, if the job was easy, everybody would do it.

I think you know you have to turn him in.

Well, he's a good kid, and I don't want it to go on his record.

I wonder if there's some wiggle room.

Being an adult is about making hard choices.

Not about wiggle room. It's about doing the right thing.

It's Rory.

Maybe that's a little wiggle room.

Okay. Are you sure?

Are you sure it's Rory? Maybe it's another kid. You know, he's very generic

looking.

He confessed.

We have zero tolerance for cheating.

I'm going to have to go to the principal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maybe we could just keep this in the family.

Rory will get suspended.

Colleges will see it. Is that what you want? I want to do the right thing.

DJ, he is a 5 '1 mediocre student.

All he's got is attendance and good behavior.

Well, Kate, like you said, being an adult is about making hard choices.

When did I say that exactly?

Just now. I'm sorry.

No, you're right.

Well, I'm going to go upstairs and tell him how much trouble he's in.

Times like this that parents need the real joy.

Listen, like you said, if it was an easy job, anyone could do it.

What, are you wearing a wire?

This is the one you got stinky with?

Oh, it only went in an inch, inch and a half at the most.

Thank God he had thighs like an Iowa farm girl.

I can't believe you two are still friends.

Oh, I paid for it.

Stinky made me promise to name one of my kids after him.

But Dad, two girls, Kate and Maggie.

What's your mom's middle initial?

S, but she says we're facing.

Dad,

I need a minute with him.

Sounds serious.

Yeah, it is.

Leave the bayonet.

I know about you cheating on your test today. Mom. Not another word.

You are grounded for a month.

And that's just from me.

CJ is taking this to Principal Gibb. What? Yes. I'll get suspended.

Mom, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to CJ.

Well, I did.

And he's taken a hard line on this. This is the new CJ.

Mom, he's been a substitute teacher for two days.

Three days ago, he was digging for gold in our backyard.

Believe me, you can change his mind.

No, I can't.

And maybe I shouldn't. You know, the truth is, he's right.

You screwed up, and there's going to be consequences.

Consequences. Let me paint you a little picture.

I'm 35, a high school dropout.

I'm assistant manager at Burger Barn, and I live with my girlfriend and three

kids right here in this room.

She's pregnant with our fourth. I'm not even sure it's mine.

Good morning, Professor.

Banana waffle.

Wow. Yep, doughy and covered with syrup. Oh, just the way I like my women.

Oh, my gosh. Steak dinner last night, you turn on the heat in the basement,

now banana waffles.

What'd I do to deserve this? Well, I like to do special things for you, T .J.

I'd do them a lot more often if I wasn't so stressed out about this whole Rory

thing. God, if there was just some way you could not go to Ed Gibb. More orange

juice?

Aunt Kate, am I hearing you right?

Well, I don't know.

Depends on what you're hearing.

I'm hearing what you're saying.

If you're saying what I'm hearing.

Oh, you're hearing what I'm saying.

If you're hearing what I'm saying.

I'm confused.

You trying to bribe me?

What? With steak and juice and waffles?

I would never dangle those cheap little trinkets in your face.

Or free rent?

Just so you wouldn't talk to Ed Gibb?

Who's Ed Gibb?

Delightful. By the way, I did a little manscaping in there. You might want to

clean out the trap.

You know, C .J., I do appreciate you not talking to Ed Gibb, but I think you're

pushing this a little too far.

You know what? You're right.

Call the whole thing off. I'm sure Roy will get a basketball scholarship

somehow.

Hey, everybody.

Hey. Hi, Dad.

You know, do me a favor. Our little arrangement is kind of embarrassing.

Let's just not tell Grandpa. What is it, spa day at the Hennessy? Well, I let C

.J. use my jacuzzi. Oh, someone's getting special treatment.

Well, why not? I mean, you know, he got the teaching job, and then I thought

it'd be nice just to show him that way.

Well, hey, he's earned it. I just ran into Principal Gibb at the mini -mart.

said he has never seen a new teacher come in and take to it like C .J.

I guess I'm doing all right over there.

It's a great example for the boy, too.

It just shows you that even a little wisp of a kid with no obvious talent can

make something of himself.

Now you're making me blush.

Well, you're proud of him, aren't you, Kate?

Well, what can I say? You know, he got that job, and one thing happened, and

then the next thing sort of did the whole thing.

Well, let me tell you something.

I like the new C .J.

Yes, sir.

Honest, hard work, no angles, no scams.

Proud of you.

Proud of you, son. I really am.

Hey, honey, have you seen Bridget?

Yeah, I left her outside third period biology with her backpack, her pillow,

makeup case, and her snotty attitude.

Now, Carrie, you have to realize your sister is in a lot of pain.

Yeah, I understand that, but that doesn't give her the right to treat

like they're her own personal slaves. You guys, what part of the faster don't

you understand?

Come in.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, come on in.

Well, you ever do one of these word jumbles? They're really kind of tricky.

Oh, yeah, that one's difficult.

I know. That's what I'm saying.

No, that word is difficult, not thick adult.

Oh.

That's what it is.

So, what can I do for you? Peach?

Ah, just wanted to tell you thank you.

uh, for giving me this opportunity.

It's the first job I've ever had that gave me a sense of pride, that made me

want to go to work in the morning.

Happy to hear it.

Thing is, I gotta quit.

What? What? What? You just said you loved it. Yeah, I do. It's just there's

parts of it I can't handle.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Williams hit on you, didn't he? Oh.

Well, yeah, but that's not why I'm quitting.

Uh, but thank you.

I have a feeling there's something you're not telling me.

Kate, what are you doing here? Ed, I was wrong. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, I

never should have begged C .J. to cover up Rory's cheating.

And Kate.

Look, let me get this out.

I definitely shouldn't have bribed him. C .J. is a good teacher, and telling you

the truth was the right thing to do.

I still can't help feeling there's something you're not telling me.

You didn't tell him anything?

No. Came in here to quit.

Oh, C .J.

God, I wish I hadn't heard any of this. All right, let me see.

Technically, only a teacher or a student directly involved can report a cheating

incident. And since CJ never said anything, this hasn't officially been

reported. Oh, Ed.

Oh, I just don't know how to thank you. Why are you thanking me for it? It never

happened. I can't take it anymore.

I cheated. I put CJ in a bad spot. I put my mom in a bad spot. Please. It's

killing me. I demand to be punished.

Okay. I kind of wish I hadn't heard that.

You know, all I'm saying is you take a bath, you wipe it for the next person.

Forget the danger. It's just common courtesy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I could have been killed.

Take a good look at the outside world, Rory. You won't be seeing a lot of that

for the next month.

And you are lucky that Ed Gibb is a friend of this family and has decided

because you have no priors, he'll look the other way.

Which I think is a mistake.

Hey, you let you keep your job.

Which I'm in favor of.

Let me watch some TV.

Oh, no, you're not. No TV.

No computers. No phone.

Are you kidding? What am I supposed to do for the next month?

Oh, there'll be plenty for you.