Original subtitles

No, you're not. We're going to do the tree. Mom.

Girls, this is one of the few things we do with a family anymore. You can go

when we're done.

We're done.

That was fun.

All right, come on, let's hit the mall. You don't want to sit on Santa's lap

after he's been drinking.

Well, I'm off to Vegas.

Oh, CJ, I wish you'd reconsider.

Well, I was thinking about Laughlin, but you're no one in that town without an

RV.

I'm really Christmas in Las Vegas. Christmas is a time for family.

Oh, not for me.

When I was a kid, my loveless parents would fly off to some exotic location

dump me on the nanny.

Then I'd spend Christmas opening presents that the personal shopper got

Oh, that's so sad.

Sad? Carrie, he had a personal shopper.

Anyway, when I got older, I started my own tradition, going to Vegas.

But don't you miss eggnog and Christmas dinner?

And what about the thrill of not knowing what you're going to wake up to

Christmas morning? Oh, I get that.

Katie, would you look at this?

Oh, wow.

What was I, like, ten years old that Christmas?

I cut down that tree myself.

Belonged to our next -door neighbor. Boy, was he piffed.

Look at all those lights.

Is that a little train under the tree? And a nutcracker?

Yep, that's Grandma.

You know, we always did Christmas up big.

Decorations, fruitcakes, a big tree. We did everything.

Yeah, no matter how cold it was outside, that house was always warm inside.

You see, CJ, this is what I mean.

I'm just sad that you never could see how special Christmas is. Here, look at

this.

You don't get it. If I never had it, how could I miss it?

Wow, this is incredible.

Well, thanks for showing me what I never had. Now I do miss it.

But you don't have to. Just don't go to Vegas. Stay here with us.

Oh, Katie's a grown man. If he wants to go to Vegas and spend Christmas with

booze and slot machines and loose women, let him. For God's sakes, take me with

you.

You know what? We had a very small Christmas last year. Now, if you stay,

do it up big, just like in the picture.

And then we'll take a new picture with you, and from then on, that'll be your

Christmas memory.

You guys do that for me?

Yeah, stay with us. Come on, we want to have Christmas with you.

Cool, I'll stay.

Those casinos are going to have to rely on some other high roller to get them

through the holidays.

It's quarters.

Okay, Nichols.

Come on, CJ, grab your coat. Time to get your first real Christmas tree.

All right, I'll go get the axe. We're not chopping it down. We're buying it a

lot. I know the axe is for haggling.

Whoa, why are you all dressed up? I was going to the country club with this

little rich girlfriend.

Oh, Rebecca is rich?

All right, little Lord Followery.

She's not like that at all.

If you didn't know she was rich, you'd think she was just like any other girl.

I'm here to pick up Master Hennessy.

I'll be right there, Robert.

A driver?

Master Hennessy. Uh -oh, I gotta go. I'll see you later. You know, I would

to meet this Rebecca. Next time she can have dinner over here.

Right.

What kind of girl has her own car and driver? The luckiest girl in the world.

Hey, don't let the money fool you.

All the riches in the world can't make up.

Oh, my God, it's a stretch.

Be careful up there.

Wow, it's great.

It's amazing.

Don't you think it's too big?

This tree was too big when we were outside and the ceiling was heaven.

Rory, how's it going with the lights?

I say, Rory, how's it going with the lights?

Just about done.

This thing's almost as big as the one in Rebecca's bedroom.

Rebecca's bedroom?

What did I tell you about being in a girl's bedroom?

That it would never happen?

Hey, has anybody seen Carrie?

Well, I sent her to decorate the back of the tree about 20 minutes ago.

I'm fine. I'm on my way back.

Just follow our voices.

Well, that's the last of the ornaments. Yep. All the lights are up. Uh -huh.

Just time to plug it in.

PJ?

Me? We'd be honored.

Here it goes.

Wow. Hey, whoa.

Boy, it's beautiful.

Awesome. Yeah.

Anybody think it would look better over there?

No, that's stupid.

Listen, thank you. This is beyond my wildest imagination.

Well, it was worth all the hard work just to see you happy.

I'm on my way to meet Stinky for a holiday beer.

We're really glad you like it. Grandpa, will you drop me off at the mall?

Wait, wait a second.

What's wrong?

Well, the tree's great, but what about the other stuff in the Christmas

Well, we have the candles and the wreath.

And the giant sequoia.

Yeah, but there's no nutcrackers, no garland, candy cane.

Grandpa, aren't you in a Santa suit? I was drunk, a not -happy drunk.

PJ, come on. We don't have that stuff.

Oh. Okay.

Tree's nice.

Well, you know, we did promise him the Christmas in the picture.

I guess we could go buy more decorations.

All right, that'll be fun, right?

Yeah, let's do that.

Oh, yeah, we can go shopping. Maybe on the way home we can get some hot cocoa.

Oh, absolutely.

And you can drop me off at the bar on the way home. When I say on the way

I mean on the way there.

Just think, Aunt Kate, if it wasn't for you, I'd be ass deep in quarters right

now. I mean nickels.

Where's everybody?

Look, I want to go tobogganing with Josh. Just set up a little train station

let's get out of here.

Well, excuse me if I'm trying to make you look festive.

Mr. Hobo dropped his wine bottle.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, nice jacket there, Fonzie. Yeah.

Where did you get that?

It's from Rebecca.

Is that Gucci?

You're wearing Gucci? I don't even wear Gucci. Why must you mock me this way?

Where did you get her?

She has everything, so I thought I'd just get her one of those cool cards.

You know, with the glitter that falls out?

That's what every girl wants, crap, from a cheap guy that you get to clean up.

Let me tell you how women think. Or I can tell you.

You go ahead.

She buys you a jacket this nice. You have to get her something better.

I can't afford that.

Where am I going to get that kind of money?

Hey, you can open that box of nickels I got you. Oh!

Hey, everybody, I've got the camera.

Ready to make some Christmas memories?

Well, let's see.

Christmas train?

Check. Garland? Check.

Nutcrackers, rum balls, wreaths, mistletoes, stockings, silver bells,

canes, cookies, candles.

It's all here. Just like in the picture. Just like we promised.

Okay, come on, Dad. Time for the photo.

Oh, Sandy Claus, you made it.

Hey, aren't you supposed to come down to the chimney?

Bite me.

All right, everybody in front of the tree.

Wait. What?

Something's missing. No, no, no, no. It can't be. It can't be. We're not missing

anything except tobogganing. You know, if I don't get there before Marissa,

she's going to sit right behind Josh. My life's going to be over. Can I have

your pink sweater?

Here it is.

Here it is. Why is there sheet music on the coffee table?

What? You can see sheet music?

Yeah, it's right next to the safety pin. This is ridiculous.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe one of the carolers left it. Oh, you had carolers? Mom!

Come on, you already got the gay affair off.

Hey, Grandpa.

What are you doing out here?

Hopefully freezing to death.

What are you talking about?

Oh, who lets people into their house on Christmas?

Grandpa, what am I going to do?

Rebecca got me this great coat and I can't afford to get her anything that

Let me tell you something, son. A woman of quality doesn't care how much you

spend on a gift as long as it comes from here.

Yeah, good one.

You know the best gift I ever gave your grandma?

A divorce?

No, that's the best gift she ever gave me.

No, I gave her a small box of candy filled with milk chocolate creams.

Candy?

Yeah, well, I was courting her, and this other fellow, Lloyd, was snooping

around. You know, he ran a car dealership.

Valentine's Day comes around, and guess what he gave her?

A new car?

No. No, he gave her a ten -pound box of candy filled with caramels and nuggets.

Caped like a car?

No.

No, the point is that Grandma liked my small box better.

So where's the car come in?

Forget about the car.

Then why'd you mention the dealership? Grandma liked my gift better because I

knew her favorite candy.

I spent a lot less money than Lloyd, but I put more thought into it, and that's

what counts.

So you're saying as long as it's thoughtful, it doesn't matter how much I

That's right.

If Lloyd had gotten Grandma a car, he could have been my grandfather.

Yeah.

And he could have had this stupid conversation.

Well, aren't you a tall cup of...

Holiday cheer.

Thank you.

You're a little gingerbread man yourself.

Well, I have spent many nights baked.

So, uh, after this, what say me and you, uh... Oh, well, actually, after I'm

done here, I've got to go catch a plane.

I'm spending Christmas in Las Vegas.

Oh, really?

That's where I usually go.

Why don't you come along?

A bunch of my friends from college are going. We go every year and we have a

blast. Yeah, well, that'd be nice and probably naughty.

But, uh, no, no way. I, uh, my family did this whole big Christmas for me.

All for you? Yeah.

Wow.

I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful.

They must love you like crazy.

Oh, it's hard not to.

Seriously, though, I mean, this is like out of a storybook.

For people to go to this much trouble, you must be some kind of a saint.

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, you know, if anybody ever did anything like this for me, I think I'd

crazy just trying to figure out what I did to deserve it.

You know, sometimes I fold the towel.

Any room left on that flight to Vegas?

Can't we wake up CJ?

We want to open the presents. Come on, Mom, please. No, no, no, just let him

sleep.

Oh, okay, go wake him up. I just want to see his face on Christmas morning.

Katie, is there coffee?

Well, Dad, I just gave you some five minutes ago.

Oh, yeah, well, it's so early, I guess I dozed off.

Mom, CJ went to Vegas.

What? He sent a care alert.

He left us? On Christmas after everything we did for him? Oh, Santa,

letter.

That little weasel, I'm going to kill him. The picture. The picture. It had to

be just like the picture. He really obviously appreciated all our hard work.

What a jerk.

I made so many parts. Two hours to put that train together. It's Christmas. It

sucks. It totally sucks. You ruined it for everybody. Oh, okay. Just wait a

minute.

You know, it's still Christmas.

And we're not going to let him ruin this for us.

Absolutely. Forget about him. We're going to have a great Christmas.

Made me wear that damn Santa suit.

I mean, look, we're all together. The house looks amazing. And if CJ's going

miss all this, it's his loss.

Look at me. I won.

Yeah.

Oh, we have a winner.

Come on, Ford, have your picture taken. All right. A little help with this.

Andy, Mandy, Candy Claus.

You know, it's a Christmas memory you'll cherish forever. Here you are with love

from your family at the Happy Month.

Okay.

Hey.

Don't you want to play some more?

Um... Are you feeling lucky?

Yeah. Yeah.

I made turkey and ham and lots of potatoes.

And for dessert, we have pumpkin pie and the door of a gingerbread house.

I was just thinking, when we're done with the tree, how do we get it out of

here? Oh, that's simple. You just tie it to CJ, do something nice for him, and

watch him run out the door.

Maybe that's CJ.

Oh, I'll get it. Where's that ax?

Hi, I'm Rebecca.

Is Rory home?

Rebecca, what are you doing here?

I wake up this morning and open a Christmas card from this boy I really

and he breaks up with me.

And then there's glitter all over my floor.

You broke up with her?

Grandpa, this is private. After we talked about this? You talked about

Grandpa? What did he say? He said if you were so rich, you'd probably be

disappointed in what he got.

That's stupid.

Of course, that's what I told him.

I like Rory for Rory.

Because you're a woman of quality, knucklehead.

Oh, God.

You know, I know I shouldn't get involved, but I wanted to... Oh, go

doesn't mind.

Well, he told me that he got you something.

Mom? Really? Yeah, he did. It's right in the closet. Carrie, go get it.

You little playa.

Where'd you get her?

Oh, I think that's between Rory and Becky.

You mean he's not breaking up with me? Of course. Nothing's crazy about you.

You should see who he usually goes out with.

What about the paper? He must have wrapped it with his feet.

Is it okay if I open it in front of everyone?

At this point, who cares?

It's a dolphin.

Because you collect stuffed dolphins.

And you have the three live ones.

gift I've ever gotten.

Is it okay that I did that in front of everyone?

There's other people here?

Katie, you have outdone yourself.

Yeah, Mom. Everything looks great.

Ugh, what are these gross, creamy eyeballs?

Uh, those are pearl onions.

I made them for CJ.

His nanny used to buy them for him.

We should put them in his bed.

All right, now that's enough.

No, you know what? Carrie's right. Because of CJ, Marissa sat right behind

on the toboggan. They went over a lot of bumps. Now they're totally going out.

But I thought Josh didn't even like Marissa. There were a lot of bumps.

All right, listen, everybody. Remember what I said.

It's Christmas.

Now, I don't want to hear another bad thing about CJ.

What he did was messed up.

But let's think about the good things.

You know, he came to this family at a time when we really needed him.

And in one way or another, he has helped all of us.

The bottom line is that he's family, and we love him no matter what.

Okay? Yeah. Okay.

All right. Now, could I have some more of those? They're eyeballs.

They're not?

Yeah, they actually really are. They really are.

Hey.

Let me tell you, it's no fun getting kidnapped.

Look, I'm not really good at apologies, so I know you guys think I bolted

because I met some hot chick.

You guys did think she's hot, right?

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Let me start over.

You guys are the family I never had, and you gave me this amazing

Christmas, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

And I bailed.

And it was uncool, and it was stupid, and... I'm really, really, really sorry.

A little closer.

Mom. Yeah, that's good. Oh, Dad, get in the middle.

There, yep.

And, uh, oh, Rory, a little closer to CJ.

Here we go. Ow!

Dude, I'm really, really, really sorry.

Okay, okay, just stop horsing around. Okay, everybody looks great.

Just gonna push the button. Here we go.

Everybody smile.

But you guys, seriously, did you think that girl was hot?

Ow!