Original subtitles

Hey, look what the Valentine's Day elf brought you.

The bag says car wash on it.

It was on the way home.

Aunt Kate, be mine.

Car freshener.

Well, you know, TJ, nothing says be mine like your car stinks.

And Bridget, a genuine bobblehead doll of Mr. Wayne Gretzky.

You're welcome.

And what did the elf get for Carrie the elf?

Some water from France.

Sure, they're cowards, but they do make the best water.

And Rory, I'm sorry, there's nothing in the elf bag for you.

Except a postcard of two gorillas drinking beer. It doesn't sound like

it made me laugh.

Two gorillas drinking beer made you...

And for my favorite, Gampy, sea monkeys?

They say pets make old people live longer.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

When you sit in your chair... So anyway, I really like the High Rise song, but

all they seem to make these days are the low -riding crimes.

That is so true.

I just hate that. You know, I appreciate your underwear dilemma, but I'm trying

to listen to the teacher.

I'm trying to listen to you.

Anyway, the low -ready sound drives me nuts. I can't stand the weight. Excuse

me? I'm talking non -stop.

Jeremy, Bridget, is there a problem? No. I'm fine.

Moron.

Okay, Jeremy and Bridget are going to be lab partners.

And Kelly and Hannah and Scott and Sharon.

Oh, great.

Yay! Now we have to work together.

You know what, Eve? Keep your mouth shut and we'll both get A's. You know what?

Keep your mouth shut and we'll both get D's.

You know what I mean.

So you're getting an A in this class?

Yep.

Um, how about English? Getting an A in that, too?

What about English?

No, no, I asked, are you getting an A?

No, it's what about English, not how about English.

I mean, maybe if you spoke English. And maybe if you spoke regular.

Okay, here's the thing.

My grades are just a wee bit lower than they need to be for me to get into

college.

Shocker. Yeah.

My mom's totally freaking out about me going to college as if my entire future

rides on it.

But look at me. You know I'm going to marry well.

And often.

That is so sweet.

You know what I was thinking? Maybe you could be my lab partner in English and

in science.

Don't you mean your tutor?

No, tutor or lab partner. What's different?

About ten bucks an hour.

Come on. You get to be with me.

Fifteen.

It's just going to be the most romantic Valentine's Day ever.

Why is that?

Well, Dylan's going to pick me up in his convertible and shower me with gifts. I

just love Valentine's Day.

Totally stupid.

It's a made -up corporate holiday.

There's so much pressure to do something big, but everyone just winds up doing

something mechanical and rote and with no feeling at all. Yeah, and those

hearts taste like chalk.

I remember in high school, I needed a duffel bag to carry all the cards I got.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Sure, I may not be much now, as a result of some hard and, yes, questionable

living. But back in high school, I was buff, young, and tan.

Good -looking.

I was the man.

Oh, yeah?

Show us the picture. Let's see your yearbook.

The man was sick on picture day.

Grandpa? What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Nothing.

Nothing? No, that's one of the great things about having your wife leave you.

You don't have to do a single thing on Valentine's Day. Nothing. Nada.

Zippo.

Well, if you were going to grab something... Oh, please. You can't win

Every year, you've got to top what you gave the year before. You give them

flowers. You've got to give them more flowers, and not the ones from the yard.

No, no.

No, you've got to pay those jacked -up store prices for the same damn flowers,

except they have cellophane.

Now, don't get me started on candy.

Don't worry, I got the point. You know, you get them a big box of chocolates,

and it's like, hey, what'd you get me that for? I'm so fattening. You get them

little bitty box, and it's like, oh, so you think I'm fat.

Well, jewelry is the worst. Now, you get jewelry.

I gotta go.

No, Dylan, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

Dylan, you shut up. Okay, you shut up.

Okay.

My new boyfriend.

So get me.

Mm -hmm.

All right, so what is Euripides trying to say about war and the Trojan women?

You know, why am I getting the impression that you didn't even read the

Well, I kind of got as far as the Trojan and started to giggle.

All right, Bridget, you have to listen, okay?

Now, Helen is the face that launched a thousand ships.

Let me put it in your words. Um, she was, like, totally hot.

Oh.

So that's why men went to war for her.

Well, you know, that actually brings up an interesting point.

Do you think the war got started over a woman, or do you think the Greeks were

trying to get control over a waterway?

Can I use a lifeline?

Best gift Dad ever got you for Valentine's Day.

Well, your dad and I had this tradition.

He would get me my favorite bottle of champagne, an amazing box of chocolate

truffles, and one red rose.

Just one? Dad was cheap?

No.

Well... No.

It's just that we decided a long time ago that a small taste of the best of

something was better than a huge amount of something just so -so.

That's really romantic.

And cheap.

Jeremy, please don't go.

I need to study.

Bridget, I have my own studying to do, all right? I'm not going to waste my

with someone who uses her cell phone like it's providing oxygen.

You're not supposed to have a guy in your room. I am trying to get into

Did he say he could get you into college?

So, what are you and Kyle doing for Valentine's Day?

Oh, we're going to the movies. No big deal.

You know, Carrie, this is your first Valentine's Day with a boyfriend instead

a stuffed animal.

You might want to lighten up and enjoy it.

It's totally stupid.

It's a day that exists to point out who has somebody and who doesn't. And it

makes the people who don't feel awful.

Carrie, it's okay. You're not one of them anymore.

That is the past, and this year you'll be getting a Valentine card that you

didn't mail to yourself.

I've never mailed.

And Kyle is going to wine and dine you and shower you with presents, and by the

end of the night, you are going to feel like a princess.

Well, I guess feeling like a princess just once wouldn't totally suck.

It's still until I want to know what to get me for Valentine.

Hi, Dill. I like dark chocolate, anything gummy, and... What?

What?

Okay, whatever.

Bye.

I can't believe this. He just had to cancel.

Why? Something about appendicitis.

Appendicitis? That's awful. Yeah, and on Valentine's Day. Why does everything

happen to me?

Carrie, I live for Valentine's Day.

I mean, it's a day set aside for beautiful girls.

You don't think that unattractive people fall in love? Oh, Carrie, that's not

love. That's company.

Hi, Grandpa.

Did you name your sea monkeys yet?

CJ, would you come over here for a minute? I want to talk to you.

Where's the cane?

Throw it over there.

You know, C .J., it really hurts my feelings when you make jokes about me

old. Really?

Grandpa, I feel terrible.

I think I need to drink something to feel better.

Or, or you could do me a little favor.

Sure, what do you need?

Well, I want you to buy me some drugs.

Is this a sting?

No, no, it's medication for my hair.

Oh, cool, right, okay.

Why don't you get a pen, and if you could write it down on a piece of paper.

Acetyl salicylic acid.

All right, I'm on it.

Hey, thank you. The thing of it is, it's on back order right now, and the only

place you can get it is Canada.

What?

Dude, I'm not going to Canada for you on Valentine's Day.

I'll never make it back in time for last call, and that's when I get good

looking.

I don't yell or I'll go.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Well, thanks, son.

What a tool.

Oh.

Oh, my God. I can't believe you did this.

Well, I... Rory, this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Honey, thank you so much.

Thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart.

Oh, Rory.

Happy Valentine's Day, Mom.

Hey, Missy. Happy Valentine's Day.

Wow.

This is so cool.

I

have

to tell you, Carrie, this is the best Valentine's Day ever.

That is so sweet.

Do you want to exchange gifts now, or do you want to wait for later?

Good one.

You know, and to think, last year I bought your sister all that stuff. I

I'm saving, like, so much money.

So, what movie do you want to see?

There's that lovey -dovey Sandra Bullock movie.

Yeah, I would have definitely got stuck seeing that one last year.

Not this year.

I love going out with you.

Yeah, I love going out with you, too.

Night of the Gory Dead Corpses?

One, please.

You know, at first I thought the play was really romantic, but then the end is

so sad. It's like Euripides is saying war is bad.

Wow.

You actually understand the play.

You know, you're not as dumb as you look.

Thank you.

And you're not as dull as you look.

Now look at you, a grammatically correct insult.

Shut up.

Shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up.

Hello, Bridget.

Jeremy.

Hey, Jenna.

Well, I'm going to go find our waitress, see what's happening with our shakes.

Oh, uh, don't you two make a cute couple?

Oh, me and Jeremy?

No, no, you don't think we're together.

Together. He's my tutor.

Oh, really? What's he tutoring you in?

at my house and wanted to get something to eat. I'm totally going out with Dylan

who's got appendicitis.

Yeah, right, Bridge.

I am. He was going to take me out anyway, but I was like, Dylan, you can't

your convertible with your guts hanging out. Call the hospital. He's there.

I'm just teasing.

I promise I won't tell anyone you're here.

Okay? Okay.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Well, our shakes are coming. Something about the machine being broken.

Two -faced liar.

No, I think she was telling the truth. The manager's back there working on it.

So, where were we?

Oh, that's right. You were pretending never to have noticed me.

What? Can we just stick to the stuff that's going to be on the test?

Why? You know the material backwards and forwards.

You can go back to telling me to shut up and stuff.

Shut up? No, you shut up.

Talk some more.

What? What's the big deal?

Oh, I get it.

You do?

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty clear.

Well, I gotta go.

My girlfriend's waiting, and marching band practice just got out. I gotta go

meet her.

We're gonna go shopping for xylophones.

Thank you.

Yeah. So, if you just want to pay me, I'll get out of here.

It's a holiday.

Here. These are for you.

Oh, Rory, this is so sweet.

Aren't these the silk flowers from the bathroom?

Uh... Uh... Women.

Rory!

Wait here one sec.

About these gifts. You know, the cider and chocolate.

I realize I made a mistake.

Make sure they get to their right floner.

No, Mom.

They're for you. You keep them.

Um, honey, those silk flowers from the bathroom?

They're really expensive.

Get them back.

Here. Happy Valentine's Day.

Thank you.

Should I get two glasses?

Okay.

Hey, this is used chocolate.

What? Yeah, someone ate, like, half the box.

Isn't a small amount of something really good better than a whole lot of

something that's only so -so?

Sounds like a fancy way of saying cheap.

I told you.

Look at the bouquet that girl has.

So gigantic, she can barely wash.

Yeah, fool probably spent like 50 bucks on that.

I don't necessarily think he's a fool.

Dumb corporate holiday.

Flower for the pretty lady? No, thank you.

Hey, Kyle.

What's wrong?

Valentine's Day. Everywhere you look, people are being showered with gifts and

having the best, most romantic night of their lives, and you make me buy my own

ticket to a movie where people in the audience are literally vomiting.

You said you hated Valentine's Day. I know, I do.

And stupid Bridget got me all excited about it.

Never mind, just take me home.

What? No, no.

Look, okay?

I wasn't going to give you this until after midnight because then it wouldn't

Valentine's Day anymore, but your own special day.

Well, you look so sad, so here.

What is it?

Open it.

of our emails.

You made our emails into a book?

Yeah.

This is so incredibly romantic.

And I am such a good writer.

It was so close. I mean, my reputation could have been ruined.

What was I thinking going out with Jeremy in public on Valentine's Day?

Well, maybe you just assumed. It'd be pretty if I made his girlfriend. I think

they believed him.

It's really nice of him to make that up for you.

Yeah, I think he made it up. I mean, a guy can't actually have a girlfriend,

right? Kenny?

Hmm. A smart, cute, thoughtful guy with a bright future?

Getting a date in high school?

I doubt it.

You know, I think I'm going to call him and thank him for what he did.

You're going to call him?

Well, it was nice. Don't you think it was nice? He taught me so much.

Hmm.

Sounds to me like you like him.

Like, like him, like him?

No. Whatever you say.

No, no way.

Well, have you called Dylan yet? Why would I call him? He ruined my

Day.

Well, honey, he's laid up in the hospital with appendicitis. He ain't

good right now.

Well.

What? He ain't doing so well.

That was very nice.

It was real nice what you did tonight.

Real nice what you did. Really nice.

Super nice. It was super nice what you did.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Grandpa, don't answer that.

Okay.

Hello? Hey, it's CJ.

Acetylsalicylic acid?

You sent me all the way to Canada for aspirin?

CJ, the pain in my hip is still here.

But now the pain in my ass is in Canada!