Original subtitles

Mom, can you please take me driving? Please, please, please.

No, honey, I'm making dinner.

But you promised.

I lied. Welcome to life.

Carrie, could you just let your driving obsession go for two minutes? Your

cousin CJ will be here any minute. Ew.

All right, excuse me.

If there's anything we have learned this year, it's the importance of family.

And CJ is family. Ew.

Stop it.

Why should we care about seeing him? When we were kids, he was a big, huge

bully. He stole my army men.

Yeah, and he took my Debbie doll to entertain Rory's army men while they

leave.

Then he blew them all up with M -80s.

The boy's a bad egg, Kate.

What's your problem with him, Dad?

I loaned him money for his college education.

I didn't know C .J. went to college. He didn't.

All right, that's him.

Now, attitude adjustment, everybody.

CJ is my sister's son.

So that's why we have to like him. No.

That's why we have to feel sorry for him.

I know he wasn't the best kid, but people change.

And he's been in the army.

I'm sure he's grown up a lot.

Okay.

This is it. This is as big as we get.

Hey, everybody. It's good to see you.

Yeah, yeah, it's really great to see you, too. Can you take me driving?

Sorry.

Is that my grandpa?

Uh -huh.

Is that Papa?

Gaga, it's me.

Please, don't get up.

How's that college degree coming?

It's a funny story. I didn't go.

But I am paying you back. In fact, there's a little down payment.

It's not dope money, is it? I don't take dope money.

DJ, just make yourself at home. I'm going to go check on dinner.

Don't worry, Grandpa. I've done quite well since I left the service.

Joined the carnival.

Ran the tilt -a -whirl.

The tilt -a -whirl? Oh, yeah. Tilt -a -whirls. It does it all. Trap in. Watch

him heave. Here we go, people. Let's park.

Why the stink eye?

He blew up our toys.

War is hell, tiny butcher.

One thousand dollars.

Or a big screen TV.

Or a Las Vegas getaway. If you attend one timeshare seminar.

Yeah, I guess you got to check out that timeshare.

And buy a condo.

By tomorrow.

All right, everybody. Come on, let's sit down for dinner.

I think I'll pass.

Bridget, well, you are really, really... Related to you.

Got any friends who aren't?

Can you take me driving?

Nice try, Raggedy Ann. No thanks.

So, CJ, you're really here because of our dad?

Oh, yeah.

I loved Uncle Paul.

You know, he was the one who drove me to the recruitment center.

He said, join the army. It'll make a man out of you. It worked for me.

Um, Dad was never in the service. Yeah.

Wait, what?

Aunt Kate, do you mind if I say grace?

My kids don't usually do that, but, yeah, that'll be a nice change.

It's nice when people change, isn't it?

Everybody?

Dear Lord, thank you for the food we are about to receive.

And thank you for... I gotta take this.

Shut up!

You did that!

Amen.

Looks like CJ left without kissing me goodbye.

Oh, come on, Kate. I'm crying on the inside.

Well, in a second, you'll be crying on the outside.

He spent the night in his van.

Okay, everyone, I need your help. It is Candid Picture Week at school.

What's that?

It's when the yearbook staff takes your picture when you least expect it. They

give me advance notice every year.

Um, Carrie, you might want to run a brush through that.

So I need help choosing my candid poses.

Maybe tomorrow we can narrow down colleges.

Let's be serious for like two seconds, okay?

All right, so here is me chatting with friends.

Here is me studying for a test for finals.

And here's me just being me.

And now do you looking mindless?

What? You nailed it.

Oh, it's cold out there.

May I borrow some electricity for a little space heater?

No, help yourself.

Can I borrow a little space heater?

Why didn't you come in the house last night?

Somebody locked the deadbolt. Yeah, I know.

You know, why don't you guys catch up while I make breakfast?

Well, C .J., when are you going to be leaving?

Dad.

No, no, no. What I meant was, how long is it going to be before you're not

to be here anymore?

Well, you left in a hurry last night. What was the big emergency?

I happened to score the last two tickets for the Aerosmith concert this weekend.

You walked out on Kate's dinner to get a couple of tickets to a rock and roll

show? I know you're excited, Patsy, but I only got two tickets, sir.

Mom.

I'm not feeling well. I'm not going to go to school.

Oh, honey, you all right? You know, there's a stomach thing going around.

Yeah, oh, my stomach.

I'll just have my eggs in my room.

Where's Miss Basko?

All right, what's going on?

Nothing. I can talk to you about.

Rory?

He's got that look again.

He needs a guy to talk to.

All right, I'll go.

He needs a guy to talk to today.

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Hey, man. Hey.

I like what you're doing with the place.

Let me guess, girly mags behind the headboard?

No.

Yes.

Listen, I know it's been a while since the whole army men... But if you ever

want to talk... See, there's this girl, Missy, who's got these eyes that make me

forget how to walk. And when I'm around her... Easy, Mary. Let's skip the walks

on the beach.

Keep it surfacy. Okay. She's hot. I get it. Continue.

Yeah, she's got the prettiest eyes. And a teddy.

After we got done sitting last night, we were saying goodbye on her front porch.

And I think she might have wanted me to kiss her. And I choked. I suck.

Dude, you ever try to kiss a girl and she whips her head back real quick?

That is the worst. It's happened to me like 5 ,000 times.

They would rather crack their head against the cement wall behind them and

your gross lips touch them.

Mary, my story?

I've kissed girls before.

I've just... I haven't kissed a girl that way.

You know, with the, uh... Dude.

Don't do that.

I have this dance coming up. I figure at some point I might have to, you know...

What did I just say?

Keep the tongue in or I walk, all right?

It's just... I don't want to do it wrong.

It's a lot of pressure.

C .J., you've gone out with a lot of girls, right? Oh, yeah.

Lots.

Carny groupies.

Carny groupie wannabes.

You know, it just seems like anything else.

If you want to get good, you've got to practice. Lots and lots of practice.

You're pretty smart, C .J.

Well, you know, they don't let just anyone in the army.

Really? I heard they did.

We have to go to the drugstore. You know, sometimes you can outsmart them

preemptive strike.

What do you need me for?

Because it's dark and I'm scared and I need you to buy it because I can't be

seen getting zip medicine. So, let's go. Come on. No. Please.

No. Please.

Okay, I will go with you on one condition. I get to drive.

Um, no.

No, no. You only have your learner's permit. It's too risky. No.

Yeah, so is being photographed looking like a Dalmatian.

I told you, you hit a pole. I looked. I swear I didn't see anything.

Because it was dark. I can't believe I let you drive. Mom was going to kill us.

Ladies.

Hey.

You know, your mom will never notice that dead if you stand that way forever.

Whoa. No, you didn't.

Hmm.

Paint scrape.

Different color.

Nervous teens.

Obviously, you did the sneaking out last night.

What are you talking about?

You drove. You let her.

Move it.

Seat's way up. Mirror's way down. Been there.

Oh, I'm so impressed, Mr. Carney man. What are you going to do next? Guess my

weight? 101.

Why?

Why? Why?

What could it be?

Hello,

my little red friend.

Okay. It's night.

A teenage girl finds a zit and a doozy at that.

Mom won't let you out this late, so it's midnight run time for a little benzoyl

peroxide. Carrie, you get to drive, but you have to buy the zit cream because

Pamela here can't be seen buying that kind of goop. Should I keep going or

you heard enough?

How did you learn to do that?

In the army, studying aerial photos.

In a split second, I had to decide.

Weapon of mass destruction or just a dude?

What's everybody doing out here?

Oh, no.

What happened?

I don't need this.

I did it.

He did it.

Yeah.

Sorry, it was late last night. There was an emergency.

I didn't have time to unplug my van, so I borrowed your car.

I found it that way in the parking lot.

And they call it a gentleman's club.

Thank you. Thank you. Why did you do that? Come on, you're family.

Blood is thicker than... Oh, my God, it's scaring me.

Mom?

I need you to sign this. I'm kind of in trouble.

What is it?

Improper displays of affection in the halls without a path?

Did you kiss Missy in the hallway?

It wasn't Missy. It was Robin Riddell.

She's always kind of had a crush on me, plus I need to practice.

You need to practice kissing?

You're a 14 -year -old boy. You're not supposed to be good.

CJ told me I should practice kissing lots of other girls so I'd be good when

finally get my hands on Missy.

Get your hands on... CJ told you this?

Yeah.

Well, did he also tell you that you'd be having a month of Saturday detention?

What? Mm -hmm.

Rory, give me a minute.

I love that, C .J.

I'm going to shout it from the rooftop.

Now, look, Dad, we haven't heard C .J.'s side of the story.

And when we do, then we can ring his scrawny little name.

You know, it's one thing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but I cannot

stand when a member of my own family is lying straight to my face.

practicing her scared pose.

Good one, friend.

What is wrong with you? She knows.

Grab a seat in the bed.

I'm going to mess you up, man.

I really ought to be taken seriously on this stupid bed. Yeah, tell me about it.

I took your stupid vice and kicked Robin Riddell.

Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

She's got to open my mouth too wide.

Ah -ha, rookie mistake.

She's got a stick in her face and a bucket.

Quite a nickel. The point is, if I miss it, found out I kicked someone else and

told me I could forget about the dance.

She said she wouldn't kiss me if I were the last guy on Earth.

Rory, I wouldn't kiss you if you were the last guy on Earth is a rite of

passage. Every guy hears that at some point. It's like, you're old and gross.

Rory doesn't make bands.

So help me God, take one more step, I'll bash your head in with this rock.

I don't understand.

Now Missy will probably hook up with someone else at dance and forget all

me.

I'm really, really sorry that that happened to you, pal.

But I kind of got to get moving.

Can we talk about it after the concert?

Or actually maybe in a couple days, because tonight's going to be really

and this conversation seems like it's got buzz killer written all over it.

I'm going to snag your light stick. How about that?

Rory!

Come on, man. We're talking the way to the show.

Where's Rory? Hey, Kate.

Where's Rory?

He's coming. He's in the van.

You told Rory that he could get a girl to like him by practicing kissing on

another girl?

I told him to practice, but I meant, like, on his hand or in the mirror.

On plush toys.

You give plush toys?

No, you give plush toys.

You know, CJ, I gave you a chance because I thought maybe you had matured.

But it's become pretty obvious that we were just another place to crash while

you followed Aerosmith on their tour.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Some birthday.

Now ask him for my money.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mr. Tennessee.

Hi, Misty.

Did I tell you you could go to a concert?

I didn't. I went to the school dance.

What? Oh, Rory was so cute. He came in, brought me a rose. I felt just like the

Bachelorette.

TJ drove me there. I was too scared to go in.

Then he convinced me I should.

When I got there, she looked so pretty. I got butterflies in my stomach.

Sorry you missed your Aerosmith concert.

It's cool.

You didn't go?

Anyway, I'm going to walk Missy home.

Hey, don't you two take French class together?

Wow, I can't believe you gave up your concert.

No biggie.

Wow, these are really good feet.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, I mean incredible feet. Yes, thank you.

Yeah, well, it has been fun. Why don't you drop by when you can stay a little

longer?

Look, I may have worn out my welcome here a little bit, and I'm sorry.

And I don't want to sound cheesy, but I just always wanted to be a part of a

family like yours.

I just kind of like hanging out with you guys.

Oh. Well, that was kind of sweet.

Yeah. Can you take me driving?

I'm sorry. That just slipped out. That really was sweet.

Now, wait one damn minute here before we all soften up like a bunch of pansies.

You look me in the eye and you tell me the truth. Why did it take so long to

come pay your respects to your Uncle Paul?

And, C .J., be honest for once.

I was ashamed.

You know, he was the only guy who said I'd be somebody.

And I never was.

I almost called him one time when I was running the tilt -a -whirl, but all the

parents freaked out because I was dialing instead of paying attention to

kids.

I've got to get out of here.

Where are you going to go?

Thought I might see my parents.

I thought they weren't talking to you.

I meant from a distance.

I could re -open the army.

Oh, wait, there's a war.

Technically, I don't know where I'm going, so... I'll be fine.

All alone.

I'll get my little space heater.

That's my space heater.

Did you wait?

Look, the truth is, this family doesn't really know where it's going either.

So...

Why don't you stay a little while?

In the driveway.

All right, until you can figure stuff out.

Can I have a key to the deadbolt?

No.

You know, CJ, I have to say, it is so nice to see the real you.

If there's one thing we value in this household, it's the truth.

Honesty.

unless she could drive.

You just asked him to stay.

Well, I... Oh.

Wow, Rory.

Where'd you learn how to kiss like that?

My cousin.

Your cousin?

Wait, no, it's not like it seems.

My cousin's a guy!