Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Uh, filling out a questionnaire for speed dating.

Speed dating?

Basically, you sit at a table at the mall and have a series of five -minute

dates with different women.

And how is that different from all your other dates?

They ring a bell at the end.

But you still go home alone.

Speed dating sounds like something for desperate people who want to have a

relationship without having to get to know each other. Yeah, you don't have to

sell me, baby. I'm there.

Hey, you guys. I've got great news. Mine's better.

My art project was chosen out of a hundred submissions to be displayed at

mall. They're making glitter mascara in my shade.

Did you hear that, gang?

In her shade.

My winning project is a statement about the objectification of women. It's a

transparent box big enough for me to sit in. Oh, Carrie, I don't even think you

could fit in that box.

This is a model. The actual one is much bigger.

Anyway, I'm making a point about men seeing women as shiny objects admired

for their superficial beauty.

Honey, that is just so... Wow, that stuff really makes your eyes sparkle.

Mom! Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm so proud.

I'm so proud.

That's exactly what my project is all about. I mean, look at you tarting

yourself all up. Everything you do is to get the attention of guys. It's also to

make other girls jealous.

Mom! So very proud.

This is so typical of my life. I do something really important, and then

just baths her glittery eyes, and nothing else matters.

Mom, you're not going to believe what just happened. I was on my way home, and

heard this engine sputter. I looked up, and this plane landed right in the

middle of the... Bridget, your eyes are beautiful.

Hey, forget about that. Carrie got on the chess club or something.

Over there, Grandpa, you missed the spot.

To the left.

No, to my left.

Well, don't get snippy. You know, in my day, women were oppressed, but they

didn't go down to the mall and shout about it.

No, they ironed and drank in secret, and everyone was happy.

I know I was.

So, this is the project that beat me.

Oh, my God, you're Tyler McVeigh. You won last year.

And even before.

But yours looks intriguing.

Well, it's not done yet. Good. I did an old man polishing a box two years ago.

I love that. I was partially inspired by that.

Well, why don't I come back when you're all set up?

I'd love to get a closer look.

Cool.

I'm Carrie.

See you later, Carrie.

Honey, who was that kid you were flirting with? I was not flirting.

Oh, my God, I can't believe someone like him would be interested in my work.

I knew he looked familiar.

A couple of years ago, he gave me 50 bucks to polish a box.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Wait, this is very important. I'm

match the butt to the teen star.

Listen, I'm doing a speed dating thing, and since you and I are the two most

successful daters in the house... When was your last date?

Uh, anyway, listen, um... I could use your advice.

Change the pants, lose the beard, get a job.

Oh, and use a moisturizer.

Thanks, but, uh, I'm serious.

What's in it for me?

First, if I get a date, I'll be around here less.

Second... Sold.

Listen, speed dating, you only got five minutes, and I got to come out of the

box. Boom!

All right, when I'm into a guy, give him a little shot of this.

What? That's ridiculous.

Lips, stop the lips. What are you doing? Don't do that in my mirror. What? You

don't like the lips? No, you look like that old Rolling Stones guy.

Oh, awesome.

You had to see that.

Yo, Nancy.

What's happening? Hey.

Hanging out, you know?

Well, come to us. We're going to go check out the arcade.

Oh, I'll catch up with you.

I'm kind of waiting on a lady.

Right, dog.

So, honey, race cars or dinosaurs?

and then see how long it takes you to escape.

It's art, not a magic trick.

I don't know. You sure made the people disappear.

You know what? Why don't you just run along, go buy some makeup? Carrie, I'm

kidding, okay? If you want people to stop and look at this, you can't be so

boring in there. You know, move around. Put on a show.

A little razzle -dazzle. You know, something like this.

Or like this.

Maybe I should just install, like, a big silver pole in here.

or shoes, I will give you a call. But when it comes to art, I think I know

people want to see.

You don't have a clue.

Don't talk to me like that. I'm art.

This is my thing, now get out!

Little girl, can you get out of the way? We want to see this.

Now, are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is out of this world.

You should see me in bicycle shorts.

How long have you been there?

Somewhere between what up, baby girl, and you put the fizzle in my dizzle.

Listen, I'll have them lining up around the block.

Especially when they see this.

Very impressive, but I think you're supposed to put the big bill on the

The big bill is on the outside.

Little disaster.

And the people really seem to be enjoying it. They're not supposed to

It's art.

Stop it!

Honey,

just calm down.

I'll get her out of the box. Try filling it with water.

Where are you going?

Away from here. I don't want anybody to know I had anything to do with that

embarrassment.

I want you out of there now.

All right, all right, all right. Five more minutes.

There you are.

I'd call your woman in a box.

Oh, I can explain.

I totally get what you were going for.

You do?

The objectification of women.

And that perfectly plastic blonde you put in there?

Brilliant choice.

Thank you.

You have... You have no idea what I went through to find her.

You know, this is something I don't say to a lot of girls, but I really get you.

And I, uh, I think you could get me.

You want to go out sometime?

Maybe get some coffee?

Are you wearing space pants because... Come on, I got four minutes and 56

seconds left.

You are putting a fizzle in my dick.

I laid down the wall with my mom.

I said, listen, Kate.

I call her that when I'm laying down the wall.

I said, from now on, when I'm doing my thing, you got to stay out of my grill.

So you don't have to call in or meet her or anything?

Dude, I told her, I do not need adult supervision at the mall.

Oh, hey, champ, I thought I saw you over here.

I got your favorite extra sprinkies.

That's why he calls them sprinkies, because when he was little, he couldn't

pronounce sprinkles.

Wait, guys.

Thank you, Grandpa.

Now I'm the biggest loser in the mall.

No, you're not the biggest loser in the mall.

I said Sprinkies.

Well, yes, you did. You think I'm going to forget the cute things my grandson

said?

Hey, take my place at speed dating. I don't want to lose my turn. I'm on fire

today. Oh, Sprinkies.

Maybe it was him.

Hey, aren't you the girl from the box?

Yeah. I enjoyed watching you.

Well, everybody does. I'm Bridget.

I mean, I'm Bridget.

You'd take someone with real depth to pull off that plasticity.

Totally.

I know something geek was going on in there.

I mean, what were you thinking about in that box?

Oh, war, suffering, but mostly puppies.

Wow. You know, I don't say this to a lot of girls, but I really get you.

And I think you could really get me.

You want to go out sometime?

You know, I don't know what kind of girl you think I am, but I don't go out with

anyone unless I know them just a little better.

I don't even know your name. I'm Tyler.

How about tonight, Tyler?

In my day, yeah, we took a girl out on a date. We bought her candy and flowers.

I like roses.

And then drove her out to the lake, to that special spot under the pines, and

talked. And not in five -minute increments.

Okay, she got the five, but I got most of the ones back.

So now you've spent a few minutes with the Museum of Natural History.

How about a little modern art?

I'm sorry, could you leave us alone? I'm talking to this gentleman.

But he's not even... I'm the one... But come on, you're...

Okay, before you say anything, I'm so sorry I stole your art project at the

mall. It's your thing, not mine. Please don't be mad at me anymore.

It's okay. I'm not mad.

Well, you were really pissed off this morning.

Well, you know us artists, we get all moody because of paint fumes and

everything.

But I'm over it.

You're over it? I stole your scrunchie like six years ago, and you never let me

live that down.

I met a guy.

Really? Yeah, and he thinks I'm brilliant for putting you in the box,

I'm going to go with that.

Wow, and I thought this box was the most important thing in your whole life.

I know. I am the world's biggest hypocrite, and I've sold out everything

believe in for a guy.

Oh, Carrie, we are sisters.

Oh, Lori, you know, I just bought you that shirt.

Mom, would you stop doing that?

I'm not five years old.

I don't need race car pajamas.

I don't need you to hold my hand at the mall, and I don't need my napkin tucked

in.

I just need you to start treating me like an adult.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Now, can I please have more paschetti?

That's right, you are paschetti, you were sprakies, and you just love to go

-pee in the garden.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to have to go.

Where are you taking her?

Well, I thought a drink and a movie and then, you know, who knows?

Uh, just a reminder, I'm over my I want a little sister phase.

You know, I don't get it. I strike out a million times in a row. This guy steps

up once, gets a home run. What's the secret?

Well, C .J., I just try to be myself. I don't try to dress it up and sell it.

And if that doesn't work, I tell some cock and bull story about a lake.

No hard feelings, right? I forgot about it already.

Looks like our five minutes are up.

Don't wait up.

You know, the guy's an inspiration.

I hope I'm still getting dates when I'm his age.

I hope you get a date before you're his age.

Hey, what took you girls so long?

Talking, you know, a little sister time.

Ah, so everything is okay again?

Yes, we realize it's really dumb to fight over petty things. We are way more

mature than that.

And we both met great guys.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'm going out tonight, and I'm going out tomorrow night. Okay, I get it. I'm the

only one not going out.

CJ, let it go.

I've let it gone.

What's their name?

Tyler.

McBain?

Oh, my God. Wait, you and Al?

How could you do this to me? What? I didn't do anything to you. Girl. You do

what you always do. God, is there any part of my life you don't want to take

away from me? I don't want your hair.

That's right, Bridget, make a joke.

It's not a joke to me.

You know what?

Just take it all. I give up. I'll just disappear.

That's why I don't date.

Yeah, that's why.

But you wanted to just call this Tyler and cancel.

Why are you taking her side? I didn't do anything wrong.

I know you didn't.

It's complicated.

It has to do with the kind of person you are and the kind of person Carrie is.

Let me break it down for you, Bridgie.

There's two types of people in this world, right?

There's the good people, the solid people like Carrie and your mom here.

And then there's us.

Yeah.

The beautiful people.

Yeah.

We burn hot, baby. Red hot.

All right?

But every now and then... and we gotta turn the heat down a little bit so the

good people can throw off a spark or two.

We would be so grateful.

Penny, why don't you call this Tyler and cancel?

For Carrie.

I mean, he's obviously not the world's greatest guy.

But, Mom, he's so cute, and we're not even sure it's the same Tyler McBain.

Bridget, Mom, I haven't had a boyfriend this entire year.

It's been a year? Well, I feel a little better.

Let me go at this from a different angle. Just imagine for one minute what

would be like to be Bridget's little sister.

Oh, my God. I'd have the coolest, hottest older sister in the whole world.

And there'd be a few other things.

You wouldn't be the girl that gets all the guys.

You wouldn't be the girl that everything comes so easily to.

And you wouldn't be the most popular girl at school.

Honey, I'm not going to forbid you from seeing this guy.

But... Do you really want to do that to your sister?

Just think about it.

Okay with the bells.

There's no bell.

Oh.

I'm so glad we're out together.

Me too.

Your mind fascinates me.

Hey, use your paper painter.

Oh, I would have to say Pasquale.

Pasquale. I'm not familiar with his work.

Oh, he did our garage for really cheap.

I really like you, Bridget.

And I really get you.

Oh, not so fast. You haven't gotten me yet.

Ah, there it is.

Do you want to hop in?

No. The whole point is the objectification of women. I mean, if a

would totally compromise the integrity of the piece.

I meant together.

Yeah, sure.

After you.

It's going to be a little cramped in here.

No, no, I don't think it's going to be that bad.

Go for it.

Hey, I believe you've met the artist.

My sister.

What? Your sister?

say this to a lot of guys, but we really got you.

Thank you. You were awesome. You know what? You would have done the same thing

if I was your little sister.

You're right.

Carrie, look, I'm sorry if I do that thing where I steal stuff that's

to you. I don't do it on purpose.

I know.

I'm going to try to be more sensitive to that.

You are the best sister.

I know, but I promise to try not to be so obvious about it.

Let me tell you a little bit about my style.

I like to take a girl out.

I like to buy her nice things.

Candy, flowers.

I like roses.

We take off to the river and park underneath the trees, the pine, you

and just talk.

Like the old days, people don't just talk. And not for five -minute

you know.

Okay, well, I guess not.

Thanks anyway.

Are you wearing space pants?

You know what? I am.