All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S09E16.The.Downtown.Boys.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Back in the '80s,
there were no closer friends

than my brother Barry's crew,
the JTP.

They played together,
lived together,

even did whatever
this was together.

Yep, they were inseparable.

For my brother and his boys,

this was how
it would be forever.

Or so they thought.

Oh, man, that was

an epic Pat's vs. Geno's
cheesesteak taste battle,

and they're still
going at it inside me.

Uh, it's nothing
the good folks
at Tums can't handle.

I read an article
in Reader's Digest.

- Said to use Gas-X.
- Oh.

Let's see,
I can't read the dosage.

Is that a "3"
- or a cartoon butt?
- Let me take a look.

Here, can you hold
my walking stick?

What's going on
with you guys?

You're acting like old men.

How much time does Naked Rob
need in the bathroom?

Ow!

What was that?

Look, it's a bunch of kids
smashing fruit like
we used to!

Attention, random youths!

Did you get express written
consent to play our game?

What are you saying,
old dude?

"Old dude"?

How dare you?

We're young like you.
Maybe younger.

Judging from your use
of the phrase "How dare you?"

you probably have
a bank account.

Shows what you know.

I don't.

Bar, you don't have
a bank account?

Not even
a simple checking?

- Gotta build credit, bro.
- Never!

And I challenge our peers here
to a game of smashball.

Bring it on, George Burns.

I assume you mean
teenage George Burns,

so thank you.

And so began the most
embarrassing game of smashball

the JTP ever played.

They whiffed bad. Oh!

They swallowed their pride --
and probably some seeds. Oh! Ugh!

And in a game
that they created,

a game with
no real scoring... Oh!

...or means
to determine a winner,

JTP clearly lost. Oh!

Ugh, I think I have
a grape in my ear.

Also, how long has Naked Rob
been in the bathroom?

I mean, at what point
do we check?

I'll go get some Nuprin
from my car.

No pills!

Our bodies
heal themselves naturally.

It's more about
pain management.

No, the JTP never give up.

To quote the sloppily
edited-for-TV version

of Lethal Weapon,

"I'm too old
for this ship."

No, we are not!

If anything, we're too young
for this [BLEEP]... Ow!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was March 16th,
1980-something...

My newly married sister was
headed out for her honeymoon.

Okay, I'm off to the Poconos
with my husband.

Whoa, "husband."

That sounds so weird.
Am I saying it right?

"Hoos-bond"?
The Poconos?

I thought that place
was made up.

Nah, it's a place
where young people who have

no jobs or money
go on their honeymoon.

"Hey, we're married now.
There's a tree."

Have your fun, but while
I'm starting my new life,

you'll be here
all alone with Mom.

What are you talking about?

Dad's at that furniture
convention, remember?

Wow, people will really
- convene over anything.
- Oh.

And while he's away,
Mom is gonna be on you

like gravy on rice.

You put gravy on rice?

You can gravy anything,
Dave Kim.

But the point is,
- Adam's in real trouble.
- Dammit, she's right!

She's gonna smother me
like gravy on muffins.

Gravy is not
that versatile.

Unless... Unless what?

...you watch our apartment
while we're away.

Water our plants,
check our mail,

be there when
our new dishwasher arrives.

No way. You just want me
to be your houseboy.

No, but the delivery window

is anytime
between 8:00 and 6:00

for the next 13 days.

Adam, exciting news.

I made us matching bed coats

for our thrilling week
of fun together.

Mom, I realize Dad's
out of town,

but it's actually
my spring break.

I know that, silly.

Welcome to
South Madre Island.

I bought a Frisbee

and a couple
of inflatable flamingos.

Hey, just like MTV...

but not at all.

- I'm gonna go.
- Me, too.

Have fun in your
spring-break bed coats.

Wait! Actually, Mom?

Erica asked me
to watch her apartment

while she's away,
and I graciously accepted.

But that's...
downtown,

where the buildings
and busy people are.

I would have loved to stay
and braid your hair,

but brother duty calls.

- You made a good choice.
- Ultimately, I didn't have one.

While
I was fleeing my mom
for the big city,

Barry was determined

to return the JTP's
youthful spirit.

- Do you have pogo sticks?
- This is a Shade Shack.

Dammit!

What else ya got
that can rekindle

my best friends'
youthful spirits?

Have you seen these?

They're... red.

In that moment,
Barry knew exactly

what would help his friends
feel alive again.

It's perfect.

So, dudes, for $99.99,

I can turn you into stars.

Or detail your cars.
Either way.

You two, leave.

Whoa!

There's a man who knows
what he wants.

- What do you want?
- Your search is over.

I got your next boy band
- right here.
- Excellent!

I would love
to meet this child
that you are obscuring

behind your strange body.

The child is me.

I and my
similarly shaped amigos

will become
the next Menudo.

But, you know, in English.

May I inquire as to how young
a teen you may be?

What's with the
- Barbara Walters interview?
- Apologies.

This is my younger brother,
Jean Calabasas.

And before you ask,
different fathers.

He wasn't gonna ask.

Well, then, here's an answer
to another question

you have not yet posed.

Yes, you're a star, baby!

- I am?
- He is?

I awkwardly just said it,
didn't I?

I took one look at you
and your anonymous bros,

and I can tell you,

your boy band
is gonna be a success.

I knew coming
to the mall today
would solve all my problems!

Brother, uh,
private business meeting.

I'm not comfortable
with this.

You want cash
for culinary school,

he wants to give it
to you.

Everybody wins,
especially me.

I can hear you guys.

And pretty soon,

with my little bro's
expensive guidance,

America's gonna hear you
on every radio station.

I'm assuming you can
sing and dance.

- Obviously.
- Doesn't matter, but I knew it.

So, as soon as that cash
hits my hand,

this guy is gonna jump aboard
your rocket ship

to fame and fortune.

Rocket? I don't wanna get
in any vehicle with this guy.

And that's the kind
of honest feedback

you can expect
from this mall's

preeminent boy-band
aficionado.

Take my father's money!

As Barry
was getting his band
up and running,

Dave Kim and I
were heading downtown

to see what it had to offer.

Wow, we're on our own
in the big city.

The concrete jungle,
where buildings touch the sky.

And blot out the sun.

I hope these city dwellers
are supplementing
with vitamin D.

Come on, let's just
get out there

and see what she has
to offer.

The art, the cuisine
from far and wide,

the most sophisticated
and urbane people
in the world.

Philadelphia?

There's a guy out there
in an Eagles jersey

screaming "Dallas sucks!"
as he pukes.

It's a Tuesday
in the spring.

Dave Kim,
whether you like it or not,

we're downtown boys now,

and we're gonna do
downtown-boy things.

Fine.
I could get a coffee.

Yes! Let's do it.

So
we hit the streets.

And for a moment,
it was pretty great.

Ah, I love coffee!

It's so bitter and awful,

but also alluring
and delicious.

My twitching eyes
and racing heart

are distracting me from
my impending tummy trouble.

But,
soon, the streets
started to hit back.

Hey, spare a dollar?

Oh, sorry,
but I only have a 20.

And I only got three toes.

He makes a good argument.

Well, spend it wisely.

Hey, give me these.

Hey!

Whoa!
He can really move

for a guy with
incomplete feet.

But our bad luck
didn't end there.

Hey, you guys
want to see a show?

I can't read it.

Is it a play or a musical?

It's called
"Girls! Girls! Girls!"

And the cast is wearing
a lot of lipstick.

They'll do or wear
whatever you want.

Oh!

Immersive theater.

Oh, no!

Adult situations!

- Run, Dave Kim!
- Run where?

It's all a blur! Oh!

Even
the magic show
we stumbled upon

didn't lift our spirits.

That one has to be
the queen.

Sorry.

Well, you are quite
the prestidigitator.

you call me?

- Run, Dave Kim!
- Hey.

Why are we running
so much?

My God, millions of people
choose this life?

And how have we passed
20 tattoo parlors

and not a single
LensCrafters?

Okay, we'll be safe
as long as we stay together.

Oh, there's my mom.

- See ya.
- But we're downtown boys!

I'm sorry.

I'm not, and I never will be,
a downtown boy.

That's not your mom!

And just like that,
I was alone in the big city.

Which totally wasn't
a problem,

right after I called
my own mommy.

Schmoopie, what is it?

I was robbed by a man
- with no toes!
- Oh, no!

And I saw some ladies
through the crack of a door. Oh, no!

And the magic-show man
raised his voice at me.

- Oh, no!
- The city is awful.

Everywhere I go,
something drips on me,

even when
it's not raining.

Where's it coming from?

Mama's on her way.

Poopaloo!

The city
can't get you now.

Lock the door!
There's a bike in the hall!

As my mom
came to my rescue,

Barry wanted
to save his friends

from thinking their best days
were behind them.

JTP except for Geoff,
who's on his honeymoon!

JTP except for Geoff,
who's on his honeymoon!

I have great news.

Your pathetic
display yesterday

of weakness and physical
dilapidation has borne fruit.

I, I wouldn't say pathetic.

How dare you
let yourself age.

Aw, come on, Bar,
it's not about getting older.

We're just a little distracted.

Like, I think I picked
the wrong major.

I mean, art history?

What the hell
am I supposed to do
with that when I graduate?

I, too,
am at a crossroads.

Um, my dad's retiring.

And I always thought,
you know,
if nothing panned out,

I could just follow him
into that career,

but that door
has just been shut.

You're upset
you can no longer

manufacture
toddler car seats?

We saved lives.

Except for that one model.

I've gone as far
as I can go at the Gap.

The back-to-school rush
used to be exhilarating.

But nowadays,
it's just like,

"Will these kids please stop
unfolding the jeans?!"

I was barely listening,

but I have
the perfect solution.

We're gonna be
in the next great boy band.

Hey, I'm Jean Calabasas,

your manager
and boy-band consultant.

And it's worse
than I thought.

Bar, what's going on?

We're not boys anymore.

We're boys
who just happen to be older

than
conventionally aged boys.

- You mean, adults?
- Sure, but also boys.

And I have the perfect name
for our band.

- "Men4
- Boyz"?

I took one of the best
boy-band names,

Boyz II Men,
I flipped it,

then I doubled it.

That reads like
"Men for boys."

We're a tad older,
but still youthful.

Twice as good.

I flipped it,
and then I doubled it.

Yeah, I'm gonna move on.
He's not getting it.

What does this guy do?

I really don't
have an answer for you.

Maybe, uh,
nodding and smiling.

He's the man behind
the men who are boys.

For example, you, uh,
you want a soda?

- He gets you a soda.
- No.

- He writes the songs.
- I don't.

- Does the choreography.
- Uh-uh.

Free spirit
who can't be tamed.

I love it.
What do you say?

Will you take my hand
and join me on this journey

of dance-pop success?

I do need a distraction.

I mean, the deadline
to switch majors

isn't till tomorrow.

Maybe my father will see me
struggling and not retire.

All the right reasons.

Hands in!

- - Men4
- Boyz!
- I'm not saying that.

- Sounds bad on the ear.
- I don't get how you don't hear it.

To the studio!

Come on.
Come on, Jean.

None of you
can ride with me.

My brother had somehow
convinced the JTP

to form a boy band,
despite the fact

that none of them
were actually boys.

Gentlemen!

Look at each other closely.

Today is the last day

you're all nameless losers.

- Losers?
- Don't you want this?

'Cause there's
a trillion other boys

right behind you who do.

That seems like
too many boys.

Okay, I'll jump right in,
or we'll never get home.

Show me your moves.

I have pretty severe
arthritis in my ankles.

- It's hilarious.
- Uh, is this gonna be high-octane?

The highest.

- How are your singing voices?
- Not good.

I have something called
performance burps.

I produce too much saliva.
Will that be an issue?

I sing like an angel,
but, unfortunately,

I was just diagnosed
with a rare condition

called Dog-Hair Lung.

I guess that's not nothing.

Damn right, it isn't.

'Cause Jean here
is gonna transform us

from a ragtag group

with an alarming
amount of physical
and emotional ailments

into a teen
sound sensation.

Why don't we start
- with some scales?
- No need!

I've already taken
the liberty of writing

an international mega-jam
with choreography.

It's called
"Age Appropriate"?

There's a slim chance
some of our fans might think

we're slightly older

than our smokin'-hot
teenage personas.

So I decided to steer
into the skid,

crafting a song
that both rocks bodies

and answers questions.

Uh, I guess we're really
gonna do this.

Two, three, four!

♪ Oh, girl,
where are you from?

♪ It's super cool
that we're both so young

♪ Yeah, girl

♪ I think it'd be groovy

♪ To take you out
to an R-rated movie

♪ Hey, girl,
there's nobody finer

♪ But I cannot hang with you
if you are a minor

♪ Because of my age,
certain statutes apply

♪ If you're under 18,
then I'm just not your guy

♪ Yo, girl

♪ Or should I say,
young lady

♪ I need to see some I.D.,
and then we can go crazy

♪ You gotta be
age appropriate

♪ We're boys but also men

♪ Please be age appropriate

♪ And that means 8 plus 10
♪ Or older

♪ What's up, girl,
or should I call you "madam"?

♪ I know you don't know me,
know me from Adam

♪ Adam's my brother, he's 17

♪ If you're young like him,
then you're too green

♪ But if you can vote
or buy a gun

♪ Then you and me
can have some fun

♪ You gotta be age appropriate

♪ We're boys
who can grow beards

♪ Please be age appropriate

♪ Or else it would be weird ♪

That... was... amazing.

- Yes!
- That was your takeaway?

Besides the lyrics
and our voices,

it was so great
to groove with you guys.

I liked the little
shuffle we did.

I liked the shuffle, too!

My ankle's kinda
blowing up now.

Jean, get on the phone,
call Veterans Stadium.

Why exactly
would I do that?

'Cause we're gonna
need a venue

that can hold
all our screaming fans.

You have half a song

about a kind of
controversial issue,

and that guy
is laying down.

You see it, too.

Okay, I'll put you
in our mall showcase

with the other children,

but it's gonna cost you
another $99.

Boys,
we have our manager,

and he loves our sound.

I got a dollar
if you have 100.

As
the JTP was dreaming
of superstardom,

my mom had come to rescue me
from my big-city nightmare.

Schmooey,
spring break is here.

Time to rise and shine.

Ugh, no, thanks.

Between the coffee shakes

and the ominous soundtrack
of the city,

I barely slept.

Oh, well, I guess
- I could take a stroll.
- There you go.

And so, my mom began
her own big-city adventure.

She got coffee.

I just bought coffee
from a woman named Domino.

She made friends. How delightful!

She explored
the local art scene.

A one-woman show
at a bookstore?

And, of course, she shopped.

Yay! The combined headwear
of Mary and Rhoda,

TV's most modern
and independent gals.

She met the colorful locals.

Oh, my!

You are the most scrumptious
mama I've ever seen!

I know!

Such splendid
and unnecessary color.

You know,
I don't think

I've ever said this
to a woman before,

but I love you.

Yep, unlike me,
my mom couldn't get enough

of her downtown adventure.

She didn't want it to end.

There you are!
Thank God!

- Let's go.
- Yeah, we should go.

Shoot!

What about Erica's
dishwasher?

- Shoot.
- She doesn't need a dishwasher!

- She's got Geoff.
- No, you know what?

You go. Take the car.

No sense in both of us
waiting around.

Love your thinking.

How full is the gas tank?

Doesn't matter.
I'm not stopping.

As my mom
was discovering
she was a downtown girl,

Barry and the JTP
were preparing

to get up onstage
in front of a bunch of kids.

Wow,
they are really good.

And really boys. Not to worry.

When they see our act,
they'll go cryin' home
to Mama.

Because they still live
with their parents,

because, again,
they're boys.

Ah-ha! There they are,
my golden geese.

'Cause we're gonna give you
a stack of hit records.

What else
could I possibly mean?

Are you boys ready
to go on?

- He just called us boys.
- I'm pumped!

I have the right
shoes on.

- This is really happening.
- I can't let you do this.

Um, he means that
we can't let you do this

without a good-luck pat
on the head.

Ooh, wow.

So wet for no reason.

No, my conscience
- won't allow it.
- I don't get it.

Why do you suddenly
not believe in us,

Jean Calabasas?

Because I never
believed in you.

I just wanted to open
a burger stand in a train car.

Guys, now that the adrenaline
has flushed from my body,

I'm realizing I'm about
to sing and gyrate

in front of a bunch
of children.

What have I been
talked into?

I see my niece out there!

- Yeah, I'm 100% out.
- Guys, wait!

No, Bar, I,
I can't believe you're gonna
let us go out there.

- What am I wearing?
- I can't believe you made us

do a photo shoot on the pier.

- The pier, Barry!
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Maybe I was just trying
to convince you guys

that no matter
how old you are

or how your bodies feel
or what life throws at you,

you can do anything,
'cause you're the JTP.

You're invincible.

I just wish
you would see yourselves

the way I see you.

That was incredibly moving.

No refunds, boys.

While Barry
was upset to give up his
boy-band dreams,

I was ecstatic to be
in the comfort of my own home.

Man, it's good to be back
in the loving bosom
of the 'burbs.

But what happened downtown,

the things we saw,

hell, the things we did...

Don't be surprised if society
doesn't understand us anymore.

Is your mom home yet?
Someone needs to feed me.

She should have been here
by now.

Can we call your mom
to feed us?

She's working
at the restaurant

feeding someone else's son.

I'll call my mom
and ask if she can get

one of her friends
to feed us.

They live for that
kind of thing.

- Hello?
- Mrs. Kremp?

Essie, is that you?
Where are you with the wine?

It's Adam Goldberg.

Oh, my God, you sound
exactly like Essie.

Randall,
you gotta hear this!

There are people
at the apartment.

Mrs. Kremp,
what's going on?

Did my mom ask you over

so she could tell you
how to feed me?

No, that's gotta be Essie.

Essie, darling,
where's the wine?

That's what I'm saying.
It's not her.

Dude, you mom is having
a bohemian city party.

My mom embracing
the counterculture?

She wouldn't let the guy
who patched the roof
use the bathroom.

Whatever she's doing,
it sounds like that apartment

is full of life
and new ideas.

That's
when it hit me.

She was in trouble. Oh, no!

Mama!

Everyone, hands up!

Or you have to deal
with blue here!

- Adam?
- Oh, sweet Mama, you're alive!

So, it's not just
on the phone.

Has he always sounded
like Essie?

I don't know.
I didn't hear it till today.

Yeah, I'm gonna leave.

There are, like, murderers
and stuff out there.

Adam, baby,
why'd you call the fuzz?

"Fuzz"?

You're even using
their lingo now?

- Who's "they"?
- City folk.

- How are you thriving here?
- I don't know.

There's a new discovery
around every corner.

Exactly!
And I'm terrified
of all of it!

I mean, I'm supposed to go
to NYU next year.

How the hell
am I gonna survive that?

Schmoo... I just don't think
I can do it.

I just don't.

After failing
to keep his best friends
youthful with the boy band,

Barry felt more
out of tune than ever.

Hey, Bar, can we talk?

So you can tell me
you're replacing me

as leader of the JTP?

Why would we do that?

'Cause I tried
to make you shimmy

for preteens
and their moms.

Well, admittedly,
that wasn't great,

but the idea
behind it was.

Yeah, you were just trying
to lift our spirits.

And you saw
how burdened we were

with all the stuff
that comes with getting older.

And you wanted to remind us
that no matter what,

we're young at heart.

And you did it
because you love us.

I really do.

And we love you,
too, man.

And that makes you
the best leader

the JTP could ever have.

JTP!

JTP!

Get in here.

♪ I can't get to sleep ♪

So, does this mean you might
reconsider forming a group?

We have something else
in mind.

With that, the JTP
didn't return to the stage.

But they did return
to the Wawa.

Cheggit.

Grampa Munster
is back for a rematch.

Game on.

As the JTP
reclaimed their past,

I was still worried
about my future.

Hey.

I got you a souvenir.

A Liberty Bell key chain?

Really? So I can be
constantly reminded

that I couldn't hack it
in the big city?

Adam, next year,
you're gonna put

your dorm and mail
and bike keys on this,

and a million other keys

that are gonna unlock
the whole world.

That's sweet.

But, honestly,
I'm not sure I'll survive.

I'm gonna have to live
in New York on my own.

It's gonna be
an adjustment.

But you'll learn to love it,
and you'll never be alone.

Oh, because
I'm gonna have a roommate

going through
the same things I am?

Oh, no!
I'll be there constantly.

Turns out,
I love the city.

I know.

- When did that happen?
- Too late.

I never got the chance
to live the life you will

as a young person.

And truthfully,
I regret it.

And the last thing
I would ever want

is for you
to regret it, too.

Thanks, Mom.

Part of growing up
is facing change.

And change can be scary.

But even though you can't
turn back the clock...

Yeah! ...every once in a while,

you might be able
to slow time down a little.

JTP!

JTP! More than anything,
in the end,

living in the present
is what's most important.

When you savor every moment

with the people
you care about most,

life is extra sweet.

- So good, man.
- Oh, yeah.

- Nice.
- We did it, man.

Adam, what the hell?!

Oh, right!

The dishwasher.

Thanks for bringing it in.

Who are all these people?

I'm Randall.

This is DominoHi!

...JuniperHey.

...Roxie...

I don't want to know
all these people.

And, Adam, I didn't
give you permission

to throw a party.

Oh, this isn't mine.

Who wants sangria?

The peaches are from
Carlos' bodega!

Gracias, Carlos!

We are gonna have
such a good time

being downtown girls.

Oh, no.