All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S09E12.The.Kissing.Bandits.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Back in the '80s,
nothing warmed your heart

on a cold day
like winter sports.

And each snowy season,

my family would take
to the slopes...

And by slopes,
I mean our lumpy couch

where we'd watch 'em on TV.

Who was
the first guy
who thought

bobsledding was
a good idea?

"Let's get in this tube
and fall down a mountain
with three other dopes."

Tightly packed in
a cocoon of my schmoos
huddled together for warmth.

Ooh, I call center bob!

I'm all about
speed skating.

Actually, I do
a little at home.

After Geoff waxes
our floors,

I speed skate
to the fridge
in my socks.

Seeing my love barrel
into our Frigidaire
for some OJ

makes all that
back-breaking
waxing worth it.

Stay tuned
for opening day

of the ice dancing
competition.

Only on ABC!

I need to, uh,
go do some
laundry downstairs

where I do laundry

downstairs.

Okay, well,
set it to the
"nobody cares" cycle.

I too need
to abruptly leave.

Just randomly going
our separate ways.

A commonplace
everyday exit

none of you should
examine further.

None of them
suspect a thing.

I'm tingling
in anticipation!

Positions!

Yep,
they were obsessed with

British ice
dancing superstars
Torvill and Dean.

Such a harrowing
and dangerous sport.

They're basically
spinning around

with 10-inch
butcher knives
on their feet!

Barry, look at me.

You don't have to
pretend the danger
is why you love this.

Be open and free
with Mama.

Damn it, you're right.

It's the grace,
the elegance.

The way the light
shines off
their costumes

as they're spinning
around like human
disco balls.

I know.

I just don't think
my friends or our family

would understand
my appreciation for
"the gorgeous game."

Oh, for sure.

And they'll forever
judge you
if they find out.

But don't worry.

Mama will take
your secret
to the grave,

in our double coffin,
where our skeletons
will hold hands.

No. Double coffin?
What if we don't
die together?

Oh, we will.

You know,
I have always
wished that

you and I could take
to the ice together.

You know, the very
first ever mother-son
ice dancing duo.

Like Torvill and Dean?

But Goldberg
and Goldberg!

I love that you feelcomfortable telling me this,

but that will never,
never, never, never,
never, never...

Catch Mama
in a classic Lutz!

No, not ready!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
Clearer every day ♪

It was January 19th,
1980-something,

and I'd just gotten back from
an epic college orientation.

There he is.
How was the
big weekend?

I loved every moment!

And I'm basically already
an NYU legend.

That sounds way wrong,
but spare no detail.

Let's just say I had quite
a few tiny servings of Jell-O,

which at first I thought
was the after-school treat

we all love,
but guess what?

There was alcohol in it?

So you're aware!

There I was mowing down
all the yummiest flavors.

Grape, lime,
wild cherry.

The whole time, I'm thinking
I had a sweet tooth,

but turns out...
I'm a wild man!

I sipped my aunt's
Long Island iced tea once,

so, been there.

Best part was,
it was packed with

so many bright-eyed
incoming film students,

it was like
a roomful of me's.

That doesn't
sound exhausting.

They kept passing
around my camera,

everyone filming
with their own flair,

their own panache,
their own joie de vivre.

What fun new words!

And not at all
an obnoxious peek

at what freshman you
will be like.

I've got the footage
right here.

Let's see the Jell-O
Fellow in action!

Ha! The Ed Grimley dance!
Timely and timeless!

"I fart in your
general direction!"

My "Holy Grail"
material killed.

NYU, NYU, NYU...

And then
we saw something
that would alter

the course of my life
as I knew it.

Oh, balls!
I don't remember this!

That's definitely
you kissing a girl

that isn't
your girlfriend.

That can't be right.
Maybe it's for a scene?

That just happened!
And it wasn't for a scene!

What am I gonna do?
This'll ruin everything!

It's clear what
the right thing to do is.

You have to tell Brea.

Nothing! You tell
Brea nothing.
Wait, what?

You said it
yourself, Adam.

You don't even
remember this.

I really don't.

If this tape didn't exist,

none of us would even
know about this.

If it were the 1880s
instead of the 1980s,

you'd just be back at
the homestead clearing brush.

The tape does exist,

and at no point in history

would Adam ever be
clearing anything.

Sweet angel of deceit!

Now Brea doesn't get hurt,
you don't hurt. No hurt.

So much hurt!

You've convinced me.
What other choice
do I have?

A very obvious
other choice!

And so, I followed
my wise older sister's advice

and acted like nothing
had happened,

which was harder
than I thought.

Today,
we will be discussing
"The Tell-Tale Heart,"

the story of a man
whose guilt over a lie

leads to his insanity.

Ah, no.
You okay?

Yeah, what are you,
some kind of liar

who keeps hearing
a beating heart?

What? No!

Just some
"Tell-Tale Heart" humor.

I thought you
read the story,
or were you lying?

Bum-bum, bum-bum,
bum-bum.

FYI, I've had
three heart attacks,

so if you see me
clutch my chest again,
you call a nurse.

Even at home,
my deception haunted me.

Hoo-hoo! Even with
a wonky eye,

Columbo can spot a liar
a mile away.

Maybe the murderer is lying
to protect someone's feelings.

I was talking to the TV.
Please don't interrupt us.

Hey! Off to
my weekend at Brown.

I'm gonna miss you.

Please have so much fun

that you don't even
think about me.

Wow. That's surprisingly
mature of you.

Yep, I'm super mature.
I'm basically an old man.

I'm George Burns
over here.

"Oh, God!",
"Oh, God! Book II,"
"Oh, God! You Devil."

All the vaguely
comedic greats.

Odd tangent, but honestly,

I'm too excited about
my trip to question it.

Funny you should
mention honesty
because I'm a big fan.

Okay. See ya Monday.

I know you did it.

I did! I'm guilty!

I'm so, so guilty!

You kicked the plug out
of the wall, you moron.

Oh. That?

Yes. I'm sorry you
had to stand.

Do better.

While I lived in fear
that my lie would get out,

Joanne was about to
discover that Barry

had a secret of his own.

Hey, babe, can
you grab me a...

Another Hostess
Pudding Pie?

I know what my guy likes.

But maybe she didn't.

Hmm.

'Cause in that moment,

something caught
Joanne's eye.

Intriguing.

Something scandalous.

That's curious.

Something so shameful
that if uncovered,

it would ruin him.

Barry, are you super
into those British

ice dancing sensations,
Torvill and Dean?

Of course not.
I only like manly things.

"T & D" is for
trucks and dogs.

Testosterone and donuts.

Tom and Doug.
You know, boys' names.

So she tried
a different tactic.

Phew, well,
that's a relief,

because Torvill and Dean
are overrated garbage.

You shut your gorgeous,
filthy mouth.

They're ice dancing gods.

I knew it.
You love them!

Damn it! It's true.

And I understand that
you have to pack up
and leave me.

I will forever
miss your face,
hair, and bottom.

You think I would
break up with you
over this?

But it's the opposite
of the me that

you and the world have
fallen in love with.

You should be proud
of all sides of your hot,
bonkers self.

Really?
Really.

Okay then.

I love ice dancing.

You don't need
to mumble it.

Say it loud,
say it proud.

I love ice dancing.

More. Make it
uncomfortable.

I love ice dancing!
There you go!

Oh, my God.

Yeah.
That feels so good!

Joanne.
Hmm?

You lifted a great
weight from my
super-jacked shoulders.

I love ice dancing!

While Joanne
helped Barry live his truth,

I was still living with
the weight of my own lie.

Until this.

I kissed someone
at Brown!
Oh, my God!

We were doing
karaoke, and...
And I got caught up

in the moment and...

And the song ended,
and he kissed me.

Sweet! I did the exact
same thing last
week at NYU.

Wait, what?
This is perfect.

I did some smooching,
you did some smooching.

We're even-stevens.

You're happy
about this?
Totally!

Now we can both wipe
our dubious slates clean.

Ooh, boy, what a relief.

Hold on. You kissed
someone over a week ago

and you were never
gonna tell me?

I just did.

Only because I told you
I kissed someone.

Exactly. We're both
awful, baby.

Forgive. Forget.
Even-stevens.

I felt horrible,
and I told you
immediately.

And you were just
gonna keep this
from me forever?

Not forever.
Just TBD.

I have to
think about this.

What's to think about?
Even-stevens.

As I got
iced out by Brea,

the Winter Games were
in full swing at home.

Aw, come on, USA!

Canada's flag
is a leaf!

That's the weakest
living thing
on the planet.

Sure, I pressed
a few into
my memory journal

last autumn after
a lovely drive up
to Vermont,

but we should be
raking these guys up.

Do better, America!

Technically,
Canada is America.

The best part of America.

Hoo, go, Canucks!

Since when are
you from Canada?

Since the first moment
I met you,

and subsequently
the millions of times
I've reminded you.

Doesn't ring a bell,

but someone's
a little proud
for nothing.

We are literally
beating your team.

Well, my bladder
has won out
over my laziness.

I'm gonna go undo what
the iced tea did to me.

You're early.

Well, I guess you're
here to watch hockey

with the fellas, huh?

Meet me downstairs
in an hour,

and we'll have some
ice dance snuggles.

No need to whisper,
Mother.

I come bearing
Pizza Hut pizza
as a side dish

to an equally tasty
and satisfying
announcement.

Hot damn! You know
how to enter
a room, son.

I'll take two
slices, please,

plus whatever nonsense
this is gonna be.

As you indulge,
know that I,
Barry Goldberg,

the epitome of all
that is manly,

love the graceful
sport of ice dance.

So we get
a pepperoni pie

just for you to say
the thing you like?

When Dolores' cousin
made "an announcement,"

there was confusion and tears,
and then a happy acceptance

where we all moved him up
to Greenwich Village.

He now works at a bar
called Fellas.

Great cocktails,
fun clientele.

You're not enraged
at my betrayal
of all that is macho?

Why would you ever
keep your love for ice
dancing a secret?

In fact, many moons ago,
I was a competitive
ice dancer.

More secrets revealed.

I've talked about
this many times.

You're a friend
of a friend.

How much am I really
expected to invest?

I was one-half of
the Torvill and Dean
of Canada.

Tremblay and Brown.

Now... Rest in peace,
Tremblay.

You skate with
the angels now.

While I've enjoyed
keeping our secret,

it'll be nice
not to have to watch

from the shadows anymore.

And I owe it
all to Joanne.

She is the wind beneath
my ice dancing wings.

Moving past that
controversial comment,

no, we're gonna
watch up here
tonight instead of

in the basement hot tub,
where we pretend

we're just
"having a normal
mother-son soak."

Correction. Joanne will
share in our passion
from here on out.

I can't wait
to tell her.

Bye!

What the
just happened?

After coming
clean about his love
of ice dancing,

my brother
was free to enjoy
his favorite sport

with his favorite girl...
And our mom.

Hot stuff
coming through,
and also cocoa.

See, I'm playful and not
at all super miffed
and confused.

Yep,
someone had gotten
between their secret

mother-son winter sport!

All right!

Ooh! Thanks for
the hot chocolate,
Mrs. G.

My pleasure, and don't
feel bad that
you showed up

empty-handed
like a rude,
intrusive guest

who doesn't
know her place.

Shh. They're
taking the ice.

Wait, is the guy Torvill
or the lady Torvill?

Um, hello, Torvill
is the blonde fox

in the glittering
skirt.

And Dean is the
blonde stud in the
sequined tuxedo.

I'm so
embarrassed for you.

You're just learning.

Ooh, I love how
their outfits sparkle
when they twirl.

I think you mean
"twizzle."

Did you hear
that, Barry?

She said "twirl" when
she meant "twizzle."

Is that not what it is?

Oh, Joanne,
you quirky rube
who knows nothing

and makes this experience
so much worse.

It's fine. I didn't
learn the terms
the first time either.

So is figure skating
always duos?

Is there ever something
crazy like a trio?

It is always two.

Three is garbage

in almost every situation
in life, Joanne.

I'm remembering I have
a lot of homework.

Aw, no, no,
come on,

we haven't even
gotten to the judges'
results yet.

Seems like maybe it
should just be between
the two of you.

Her words, not mine.
But also my words.

Mom!

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with
your girlfriend
who doesn't know

a leap from a Lutz?

That's what this is?
You're jealous of Joanne?

I thought ice dancing
was our thing.

But I guess you don't
see it that way.

Fine. Go.

But just like when
Dean frosted
his hair right before

Innsbrook in '84,
you surprised me
tonight, Mom.

While Barry
and my mom had it out,
I was desperate

to find a way to get back
in with my girlfriend.

Thank you for
coming here
to brainstorm

how to undo the damage
I've done with Brea.

So far, my only idea is
"build a time machine."

I once built
a soapbox car
for a derby.

But my dad did
most of the work.

We came in eleventh.

Great, Geoff,
quick question,
if you were me,

how would you sum up
that nonsense
for the chalkboard?

Sorry, but this never
would have happened

if you would have just
listened to my advice

and come clean
right away.

Please, none of this
would have happened
if you'd stuck

with my advice
and never said anything.

That's insane!
Is it?

He could have kept
his secret forever

and then had power
over Brea because
of her indiscretion.

Are you the devil?

That was one Halloween,
and P.S., buddy,

you liked that
costume a lot.

I'm sorry,
can I just ask,

do you go around
hiding smooches from me?

Of course not.

'Cause it feels like
maybe I'm engaged

to Morganna
the Kissing Bandit.

Morganna the
Kissing Bandit?

She's this delightful,
top-heavy woman
who goes around

from ballpark
to ballpark
stealing kisses

from unsuspecting
Major League
ballplayers.

Funny that Morganna
was so top of mind for you.

I know that you're hot
for Morganna, Geoff,

and it really hurts me.

I'm so sorry.
She means nothing to me,

and oh, my God,
are you manipulating me

to get the upper hand?

You see what I did
there, Adam?

These are the kinds
of tools that you need

to keep in your
relationship toolbelt.

Please don't listen
to my wayward fiancee.

What you need to do
is throw yourself
at Brea's feet

and tell her the kiss
meant nothing.

I would love that,
but I kinda have
a credibility issue.

She won't believe
anything I say.

But there might
be someone
she would believe.

Do you think
he's going to track
down Morganna?

Would you like him to?
No!

Yes! Maybe!

Her proportions
are ridiculous,

but I'm intrigued by
her eager spirit.

As I was determined
to repair my wrong,

Barry wasn't feeling
quite right.

Is everything okay?

That's what
I'm wondering.

Have Torvill and Dean
lost their magic?

The hairs on my arms
are laying flat.

I meant with you.

You have that look
on your face like when

they get your
order wrong
at Burger Chef.

What's so hard about
light lettuce,
12 pickles,

three onion slices,
double cheese,

two top buns and
ketchup-mustard at
a one to seven ratio?

You like what you like.

And I'm not liking this.
Hmm.

Are their costumes
less shimmery
than normal?

I'm no psychologist,
but I think you miss

watching ice dancing
with your mom.

Gross. No.

And I'm furious
at her for the way
she treated you

the other night.
It's okay.

She clearly was missing
her special time with you,

and honestly,
I kinda get it.

You do?
Yeah.

You two have been sharing
this one thing together

every four years ever
since you were just
a jacked little boy.

I guess watching
Torvill and Dean

is the only thing
my mom and I do
just the two of us.

Oh, I messed this up.

So go make things right.

I know exactly
what to do.

Just go watch with her?
Not enough.

My plan has to be
beautiful and intricate,

like a Torvill
and Dean twizzle.

I am the clay,
you are the sculptor.

Mold me with your
gentle giant
sculptor hands.

It would be an honor.

To be clear, you are
asking me to teach
you to ice dance?

Yes.
Let's not waste
another minute.

But there's no ice.
And where are
my skates?

You have to earn
your skates.

A five, six,
seven, eight.

And so,
Vic taught my brother
how to dance on the ice.

Yes, Barry.

In the headboard
and nightstand section
of a furniture store.

They cha-cha-ed,

they spun,

they even did
whatever this is.

Barry, you are ready.

While Vic
was teaching Barry
all of his tricks,

I was desperately hoping
to skate by with Brea.

I'm not ready
to see you yet.

I get it. I seem like
a scoundrel and a liar,

and as much as I want
to convince you
that I didn't

even know
the kiss happened,
which I didn't,

I can't expect you
to take my word for it.

Brea, meet
Allison Horowitz,

the girl I kissed
at NYU.

Oh! You brought the girl
you kissed to my house?

Sup?
Allison is here

to explain howmeaningless the kiss was.

Allison,
you have the floor.

Yeah, it felt like nothing.

Thank you, Allison.

Like, either
he wasn't into it,

or he's just
a really bad kisser.

Wasn't into it.

Just lifeless
and sloppy.

Okay, we get the gist.

And don't worry,
I have no feelings for him.

I barely even
remembered the kiss,
and as soon as I did,

I called my boyfriend
and told him
the whole thing.

So you told
your boyfriend
right away?

Of course.
I'm not psycho.

I thought
I vetted you
in the car!

Adam waited a week
to tell me,
and only because

of something
he kept calling
"even-stevens."

It's a common expression.

You waited a week?
That's not cool.

I know, right?

Like, why would
you wait?

Did the kiss mean
more to you
than it did to me?

Oh, oh!
I thought
the same thing.

No!

And you're kind of losing
the thread, Allison.

Well, this has been fun.

Maybe next time
you can bring
that weird

Princess Leia doll
you keep by your bedside.

She's boxed
for posterity.

There's nothing
going on there.

Ooh!

My jacket is caught
in the door.

Bye.

Barry had learned a few
tricks from an old pro

and was ready to give our mom
the gift of a lifetime.

This isn't
"Disney on Ice."

It's not.

And maybe an abandoned
parking lot

should have clued you in
a little earlier.

Joanne,
now is not the time

for a poorly planned
kidnapping attempt

because you're jealous
of my eternal youth.

The blonde
is in the building!

Barry, what's this?

Your favorite child
performing on frozen water
for your delight.

If I'm dreaming,
don't wake me.

I didn't know why
I was here,

but now I'm very
invested.

And now the student becomes
the slightly better student.

With that,
Barry took to the ice.

And despite
his best efforts...

Charley horse!
Charley horse!

Oh!

...he still sucked.

I can't help but
think I'm partially
to blame for

filling a young
man's head with
encouragement.

Barry, are you okay?

No! I'm an idiot.

This was supposed to be
my big apology

for not appreciating
our time together.

I'm the one who
should apologize.

I wasn't very
nice to Joanne
the other night.

You must think I'm crazy.

Hey, we're all a little
crazy when it comes
to loving Barry.

So much for your gift
of my twirling body.

I think I know what
the problem is.

You didn't have
the right partner.

Wait. Why are you
wearing that?

I've been wearing it since
the opening ceremonies.

Is this the world debut
of Goldberg and Goldberg?

You better believe it.

Let me just put on
my skates.

So you're dating
that man?

He's my one and only.

And there he goes,intertwined with his mom.

They really were.

That day, my mom
and Barry became one.

Somehow they moved
with grace and elegance.

They also threw this move in.

Yep, it was a mother-son
miracle on ice.

So beautiful.

Are you seeing
this, Tremblay?

Are you
seeing this?

As my mom
and Barry united

to become the first ever
family ice dancing duo,

I was making one last attempt

to keep Brea and me
from falling apart.

You really don't quit,
do you?

Not when it comes to you.

Please just hear me out.

No tricks this time,
just the truth.

Adam,
there's nothing to say.

There is.

Brea, I swear on my life,
I didn't even know

I kissed that girl
until I saw it on video.

It meant nothing,
and I should have told you

as soon as I found out.

The fact that I didn't
is one of the great
regrets of my life.

I get it.
We both made mistakes.

You weren't wrong
about that.

It's just...

The thing is
I don't know...

I don't know if I want
to keep doing this.

Doing what?

This thing where
I'm nervous
all the time about

what next year's
gonna be like.

I'm sure it's gonna
be hard at times,

but we'll make it work.

Really?

I mean, we couldn't even
survive two weekends away.

What... What's a full
year gonna be like?

What's four years
gonna be like?

Okay.

I'll be the one
to say it.

Whatever it is,
please don't.

We need to break up.

I just said
not to say it.

♪ It's been seven hours
And fifteen days

Just don't make this harder
than it already is, okay?

Goodbye, Adam.

♪ Since you took
Your love away

That's the thing
about growing up.

You make a lot of mistakes.

Sometimes the lessons
you learn

lead to something
unexpected and joyous.

♪ 'Cause nothing compares

♪ Nothing compares to you

Other times,
they just hurt a lot.

Well, I guess
you were right.

He should have
followed your advice.

Maybe.

♪ It's been so lonely
Without you here

But I gotta ask.

There aren't actually
any, you know,

secrets you've been
keeping from me,
are there?

Geoff, never.

I just love
my little brother.

He's a great kid
who had too much Jell-O.

♪ Nothing compares

I couldn't stand
the thought of him
getting hurt

because of
a dumb mistake.

♪ Nothing compares

Because you want him
to have what we have someday?
More than anything.

But in the end...

♪ Nothing compares

...even life's
harshest lessons

are made a little easier
when you're surrounded.

by the people you love.

♪ Nothing compares to you ♪

Babe, can you
grab me...

A mini box
of golden raisins?

I know what my guy likes.

Or do I?

Something you
want to tell me?

I like what I like,
okay?

You or me?