Original subtitles

Doesn't show you, is it? We're visiting his dad's family.

Your Uncle Dar.

Hope you and Mom are well.

Just arrived in Los Angeles.

Going to try to be a writer.

First we'll have to find a job.

But unlike a large portion of the newly arrived population, I will not fail.

Yours, John.

My dear boy, good to hear your plans.

I know we'll have a writer in this family yet, no matter what your mother

thinks.

But don't forget, discipline and hard work are what count.

The petty seductions of this world are best left to other people.

As ever, Uncle Dar.

You have an appointment?

Uh, yeah.

Now, these are used credit card drafts, and we're processing them for payment.

So what you want to do is you remove the carbon like this, place the white copy

there. Keeping this copy separate. Then you make two piles. That's the key part.

Okay?

Great.

Good.

Very good.

Okay.

I don't know how these animals handle it.

If you're not on your toes the whole time, man, it does just rip you apart.

It might not.

Any news on that job?

Did your check come?

And it is now, when the abdomen of a wildebeest is torn open, and the

portions become available, that the competition begins.

Agency's got us working together again.

Must be that high IQ thing.

You here?

Chad joined the agency.

I know.

I think he feels bad for us. He thinks he'd be cool if you pretended you needed

money. You been temping long enough to get on the temp health plan?

No. Yeah, me neither.

That's why they all look down on us, you know that.

Their health plan snobs.

No matter how shitty their job is, they can stand there in the elevator next to

us and look down and think, at least I'm on the health plan. I'm like you worm

there, you know?

Not that I should complain, seeing as I have 35 cents in the bank, right?

Oh, God, if I gotta eat the fucking ramen noodles for dinner again, I'm

flush my wrist.

Makes me wish I was a farmer, you know?

You get hungry, just grab a chicken out of a coop.

Strangle the life out of it in a tub.

Hemingway fashion. You know, no sentiment. Just... And you fry it up.

That's my dream.

Some dream, huh?

Whoopi Goldberg.

Really?

Armani. $5 ,859 .32.

Gold.

Hey,

Suzy, working?

Uh, she's trying to sneak me a sandwich from the bar.

You must be back with the agency. You look like an alcoholic door -to -door

salesman.

Leonard said that, uh, you joined us.

Yeah, they called me.

Told them I wasn't in the mood. I don't really want to go around looking like

that.

I'm sorry, Chad. No dice. The manager's here. You have to pay.

Uh, John, buddy, help me out here, will you?

What's the matter, Chad? Daddy didn't send his trust fund check this month.

Can you give me some peanuts?

You have to buy something to get peanuts. Why you gotta be like this?

Are you in trouble in Loveland, or... That'll get you two waters.

Okay. Put a little spritz of lemon on the side, will you?

John.

Gone to Costa Rica for a month or so.

When we get back, we're moving to Santa Barbara, so I move my stuff out.

Don't worry about the rent and everything.

Seb left the place to my cousin Andy from Modesto.

He's no rocket scientist, but he's got a steady job.

See ya.

Craig. P .S.

Thanks.

What kind of person would you be if you spent $857 at Basket World?

Hey, no way.

Bob Hope.

3572 Thrifty Juniors.

I don't know, Leonard. There might be more than one guy named Bob Hope.

How's it going?

Great. Super.

Hi. You must be John.

Yeah.

Andy. Andrew.

Maurer. Yeah, I'm Craig's cousin.

It's good to meet you.

Yeah, from Modesto.

Yeah. It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.

It's a business card.

Yeah.

Your L .A. address already, then?

Yeah. So, um, Craig told me that you work downtown?

Yeah, off and on.

Yeah, I just started working last week at Strathmore Jenkins.

On the 14th floor?

No, we do a lot of market research.

Direct mail, that kind of stuff.

Sounds good.

What about you?

Just some temporary kinds of things right now.

Oh. So how's the city? Are we going to hit the town tonight?

actually can i have this thing tonight oh cool cool um

yeah no i got a lot of settling to do around here anyway um listen um do you

like posters i got a lot of posters and stuff and i was thinking about maybe

putting them up in here and and in the kitchen and stuff i mean that's you know

yeah not so bad

Walking through the mall on a Saturday night.

All dressed up, but there's no girls in sight.

I got 10 bucks and there's cops everywhere.

Please pardon me if I seem a bit square.

I don't want no fuss with the law. I'm just sticking my dick in place of the

law.

I hate these glibly, cheerful idiots.

Look at them. You know, it's like they think they're...

Fucking creeps. Look at that guy. In the 50s hat.

I mean, what is that?

It's like he thinks he's making some kind of a big scene or something. I hate

that. You know, because people look at him and they go, oh, there must be some

relationship between him and me.

Right? It's like I can see my dad looking at that guy going, oh, that's

kids are up to these days. You're wearing dippy 50s hats and you're

TV trivia. It makes me want to go on a killing spree.

You just can't stand fashion, Chad.

Yeah, fashion, fascism, right?

John, can you go over and grab the peanuts off that table?

What?

I need them.

Why?

Oh, man, I don't get my check till the end of the week. I'm starving to death.

All I have is, like, mayonnaise and an onion at home.

Hey, John.

Do you want to join me? I'm on my break.

Okay.

How's your book going?

Um, script or whatever.

Well, I guess you heard by now.

Brian and I, Brooke.

That's too bad.

Can I take these?

Sure. Uh, do you want to finish this?

It was just, it was so stupid, you know? I mean...

First he loses his job at the airport just by being a fuck -up. Then he tries

blame me for it.

Said I would never let him touch me.

I told him I needed time.

I thought he would understand.

He's English.

What's he doing now?

I hope fucking immigration got him.

It's the accent that gets me.

Every time.

Should have seen through it.

I'm sorry.

Susie and Brian broke up again. Oh, I knew it. Those couples, they're always

playing out those couples' melodramas. She wishes you were a Jane Austen

heroine. I think it's sad.

Well, I mean, in my basic needs for being met, I feel bad for her.

How was your thing?

It was fine.

Sounds fun.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

Uncle Dar, have you predicted the city is less than ideal as a hotbed of

original thought?

I know because tonight I found myself in the thick of it.

After an hour at our local dive, Chad got wind of some free hors d 'oeuvres at

party in the home of a Hollywood mover and shaker.

So he dragged us there, rationalizing his freeloading as an opportunity for me

to get discovered.

As usual, Leonard got trashed, began babbling about my writing skills.

So I took the opportunity to browse, see what Hollywood might have in store for

my future.

Apparently, Leonard succeeded in making an impression on our host.

So, you're the writer.

Well, if you should ever write anything, I'd love to read it.

Sure. Where did you say you were from?

It's complicated. Sort of St. Louis.

Ah, the show -me state.

Well, then I should give you the tour.

So, you're a writer.

What is your genre?

Adventure stories?

Erotic thrillers?

Oh, you're tired.

You remind me so much of Klaus.

We should close the door.

At least for now, I'm safe behind my typewriter, where I hope to have

written soon.

Tell Mom not to worry, as if she ever would.

Just be sure you don't run low on your fig chewies.

Any of you guys ever listen to those Pioneer songs?

Pioneer songs?

What's that?

You know, like old -time songs, like John Henry, stuff like that. John Henry,

that's not a Pioneer song. That's a black man who they forced him to work so

hard his heart burst. That's the blues.

I don't know. What's your point?

You ever hear that song, She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain?

Yeah, I know the piece. What do you think it's about?

About? Yeah.

What do you think it's about? I don't know.

It's a pioneer woman who's in a wagon driving around. Why?

Well, I've been thinking, right?

And I think it's a tentative attempt by those pioneers to come to terms with the

female sexuality.

What are you talking about?

The whole song.

It's about a woman having an orgasm. You're nuts.

No way.

Listen.

She'll be riding six white horses when she comes.

I mean, the whole song is every verse. It's just like a metaphor for it.

Uh -huh. Okay. All right. What about, uh, we'll all run out to greet her when

she comes?

I don't know.

Are you high?

Great.

I'm starving.

You know, I'd give anything for a pizza right now.

If there were a God, I think he'd do a miracle right now, and he would put a

large mushroom and cheese pizza in the middle of this table. God would never go

for a prayer like that.

Then what's he good for?

God.

It speaks.

I don't know, John.

What is God good for?

Complex equations.

Complex equations?

Like what?

Like, how does a single crappy novel by some Jackie Collins type outsell

all the books ever written by Hemingway, Faulkner, Salinger combined?

How do three relatively bright guys end up tearing apart credit card drafts?

The struggling artist thing wearing you thin, John?

Maybe your problem is that you shouldn't feel smarter than everyone else.

No, no, Leonard, John is smarter than everyone else.

John hasn't been mediocre since fresh intolerant.

I can't stand this anymore. I'm going to get a pizza.

Do you want a mushroom and cheese?

You're not getting any money from me.

I'll charge it.

I thought Daddy wouldn't let you have the credit cards anymore, Chad.

No way.

Yeah.

Hey, John, the temp agency left a message for you.

They said that they've got a new place for you to go. Sounds fun.

Okay, well, I'm off to work and stuff.

Oh, thanks for leaving the pizza out for me last night.

Thank Bob Hope.

Oh, um, leave Saturday open. I have a surprise.

Mike Schroeder. Schroeder properties.

John. Okay. Great.

Phone.

Computer. You know computers?

Yeah. Okay.

Typewriter.

You can start by typing these up. Okay?

Great. Okay.

Frodo Properties.

Uh, can I ask who's calling?

Uh, one second.

Oh, wait. I forgot to tell you. I'm never in.

Tell them I'm out.

I'm sorry. Uh, Miss Raymond.

He stepped out.

Yeah, really.

So,

you got those things typed up for me yet? Not yet.

Okay, great.

It's rent. You want it?

Um, yeah, I guess I should.

Thanks.

All right, now that we've done that, perhaps you could explain this to me.

fees on rent I paid on time months ago.

Uh, I'm just intent.

Well, then I suppose I shouldn't bother you with this, since you're not a real

character in this little rent drama.

Sorry.

Why are you sorry?

Don't be sorry.

Some people just have chronic bad luck.

Not really. I just said it to be polite.

Oh, and if Schroeder were ever the type to have a fixed thing, you could please

tell him that my thing's broken.

Au revoir.

Got those things packed up for me yet?

Uh, no.

Okay, great.

How's work?

Good, Ben.

Yeah. Some days I just want to forget it, you know? Just take the whole day

blow it off and, I don't know, goof off.

Look, I'm sorry about the SS guys.

In the medicine cabinet?

Yeah, I just thought it'd be a safe place for them, you know, to dry off.

Um, are you hungry? I got some pot pies in the oven.

Okay, yeah.

Great, great. And I got some beers, too.

Make the loaves.

Sure.

There's nothing like one after a day at the office, huh?

I prefer it to you at the office.

That's good.

Um, do you see this?

I'm working on Rommel's 15th Panzer Tank Division.

You knew he was implicated in a plot to kill Hitler, didn't you?

No. Yeah, he killed himself. A suicide pill.

He was a good field marshal.

But there's more to know, though.

It's a hobby.

Yeah, but I don't just paint Germans.

I mean, I just happen to be going through this phase right now.

I mean, they've got the coolest uniforms and stuff.

I mean, you know, no offense to the Holocaust or anything, but I think it's

to have a hobby. I mean, don't you?

I mean, your hobby's writing, isn't it? I mean, you must be doing some kind of

stories or something. I hear you typing in the middle of the night.

I'm sure, John. I mean, come on.

You don't have to keep secrets from me. We're roommates.

What's this about a surprise?

She didn't send anything. God, I must have had a brain short or something.

Um, it's just that down at work they've got this club box at the ballpark, you

know? It's like, um, it's like a little condominium that overlooks third base,

and I thought I could get us a couple of tickets, you know, so we could go see a

game together.

But, uh, I couldn't get tickets on account I haven't been employed there

enough.

But I felt bad, so I... I bought you a hat.

You know, on account of you not being able to see your home team in the

and all.

It's not adjustable.

Just like in the bigs.

Good, you're here.

Can you do plumbing?

Plumbing?

Yeah, plumbing. You know, I got this wrench.

Turn that thing, see how that... Anyway, I need you to get over to this unit on

Romaine if we don't get the thing fixed. We're in deep shit.

People don't care what you do, just as long as you get in there and do

something.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, it's you.

Finally.

I thought you said this wasn't gonna happen.

I know, but it's just so... Exactly what was gonna happen, that's all.

No.

That's not true.

Well, what do you think I'm gonna do? Come over to your house and tear up your

curtains, et cetera?

Don't flatter yourself.

Not very likely. No.

No.

No.

Goodbye.

You have the first clue what you're doing in there?

No.

That's why I have this thing.

Get the gentleman from the desk.

Why'd they send you?

You'll forgive me you don't have a particularly handy look to you.

What did he say?

Cheap bastards.

Would you like a glass of wine?

Okay.

One of the advantages of working at a PR firm.

Lots of receptions, lots of alcohol lying around a pilt.

How do you work at a PR firm?

I used to. I quit.

So, what are you going to do now?

Trying to learn how to play the guitar.

You play?

You do anything?

Can't be a total deadbeat, not someone who looks like you.

No, I'm sort of right.

Well, at least you have something. I mean, I never had anything.

I'm getting so tired of not knowing those little meaningful things.

Don't worry about me. I can fix your sink.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, I really don't know what I'm doing here.

You know how to do anything?

Forget it.

We will just finish this bottle of wine and cut our mutual losses.

I can't Why?

I'm busy

Hello. Mom.

Hey, how's Uncle Dar?

Yeah, I got a real job today.

Yeah, real estate.

Yeah, I'm still writing.

No, I don't see myself moving more towards real estate.

Look, I gotta go. My landlord's coming.

Who's that?

Mine wasn't.

It doesn't sound very nice.

Sorry, mine wasn't either.

Is that pot?

Yeah.

Cool.

You wanna try?

Okay.

Hey, I can feel it.

I kind of got the tingling sensation in my buttock.

Really?

And these big chewies are terrific.

My uncle loves them.

You want to listen to some Supertrap?

Oh!

Journey. You've got to like Journey. What about Steve Perry? You know that

Only the Young?

I don't know it.

You don't?

It's great. I really tugged at the heartstrings, you know?

It was like my anthem in middle school.

You know.

Only the young can say.

Freedom to fly.

Wildfire.

I can't remember it.

Anyway, those were good times, huh?

In the death, though.

You're from a...

Well, you're not from Modesto.

I was on the track and field team.

You do sports?

No.

Andrew, um... Once I was running the hurdles, but I did it wrong, and I fell

down and broke my jaw. I mean, it was bad.

It was a mess.

You should have seen my dad's face when they gave him the bill for wiring my jaw

shut. $2 ,000.

Man.

That was the worst whooping I ever got.

I still got the marks from it. You want to see?

You know, the point is just that it was really hard to go back to school.

You know, with my jaw wired shut.

You want to watch a dirty movie?

You ever have a girlfriend?

I did.

Her name was Sheila.

We went to some movies and stuff, kind of.

You know, not dirty movies, but, you know, classic movies. The kind you see

a buck, you know.

2001, Towering Inferno, Ordinary People, stuff like that.

She stopped going with me.

i stopped going to hey we should go to some bars you can meet girls in bars

are you dating anyone

Andrew. My head is enormous compared to my body.

I have a little something to read for you this evening.

It's called, uh...

U .F .O.

U .F .O. U .F .O. Out of control.

U .F .O. Out of control.

U .F .O. in the sky.

U .F .O. in the land.

U .F .O. in the sea.

U .F .O. out over me.

U .F .O. in my brain.

You guys are very funny.

Yeah, he's great.

Just like my Aunt Ellen.

U .F .O. Thank you.

Well, here you come slinking in like God's chronic gift.

Where have you been? I got a sign of you.

Plum Lord, uh, I don't know, property management is what they call it.

Make three more dollars an hour.

Whoa. What are you going to do with all that extra money?

I don't know. Take a taxi ride to the airport and back.

You're a scab, John.

Admit it.

You know, we're all miserable, petty little scabs, the kind whose undersold

labor makes my father the industrialist rich.

Listen, guys, man, I'm telling you, this job stuff is barking up the wrong tree,

first of all.

It's Hollywood.

Money in piles.

Creeps are doing it every day.

I could direct one of those things.

And a snap, I'm telling you, man. John, just let that literary head of yours

whip something up, you know?

Something hip. That'll make critics drool. Yeah.

Some snappy dialogue, some trendy violence.

Maybe John Travolta.

We'll become Hollywood demagogues. Rich.

And then some asshole can separate my credit card drafts while I smoke a cigar

and kick him in the ass.

I don't know.

You guys think you're talking to the right guy?

Sure.

John can write?

I don't know if he can write anything. Look at him.

Fucking zombie.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm the temp.

Ha, okay, great.

I'm Mike Schroeder Sr.

Where's Tracy?

I don't know.

Okay, good, fine. Okay.

Oh, nice radio.

Radio's a good thing. But no rock and roll.

Okay? You got that?

Just try to find something nice.

And not too loud, either. Okay, bub?

Schroeder Properties.

Hi. It's Bevan Shanley, your tenant on Romaine.

Hi. Uh, Mr. Schroeder isn't in right now. Yeah, right.

I don't want to talk to him.

You left your how -to -be -employment and easy lessons in my kitchen.

I could come by and get it sometime.

No, um, you better pick it up today because I start a new job in the

You get a new job that fast?

I'm a great interviewer.

Really? I'd say you came off as kind of depressing.

You should see me when I'm not on Prozac.

You're on Prozac.

Isn't everyone?

Bye.

Jesus Christ.

Why do they always have to bring lawyers into everything?

Jimmy, I need you to go down to 6325 Yucca Street. I need you to straighten

some stuff for me down there.

What kind of stuff?

A lot of these guys down there, they said we haven't done some kind of

or something. I don't know, something about no gas or something.

Here, why don't you take my tie?

Makes you look a little more official.

If you have any trouble, you know, anything comes up or anything, you just

this number.

Okay?

There you go.

I had a nice little chat with your mom today. She's not so bad.

Oh, yeah, I thought I was going out on a date tonight, but... Anyway, I cleaned

up, and I figured, you know, while I was at it, I would do your room, too. It

looked like you could use it.

You're not mad or anything.

Andrew, leave my stuff alone, okay?

Thought you said you weren't writing any stories.

The one you started about being stranded in the middle of the pool was great.

It was funny.

I mean, it was sad, too.

I mean, I could really connect to it, you know? I was forced to take swimming

lessons when I was a kid.

I hated it.

Water would get in my ears, and I'd get these earaches. God, these earaches. It

just made me so crazy. I just wanted to break stuff, you know?

You know?

You're really mad, aren't you?

Look, John, just promise you won't pretend you're not mad, but then, you

stay real mad inside until you blow up.

John?

I was just trying to help.

John, come on, say something. I mean, say anything.

John?

I'll do anything to make it up to you. I mean, I'll even mess up your room again

if you want.

What time is it?

4 .30?

4 .32?

Do you have a tie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi, I'm Andrew.

What do you want, Andrew?

Um, I was sent by the office to, um, check the broken stuff.

You know how long I've been without gas? Three weeks. Three fucking weeks!

I'm here for the book.

Wow. Nice to see you too.

I love you.

You shouldn't talk to me like that.

Fuck you.

I feel sick.

And I got a fucking kidney stone that hides on my fucking fist. That fits my

fucking stone.

Can I use your restroom?

No. Go to the fucking gas station.

Where in the fuck are you going?

Man, who's the fucking retard that sent you here?

John.

John Martin, and don't call him names.

I never dabbled with a real writer before.

Hello?

Oh, jeez. What?

Well, I don't care. You brought it on yourself.

You're a fucking asshole.

I'll fucking talk about your fucking friend any fucking way I want, you

motherfucker. Now get the fuck out of my house!

No.

that I've done.

I don't know.

Dear Dar, I know you'll disapprove, but people are beginning to intrude into my

life, and it's getting harder to distance myself from them.

Feelings are tricky, untidy things, Uncle Dar, and without your constant

it's not easy for me to discipline them.

Yours, John.

Hey,

John. I'm glad you could make it. You want some wine?

Yeah, sure.

John, who do you think played the dominant role in the relationship, J.

Hoover or Clyde Tolson?

Because I figure...

J. Edgar Hoover, he comes home, he's all tired from smashing civil liberties all

day. He just wants to be a baby.

I don't know.

What are you guys... I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling

some of your friends from your phone.

See, I figured I'd invite them over on account of it being your half -birthday.

What?

Well, your birthday's on May 25th, right? Well, it's October 25th today.

six months since your birthday, your half -birthday.

It's kind of a thing we do in Modesto.

Tim, it is so hard to picture people doing it back then like we do it today.

You know what I mean?

It's like them silent movies, like the Charlie Chaplin movies. When you watch

those movies, you think about the piano music, the Keystone Cops.

You don't think about that little tramp tossing that little hat.

Dropping them baggy pants and straight doing it.

You know what I mean?

It's kind of a sexy thought, though, when you think about it.

I like Buster Keaton.

Hey, hello, birthday boy.

Oh, it's not my birthday.

So, I was thinking that maybe you and I, we could somehow escape this little

tragedy. Yeah?

Yeah. Frankly, all they talk about is the little trim that got me a little

dizzy.

Andrew didn't tell me that his roommate was so adorable.

I don't think he pays much attention.

Yeah, well, he's a bit of a psycho.

What? Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, psycho.

I'm curious.

Oh, well, it's just, you know, after getting fired and everything,

you know, trying to stay like best friends with all of us after only

Strathmore and Jenkins three days.

He's fired. He's getting fired.

Is that it?

Sure, yeah.

Sorry.

Family? Hi.

Jay, this round's on me. What's everybody drinking, beers?

Actually, I'll have a double Glen Kraken, straight up. Sounds perfect.

here. What's that?

That's a scotch. It's a very good scotch. It's probably the best.

But it's much more sophisticated than, say, would -be beers.

I wouldn't drink anything else.

I'm fine.

Glen Kraken it is.

It's a regular Eagle Scout. Yeah, he's buying drinks. I don't care if he's Paul

Potts. What are you doing?

Direct mail marketing. Yeah, poor bastard.

So, uh, what should we drink here?

Uh, how about, uh, to the next round?

To the art of direct mail marketing and its practitioners.

I'll drink to that.

All right.

Hey, this Glen Kraken's pretty good.

Yeah, you can't drink just one.

So, uh, you got a health plan?

A health plan?

Sure doesn't everybody?

Hey, this bar is really cool. We don't have anything like this in Modesto.

Actually, Andy, I've heard that some of the finest things in the world are from

Modesto. Yeah, you're right.

Hey, uh, you guys want another round?

Uh, sure.

Where'd Susie go?

I don't think Susie's your type, Leonard.

I don't know.

Why does she look right through me?

Well, let me spell it out for you.

She likes Brits. You're an American.

America humiliated England in the Revolutionary War. Hence, you represent

everything her idealized British man despises.

It's a lack of dental benefits.

She's worried my teeth will go.

Another dental? Yes, please.

Hi.

Hi. The not very...

Hey, handyman, what a surprise to see you here.

I'm always here.

You seem awfully animated.

What happened to the gloomy version?

Manic depression.

The mania's okay if you can deal with the depression.

What are you?

Me, I'm usually pretty calm.

So I've noticed.

More than calm.

I bet you never even cried when the doctor slapped your bottom as a baby.

See that guy over there?

He's an attorney.

He cries all the time. He's very emotional.

Kind of like a one -man opera, really.

Really?

He's married.

He's got a two -year -old child. And now he's been privately crying, having a

affair with me.

It's just like those things you read about.

Parable things that people do in secret that wreck their lives.

What's your angle?

Angle?

There is no angle.

It's all very straightforward, really. I mean, there's no denying his

attractiveness on many basic levels. He's relatively good -looking, and he's

a great job, and extremely talented in bed.

I could probably get him to take me to Paris if I wanted.

What angle are you thinking of?

Let's see.

He's looking over here right now. He's probably getting deals with you.

Are you dealing?

Well, I guess you're just going to have to think about that.

I'll see you when I see you.

Here.

She seems like quite a gal.

Yeah, she does.

I'll bet she likes you.

Perfect. Hey, hey.

She just looked over at you.

You know what would really help?

Ask her if she wants to go to Paris with you.

I overheard.

Paris is what she wants.

Like in Casablanca, women really go for that stuff.

You know what? Why don't I talk to her for you?

What?

John.

I know you.

You're shy.

And with women, you just... You gotta let them know where they stand right up

front or else they'll just run off with some other guy.

I mean, like that.

So I'll just drop a little hand for you, okay?

Don't touch me like that.

Ever. All right? Just don't.

Relax, Andrew.

I'm sorry, Joan. It must be the Glen Kraken or something.

Jesus.

Can you lift things?

Yeah, I'm best.

All right, good. Come on, hurry up and get in the truck.

Are you Julio?

Where is he?

Julio is off his rent. You understand rent?

Because he doesn't pay. We're taking his refrigerator as a penalty.

You know? For not paying his rent.

Come on, let's go.

Chop, chop.

Now you tell him.

No money, no refrigerator. I don't care if we get the best lawyer in town, okay?

Because I don't care.

Okay, I gotta go.

Andrew,

you're home.

They laid me off. On account of the economy gone bad and all.

Look, John, can you sit down for a second?

Kind of important.

I talked to your mom about a half hour ago.

I tried to call you at the office, but you must have hid the phone list or

something.

Your uncle Dar kind of died this morning.

Heart attack.

Your mom says that she understands if you can't afford to fly home for the

funeral.

Sorry.

You can, um... You can go ahead and cry now if you want.

I do it all the time.

It's times like this I really wish I could remember the lyrics to my anthem.

alcoholic. I am not.

It's merely a pose I assume to compensate for not being muscly. Gives

an underground decadent appeal, don't you think? Kind of a Burroughs thing,

know, skinny, chuggy.

John, I'm really sorry about your uncle.

I'm glad Andy invited us over.

I'm glad he invited us too.

Look at this.

Oh, my God.

I want this.

I want this for myself.

Take it.

Come on, you guys, that's mean.

I don't trust this. It's a limited difference.

Hey, how you guys doing?

You enjoying the Glen Kraken?

Uh, yeah, actually, I was just gonna finish it off, but, uh, maybe we should

share it.

No, there's a liquor store right on the corner. I could go and just pick some

more up.

We'll not run out of Glen Kraken tonight.

I hope not. Might kill me.

Now it's just an experiment. I didn't think he'd actually go.

This is like a goldmine.

Do you think Andrew was a neglected child?

Don't feel sorry for him. He's got medical insurance up the wazoo.

I want to go.

What?

There's a Halloween thing at the bar.

Wait a minute.

What about, uh, the Glen Kraken?

Some Halloween party.

Love the costumes.

Our friend needs this

table. He's in mourning!

Leonard, it's okay.

We can stand at the bar.

No, I want my table.

For John.

Why are you so irritable? He's drunk.

He drank almost my entire flask of Glen Kraken. I wouldn't stand too close to

him. He might spew.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, hi. It's you.

How's your new job?

Usual.

What's your costume?

Me.

What are you dressed as?

Well, I should say I'm feeling like Elizabeth Taylor in Who's Afraid of

Woolf.

Not bad, huh?

My life sucks.

I pull carbon copies apart for a living.

You know that? I think Leonard's upset because he's still not famous.

Fear that.

Our whole nation's on the make.

Weasel's fighting at home.

What's that?

That's $80 ,000 worth of higher education.

Hey, don't remind me.

My father forced me to go to this horrible little girl's school in

He was very conservative.

Passed away recently.

Well, what are you getting all glum about? It was my father.

Huh?

Listen, I'm sorry about your father.

There you go again. You're always sorry.

Well, are you upset?

Don't have what I want.

Never had what I wanted.

What is it that you want?

Right now, for you to comfort me.

Is it working?

Yes.

Just relax, Leonard.

Fuck!

I'm gonna give up this L .A. bullshit, man.

I'm gonna land on the greatest job.

It's planting trees in Columbia.

You're making like $2 ,000 a week, man, you know?

It's just pure money, pure money.

Here's Woodsy.

Hello.

We meet again.

Mmm, that looks perfect.

You're a real gentleman.

I like talking to you.

I don't have to bite my eyelashes.

How do you mean?

I don't have to nod my head and listen.

I suppose that's because you don't say much.

That's real.

Be proud.

Okay.

On the other hand, you're all a bit of a statue.

What do you mean?

I mean, how's a lady supposed to know what's going on inside your head?

Oh, I forgot. You're a writer. So you go home and write down impressions. Your

impressions of people.

What, sir, would you write about me?

What is wrong

with you tonight?

Nothing's wrong with me.

You know, I'm just as I always am, just more.

So you haven't seen me like this before, so you're frightened and strangely

aroused.

Leonard, stop teasing me.

I'm not teasing you.

You're too beautiful to tease.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Come on, mate.

Let's do something for John.

Huh? Huh? You know, it's a lot of... What's your point?

You know, you're really not my type.

I'm young and I'm married.

Like we're a garbage type of thing.

A little bit of this and a little bit of that. A little bit of that old... Oh,

that's a clown.

Never wear your headpiece under cover in front of the ladies.

What's your glitz, pal?

Hey, hey, hey, come on, guys. What are you doing?

I'm stomping on his hat, Jericho.

Jericho. Jericho.

You punch like a squirrel.

Hey, you punch like a squirrel. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking imbecile.

Imbecile. Your name is Chuck, you mouth breather.

Leonard.

Leonard.

What are you doing?

She's not there.

Your uncle just croaked like that.

I'm so poor.

I'm so poorly utilized.

I'm ridiculously single.

I'm broke. I'm frustrated.

I don't have any health coverage.

I mean, can't they see?

Huh?

I'm top shelf.

I have an Ivy League bachelor's degree.

They should be begging me.

Oh, where's Susie? She's in the bar.

She's hating you right now.

There's a conspiracy in this town against me.

Leonard's really cutting loose tonight.

I think I like it.

Leonard, have you finally lost your mind?

I want some cigarettes.

From the bar.

I want to buy you a gift of cigarettes.

Some for me, too.

Leonard, I...

things to do.

Leonard, you should just relax, okay?

Let's rob it. Just for kicks, no. For Susie. She's underpaid.

What do you say? Yeah, let's rob it.

Go get him, Leonard.

Oh, John.

Thought you went out with your little friend.

I, uh...

Patrick. He's from Paris.

Isn't that crazy?

He's opening up a book store.

Brentwood.

Well, when you open up your book store, Patrick, do some of us a favor, okay?

Promise you won't separate your literature section from your fiction

because I hate that.

Watch out.

I believe you expressed an opinion.

Yeah, well, I'll... Well,

they'll go now.

John. John.

Little boy.

What the fuck you doing?

What the fuck you doing?

Uh, he's robbing the bar.

Want me to call Chuck back, you bastion?

John?

John?

Well, this is interesting.

You want to come in?

Yes. A lot.

Small world.

Ran into a friend of yours outside the bar.

Poor thing was as blind as a bat.

Andy? Oh, no, no. Andrew.

He thinks the world of you.

Personally, after your little episode in the bar, I was ready to forget all

about you, but the way you went on and on about what a talented writer you are.

Oh, he's never had a better friend. Well, he delivered you a little present

me. Told me you were too shy to do it yourself.

I don't know.

You just seemed too good to be true.

To Bevan.

Someday we'll always have Paris.

Love, John.

Paris, this sweet thing, John.

Now I'm hungover, too.

Look,

John, I... I don't know if what happened last night was such a good idea.

I mean, I don't know if it did mean anything.

Maybe your angle to things is better, you know.

Not to open up, you know, to each other so much. I mean... Why don't you show me

something that you've written sometime? I'd love to read it.

Okay. Does that mean you want to do something tonight?

Can't. Going out with Patrick.

Who?

Patrick. French bookseller from the ball.

He had to leave early last night because he had to meet his mother -in -law, of

course.

Why do you keep doing this?

Are you jealous?

Good.

Anyway, he seems nice.

He's charming.

He's from Paris.

And he makes me feel good. You know, some people are entitled to feel good,

John. We can't all be modded to your sacred cause or whatever it is that you

to keep yourself miserable.

Have another date.

Well, don't try and talk me out of it or anything.

Hi.

Can I help you? Yeah.

Matthew Greenberg.

City Housing Authority.

Looking for Michael Schroeder. Junior or senior?

I don't know.

Are you Michael Schroeder?

No. No, he doesn't work here anymore. You know, he moved.

Let me get his address for you. I'll write it down. You sure about that?

he's in Salt Lake City.

I'm sure he'll want to know about the assault charges that are filed against

him, in addition to his refusal to provide gas.

Shorter Properties. Hi.

Hi. What are you up to?

Nothing. I'm just sitting here.

I don't know why I called.

There's nothing broken.

Do you hate me?

What?

Nothing. I was just... Sitting here looking at the paper, and I think

advertising lots of pairs for $500.

Okay, great.

Uh, I'm gonna have to call you back.

You hate me, don't you?

No, bye.

Jimbo, uh, okay.

Uh, been a little change in plan.

Got any of that stuff that keeps your hair combed?

Are you my lawyer?

I'm a representative.

Well,

come on in. I've only been waiting two days.

Let's go. Come on.

I want to go after this landlord guy for everything he's worth. We're talking

about assault in the first degree and three months without functioning gas.

We need our cans, man.

Yeah, um, I think there's some sort of confusion here. What?

I'm just supposed to give you this.

What is it?

Some kind of government paper.

What the fuck is this? Louie! God, bullshit!

Make him into the room with the baby.

Pendejo!

You've got to be fucking shitting me.

Jesus, God.

Do you know what the shorter does to him?

Thank you.

Well, hello. Who are you?

I'm John the 10th. You know who I am?

Yeah.

My son who ran this operation has been arrested. Do you know why?

Arson.

They say he set fire to one of our apartments. I suppose it was for the

insurance. I bought him all these buildings so that he and his wife could

security.

They have a son, a baby.

I always knew he was not very smart at business. He ran this operation like a

thug.

Even the city housing authority is after him.

Now he's in jail and I have to post bail.

Can you believe it?

I worked hard all my life.

But Michael seemed to think he could do as I did without hard work.

It's all it takes, you know.

I know because I am now a very rich man.

Yeah, so, okay, great.

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but you might as well go home because there's

nothing left for you to do here.

I just came to get some of my things.

Uh, can I help you?

Which one of these wines is romantic?

Red.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Well, what are you doing here?

I... Well, your timing is poor. I'm on my way out.

Where are you going?

I told you I have a date.

I guess I forgot.

You don't think it's a good idea?

I don't care. You can do whatever you want. Well, you're pissed. I can tell.

No, all I'm saying is feel free to toss yourself away to creeps, okay?

Oh, that's rich.

That really hurts, coming from a faker like you. You and your jaded whatever

-nothingness.

Frighten over how a book doll ain't as efficient.

At least I'm not on Prozac.

Well, better to be moody than ain't no mood at all.

You're numb, John. A zombie. I bet you couldn't even cry when your uncle died.

It's red. Bon appétit. Oh,

grape. Now what?

I can't see so good now.

The neighbor's kid almost hit me with his bike.

Yes,

Andrew.

I guess you and the guys didn't end up coming back here last night.

No, Andrew.

I guess the glint crack in Chad snuck into his flask.

Pretty much kept you all busy for the night.

You know that story I read of yours?

The one about drowning and stuff?

It's funny.

It got me thinking about the middle school thing again.

I had these friends, and they were guys I hung out with.

I don't know if they were really like my friends.

I mean... Anyway.

One day, we were all kind of hanging around outside, and everyone started

playing this game where they would all... Jump up and run away from me.

And I'd run along after them, too.

You know, so it was like we were still a group.

But not really.

You ever feel like that, John?

Like you're part of something, but not really?

I don't think about it much.

You think that, I don't know, maybe...

And maybe I'm not, like, smart enough or something for your group of Yale

buddies.

No, Andrew.

I'm glad, John.

I'm glad that you're not stuck up.

Hey, guess what, John?

I finally remembered how that song goes. You know my anthem?

You want to hear the lyrics to my anthem?

Another night in any town.

You can hear the thunder of their cry ahead of their

time. Good night, Andrew.

Susie. John?

Oh, um, so did you hear Brian and I finally broke up for good?

Yeah, wasn't that a while ago?

Well, yeah, but it's official now. He got deported back to England.

I'm sorry.

No, that's okay.

Is Leonard there?

Uh, yeah. Hold on.

Uh, Leonard.

Listen, I'm out.

Getting wasted, and I thought it would be a good time. Time for what?

What are you talking about?

Uh, I don't know. I'm just kind of confused.

I'm probably aiming towards a breakdown.

Listen, I'm kind of busy.

Tell me how it goes.

around too tired from thinking about the nothingness and exhaustion in the air,

my mind focuses on the idea of laundry, helped out by the lovely voice of my

beautiful girlfriend at the time.

And then the show began.

When I say show, I mean the human show, which always is very well cast and

somehow well directed.

And the heart -rendering stories poured out.

What are you doing here?

This is my house.

I'm supposed to be knocking on somebody else's door.

It's 3 a .m., John.

I take it you're going to sleep here.

I don't know if I can do anything.

Are we jaded?

Are we jaded?

Three o 'clock.

Knock, knock.

Are we jaded?

I don't know.

That's a common problem.

a productive guy like you figured out by now?

What are you doing?

Good night.

Yeah, well, some of us have real jobs.

Have a seat.

You want some coffee or something?

Juice would be great.

Bloody Mary mix.

Closest thing we have to juice.

Thanks.

So, you must have been on a wild tear last night.

More of a controlled mental breakdown.

I was okay.

Everybody should have.

I know what you mean.

You know, I should really still be mad at you guys about the other night.

But I have to admit, I did find Leonard's English -style bravado.

rather attractive.

So you're going to the funeral?

It's in Modesto.

Jesus.

Might as well be an East Jesus.

Chad.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I like the guy.

You know only Mrs. Glenn Kraken.

Hey, let's blow this somber town.

Huh?

Let's kick it up to my dad's ski lodge in Vail.

Do some drinking.

Jet -setting, cracking wise like Sinatra, Dean Martin.

Chad, I don't have any money.

And now I don't have a roommate.

And you want to go skiing.

Listen, John.

One day you and I won't have to worry about this anymore.

Yeah, we'll run companies like my father.

And we'll save on the benefit cost by hiring scabs like us.

Someday we'll come home from work and our wives will pour us martinis. And

listen to Eisenhower on the radio.

How's everything going?

It sucks.

I will make with them a covenant of peace, and will cause the evil beasts to

cease out of the land, and they shall dwell safely in the wilderness and sleep

in the woods.

And I will make them in the places round about my hill a blessing, and I will

cause the shower to come down in its season.

There shall be showers of blessing, and the tree of the field shall yield her

fruit, and the earth shall yield her increase, and they shall be safe in

land. and shall know that I am the Lord when I have broken the bands of their

yoke and delivered them out of the hand of those that serve themselves of them.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

No no no!