Original subtitles

Narrator: At a buffet...

Oh, my god, my favorite,

y'all.

Are you crazy?

Narrator: At the park...

What the [bleep]

and in a foreign-language

class.

"Halt dein gesitcht, oma."

And that means, "shut your

face, grandma!"

Narrator: Plus, tonight's big

loser has to pay the price of

failure.

Excuse me!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Pop! ]

We're at the Jersey gardens

mall, where we're gonna be

analyzing handwriting.

All we're doing is saying

what we're told.

And if you refuse... what?

You lose.

Would you like a free

handwriting analysis?

It's compliments of the mall,

it's totally free.

Free handwriting analysis?

You guys down to do it?

Yeah.

Great. Have a seat.

First sign your name.

"I can tell by your

signature..."

I can tell by your

signature...

"that you're Jewish."

that you are Jewish.

No, I could tell by your

signature.

That's just backup proof.

[ Laughter ]

Let's write a sentence now,

Samuel.

"I'm going to an interview."

"I am going to an interview."

"Wish me diarrhea."

[ Laughs ]

"Wish me"... "wish me...

Diarrhea."

"Diarrhea"?

Yes.

And the reason we write that is

because...

no reason.

No reason.

[ Laughter ]

Now, you see how you didn't

put a period at the end of the

sentence?

"Do you know what that

means?"

Do you know what that means?

It means that you, my friend...

"Have recently..."

have recently...

"had intercourse."

had...

[ Laughter ]

Oh, okay.

[ Ding! ]

Put your bag down. Relax.

Okay.

So, what I need you to do...

I need to you write a sentence

for me.

"Do you know..."

"Do you know..."

"where a fella..."

"where a fella..."

"can get his hands..."

"can get his hands..."

"on a tampon?"

[ Laughter ]

"on a tampon?"

[ Laughing ] Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Interestingly, your signature

is extremely strong.

"Hold up your pimp hands."

Uh...

"Show me your pimp hand."

Let me see... let me see your

pimp hand for a second.

Yeah, let me see it.

[ Laughs ]

You don't have a pimp hand?

There you go.

Okay. So, let me see it.

"All right, just slap me

gently across the face."

[ Laughter ]

Okay, I need to see how

strong your pimp hand is.

Okay.

So, if you could just slap me

a little bit.

What?

I ain't got your money.

I ain't got your money.

Where's my money at, bitch?

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

You want a handwriting

analysis?

Have a seat.

All right. Here we go.

Let's start.

Write your name there.

"I can tell by looking at

this..."

I can tell by looking at

this...

"that you're preggers."

That... you're pregnant?

Is that...

No?

She's in Egypt?

"You should make a call."

You should make a call.

She's pregnant.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Laughter ]

You put your hand on his

hand.

I just got to get a feel for

your hand.

Go ahead. Ready?

Make him write this...

"I like my jacket."

"I like my jacket."

Don't let go of his hand.

"Q," make a phone call, but

don't let go of his hand.

Sorry, I just need to take

this real quick.

[ Classical music plays ]

[ Keypad beeps ]

Hello?

Yes.

I'm still at work.

No, no, I'll be home by

midnight.

"Q," just stroke his finger.

All right, well, what about

like a...

[ Laughter ]

Yeah. Yeah.

No.

No.

Now pet his head.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

And what was your name?

Maria.

Hi, Maria.

Joe. Pleased to meet you.

Just write some numbers for me.

I'm just gonna throw out some.

Numbers.

Okay.

16.

Write a 1.

"Your writing tilts to the

left."

Your writing really tilts

to the left.

"Why did do you hate men?"

[ Record scratches ]

Why do you hate men?

We're friends here.

Okay. See? Now, I knew it.

Overall, when I look at all of

this...

"I could tell right away..."

i could tell right away...

"that you are a hot

woman."

you are a hot woman...

"trapped in an average

woman's body."

Oh.

You...

That's a shame.

[ Laughs ]

Why? What's so terrible?

So, write one last thing.

Just write the word "loser,"

with a big arrow pointed right

at me.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer! ]

Well, the handwriting's on

the wall... Joe's a loser.

This is not how you want to

start, Joey.

[ Laughter ]

Do you know that Joe and I

have been forging your

signatures for years?

Never mind forging my

signature.

Stop signing my name up for

mailing lists without telling

me, sending magazines to my

house.

[ Laughter ]

We are here at the southern

smokehouse buffet, and we are

starving!

[ Laughter ]

We're gonna follow patrons

through the buffet and help

ourselves to some food from

their plates.

Yep.

The goal is to get as much

food as you can off their plate.

At the end, we're gonna weigh

it.

Whoever's plate is the

lightest loses.

Let's eat.

All right, guys, "q" is in.

Grab a plate. It's lunchtime.

Ugh.

Hi. How are you?

You seem very nice.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

I wouldn't eat those.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to bother you.

Okay. I'll leave you alone.

Everyone's shunning him.

The jig is up.

I mean, you're supposed to be a

ninja.

He's just chasing people around.

Now you are just harassing

people.

This is rough.

What's the matter, "q"?

This is a rough one, man.

I'm out.

Are you quitting?

He's quitting.

Yeah!

Go ahead, murr.

Get out there and stalk some

prey.

Oh, that guy's looking for

you right there.

Oh, didn't work.

Oh. Shoot.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

I'm sorry about that.

I thought that was on my plate.

I apologize.

[ Laughter ]

These people are serious

about their food.

Oh, my god.

That tree just almost fell out

there.

Huh?

That tree almost fell right

out there.

It just waved in the branch and

almost fell, the whole thing.

It happened right behind your

head, man.

[ Laughter ]

He's confused.

[ Laughter ]

He is flipping out to them.

All he did was get that one

wing.

He's got one wing and a corn

on the cob.

She's got two plates.

Oh, my god, he's going for

the whole plate.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Here he goes.

Aw!

He blew it!

[ Laughs ]

That was a pound in one shot.

Are these good, do you think?

Really?

Yeah.

And then what are those?

Let me see.

No. No. No.

Okra? That's perfect.

I'm just gonna...

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Wow.

Thank you so much.

Man, that's gonna hurt us.

Wow.

That's gonna hurt us.

H, yes!

All right, 1 pound, 4 ounces.

Sal thinks he's gonna be

invincible in this one.

I'm gonna go in with reckless

abandon like you've never seen

sal before.

Let's go, fearless.

Oh, my god, delicious!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god, my favorite, y'all.

Love it.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

Look at her face!

She doesn't know what to do.

Here he goes.

Oh!

Loco, boss?

Are you crazy?

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no, I just wanted...

Where did you find this one?

It's my favorite.

[ Laughter ]

The amount of dirty looks

that are getting thrown your

way...

This is mayhem going on out

here.

This is complete mayhem.

[ Laughter ]

I'm scared for my life.

The tide has turned, buddy.

Get out of there, man.

Get out. Get out.

Move your ass.

Here we go.

One pound!

For all your bluster,

Mr. Vulcano.

[ Ding! ]

All right, Joey, you got to

beat one pound.

[ Scatting ]

[ Laughter ]

Here goes scatman crothers.

There he goes!

[ Laughing ] Oh, my god.

[ Scatting ]

[ Ding! ] [ Ding! ]

[ Ding! ] [ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] He grabbed her

whole plate!

[ Scatting ]

Oh!

Oh!

This is getting interesting.

[ Scatting ]

[ Ding! ] [ Ding! ]

[ Laughing ] He grabbed her

whole plate!

[ Scatting ]

This is getting interesting.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my god.

Joe trying to take his food.

[ Laughing ] He's trying to take

his food!

[ Laughter ]

[ Scatting ]

[ Laughter ]

It's like a chess match.

[ Scatting ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Scatting ]

Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

Come on. Come on. Come on.

[ Scatting ]

Come on.

[ Scatting ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Let's see what you got,

buddy.

[ Scatting ]

Ah!

Not even a pound!

[ Scatting ] Pbht!

[ Buzzer! ]

Loser!

Truly sorry this turned out

for you this way, Joe, but for

us, can we see a little more

scatting?

What do you think, I'm just

gonna... [ Scatting ]

After blowing at the buffet,

Joe has two losses on his plate,

while "q" the quitter weighs in

with one.

It's insane how fast Joe

eats.

My parents used to let kids

play in my backyard when I came

in for dinner.

So, I'd hear everybody having

fun, and I'm throwing down

Brussels sprouts.

Joe, you realize you're now

an adult.

There's no yard and no kids.

You could slow down.

[ Laughter ]

We're here at fluent

Brooklyn, and we're teaching

a foreign language.

The goal is to get a student

to sign up for our class.

We have no idea what language

we're gonna be teaching, and if

you don't get a student to sign

up, you lose.

Murr gets a pass on this one

'cause he basically speaks every

language.

Go ahead, bubbe. Prove it.

Oh, come on, guys.

I... all right.

[ Speaking foreign languages ]

Touché.

How are you?

Have a seat right over there.

Quinn's up.

Are you ready to learn a new

language?

So am I.

Italian!

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

Teach her how to talk using

her hands.

You ever see an Italian talk?

They're like, "oh!"

When you speak to Italians, it's

best to always wave your hands

around.

All right.

[ Laughter ]

That's right. Just keep...

Keep doing it. Keep doing it.

Two, two, two, two, two.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, great.

Well, what I have here is some

flash cards.

Okay, "ciao, prostitita.

Quanto?"

[ Laughter ]

"Hello, prostitute.

How much?"

[ Laughter ]

Okay, here we go.

I aspetti UN bambino o solo

grasso?

Which means?

Which means, "are you

pregnant or just fat?"

[ Laughter ]

So, what do you think?

Do you think you would like to

take some Italian courses here

with me?

Yeah?

Aw!

Come on, man.

Grazie!

[ Ding! ]

My name's sal.

No problem.

Have a seat right here.

Let's see what we're doing

today.

They have me teaching a bunch

of... ah, uh, German.

[ Laughter ]

"Say good morning."

Say good morning.

Now say it angry German.

Germans speak more like,

"guten Morgan!"

Sal, you can't get angry

enough.

Do you know how to say "no"?

"Nein!"

Let's just improvise a

conversation here and see

how we do.

[ Laughter ]

We can improvise a

conversation.

So, let's say we are hiking in

the woods.

I get attacked by a bear.

Mm-hmm.

You have to save my life.

Ready? Go.

[Bleep]

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Aah!

Nein!

Nein-ein-ein!

Nein-ein-ein!

Nein-ein-ein!

[ Laughter ]

Yes. Yes.

[ Laughter ]

Let's do some more

conversational pieces.

I have some flash cards and

stuff.

"Halt dein gesitcht, oma."

[ Both laugh ]

And that means...

Yeah?

"shut your face, grandma!"

[ Laughter ]

So, right now, can you... would

you want to take my German

Let's see what we're doing

today.

They have me teaching a bunch

of... ah, uh, German.

[ Laughter ]

Do you know how to say "no"?

"Nein!"

[ Laughter ]

Can you... would you want to

take my German class?

Ah!

That's a definite "ja!"

[ Ding! ]

Let's see what we are

teaching today.

Okay, so... oh, Portuguese.

So, we're gonna do some

Portuguese today.

Okay.

Right now I'd like to...

"Sing a Portuguese love song

to you."

[ Laughter ]

sing a Portuguese love

song.

Let me think which one I want to

sing 'cause I know so many

Portuguese love songs.

[ Laughter ]

[ Vocalizes ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Singing indistinctly ]

She looks shell-shocked.

[ Singing indistinctly ]

[ Laughter ]

All right, so, let's get into

our flash cards.

Okay, so, "gostaria de ir a um

encontro com o seu professor?"

He's stalling.

You're not gonna get out

of it.

Say it.

That's "would you like to go

on a date with your teacher?"

Oh, that was easy.

You remembered "no" so easily.

[ Laughter ]

Would you like to sign up for

my class?

Oh!

Shutdown!

Oh, how the mighty have

fallen.

Narrator: That's tres losses

for Jose, and we're just moments

away from crowning the king of

the losers.

When it's all over, who will be

sitting on the throne?

Sal, how come whenever you

meet a pretty latina, you have

to like tell her you're

half-Cuban?

Number one, I am Cuban.

No, if a girl comes up to you

and she's like, "hola," you're

like, "hey, qué pasa?!"

All of a sudden you're

cheech marin.

[ Laughter ]

He's a Mexican, you [bleep]

Guys, I just want to dance.

[ Laughter ]

Today we're in the park,

where the challenge is you have

to go up to strangers and dance

with them.

Yeah, you have to get

somebody to dance with you, but

you're not allowed to say a

word.

If you can't get them to

dance with you, you lose.

Sal's making his way on to

the dance floor.

That's your guy, sal.

Get your boogie shoes on.

Here he goes.

Let me see.

[ Laughter ]

He went to a shimmy.

Who is gonna break first?

Oh, no.

He switched it up.

Okay. Don't pour that on me.

I'm sorry.

[ Laughter ]

Not even close.

Joe, get the guy laying down.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, that is so weird-looking.

There's no way in hell that

guy's dancing with him.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer! ]

It's my turn to make an ass

out of myself.

You got to get those two old

ladies.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

He's putting the hand out.

He's putting out the olive

branch.

Yeah, but are they gonna

join in?

No way.

[ Laughs ]

Fail.

[ Buzzer! ]

All right, "q," it all comes

down to you, buddy.

Those girls are all yours.

20 years we have known

Brian Quinn.

I've never seen him dance at a

wedding, on a vacation.

I have never seen him dance.

[ Laughter ]

What is he doing?

You see this guy?

He's got nothing.

This is some [bleep] dance

moves right here, man.

He's trying.

No, he can't do it.

Oh, my god, she's getting up.

She's not dancing yet.

Together: Oh!

[ Ding! ]

She danced!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You were cheating.

You were mouthing the words!

Doesn't matter.

I didn't say anything.

Let's ask the girls.

Yeah, we'll get to the bottom

of this.

Did he say something to you?

What?!

So I can end it, please.

Oh, you son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

You're a cheater!

Cheater!

You lied!

[ Buzzer! ]

Ah, what a dick!

"Q," are you the only loser.

Agreed? Agreed?

Agreed.

[ Imitates explosion ]

She's lying.

She's clearly lying.

Narrator: Even with "q's"

loss, Joe is tonight's big

loser.

We've been waiting for this

day for a while, Joey.

Yeah, I'll tell you right

now... this one's gonna get you,

bud.

Joe's game play was full of

crap.

As a result, we've brought

him to this nice little coffee

shop.

You're gonna go in that

bathroom, which is out of toilet

paper, and have to open that

door... I mean open that door

right into the coffee shop.

Pants down, begging for

toilet paper.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

This man has no fear.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

All right, he's going in.

There he is.

Excuse me!

You're gonna go in that

bathroom, which is out of toilet

paper, and you have to open that

door and beg for help.

All right, he's going in.

There he is.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me!

I need a little help!

I ran out of toilet paper.

A little help?

Can... can someone get me some

toilet paper?

I just took a huge [bleep] and I

only have this much left.

It's a mess in here.

Ma'am, I know you see me.

Could you get someone?

He doesn't even care.

He has no shame.

Can anyone help me, please?!

Please!

This is the last piece of toilet

paper!

[ Laughter ]

Why does he never look

nervous?

It's not even fazing him.

[ Applause ]

[ Laughter ]

You got to be kidding me.

You got to be kidding me.

Why, what happened?

You don't have a shameful

bone in your body.

Hey, I needed toilet paper.

Be ashamed of something.

Your pants were around your

ankles.

Don't be mad at me that you

can't get me.

I'm going to get you.

I promise you.

All right.

I bet you you don't.

I'm going to.

I didn't wash my hands.