Original subtitles

Good evening.

Welcome to the Hitchcock Pavilion of the World's Fair.

The lack of activity at this stand is rather embarrassing.

Especially when I tell you that I'm buying kisses, not selling them. It all

seemed like such a good idea.

Buying some kisses for a dollar and then turning around and selling them for

two.

Unfortunately, just after going into business, I discovered that several

unscrupulous persons were giving them away. I shall probably lose my entire

investment. This stand...

A crate of lemons and a pound of alum, after all, with lips like mine,

could be a problem.

This evening's story concerns some rather bizarre events which take place

very ordinary home in very ordinary surroundings, the suburbs of a large

It is called Misadventure and begins just as quickly as we can run through

next commercial.

If that's for me, I'll be right there, darling.

Hello. Hello.

Is that 555 -6709?

No, this is 555 -6790.

Oh. I must have, uh... I must have a wrong number. I'm sorry.

Well, that's perfectly all right. No trouble at all.

Really? Really. Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Tell you what.

I'll be over in about half an hour. Yes, yes. You do that.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Wrong number.

Do you have to do that every time?

What's that, darling?

Nothing, dear.

Just that.

When I see you polishing the...

Silverware I just washed. I get the feeling I'm in a restaurant or

You know, my father used these tools all of his life.

These same little grave diggers.

Yes, dear, I know.

Just think of the thousands of times that that fork went in and out of the

man's mouth. All those meals, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks.

Yes, dear.

It's not like being in a restaurant at all. I mean, I know where these have

been. Yes, dear.

I'll be home for lunch today.

Oh.

You weren't going out, were you? No.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going to town.

Oh. Well, I'll have to have lunch at the coffee shop then.

I'm sorry, darling, but I really do have a lot of shopping to do.

It's all right.

And we have any of that lobster left?

Oh, yes, we have some in the refrigerator.

Did you want some? No, no, no, not now.

I was just thinking.

Why should I pay out all that money to a restaurant?

I'll just come home and have the lobster.

It's awfully late, darling. You'd better hurry.

Goodbye, dear. Have a nice day in town.

Goodbye, dear.

Oh, dear.

Yes. Three dollars.

Have a good lunch. Thank you, darling. Bye -bye.

Thank you very much.

Yes, ma 'am.

I beg your pardon? May I read the meter?

Oh, yes.

Well?

What did you say?

Oh, where is it?

Oh, it's right through there. The light switch is on the wall. I can't remember

every house, you know. No matter how many times you've been there, they just

don't pay us to be that smart.

I'm sorry.

has been playing with that meter.

Nobody's been playing with the meter that I know of.

Anything wrong?

Anything wrong?

We're not fooled by a sudden low reading on the meter.

Now, look here. Just what are you suggesting?

I'm not suggesting anything.

Oh, really, I assure you that if the... If there's a

low reading on the meter, it isn't because somebody's been tampering with

silly thing.

There's a terrible smell of gas in there.

I don't smell anything.

Oh, you can even hear it.

No, there's nothing down there.

You left something open.

I don't smell anything.

Oh, you left one of the burners on.

Yeah, we're always being called. They were off. I just checked them. It's

from in there, I tell you.

From in where?

From in the basement. You can even hear it. It's awful.

Lady, look, I can't spend a whole morning holding your hand.

Please, please, please don't go now. You can't just walk out and leave me with

this. Listen, if anything was wrong, I'd know, wouldn't I? Look, will you just

listen? If you can't smell it, just listen.

Don't light a match, you fool. You want to blow up the house?

If you want to shout who you're hitting, lady, I'll report you to the gas

company.

I turned the valve off.

The pipe is broken.

Would you please fix it right away?

What's the matter with you?

What's the telephone number of the gas company?

I asked you a question. What's your number?

Well, if I tell you, you call them and report me.

Certainly I'll call up and report you.

You're incompetent.

Also irresponsible.

Don't tell him, lady.

I'll lose my job.

It's about time, I'd say.

No, no, no.

Listen, I'll fix the leak. I promise.

Just as soon as I'm over this attack of fever.

Fever? It's only malaria.

It isn't contagious.

No, please.

They'll fire me if they find out I've been sick again.

For their sake. Hello?

Can I help you?

I'm sorry, I have the wrong number.

Thank you, lady.

Thank you. Oh, get up off the floor and fix the thing, will you?

This is ridiculous. I have a busy morning ahead of me. You're being very

civilized, Mike.

I won't forget it.

I'll be all right in a minute.

If you could just...

Look, I'd better call a doctor. You can't stay here if you're sick.

Oh, no.

No, don't call the doctor.

They'll find out. You see, a doctor would have to report me.

Well, you can't work this way. No, I'll be all right in a minute.

You want some coffee?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Thank you for buying it.

I'm so cold.

There. Is that all right? Oh, that's marvelous.

You're very kind.

I'm sorry if I all seem rude when I come in, but I was half out of my mind.

These old wounds, they kick up when these attacks come.

You have old wounds? Yeah, I was fighting in the South Pacific.

Captured, tortured, put in a PW camp for three years.

Lucky, I guess.

That's luck.

Yes, I... I was a colonel.

A colonel. Very impressive.

I guess I better get at that pipe.

I must say, you don't sound like a gas man.

Are you all right?

It's no good, is it?

No, it never really goes away. Like it warmed up.

I'd better go and come back later. That's a good idea. You'll feel better

you get home. No, oh, no, no. I can't go home like this.

It scares my wife, and she's always looking for a chance to leave me anyway.

No, I...

I'll go find a park bench someplace, and I'll wait there. It's cold out. You

can't just... This is ridiculous. I've got things to do.

Don't you worry about me.

We've got to get a doctor and an ambulance.

You really want to help me?

Yes, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

There's something you can do to help me. It won't take any time, just a few

minutes, and I'll be all right.

Well, what?

A hot bath or shower.

It always works.

Really? Come off it. I can't. I promise. Just ten minutes, and I'll be okay.

All right.

If you've got to hurry, I've got some friends coming.

I'll never forget your kindness. Don't mind that. Just hurry, because I've got

some friends coming.

Yes. To play bridge. I understand. It wouldn't look right for a mere gas man

be found taking a shower. Oh, it isn't bad. It doesn't matter who. Oh, look,

you manage?

Yes, I am.

Hello? Hello, Eva? Yes, Marge.

Marge, dear, I can't talk right now. Can I call you back?

All right, dear. I've got a cake in the oven.

That's as good an excuse as... Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Goodbye.

Uh, mister, um...

Are you all right?

Are you all right?

How did I get into this?

I don't know.

Mister, I'm coming in.

I'm coming in.

Oh, no.

I think I'm going to be all right.

Oh, I thought you were dead.

That would have been the end.

You get out of there.

I think it's gone.

You get out of that bed this instant.

Oh, lying down takes the strain off my wounds. You can't stay in there.

Go. Perfectly right. Anybody finding me here would certainly get the wrong

impression. You stay there. Oh, no. I couldn't possibly stay in your bed so

of the time. You stay here.

Oh, no. If you make one sound, I'll kill you.

Bruce, listen to me. Just listen to me.

But don't.

Bruce, don't. Now stop it. Why? Give me a reason. Because I made a mistake.

What kind of a mistake?

My husband's on his way home.

What? He called and said he was sick and he's coming home.

You will call tomorrow.

Sure, sure. If I got the time, I'll call tomorrow.

You take that robe off and get out of this house. My husband would kill you if

he saw you in that. Oh, stop that.

Get out of there or I will call the police. Oh, darling, it's been four

You're a fake.

There's nothing wrong with you at all.

My ears are fine.

This is impossible.

Oh, how he ran when he heard your husband was coming home.

Courage of a rabbit. Not the best you could do.

That is none of your business. Now get out.

Do you admit he's your boyfriend?

I don't have to admit anything to you. Where are you going? I am going to call

the gas company, and then I'm going to call the police. Call your husband at

same time. I'd like to tell him all about this business.

I'll tell him you attacked me.

Ann, just suppose I didn't.

If I say you attacked me, you'll believe me?

All right.

You call your husband, you tell him a strange man is in your bed and he won't

get out. You think I won't? You tell him that you gave the strange man

permission to take a shower and now he's in your bed. Oh, that should make a

very good explanation. Get out of here right now!

If you think I'm not going to do anything because I'm afraid of my

better think again.

He's not going to take some fool gas man's word against mine. Now you get out

I will scream this house down!

Do you think my being here is some kind of an accident?

I've been watching you for weeks.

What do you mean?

I saw your boyfriend coming in one day when I was making my rounds.

He's a landscape artist.

Oh, I have three pictures of him. On Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

See, I've been sitting in my car across the street most of last week watching

you.

I don't believe you.

for a telephoto lens.

I overexposed them on soft paper and then underdeveloped them. It makes for a

less contrasting print that way.

You're a blackmailer. No, I've never given it much thought.

Well, this time you picked the wrong person because I haven't got any money,

the joke's on you.

Come on now, huh?

Nice house like this must be worth quite a bit.

This will give me one cent more than it takes to run it.

Yeah, well, I've only seen him once in my life, but he did strike me as being a

bit prudent.

Prudent?

He is a tight -fisted, miserly... Filthy rich?

Loaded.

But not with cash. It's mostly in trust funds, stocks, and bonds. You know what

I'm saying.

All right, relax.

I'm not a professional blackmailer.

Oh, come off it. Those pictures, you went to a lot of trouble. No, no, it was

fun.

Well, I must say, you certainly set this up like a pro.

No, just an amateur.

What do you mean, just an amateur?

Well, blackmailers do it for money, don't they?

I'm not after your money, dear.

What's the matter?

You crying?

You are crying.

What have you got to cry about?

If anybody's going to cry, it should be me.

Although I must say, you are a most unusual gas man.

I'm not a gas man.

Well, then what are you? I don't even know your name.

If you think that a gas man can take all his time off without getting fired,

you're very naive.

Well, would you kindly explain it?

I've been watching you every day, all day, and even into the night, hoping to

catch a glimpse of you.

What are you talking about?

I bought a gun last week.

Oh, now, look here. Don't worry.

If I use it, I'll be on myself.

Are you all right?

When I was watching that boyfriend of yours, I was overcome by an emotion I

never felt before in my life.

And what was that?

Jealousy. Raging jealousy. I wanted to kill that rat with my bare hands.

Now, listen. This is a respectable neighborhood.

And your husband.

Oh, the number of times I... Plotted his murder in the last week or two.

Now, wait, wait, just a minute. That's why I bought this gas man's uniform.

It was all part of the plan.

Know how it was going to work?

Well, hardly.

I was coming by, like I did this morning. But I'd come by when you were

shopping, and he was alone.

And then I was going to go down to the basement.

It was the basement that gave me the idea.

It has only one vent, and you can stuff it with a newspaper.

And then I was going to disconnect the gas pipe.

Like you did a while ago, you mean.

No, no, no.

That was just to annoy you.

Then I was going to disconnect the pipe below the valve and take out the screw

inside the basement door and leave.

Place it, fill it with gas, George, it's money, go down to investigate.

And when he found he couldn't fix it by turning the valve, he'd rush back up to

the basement door, turn the knob, give it a pull.

It would come off in his hand.

On the inside.

Clever. Oh, crazy.

It would work.

Oh, yes.

But why couldn't he just fit the knob back on and let himself out?

Well, he probably could if he wasn't in a hurry and breathing in gas all the

time. There's very little margin for error. The bar is very loose.

Miss that bar by one sixty -fourth of an inch.

It falls out on the other side.

That's it.

Verdict. Accidental death.

By misadventure.

It's very ingenious.

I locked myself in a friend's bathroom once the same way.

You know...

You have to be a little way out to figure this.

I'm madly in love with you.

Well, come on, you better get dressed. My husband will be home pretty soon for

lunch.

You don't understand.

I'm serious.

Or would you rather fix it for him? Now, come on.

Maybe you'll be more impressed when I tell you that I'm a private detective.

And that I'm here to get evidence for the divorce your husband is planning.

What?

I thought that might impress you.

And it looks like I've got the evidence.

Doesn't it?

No, you're like all wives with fat husbands.

You underestimate their brains.

He's been on to you for some months.

Oh, you dirty snicking.

So, you've just invested the year of your life for nothing.

With the evidence I've got, your husband is going to sue that fishpond artist

for alienation of affection.

You're not only broke, but out in the cold.

I knew you were a phony all along. I just knew it.

Too late now, though, isn't it?

You don't have to tell him.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you love me now.

Now that you think I got something on you.

That's what I was afraid of. You report to him and you'll never see me again, I

promise you. But, dear, it doesn't matter whether I report or not. He

suspected what was going on before he called me in. My reports only confirm

a man was coming around to see you. You mean you already told him? I didn't know

I was going to fall in love with you.

I haven't shown him the pictures yet, but he's already got enough evidence to

start divorce proceedings.

How dare... He suspects me of being unfaithful. You've got a mean and

nature, my dear. And his endless boring talk about his endless boring family.

And how many times got Forkland into his precious father's... Oh, dear, dear,

dear, dear.

It's all right.

Don't worry.

He's not going to bother you anymore, my dear.

Now, it's true I'm not rich. Well, I'm deaf up to my ears. But look, I got a

little apartment.

Just a couple of rooms, you know, over at Butcher's Shop, but we can fix it up,

and it'll be real nice.

Don't you worry.

We're going to manage.

I got a lot of credit cards, and I'm very handy with a hammer and saw.

All the time he's been sitting there, slapping himself and smiling at me, and

knew all along.

This is a faithful man.

Get your car.

I'm going to fill up with everything in this house worth paying, starting with

this precious family's silver.

It wouldn't work.

He'd have you arrested in hours.

He's not going to get away with this.

There's nothing he can do now, dear.

Except pray that he gets run over on a bus on his way home or that his asthma

chokes him. No.

Being a widow is the only way you'd get anything out of him now.

What are you doing?

Was your idea?

Not murder.

But you said it was a simple case of misadventure.

Oh, no.

I can't. Look, darling.

Henry.

Henry, I can't live over a butcher shop.

Oh, I can fix it up. I'm very handy. I don't care how handy you are.

I like nice things.

Space and a new car and a good vacation every year.

I want those things for you, for us together.

I don't want you to have to work all your life.

You work too hard.

I just know you felt something for me.

Well, a girl can't show everything she feels for a man.

You might think she's cheap.

Suppose if those two people love each other enough.

Now, why don't you, why don't you just fix that door, darling?

And I'll go and change my clothes, and I'll hide in the garden shed.

You said you didn't want me here anyway when you did it.

He's going to be home pretty soon.

Look, uh... What's the matter?

I've got the nerve, actually.

I'll turn on the gas if that's what's bothering you. As you said,

it's just a case of misadventure.

I hope we're doing the right thing, dear.

Of course we are.

Spoon China.

Darling? Darling, what's happened? Oh, not all the good cups. She must be out

her mind. Look at the bright side, George.

Think of all the spare saucers you've got.

Colin.

Aren't you glad to see me, George?

Of course.

Of course I'm glad to see you.

You look so much older, Colin.

Well, things haven't been very easy for me these last five years.

Perhaps it shows.

My, my, has it really been five years since you've been in this house? Yes,

perhaps just as well, considering how things were the last time we met.

Oh, well, surely two brothers can have a little quarrel now and again without

becoming bad friends.

Blood is thicker than water, after all.

As your mother used to say.

Yes, I was sorry you couldn't make it to Mother's funeral.

I never like funerals, George.

Well, how long am I going to stay?

Don't worry, George.

I have a reservation on this evening's plane.

Oh, so soon.

What a shame. Just a quick business trip.

You must have met my wife.

Or did you let yourself in?

You seem to be in a terrible mess.

Eva! She's not here, George.

Oh, that's right. She was going shopping.

She seems to have had some kind of an accident.

Dear me.

She's a charming girl. You did meet, though, huh?

Yes.

We met.

Not a bad catch for a fellow like me, eh?

Did you have time to talk to her?

Yes, yes. We got on quite intimate terms, as a matter of fact, considering

short time we spent together.

Oh, I'm glad. She has a charming way, even with strangers.

By the way, here's a picture that might interest you. Oh.

Is this... Yes.

It's my wife, Margaret, two boys, little Sandra.

She looks... Yes, she looks terrible, doesn't she?

I must confess I wouldn't recognize her. Well, as I said, things have been

rather difficult for us lately.

My nephew Michael seems to have grown.

Curious, Colin, but I thought you had four children.

That isn't Michael.

It's David.

Oh.

Michael died last week.

It was appendicitis.

The old car broke down and... didn't make it in time.

I am sorry.

Are you?

Remember I wrote you two years ago asking for some money to replace that

but... You said you needed a new car for yourself.

Colin, I hope you're not suggesting that it was my fault that your boy died.

No.

It was just a case of death by misadventure.

I am sorry, Colin.

A combination of unfortunate circumstances.

Did you smell gas?

Oh, that's my fault. I was trying to fix some coffee. I couldn't get it lighted.

Terrible thing.

I told her never to touch the good china.

I used it myself, of course. It was father's. You remember?

Oh, yeah, I remember it very well.

That's why I broke it.

You? Why?

Well, actually, I thought it might please the old man's ghost.

I'm sure he's tired watching you swill your coffee out of him.

That's utter nonsense.

You just did it to keep me from enjoying them, that's all.

Why would I want to do that?

Because you never got over your jealousy of my mother. That's why.

Your mother was a pleasant hobby my father took up in middle age to occupy

amuse himself with after my mother died.

I certainly was never jealous.

Don't you dare talk about my mother like that.

You'd better go. I can see nothing has changed between us.

All right.

I'll go.

First, I'd like to ask you a question.

After all, I did come all this way to kill you.

No, don't panic, George.

I've had a change of mind. This was just in case.

What do you want? My share.

What else would I want from you?

Well, you have no rights.

No, I got no legal rights.

Your lawyers have made that very clear. The old man's money went to your mother

and then to you.

And all is legal.

But it's really half mine, isn't it? Huh?

For the last time, George, can I have my share or not?

Cullen, you don't seem to understand.

Yes or no, George.

between us. Why should you share with me?

Exactly. Why should I? Would you do the same for me?

Yes.

I think I would.

But then my mother was soft -hearted.

It was her money originally, you know.

Did you know that?

Yeah. Oh, well. Doesn't matter now.

I'll be off.

I want to shake that wet fish hand of yours. It makes my soul shiver.

Oh, whatever you like. Doesn't make a bit of difference.

Just so long as you don't ever come in this house again.

Oh, by the way, your wife's in the basement.

What? What did you say? Like I told you, when I came here, I had the bright idea

of killing you. Oh, I knew you'd turn me down.

I figured the only way I could get my share would be to inherit it, being your

only relative.

But as long as you had a wife, well, I couldn't inherit it. Could I?

So I got rid of her first.

I am sorry, George.

You... Eva!

In the basement, George.

Who walks the stair without a care and shoots so high in the sky?

Drops up and down just like a clown, everyone knows it's Slinky. The best

present yet to give or get, the kids will all want to try.

The hit of the day when you're ready to play, everyone knows it's Slinky. It's

Slinky, it's Slinky, for fun it's the best of the toys.

It's Slinky, it's Slinky, the favorite of girls and boys.

And look at these.

Here are some more wonderful slinky toys.

Here is a slinky hippo.

And here is a slinky elephant.

And here is a slinky caterpillar.

A slinky toy, a slinky toy will run and play all day.

A slinky toy, a slinky toy, my favorite toy, you say.

Here is a slinky toy for every girl and boy.

Nothing went wrong.

What happened?

It's all right now.

Could you tell me what happened?

Well, he wouldn't go down to shut off the gas, so I had to put him down.

You didn't hit him or anything. How else could I get him down there? Oh, you

fool. He wasn't about to go down there with all that gas.

There was nothing else I could do.

This is going to look very accidental.

Yeah, well, I mean, they'll think he fell down the stairs and banged his head

something. Look.

Don't worry.

Don't worry. You practically put us in the gas chamber with your stupidity and

you say, don't worry.

Look, all right, now you're hysterical.

I'll never be able to figure it out.

The police have all these scientific things.

I'm a detective.

I know what they've got.

You shouldn't have hit him.

Now, look, dear, now, everything is going to be all right.

Try to forget about it. Everything is fine.

I wiped up the blood.

Blood?

Where was it? In the kitchen, here and there.

Oh, you won't find a trace of it. But they will. They can trace anything.

Oh, that's only on television.

Real policemen aren't that lucky.

Why did I ever trust you? You're such a fool.

You're as big a fool as George.

There, there, there, dear.

Don't touch me.

And don't call me dear. I'm not your dear, and I wouldn't be your dear if you

were the last man in the world. It's from marrying you and living over

What's your shop?

Pour yourself together.

Just a bit more and we'll be finished.

Get me a drink, will you?

In the den over there.

Operator, get me the police.

Police Department, Officer Smith.

Hello, listen...

Darling,

don't call the police yet.

We're not ready yet. Take it easy.

Well, you... You weren't going to... You murdered him. It was even your idea.

I'm not going to take the blame.

You were going to tell the police that.

You came here and forced me into it.

Now, darling...

Think it over.

It was you that took the screw out of the knob.

It was you that broke the gas pipe. They won't find my fingerprints on anything.

They'll know you were lying.

Fingerprints.

Well, your fingerprints don't matter. You live here.

Oh, trust me, darling.

Can't you trust me? How can I trust you? You're such a fool.

You're upset. Now, look, I'll tidy up around here, and you make your calls

according to plan. I don't think we should.

We've got to establish an alibi for you. You'd better hurry.

Martin and Cranbourne, may I help you?

Hello, this is Mrs. Martin. May I speak to my husband, please?

Oh, I see. Well, I'm in town shopping.

I'll try the house. Thank you very much. You're welcome, Miss Cotton.

What if they trace the call?

They can't.

Operator. Operator, give me the police, please.

Police department, Officer Smith. Hello.

I'm worried about my husband, and I wondered if you could help.

See, he said he was going home for lunch, and he doesn't answer the phone.

He has very bad asthma, and I wondered... Can I have your name and

please?

Mrs. Eva Martin, 27 Crescent Drive.

I'm in town shopping, and I suppose it's silly to worry, but I called his

office, and they said he definitely went home for lunch.

I see, Mrs. Martin.

And what is the number you're calling from?

I'm in a booth.

I'll only be here for a little while.

I'll call you back in 20 minutes.

I'll send a man over to check it out.

Oh, yes, that would relieve my mind. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Now, come on. Let's get out of here.

That'll be the police checking to see that you dialed your husband at the

number.

Oh, hurry, please.

Do come on.

What's the matter?

What is the matter?

Find those pictures.

What pictures?

The ones I took of you and your boyfriend.

In the bedroom?

No, no. I had them since I was in the kitchen.

I had them right here in my pocket. Well, where could they be?

I must have dropped them when I put George down in the basement.

Well, hurry up and get them.

Yes, we have to get them. The police would certainly figure things out if

saw those.

get them.

I don't think I can bear to look at them.

Don't be stupid.

I can't.

I can't do it. Oh, give me that.

Besides being stupid, you're a coward.

Brady, would you get me the police department?

Police department, Officer Smith. Oh, hello, officer. This is George Martin.

wife asked you to phone me.

Man with the asthma?

Uh, yes, that's right.

Car's on its way now, sir.

Oh, well, you can find something more important to do.

I've just spoken with my wife, and she's okay. I'm sorry. You know what a fuss

wives make over these things.

Sounded pretty excited.

Okay, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, she's okay now. She's quieted down.

Well, thank you very much, officer.

She won't be bothering you for a while.

Thanks for calling.

Colin was apprehended. I think it is worth mentioning that he was tried in a

state that dispenses poetic justice.

He went to the gas chamber.

This concludes my portion of the program.

I shall return next week with another story.

It's a phantomonium marathon on TV land, all weekend long, all the finest

episodes. Bet you can't watch just one.