Original subtitles

Good evening.

This evening's play is about an elderly recluse who found a friend.

Just how good a friend I shall allow you to judge for yourselves.

I do not believe in usurping an audience's prerogative.

But before we have our play, it must be introduced.

This will be done not by me, but by the three finalists in the Alfred Hitchcock

look -alike contest.

The reason for my lack of enthusiasm for this contest will be apparent when I

tell you that I entered and was eliminated in the first round.

I couldn't make the wait.

I shall now turn you over to Miss White Leather, who is in charge of the finals.

And now for our first contestant.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Alfred Hitchcock Hour.

This evening we shall present a story, but first a word from our...

Sponsor.

Sponsor.

Who's there?

Come on, Gerald.

Three, three, three, and... I reckon I'll break your arm. Now, you calmly

down to the end of that path. Turn to the left, I'll turn to the right. I'll

meet you back at the plate.

Now, once more, please.

Three, three, two, one.

I just love our nightly sing together.

Good evening, Officer Pete Craig.

Good evening, Miss Emmy. Come and sing with us.

Sweet dreamy dreamland, where have my dreams

come true?

You have a very nice voice, young man. Doesn't he have a nice voice, Officer

Pete Craig?

Nice to have a nice voice.

Thank you.

Is that mine or yours?

It's mine.

I thought it was.

I don't ever remember having a bed like that.

Sit down. Sit down.

The birds here just love my cookie crumbs.

They don't like the chocolate chips, though.

I hate those things going off. They go off so often. I have to protect my ears.

They're very sensitive to sharp noises and cold.

Good night, Miss Emmy.

Is it fire, ambulance, or police?

It's a police siren, Miss Emmy.

Did he say goodbye?

Hmm.

I was just thinking how awful it is that people are so mean to each other.

That's one thing, when you get to be 75, you see clearer than anything else how

mean people are to each other.

It's just awful.

I just shudder to think what's happened to the horses. Horses just seem to have

vanished from the face of the earth.

When I was a little girl, I had a... I had

the most adorable pony.

Oh, dear, now I've forgotten his name.

Oh, how awful.

Sunshine. Sunshine, that was his name.

What about Sunshine?

You were talking about your pony.

Oh, yes, I had a pony. His name was Sunshine.

I talk too much.

Forgive me.

My name is Gerald.

My name is Emmy Rice.

How do you do?

What do you do?

Gerald.

Gerald. Yeah.

Do you mind if I write that down?

I find that if I don't write things down, I sometimes don't remember.

G... E -R -A -L -D. G -E...

here listening to me. That was very nice of you.

I enjoyed it.

You did?

Well, that makes it nicer still.

Nobody ever listens to me much anymore.

It's nice for an old woman to get listened to.

Nobody ever comes to see me anymore. I'm almost always alone.

Almost never see a living soul.

I'll bet you are a very good cook.

home -cooked meal in years. I'd love to.

Why?

Well, I have dinner with you at your place. It's awfully nice of you to ask

I did?

Oh, yes.

Well, I happen to have in my freezing compartment some stew meat that I've

saving for some something special.

Well, I'd love to. When?

You don't think I'm bold asking a total stranger to dinner?

It's leap year, isn't it?

Jones from next door says you took a pot without asking her. Oh, well, I knocked

on her door to ask her, but she was out.

I'm having a caller. I don't have enough pans to cook for two. Where is she?

Well, she's out of the water.

Just a minute.

I knocked on your door, Mrs. Jones, to ask. I only need it for this evening.

I don't have a pan big enough to cook for two.

I bought a chicken and...

Pot is the only one it'll fit in.

Miss Amy's got a dinner cooking. I'll loan you a pot.

All right.

But don't fit again, Miss Amy, please. Unless you asked.

No.

Who is it?

It's Mrs.

Goldie, Miss Amy.

Don't tell Mrs. Jones, but I stole two onions, too.

Now, the rent. You're here for the rent.

Where did I put my purse?

Oh.

Tomorrow, Miss Emmy, the truck is coming by. Wouldn't you like to get rid of

some of these magazines?

The Hanukkah bushes.

Huh? The Christmas trees.

No.

Miss Emmy, you've lost your touch with reality. I have not.

I like seeing the years packed up around me this way, that way. I know that all

these things that have been written about have happened. Makes them seem

real.

Then a snake would have bit me.

Two dollars too much.

Oh, you must be more careful, Miss Emmy.

Someone someday won't be as honest as I am. Right.

So, who's coming for dinner?

My gentleman called.

Looks so much like someone I used to know.

Can't remember where.

His name is, uh... Gerald.

Continued on page three.

And the night watchman died on the way to the hospital and the murderer made

away with over $100 ,000.

You know, it's funny to make the headlines and not even get your picture

front page.

What are you thinking about?

You've been thinking about something all day.

I just don't like it when you're thinking about something because you're

paying any attention to me.

You're planning something, aren't you?

And why are you getting all dressed up anyway?

Are you going out?

Don't look like that.

You always look like that right before you hit me.

I don't have anything nice to wear, Gerald.

I don't even have a nice dress.

I'm not intending on going back after I got out for good behavior.

He promised me when we got married he'd buy me lots of...

You stole those things from me, Gerald.

I never know where anything is.

I could have a thousand dollars in this room and never even know it.

I'm not as sharp as I used to be.

Here it is.

Ah, good.

Look, that stew smells good. I haven't had a home -cooked meal in years.

I'll hold that. It's on the end.

Looking for you, I went to two splendid funerals. My energy isn't what it used

to be.

I'll close my eyes for a few minutes.

Little cat nap.

Just close my eyes ten minutes and I'll be fixed.

Oh, goodness.

What is it? Oh, gracious.

Oh, well, the stew.

What's wrong? Do you smell it? No. It's burning on the bottom. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, well, it'll be all right.

Hey, you know, I didn't smell a thing.

Well, I can't see your head here as well as I used to, but my nose is still A

number one.

Father used to tease me, said he could have made a fortune hiring me out as a

bledhound to crack down the skip cut.

Come with the love like Lee.

In your dear eyes of blue Meet me in dreamland

Sweet dreamy dreamland There let my

dreams come true

One more for you, love.

There. What are you doing?

I'm playing with the money.

What good does it do us if we can't even spend it?

Oh,

Gerald. What good does it do us if we can't spend a penny?

Chicken feathers.

What could this money do us if we can't even spend it?

Huh? Huh, Gerald?

Huh? Huh, Gerald?

We'll be able to spend it all very soon in a very unsuspecting way.

Where?

I'm going to put it all in magazines.

In what?

Magazines.

And then it'll all be ours when she's dead.

Who?

Who?

Did I ever tell you about sunshine, the crabapple, the tiny bit in my leg?

Yes, you did, Aunt Emmy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you forgot the meatloaf.

been meaning to talk to you about, Aunt Emmy.

It's a tricky subject in a way.

Wondered where that night down went.

And what, Jared?

Uh, what?

What you were saying.

Oh.

Oh, well, look, dear, you, um... You know I wouldn't hurt your opinions for

word. Now, you know that, don't you?

You're not going away, are you?

Oh, no.

Don't scare me that way, Gerald. That's the worst thing I can think of.

It's not me I'm thinking about. It's you.

You'll be going away someday, you know.

Perhaps sooner than we know.

I never get to go anywhere.

Except to some funerals in certain areas I know how to get to by streetcar.

There was a wonderful funeral in the West End yesterday and I couldn't go

because I didn't know how to get there.

Ah, now that.

That is exactly what I am talking about.

The, um... The one funeral you won't miss.

Oh.

Oh, when that time comes, you won't need to worry about your old auntie. She'll

be ready.

Anyway, it won't happen for a long time.

My mother was 95, and my father was 97, and my grandfather was...

One hundred and six.

And I feel fine.

Yes, you told me.

Well, that's all.

Let's have our coffee in the parlor. All right.

Bring the coffee, will you, Gerald?

Okay.

Coming up.

The only reason I bring this up is because I read this book the other day

wills. Have you made one?

One what?

anybody to bother.

Oh, Aunt Emily, that is just not true.

You have a lot of wonderful things.

Your Christmas trees, your linen, your lace, your china.

Look, you don't want Mrs. Goldie coming in here, do you, after you've gone just

taking everything, do you?

You think she would?

Well, if there's no will, no next of kin.

What do you want, Gerald? You can have anything you want.

I didn't mean it that way, Aunt Emmy.

No, no, neither did I, but I want you to have whatever you want.

You think I brought it up so that your favorite nephew could inherit your

fortune, and that's just not nice, Aunt Emmy. No, not at all. Yes, you did.

Don't be mad, Gerald.

I haven't any fortune.

Papa lost everything in the crash, and Mama's last illness ate up the rest.

Well.

Do you know what a recluse is?

No. Somebody very eccentric.

Stashes away millions and millions of dollars all over the place.

Oh, not me, Gerald. I never even saw a million dollars.

All I have is a few little shares of Allied Gas Corporation and some

Colorado uranium.

They send me money every once in a while. It's what I live on. That and my

social security.

I'm not a reckless.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Aunt Emmy. Now, there should be some provision that

these stocks can go to whomever you want them to.

To you, Gerald.

I don't want your stocks.

Oh, look, dear.

All I want is some little token.

Some little memento of the happy hours we've spent together. That's all I want.

Oh, dear, no. Look, there has to be a will.

Well, I can't afford a lawyer.

Look, come on. You just come with me and sit down.

Right here. I have read this law book about wills. And I've decided that

somebody ought to draw up a proper one for you.

Oh, Gerald, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Do you think we can round up a couple of witnesses in the house?

Mrs. Gold and Mrs. Jones?

Oh, that's fine.

Pop always used to manage my affairs.

It's nice to have a man around again to advise me. Oh, boy, you sure need one. I

tell you, you stand to lose everything.

Now, I, Emmy Rice, being of sound mind, give, devise,

and bequeath all my property, whether real, personal, or mixed, wheresoever

located, to, uh... Tell me, what's the name of your church?

Oh, I go to St.

Andrews. St. Andrews, that's fine.

There are only two paragraphs.

Now, I'll fill in these details if they're okay with you.

The sole exception to the foregoing is that I give, devise, and bequeath to my

dear friend, Gerald Musgrove, the following.

Be solid.

sum that may be.

That's just in case you are a reckless.

But I'm the stock, Gerald.

All you're going to get is the watch.

No, no, no. I don't want your stock, Aunt Amy. All I want is the watch.

And the money.

I'd much rather have my sweet dear little Aunt Emmy among the living,

down in my socks.

My mother was 97, and my father was 95, and my grandmother,

106. No, Aunt Emmy.

Your mother was 95, your father was 97, and your grandfather, not

mother, was 106. And you feel just fine.

Now, if you'll just round up those witnesses, our will will be valid.

Well, I'll go get Miss Jones and Miss Goldie right away.

Fine.

Oh, be careful.

I don't want you falling down those stairs.

Yet. What did you say, General?

Nothing, Aunt Emmy.

Oh, Miss Gracious, I can't remember when.

I'd even forgotten there was one.

Ready?

Yes.

Well, yes.

Yes.

Actually, I've been ready since 7 o 'clock this morning. I was so excited I

couldn't sleep.

You know, you needed some sleeping pills. I can get you some. No, I enjoyed

excitement. A cat nap or two in the country.

All right, let's go.

All right. Now, you take the hamper and...

Take the umbrella, and then I'll lock up.

Gerald, you know, I went to the most wonderful funeral yesterday in the rain.

There were all these people in black, looking like blackbirds carrying

umbrellas. You lock up. I'll take the bag.

What's wrong?

I made a mistake looking down.

Don't move. I'll be right there.

Dizzy, I'll be all right.

Thank goodness.

Oh, thank goodness you're young.

A fall like that would have killed someone like me.

Gerald, fall down. Don't fall.

That's enough.

No, there's a little tiny place right there. Ow, stop it.

Why don't you poison it?

No, stupid.

It's traceable.

over $100 ,000 in her room.

This is my cousin Mildred. She's heard me raving about you so much she wanted

meet you. I hope you don't mind.

Hello, Aunt Annie.

I'm not your aunt.

Oh, you're not my aunt either, you know.

I've known you longer, Gerald.

Aren't you going to invite us in?

Oh, yes.

Oh, thanks, Gerald.

What?

I brought you these tulips tonight, Aunt Annie.

And another bottle of this.

Thank you, Gerald. You're always so good to me.

Yet you look pretty, Aunt Emmy.

I only have a tiny chicken, Gerald. Not enough for three.

Oh, well, Millie eats like a bird, so you don't have to worry.

Only one potato to mash and only two of those glasses.

I'll drink out of a coffee cup.

Aunt Emmy, you mustn't be mad at me now for bringing her.

She's a very lonely girl. She has no friends, no family.

I've been telling her how sweet and charming and wonderful you are.

Well, what fun.

And I'm not at all disappointed.

You're everything he said.

And more.

Don't you want to know the truth?

I'm jealous.

The jealous?

Of my cousin.

Your cousin?

I told you.

Dear. Oh, well, in that case, you can have the glass and I'll drink out of the

coffee cup.

And, Amy, you better wake up if you want to go for your walk.

How long have I been asleep?

About ten minutes.

Oh.

What walk?

Remember you said you wanted to go for a walk on the street and do some window

shopping?

Oh, yes.

Oh, that would be nice.

I ought to come over here someday and browse again.

Ain't those sirens?

Oh,

and I've forgotten my earmuffs.

Well, look, I mean, see, I remember to bring them for you. Oh, Gerald, what

would I do without you?

Oh, dear, just too many people. Too many people everywhere.

Just too many everywhere.

Why, there's...

Right here.

Oh, goodness.

No, no, no. You're just going to go to sleep.

That's right. Come on. Oh, Gerald. Gerald, don't leave me. Don't leave me.

promise you.

Here you are.

You put your carrots in too early.

Potatoes, too. They're all cooked up too much.

Oh, dear. This is awful. I can't eat that.

Millie's not the cook you are, Aunt Emmy.

She's no cook at all.

There's more to cooking than putting things in a pot.

This is poison.

Get it to me.

Let's put me some cottage cheese in a plate.

How she peeled my potatoes.

Peeling for half an inch thick.

That's wasteful. She wastes too much.

Here's your pillow, Danny.

I'm not her aunt.

Come on, dear.

Take your pillow.

That's a good girl.

There we are.

She doesn't like me either.

That's one vibration I've always been able to feel. The vibration of not being

liked.

Now, Aunt Emmy, she just adores you.

That's just nonsense. Come on, now. Oh, look at Aunt Emmy.

Going to sleep.

Copping out on me. I've been feeling awfully drowsy lately, Gerald.

Not up to speed.

stand is waste. I haven't liked her since the minute she set her feet in

door. You should see the way she peels potatoes.

She's been at it several days, wasting my gas, trying to run up my bill.

Tell Mrs. Goldie I hope she's satisfied about my magazines.

Yes, ma 'am.

As if my bill wasn't high enough already with all the cooking I've been doing

for them.

Gerald tried to stop her.

Flagrant waste is a terrible sin.

I'm a stockholder, and I like gas, and I don't approve of wasting our commodity.

And the worst of it is it's making me sick.

You have a phone around here.

Oh, there's one in the hall.

Is it fixed now so I can fix dinner tonight?

I've got a nice roast.

It's fixed.

Give me the police, please.

Who is it?

It's us.

Is this the girl?

Yes, that's the one turning on the gas.

I'm sorry, Gerald. I told you she didn't like me. Why didn't you stop her,

Gerald? Gassing an old woman.

That's what the gas meant that she was doing.

Annie, I just don't know what you're... It wasn't my idea. It was Gerald's idea.

Why didn't you shut up? I don't believe that. That's not true.

Oh, no? Then who had to make out a will, Annie?

I thought I told you to shut up. Hold it.

I think we'd better go down to the station and have a little talk.

The magazines, where are the magazines?

Why?

Where are the magazines?

The collector came and took them away.

Where?

What collector? Where?

Don't, don't, don't yell, Gerald, don't.

Where? Mrs.

Goldie said that they were dust catchers and that I was losing my touch with

reality, gathering old magazines and Christmas trees, so when the collector

today, I told him to take them away.

Well... No, Gerald, please. Please don't yell.

Stop! All right, let's go.

It's not Gerald's fault. It's all his.

Oh, Gerald, Gerald, don't be mad with me.

I'll cut you out of my will.

Drop dead.

One thousand.

Two. Two thousand.

Three. Three thousand.

Four. I must remember to defrost.

Five. Five thousand.

Six. Six thousand.

Now you see how the term cold cash originated.

Unfortunately for our intrepid heroine, she was arrested the next day at a bank

where she attempted to deposit her frozen assets.

Miss Emmy now resides in a prison for senior citizens where she is on the

Mahjong team.

As for the Alfred Hitchcock look -alike contest, all of your votes are in and

the results are surprising.

but we shall abide by them nevertheless.

Here, then, is the winner who will close my part of the program.

And so until next week, good night.

This weekend.

A wide variety of crimes will be committed during an Alfred Hitchcock

Fandemonium Marathon.

But rest assured, next weekend TV Land will serve and protect with a 48 -hour

Crime Stoppers Marathon. TV Land. TV satisfaction guaranteed.