Original subtitles

Good evening.

Welcome to the Alfred Hitchcock Hour.

When one becomes interested in collecting authentic folk music, the

instrument to purchase is an electronic tape recorder.

I recently made a trip among the mountaineers of our country. The trip

rewarding, for it is from people like this that one can hear music that is

uncontaminated by sordid commercialism.

Sounds that speak from the human heart.

At this point, I was still creeping up on my subjects.

There is perhaps no better place to collect folk music than in a jailhouse,

I lost little time reaching this goal.

Actually, the town didn't have a jailhouse.

They use an echo chamber instead.

This evening's Hootenanny deals with some folk in the little village of

Hollywood, California.

Lana Lane was a motion picture star with hardly a care in the world.

Until... But that's what our story's about.

First, however, a number that is truly indigenous to American television.

A commercial.

O Lord, from whom all strength and comfort flows, teach me

to know thy will and not my own.

Forgive my pettiness and pride.

I am vain and willful, I know, thinking too often of myself alone.

Lord, make me ugly.

If it would help me to serve you more.

Cut. Print it.

Oh, Lana, baby, that was great. Was it all right?

Okay, boys, set up a reverse shot in the nuns.

Sister, you never looked lovelier.

Thank you, Hayley. It's a little like kissing my third grade teacher.

Lana, darling, I knew you'd want this lovely lady to come and say hello. Well,

naturally, of course, Dave. How are you, Hayley, dear?

A little out of breath, if you must know, dear.

Hayley, come over here and sit down. Oh, yes.

Lana, it looked wonderful. Oh, gee. Oh, it looked wonderful.

Thank you, Lana. Thank you.

Well,

actually, dear, I've got 20 million readers who can't wait to find out how

feel about being nominated for the Academy Award.

Well, I'm grateful to almost everyone connected with the picture, but most of

all, and you may quote me, most of all, I am indebted to my personal manager,

Harry Lawrence, who insisted in the face of so many studio objections that the

part of Martha in Waverly Street was exactly right for me.

Thank you, darling.

Thank you for everything.

You know what my readers really want to know more than anything else they want

to know when you two plan to be married.

Why, Hala, that doesn't answer my question.

Well, maybe not, Hala, dear. But one thing I can promise you, that you will

the very first to know.

I'd better be.

Well,

the only thing that I might add is that at the moment...

At the moment, I have very little intent... Harry.

What is it?

Harry, please take me to my bungalow. Please, hurry.

What's the matter? What happened? I can't tell you here. Excuse me. Lana,

can't just walk out like this.

I don't know what happened.

Don't apologize, Dave.

I've been snubbed by royalty and acrobats, but never until now by a

an Academy Award.

You're still trembling.

All right, now, what is it?

My imagination, I hope. Larry, stay with me, please.

All right, of course I will.

I... I thought I saw George.

George?

walking out on an interview with Hala French, of all people. All right, Dave,

now knock it off.

Lana's not feeling well.

And I absolutely refuse to have her stand on her head for Hala French or for

anyone else. Just as simple as that, huh?

Yes, sir, just as simple as that.

Well, maybe you two can afford to brush off the press. But as publicity head of

this studio, I can't.

Dave, don't fret.

I'll work on Hala. You will?

Delighted. You'd be astonished how easy it is to smooth out a wrinkled oval leaf

like Hail of France. Yeah, well, Hail of France just happens to be... All right,

wait a minute. Hold it. Did I tell you I'd take care of it? Well, you told me,

but I... Uh,

give me a second. I'll be right with you.

Harry, wait... One second.

Harry! All right.

Now, wait a minute.

I want you to forget all this.

You're under a lot of pressure now.

You're tired. Your nerves are upset.

What you saw was, uh...

Who knows? Some little guy that bore a slight resemblance to George. I'm right,

aren't I? Aren't I?

I guess so, Harry.

You're always right.

Oh, darling.

Well, you take yourself a nice warm shower. I'll be back soon as I can.

Oh, peaches, baby.

I mean, that was no dream you seen walking. That was me.

Your own loving husband.

The last of the Red Hotka Davis.

How about that, huh?

Don't you think you ought to answer it?

Hello?

George, the newspaper said you were shot in that bank robbery in Newark.

Which only proves that you just can't believe them obits.

You know something, Peaches?

Gotta tell you, I really go for this.

George, George, I don't understand.

It's simple, Peaches.

I switched wallets with the guy that got shot so the cops wouldn't go looking

for me.

Only trouble is, you just can't trust them cops.

Some quiz kid detective down at headquarters recognized the cadaver as

O'Toole and not Little Georgie.

Three months later, I'm sitting in a bar, Joey's joint in St. Louis, when the

cops grab me and they make me do five years as their guest, under my real

too. And the crummy newspapers don't even give me second billing to the honey

ads.

That's show business for you.

But you know, this is nice.

Real nice.

Not much like the old days, huh, Peaches?

George, I've got to get dressed.

It's been very nice seeing you again. I mean, take all those county fairs and

one -nighters we used to play.

Me hustling the crowd for a quick buck, remember?

Step right up, folks, and see little peaches do her dance. And then you did

dance real slow and easy and mysterious, like the natives never knew that grown

girls came with a full set of skin.

Ain't you sentimental about old times?

You and Snakebite are among the very few things that fail me in that respect.

The old sense of humor, huh? Well, that's my girl.

You know, I used to lay in my bunk and say to myself, whatever happened to

Peaches? Then six months later, I get out of the pen, and one day I spring two

bucks for a movie, and all of a sudden it's very clear to me that everything's

happened to Peaches.

A new name, for one thing. I see Lana Lane instead of Rosemary Peaches

Oh, that's an improvement I'll grant you.

Also, a new set of curves, which are, uh...

Well, more ladylike, you could say. Or does it just seem that way since you

stopped tossing them around?

You mole, you... Baby, Angel, please.

Is that a nice way to talk to your husband?

And I was just going to tell you how much I like the new hairdo and that two

million dollar smile you got from some dentist.

What's bugging you now?

How much will it cost to get you out of my life?

Peaches Angel, let's not be commercial.

At least until we find out what happens at the Academy Awards.

You might even win it.

Like I say, the whole thing's a laugh a minute.

George, wait!

What are you going to do? Where are you going?

I don't know yet, Peaches. I'll let you know.

George!

As the saying goes, don't call us.

We'll call you.

gave the Oscar performance in that picture, and I predict great things...

darling. Hala, here's someone who wants to say hello.

Oh, darling.

Well, honestly, can you actually believe all this? No, I actually can't.

Oh, dear. Hello.

Will you forgive me if I take our girl away for a little while? Oh, no, don't

worry about me.

We'll be back.

Well, as I was saying... Oh, thank you so much.

As I was saying, it's the kid's picture, and I predict great things. She's

really going to go someplace.

Mark my words.

Hello.

Good evening. It's so nice to see you.

Hello.

Thank you, darling, for rescuing me. My pleasure.

Why don't you give me that before you drop it on my foot? Not on your life.

How are you bearing up?

I could use a drink.

Well, I think we can be arranged.

Tom, very dry martini, could I maybe?

to talk to Halo for five minutes without walking away.

Honey, Dave's absolutely right. We've got to get back to Halo. But give me a

second with her first, will you? I want to kind of smooth things over. Come on,

Dave. Just come in a couple of minutes.

Oh,

hello, Ed. How nice to see you. I'll be right back.

Oh, excuse me, dear. I'm so sorry. Oh, it's nothing. I do hope you're having a

pleasant time. Tell me, do you know Ed Jackson of the Union Press? Sally Tracy?

Don't you dare open that big rat trap mouth of yours, do you hear?

I'll be upstairs, third door on the left.

Now you two have got to get to know each other. Excuse me.

Isn't she cute?

And such a lady.

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing that won't be cured real soon, honey. I'll see you around.

Oh, Mr. Jackson.

There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about.

Don't you think it's a pity the way they type young actresses nowadays?

George, George, in here.

This is nice and chubby, Peaches.

You know, I never figured we could strike it so good.

It'd still be legal.

Well, well.

You, me, and Oscar.

Just the three of us.

Sturdy little fella, ain't he? Sure don't look like me.

You know, I had every confidence you'd win it. That's why I didn't bug you

last few days.

Figured you'd be busy taking bows.

How did you get into this party tonight?

No problem.

It's a press party, so I told them I was from the press. What else did you tell

them?

Why, nothing precious.

At least, not yet.

What is your price, George?

Price, honey?

How can anyone put a price on the situation we've got going here?

Like I said, you, me, and Oscar.

One little family against the world. Stop it. Oh?

I'm not afraid of you anymore, George.

Harry knows all about you, and he knows how to deal with people like you.

You're a personal manager? That's right.

How personal, Peaches?

Harry and I have discussed the whole thing, and we've decided that every

has its price.

Harry's very good at this sort of thing. You can talk over all the cash details

with him.

Tell me more.

The general idea is that you will go to Mexico and get a quiet, uncontested

divorce. Oh, not from Lana Lane, of course, but from that same Rosemary

who married you when she was 17 years old.

Oh, them was the days, eh, Peaches? Oh, you sure were a bouncy little dame. I

must also have had a hole in my head large enough to hold a full cup of

How else could I have married you?

Oh, yes, sir, that's my Peaches. Give me a girl with spirit every time. There's

no sense in our prolonging this discussion, George. I have too many

downstairs.

Please call me tomorrow. Not at the studio, but here.

And I'll tell you when and where you can meet with Harry about the money.

Baby, I'm only trying to be friendly and logical.

It stands to reason when a crippled citizen like me... That's what the

used to call us sometimes.

Crippled citizens.

It stands to reason that I wouldn't want to be shaken down, you or your

boyfriend, in any way that the law could say was... If you'll pardon the

expression, the ugly word is extortion.

Well, that's very nice of you, George.

But I really don't mind helping you out with a little something.

Teachers, baby.

Seriously, now.

Let's be honest with each other.

I mean...

Why would I want to talk with anyone about money?

Well, I thought that... I mean, with you winning the Oscar and the way things

are going right now, I'd say that you and I had just about everything we need.

We?

This is California, baby.

Community property.

Well, naturally, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.

Now, wait a minute.

Am I right?

I'm telling you right now, you won't get away with it. Always talking about

getting away with something. The whole idea is ridiculous.

Here, for instance.

Just to pass the time, sort of, I took the trouble of checking into our real

estate holdings.

Oh, I like what you've done.

With only a few exceptions.

Now, I'm not knocking that warehouse you bought in downtown L .A., but I'm sure

we can get some more mileage out of our money in the valley. Our money? Now, you

listen to me.

Peaches, honey.

I'm trying to point out to you in a friendly way that I'm 100 % for

property. And why wouldn't I be? It's the way they've got it written in the

books.

If anybody ever found out that I had ever been married to you, my career

wouldn't be worth a dime to you or anybody else.

That's the old -fashioned point of view, baby.

The smart thing nowadays is to have come up the hard way.

How? Like a snake up a rope the way you're creeping into my life now?

Peaches, you can take our own case.

I guarantee it's got universal appeal.

You are out of your mind. Do you hear me? Out of your rock -headed skull.

Now, listen.

A pushnook pays his debt to society.

That's me.

Five long years in the cooler he gets.

And don't spare the details, because in the fan magazines, they will love it to

pieces.

Five long years in the cooler.

And when the warden shakes his hand and says goodbye, who's waiting from

outside?

Faithful as a crosstown bus?

You guessed it, baby.

The same little girl he left behind.

Only now she happens to be Hollywood's most glamorous package.

And she's waiting for the same poor schnook with her heart as big as the

National Bank.

I tell you, it's what dreams are made of. The end of the rainbow.

Oh, baby, it's Cinderella even, except that this time Cinderella's wearing

pants. Come here, baby. We got it made.

We got it made.

George.

Is he?

Oh, yes. He couldn't be any dead if you had him kippered and hung.

Harry, what are we going to do?

Well, I don't know exactly, darling.

Actually, you could plead self -defense, I suppose.

The obvious and prudent thing would be to call the police, and yet...

Harry, you promised me that she'd cooperate.

All right, dear. Now, what is it now? This is a party for the press. We

even photographed her with the Oscar yet.

You're right. Hold on one second.

a gorgeous idea, sweetheart. You're going to love this.

Downstairs you'll find a nice location and we'll get a shot of her with both of

these. Huh?

Is that beautiful?

Huh? And I guarantee you she'll be downstairs in less than five minutes.

right?

Okay. There we go. But don't forget, Harry, it's her neck just as much as

Right. I've got a job to do for the studio. Five minutes, sweetheart.

Count of five.

What are we going to do now?

Well, what do you think?

Well, darling, I don't know. All I can do is rely on you.

Darling, we could lose everything.

Yes, it crossed my mind.

Is there any chance he was seen coming in here?

No. No, I don't think so. I mean, all the help and caterers were downstairs at

the time. He was passing himself off as one of the reporters. I'm sure nobody

knew him.

Oh, Harry, what should we do?

I say let's go for the brass ring.

I say let's get rid of George.

Oh, Harry.

But let's save the celebration until we're alone, all right?

I mean, your cedar closet has a combination.

Uh -huh. You're the only one with a combination.

Oh, yes, Harry.

Well, that's good enough for now. We'll play the rest by ear.

I don't understand. You open the cedar closet.

Freshen your lipstick.

Put on a nice big smile, and we'll be out here in about 55 seconds.

But, Harry,

we can't leave the body in there.

Honey, you just be charming to everybody. When we get downstairs, leave

to me.

You make a beautiful widow. I'm not even sure you need the lipstick, but hurry.

angel of patience.

That girl is exhausted, honey.

I can't think of anything in the world that would bring her down those stairs

this time except her loyalty to you. Oh, you're a fraud. A shameless fraud.

You're peaked.

Darling, I want you to wait right here. I have a very important announcement to

make. Announcement? Am I in charge of public relations here? Did they ask me

over to count the sandwiches? Oh, don't be sensitive, Dave. I never am. Oh,

Haley, darling, you're not leaving.

No. Oh.

to make. Will you all gather around? Just come right in here.

Love that man. I just love that man. Well, you're a little late, Hayler,

It happens that I do, too.

Uh, my friends?

I, uh, don't think there's anyone here that I don't know well enough to call a

friend.

I have something to say to you which I'm just vain enough to think to hope will

be of interest to all of you.

For heaven's sake, are you going to marry that glorious man?

But as I promised you once before, Haley, if and when he decides to ask me,

you'll be the very first to know.

Before I launch into this announcement, I think I'm entitled to a certain amount

of moral support, which only one of you can supply at the moment, darling.

What is it, Harry?

It's certainly not any news that Lana and I have been in love for a long time.

What? may -be news is that we've finally decided to do something about it.

They couldn't. They wouldn't.

I think this press party is an ideal time to make the announcement that Lana

I are about to be married.

They can't do this to me. She just said I'd be

the first to know.

All right, fellas.

Hold it down just for a minute, please, because I want to explain that this

brilliant idea came to me without warning.

in a blinding flash of inspiration.

Consequently, I have forgotten one tiny detail.

I haven't asked the bride to be.

Darling?

Oh, Harry!

My impression is the girl says yes.

Moreover, since she doesn't say no, I can guarantee you we'll be out of here

within the hour on our way to Tijuana and the first marriage counselor we can

roust out of bed.

Where are you going?

You'll have to forgive me, but I think that's one thing that the bride and

should keep to themselves.

All I can say is if we'd known about this beforehand, there would have been

champagne. Meanwhile, the bar remains open.

Darling, I have no idea.

Honey, the honeymoon is a touch of custom.

After all, could it be a better reason if you're going on a long trip and

with you a large truck?

Me and Ed here, we'd like to wish you and the future Mrs. Lawrence all the

and happiness.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much. That's the nicest thing I've heard all

night.

Thank you again. See you later, fellas.

Open a seat of closet, honey.

Oh, Harry, I'm so scared.

I'm almost as frightened as I am thrilled.

Well, why wouldn't you be?

How often does a girl knock off one husband and haul him along on a

with a fellow next in line?

Oh, Harry, we mustn't be ghoulish.

I don't want to look inside.

You don't have to.

I just want to gather up the rest of your trousseau.

Is he all right?

I'm sure he'll never look better.

pad this out with something.

I don't want him rattling around when he goes downstairs.

I thought of that.

Oh, you did, did you?

How many husbands have you disposed of, dear?

Well, only one so far.

That wasn't especially funny.

Darling, let's go over this one more time.

Now, assuming that we're out of here in the next hour, we'll be in Tijuana a

little after midnight. Sit down.

Getting married down there, as you know, is a very...

Trying ordeal may take us all to 20 minutes.

Harry, you make it sound so romantic.

It's a talent I have.

Thank you.

I can do better.

I've told Dave he can bring all the reporters he wants to Tijuana. That's

business. But where we go on our honeymoon is entirely up to us.

But they might follow us.

Let them try. If they want to, I doubt very much they will. I've been busy

creating the impression we're going someplace deep into Mexico.

All right, now, just to get our own stories straight, from Tijuana we have

east. Catch the main road south.

Then we'll double back.

At a point roughly here.

And cross back into the States at Mexicali. And from there, can't be more

another hour to my shack.

Tony.

Bury George before daybreak.

That's our slogan, darling.

Yes, Harry.

There's one more thing.

Yes, Harry.

I haven't got the key.

Well,

I hope you both realize that Hala French is now your devoted enemy.

And worse than that, she's also turned on me.

Gee, I'm sorry, Dave.

She gave me a preview of Monday's column.

Believe me, it is not going to assist you in any plans you may have for the

future. Well, Dave, what would you like me to do? Take her on a separate

honeymoon when I get back from this one?

Harry! Honey!

I'm only kidding. Look, Hala's not a bad egg.

I think she'd come around if you just, you know, gave her a nice little scoop.

Maybe an exclusive on your first day of marriage.

What you ate for breakfast.

The kind of family you hope to have. Your hopes, your dreams.

It's not a hogwash, Dave. And it could save our skins in 300 newspapers.

Harry, look, the least you could do is let Hala know where you're going.

I told you, Mexico.

Deep in Mexico.

Guaymas.

Chihuahua, Guadalajara, you name it, I'll try to pronounce it, but I

you won't be able to find us.

You're sure of that? Not with a Geiger counter or with Hala's twitching nose.

David, tell you what I will do.

I promise that I will phone Hala an exclusive report on our honeymoon the

the first week.

I guarantee it.

You can tell her she's the only old crow in the world that we're allowing to

peep into our nest.

I'm speaking figuratively, of course.

Could help.

As a matter of fact, it might even take me off the hook. You can even tell her

if she wants to. She can still be made of honor. Two of you can ride down with

us and hitch a ride back. Now, will you get out of here? Yeah. Okay, Harry. So

long. Mr. Lawrence, we thought maybe it was time to help you down to your car

with the trunk.

Not just yet, Al. We'll be ready in a few minutes.

Okay. That'll be fine.

Oh, and another thing, Ed, here and me, we want to give this to Miss Lane.

Oh, how sweet of you.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Go ahead.

That's for both of you.

All right, Al. Thanks very much. We'll call for you in a few minutes.

Oh, I almost forgot to give you the key to the trunk.

Thank you.

All right. A couple of minutes now.

We're going to have to pack this thing a little more tightly, honey.

Honey?

There are nice people in this world, Harry.

I mean simple, unaffected people that aren't forever trying to grasp something

for themselves.

I guess somehow I'd forgotten that.

Darling.

Why did you do that?

You like the least we can do?

Hear me out!

First week, darling, a blow -by -blow from the Brighton Grove.

Harry, if you don't phone that story to Hala, it's my neck.

What's the matter, Pally? Don't you trust me?

what you said I'd see.

Nothing.

We're the only car in the road.

Tired?

I'm so tired and happy I could die.

Darling, can't you find a happier expression?

Oh, darling, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it that way.

No, I mean... Oh, it's been such a long and terrible...

Do you know something, Harry?

What?

I owe you my life.

I owe you everything.

All right, I'll send you a bill.

Why don't you relax a little?

Harry, what happened?

Nothing, honey. I just turned the car around. We're heading back to Mexicali.

Oh, so soon?

Well, you've been asleep. We were running south off for almost an hour.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

So far, I've seen an abandoned truck and three cows.

Harry.

Do you think it's safe to go back to California now?

Mm -hmm.

Have to be.

We want to get to the lodge and unload George before daylight.

When we go back into California, that's at Calexico, isn't it? Yeah.

First Mexicali and then Calexico.

Why?

Well, I just hope the customs inspections are just as simple as you

will be. Oh, honey, listen.

I've never been challenged in over a 50 crossing.

They will ask us where we were born, and we will reply with great courtesy in

the United States.

Then they may ask you if you have anything on which duty should be paid,

will say no, not unless there's a tax on dead husband.

Harry, please.

Well, honey, I'm just trying to demonstrate to you how silly it is to

about it.

Those customs inspectors are going to recognize you, and they're not going to

say, Miss Lane, may we peep into your trousseau.

I'm sorry, Harry. It's just that I... I know.

You cheer up.

We'll soon be rid of George.

Goodness, that's over. I told you we wouldn't have any trouble at the border.

That guy was so busy gawking at you, we could have had to backload it with

machine guns and tropical spiders.

Well, how much longer is it now?

Oh, another hour or so.

We stay on 98 and 80 almost all the way, then we turn off at the lake.

Would you want me to get the map out of your coat?

No, I don't need it.

Flight two, will you, hon?

Thank you again.

My pleasure.

There's a car coming up behind us rather fast.

There's no need to get someone excited.

Could it be Dave and those reporters?

No, I don't think so. Not this time.

Gary, they must have found out.

What can we do?

Hold on to yourself.

That's what you can do.

It would be charming if it kills you.

Your license?

Yes, sir.

Eighty -five miles an hour is too fast on this road to add any time.

And with the curves ahead, it's a nice chance that you'll break your neck.

I realize it's much too fast, officer. I'm sorry.

The truth is we've only been married for a few hours. We've chosen this route

back to Los Angeles to fool reporters.

I'm Lana Lane, officer.

I know.

We got the message in on the border patrol.

We're sort of allergic to dead bodies around here.

Excuse me?

I mean, if you want to wrap yourselves around a tree, do it back in L .A. or

Beverly Hills.

We don't want that kind of publicity.

Oh.

Here's your license.

Good night.

Good night.

You're the most insulting, impudent police officers I've ever known.

Well, we made it, Angel.

Well, let's dispose of Jordan.

If you mean bury him tonight, the answer's no.

I'm just too tired.

Tonight he goes in the cellar. He's there keeping.

About tomorrow evening, old George is going to be buried deeper than the

of a dinosaur.

Oh, Harry, I can't bear to look.

All right.

Okay, you don't have to.

Take your bag. Go on up to the house.

Out of the potted plant, by the door.

Oh, okay.

they deserved.

I don't approve of taking the first husband along on the honeymoon.

Next on our program is a one -minute solo by the sponsor, followed by some

scenes from next week's play.

All the best episodes. All day. All night. All weekend. It's a pandemonium

marathon on TV Land.

where TV fans go for weekend TV satisfaction.