Original subtitles

Good evening, fellow tourists.

Have you longed to visit Europe but lacked the money? Did you ever think it

possible to travel there aboard a luxurious ocean liner for less than $25

trip? That is precisely what we are prepared to offer you tonight.

Here is a sample of our luxurious cabins.

All this for only $23 .50 to London, England.

Slightly higher if you are discovered.

All this is prompted by the title of tonight's fable, First Class Honeymoon.

follows this commercial, which is in a class by itself.

Hmm.

Well, good morning, Mrs. Phelan.

I'm sorry I left so many dirty dishes for you. Oh, that's all right, Mr.

Coffee's ready.

Would you like some? Oh, I'd love some.

How was the ball game last night?

I never saw such sloppy field in all my life.

Why, that first baseman mucked three double plays and two innings.

And as for the pitching, that ex -wife of yours could throw a plate faster than

this guy could throw a baseball.

Oh, I know what you mean. I always said Gloria had a good knuckleball.

You don't feel too badly about that divorce, do you? Feel badly? Listen,

never been so happy in my life.

I'm very happy I got you in the settlement, too, Mrs. Phelan.

Well, now, I wasn't going to let them trade me off to that woman, Mr. Gibson.

Not even for a season pass, I wouldn't. Well, listen, it was a fair exchange.

I got you, she got the cocker spaniel. They deserve each other.

They never did like those little itty -bitty dogs.

Them's the kind that goes running out in the field and holding up the game.

Now, is there anything else I could get for you? No, no, just the bottle of

beer.

Of course I will.

Ah, this is the life, Mrs. Phelan.

Single blessedness to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

I know just how you feel, Mr. Gibson.

When poor Mr. Phelan was alive, rest his soul, I hardly ever got to go to the

ballpark.

But now I go all the time.

So you see, Mr. Gibson,

Everything always works out for the best.

when you drink.

Mr.

Gibson? Yes.

I'm Abner Monroe from the True Art Galleries.

The what? The true art galleries, Mr. Gibson.

May I come in?

Oh, well, thank you, but I don't think I want to buy a painting today.

I'm afraid you don't understand. I'm not a salesman. I'm an artist's

representative.

Oh?

I think you're going to be very pleased with this, Mr. Gibson. Very pleased.

After all, Raphael O 'Connor has himself said that this is his finest work.

You know how difficult it is to please Raphael.

Who is Raphael O 'Connor?

You're joking, of course.

Look, shall we unveil the work now?

Would you prefer to wait until your wife is present?

My wife? Yes, it's Mrs. Gibson's home.

Oh, now I know you're making a mistake. It's no matter. You see, my wife and

I... You should have the honor of being the first to see the painting. After

all, you're paying for it.

I am?

Oh, well, now I know you're making a mistake.

You see, I didn't order any painting.

Surely Mrs. Gibson told you about the commission she gave to Mr. O 'Connor?

No, she didn't. And even if she had, it wouldn't make any difference.

My wife and I are divorced.

Divorced? Yes.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, but... Well, I'm not. Why should you be?

But the painting, I mean... Mr. Gibson gave us the commission and told us to

charge it to your account. That was way back in April.

Well, you just take it right straight back.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gibson, I can't do that. I mean, it's your painting.

I don't want the painting.

I don't even know who Raphael O 'Connor is.

Sir, Raphael O 'Connor is one of America's foremost portrait painters.

Portrait.

It's Gloria.

Isn't the lightest remarkable?

You know, it's as if she were right here with us.

Oh, it sure is.

I knew you'd be pleased, Mr. Gibson.

Well, now, if you'll just kindly write me out a check.

Get that thing out of here.

I beg your pardon? Get that thing out of here. Gibson, I'm terribly sorry about

your unfortunate difficulties with your wife, but she did commission a portrait,

and her contract is a contract.

How much is the contract?

It's $2 ,500.

Oh. It wasn't an easy assignment, you know.

Mrs. Gibson could only sit for a few minutes at a time, owing to her ill

You know, I think Raphael's absolutely captured the spirit of Mrs. Gibson.

Don't you think so?

Well, I must really be getting back to my gallery, so if you'll kindly write me

out a check.

Mr. Monroe, all I have done for one month is write checks for Gloria. I'm

but... How much alimony I pay that... woman?

$2 ,000 a month.

$2 ,000.

And if you think for one minute that I am going to pay you $2 ,500 for this

lousy portrait, you're crazy.

But the contract...

Now get this cartoon out of here. I don't ever want to see it again.

When I say get it out of here, I mean get it out of here right now.

Gibson, I don't want to bring a legal action against you, but I will if you

force me to.

If you don't want to make any payment now, you can send your chick to a true

gallery.

Here's my card. Get out!

You just couldn't leave me

alone, could you?

You weren't satisfied, were you?

$2 ,000 a month.

That's not enough, huh?

You won't be satisfied until you get every nickel, huh?

Oh, you're adorable.

Why don't you say something?

You realize this is the first time since I've known you that you have nothing to

say?

You used to have plenty to say.

your famous fainting spells, huh?

Oh, sick in bed half the time. You couldn't get up, but you could get

your portrait painted, sure. Send me the bill. $2 ,500, huh?

I could give you one of the great shots of our time.

morning, Edward.

Good morning.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to see how my old buddy's surviving.

It's a little early for you, isn't it?

I thought you never got up till noon.

Well, maybe I've changed, old buddy. Well, that'll be the day.

You still like leading the bachelor life? Oh, crazy about it.

I never realized how great it was until after the divorce.

Huh? No regrets?

Regrets? Are you kidding when I wake up in the morning and realize I don't have

to look at Gloria's face? Oh.

Excuse me, maybe I shouldn't say that to you.

You can say whatever you want, buddy. It can't hurt my feelings.

Yeah, well, I can see that.

Are you still seeing Gloria?

Practically every night.

We hit it off pretty well together.

She's not so bad when you get to know her.

Yeah, well, I got to know her.

Every curler in her hair, every whine in her voice, every phony little ailment.

I got to know her, all right. I'm doing my best to forget.

Paying a pretty high price for it, I believe.

2 ,000 bucks a month.

That's a lot of scratch.

That isn't all.

Wait till you see this.

Is that a beauty?

She had it commissioned before the divorce.

Send me the bill.

2 ,500 dollars.

Hey, Carl.

I've got an idea.

You like Gloria so much?

Why don't you buy the portrait? I'll make you a good price.

I'd like to help you out, buddy, but you know me. I'm always broke.

No.

Huh?

I maybe broke my thumb pretty soon. These alimony payments are draining me

That's a shame.

Oh, yeah, I know. Your heart's broken.

Of course, there is a way out.

Oh, sure. I could always jump off a bridge.

No, Gloria got married. She wouldn't be entitled to any more alimony, would she?

That was part of the deal, wasn't it?

Gloria? Marry?

Oh, no.

Only the world's prize fool would marry Gloria.

I don't know. I was it for two years.

There's no hope there.

Maybe there is.

Sure.

Maybe I know someone who'd be willing to marry Gloria.

For a price.

Like me, for instance?

Are you serious?

You mean you would actually marry her?

Don't rush me. I just said maybe.

Carl, I don't understand you.

You know what a monster Gloria is, but you've been dating her ever since the

divorce. You even gave up that beautiful brunette. What's her name? Marion.

Well, Marion's okay.

She's a real nice dish. But you know how it is, Edward.

Appearances and everything.

I mean, Gloria may not be the best -looking gal in the world. How can you

that? But...

There are other factors.

She can be very pleasant at times.

And very generous.

Yeah, well, I'm sure of that.

On my money.

It's a pretty watch you have, Carl.

Oh, yeah, you like it? It's brand new.

Did you have it inscribed for you?

Look, Edward.

I came up here to help you.

I figured out a way to save you a lot of money.

The least you can do is listen.

All right, I'm listening.

All right, I'll admit that glory is no prize package.

But there are times when a guy gets himself into a real jam.

Are you in trouble again? I've been running into a little hard luck lately,

Edward. Some very nasty types are breathing down my neck.

Gambling types.

You're still at it.

I've got an urgent need for a quick bundle, Edward.

I've got some debts that just have to be taken care of.

Why don't you ask Gloria for the money? Maybe she'll give you some of mine.

Gloria's generous, all right. I mean, she's good for a bar bill or half a

new shirts or a fancy watch, but she doesn't have the kind of spending money

need. That's why I came to you, Edward.

Are you making me a proposition?

Well, let's say it's more of a proposal of marriage.

I'm willing to make one to Gloria.

If you're willing to pay me for it.

In cash.

And right away.

Oh, now, you're not serious.

You wouldn't actually marry her.

You'd be surprised what I'd do.

Colin, you'd better think what you're saying.

She may be generous now, but when the alimony stops, she won't have a penny.

She has a money of her own. You'll have to take her just as she is.

I know that.

Oh, no, I don't think you do.

She may not be so bad with a few dollars in her pocket, but you ought to see her

medical bills.

She spends $500 a year on pills alone.

Edward, are you trying to talk me out of it?

No.

No, no.

No.

No, if you're willing to stick your neck out.

How much money do you need?

I need ten grand.

If I don't have ten thousand bucks by this afternoon, I'm liable to lose my

looks. But it's got to be in cash.

Do you have that kind of money, Edward? In cash? Yeah, I got five thousand

dollars in there.

Say, if I could get the rest of the bank tomorrow.

Well, that'd be great.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Suppose you propose to her.

How do you know she'll accept?

Are you kidding?

No.

brag, but I got away with women, especially Gloria.

If I stamped my finger, she'd jump.

How do I know you'll go through with it? I mean, I could give you the money

today. You could back out tomorrow.

I'll do anything you say.

I'll put it in writing if you want.

I'll go over to her apartment and propose to her right now.

Anything you want, I'll do, Edward.

I'll tell you what.

Suppose I call her from here, right this minute.

You would?

I would.

Hello, Gloria, baby.

Well, you know how it is, honey. I had a choice of either dreaming about you or

talking to you in person, so I decided to get up.

It was a lot of fun last night, wasn't it?

I didn't mean that.

How about dinner tonight?

Sure, seven's fine.

Oh, and listen, honey, do me a favor, will you?

You know that blue and white thing I like so much?

Wear it, huh?

Listen, baby, you don't like the idea of a long engagement, do you?

What would you say if I came up with a plan to eliminate it altogether?

I'll see you tonight, baby. I can hardly wait.

I love you, Gloria.

I'll see you tonight.

You really meant it, didn't you?

You'd actually marry that... Like I said, I'll put it in writing if you

just as long as I get the money.

Can I have it now?

Yes, you can.

$5 ,000 now, $5 ,000 tomorrow.

And you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give you an extra $500 for a first -class honeymoon.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Edward.

Thank you.

Oh, you're so welcome.

Brings a tear to my eye. I can see the theme.

The city hall.

Your handsome bridegroom.

You in your bridal cloak.

Oh.

You better wear a veil.

Tell me the apartment number of Mrs. Gloria Gibson, please.

Mrs. Gibson? Yes.

Oh, maybe she's using her maiden name, Gloria Bailey.

We have a Gloria Gibson apartment, 11D. 11D, thank you very much. Pardon me,

sir. What's the matter, Joe?

Might I ask who you are, sir?

What is? I'm her ex -husband, Edward Gibson.

Then nobody's told you about it.

Told me about what?

It was a terrible, sad business, sir. They did everything they could to help

poor lady, the policeman, the fireman, the oxygen, but it was of no use. What

are you trying to say?

Mr. Seabrook was in the apartment at the time, sir. Do you know him?

Carl Seabrook? I believe that's his name, sir. He's the one that told me to

the ambulance about midnight last night, but they couldn't save her. It was her

heart. You mean she's dead?

Gloria is dead.

I'm sorry to be the one to break the bed. Where's the telephone?

She was very late. Where is the telephone?

Right there, sir.

Mr. Seabrook's residence.

Where is he?

This is Edward Gibson. I want to speak to Carl.

Mr. Gibson. Mr.

Seabrook... I'm sorry, Mr. Gibson, but Mr. Seabrook has gone to the airport.

The airport?

Well, he's saying about... Well, where's he going?

He just said he was... going on a honeymoon.

Goodbye, Mr. Seabrook, Mrs. Seabrook. Have a nice trip.

We will.

Come on, Marion.

Those of you who were disappointed because you expected First Class

be a love story...

will be glad to hear that subsequent events were more to your liking.

While in St. Thomas, Mr.

Seabrook met a beautiful girl, fell madly in love with her, and she swindled

out of all his money.

And speaking of money, I shall be back in a moment.

That concludes tonight's entertainment.

We shall be back next week with more.

I think I got aboard just in time.

Good night.

Thank you.

Thank you.