Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Since you are accustomed to hearing my brother Alfred at this time, I shall

allow him to make his usual announcement.

You may carry on, Alfred.

Thank you, kind sir.

I agreed to take part in this absurd charade only because I was assured it

get us a booking on a certain Sunday night variety show.

However, I'm not sure it's worth it, since watching us is rather...

Here it is.

Well, Arthur, what do you know? I know I can't afford to be seen with a known

crook.

Boxing commissioner is very sensitive in this state.

We could talk in the dressing room.

Talk about what?

How you could turn $50 into a couple of grand just for the price of a phone

call.

We only got a few minutes left till post time at Valencia Park.

Get lost.

The horse's name is Sweet Sloop.

If you don't know a bookmaker in this town, you can call New York for $1 .20.

Like I said, the horse's name is Sweet Sloop.

Wake up, you blubbery slob.

Too late to call your bookmaker now.

Hey, the soldier, how is he these days? Oh, he's alive and breathing.

But you can say the same thing for an acre of beets.

You're so kind about it, Arthur.

When's he going to fight again?

He fights Buster Bigelow Tuesday night in a local arena.

How do you think he'll make out?

He'll make out like General Custer.

Would you want to kiss the dead whale, are you a friend of yours? No, not

personally. He doesn't know me.

But gosh, I must have seen him fight old ten or twelve times in the old days.

Boy, he was a great one when he had it.

Sure, so they were all. They were all great when they had it.

In the first race at Valencia Park, off and running at 1 .16 Eastern Standard

Time, the winner by seven and a half lengths, sweet salute.

Target bright was second and molest me not was third.

Why didn't you say the race was rigged?

It wasn't rigged, Arthur. It's just the winner. He got special attention.

You mean the horse got a treatment?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a nice word.

Treatment.

Ah, now, maybe you could have gotten away with it 20 years ago, but not

Not the way they go over those horses before and after every race.

In the first race of Valencia Park, the official time for the six -furlong

sprint was one minute and ten seconds flat. A new track record. Sweet Salute

paid $88 .40 to win, 52 to place, and $28 to show.

Target Bright paid... How about that?

A new track record. A pig like that.

In 20 minutes, they'll be giving a saliva test to everybody in the state,

including the governor.

That won't make any difference, Arthur.

Nothing's going to show up in the laboratory test.

This was my masterpiece.

You gave the horse the treatment?

Oh, no, no. The formula's mine.

But you know yourself, there's not a racetrack in the country that'll even

me look through the fence.

I gave a hundred units of the stuff.

That's enough for one treatment to a groom I know.

Today was more like our test flight.

Well, what about this groom?

What about him?

I gave him my last hundred bucks and a clean syringe.

I had to know how this stuff would work under actual racing conditions. You

trusted the guy.

Well, Arthur, sometimes it can't be avoided.

And anyhow, the way I had it figured, I couldn't possibly get caught.

Come on, come on.

Now listen, Arthur.

This formula is absolutely harmless when administered to any form of mammal.

It works for 90 minutes. It doesn't show in the bloodstream or the nervous

system.

Arthur, what I'm trying to tell you is even if they do hold an investigation at

Valencia Park, why, it'd be like frisking a mausoleum picnic for booze.

We could do business together.

Could we?

Why? Because you're as hungry as I am.

And a contact man that knows the answers is an absolute necessity to me.

Horses ain't my specialty.

And besides, I don't like jail.

The only livestock I know anything about.

No, Arthur, no. Why not? He's a mammal, ain't he?

Yeah, but that don't make him a horse.

You've just tried picking up his feed bill sometime.

Now, you wait a minute. Now, just a minute. Did you or didn't you say the

was harmless?

Well, as far as I know. All right, then. Think ahead.

Think ahead to next Tuesday night at 10 o 'clock.

Could this fat sheep turn into a roaring tiger?

Say he's half the fighter he used to be. Well, he'll knock Buster Bigelow, boom,

right into the mezzanine seats.

Or could we pick up a beautiful dollar?

Got stuff with you?

I could, have I?

Something you said a minute ago about a test flight.

Why couldn't we have a test flight right here in the gym?

I don't know.

He's going to work out with a sparring partner in about 10 or 15 minutes.

I'd have to think about it. Why? Because you hate money?

Oh, come on, Arthur, lay off. It's a matter of dignity, let's say.

The invasion of privacy is what I mean.

And the fact that he ain't a horse. What's with all this high -class

intellectual talk? Who are you supposed to be, Atlas Stevenson?

Uh, 220.

Mm -hmm.

The way I got it figured out, 100 units is just right for a horse in top racing

condition.

The average colt weighs about 1 ,100 pounds.

You say he weighs 220?

Oh, give or take a chocolate decant, Sunday.

Mm -hmm.

So, comes out to about a fifth of the quantity.

Mm -hmm. I'd say 20 units.

Any more would be taking a chance. Look, how do you give it to him?

Injection. In the arm, just like vitamins.

Oh, that's great. Get it ready. He don't mind a needle.

No, we give vitamins to these meatballs all the time. All right, soldier. Wake

up. Come on.

Wake up. Wake up. Whoa.

He sleeps like a bear, a season at a time.

Funny. I must have dozed off, huh? Very funny.

You know, he can sleep in a hammock full of cats.

Soldier, this is Doc Murphy from Terre Haute. He just happened to be passing

Oh, nice to see you, Doc.

Hello, soldier.

The Doc's a fan of yours.

Oh, that's nice.

I appreciate you dropping by, Doc.

You know, the Doc's got some new vitamins. They ain't even on the market

Oh, that's real nice, a professional man taking an interest.

Reminds me of a time in Cleveland. I'm fighting Ezra Charles. Never mind about

Ezra Charles.

I couldn't have lost to a nicer fella. Oh, you shut up.

What I was going to say, Doc... Oh, will you just don't talk us to death.

The Doc ain't got all day.

You can't buy these vitamins in the five and dime, you know.

Okay, Doc.

Give the Doc your arm.

Never felt it, Doc.

I never felt a thing.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Save it for the workout.

Sure. Hold it.

Save it for the workout.

Sure.

It's just that I feel kind of good.

Now listen, soldier.

Yesterday, this orangutan slapped you around like a pound of salami.

But today, it's going to be different.

Today, you're in charge.

Now get in there and take him apart.

All right.

Let's go to work.

Sorry, tipsy boy.

You know what I mean?

I don't know what got into me.

Yeah? It's me.

They're all gone.

Anybody see you come up? Nobody that'd recognize me.

Where's the soldier?

He's asleep.

What else?

And he always?

You suppose he suspects anything?

How could he suspect anything when he ain't got brains enough to have a

headache? How much we making cold cash, Arthur?

It's all right there in black and white.

$3 ,500 from the TV.

$2 ,800 plus some loose change from the gate.

I bet it all.

Set the loose change at five to one.

So, who needs horses?

From now on, it's you and me all the way, Bootsy.

When's he fight again?

He fights Luther Felix in Chicago two weeks from tonight.

Same TV producer, only double the money.

Plus 30 % of the gate.

How about that?

Two weeks?

He's gonna need more time than that if he's gonna fight anybody as tough as

Felix. Time for what?

For what?

That's to heal. I don't care how sensational he was in there against

You know, he got sliced up pretty good.

So what? He patches easy like Grandma's quilt.

Oh, come on, Arthur. You can't do that to the soldier.

Why not? Since when did that meatball ever look like Robert Taylor?

All right, you guys. Beat it.

I want to talk to the soldier alone.

This is a romance, Arthur? Get out of here!

I don't see Doc Murphy around no more, Arthur.

He sure was a nice fellow.

I'll remember to tell him that.

You're a great fighter.

Yes, you are. All right, let's go. All right.

Jab, jab, hook. Atta boy.

Jab, jab, hook. That's it. Oh, you're a great fighter. You're the greatest

fighter that ever lived. You're a tiger. You got seven sets of teeth.

Atta boy.

Back on the big time.

New York City, a layout like this, it's the only place I feel at home, know what

I mean?

You know, you wouldn't have to sneak in and out of here like a dishonest milkman

if you trusted me.

Mm -hmm. What kind of a partner are you that has to look at the books at 4 o

'clock in the morning?

This kind.

It's the only time I can check up on you.

That's very funny.

Now, about the fight.

What about it?

Well, there's this about it.

He's not going to be in there with just some humpty -dumpty this time.

He's going to be in there with the champion of the world.

Yeah, I know, Arthur. I'm listening. Well, the point I'm trying to make is

soldier's a national sensation.

Now, we've got to protect the goose that lays the golden egg.

I notice how you've been protecting him. Every time he climbs out of the ring,

he looks like he just fought a freight train with his face.

It took him seven rounds to take care of Sonny Fialco.

Nine rounds for that Irishman in San Francisco.

I got an idea. Maybe he's building up a tolerance for the stuff.

What about it?

There's this about it.

Instead of giving him 20 illness this time, suppose we make it 30.

Now, wait a minute, Arthur. You know that... This championship's worth a

dollars. A million for you and a million for me.

I don't like it. You don't like what?

Oh. I don't like getting this last bit of mileage out of an old retread like

soldier. Sure, he wins all right.

But have you noticed lately that every time he climbs out of the ring, his

is lopsided and he's got that same glassy look in his eyes?

Oh, tell me more.

Well, I say give the soldier a break. Let him get knocked out on the level

and merciful.

And we'll let the poor clown can retire.

Will you say that again?

Look, Arthur, I've been a crook all my life, same as you.

It's kind of embarrassing to get noble all of a sudden.

Why don't you go take a nice warm bath?

Arthur, I'm trying to tell you we never had it so good.

The soldier doesn't owe us a thing.

Look, there was Buster Bigelow, Luther Felix, the Irishman in San Francisco,

Sonny Fialco.

The soldier came through for us like a four -horse parley. And do you know why?

Because he had 20 units of that stuff pumping around inside of him each time.

Suppose he does win this fight.

Just think of the punches he's going to have to take with that open -door style

of his.

Think of a nice poor slob like the soldier walking around on his heels for

rest of his life. Oh.

Or going blind.

Oh, you're breaking me up.

Now, if you don't want to have a nice warm bath, try some booze.

We've got only the best.

Let's let the soldier off the hook.

Let him get knocked out quick and merciful and then turn him out to

even if he ain't a horse.

Oh, and another thing.

After this, there won't be any more. There won't be any more what?

The formula.

It was never mine.

You're lying.

No. Now, I've spooked a lot of horses in my time, Arthur, but as a chemist, you

turn me loose in a drugstore and I could just about mix a chocolate ice cream

soda.

I got this from Freddy Piltz, king of the spooks.

Kind of a genius.

Poor guy died in Leavenworth last year.

No, Arthur, I'm leveling this time.

After this, they're in anymore.

You're on your own.

Oh, and, uh, Arthur, another thing.

Don't give him any more than 20 units at a time.

Is everything all right, soldier?

Fine, Charlie, just fine.

He's got the nervous system of an oyster.

You got 20 minutes, Arthur.

All right.

Come on, you guys. Beat it.

All right, come on, look alive.

Take off your robe. It's time to warm up.

Sure, Arthur, sure.

Now it's time for your vitamins.

There are 20 ,000 people out there tonight, you know that?

I know.

And you're fighting the champion of the world. Now, get that through your head.

He's a real nice fella.

Well, who cares if he's a real nice fella?

You want me to warm up now? No, no, wait a minute.

Now,

this is for the championship of the world.

A few more vitamins.

Can't do any harm.

right, soldier. Come on. Give me your arm.

Now, stand still.

Okay.

Jab, jab, jab. That a boy.

You take care of that bum tonight.

You'll be the champion of the world. That a boy.

Jab, jab.

That a boy.

That a boy.

Jab, jab, hook.

That it.

That's it. That's a boy.

Jab, hook, hook.

That a boy. That's it. You flatten this bum tonight, you'll be the champion of

the world. All right, come on, jab, jab, jab, hook, hook.

That's it. Knock it off. Okay.

I said knock it off, soldier.

What's the matter with you?

Knock it off, soldier.

Cut it off, will you?

Knock it off.

Knock it off.

He's dead.

That is the end of the story, I think.

Needless to say, Soldier was later apprehended. I don't know how you feel,

for me the story is merely a feeble overture to the greater music provided

our sponsor, after which Alfred and I shall return.

Alfred has been strangely silent.

Alfred, what are you up to?

Nothing.

Until next week.

Good night.

Thank you.