Original subtitles

Good evening and welcome to tonight's pleasure cruise.

Our social director is very resourceful and cooperative.

Our friend is getting a bit nervous. However, he doesn't mind darts. But some

the passengers are interested in skeet shooting, using him as a skeet.

Tonight, our crowded schedule of fun and games includes a drama called The Last

Remains. First, however, a word from our skipper.

Silver Glen Mortuary.

Amos Duff speaking.

Oh, good morning, sir.

I have your bill right here at my desk.

I'll get a check in the mail this morning.

Yes, sir.

Goodbye.

for a change, huh?

Well, Stanley, I'm glad to see you're over your virus.

Oh, yeah, I'm okay now, Mr. Duff.

Stanley. Yes, sir? That shirt.

You like it? I got four of them on sale.

Stanley, do you really think a shirt like that isn't keeping with the dignity

this establishment?

Oh, the stiffs don't mind. Don't ever use that vulgar word.

And I'm not referring to the deceased.

I'm referring to customers.

Oh, them.

Ain't seen many of them around lately.

Oh, you're mistaken.

I had one only yesterday.

While you were recuperating, I picked up the body myself.

The late Mr. Robert Kessler.

He's in the back now.

Well, I mean, I'm glad business is picking up, Mr. Duff.

Well, I'm afraid it isn't picking up in the grand style.

The gentleman who made the arrangements is Mr. Kessler's business partner.

Foley. Marvin Foley.

Seems that Mr. Foley doesn't care very much about his partner's farewell

He's ordered the number five funeral.

Number five?

The economy service.

I mean, we won't get rich on that.

Gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Duff.

Yes, we're living in a changed society, Stanley.

The old values are disappearing.

You know how many Class A funerals I've sold in the past five years?

No, sir.

Not a single one.

And yet, for the splendid services I offer, the price is remarkably low.

That's too bad, Mr. Duff. I mean, no funeral director in this city can offer

more elaborate service.

I mean, not just flowers, Stanley, but... but a gigantic wreath in the

a harp.

You see the significance?

Yeah, sure.

I put my heart and soul into designing the Class A funeral.

And what happens?

I mean, all they want is a plain box with brass handles and a

rush -rush service.

Now, is that any way to treat our loved ones?

That's a shame.

Not a single Class A funeral?

Not a one.

Sometimes I think the only Class A funeral I'll ever sell will be my own.

However, with the way business is now,

I doubt if I could afford it myself.

Well, I guess I better go take a look at the old boy.

What?

I mean Mr. Kessler.

That's better.

You go ahead, Stanley.

Yes, sir.

Silver Glen Mortuary, Amos Duff speaking.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Davis.

Uh, yes.

Yes, I know it's two months overdue. I'll get a check in the mail this week.

You can count on it, yes.

Goodbye.

I just saw Kessler.

What? You know, the new job.

Boy, is he a mess.

Hey, what happened to him, Mr. Duff?

Oh, auto accident, poor fellow.

I'm afraid the damage was rather extensive, but Mr. Foley doesn't wish

repairs. Hey, you know, there's a funny kind of a puncture right over his

ribcage. Puncture?

Well, I didn't notice that.

Yeah, well, it's there, all right.

Well, I think I'll go have another look at it. Hey, you want me to vacuum up

front? Oh,

first throw that rubbish out in the back.

Yes, sir.

You were right, Stanley.

There is a puncture. I got good eyes. Twenty -twenty. Well, so you have.

It's a strange kind of wound. I mean, for an accident.

Well, I suppose some foreign body could have lodged there.

Some mechanical part, perhaps.

But then again, it could be something else.

I've seen similar wounds before, but they were usually caused by a... by a

bullet.

A bullet?

Well, you said the guy was in a crash.

Well, that's what the death certificate stated.

Oh.

Oh, I... Oh, I suppose it's just a puncture of some sort. Nothing to worry

about.

You know, Stanley, you still don't look very well to me.

I don't? Well, you have to be careful with these viruses.

Very easy to have a relapse.

Maybe you should take the day off?

You mean it, Mr. Duff?

Certainly. Go ahead. Gee, thanks.

So long, Mr. Duff.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Here

you

are. The March 9th newspaper you requested. Be sure to return it to my

you're through. Yes, thank you.

Executive killed in crash March 8th. Robert D. Kessler, 51, president of the

Toy Company, was killed last night in an auto owned and driven by his business

partner, Marvin J. Foley.

Both men are of Harrington. Mr. Kessler and his partner were returning from a

hunting trip in Maine.

Hunting trip in Maine?

Mr. Foley has seen the toys, and you may pick them up now.

Yes? I'd like to see Mr. Foley, please.

Appointment? Well, no.

My name is Amos Duff. I'm the proprietor of the Silver Glen Mortuary.

I want to see Mr. Foley about the arrangements for Mr. Kessler.

Oh, I see.

Mr. Foley, there's a Mr. Glen of the Silver Duff Mortuary here. Do you want

see him?

It's Silver Glenn.

I'm Duff.

You may go in, Mr. Glenn.

Well, what is it, Mr. Duff?

I thought we settled everything yesterday.

Oh, yes, so we did.

That's right. I ordered your, what do you call it, your economy class funeral,

and that's what I want.

As I told you, Mr. Kessler had no family, so I see no point in having

any more elaborate.

Oh, yes, I recall that.

I didn't come to talk about the funeral, Mr. Foley.

Oh? Not exactly.

It's just that I, well, I discovered something rather unusual.

Unusual? Sit down, Mr. Duff.

What do you mean, unusual?

Well, you remember that you instructed me not to bother about cosmetic repairs

to poor Mr. Kessler?

So?

Well, nevertheless, I did find a, shall I say, unsightly wound.

Go on.

Perhaps I don't have to be explicit?

Oh, no?

I'd rather think that you do.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

I suppose I just made a mistake.

I'll fill out the customary police report. Just a minute.

Sit down.

Have a cigarette, Mr. Duff.

Well, thank you. You're welcome.

It's not that I want to make any kind of fuss, Mr. Foley, but I've been

embalming bodies for a good number of years now, and I can pretty well spot a

bullet wound when I see one. A bullet wound?

But, Mr. Duff, that's ridiculous.

Mr. Kessler was killed in an automobile accident.

I think I should know.

I was there.

Yes, of course.

But about this puncture.

It does rather resemble a bullet hole.

Of course, I haven't probed for any bullets yet, but I could do that.

It looks like the sort of wound that might be made by, say, a high -speed

with a steel -jacketed bullet.

You know, the kind they use for hunting.

And this bothers you, does it?

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't say that.

Well, to be blunt, Mr. Foley...

It seems a shame that a man of Mr. Kessler's standing should be put to rest

so little fanfare. I mean, it's like an insult to his memory.

Don't you agree?

Oh, I don't know. I've got quite a few reminders of my old partner.

The factory.

Even this office.

It belonged to him, too.

Well, it just doesn't seem right to me.

An economy class funeral for an executive like Mr. Kessler.

And what do you suggest, Mr. Duff?

I would suggest something more fitting. A full -scale funeral with all the

trimmings. Nothing but the best.

In our catalog, we refer to it as the Class A.

Class A, huh?

I see.

Frankly, Mr. Foley, I doubt if there's a better funeral value in town than our

Class A service.

Not just flowers, mind you, but a gigantic wreath in the shape of a lovely

heart. You see the significance?

Yes, I do.

And I think it's very, very clever of you, Mr. Duff.

And not just music, Mr. Foley, but a special recording I had made of angels

thee to thy rest. As for the coffin itself... Mr. Duff, exactly how much

this Class A funeral of yours cost me?

Uh, $1 ,800.

But let me tell you what else... $1 ,800, huh?

$1 ,800.

Would that include cremation?

Cremation?

Cremation. Well, yes, it could, I suppose.

Good. You know, now that I stop to think of it, Mr. Kessler once mentioned

something about wanting to be cremated, and I think we should respect that wish,

don't you?

Oh, by all means.

Now, here.

Here's the check for $600.

I paid you $150 yesterday?

Uh -huh.

That's a total of $750.

The rest of it you'll get just as soon as Mr. Kessler has been cremated. Well,

thank you, Mr. Foley. That's very thoughtful of you.

I certainly hope we can do more business together.

Good morning, Mr. Duff.

Good morning, Stanley.

Well, it's payday today, ain't it, Mr. Duff?

Well, anything wrong?

Well, it's just that you sort of promised me a raise if I stayed with you

months. Well, I'm sorry about that, Stanley, but business hasn't been so

lately. What with the recession and all.

Well, I didn't think that would affect your business.

Well, you'd be surprised.

Besides, I'm having a little trouble with accounts receivable.

Well, what about the Kessler funeral last month?

That was a blockbuster, Mr. Duff. I never saw so many flowers in my whole

Well, that's just what I mean.

Mr. Foley hasn't paid the balance of his bill yet.

I've sent him three notices already, and I haven't heard a word.

Why don't you call him in his office?

Well, you think I haven't tried?

I've called him five times this week, and he's always in conference.

Do you think that he's a deadbeat?

Well, he better not be.

Hello? I want to speak to Mr. Marvin Foley, please.

Never mind who this is. Just put me through to Mr. Foley.

What? All right.

It's famous stuff of the Silver Glen Mortuary, and I...

Now look, you've been giving me that story every time I've called. I want to

speak to Mr. Foley and I want to speak to him right now.

Well, now listen here.

I'll disturb him plenty if he won't talk to me. Now, if you'd like to leave a

message. Wait a minute, what's going on out here? Oh, hello, Mr. Foley. Oh, so

it's you, huh? I just thought I'd drop by and discuss that little business

matter of ours.

Okay, come on inside.

I'm sorry to break in on you like this, Mr. Foley, but it's been so difficult to

reach you.

Well, what do you want to see me about?

Well, you know, your bill.

You know, I'd almost given up hope.

I've sent you three notices for the balance and you haven't answered.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Why, of course you do, Mr. Foley. The bill for Mr. Kessler's funeral.

The Class A arrangement.

Oh, it was really a beautiful affair.

But I was under the impression the bill had already been paid in full.

Well, no, sir. I mean, we discussed it right here in your office.

Oh, yes, I remember the conversation very distinctly. You were very

about getting Mr. Kessler your Class A service, and that's what Mr. Kessler

your Class A service. Well, yes, sir, but about the bill.

The bill has already been paid in full, Mr. Duff. If you don't believe me, I

suggest that you consult the price list in your own catalog.

You don't have a service that costs more than $750, and I have canceled checks

for exactly that amount.

But these circumstances were different.

Different how?

Well, you know, you were going to pay me $1 ,800.

I was going to pay you $1 ,800 for a $750 funeral?

You apparently don't think I'm much of a businessman, Mr. Duff.

Well, now look, if you think you can get away with this... Get away with what?

Well, you know darn well what. With murder.

Well, what do you intend to do about it? Call the police?

Well, you think I won't?

And what will you show the police, Mr. Duff?

The bullet hole in Mr. Kessler's body?

Oh, you're not going to be foolish enough to make a ridiculous statement

that to the police.

After all, there's a death certificate that proves that Mr. Kessler was killed

in an automobile accident.

And you have no proof to the contrary.

You ought to know that, Mr. Duff.

You buried the evidence yourself.

Now, look.

Why don't you be a nice fellow and forget the whole thing, huh?

Suppose we make it $1 ,500?

Not another penny.

If I pay you one cent more than you're entitled to, I'll be paying you forever.

So I don't intend to start now.

You're a pretty shrewd businessman, Mr. Duff, and this is just good business.

Don't you agree?

Thank you, Tom.

All right.

Did you just sign that statement, Mr. Duff?

It's just as you dictated it.

You better check it over to be sure.

Okay, Sarge, you can bring him in now.

Lieutenant,

do I... have to be here when Mr.

Foley comes in?

I'm afraid you do, Mr. Duff, but it won't take long.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous dragging me down here like this.

Take it easy, Mr. Foley.

I'm Lieutenant Morgan.

Okay, boys.

So it's you.

I suppose this was your idea, you jerky little crackpot. I said take it easy,

Mr. Foley.

Perhaps you don't realize it, but you're facing a very serious charge. A serious

charge?

Are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding.

But this man is a screwball.

Look, Lieutenant, I don't know what he's been telling you. All I know is that

he's nothing but a liar and a thief.

That's what we're here to find out, Mr. Foley.

Now, if you'll just sit down, we can talk this over calmly.

Okay.

Mr. Foley, this rifle belonged to you.

Well, of course it does. Your men took it out of my apartment.

They had a warrant, sir.

It's a nice -looking weapon.

Thank you.

I, uh, suppose I have a hunting license for it.

Well, it's a hunting rifle. Naturally, I have a hunting license.

Mm -hmm.

Mr. Duff here seems to think that, uh, you had another use of this weapon.

To dispose of your late business partner, Robert Kessler.

What is it, some kind of a joke?

Mr. Kessler was killed in an automobile crash.

I have a death certificate.

We have a photo stat of it. Well, have you read it? Of course I've read it. And

you still believe that Penny Annie little gravedigger here?

Mr. Duff told us a very disturbing story, Mr. Foley.

It raises a possibility that the coroner might have missed something during his

examination.

What possibility?

That you shot and killed your partner before your car went over the aqueduct.

trusting that the body would be so damaged the bullet hole would go

Lieutenant, this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. It's just not

But I'm afraid it is, Mr. Foley.

We got evidence of the contrary.

That's why we brought you down here.

What do you mean, evidence?

What evidence could you have?

Well, you see, Mr. Foley, you requested that Mr. Kessler's body be cremated.

And in such cases, we like to supply a little memento of the loved one to the

closest kin or friend. It's all part of the Class A service.

You see, the bullet was steel jacketed, so it didn't really melt.

When they found the bullet among the ashes, they included it.

Among the remains.

That's why I had to come to the police.

Too bad Mr. Foley didn't consider burial at sea.

It's simple and inexpensive.

Besides, the trip back can be much more enjoyable for the bereaved. All that's

the air, you know.

And now that I mention it, I see a quantity of hot air coming our way.

I shall re -emerge after it has passed by.

I am pacifying our social director by playing a game of his choosing.

I'm to pin the tail on the donkey.

Fortunately, you do not have to suffer through this childish nonsense.

You may be excused until next week at the same time. So until then, good