Original subtitles

Good evening.

We decided to utilize assembly line methods in the making of our shows.

Mine is the last operation.

You will notice one of our productions coming along now.

A sprinkle or so of saccharin.

A little pruning.

One.

Two commercials.

Three commercials.

Here's another one.

I can see this is going to keep me quite busy. In the meantime, suppose you look

at one of the finished products.

Good morning. Morning.

Can we be of assistance?

Well, yes, I'd like some information.

Well, of course.

You have lost a loved one.

Well, it's rather difficult to talk about.

Well, of course.

Shall we step into the counseling room?

Thank you.

Please.

Now.

I'd like some information.

Well, about a funeral.

Well, of course.

At a time like this, the bereaved usually has a number of questions.

Now, I think you'll find it easier if we fill out this form.

What form?

Well, the necessary details.

The disposition of the remains, the name of the deceased, and so on.

Could that wait for later? I'm really interested in the arrangements.

Oh, certainly. I understand exactly.

Shall we start with the casket, then?

If it's customary.

Certainly. We always want our clients to know exactly what they're getting.

Shall we step this way?

Now, here's our dignity service.

This model has been most popular with our clients.

This model, not including a floral selection and a gift to the officiate,

cost $2 ,600.

$2 ,600?

Too expensive?

Never mind.

Over here, we have something a little bit cheaper.

Scale to meet the needs of everyone.

The peerless model.

It combines simplicity with good taste.

Actually, what I had in mind was something more colorful.

You mean something more elaborate?

Yes. Oh, in that case, allow me to recommend this.

Our supremacy service.

The casket of finest mahogany, with branched embellishments, and lined with

quilted satin.

Our private chapel banked with flowers.

Music by the finest organist in the city.

A service, if I may say so, fit for a king.

And the cost is only $4 ,780.

Think of it as a mass tribute to your loved one.

I'll take it. You will never regret the supremacy service.

Now, for a few necessary details, what physician

signed the death certificate?

Oh, I'm afraid there isn't any death certificate.

No death certificate? No.

Well, this is most irregular.

What is the name of the deceased?

Well, there isn't any deceased.

Yes.

And then, Leonard, I had to get up and I had to drag myself just as thick as I

am all the way to the front door.

Mr. Thompson?

And it was that man from the cleaners.

Oh, Cicero, honey, now, shh.

Our mom is talking.

Leonard?

No, listen to me. He wanted the bill for the last two months. Now, I gave you

the money for that bill, Leonard. What did you do with it?

Did you spend it at that terrible old curio shop?

Because if you did, Leonard... Now, I've told you, if you waste any more of our

money that way... Oh, Cicero, now, hush now.

Elsie, I haven't been in Mr. Bradshaw's shop for a couple of months.

And to... You must know the truth.

There was a collection made in the office for one of the girls who had an

accident.

Well, of course I gave it to them.

I didn't want them to think that my wife just only gave me lunch money.

Elsie, I didn't mean it that way.

If you would only listen to me, I... Mr. Compton?

Yes, hold it.

Yes. Mr. Andrews is waiting. It's very urgent. Yes, I know. I'll be right

Thank you.

Elsie, I can't talk to you now. I'll call you back. All right, Leonard.

You go.

But don't think that I'm going to forget this.

You have no idea of the value of money. I have to drum it into you.

You're going to have to realize that money doesn't grow on trees.

Mr. Bradshaw?

Hello?

Mr. Bradshaw?

Well, Mr.

Compson. Haven't seen you in quite some time. Well, your door was unlocked.

Well, I was about to close up.

What can we do for you? Well, if you're closing, maybe I'd better come back

another time. Oh, no, I wouldn't hear of it.

As a matter of fact, I've been wanting to get a hold of you, show you some

that I got here.

Oh, good.

Here.

Take a look at this witch doctor's mask.

Come from the Solomon Islands.

Ugly thing, isn't it?

Yeah.

Is that a ceremonial mask?

Yes, it's used in the head -hunting dance before the tribe sets out to lop

noggins off a few of their neighbors.

Would you like to have it, Mr. Coulson? No, thanks.

I've already bought two masks from you.

So you have.

How sweet of her.

Here's a little item that you might enjoy.

It's a blowgun made by African pygmies.

Shoots poison darts.

Poison darts?

That genuine article. Here.

You see that brown goo there on the tip?

That's the poison.

I got this from a French sailor.

I haven't even had a chance to clean it off yet.

Pygmy blows.

A dart hits a monkey up in a tree, down comes a monkey dead in a doornail.

Just a scratch is all it takes.

Really? As quick as that?

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, maybe I could... I couldn't sell it to you until I cleaned

it up.

Can't go around selling people poison darts now, could it?

No, I guess not.

Howsoever, if you want me to, I can lay it away for you.

No, I'm just looking today.

To tell the truth, my wife doesn't like my hobby.

Women, they just don't seem to have the spirit of adventure, do they, Mr.

Thompson? They sure don't. But as long as you're here, let me show you a couple

of beauties I got in from Persia.

Here.

Taste. Hold it.

Feel that balance.

It's just as sharp as a razor.

Why go into a man like cutting hot butter?

Yeah, but once you got it in, how would you get it out?

I think this will help you, Mrs. Compson.

Thank you, Dr. Maxwell. I know it will.

I'd like you to stop in again tomorrow, just to check.

Yes, of course, if you want me to.

Oh, I do, because, doctor...

You don't know how I suffer sometimes.

You know that for 15 years I've been an invalid because of him.

Ever since he took me on that horrible trip to Haiti.

Haiti?

Yes.

Oh, that's where I had my accident.

He insisted that I go with him and I climb some old ruins.

And I got dizzy and I fell.

And I was in a cast for months.

And then... This pain started.

Doctor, do you think if I got some heat treatments it would help?

Well, Mrs. Compson, if you take my advice... Leonard, is that you?

Well, come in.

You're late, Leonard.

I had a few things to attend to. This is Dr. Maxwell.

Doctor, my husband.

How do you do, Mr. Compson? I'm glad to have the chance to meet you.

I was just telling your wife I think she ought to have a little exercise, such

as walking.

Dr. Maxwell has been so encouraging.

Thank you.

Until tomorrow, Doctor.

Right, Mrs. Compson.

I brought you milk.

Another new doctor, Elsie?

You really don't want me to get well, do you, Leonard?

Years ago, Dr.

Barnes said you should have some exercise.

Never mind what Dr.

Barnes said.

You're disappointed because Dr. Maxwell is going to help me.

You'd just rather I would die, wouldn't you, Leonard?

How can you say such a thing?

You think I don't know it?

Ever since you dragged me off to that horrible trip to Haiti, you've been

wanting me dead.

So you could go on your trip to the South Seas or the Orient or any one of

nasty little foreign countries.

Elsie, I'm sorry about the accident.

I know it's my fault. You go to that curio shop and you get out of there and

think you're Leonard Compson, great white hunter, or something equally

Leonard, you're pathetic. You couldn't kill a mouse.

I might surprise you, Elsie.

The only way that you could surprise me is to act like a man.

And you're going to have to.

You're going to have to ask for a raise.

You're going to have to make more money.

You're going to have to hire a real housekeeper because I'm sick of your

and I'm sick of that sloppy cleaning woman who comes here only once a week.

You are going to have to take care of me, Leonard.

The way a husband should take care of a wife that he has made a cripple of.

You know what Dr. Maxwell said to me?

He said that if I take care of myself, I can live another 30 years.

You hear that, Leonard?

Another 30 years.

Mr. Simms.

Mr.

Compton. Mr. Simms, I want you to handle all the details.

Well, fine.

You still want the supremacy service? Yes.

And here, $4 ,780 in cash.

I want $4 ,780 of Simms' service.

Why, quite so, Mr. Compton, quite so.

You will be completely satisfied.

We will outdo ourselves.

I'm counting on that.

Now for a few necessary details.

What is the name of the deceased?

You don't have to worry about that now.

Here's the address. I want you to come by tomorrow evening to collect the

Yes, but this is most irregular.

Shall we say tomorrow evening at eight o 'clock?

Eight o 'clock?

Sharp.

Now, Mr.

Constance, I can't stop.

All right, I've got you. Here you go. There we are.

Thanks, Mr. Constance. You almost took a tumble.

You dropped something.

Oh, thank you.

What is it?

Well, Billy, that's called an amulet.

That's a good luck piece for somebody going on a trip.

You going on a trip?

Yes, I am.

I'd like to go on a trip.

Billy, you are on a trip.

Me? Of course.

You know, every day can be a new adventure.

someplace else to go, someone new to see.

And even if you have to stay here in one place, there are books and pictures

that can take you to the far corners of the earth.

And you know, Billy, it could be a wonderful adventure.

You must be careful not to take a wrong turn or you'll end up in a stagnant

swamp and there's no way out.

You try not to do that.

I don't understand.

Well, I guess I was thinking out loud.

I have to go, Billy. Take care.

Bye, Mr. Compson. Have a nice trip.

Hey, Mr. Compson, if you like to travel, maybe you'd like to come to see the

movie. What movie is that?

At our school. It's about India.

My teacher gave me six tickets to sell. They're only 50 cents each.

Is that all? Well, I think I can afford that.

Let's see now. Thanks, Mr.

Compson. They're the first ones I've sold.

All right. So long.

Hey, Mr. Constance, you forgot your tickets.

Tickets for you, Mrs. Thompson.

Billy Howard, get off my lawn.

But I have some tickets for you. It's a movie at our school.

I'm not interested. Now, you know your children are forbidden to come on my

lawn.

But Mr. Thompson already paid for these tickets. It's a movie about India

tomorrow night.

I said I wasn't interested.

Mr. Thompson knows that I never go out.

I can't. I'm not well enough. Now, go on. Use the walk.

If you're not well enough, how can you go on a trip?

What trip?

What are you talking about?

Mr. Compson told me he was going on a trip.

He did, did he?

And where is this trip to?

He's just as far away from here as he could get.

Where's that?

It's no place at all.

He isn't going anywhere.

Do you have some rat poison?

Yes, sir.

Now, if you have rats, this will take care of them.

Is that painless?

I don't know. I never took any.

Of course.

I'm really looking for something that's painless and quick.

It sounds like you're planning a mercy killing.

Here's what you want.

Now, this is the newest stuff.

They'll never know what hit them. I see.

All right. Before you can buy that, though, you have to sign a register.

What's the reason for that?

Oh, it's nothing serious. Just so we can keep track. Oh.

And is that you? I want to talk to you.

Yes, I'll be right in.

How did you get in? I didn't hear the front door open.

I came in through the kitchen.

Sneaked in, you mean?

Well, where have you been?

I had to work late at the office.

You never had to work late before. Your job isn't that important.

I had to make some final arrangements.

For your wonderful trip?

My trip?

I heard all about it.

Billy Howard told me.

Now, Leonard, you can forget all about that.

There's no money being spent around here on any trip.

Well... It's too late to change my plans.

I've quit my job.

You what?

That's right. It's something I should have done a long time ago. Oh, look at

this.

Here's the insurance policy.

$5 ,000 I've cashed it in.

And I've already spent $4 ,780 of it.

You're lying. Oh, no, I'm not.

Job is gone.

Insurance is gone.

There's $220 left of that money and $20 in our savings account.

There would have been more, of course, but you spent every cent I ever earned

medicine and doctors for that illness you seem to enjoy so much. Something's

happening to you. You're having a nervous breakdown. I am not having a

breakdown.

At last I've realized what I have to do.

Anything would be better than to spend another 30 years of the kind of life

been leading with you.

You've been out of that accident in Haiti 15 years ago. You're strong as a

horse. Stop that. You stop it and you stop being idiotic. You're not going

anyplace because I won't let you.

There's nothing you can do about it.

I don't know where I'm going exactly, but anyplace would be better than this.

You're out of your mind.

There's someone at the door. You better answer it.

Me answer it?

Do you hear what I said? Answer that door. All right, Leonard.

Hurry up. All right.

Good evening, madam.

What is it?

We have come for the body and instructed.

The body?

Yes, madam.

Leonard!

I would like to make it clear that the appearance of a suicide on our program

no way constitutes an endorsement of this as a solution to life's problems.

There are many better means to get out of a difficult situation.

Money, for example.

And now I shall return in a moment.

That is all for tonight.

I wonder if we could leave out commercials now and then.

Big brother never sleeps.

Good night.