Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a new season of Alfred

Hitchcock Presents.

As has been our custom, we shall present homey little stories of an unusual

nature. We shall continue to give the little man, or woman, his

due. When crime is occasionally dealt with, it will be crime as

practice.

I think that by spring, a large number of you will be thinking of

moving.

There is one aspect of this program which has changed.

If you have tuned in to hear me make snide remarks about an innocent sponsor,

you are doomed to disappointment.

I am proud to say I have resolved my antagonisms and have become

completely sponsor -oriented.

I have met our new sponsor and find him to be agreeable,

charming, witty, honest,

sincere, intelligent, dependable,

trustworthy, loyal, brave, clean and

reverent.

Tonight's show is entitled Mrs.

Bixby and the Colonel's Poop.

But first, unfortunately, we have one of those...

But first, fortunately...

We have one of those intelligent, amusing,

dignified, provocative, brilliantly conceived but

painfully short commercials.

Oh, good morning. Come right in. I can wait if he's busy. Oh, no, no.

Excuse me, but I believe I'm next. You certainly are, Mr. Evans.

Now, don't press down.

We'll let that harden for a few minutes.

Your wife's here.

Oh, good.

Well, what have we here?

Your lunch, darling. I had some salmon left over. Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh, and I...

I have some bad news for you. A man says the washing machine just isn't worth

fixing, and then there's this.

There's what?

Don't know his act department. They're after more money.

And that's from three years ago.

All of a sudden, they just up and decide that we owe them more money. All right,

darling, don't get upset.

I know, but you work so hard, and we always seem to be just a little bit

Come on, sweetheart, you're going to miss your train.

Oh, all right.

Bye -bye.

That isn't a new suit, is it?

No, silly. It's an old suit.

It's just fall, that's all. I got out my old fall suit.

Well, it's very becoming. But I wish you hadn't brought these potato chips. Oh,

now, don't be silly. With all the hours that you put in, a little self

-indulgence isn't going to hurt you.

You mean once a month I can have potato chips?

Yes, darling.

Every time I go to visit Aunt Maud, you can have potato chips.

I'll see you tomorrow.

All right. I'll be home in time to get dinner.

Darling, don't you think sometime you can give up these visits?

Oh, now, Fred.

She's the only family that I have, you know that.

She's put me through school. She's been everything.

Now, two days a month, that's not much.

But two days, that's one night.

And that's one night I don't have you.

Oh, now, Fred, if I were home, you'd just go bowling.

Now, stop pouting.

You don't have a mother -in -law, and you don't have a father -in -law.

All you have in the world to worry about is one poor old auntie -in -law.

Oh, this beautiful, beautiful house.

Honestly, you'll just never know the feeling it gives me just to be in a room

this size.

What do you have, the same?

Oh, the woods are lovely.

The leaves are turning.

You know a wonderful thing about you? Oh, I see, you've got the golden maple.

You've never come down here.

In eight years, summer or winter, you've never come down here without stopping

in exactly that same spot.

and admiring the view.

You know something wonderful about you.

You always notice that I notice the view.

Why, any other man would... Well, honestly, if you're not washing his

getting his lunch or fighting off bill collectors, why, they hardly even notice

you at all.

Aren't you listening to me?

I'm sorry.

I was looking at your eyes.

Didn't hear your words.

Now, come on, you hardly even know what color they are.

Darling.

Look how the rhododendrons have grown.

And did you see the franklinia?

Greatest bloom in years. Yes, they are lovely.

I planted those the year we met.

Remember? Remember what? Remember me in a hospital bed and you in a white

uniform. A very nice fitting uniform it was indeed.

In such style.

And not the uniform.

The girl that wore it. Oh, darling, please don't say any more.

Or if you do, kindly say something stupid like, how are your cavities?

Because if you don't, I'm afraid my knees will collapse and I'll spill your

lovely bourbon all over your lovely terrace.

Rye, dear.

You're in Baltimore now.

We drink rye.

Yes.

I knew I wasn't in New York.

Darling, I have an errand to do.

Now? Now, don't worry. You go up and change and get comfortable.

I'll be right back.

What's your errand?

Oh, a wonderful thing happened.

A neighbor of mine died.

Remember old Harrington?

Finest stables on the eastern seaboard.

Well, we buried him yesterday morning, and his wife... You don't have to go, do

you? His wife, who hated his horses even more than she hated him.

Well, she decided to sell every last one of them before he's cold on the ground.

You mean now?

Oh, no. Tomorrow, tomorrow morning. At the fairgrounds. An auction.

But I've only just arrived.

Sweetie, don't be upset.

I have to study the horses before I do any bidding.

But I am upset.

When will you be back?

In time for our cocktail before dinner.

I've got your things laid out, Mrs. Bigby. And your bath is drunk.

Thank you, Eloise.

Actually, the only wild horse, I mean really wild, not descended from a

domesticated horse, like a Mustang.

The only wild horse is a tarpan.

You find it in the Gobi Desert.

It's small, uncolored.

Mane is short and erect.

Moves and herds of five or more. Each herd led by a stand.

Oh, darling, John is here.

Oh, good morning, John.

Darling, I'm terribly sorry to have to take off before you're ready to leave.

But you know, an auction like this doesn't happen twice in a lifetime.

Excuse me, I've got to run inside a minute. Be right out. Be right there,

Halloween.

Do you have the box?

It's right here, sir.

As soon as I go, give it to Mrs. Bixby. I will. And give her this letter with

it. Be sure and give her the letter. I will, sir.

I'm terribly sorry. I go to the station with you, but I really can't. Oh, don't

worry, darling.

Goodbye.

And take care of yourself.

I will.

Colonel told me to give you this.

Oh, good gracious, what an enormous box.

Why, whatever could it be, didn't he say?

Oh, Eloise, this is exciting. It's just like Christmas.

There's a note with it, Mom.

I don't think I'll look. I think I'll just feel first.

Oh, no.

Oh, it can't be true.

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

Wild Labrador mink.

Oh, just feel it. It's so deep and so soft.

Smell it. What a wonderful smell.

Aren't you going to try it on?

What? I didn't think Miss Bigby is to wear. You'd think it was to eat.

Eloise, it must have cost at least...

$5 ,000?

Easily, ma 'am. It could have cost eight.

Oh, just wait until I walk into a restaurant with this on.

Just perfect for you, ma 'am. Oh, Eloise, it's what every woman needs.

I don't want to hurry you, ma 'am, but if we're taking the usual train, we

should be leaving.

Oh, I didn't realize it was so late.

It's 10 .30.

I'll be with you in a moment, Thompson. Yes, ma 'am.

I've got your bag all packed.

I'll get it for you.

Please accept the coat with my gratitude and best wishes.

For personal reasons, I'm afraid I shall not be able to see you anymore.

P .S. If they wonder at home, just... Tell them that nice aunt of yours

gave it to you.

Your bag's in the car, Mom.

Thank you.

What about the coat? Shall I pack it or will you wear it?

Oh, no.

No, I can't wear it. You see, my husband... Eloise, would you just

put it back in the box?

I think it's a little too warm to wear it.

Oh, driver, stop here.

Wait for me, will you?

Yes,

ma 'am?

Oh, good evening. I seem to have lost my wallet.

And, well, the banks don't open again until Monday. And I, well, I just simply

have to have some money for the weekend.

Let's see what you got.

It does seem silly to pawn this for the little bit that I need. But, you see, I

just didn't seem to have anything else.

How much do you want?

It really is a fantastic coat.

How much?

Uh, 50.

Name?

Wild Labrador Mink.

No, no, no, no. Your name.

My name?

You don't have to use the name, do you?

What if you lose the ticket? Anybody can pick it up and come in here and claim

the coat. Oh, I won't lose the ticket.

Okay. What do you want me to put for description of article?

Don't put anything.

Look, lady, this is a ticket. This ticket cares in half. I give you half, I

half. On each half it says article. I gotta write what article?

Well, why don't you just write $50 on each ticket?

The numbers are the same.

Okay, it's no skin off my nose.

Well, how was everything in Baltimore?

Fine.

Well, I worked late last night.

I stayed to cast some inlays.

Oh, now, Fred, why can't you let other people do your donkey work for you?

You're much too important for that.

I'm extremely proud of my inlays.

Oh, you see what I've brought for measuring the vermouth?

Why do you have to do them?

I can get it to the nearest milligram with it.

Darling, how clever.

I seem to have the sniffles.

Darling, by the way, look what I found in the cab today.

It's a ticket with a number on it.

I thought it might be a lottery ticket or something, so I kept it.

It's a pawn ticket.

A pawn ticket?

Oh, dear. I was hoping it was for the Irish sweepstakes.

Well, if you want to pay $50, you can get the article. How would I be sure it

was worth $50?

Oh, it must be worth it.

They wouldn't give more than 10 % on the value.

You mean it could be worth $500, that little ticket?

Sure. Oh, I think this is exciting.

Sure.

Who knows what we'll get, hmm?

Honey, it's my ticket. I found it.

Well, what difference does it make?

I'll find out what it is Monday morning.

But I found it. I ought to go, oughtn't I?

Honey, you don't know anything about pawnbrokers. You're liable to get

Oh, I wouldn't get cheated, Fred, honestly.

Anyway, you don't have $50, do you?

Do you, dear?

So how can you redeem it?

Well, I...

Just thought it might be fun to go myself and discover what it is.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll go together.

What?

Monday morning, you and I will go to the pawnbroker's together.

Oh, no.

Well, why not?

Well, I certainly wouldn't want to be seen going in a place like that.

No, on second thought, darling, I think it'd be much more exciting if I stay

behind and you find out what it is.

Well, any way you like.

Fred.

Would you promise me one thing?

If it does turn out to be something wonderful, you know, like, oh, a

watch for you, will you phone me the instant you find out what it is?

You bet I will.

Well, here's to Monday morning.

Well, Mrs. Edwards, you sure are going to be a beauty when I get through with

you. Open, please.

Telephone, doctor.

Yes.

Oh, hello.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I forgot all about it.

Forgot it?

Well, what do you mean you forgot it?

Oh, no, no. I didn't forget to go. I just forgot to call you.

Fred, now do tell me, what is it?

I think, darling, you'll find it a very pleasant surprise. Look, I'll bring it

home with me tonight.

Goodbye.

Bye -bye.

Oh,

Mr. Gorman, we didn't expect you.

I've had a little trouble. I'm sorry, but the doctor's just going out for

It's broken.

Broken your denture?

Oh, what a shame. Just a moment.

Old Mr. Gorman's outside with a broken clasp. Do you think you could fix it

before you go?

Oh, sure.

Send him in. Darling, may I come in?

I was just up in the neighborhood shopping and I just couldn't wait to see

you got me.

Hello, dear.

Oh, you can go out to lunch now, Miss Pulteney. I can manage with Mr. Gorman.

Oh, Fred, where is it?

In the closet.

Watch your eyes.

All right.

You can look now.

There you are, precious.

Feast your eyes on this.

Go ahead, take it.

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

Oh, why, yes.

It cost me 50 bucks.

It'll have to do for your Christmas present.

Oh, well, it's lovely.

Now, let's try it on.

Oh, it's perfect.

It really suits you.

You know, it isn't every woman who has a mink.

No, it isn't.

Well, you run along, dear. I have to take care of Mr. Gorman.

I wish I could take you to lunch, but I'm just so busy.

Oh, did I tell you I'd be a little bit late getting home tonight?

No. It'll probably be about 9 .30, the way things look at the moment. Maybe

10 or 11.

Goodbye, Doctor. I'll be back in an hour. Thank you, Miss Pulteney. And

forget to order the amalgam when you get back.

Come in now, Mr. Gorman.

Well, it's nice to see you.

And how is the world treating you?

My honeymoon with the sponsor lasted just as long as the first commercial.

As for my present mood, will it outlast the final commercial?

You shall see in a moment.

At least my sponsor doesn't seem to be taking any action as a result of my

attitude. Until next week, good night.