Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm making credit cards.

As you can see, this credit card is cleverly patterned after the five -pound

note. In this way, we do away with such troublesome features as the monthly

statement. or the necessity for solvency.

Furthermore, these are good in any city in the country and in any business

establishment, provided the cashier is near -sighted. And now you may watch

our play if your credit is good.

Can I come in?

I'm Lois.

I just fell in your ocean.

I know you won't mind.

Oh, I don't mind.

I mean, it's not as though we couldn't find another ocean if we had to.

Jimmy told me you loaned me a blanket at least until we get to his place.

He's getting some things out of the car.

Jimmy? Jimmy Dolan, you mean?

Mm -hmm.

I'm just getting started in the business.

We came from the studio together.

I see.

Well, you seem to have been pretty well laundered.

I'm cold.

Look, I own a blanket, but I think it's out in the line.

Just a minute.

How's that?

Thank you.

Stevie! Stevie, Stevie, listen.

I gotta talk to you. Why?

Why? So you can shine like a glowworm instead of a schnook, that's why. And

maybe pick yourself up two. Three hundred bucks.

How much?

You heard me, man. Maybe I can't guarantee the three, but there's at

bills in it for you if you want to wade through this.

Another publicity job for the studio?

My biggest and best. Well, no thanks. I'm halfway through my book. Ah, halfway

through your miserable book.

Three quarters through the soles of your one pair of shoes.

Jimmy.

This is the literary life?

35 minutes from Hollywood with all the comforts of an abandoned mine shaft?

Look, Lilacs, go plant yourself someplace where you're ready to bloom

talking with a man. Can't you see that?

Now, look.

Not here.

My place, baby.

My place. You know the way, don't you, huh?

Come on.

And don't brush your teeth with a box again. Remember what I told you last

Ah, that was real sweet, Jimmy.

Get the fella here.

Come off it. Venom is a waste of time.

Could you do something for her?

Oh, what an awful question to ask me.

Stevie boy, you're looking at a man who just spent four solid hours in the MP's

private office.

In whose office? MP, the owner, the boss of the studio.

He listened to everything I had to say and he said to me, MP, did he say,

this can be the... Biggest public relations deal since the invention of

ether bunny. What can be?

The Betsy Blake thing. What do you think?

Well,

you know what happened to her, don't you?

Well, sure. There hasn't been much else in the paper for the past week.

She got herself killed in a speedboat accident.

Just out beyond Catalina Harbor, wasn't it? That's right.

Her speedboat went head -on into another speedboat, killing Mr. Lewis Pryor, a

fairly important citizen in Pasadena, and herself.

But the most important thing is this.

Until I had my talk with MP this afternoon, it looked like Betsy had also

$6 million Goliath production in living, breathing color and audacity of the

newest dimension in sound.

You mean that picture Splendor? That's right. Well, it's all wrapped up.

No more retakes. The sets have been struck. The whole thing's in a can. Just

days before she goes out and gets herself killed.

Well, it's kind of tough on Betsy, I suppose, but how's it going to hurt the

picture? I mean, you've had nothing but publicity for the past week.

It could help the picture.

Help a judge grade if we were going into distribution today or tomorrow.

But the important thing is that we're all set for late autumn release around

Thanksgiving to catch the holiday trade and make a bid for the awards.

Well, that's three months away.

By that time, all the excitement's over. The public interest is going to be as

dead as Betsy Blake.

By November, you could change the title to Asleep in the Deep.

Well, she was a real dish in her day, I'll tell you that.

What makes you think they'll forget her so soon?

Kid, I was raised in this business, Stevie boy. It's in my blood.

I've got what MP calls box office instinct. I can't help it, lights go on

off inside of me, you know what I mean? Oh, save it, please. Don't start talking

like a Hollywood pioneer to me. I happen to know you're just a fresh kid chasing

a rapid dollar.

You're 23 years old.

How do you know?

That time two summers ago when the waiter wouldn't serve you a drink, you

show him your driver's license?

You were 21 at the time.

You think you're pretty smart, don't you? Well, I can add 21 and 2.

You think you're so smart that you have to sit here in this sun -kissed big star

waiting for some kid like me to bail you out of hot for a couple hundred bucks,

huh? You can go now, Jimmy, and take your money with you.

Nobody asked you to come down here.

Can't you take a joke?

Fuck Stevie, boy.

Why do you think I'm here, huh? Because you have to grind out 90 yards a copy

about Betsy Blake and you haven't got the writing talent of a backward high

school boy.

An equally important reason is you don't want the people who pay you a big fat

salary to find it out.

Yeah.

Well, it looks like we understand each other, right? I wouldn't say that, but

understand a few things we mightn't have understood before.

But about Betsy Blake.

Her body wasn't recovered until this morning, was it? That's right. She

up on the shore.

The identification was positive. Well, sure. Well, naturally, she couldn't have

looked like Miss Palm Frond of 1943, but the authorities were satisfied.

That's what I told MP this afternoon. I said, that wraps it up. That makes it

official. The mystery's gone.

A month from now, people won't remember whether it was Betsy Blake or Betty Boop

that went for a ride in that speedboat.

They won't remember unless...

And that's when the inspiration hit me, Steve. What inspiration?

I pointed to a picture hanging on the wall in MP's office, and I said to him,

there's your solution right there, and it was a picture of Mr.

Rudolph Valentino.

MP got the message.

What's Valentino got to do with it?

Death, man.

Death turned Rudolph Valentino into a legend. That's what MP was able to

understand. Some smart people saw to it that Rudy had the most sensational

funeral this country ever saw, up to, but not including, the burial of Miss

Betsy Blake.

What was done for the screen's greatest lover certainly can be done for Madam

Mystery. Madam who?

Madam Mystery, some name they pinned on her a few years back when she was, um...

Mysterious? Yeah, mysterious.

This thing that I'm about to create, Stevie Boy, is an art that's gonna

be able to float.

We're gonna bury Betsy Blake like she was Mother McCree, Sweet Georgia Brown,

Cleopatra, the sweetheart of Sigma Chi, Salome, all wrapped up into one.

I'm going out, boy. I'm going way, way out. And it's gonna make me a big man in

this town. I can just see it.

Then we go into the spook department.

You'll hear it around for a little while.

And then you'll see the first printed rumor.

Is Betsy Blake still alive?

Now, how can you get away with that when she's being buried this week?

That's the mystery angle, man.

You've got no imagination.

We know she's dead.

We know she's gone like an old dropped lemon pie.

But you've got to realize she's been floating around in the water for a week

she didn't look like... You can skip the details.

I keep forgetting you're sensitive.

Meanwhile, I'm juggling a couple other ideas for this campaign. The real Betsy

Blake. And the Betsy Blake nobody knows. What do you think of that?

Depends.

I guess you can get a lot of mileage out of the Betsy Blake that nobody knows.

Did you know her?

Are you kidding? I handled the publicity for years.

Oh, it's your age.

Will you lay off my age?

Maybe Salzbach took the bow as head of promotion, but it was me, Stevie, little

Jimmy here that was digging in there with that spade.

That's what MP was able to understand. What do you think he gave me this big

chance for anyway? Now, does that satisfy you? Look, it's no skin off my

But incidentally, how old was Betsy Blake?

Well, let's say she was no spring chicken, but she kept her feathers nice

smooth.

To me, she was around a pretty long time.

Look, Stevie boy, I've got to have a prospectus in M .P.'s hands by Monday

morning. I'm counting on you, pal, to help me with the fancy prose.

So you'll think you wrote it?

Yeah, I'll level with you.

That 200 bucks comes out of my pocket. So what? So who cares?

So it'll take you off the K -rations for a while, and you can go back to your

corny book with your stomach full.

Now, the answer is no.

You know how I feel about razzle -dazzle promotions of this kind.

Three hundred bucks on the table.

One, two, three. Now, there could be a bonus in this for you, Steve, as soon as

the picture comes out. You might even be able to get your plumbing fixed. Now,

what do you say last chance?

Tell me some more about Betsy Blake.

Well, look, I've got to be knocking off.

I'll leave the tools inside there for you. You know, it gets dark pretty early

down here in November.

You, uh, you don't get lonesome down here all by yourself, do you? No, it's

of those things.

Well, uh -oh.

I forgot it was Friday night.

That must be the genius.

I don't see no Coors Landing broads down there.

You think he's sick?

You'll have to ask him.

He's got a convertible out there as long as a hook and ladder.

Public relations manager for Goliath Pictures, huh?

Well, Steve, tell me something, will you?

How does a young punk his age hold on to a job like that?

You think he knows where some bodies are buried?

You got me.

I'll let you know if I ever find out.

I'll see you.

Alfredo, my good man, how are you?

What's with him?

His daughter brought home love secrets from beyond the grave.

You're kidding.

Hey, you know those phony fan clubs I organized eight weeks ago?

That I remember. Well, they ain't phony no more. I got 50 ,000 lovesick

volunteers gazing into their tea leaves and their Betsy Blake voodoo rings. You

think I'm kidding you?

What about your conscience?

My what? Oh, my conscience. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.

I swapped it to the Daughters of Salvation for a bass drum.

We open up nationwide next week, Stevie boy.

No sneak previews or test patterns for my skyrocket. Just solid bookings right

across the nation.

You think MP doesn't know who wrapped this package up?

I've got a contract in my pocket that he gave me this afternoon.

I don't want to shock you, pal.

But the salary figures read like the round -trip mileage to the moon.

Congratulations.

love secrets from beyond the grave. How do you like that? And, Madam Mystery, no

less than I was Betsy Blake's astrologist. I'm telling you, it's

The best thing that washed out platinum -rinsed old pelican ever did in her life

was to ram her speedboat into that jerk from Pasadena. What was... Mr... Mr.

Friar of Pasadena, Jimmy.

Mr. Lewis Friar was the gentleman's name.

I think the next episode should be the cutest one, don't you?

The return of Betsy Blake.

You have to stare at me like that?

It's not possible.

You've got no right. Sure, I was thoughtless of me. I should have stayed

No bag comes stumbling back after 90 days with her hair three different

and a poached egg look in each eye.

Listen, I... You don't say anymore. Just keep your mouth shut.

You got a kind face, dear.

Stupid, but compassionate.

You got a little drink for a little old man of mystery?

Oh, there's some.

Don't apologize if that's the angel, boy. I spotted it already.

That's all you got?

Right so.

Oh, sorry to take all your vitamins, dear.

Remind me to get your case someday.

Ow.

That's much, much better.

I haven't had a drink in an hour and a half.

I can tell you what this is all about.

Actually, well, the newspapers didn't have anything right except Louis Fryer's

name and my own. I had to laugh.

Laugh someplace else. Come on, let's go.

No, no, no. Let her talk.

You weren't in a speedboat accident?

Oh, sure. We hit all right. I went to Louis Fryer and his girlfriend like a

torpedo.

Peter, they used to call me. You remember that, Jim? Louie Fryer's

What girlfriend?

Well, like I was going to tell you. See, there was this doll.

Some floozy that he must have picked up on the beach. That was Louie Fryer for

you every time.

She was blonde, and so I suppose people figured her for me.

Especially after seven days in the water.

Go on.

This is going to kill you, Junior.

There must have been a lot of... corking the stuff I drank that day because I

just wasn't easy to sink.

A fishing trawler picked me up.

An old tub out of San Diego with a new coat of paint.

Must have looked a little bit like me, huh?

Well, anyway, it was on its way to Seattle.

A Swede by the name of Eric fished me out of the channel.

He was sort of a blonde Humphrey Bogart with muscles.

He mixed his own booze and an oil drum.

We were the only one on board.

Best three months I had in my whole life.

It's not possible.

It's just not possible!

Well, you stick to your dreams, Junior, and I'll stick to mine.

It was a whole week before we saw the Seattle newspapers.

Eric brought a stack on board. Laugh, I thought we'd split the deck.

I shouldn't imitate Eric's accent, but when he said, there do we go from here,

took one look at that Nordic rooster and said, as far away from Goliath Studios

as you can sail this tub.

So he took off.

For three months?

Why not?

First vacation I've ever had in my whole life.

Nobody around to say, Betsy, what's the calories?

Betsy, lay off the grape.

So what if I did gain weight?

We'd have been gone three years if he hadn't run out of cash.

And I plan to change that just as soon as I get to my safe deposit box.

But there's one thing, Junior. You did a great publicity job.

I especially enjoyed the accounts of my own funeral.

I like the magazine articles, too.

Love Secrets from Beyond the Grave.

Eric liked that one, too.

What's the matter? You don't look happy, Jim Precious.

Should I?

No.

Come on, I need to drink more than you do. Well, anybody's booze is better than

no booze.

I'll see you later, Steve. There'll be something I want to talk to you about.

You know what I mean?

Looks like a course built for goats, but not a goat as old as this one, huh?

You had to ruin it, didn't you?

You had to come back and hog your way into the act?

Well, I had it made. Do you hear me? I had it all wrapped up, Goliath. I was

of the year until you come in here looking like something from Halloween.

Thank you.

Tell me more.

I'll tell you more, but it won't be any news to you. You had to come back and

take your curtain call and take the shine off the only success I ever made

own. Well, that's Betsy for you. Good old Betsy Blake.

Well, I worked like a pig in a pit to put this promotion on. I went without

for 90 days to turn an old crow like you into a bird of paradise and whammy,

right into the tin can the old crow comes throupling home.

You are sweet, Jimmy.

Real sweet.

You should have remembered that.

Well, if you don't believe me, ask MP. He told me this afternoon that when they

talk about legends, they're not going to talk about Valentino or Jimmy Dean.

They're going to say it all started with Jimmy Dolan and Betsy Blake.

I turned your rotten picture into a guaranteed success. That's who did it.

me. I made you, took your Nickelodeon talent, turned it into the kind of

that the public would buy. Listen, you couldn't have gotten into Goliath

a pistol and a crowbar if it hadn't have been for me.

You're the brains of a moth and the personality of a cobra when I went to MP

told him he had to give you a job.

What do you want?

Where's Betsy?

What makes you think that old thing was Betsy Blank?

Oh, come on. Come off it. How many drinks did you have?

Suppose.

Suppose for the sake of an idea I had, suppose it wasn't her.

Look, I've been to the movies too many times.

Why, her voice, the way she talks.

Where is Betsy now?

There was an accident.

And it wasn't my fault.

She was hurt?

Is she dead?

Well, is she?

Steve, you gotta help me. Like I said, it wasn't my fault. She had it coming to

her. Yeah, Jimmy?

I don't mean that. What I mean, I mean she was drunk.

Steve, you gotta help me. She tripped and she fell.

Why did you kill her?

Why? The greatest publicity job in the last 20 years?

And she turns it into a fire?

Do you know for certain that she's dead?

I tried to drag her away from my place, but I couldn't.

I heard people walking along the beach, and I got scared, and I came here.

Steve, you gotta help me, please!

Sure, I'll help you. You're such a real nice kid. I'll call the cops and have

them come and take your body away.

Steve, she's no good. She's a drunk.

She's a liar. She's no good.

I've got five grand home, $5 ,000 that I got as a bonus from this campaign. It's

all yours if you'll just help me.

As far as anybody's concerned, Betsy Blake's been dead for three months.

You can help me.

Help me move the body and put it in the trunk of my car.

Give me the police.

You'd kill your own mother to be a big man at Goliath Studios, wouldn't you?

My mother?

That's right, Stevie.

But how did you know that's who she was?

So much for our ode to mother love.

I must say it was a pleasant change to meet Jimmy Dolan.

Here's a boy unsullied by any Oedipus complex, not tied by any silver cord,

unfettered by any sentimental claptrap.

Just a healthy, happy, well -adjusted killer.

It's all very refreshing.

And now, for those of you who are accustomed to enjoying television...

here is something that is also refreshingly different, after which I'll

By the way, I'm no longer in the credit card business.

Someone was flooding the country with exact reproductions of our cards.

When I discovered the culprit was the government, I thought it best to bow out

gracefully.

As for our story... I must say it was a pleasant change to meet Jimmy Dolan.

Here was a boy, unsullied by any Oedipus complex, not tied by any silver cord,

unfettered by any sentimental claptrap.

Just a healthy, happy, well -adjusted killer.

However, Jimmy subsequently had a bit of bad luck.

He met with an accident in his home and died as a result of a fall.

He tripped over his grandmother while he was attempting to throw her down a

flight of stairs.

Very sad.

Next time I shall return with another story, equally uplifting. Until then,

night.

Okay.