Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm sending this beautiful plant to a dear friend.

I believe it's feeding time.

These carnivorous plants get quite hungry. This one has been quite useful

around here as a garbage disposal.

I shall hate to part with it, but I know my friend will love it, and I'm sure it

will love him too.

Church, you stupid beak.

The dog gets housebroken three months.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Where's your pride?

You're worse than a pelican.

Hermie!

Hermie!

Yeah? Did you feed Romeo his banana?

I'm getting to it.

Don't keep him waiting too long. The poor thing must be ravenous.

How do you have it, stupid?

Sliced? Slice it for him, Hermie.

Hermie, did you hear what I said?

I heard you.

You marry a woman the mental age of ten and you wind up bedroom steward to a

blasted Noah's Ark.

You are the cutest little chameleon I ever did see.

What's the matter, precious?

Upset because you can't turn polka -dotted?

Hope you choked on it.

Slob.

I never in my life saw a fish standing its tail like that one.

Bang, he hit.

Then I set the hook.

Swish, up he went.

Right on his tail. Six, eight foot, just like a rocket.

Like to pull me out of the boat.

Hi, Henpeck. How's the menagerie? You shut up about Hermie, George.

He's the best little zookeeper on Bougainvillea Street, ain't you, Hermie?

both through?

You can give me the mail. All right, all right.

Hermie? I think they made up.

Well, good for them.

Wasn't serious quarrel after all.

She probably got to nagging him.

A seahorse can't take that day in and day out, you know.

Gets up every morning, looks at the same old face, sits around all day, listens

to a lot of yakety -yak.

How do you know?

I read a book once.

Here, you want to endorse this? I'll take it over to the bank before it

Do you know what I think about the seahorses, Herman?

What? I think it was the food.

You don't like her cooking?

Oh, be serious, will you?

I think he was undernourished. It's the vitamin D in that new baby brine shrimp

you got last week. Come on, sweetheart. Get some more today.

Okay. Well, be sure now.

Well, let's see.

$200 for deposit, $50 for grocery money, and $10 for your

allowance. Ten?

Now, Hermie, we've been through all that before. I'm not made of money.

Okay. And remember the brine shrimp? Yeah.

Vitamin D.

And, Hermie?

Yeah?

One beer.

Well, how long have you and Myra been married, Hermie?

Fifteen years.

Fifteen years.

Boy, I envy you.

Why?

Well, a home ain't a home without a woman in it.

You got yourself a home, Hermie.

A real home.

You got your roots down deep.

Got her own little family.

I ain't had that for, let me see now, nine long years.

Yeah, she's been gone nine years this month.

How'd you manage that?

Huh?

What took her off?

Pneumonia.

Pneumonia in Florida, George.

Kansas City.

Oh.

Myra wouldn't move to Kansas City.

Who wants to move to Kansas City?

I mean, in case anyone was to ask her, would you move to Kansas City? It's an

to 1 shot. She'd say no.

Nothing wrong with Kansas City.

Oh, I never said there was.

My wife loved it. She says there was no place in the world like Kansas City.

She was a good woman, Hermie.

Life ain't been the same since she took off.

I suppose not.

Well, she... She left me pretty well fixed.

I don't want for nothing.

But life just ain't the same.

I wandered around for more than two years trying to forget.

Hawaii, Acapulco, Las Vegas, Monte Carlo.

But life just ain't the same without a woman in the house.

Everything's so... so quiet.

I suppose so.

Have a beer? Sure.

Since she's been gone, my life is nothing but beer and fishing.

Better get her some brine shrimp for the seahorses.

So long, George.

Come

on,

baby doll. Come on out and play with mama.

Whatever's wrong with Franklin?

Got to load a bad sunflower seed, I guess.

Here's the shrimp with vitamin D.

Put it down. I'll get to it in a minute.

The article says they're affectionate. He seems kind of self -centered to me.

What'd I tell you?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Hermie, don't say I told you so.

Well, I did, didn't I? Well, look what the article says on the couch.

Page 16.

Says turtles make very intelligent, interesting, and affectionate pets.

You see it, Hermie?

Uh... Yeah.

Baby doll, you still in there?

Don't be silly.

But I don't think he feels well.

Baby, come out.

Maybe he's got hives.

He's cold -blooded.

When they're cold -blooded, I guess they don't ever get real fond of you.

Oh, I don't know.

After all, a snake is cold -blooded.

What does that prove?

Well, a snake is the most affectionate pet in the world.

Everybody knows that.

Look at that. He's been in there for 15 minutes.

You know, I've been thinking.

You know what you ought to do, honey?

You ought to get yourself a snake.

Why?

Well, a snake wouldn't pull that kind of stunt on you.

How could a snake go inside?

Where would it go?

And if it could, it wouldn't want to.

the right snake, you've got yourself a real pal.

You think so?

Sure.

Well, people say they can't stand the sight of snakes.

Oh, that's a lot of prejudice.

Besides, everyone don't think that way.

People that know snakes in person don't think that way at all.

Remember that act in Tampa you wouldn't go to see? The snake dance strip tease?

Well, that dame had them twining all around her.

There was a picture of it on the billboard. You remember that.

What did they eat? An egg.

All you do is whistle when it's dinner time and they just sit right up and beg.

What you want is a nice little snake.

I could carry it around with me.

Down the front of your dress.

Well, that's where they carry them. Right where it could peek out at people.

Be cute as the devil.

But I don't like snakes.

Okay, okay.

Don't have one then. No snakes. Snakes out.

I'm not trying to sell you a bill of goods, so forget it.

Let them kill it.

Skin it.

Make a pair of shoes for a midget.

You mean you know a snake?

Well, this pet shop fell in Miami.

with this cute little snake.

And he don't know what to do with it.

Does he have to kill him?

Yep.

You know what the price of eggs is going up to.

Would he give him away to a real good home?

Nope. A snakeskin's worth money.

This guy's got to eat.

All the same, he can't hardly face up to killing him.

It's so darn loyal.

He said this snake's got eyes like a cocker spaniel.

What if I went to the pet shop to see him? Oh, no, no.

That's where you went wrong with the turtle.

See, he still connects you with the pet shop where he was so miserable.

And look at him. He's all withdrawn.

Listen, if I was a snake, I'd like to be put in a box and not know where I was

going and find myself being unwrapped by someone just like you, Myra, in a nice,

quiet room with the door shut.

You would?

Yeah.

He told me it takes all day for...

Is this place called Melody?

Yeah. You want to make a nickel?

Show me where this fella hangs out, this snakeologist.

Herpetologist. Yeah, herpet... Yeah.

Snakes, lizards, gators, turtles, mice.

I'm looking for the fella that runs this ad.

Idle Pfeiffer.

Herpetologist, that's me.

You?

I'm so idle, Pfeiffer.

Nationalist. pet shops, medical schools, and museum supply.

Live reptiles for scientific purposes and rare collected items.

What are you doing there?

Frog.

For my aquatic species.

Oh.

You want to buy something?

Well, I tell you, Hansel, I'm a professor.

I'm, uh, involved in some crucial research on the, uh, Cape Canaveral

Professor, huh?

Now, what we want is a tip -top, high -powered, poisonous snake.

A real stinger. Hmm.

Well, let's see.

Crotalus, or Crotalus adamantis, horridus, or what about Ancestradon?

No, no, no, nothing imported.

Just a decent, straightforward American snake like you'd come on in your own

backyard. So there's a copperheads and rattlesnakes. I was just giving you the

Latin names, Professor.

Oh, why, sure.

I don't know what I was thinking. I went with these mosquitoes buzzing around me

all the time.

Look, kid, I ain't interested in a rattler. What I need is something with a

of class, little and cute, with plenty of zing.

How about Tarsanus Red?

Look, Hassan Pepper, I came here for a yard of snake, not a yard of highbrow

talk. You got something like I said, let's do business. If you ain't say so,

don't keep me standing around here getting bit.

How about a coral snake?

How's it for size?

20 inches.

Facts a high grade of poison?

Certainly does.

Good looking? It's got bands around it.

Black and red and yellow.

It looks like, let's call it, king snake.

Handsomest of American reptiles. Here.

Here. Read what it says.

Deadliest type of poison in North or South America.

Akin to that of the cobra.

That's my baby.

What you want it for?

They got no right letting a kid like you advertise.

Here, the country's needing scientists.

And my time is being wasted driving all the way down here to a little punk who

don't know a snake from a tapeworm.

Keep your snakes. And I'll keep my top secret information in my dough as well.

Listen, pal, let's make ourselves a deal.

A little bitsy one like that can't come so very high, I guess. Three bucks?

Four? Ten.

Ten?

That's what I said.

Look, have some pepper.

I'm going to let you in on this top secret information, even though you

showing a very patriotic attitude.

Our scientists over at Canaveral want to see if we can beat the Russians putting

a snake on the moon.

Five bucks?

Ten.

Split the difference. Make it $7 .50.

Ten.

You want a wrap?

In a carton.

Make it a good strong one.

Hermie, you remember.

Our 15th anniversary.

Listen, you can hear him in there.

Oh, Hermie. You went out and bought him with your own allowance.

Well, honey, I...

Hermie, sometimes you just surprise me to pieces.

You used your own money just for me.

Let's open it.

Wait, hold it. What's the matter?

Well, uh, that's a trained snake, Myra.

He's tame, affectionate.

He doesn't act.

He does?

Sure. You can tie him around your leg for a garter or around your neck or

anywhere. You just stick his tail in his mouth like the two ends of a necklace.

Oh, darling.

The guy told me all about him. He said you gotta love him up, you gotta make a

pet of him, you gotta let him do his stuff right from the very start, and

be just crazy about you.

Let's undo him.

Wait. Now, uh, let me get out of here.

See, I don't want him seeing me first.

He might take to me instead of you.

That's herpetology.

Herpa what?

Snake psychology.

Now, I'll just go for a little walk and give you some time to love him up and

get real friendly with him.

Well, go to it, sweetie.

He's all yours.

Thank you, Hermes.

Ah! Slopped.

One word and tomorrow you're a feather duster.

help of that livestock, and you got a train mire to drink beer.

Now, you get them two things settled, what's the matter?

Uh, it's almost six o 'clock.

I gotta go.

Ah, sit down and relax.

Here, I'll split this one with you. It's the last one. Uh, no thanks, George.

Yeah, you get that dame to drink beer with you, and the next thing you know,

she'll want to go fishing.

And after that, there's no telling what you'll do.

Might even raise your allowance.

Can't even keep gas in your tank on ten bucks a week, boy.

Give me a loan of the bat.

What for?

Never mind what for. A nickel for five minutes.

Give me.

He doesn't like me.

What do you mean he don't like you?

That fellow must have fast talked you into a bad deal. It's a cold snake if I

ever saw one.

I'm really hurt, Hermie.

What did you do with him?

I put him to bed.

Oh.

What's that for?

Hmm?

The bat.

Oh.

I've been... Robin flies to the kids.

I'm really discouraged, Jeremy. It's just like I told you. He's a cold

thing, and he just can't work up a love for people.

I could fix him an egg.

He might be sweeter to me.

You hold him.

He bit me. He bit me.

Well, you scared him, Hermie. How can we ever catch him now?

Poor little snake. Myra.

Myra. I'll put some Acura Chrome on that. Never can tell where their teeth

been. They bit me.

Myra.

Oh, what's the matter, Hermie?

Myra, I'm going to die.

Get a doctor. It's a poisonous snake.

Oh, Hermie, you wouldn't give me a poisonous.

Mr. Bates?

George! Come quick!

I'm going to get rid of all the animals.

Every last one of them.

Because every time I look at one, I'll think of Herming.

You've got to go on, Mrs. Jensen.

Will you sell the house?

Go away.

Europe, Hawaii, the Southeast.

But you know, it won't be the same.

Here he is.

Alive and kicking.

Well, I was right. Sure.

He's not poisonous.

Of course not.

Hermie'd never slip you a hot snake.

This is a king snake.

That's not a coral.

They just look alike.

As I told you, Mrs. Jenkins, your husband died of a heart attack.

Poor Hermie.

Right up to the last he was kidding.

Always kidding.

to improve on nature by giving this flower a more inviting scent.

I want my friend to get quite close.

This perfume has such a suggestive name, I'm not even allowed to mention it on

the air.

The saleswoman told me it's infallible in attracting men.

This was the last bottle they had.

Their entire supply was bought up by the army recruiting office.

I shall return next time with another story.

Until then, good night.