Original subtitles

Why are we here?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to darkest Hollywood.

Night brings a stillness to the jungle.

It is so quiet you can hear a name drop.

But the savage beasts have already begun gathering at the waterholes to quench

their thirst.

Now one should be especially alert.

The vicious table hopper is on the prowl, and the spotted backbiter may

behind a potted palm.

In order to reach the scene of tonight's story, our little safari must now move

inexorably and incomprehensibly from smoggy Hollywood to foggy London.

Fortunately, we make this side trip through the pure, exhilarating air of

commercial television.

Good evening. Are you Inspector Brent, sir? That's right.

Come in, sir. Major Cook Finch is expecting you.

If you'll just step this way.

Inspector Brent, sir. Inspector Brent?

How are you, Major?

Peace the night out, isn't it? Yes, it's just plain Mr.

Brent these days, by the way.

Yes, it's a bit damp out.

Well, sir, it's good of you to help out this way. Oh, not at all. Matter of

fact, I'm quite keen to learn what's going on. Yes, of course. But at the

moment, I'd like to see your dining room and speak to your man, Lane, I think

you said his name was.

Lane, yes, that's right. If you'll come this way.

Now, the dining room is in here.

Yes, I remember.

Oh, Lane, Inspector, Mr.

Brent wants to consult with you. Please make any arrangements he wants, will

you? Yes, sir.

A police officer has arrived, sir, from Blackheath Station. Oh, good. I'll speak

to him in a moment.

Very good, sir.

Well, I'll decant the wine.

Did you find that particular gas valve I mentioned to you on the telephone?

Yes, sir. If we turn it nearly off, the effect we experience is one of a failing

supply.

Good. We'll go into that in a moment. Now, I want you to turn off all the

in the study there except the one by the door. Very good, sir.

Good of you to let me take over this way, sir.

Oh, not at all. I've only a vague idea what this is all about, but you have

rather whetted my curiosity, you know. Yes, of course.

Be pointless to go over all the details twice, though, wouldn't it? Yes, I

suppose it would.

Exactly. So we wait for Mr. Stone. He'll probably be along in a moment.

Oh, Lane, where does the Major usually sit?

Over there, sir.

Yes, well, that won't do tonight.

You'll have to change it so he sits here. Oh, but I always sit there.

Yes, of course, but that won't do tonight, you see, sir, with the ghost

appearing over there.

Odd. I thought he said ghost.

Oh, now, Lane, yes.

I shall sit here with Mr. Stone opposite, and over there we shall have

of honor.

Very good, sir.

I expect that's Mr. Stone now. Show him in here, please.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Will you kindly step this way, sir?

Mr. Robert Stone.

Oh, Mr. Stone. My dear friend. Let me introduce you to our host, Major Cook

Finch. Mr. Robert Stone. Major, how do you do? Good of you to come. I hope you

like Pheasant and the good claret. That sounds encouraging, I must say.

We're lucky it's Sunday, so Mr. Stone could come. He's playing in Macbeth now,

you know. Oh, yes, I hear it's a very good play.

I'm afraid, though, that the Tivoli is rather more my style.

I'm a great admirer of Gertie Guitar, you know.

I dare say.

Disgraceful of you to drag me out on a night like this, Brent.

You'll have to provide something unique and engrossing to make up for it. Oh,

perhaps I shall.

We're here to investigate a murder.

Really?

Exactly two years ago tonight, a murder was committed in this house. In this

very room, in fact.

You may possibly have read about it at the time.

Major Cook Finch is familiar with it, of course, since he took the house.

Yes, I shouldn't have been able to afford it otherwise.

People shy away from places after that sort of thing.

Lucky for me, I suppose.

Oh, you're referring to the Blackheath murder, of course.

The murdered woman was an elderly lady, a Miss Ferguson.

She was apparently attacked as she sat here eating a cold supper which her maid

used to leave ready on her Sunday off.

Miss Ferguson was found brutally strangled with the meal half finished.

Her little dog, a Pekingese, had been killed too.

Yes, I remember reading about the dog. The police seemed to think the murderer

must have known it, otherwise it would have barked. Yes, of course, it's not

impossible that he might have caught and killed the dog first, but it seems

unlikely that he could have done it without so much noise alarming Miss

Ferguson. Well, wasn't there a suspect in the case, a nephew or something? Yes,

John Bedford. He was his aunt's sole heir.

But he had a very good alibi for the time of the murder.

Miles away, in fact.

Oh, it couldn't have been Bedford. I met him when I took the house.

Besides, he was at Eton.

But didn't I also read that the house had been broken into and some silver

stolen? That would seem to point to her being killed by the burglar.

Possibly she caught him in the act.

Possibly, but it might simply have been staged to make it look like a robbery.

Well, I thought you were retired.

Isn't the case someone else was headache now?

It was my case to begin with, and I don't like it remaining unsolved.

Oh, has Miss Thorpe arrived yet, Lane?

No, sir, not yet. She said she might be late. She'll come in the side entrance,

show her into the study when she does. Very good. And if we are at dinner,

be very quiet about it, please.

Yes, sir.

Now...

This may seem a little unusual at first.

The yard would never permit it if I was still there, of course, but they'll be

happy to get the compliments if the plan works out.

I intend to produce Miss Ferguson's ghost.

He did say ghost.

You've seen Miss Thorpe on the stage, I expect. A superb actress.

She's agreed to be our ghost.

I gave her a copy of this photograph of Miss Ferguson.

She'd be wearing her hair the same way, and I've seen her in her make -up. The

likeness is absolutely perfect.

Oh, Mary's a very fine actress, of course. I never thought her queen in my

hamlet quite measured up.

But you've still got me thoroughly confused, dear boy. I wish you'd explain

little bit more.

Oh, of course. Now, when she appears in the doorway here, our last guest will

see her, but we shan't.

What? Why not?

We simply look through her, that's all. Just needs a bit of acting.

Oh, really? Now, that's all very well for Stone, but I'm not an actor, you

I'm sure I could never bring it all.

Of course you can, Major, and I'm depending on you.

Now, we won't bring her on with the soup. That would be rushing it.

I'm bringing her on with the pheasant.

All right, Brent.

I'll have a go at it. Good.

Now, let me have a word with Sergeant Balter a moment, and we'll all be

here.

Gentlemen, this is Sergeant Balter of Blackheath Police Station. He's lending

a hand tonight.

Mr. Cookfinch? How are you? Mr. Stone, Sergeant.

Mr. Stone, good evening.

You clear about everything now?

Oh, yes, sir. Are you quite sure the little fellow will do his part? Oh, yes,

sir. It can depend on him, all right. Good.

Well, shall we go into the other room and have a glass of sherry while we

Yes.

My dear friend, will you please settle down long enough to tell us what you're

trying to accomplish? Also, who our other guest is. I assume you believe he

the murderer.

Well, naturally.

And I'd like it all to seem quite everyday, you understand. I mean,

prearranged. All right. Well, assuming we all act our parts perfectly and

convince the man he sees Miss Ferguson's ghost.

What then?

Well, I can't say for certain. Naturally, I hope it'll cause him to

himself some way.

But it's only an experiment. I mean, it may not work. But if he's really guilty,

you do suppose he'll come here tonight, the very anniversary of the day he

committed the crime?

Yes. I told him I got some new evidence that I wanted to discuss with him. It'll

look bad if he refuses, wouldn't it?

Well, that must be our man now. But you still haven't told us who it is.

Well, the nephew, John Bedford, of course, he was the only one with a real

motive. But he has a girl who's infatuated with him, and she swears he

her all that evening. We could never... Good evening.

Good evening, sir.

Remember, we've only just got here.

Mr. John Bedford, sir.

And so I, uh... I took a step that wasn't there, and, well, here I am.

Doctor says it'll probably end its condition in three or four weeks. I

know. Spoiled all my golf, everything else.

Just the news.

I haven't had a chance to see your Macbeth yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I hope it continues for a time. I should like to see it very much. I'm a great

admirer of yours.

Thank you. We're playing for another six weeks.

You were at Eton, weren't you?

Not so very long after I was. About 30 years.

Yes, that's right. I heard about you.

They were still talking about that patch you made against Tarrow when you fell

in somebody's veal and ham pie.

By Joe, Major, those are beautiful birds.

Yes, I was lucky last week.

I bagged a brace of partridge and two pheasants at Leavenhall Market.

I should say, we're the lucky ones. And after that soup, too. I must say, you're

cooked up, you proud, Major.

Yes, they do look rather edible, don't they?

Oh. By the way, I meant to ask you what this new development was before dinner

was announced.

Oh, it can wait till later. Nothing too significant, as a matter of fact. I

don't know whether Inspector Brent told you or not, but my aunt was murdered in

this house.

Here in this room, in fact.

Not really.

Must be a dreadful shock, a thing like that. Yes, it was.

It was on a night something like this, as I recall it.

About two years ago. In fact, it was exactly two years ago, wasn't it?

So it was.

Two years ago tonight.

Two years ago, and you still haven't discovered the murderer, really? Oh,

no wonder you've retired.

Oh, you mustn't blame the inspector. He and his men worked very hard indeed. I

can tell you that.

In fact, they glanced at me once or twice. I was my aunt's sole heir, you

Ah, now, my boy, that was purely routine.

One must pursue every possible angle, you know. That's part of the job.

Of course, I understand.

Go. I don't have to concern myself with that sort of thing any longer.

Though, of course, I still have an interest in this case.

By the way, what does a retired Scotland Yard inspector do when he retires?

If I tell you, you'll get a good laugh.

Now you'll have to tell us.

Well, as a matter of fact, I've grown quite interested in bird watching.

Not really.

Yes, I have a small place in the country now, you know.

A neighbor of mine, a widow, first introduced me. Oh, now I understand bird

watching, he calls it. No, no, no, no, actually you don't understand. You see,

it is not as easy as it appears.

You'd be surprised at the number of people who become intrigued by it.

So, a great many worthwhile qualities are called into play.

Planning based on knowledge and experience, a considerable amount of

stealth. And the most acute observation and attention to detail, of course.

Tell me, have you ever heard what... No,

as a matter of fact, I haven't. However, I... Is

that your dog?

Dog? What dog?

Didn't you hear one bark just then?

Why, no.

I didn't hear anything.

I must have been wrong.

But I'm afraid I could never work up any enthusiasm for such a strenuous pastime

as you've just... Hello, what's the matter?

Oh, just the gas pressure.

It drops off this way now and again for some reason.

Something wrong with the gas works, no doubt.

I suppose we're lucky it never goes quite out. Oh, the advances of modern

civilization. I sometimes believe we'd be better off without these modern

conveniences. The gas seems to be down again, sir. Shall I bring more candles?

Oh, no, I think not, thank you. It's rather cozy.

Very good.

But you might go and see what that is, will you? Yes.

The front door had blown open, sir.

Really, I can't see why I spend this time of the year in England. I'd be

off to pack up and go to Italy and let them get on without me.

Come now, what about your public?

Oh, my public is a conglomeration of self -appointed Shakespearean

half -witted intellectuals and just plain dopes.

And, of course, I'd absolutely die without them.

Yes, yes, I dare say.

By the way, do you think the calibre of your public reflects the player, or...?

Or would you say it's just the nature of the brute?

Well, that's an underhanded question, Inspector, and I shan't answer it.

You don't play Shakespearean roles exclusively, do you? Oh, no, indeed.

Though I must say there's been little else worth doing recently.

I don't see why the writers of today can't do better. You'd be simply

if you could read some of the things I've been offered.

You've had a long experience in the theater, haven't you, Mr. Towne? Well,

done most things, I suppose.

Toured the provinces.

I've been on the halls, too, for a bit.

That was many years ago, of course.

Is it... Would you call it a...

rewarding life?

Rewarding? Oh, yes.

The vicious barbs of critics whose opinions reflect the state of their

rather than an intelligent appreciation of the play.

The irrational antics of leading ladies, such as the incident which occurred

when we were in rehearsal for Hamlet.

The actress playing Ophelia, whom we need not name, I think, refused to start

rehearsal on Thursday because her astrologer informed her that it clashed

her sign.

She was quite adamant about it. So we had to wait until the following Monday.

And she really wasn't worth all the trouble. She was far too old for the

Then there's one's exploitation by ungrateful managers, the malicious

lunatic adulations.

Indeed, the rewards are many.

And, of course, nothing else could ever take its place.

What about those first nights when the audience stands and cheers you?

When they won't let you go at all, they'll keep you coming back for one

call after another.

Ah, yes, that's what makes it rewarding, of course.

There's no price too high to pay for just a... I say, is something the

No.

Nothing, only...

Now, what is it, my

boy?

see it.

See what?

Are you feeling all right, old chap?

I say, what is it?

I'm all right, thank you.

Can't you see her?

What's the matter with you?

Can't you see her when she's right in front of your eyes?

Go away!

Get out!

Get out of here!

You can't threaten me, I'm not having it, so go away!

Get out of here, do you hear me?

Get out, whoever you are, or I'll kill you again!

So it wasn't a ghost after all.

All right, Inspector, your trick worked.

You may come in, Sergeant Boulder.

Mr. Bedford, it's my duty to arrest you and charge you with the murder of Miss

Eleanor Ferguson.

I must also caution you that anything you say may be written down and may be

used in evidence.

You'll have to come along, sir.

Here you are, Bethan.

Very nice resort.

I'm sorry, I was delayed.

What do you mean?

I'd only just a second arrived.

Am I too late?

Good evening again.

Following that little presentation, I'm prepared to continue our safari through

the jungles of Hollywood.

As you can see, I'm ready to hunt for the really big game.

So I've hired a native guide.

He claims to know exactly where the big ones are to be found.

In order to flush the game from its hiding place, we use a pack of fierce

autograph hounds.

Just yesterday, they treed a big boar, and before they could be stopped, they

had torn his dinner jacket to bits.

Now, as an example of the flora and fauna of this area, we present a motion

picture. This picture was shot under incredible conditions.

We were in constant danger of the heat, native attacks and temperamental

outbursts. Five years in the preparation, a year in shooting, all

distilled into one precious minute.

But I see it's time for me to keep an important appointment.

I shall rejoin you following this.

It will only take a minute.

His time is valuable.

I'm afraid I must press on until next week at this same time.

My native bearers are getting restless.

That last commercial frightened them.

Coenga, Macambo.