Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Please do not be alarmed.

Nothing has happened to your television set, nor are you slipping below the

coffee table again.

We've decided to economize.

Everyone had to take a 50 % cut.

I was fortunate. We have an extremely short cameraman who was eliminated

entirely.

We anticipate great savings since we shall be transmitting only half as much

previously. This process also has an educational value.

The very young can cover the top part of the screen and be able to see what

radio programs used to look like.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our next two features, we leave our new

widescreen process and go to the conventionally shaped picture.

It was terrible news I was bringing home.

No Christmas bonus this year.

You can understand how I felt when you think of it as I did.

In the bank at 4 % over the next 20 years.

I was so down on the dumps, I didn't even feel like reading the evening

And it wasn't that some unthinking people said that I was a penny pincher.

I was just a careful man.

But the blackest part of my day was yet to come.

Jennifer!

What is it?

That's the three -way light.

I know it.

Well, we never turn that on, and you're using all three ways.

That's right.

I want a little light in here for a change.

Dinner's ready.

Dear.

Hmm? What is that?

A birthday present.

Oh.

Well, happy birthday, Jennifer. Thank you.

Where did you get that present?

To surprise.

From whom?

From me.

From you?

You mean you bought it for yourself?

That's right.

Oh, but what about our understanding?

Didn't we agree a long time ago that it wasn't necessary to demonstrate our

affection for one another by the extravagant exchange of unnecessary

Don't worry.

I'm not getting anything for you.

That's a steak.

That's all right. You've got your stewed soup meat.

What a steak. We could eat for a week on what that costs.

You could eat for two weeks on what this cost.

What's happened to you?

I mean, you're not acting at all like my Jennifer.

You're taking this birthday business all out of proportion.

This isn't your birthday. Your birthday was two months ago.

I wondered how long it would take you to remember that.

Well, I'm no longer counting that as my birthday.

Today is my birthday.

My real birthday.

Because today, at two o 'clock, I started to live.

Maybe I better go across the street and get the doctor.

Maybe you should.

Because when you hear what I have to say, you may need him.

You see, at two o 'clock this afternoon, I happened to be dusting in the back of

the closet in the bedroom when my dust rag caught on the board.

The board came loose.

And guess what I found?

From six different banks.

I don't add very well, but the answer keeps coming out something over $33

We can't touch any of that. That's for our old age.

My old age began the day after I married you.

When I think of how we've been living all these years, like poverty -stricken

pack rats.

Well, that's all over now.

From now on, we're going to eat like other people and live like other people.

No, no, Jennifer. We can't spend any of that.

I absolutely forbid you.

Forbid?

Are you cheap, miserly, penny -pinching, money -grabbing?

Well, I'm through.

Alexander Gifford, I'm getting a divorce.

A divorce?

And I'll get it.

A nation of affection, that's what it is.

I'm naming money as correspondence.

Divorce?

Oh, no.

That would be a terrible thing.

I didn't want to part with Jennifer.

Not in this community property state.

Divorce could be more costly than marriage.

After all these years, I can't live the way I want to live. I'd rather not live

at all.

It was her idea.

In fact, it was the only sensible solution.

But how does one do this sort of thing?

Where? When?

Certainly not now. I had to play for time.

I hadn't read them all, but I'd read enough to know that I could never bring

myself to commit such acts of violence.

But now my problem became, how does a man like myself, so inexperienced in the

ways of murder, go about it?

I just have to get someone else to do it for me.

How do you do?

I don't know you.

My name is Alexander Gifford. I still don't know you. What do you want?

Well, I realize you're temporarily out of circulation, but would it be asking

too much of you to give me the name of one of your colleagues?

Huh? You see, I'd like to have somebody... bumped off.

What? According to the newspapers, you were a member of Crime Incorporated.

It's a lie.

They didn't prove nothing on medicine. The DA framed me. Now get out of here.

Get him out of here. He's a crook, a raven crook.

He's out of his mind.

I never had anything like it in all my life.

A fellow with a temper like that should be in jail.

New hat?

Mm -hmm.

New dress.

Yes.

I bought it this afternoon.

I'll get it.

Yes? Your name Gifford?

Alexander Gifford?

Yes. I understand you're looking for somebody to make a hit.

I beg your pardon?

Monk sent me.

Monk, county jail.

Said you want somebody rubbed out.

Shh.

I'll make it.

I'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes.

Now, Mr. Gifford, we're experienced in this sort of thing.

We know our business.

There's nothing to it. It's all nice and clean.

Oh, I believe in your applicity.

I was wondering if you could tell me how much it will cost.

I can tell you that exact.

According to the rise of the chipper jazz with the frigid jazz, it's in the

Now, back to the cost.

We've got a standing rake for this sort of thing.

The whole bit, including getting rid of the corpus delicti, only five bills.

Five bills?

In advance, of course.

An eminently fair price.

I accept your proposition.

You know, I'm interested to know how you can perform such services so

reasonably. We depend on the volume business.

Here we are.

One, two, three, four, five.

What's that?

The five dollars.

What five dollars?

Your fee.

I said five bills.

Well? A bill is a C -note.

A yard.

A hundred.

A hundred?

You mean you're asking $500?

Mr.

Gifford, you all right?

I see. It's okay, Mr. Gifford. I understand. I'm a family man with

myself. If you can't afford our rates, it's okay.

But I've got to do something about Jennifer.

Well, look, if you can't afford professional talent, why don't you do it

yourself? No, no, I couldn't. Why not? It's a big craze now, do it yourself.

I've considered it, believe me, but I'm just not a man of violence.

There's nothing to it.

Haven't you ever pushed anybody in a line or on a bus?

Yeah. Same thing.

Only this time she's standing on the edge of a cliff.

No, no, I couldn't.

Look, I saw this one on TV.

A dame did it.

Real cute dame.

She clobbered her old man over the head with a frozen leg of lamb.

At 59 cents a pound?

I don't think she stopped to figure.

Here, look.

This is for you.

You like to tinker with mechanical things around the house.

Well, see this diagram?

Now the fuse is attached right here under the floorboard.

She gets in the car, turns on the ignition, steps on the starter.

Kaboom. The angel thing?

Yeah.

Oh, but wouldn't that damage the car?

Oh, yeah.

Look, I'm trying to help you, but you're making it awful rough.

Well, I don't mean to be difficult, but couldn't we accomplish this without too

much violence?

Well, it's always poison.

It's not my specialty. I don't knock it.

Poison? Yeah, a few drops of something on a glass of water. She'll never know

what hit her.

Yeah.

Oh, but don't you have to sign something when you buy poison?

Not when you get it from my friend Arthur.

Arthur.

Boy, you sure know the right kind of people.

Arthur.

Oh, I beg your pardon. Is your name...

Arthur? Yes?

What do you want?

My name is Gifford, Alexander Gifford. I didn't ask your name.

What do you want?

Well, I was told that I could... Come in, come in. Come in. Closer, my boy.

in.

Yeah, I can't see you.

Come in, boy.

Well, you see, I was told that I could come over to see you and that you'd...

What do you want? Well, I want to get some poison from you.

Poison? Poison from me?

Who told you? I don't know his name. He said he was a friend of Monk McGuinness.

How do I know that I can trust you?

Well... How do I know who you really are?

Well, I can show you my driver's license.

Yeah.

What do you want with boys?

Only to kill my wife.

Oh.

Wife killer.

My first one.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I'm really the best.

My poisons are guaranteed undetectable. Let me show you my scrapbook.

Here, here, just a moment.

Look at this.

Here.

Air is drops dead of exhaustion during tennis match.

Exhaustion.

That was this one.

Right here.

The remaining airs are very grateful to me.

Look at this here.

Industrialist drops dead of apoplexy after signing partnership merger.

Apoplexy.

So now, that was this. It is sweetheart.

Right here.

Look, all I want is... I know what you want.

But how would you like her to go?

Cramps while swimming?

The stroke?

Well, I know.

I've got just the thing for a wife.

She must like perfume.

I call it l 'amour de nightshade.

Just one drop behind each ear.

And... That'll do very nicely. Good.

There'll be $600, please.

$600?

In that instant, it was suddenly clear to me that I was dealing with a

maniac, and I had to get out of there as quickly as possible.

One thing was certain. If I didn't succeed in doing away with her

soon, I would surely do away with myself.

It just couldn't go on.

It just couldn't.

But how could it be stopped?

I decided on poison, but there didn't seem to be any... But there was!

And it wasn't going to cost $600.

The young biologist told me not to let that newspaper story frighten me.

He himself had been working on botulism and had a culture of it.

Botulism, he said, was one of the deadliest of food poisonings. But with

methods of refrigeration and preservation, it practically never

anything outside of the laboratory.

I'm sorry you weren't hungry Alex.

I feel like a pig eating all that ham by myself.

I thought it hadn't worked.

Oh, doctor, thank goodness you got here.

Alex, my wife told me you dropped by.

What is it? If it's those free vitamin samples, I'm all out of them.

It's Jennifer.

What seems to be bothering her?

I don't know.

She's breathing kind of funny. It all started last night. She began seeing

double. Seeing double? And then this morning before I left for work, she

so pale.

Poor Jennifer.

Pale?

Kind of gray.

I stopped off at your house, but you'd already left for the hospital.

For heaven's sake, man, you could have called another doctor. But we've always

gone to you. You're our neighbor, our friend.

Doctor,

doctor, how is she?

Better sit down, Ellie.

I'm afraid it's bad news.

Jennifer's dead. No, she's not.

She's not?

She's very ill, but we mustn't give up hope.

No, no, no, of course not.

Tell me, what did you have for dinner last night?

Well, we had soup, barley soup, of course, lettuce and tomato salad,

no dressing, hamburgers.

No, no, I had the hamburger.

Jennifer insisted on eating the leftover ham.

Leftover ham?

And then for dessert. Never mind that.

That's it.

I'm going to take what's left of that ham and have it analyzed.

I'm certain she's suffering from botulism.

Botulism? Yes.

It's a rare type of food poisoning.

By the way, have you got a paper bag?

Oh, yes, of course.

If only you'd call me loud and nice.

Or even this morning.

But now... There's no hope. Only one.

One? She has an amazing constitution.

If she can last through the night, she might just pull through.

She might.

Don't get your hopes up, Alex. She has very little chance.

Let me know if there's any change.

Yes, of course, Doctor.

Suddenly I felt sad.

I was almost sorry that poor Jennifer had to leave.

It was a frightening sound to hear.

She was actually beginning to snore.

A loud, full, disgustingly healthy snore.

If she can last through the night.

I was afraid she wouldn't make it through the night.

Cause of death, botulism.

Now, what time did you say she stopped breathing?

Stopped breathing?

Oh, uh, it was about 10 .30.

10 .30.

I know this is difficult for you, Alex, but you'll have to give this death

certificate to the undertaker. The undertaker?

Well, naturally, you didn't expect to leave her in there, did you?

Oh, no, of course not.

I just never thought about the funeral. I know, it's a sudden shock.

Yes, it is.

I mean, funerals are expensive.

I'm afraid it will cost you at least $125.

That much?

Plus $35 more for even the cheapest plot.

Oh.

Please accept my sympathy, Alex.

$160.

Jennifer was dead and she was still spending my money.

But I wasn't going to take it lying down.

No, sir.

$160. I should say not.

What could I do?

Where could I turn?

Fifty -five, sixty -five, seventy, seventy -five.

It was inspirational the way I got around the funeral.

The medical school had actually paid me for poor Jennifer.

Seventy -five dollars.

Where

are

you? I'm looking.

Oh, there you are. I couldn't find you. Before our overzealous efficiency expert

blacks me out entirely, I should mention that Mr. Gifford was caught and paid

the supreme penalty.

In his case, a heavy fine.

You see, the moral of tonight's story is the perfect murder should also include

a happy funeral and a decent burial.

And now for the perfect commercial, after which I will return.

I'm certain you'll be delighted to know that we saved enough money tonight so

that next week we shall be able to send you a double exposure.

And now, until then, when I assure you we shall return to television,

good night, wherever you are.