All language subtitles for Alfred Hitchcock s04e26 Cheap Is Cheap

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Please do not be alarmed.

Nothing has happened to your television
set, nor are you slipping below the

coffee table again.

We've decided to economize.

Everyone had to take a 50 % cut.

I was fortunate. We have an extremely
short cameraman who was eliminated

entirely.

We anticipate great savings since we
shall be transmitting only half as much

previously. This process also has an
educational value.

The very young can cover the top part of
the screen and be able to see what

radio programs used to look like.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our
next two features, we leave our new

widescreen process and go to the
conventionally shaped picture.

It was terrible news I was bringing
home.

No Christmas bonus this year.

You can understand how I felt when you
think of it as I did.

In the bank at 4 % over the next 20
years.

I was so down on the dumps, I didn't
even feel like reading the evening

And it wasn't that some unthinking
people said that I was a penny pincher.

I was just a careful man.

But the blackest part of my day was yet
to come.

Jennifer!

What is it?

That's the three -way light.

I know it.

Well, we never turn that on, and you're
using all three ways.

That's right.

I want a little light in here for a
change.

Dinner's ready.

Dear.

Hmm? What is that?

A birthday present.

Oh.

Well, happy birthday, Jennifer. Thank
you.

Where did you get that present?

To surprise.

From whom?

From me.

From you?

You mean you bought it for yourself?

That's right.

Oh, but what about our understanding?

Didn't we agree a long time ago that it
wasn't necessary to demonstrate our

affection for one another by the
extravagant exchange of unnecessary

Don't worry.

I'm not getting anything for you.

That's a steak.

That's all right. You've got your stewed
soup meat.

What a steak. We could eat for a week on
what that costs.

You could eat for two weeks on what this
cost.

What's happened to you?

I mean, you're not acting at all like my
Jennifer.

You're taking this birthday business all
out of proportion.

This isn't your birthday. Your birthday
was two months ago.

I wondered how long it would take you to
remember that.

Well, I'm no longer counting that as my
birthday.

Today is my birthday.

My real birthday.

Because today, at two o 'clock, I
started to live.

Maybe I better go across the street and
get the doctor.

Maybe you should.

Because when you hear what I have to
say, you may need him.

You see, at two o 'clock this afternoon,
I happened to be dusting in the back of

the closet in the bedroom when my dust
rag caught on the board.

The board came loose.

And guess what I found?

From six different banks.

I don't add very well, but the answer
keeps coming out something over $33

We can't touch any of that. That's for
our old age.

My old age began the day after I married
you.

When I think of how we've been living
all these years, like poverty -stricken

pack rats.

Well, that's all over now.

From now on, we're going to eat like
other people and live like other people.

No, no, Jennifer. We can't spend any of
that.

I absolutely forbid you.

Forbid?

Are you cheap, miserly, penny -pinching,
money -grabbing?

Well, I'm through.

Alexander Gifford, I'm getting a
divorce.

A divorce?

And I'll get it.

A nation of affection, that's what it
is.

I'm naming money as correspondence.

Divorce?

Oh, no.

That would be a terrible thing.

I didn't want to part with Jennifer.

Not in this community property state.

Divorce could be more costly than
marriage.

After all these years, I can't live the
way I want to live. I'd rather not live

at all.

It was her idea.

In fact, it was the only sensible
solution.

But how does one do this sort of thing?

Where? When?

Certainly not now. I had to play for
time.

I hadn't read them all, but I'd read
enough to know that I could never bring

myself to commit such acts of violence.

But now my problem became, how does a
man like myself, so inexperienced in the

ways of murder, go about it?

I just have to get someone else to do it
for me.

How do you do?

I don't know you.

My name is Alexander Gifford. I still
don't know you. What do you want?

Well, I realize you're temporarily out
of circulation, but would it be asking

too much of you to give me the name of
one of your colleagues?

Huh? You see, I'd like to have
somebody... bumped off.

What? According to the newspapers, you
were a member of Crime Incorporated.

It's a lie.

They didn't prove nothing on medicine.
The DA framed me. Now get out of here.

Get him out of here. He's a crook, a
raven crook.

He's out of his mind.

I never had anything like it in all my
life.

A fellow with a temper like that should
be in jail.

New hat?

Mm -hmm.

New dress.

Yes.

I bought it this afternoon.

I'll get it.

Yes? Your name Gifford?

Alexander Gifford?

Yes. I understand you're looking for
somebody to make a hit.

I beg your pardon?

Monk sent me.

Monk, county jail.

Said you want somebody rubbed out.

Shh.

I'll make it.

I'll meet you downstairs in a few
minutes.

Now, Mr. Gifford, we're experienced in
this sort of thing.

We know our business.

There's nothing to it. It's all nice and
clean.

Oh, I believe in your applicity.

I was wondering if you could tell me how
much it will cost.

I can tell you that exact.

According to the rise of the chipper
jazz with the frigid jazz, it's in the

Now, back to the cost.

We've got a standing rake for this sort
of thing.

The whole bit, including getting rid of
the corpus delicti, only five bills.

Five bills?

In advance, of course.

An eminently fair price.

I accept your proposition.

You know, I'm interested to know how you
can perform such services so

reasonably. We depend on the volume
business.

Here we are.

One, two, three, four, five.

What's that?

The five dollars.

What five dollars?

Your fee.

I said five bills.

Well? A bill is a C -note.

A yard.

A hundred.

A hundred?

You mean you're asking $500?

Mr.

Gifford, you all right?

I see. It's okay, Mr. Gifford. I
understand. I'm a family man with

myself. If you can't afford our rates,
it's okay.

But I've got to do something about
Jennifer.

Well, look, if you can't afford
professional talent, why don't you do it

yourself? No, no, I couldn't. Why not?
It's a big craze now, do it yourself.

I've considered it, believe me, but I'm
just not a man of violence.

There's nothing to it.

Haven't you ever pushed anybody in a
line or on a bus?

Yeah. Same thing.

Only this time she's standing on the
edge of a cliff.

No, no, I couldn't.

Look, I saw this one on TV.

A dame did it.

Real cute dame.

She clobbered her old man over the head
with a frozen leg of lamb.

At 59 cents a pound?

I don't think she stopped to figure.

Here, look.

This is for you.

You like to tinker with mechanical
things around the house.

Well, see this diagram?

Now the fuse is attached right here
under the floorboard.

She gets in the car, turns on the
ignition, steps on the starter.

Kaboom. The angel thing?

Yeah.

Oh, but wouldn't that damage the car?

Oh, yeah.

Look, I'm trying to help you, but you're
making it awful rough.

Well, I don't mean to be difficult, but
couldn't we accomplish this without too

much violence?

Well, it's always poison.

It's not my specialty. I don't knock it.

Poison? Yeah, a few drops of something
on a glass of water. She'll never know

what hit her.

Yeah.

Oh, but don't you have to sign something
when you buy poison?

Not when you get it from my friend
Arthur.

Arthur.

Boy, you sure know the right kind of
people.

Arthur.

Oh, I beg your pardon. Is your name...

Arthur? Yes?

What do you want?

My name is Gifford, Alexander Gifford. I
didn't ask your name.

What do you want?

Well, I was told that I could... Come
in, come in. Come in. Closer, my boy.

in.

Yeah, I can't see you.

Come in, boy.

Well, you see, I was told that I could
come over to see you and that you'd...

What do you want? Well, I want to get
some poison from you.

Poison? Poison from me?

Who told you? I don't know his name. He
said he was a friend of Monk McGuinness.

How do I know that I can trust you?

Well... How do I know who you really
are?

Well, I can show you my driver's
license.

Yeah.

What do you want with boys?

Only to kill my wife.

Oh.

Wife killer.

My first one.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I'm really the best.

My poisons are guaranteed undetectable.
Let me show you my scrapbook.

Here, here, just a moment.

Look at this.

Here.

Air is drops dead of exhaustion during
tennis match.

Exhaustion.

That was this one.

Right here.

The remaining airs are very grateful to
me.

Look at this here.

Industrialist drops dead of apoplexy
after signing partnership merger.

Apoplexy.

So now, that was this. It is sweetheart.

Right here.

Look, all I want is... I know what you
want.

But how would you like her to go?

Cramps while swimming?

The stroke?

Well, I know.

I've got just the thing for a wife.

She must like perfume.

I call it l 'amour de nightshade.

Just one drop behind each ear.

And... That'll do very nicely. Good.

There'll be $600, please.

$600?

In that instant, it was suddenly clear
to me that I was dealing with a

maniac, and I had to get out of there as
quickly as possible.

One thing was certain. If I didn't
succeed in doing away with her

soon, I would surely do away with
myself.

It just couldn't go on.

It just couldn't.

But how could it be stopped?

I decided on poison, but there didn't
seem to be any... But there was!

And it wasn't going to cost $600.

The young biologist told me not to let
that newspaper story frighten me.

He himself had been working on botulism
and had a culture of it.

Botulism, he said, was one of the
deadliest of food poisonings. But with

methods of refrigeration and
preservation, it practically never

anything outside of the laboratory.

I'm sorry you weren't hungry Alex.

I feel like a pig eating all that ham by
myself.

I thought it hadn't worked.

Oh, doctor, thank goodness you got here.

Alex, my wife told me you dropped by.

What is it? If it's those free vitamin
samples, I'm all out of them.

It's Jennifer.

What seems to be bothering her?

I don't know.

She's breathing kind of funny. It all
started last night. She began seeing

double. Seeing double? And then this
morning before I left for work, she

so pale.

Poor Jennifer.

Pale?

Kind of gray.

I stopped off at your house, but you'd
already left for the hospital.

For heaven's sake, man, you could have
called another doctor. But we've always

gone to you. You're our neighbor, our
friend.

Doctor,

doctor, how is she?

Better sit down, Ellie.

I'm afraid it's bad news.

Jennifer's dead. No, she's not.

She's not?

She's very ill, but we mustn't give up
hope.

No, no, no, of course not.

Tell me, what did you have for dinner
last night?

Well, we had soup, barley soup, of
course, lettuce and tomato salad,

no dressing, hamburgers.

No, no, I had the hamburger.

Jennifer insisted on eating the leftover
ham.

Leftover ham?

And then for dessert. Never mind that.

That's it.

I'm going to take what's left of that
ham and have it analyzed.

I'm certain she's suffering from
botulism.

Botulism? Yes.

It's a rare type of food poisoning.

By the way, have you got a paper bag?

Oh, yes, of course.

If only you'd call me loud and nice.

Or even this morning.

But now... There's no hope. Only one.

One? She has an amazing constitution.

If she can last through the night, she
might just pull through.

She might.

Don't get your hopes up, Alex. She has
very little chance.

Let me know if there's any change.

Yes, of course, Doctor.

Suddenly I felt sad.

I was almost sorry that poor Jennifer
had to leave.

It was a frightening sound to hear.

She was actually beginning to snore.

A loud, full, disgustingly healthy
snore.

If she can last through the night.

I was afraid she wouldn't make it
through the night.

Cause of death, botulism.

Now, what time did you say she stopped
breathing?

Stopped breathing?

Oh, uh, it was about 10 .30.

10 .30.

I know this is difficult for you, Alex,
but you'll have to give this death

certificate to the undertaker. The
undertaker?

Well, naturally, you didn't expect to
leave her in there, did you?

Oh, no, of course not.

I just never thought about the funeral.
I know, it's a sudden shock.

Yes, it is.

I mean, funerals are expensive.

I'm afraid it will cost you at least
$125.

That much?

Plus $35 more for even the cheapest
plot.

Oh.

Please accept my sympathy, Alex.

$160.

Jennifer was dead and she was still
spending my money.

But I wasn't going to take it lying
down.

No, sir.

$160. I should say not.

What could I do?

Where could I turn?

Fifty -five, sixty -five, seventy,
seventy -five.

It was inspirational the way I got
around the funeral.

The medical school had actually paid me
for poor Jennifer.

Seventy -five dollars.

Where

are

you? I'm looking.

Oh, there you are. I couldn't find you.
Before our overzealous efficiency expert

blacks me out entirely, I should mention
that Mr. Gifford was caught and paid

the supreme penalty.

In his case, a heavy fine.

You see, the moral of tonight's story is
the perfect murder should also include

a happy funeral and a decent burial.

And now for the perfect commercial,
after which I will return.

I'm certain you'll be delighted to know
that we saved enough money tonight so

that next week we shall be able to send
you a double exposure.

And now, until then, when I assure you
we shall return to television,

good night, wherever you are.