Original subtitles

Good evening, television viewers.

Before we continue with tonight's motion picture, allow me to call your

attention to some of the bargains available in our used rocket division

Honest Alfreds.

All our rockets are late one -owner models with very low mileage.

In fact, some never even got off the ground.

They are also simple to operate, provided you know how to count to one.

Listen to these typical bargains. A vanguard rocket complete with extras.

This exceptional bargain traveled only 250 miles before

falling into the water off Cape Canaveral.

Or perhaps you'd be interested in a late model Thor.

which still has the original mouse in its nose cone.

But now for our movie. It is a one -minute condensation of a

1935 hit.

How was the party, John?

It was expensive, that's how it was.

It's a good thing we only have an anniversary once a year.

I wonder what there is to celebrate anyway.

It don't pay to get excited, John. Who's excited?

My wife acted perfectly normal. You could hear her purr through the whole

performance like a rattlesnake in a small paper bag.

Get me some water, Dad.

And when the party's over out at the country club, I walk out into the lobby

just as nice as you please, and I say to the manager, send me the bill. Just as

simple as that.

But not for Dorothy.

Why don't you pay the man now, she says.

What are we, a couple of paupers, John? Right in front of everybody.

I could have killed her right there.

I could have stuffed her big mouth with that $60 hand of hers.

That's $1 ,000 I could have turned over on this lot two or three times before I

even got the bill.

I'll go get some hamburgers, John.

What do I want with hamburgers? I just had lamb chops for $482.

Nice cup of coffee, John? You always feel better with a nice cup of coffee.

Yeah, I guess so.

Look at this one here.

No, no, no, no. Nice paint job, huh?

Yeah, what's that got to do with what we want it for? What's wrong with it? It's

empty. It's too loose.

That's nice.

Very nice.

Okay, how about this one here?

Look, it's too much money.

You're a drag.

Hey, this is real nice. It's wonderful, and it's beautiful, but what are you

going to pay for it with?

Okay, all right.

Come here, look at this one. This is nice.

Low down payment. Can I help you, Paul?

Oh, you're Mr. Forbes. My name is Lester. I'm from the City College.

friend Harry. Hi, Harry. Hey, we're throwing kind of a bazaar. You know what

mean? A carnival. And you want me to take a chance on an automobile.

Look, I've got 182 cars on the lot now.

No, we were looking for an old jalopy.

One you could hit with a sledgehammer.

For what?

Like, you know, three shots for a quarter, man. You know, dynamo.

Guys like to show how strong they are. That's just another human failing, sir.

The occasional need to destroy.

See, our psychology prof suggested it for our carnival. He said the quarters

would be bound to roll in.

How much you got to spend?

Oh, we got $50.

Half a yard.

That's about enough to buy four used tires if there's any rubber left on them

all. Never mind the car to go with it. Oh, sir, this is a very important

to us.

We're going to give a small donation to our library fund.

You can't make it cultural.

Yeah, very uplifting.

You'll be a patron of the arts.

Well, come back Friday. I'll see if I can't find some loan for you to use. Oh,

hey.

You're all right, Mr. Forbes. Hey, sit around like a donut, huh?

Nice kids, but lunatics.

They want something low they can pound into junk with a sledgehammer.

Eh, just one of those things.

Enough sugar in here?

If I tell them to take their lousy 50 bucks and go buy a pair of roller

then I lose the college trade. So what are you going to do?

If I'm not here Friday when they come back, give them that green .48 coupe,

one with the transmission gone.

I couldn't unload that for more than 80 bucks anyway.

I'd be just as well off if I wholesale everything on this lot and got out of

this business once and for all.

What's in it for me?

Oh, don't worry, Dad. I wouldn't be dumping you.

My wife costs me more in that beauty parlor every week than you get in your

whole pay envelope.

It ain't easy at my age, John. Nobody wants to take you on when you're this

Not that I can't be useful.

Not that I don't move around like I was only half my age.

I know. I heard you.

I'll take care of you.

Just forget what I said, Dad.

You got nothing to worry about.

Oh, Dad, your wife is here with your lunch.

Hello, Mr. Farr.

Now, what does a nice old gal like that have to wait outside for?

Kitty? Yeah, why don't you ever ask her in?

Kitty don't like to come in the office during business hours, John.

Don't mix business with pleasure, Kitty and I always say.

Pleasure after 47 years?

Kitty needs to write these days.

Getting old, you know.

But her and I would get along pretty good.

Excuse me, John.

You looking for John, Mrs. Forbes?

Yes. He's in the office.

Do you always call him John?

Yes, ma 'am.

Excuse me.

A trip to New Zealand to see your cousin Nan.

The day after our anniversary party, I have to get hit with that.

There's no use in raising your voice, John.

I've already called the travel agency, and I'm determined to get away.

Then you just get down off that high -octane horse and call the agency back.

Tell them your husband can't afford a trip to New Zealand.

And keep your big mouth shut about this till you find friends in the country

club.

I'm telling you, Dorothy, the answer is no.

If you advertise it that you're going and then you don't, they'll think I've

money problems.

I can't afford that now when business is slow.

First thing you know, the bank will tighten up on me.

Thanks for the suggestion.

What suggestion?

The value of publicity, darling.

I'll let you figure that one out.

Oh, Zealand.

I'll get her a one -way ticket right out of Cape Canaveral.

Zoom!

She's got her pants right off the man on the moon.

Did you ever hear of a woman like that? With me and Hop and things so slow in

the lot?

I've got to cut expenses.

Who am I working for anyway? The country club? The department stores? The

steamship lines?

I'd be better off collecting a salary from some other poor slob. For motor

fails.

You got a walk?

A 53 coupe, nice and clean?

Well, that's exactly what you told me about that mobile hen coupe you tried to

unload on me last week.

All right, we'll be over, Murph.

But I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't give you more than five bills for a 53

if you loaded it with blondes.

Okay.

That was Eddie Murphy. They took a 53 coupe on a trade.

Go over and pick it up.

I've got to get back to the house before the Empress takes off with the country

club and starts to blab about New Zealand.

That's all I need.

Oh, if that car's any good, bring it on out to the house.

Take the car over to the garage and have them check the universal joint.

I can hear it clanking all the way over. You need gas, John.

I've got enough to take me home.

Okay.

All right, so I'm a slob without the social graces.

I'm a meatball married to a dime store queen.

Why do you bother changing?

If you're going to act like an orangutan, you might as well look like

I'm asking you for the last time to get your car out of the driveway. It's

blocking mine.

And I'm telling you for the last time, you're not going there alone.

Any speeches made at the country club tonight will be made by me.

And if you so much as open your mouth about that cruise to New Zealand, I'll

tell them you haven't got the price to take a tin canoe up McCluskey's Creek.

Good evening, Mrs. Borg.

You come back here!

I'm sorry for your troubles, John.

It ain't my business, understand, but it's not the way a woman should act.

all I told her, after everything I said... Get her out of the gas in that

like I told you it was almost dry.

Let her run out of gas.

I hope she has a six -mile hike in her open -toed shoes.

Oh, I better pick her up. Pour yourself a drink and watch TV.

I'll be 20 minutes, maybe half an hour.

Well, I'm back. I didn't see my wife.

Pour me a drink.

I had an accident.

Did you hear what I said? I had an accident.

Anybody hurt much, John? You run into a car?

No, it wasn't a car. It was somebody walking out on Mosley Road.

A person's got no right to be walking after a dark along the road like that.

You better take that car right back to the lot now.

We were here all night, right in this room. Just the two of us.

We were watching TV, understand?

Come on.

Don't put the lights on yet.

Come in.

Funny how it got busted.

I don't know if somebody threw a rock at me or if a bear jumped out and bit a

hole in it.

You know what I mean?

I've got a pair of 53 headlights on the lot.

You take care of this, Dad, and I'll take care of you.

I figured you'd take care of me, John.

You told me that before.

Sorry to bother you at this time, Mr. Ford. Well, that's all right. I

you fellows have your jobs to do.

Look, is that the one over there, Pop?

Man, that must be the car. Oh, wow.

It didn't take three years to knock the fenders off a tree.

Come on, how about it, Pop?

The fenders off of this. Come on, how about it, Pop?

No, boys, not this one.

Got a souped -up motor and overdrive. The boss has got a couple of parties in.

Oh, you're kidding.

Now, come along. I'll show you.

What do you got in your mind, Todd? Well, now, look.

Take this one.

For 50 bucks? You're kidding.

The rear end of the transmission is shot. Now, the boss says if you take it

now, you're going to have it for your carnival.

Thanks, Bob. Thanks a lot.

Hey, I'll grab your... We estimate

that

your wife was knocked about 30 feet into that clumpy shrubbery, Mr. Forbes.

Hit and run, you figure?

Yes and no.

Whoever it was sure ran.

there were some interesting tire tracks along the shoulder of the road.

Someone could have taken dead aims.

Do you think that's possible?

Anything is possible, Mr. Ford.

But we checked the tire tracks.

They don't match those of your car or your wife.

Come on, get it going.

Hey, Pops. You know what's the matter?

This thing won't run. The battery's dead. Oh, there's nothing the matter.

get going, that's all, and back it out of here. Come on, Lester. Give me a job.

Try it again.

I understand that you were home last night.

Yes, that's right. I was home all night.

Was anyone with you?

Yes, Dad was.

He's the man that works for me.

He came over a little while after my wife left.

What for?

To keep me company.

Have a couple of drinks.

I'm not much for the country club.

All right, Mr. Forbes.

I guess that's all for now.

Thanks for your help. That's all right.

Is that the right mileage on this 56?

One thing we never do is change the speedometer.

Not a bad buy at that price.

Hey, Buck.

Where were you last night?

Me? I was out with John.

What time were you there?

Oh, after 5 .30. I guess I stayed till 10 o 'clock.

What did you do out there?

Oh, we had some drinks and watched some television.

Two westerns and a giveaway.

Come on, Lex, give me a shot. John's very nice about those things. I had a

chicken leg, some olives, and a half box of candy.

Was Mr. Forbes there all night?

Sure he was there. He and me together. We had a ball.

Okay, come on. Come on.

All right,

Pop. Thanks.

I may call on you later to make an official.

Charlie?

You think it went all right? It went better than that, Dad.

Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

I have to get back to the undertaker now. Make it look good with the

You don't have to worry about that car no more.

I don't?

Them college boys is just here.

They just bought that problem for 50 bucks.

I keep it, Dad.

Why do you think I got it for you?

How much was it?

Never mind how much you want.

It didn't steal it, did you?

No.

Here,

come on, come on.

It's a nice carnival, huh?

Yes, it is.

Mr. Forbes was very nice to me when I see you this afternoon.

He said you don't have to worry anymore about your job.

John said that, huh?

Well, I guess that's the least he could say now.

Bye. Mr. Forbes gave me ten dollars.

Ten dollars for what?

He said we might have a real nice time at the carnival. I thought maybe we

eat here tonight.

At the carnival, Dad.

Well, maybe we will.

Come inside and see the death car. Only 50 cents. Three shots for 50 cents.

All right, folks, come on, gather around. You only get three shots for a

rock now. Come on, step inside.

Come on, shake the angel cake out of your blood. Come on, see how strong you

are. Step up. Come on inside.

You know, maybe the last chance you'll ever have to see that death car.

Well, let's go inside. Come on, that way. Come on inside. Come on in now.

on, 50 cents. Only 50 cents. Three shots for 50 cents. Come on, come on inside.

Come on, get out of here.

Thank you very much. Who'll be next? Step right up, sir. Step right up, sir.

Thank you, sir. Roll your sleeve up a little higher so the ladies can see that

pretty tattoo.

This may be modern man's last chance to strike back at the Industrial

Revolution, so right this man's own.

to worry about that car no more.

You couldn't tell us from a plate of pizzas.

You didn't talk to anybody about it, did you? Who, me?

Why would I talk?

After all, we're kind of partners now.

You know what I mean?

No, what do you mean?

I mean, I wouldn't want to mention that busted headlight, except a man my age,

he's got to be practical.

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

You said you'd take care of me.

You told me you would.

Listen, John, I never said a word to a soul.

All right, Pop.

Carnival's over.

You better come with us. You fellas are kidding, huh?

Yeah, that's right, Pop.

We're playing a game.

The same as you were Wednesday night when you ran over Mrs. Forbes on Mosley

Road.

I'm telling you, fellas, I was out of your house. We had some drinks and we

watched a show. No, Pop.

You got there after Mrs. Forbes left.

You saw her walking along the shoulder of the road. And you knocked her off

a ten pin.

He did it.

He killed her.

He didn't give away a $500 crate for 50 bucks, Pop.

Not so that some crazy kids could whack it into junk.

We checked with the boys at the college.

But I'm telling you, he hated her. You've got to listen to me. We're not

checking into Mr. Forbes' love life, Pop.

The fact of the matter is, he didn't have a broken headlight hidden in his

house. At least, not one that matched the glass we found on Mosley Road.

Come on, Pop.

Get in!

Get in!

Get in!

Did you hear Dad?

Was he calling me?

Oh, I'm not sure. He might have been.

He's been a good husband to me, Dad has.

We ate out tonight, the two of us.

I want to thank you for the $10, Mr. Forbes.

That headlight you asked me about today, I never asked him why he had it hid.

I get so nervous at night when I can't find Dad.

Would you take care of him?

I'm sorry to say that Honest Alfred's Cold War surplus store has been forced

close. Our buyers just didn't keep up their monthly payments, and it was

difficult for us to get in touch with them after they got into orbit.

Here is news from a more successful entrepreneur, after which I shall

By the way, those of you who witnessed tonight's crime will be glad to learn

that the party who perpetrated it has been justly punished.

I refer not to the recent commercial, but to John Forbes' murder of his wife.

When I last heard, the person responsible for the commercial was still

The big ones always get away.

Next week I shall be back with another story.

Until then...

Good night.