Original subtitles

Good morning.

Hey, welcome to the club.

What club?

The To Hell With Everyone Let's Sleep Till Noon Club.

Want to go out for breakfast and make fun of the losers having lunch?

No, for your information, I worked all night at the hospital.

Oh, right, you're new.

Trust me, eventually the need to justify sleeping the day away leaves entirely.

Well, well, look who's finally awake. I was up all night studying.

I was talking to Kate.

Right? She's not even dressed.

No, look, I was working at the... Oh, forget it.

Oh, we finally have some food in the house.

Well, why didn't you be one of the nurses working the graveyard shift?

Honey, it is not politically correct to say that when you're talking about a

hospital.

Okay, then why do you have to be one of the health care providers working the

graveyard shift?

Well, with all the cutbacks, I just feel like it's risky to give up any

rotation. Mom, you're no fun anymore.

I'm fun?

Well, just yesterday I made those English muffin pizzas.

Yeah, your regular mom's gone wild.

Look, you guys think I like working this much?

I'm really torn up about this.

Well, don't stress, baby girl. You've got two strong men here to help carry

load. Right, Rory?

You know, I actually do need somebody to give Carrie a driving lesson.

Ah, well, Rory can handle that.

Oh, Come on, Kate, do I have to? I mean, Carrie is mean. I've never seen such

raw, naked hostility since, you know... The Korean War?

No, your mother.

Listen, Carrie's brand of intimidation may work on Billy Goat Gruff over there,

but she don't scare me.

Hey, what do you got to sign up?

Nothing. Hey, you look nice today.

Mom, Rachel's coming over.

Rachel? Rachel Sharp?

Yeah, what's it to you?

Nothing. She hasn't been over in a real long time.

I know. She said she felt like a third wheel with me and Kyle.

It's not fun.

I don't know how many times I've been with a guy and a girl, and they look at

like, what are you doing here?

It sucks, especially when the chick's my girlfriend.

Rachel deserves a guy who appreciates her.

Whoa.

Just saying.

I'm going off myth here, remember?

Yeah, but who can resist an older woman with experience?

I can. It gets easier every day.

I said I'm not interested in Rachel.

Grandpa, can you help me with my homework? I have to memorize the

the Constitution.

Oh, you know what? Smart.

Get someone who was there when they were ready.

You know, I just hope Jenna doesn't drive Rachel over. She's so annoying,

selfish, superficial, totally obsessed with her looks and how many guys like

her. I mean, he talks endlessly about things nobody really cares about. Who

wants to be around someone like that?

And that, Rory, is why me and the guys put in the Fifth Amendment.

I do not!

Can you look me in the eyes and say that?

If I bend my knees.

You so love Rachel and know I'm right. No, you're... Okay, you're right.

I am?

I can't explain it. She's sort of my perfect woman.

She's nice, smart, pretty, even though she doesn't know it. She makes her even

prettier. God, that's what Mom always says about me.

Yeah, but I mean it.

God, you won't say anything to her, will you? No, why would I?

Promise. Look, it would embarrass you, it would embarrass her, and frankly, I'm

more than a little grossed out by it.

Out.

Door.

Rach, you want to laugh?

Bridget, Danielle called.

Oh, she's so annoying. Self is superficial.

Obsessed with her looks, with voice, talks too much, et cetera, et cetera.

How did you know?

Bridget, when you point your finger at someone, there are three pointing back

you, see?

No, Grandpa, no one's pointing at you.

No, no, no. What I'm saying is when you point your finger at someone, there are

three fingers pointing back at you. Go on, try it.

Hey, it works.

Well, yeah, now that all three of you are pointing at me.

Ah, forget it.

Rachel's on her way over.

Well, honey, don't you think it's a little late for visitors?

No, it's not.

Well,

look, now that I have you all here, I have something very important to

This came in the mail today.

It is a receipt for a deposit that your father put down on the cabin at the

lake. He made the reservation over a year ago.

Dad loved the cabin at the lake. Yeah, it's the first year without him.

Yeah, and this is difficult for me.

With all the extra hours that I'm taking at the hospital, I just don't think

that we should spend your spring break at the cabin.

And I know this is going to bring up a lot of emotions, so I'd like to suggest

vote. Yes or no?

No.

Anonymously. Okay, let's do it that way now.

Remember those car rides to the cabin? No radio allowed.

Yeah, Dad getting all rustic. Ew.

That singing, I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger all the way.

Till, would you rather it was a hundred bottles of beer on the wall?

Yeah, anything shorter.

Now look, you guys, is this okay with you? I mean... Yes.

Can I just finish my sentence?

I mean, the cabin at the lake is a long -standing Hennessy family tradition.

And I just really think we should take the time to think about this to be sure.

No.

Okay. As long as you know.

The end of an era.

So, in the spirit of moving on, can Bridget and I go to the May Festival?

What's that?

Well, it's a celebration of the Celtic goddess May, which, of course, is very

significant to someone named Lucy.

She means me. Tons of guys think I'm a goddess.

Anyway, it's a three -day cultural gathering to embrace the oneness of

You said there'd be rock bands.

Oh, no, no, no. You are not going to a rock festival.

You're damn straight.

Tell him about Woodstock, Kate.

Dad.

C .J.'s mom went to Woodstock and did a lot of silly things. In a lot of

different tints.

My ears are burning. Is someone talking about me?

If he loved my ass, he's never stopped costing us.

Okay, but the May Festival is more than a rock festival. It's a spiritual event.

It just attracts a bad element.

A bad element? Maybe I'll go.

Don't help us.

Aunt Kate, I tell you what. Why don't I chaperone these two and you can pay me?

CJ, taco burrito conversation and nachos.

You're just jealous because you can't go, and I've been to more festivals than

can count.

I've met Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Neil Young.

I've dropped some pretty heavy names. I'm going to pause and let you pick them

up.

Mom, give us one good reason why you don't want us there. Oh, actually, I'll

give you three.

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Sold!

Well, why can't we go if CJ gets to go? Because I said so.

Burrito finito.

Oh.

Mom, this isn't fair. I said not another word.

Mom, there's something you should know.

Since Dad left, the music's gone out of our lives, and we thought we could

recapture that music by going to the Maeve Festival.

Oh, Bridge.

That's the most moving crock I've ever heard.

What happened?

I said it all right. You were supposed to well up here.

Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Mom, can't you be reasonable?

Let's go on our journey.

Oh, you're going on a journey, all right. But you're going to start your

spiritual quest visiting Grandma in Sarasota. How is visiting Grandma

You know, for lots of people.

Sarasota is the last stop before heaven.

Isn't that right, Grand Snappy?

You know what, C .J.? Nah, he's right.

Come on, you haven't visited Grandma in a long time.

Yeah, well, I haven't seen her in a long time either. You don't hear me

complaining.

And now here's the deal. I am not going to let you just hang out around the

house for a week. You're going to have a fun, safe vacation.

Well, how come Rory doesn't have to go visit Grandma?

Rory is going to be with Grandpa. They're going to go to the Tigers game

night. What?

Hey, girls, enchilada, piñata.

Come on, please. You are going to Grandma's. That's final. Like you ever

chance otherwise.

Oh, speaking of never having a chance, here comes your perfect woman.

You promised not to tell.

I may have told Bridget, but I didn't tell Rachel. It's no betrayal.

Hi, Bridget. Hi, Carrie.

Hi, Rory.

Houston, we have betrayal.

Dad?

What happened?

I just got off the phone with your mother. You better sit down.

Oh, my God. Is she... A tramp, yes.

She's shacking up with her boyfriend Paco. Oh, thank God. I thought it was

something even more terrible than that.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, he's living there.

You know what that spells?

Hanky Panky.

Uh, Dad, nobody says hanky -panky anymore.

Well, I didn't want to say nookie in front of a lady.

Actually, nobody says nookie anymore either.

That's right, Kate.

Euphemisms are my big problem right now.

Sorry. Well, I'm concerned. I mean, your mother's developed a history of jumping

from one relationship to the next.

But, Dad, she was married to you for almost 50 years.

And now she's with Paco.

Am I the only one that sees a pattern here?

None of this makes sense. When I called to set up the girl's travel plans, she

never even mentioned it.

Well, I found out by accident. I called her condo, and this big husky truck

driver voice answered.

Paco? No, your mother.

Sorry.

While I was talking to her, Sergio Mendez asked her where she put his

Speedos? Paco is 82.

The story just keeps getting uglier.

I'm off to the Maeve.

Three days of sun, fun, and communal bathing.

Except this time, I won't be the only one naked.

Look at this.

Girls, I'm with the band.

What are you doing out here?

I can't go in.

Rachel's over again.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, don't shoot the messenger, but word around campus is Carrie wants to

apologize. Tell her I'm not talking to her. Hey, whoa.

Look, uh...

The thing is, I'm not really a messenger.

Although I do have some feelers out. So keep your fingers crossed.

Don't you get it? She humiliated me. I can't show my face around Rachel again.

Why? Because a girl found out you like her?

Dude, it happens.

Not like she caught you kissing her doorknob.

Don't do that.

No one.

And you know I would have driven you to the airport, but I got called in for

work. Oh, Mom, it's okay. Kyle's glad to do it. All right.

Now have fun at Grandma's.

I'm going to miss you so much.

I miss you already.

I miss you more.

Well, bye.

Okay. See ya.

You and your mom are so close. Oh, God, so we're going to the Maeve Festival.

What happens when Mom finds out? Oh, she doesn't ever have to find out.

What are you thinking?

What I'm thinking is, all we have to do, come up with a plan.

That's what you're thinking?

Yeah, I came up with the hard part. You got something better?

I don't know why you guys want to go to the Maeve Festival.

I hear it's a gathering of militant, hairy -legged, man -hating feminists.

Oh, great.

Carrie, it's going to be all your friends.

Okay, so we don't go.

Should we tell CJ?

Tell CJ what?

I did. My knees.

You know, there's something I want to talk to you girls about that's very

important. Me too.

Taco burrito, scramble.

What do you want to talk about? A rather big subject that you may be familiar

with, betrayal.

Oh, God, Grandpa. You want me to apologize to Rory? No, I want you to

away from Grandma.

What?

Carrie, I'm appealing to you as a concerned family member. I'm not asking

manipulate. I'm not asking you to take sides.

Well, I won't do it.

All right, fair enough. Bridget, how about you?

You like me better than you do Grandma, right?

I like you better than Carrie.

Fine, whatever.

Ah, great. You know, it's beautiful when families pull together.

Sure. Get it yourself.

Okay, so, are you going to apologize to Rory?

He's feeling pretty bad. Well, he won't talk to me. Well, I don't blame him. You

know, you're mean and gossip all the time.

Me? You use it like currency.

Um, you're confusing situations where I take factual events that actually happen

to people in order to point out their disgusting flaws. Believe me, I take no

pleasure in it.

Who thinks you just protest too much?

Me think? I believe it's I think.

What I'm saying is, when you point a finger at someone, there's three

back at you. Oh, that won't work. There's not enough people in the room.

See? Oh, my God.

That's what that means?

So the faults I find in others are the things I hate about myself.

That's the general idea.

No. Anyways, you hurt our little brother, and not in a good way, so go

Fine. You know, and why don't you take a good look at yourself in the mirror?

Oh, you know, never a problem.

What does it look like?

By the way, I forgive you for telling Rachel.

Rachel, can I work with you? I'm sorry, but her mouth is busy. Now!

I'll be outside.

We'll pick this up when... Go!

Have you lost your mind?

He's such a good kisser.

Okay,

this never happened. But it did.

Not if we really believe that it didn't say it.

This never happened? I can't hear you! This never happened!

Oh, Rach, I'm waiting.

Be right there.

We done?

Okay, that never happened either.

Hello,

Rory. Rachel Sharp, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?

Hey, are you gonna finish that?

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

I had a pretty hot evening.

If you know what I mean.

Well, Rachel Sharp came over and one thing led to another.

If you know what I mean.

Wait,

you lost me.

Rachel and I made out for a very long time.

If you know what I mean.

You think I'm an idiot.

It's true.

Ouch, that hurt.

No, I mean about making out with Rachel.

Yeah, right.

That's scary.

Now, you remember, you spend all your time with Grandma, and whatever you do,

don't call anyone Uncle Paco.

Okay. If you should happen to get frightened in the middle of the night,

hesitate to crawl in bed with her.

Yeah, well.

Tell that to the father of our country.

A dollar?

You're giving me a dollar to sleep with Grandma?

It's been a long time. I don't know what the going rate is.

Yeah, but did CJ leave for the May Festival? Oh, yeah, hours ago.

He said he was hitching all the way.

Oh, actually, he's still standing on the curb with his thumb out.

Yeah, I know.

Well, we better get going to the airport.

Wait, wait, wait.

Ask Carrie about me and Rachel. Go on, ask.

Oh.

Carrie, did Rory make out with Rachel?

Never happened.

I figured.

Hey, whoa, everyone leave without saying bye to Cousin CJ.

Hey, can I catch a ride with you?

No problem.

Having a little trouble catching a ride, are you, CJ?

Yeah, people slow down, but nobody stops.

Yeah, well, just put on a big smile every time one gets close.

Yeah, and I'd take the sign off your backpack.

Son, no longer contagious.

That's cute, Grandpa.

No one's pulled that one on me since third grade.

Hey, wait, it's the same handwriting.

You know, I said you could start the car, not actually drive.

You know, you're getting a little... Never mind, you're doing fine.

This is the first plane trip we've taken without our parent.

Yeah, first ever without Dad.

Well, you know there's a way you can take Papa H with you.

In our heart? No, in your stomach.

My dad told me about this place where they named a sandwich after him.

Our dad's been memorialized? On white wheat rye.

Roy, your girlfriend called.

Rachel? Yep.

Or did she say Missy?

It wasn't Rachel.

Think, man, think.

Could have been Sarah. Do you know a Sarah?

No. That's too bad. I always liked the name Sarah.

Grandpa, I've been waiting for this call all day.

Yeah, all right, all right, just hold it. It was, uh, Missy. Yep, Missy, I'm

sure of it.

Man, maybe it's an older woman thing not to answer messages right away.

I hear they play by a different rule.

Eh, they don't have rules. They live by whim and impulse, trampling sweet

memories into dust.

Still thinking about Grandma?

No, why?

Guys, let's hurry. We have a plane to fly.

I'm picking up three Paul Hennessey's on ride for Kyle.

You're Tommy's kid, aren't you? Uh -huh.

Let's see the money.

Wait, look, there's a picture of Dad with Kirk Gibson.

And another one with Mom?

No, I think that's Larry Bird.

Look, that's Mom over there with some guy.

Oh, my God, Mom's cheating on Dad. Right underneath his sandwich.

I'm up for air ride, old Chuck.

Look, okay, maybe we're just jumping to conclusions.

She's in a bar with some guy when she said she was at work. How much more

evidence do you need?

Hey, everybody.

I'm in love.

Okay, we're good.

Let's get out of here.

26, 27... Kyle, hurry!

What the... Oh, great.

5, 10, 15... Hey!

You forgot your sandwiches!