Original subtitles

Oh, Dad, I am impressed.

You did a great job fixing up that basement.

You sure you're going to be okay down there by yourself? I'm a big boy. I'll

fine. I think Rory might miss me sleeping in his room. You know, our

midnight chats.

Okay, Gramps, here's the rest of your crap.

Thank God I can sleep again.

Grandma would tell you you smell like an elephant.

She has magazines, Kate.

Mom, CJ's still in the shower. It's been 45 minutes. He's given up all the hot

water. Yeah, now we have two blondes in this house who think they own the

bathroom.

Great, I haven't had my shower, and I like my shower.

Yeah, I like my shower, too. Oh, we know you do.

Mother, you have got to do something. Jeremy is tutoring me today. I still do

hair, my makeup practice, my brainy pose in the mirror.

I mean, it is just so much work being smart. You so like him.

Jeremy? I do not. He's my friend. He's my tutor. He's your boyfriend, and you

love him.

Yeah, you love me.

How do you know it is just not my love of knowledge?

Okay,

fine. I like a geek.

Gee, I smell smoke.

Dad?

Well, don't look at me.

I'm not allowed to smoke indoors. No, no, I have to smoke outside in the

freezing, bitter Michigan winter.

Come on, Big Red.

Smells like... C .J.'s van. It's on fire.

Sometimes I smoke in C .J.'s van.

Somebody call 911.

Call 911.

Oh, and somebody tell C .J. Call in for a treat.

In a few minutes, my hair will be extra bouncy and manageable.

C .J., C .J., your van is on fire.

My baby!

You know, Bridget, this is really good.

Shut up.

No.

I'm sure it's an A.

I don't think you need me anymore.

Oh, she needs you.

I need you for tutoring. See, next week I have to debate Lacey in speech class.

Ooh, Lacey.

She's captain of the debate team.

You must have been bad in a prior life.

Oh, she was. She was very, very naughty.

Who's the homeless guy?

Hey, I'd be really insulted by that if I had a home.

Just ignore him. He's our lazy cousin. He lives on the couch.

Well,

your hour's up.

Guess we'll see you next time.

Ooh, if I had a dollop every time I heard that one.

Oh, I can't. I'm going to a party.

You're going to a party?

With girls?

No, see, it's a nerd party, so we flip a coin and half of us show up dressed as

girls.

Yes, there are going to be girls there.

Hot girls?

You ask too many questions.

Bye.

Bye.

You got shut down so hard, I love it.

Sorry, Graham Pyro.

So, C .J., were you just planning on sleeping on the couch all day?

Maybe if it gets some quieter out here.

Please tell me you're wearing something under there.

Now, look, C .J., you cannot just move into my living room. I actually have

people coming over tonight.

Ooh.

Loud people?

Nobody ran that by me.

Just look at him. Look at him. He's taking over the whole living room. Well,

that's because that van you burned down was his home.

Well, if you'd let me smoke inside, never would have happened.

Yeah, now there's logic.

You sound like Bridget.

Whatever.

This is your house.

Take charge. Set some rules. Go on.

Okay.

CJ, I want you to move into your grandfather's room.

I need a favor.

Jeremy's going to some geek party. He needs you to get me in.

What did you just say?

How dare you? What makes you think that I... Can you get me in or not?

Yeah, I can get you in.

But they're not geeks. They're academic.

Okay, whatever.

I'm not an academic, and I don't want to stand out. So is there anything I need

to know?

Yeah. History, poetry, philosophy, addition.

And if you have to speak, don't say totally and so and oh my God.

Okay, I can so do that.

Totally just said so.

And totally. Oh, my God!

Hey,

Grandpa, I hope you don't mind. I used your toothbrush.

You did what?

Yeah, mine was in my van with the rest of my stuff.

Van was a fire trap.

Yeah, this from a guy who was around when fire was invented.

Hey, knock it off, you two. Don't make me come down there.

Okay.

All right, Scooch.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm going to bed.

Oh, not here, you're not.

It's okay, Grandpa. I'm wearing underpants this time.

Well, I'm not.

You're bluffing.

You sure that's a chance you want to take?

You think you can scare me off with it? Oh!

Come on, I'm wearing pajamas, you wimp. The flap!

Sorry.

Don't you have a sleeping bag?

Oh, yeah, I did, but apparently when viewed through 200 -year -old eyeballs,

looks like an ashtray.

You pipe down with the old guy jokes. I'm not so old I can't kick your butt.

Like you could ever catch me, you move at the speed of moss.

Always with the cane. Put the cane down and we go at it. What the hell is going

on? It's bedtime.

He started it. He started it.

Kate, this is just not going to work out. You guys, I'm at my wit's end.

I am a single mom, and I just realized I have five kids.

The three good ones are asleep.

Relax. It's a strictly short term. My girlfriend Sabrina just got out of the

service. Sabrina?

You never mentioned you had a girlfriend.

Oh, yeah. She's going to come here and pick me up. We're going to go to

California. Done, fun, and margaritas.

See, Dad? He won't even be here that much longer. Can't you just put aside

differences for a few days?

Yeah, or would that ruin your plans to smother me in my sleep?

It's not like I had the pillow picked out.

She's here. She's here.

No.

Dad, not every car is going to be CJ's girlfriend.

It only takes one to get his butt to California.

party. Is everyone there going to be smart?

Well, let's see. There'll be Lacey, Jeremy, me. I'm going to bring Kyle. Oh,

Kyle. Thank God.

You know, Bridget, I am really impressed that you are actually going to a geek

academic party.

You know, it just shows a lot of growth in you.

You know, actually, I met your dad at a geek academic party.

Really? Yeah.

You know, I used to only go out with musicians and bad boys.

And then one night, my roommate took me to this party that was being thrown by

this total bunch of writer geeks.

Geek, Mom. Go ahead and say geek.

Never mind. Just have a good time.

That's you.

You're here. You made it.

That's her. She's here. She made it.

All right, love monkey. Here I come.

Oh.

She's actually hot.

Hugging? I've never seen CJ so happy.

Wait, she just pushed him to the ground.

With ease.

No, no, no kissing make -off.

Take him to California.

Now she's heading back to the car. With him on her leg, she's actually dragging

him.

With ease.

And goodbye, love monkey.

of equations and discuss world politics. We're just like everybody else. We can

party hard.

Descartes. Rene Descartes. John Stuart Mill.

I just feel like I stick out. I don't know anybody here.

I do. I think I've stuffed every guy here in a locker.

Jeremy, I'm not crazy. We're from the same party at the same time. What a

coincidence. Bridget, this is a really interesting one. Oh, who's to say what

team belongs to whom?

And it's right.

So you having a good time? Oh, my God, yes. So totally... I

can't

stand to see a grown man cry.

Why don't you get out of here?

Make the pain go away, puppy.

Kate? Yeah?

Make the pain go away.

CJ, tell me what happened.

I don't want Rory to see me like this.

Well, I'm cool.

Well, apparently her therapist, who she's probably sleeping with, told her

needs to see me face to face to end it.

Foreclosure. Glad she's healed, devil woman.

So why'd she dump your ass?

Sorry, C .J., but, you know, since he asked.

Sabrina thinks I'm kind of, sort of aimless. Yeah, right?

With no roots or future like she knows.

And that other blibbity -blab.

Oh, yeah, she's married.

C .J.? Well, she got married because of the other stuff.

You know, maybe you should entertain the remote possibility that she's on to

something. Yeah, you are aimless.

You're living with your grandfather in a basement. What kind of future is that?

Glass houses, Coach Cheese.

You know, CJ, maybe this isn't a bad thing.

Maybe this is a chance for you to start over.

You know, your Uncle Paul always thought you had a lot of potential.

Really?

Yes.

CJ, you're an adult.

It's time to start thinking seriously about becoming independent.

Find a job, a career, go to college.

You know, it's a big, wide world out there. Just spread your wings and fly.

Away.

Far, far away.

Bridget, can I ask you something?

Can you ask me something?

Yes. May you ask me something? I don't know.

No, I can't ask him that. Oh, come on. You know what they say. Nothing ventured

is nothing... Something. Exactly.

All right. Here goes.

So, hey, there's this guy.

And he wants to ask out this really cute girl.

But he's afraid because she might say no.

Well, I think that that guy should take the chance on asking out that beautiful

girl.

Really? Yes, try to.

All right.

I'm going to do it.

Hey, Lacey, you want to go out sometime?

Wait, what?

Sure.

Wait, do you like ponies?

And don't just say yes so you can get with this.

It's really great to see you take such an interest in your studies.

What's that all about?

Oh, what's it about? Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you what it's about, Missy. It is

about me winning Jeremy and humiliating Lacey so much that she can't show her

face anywhere and has to move to, like, the Northern Territories, live with the

bears, until one day she starts riding that bear like a pony, and it turns

around because it's so mad it eats her. And because he hates so much of her, his

face starts to look like Lacey, and all the other bears go, ha -ha, your face

looks like Lacey!

I meant, what's the debate about?

policy. Hey, Dad, where you been?

Jogging.

You're in a good mood.

I couldn't sleep last night.

PJ kept waking me up every time I started snoring. He said, Grandpa,

snoring again. Then when I wasn't snoring, he'd wake me up and, sorry, I

you croaked.

Now, look, Dad, I know...

CJ is cramping all our styles. Damn right he is, and he'll stay here as long

you let him. He's going to walk all over you. No, he's not.

CJ's going to get his act together if we just believe in him.

Come on.

He's family.

Maybe he's not.

We could do a DNA test.

No, don't look at me like that. You're a nurse. Give science a chance.

Hey, guys.

I got great news.

Your girlfriend took you back?

No. Oh, they let you back in the army?

No. You got your van fixed.

I know the news.

How about I'll tell the news, okay?

I took Aunt Kate's advice, and I have enrolled and been accepted into college.

Oh, yes, an institution of higher learning.

Okay, do you mean college or an institution?

Because there's a big difference.

Well, check this out, Carrot Top.

This is my first syllabus.

It's a fun word, isn't it? Syllabus.

Syllabus. You know, CJ, that is great. You are going away to college.

Congratulations. We are so proud.

So how far away?

It's called George Romney Community College.

Community College?

Yeah. I'm taking Intro to Astrophysics and Leatherworks.

I'm sure.

Romney? Why does that sound familiar?

It's next to the gas and sip you limp up to when you want to buy cigarettes to

burn down vans.

Yeah, it's down the street.

You are going to college down the street? Yeah, isn't that convenient?

For you?

Is this your idea of being independent?

You're going to live in my basement while you go to community college till

graduate? Let's see, a two -year college, that should take you what,

years to complete?

Yeah, about.

up for you. Now I feel like you are walking all over us. And if you think

you're going to live here forever for free, you are completely out of your

Did I forget to mention that I'm living in student housing?

Yeah.

Yes, you did.

And that's terrific, CJ.

Dad, did you hear about CJ?

So, in conclusion, our entire society is based on trust.

Therefore, honesty is always the best policy. No lie.

Thank you.

Very nice, Bridget.

And now we'll hear from Lacey.

I offer one final example.

During World War II, many people lied to the Gestapo when asked whether or not

they were hiding Jews.

Those who lied saved innocent people.

What better example to support my position that honesty is not always as

impermanent? Infinite, absolute, the best policy.

Thank you.

Thank you, Lacey.

And now, Bridget's rebuttal.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, well, Lacey over here has made some great points, my esteemed opponent.

However,

um, that, um, that,

oh, that, that thing I said about the society, true.

And, um, yeah, very true. Oh, honestly, honestly, this is, this is, honestly,

the other day I had lipstick on my teeth and Talia told me, even though she

didn't really save my life, if I would have gone out with lipstick on my teeth,

I would have totally died. You know what I mean?

Thank you.

Lacey, your rebuttal?

I'm good.

All right, class, we'll pick it up from here tomorrow.

Hey, nice job.

Yeah, right.

Totally embarrassed myself.

No, you did not.

I mean, it's not as though you have lipstick on your teeth.

It's not funny, okay? I'm humiliated.

Just leave me alone. Go congratulate your girlfriend.

Hey, what are you so mad at me for? I am not mad at you!

She hissed.

You just think you're so smart with your straight A's, and I go to your academic

parties, and I try and be noticed by you, and it's like by a vowel already,

you have to be the dumbest smart guy I've ever seen in my entire life, but it

just turns out you don't even like me. It's fine. Whatever.

Whoa. What?

Bridget, I like you.

I mean, I really like you.

I mean, gosh, you know, you're beautiful, you're sweet, and you're

You know, at most, I thought we could be friends.

But, I mean, I never would have dreamed that Bridget Hennessey would like

someone who... I mean, you know, I'm in my world, you're in yours.

Okay, you're being initiated into some club, aren't you? Because you know...

Will you marry me?

Let's go do the job.

No, wait.

All that stuff you were saying at the party about asking some girl out was

really me, but you didn't want to because you thought I was way, way, way,

out of your league and unattainable and stuff.

You didn't really want to go out with Lacey, did you?

No, we went out.

What? Well, you know, we broke up.

Oh, okay. Yeah, she dumped me.

I mean, I like ponies as much as the next guy, but she's a freak.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on a second.

I am your rebound to pony girl?

Let's try not to look at it that way.

It's so quiet around here without C .J.

It's called pee.

Hey, everybody, what's for dinner?

What are you doing here?

Oh, yeah, I'm back, and I'm in a good mood. In leather class, I got an A

on my belt.

C .J., aren't you supposed to be living at school?

Yeah, well, it's not like I can afford the meal plan.

I'm saving up for a new van, a cool one with flames on it.

coming here every night for dinner? Whoa, hey.

I can't promise every night.

I do have a life.

Hey, Pippi, stop Bogarting the mac and cheese.