Original subtitles

And here is the prize of my baseball card collection.

A Mickey Mantle rookie card in mint condition.

Oh, mint.

And I got two of them.

Dang. Wow, there were two Mickey Mantles?

No, Waldo, there were only... Did they play on the same team?

No, what he meant, Waldo... And most important of all, which one went home to

Mrs. Mantle?

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, Steve decides to talk to Eddie.

Now, Eddo, I really need you to help Laura and me move along our

Uh, I hate to be a downer, but you and Laura don't have a relationship.

Au contraire, Laura's fair.

The lady's been flirting with me.

She has? Oh, yeah.

Just last week, she actually telephoned me in the middle of the night.

Steve, your house was on fire.

Still, she did call.

Steve, what do you want from us?

Ten minutes of your time.

Now, I do feel compelled to warn you, though, that your participation

necessitates donning a costume.

Oh, no way. Forget it. Twenty bucks.

I'm in. Me too.

It's a rare condition.

This day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page. The love and

tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams. Real love bursting out of everything.

We're gonna fill our house with happiness Who may cry

But we'll smother the blues with tenderness Days go by

There's room for you, room for me For gentle hearts and opportunity

Days go by It's the bigger love

of the family

So depressed.

Yeah. I don't think it's possible to be more depressed than this.

Hello, ladies.

We were wrong.

Look. There upon the couch are two beautiful girls.

And one of them is my girl.

I guess you'll say what's gonna make me feel this

way. My girl. His girl.

remind you of the temptations?

No!

More like the repulsions.

Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes.

Yo, I'm just glad we got paid in advance.

Steve, you used to annoy me all by yourself.

Why are you recruiting?

Well, I was hoping to win a kiss from you by singing you a love song.

Oh, that's sweet. Stay out of this, Max.

Sorry.

Look, I'm too tired for this. I was up all night.

Mag and gas bubble?

Max and I camped outside the Chicago theater to get tickets to the Johnny

concert. But they were all sold out.

Laura, you really like this Johnny Gill, don't you?

Are you kidding?

Hair, bang, body, pow -pow!

Oh, please.

Why don't you take away your fancy clothes, his perfect hair, and that

boy, and what do you got?

The sexiest, bald -headed youth in America.

got everything ever written on them.

Oh, wow.

Interesting.

Well, suppose I arranged for you to meet Johnny Gale personally.

Would you like that?

I'd love it, but on no bite.

Suppose I made it happen.

Would you reward me with a kiss?

Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.

But it'll never happen. You have a better chance of being hit by lightning.

How? My uncle Elijah Urkel has been struck by lightning four times.

At a party once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump -started a

Volkswagen.

Then there's in the summer when we use him as the human bug zapper.

Yeah, he's usually knee -deep in dead mosquitoes.

And then there's a time when we went camping and we were in dire... in need

generator, and we just plugged the toaster in the Uncle Elijah and the pop

was mine.

Well, I thought it was a good story.

Carl, you got a minute?

In about an hour, honey.

Now, I was good.

Do you know what next Friday is?

Our wedding anniversary.

20 blissful years of marital happiness.

How'd that sound? Sincere?

Almost.

You know the one thing we never did after we got married?

Pay the preacher?

No, I know, I know. A honeymoon.

But sweetheart, we were so poor.

I mean, when people threw rice at the wedding, I saved some for dinner.

Wouldn't it be romantic if we celebrated our 20th anniversary by finally going

on our honeymoon?

Yeah, but it's so expensive.

I mean, we need a new water heater, the car needs new tires, Judy needs braces.

If we go, I'll wear this.

Here it is, folks.

Cabin number three.

A honeymoon suite.

Are you sure? I mean, this is the honeymoon suite, and most young couples

sleep past the bed.

We want a wall.

Folks, I'm sorry, but no can do.

Look, let me fill you in.

We committed,

well, a construction boo -boo.

We started building all ten cabins at once, and right in the middle of

everything, the darn price of spruce skyrocketed.

I suppose in retrospect, we should have built one at a time and we wouldn't have

been caught with our tool belts down.

Are you telling us that none of your cabins are complete?

Ah, yes. That is what I would be telling you.

Look at this.

I got one foot in snow and the other on floor.

Yeah. Ain't America great?

What about the wild animals?

Well, you know, it is winter. Most of the animals that eat people are

hibernating.

That's it. Come on, Harry. Come on. We're going to take something like that.

Well, suit yourself, but the nearest inn is 100 miles away and they're booked

solid.

You're just saying that.

No, I called myself.

You know, with this storm, I wanted to stay in a room that, you know, has four

walls.

Care for some turkey jerky?

Steve.

Steve.

Steve!

Huh?

Would you please tell me why you're making me sit here with you? Oh, you'll

out soon enough, my little tootsie pop.

Gee, I wonder who that could be.

think so. I'm Johnny Gill.

My, my, my.

He spoke to me.

Oh, my.

Oh,

my goodness,

Mark.

I'm looking for a... Steve Yuckel.

That's Urkel. Steve Urkel.

Listen, my manager gave me your message. Now, let me get this straight.

You actually have a Mickey Mantle rookie card in mint condition?

I might.

Would you be willing to part with it?

Maybe, maybe not.

What's going on?

Business, sweetheart.

Man talk.

Johnny J .G. John Aroni. Mr. Gil. I gotcha.

I might be willing to part with this extremely rare baseball card if you sing

few songs for my honey.

And how many songs are a few?

Oh, say, ten.

Say, one.

but no ballads. Three, all ballads.

Seven, you make moon eyes during the mushy parts.

Four, moon eyes during two.

Six, half her ballads, moon eyes during the mushy parts, and during the chorus,

you shake the old booty.

We have a view.

Do you want to have a snowball fight?

No, thanks.

I do.

Don't go out there. You'll catch a cold.

Harriet, there's no wall. It's the same temperature in here.

Are you in a bad mood or something?

Now, why would I be in a bad mood, Harriet?

I drove three and a half hours through heavy traffic just so we could have our

honeymoon in a cozy, romantic country. Construction boo -boo!

Carl, you act like this is my fault.

Well, there's only two of us in the room, Harriet.

And I know it's not my fault.

Wait a minute, Carl.

I asked you for your input as to where to go. And you said that whatever I

decided was fine.

Well, that was when I thought that you knew what you were doing.

What?

This. You should have found out about the place when you called for

reservations.

Oh.

All right.

Hello. We'd like to book a cabin with a fireplace, a king -size bed, and four

walls.

What are you trying to say?

Carl, I'm saying that whenever things are going well, you always find some way

to take your share of the credit. But when things are going wrong, it's always

me who takes all the blame.

Oh, boy.

I'd play the violin for you if I had feeling in my fingers.

All right, that does it. I wasn't going to say it, but it's got to be said.

Oh, is that right?

That's right.

Carl Winslow.

There's a gold in your shorts.

You know, Harriet, you've said some pretty low things to me in the past.

But what the heck are you talking about?

Look. There's a goat eating your shorts.

Hey.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Do you believe that? He made a meal out of your boxes. Hey.

I wonder what kind of wine goes best with underpants.

Sweetheart. I'm sorry I yelled at you.

That's okay.

Then I'll never forget this anniversary.

Me neither.

Hey, you remember when we first got married?

Our apartment had four walls, but that's about all it had.

Couldn't afford furniture.

Half the time the furnace was busted.

And hardly had any hot water.

But we had each other.

And that was enough.

It still is. Me too.

I love you, Harriet Winslow.

More now than ever.

Hey.

Why don't you go inside and put on that sexy negligee?

Don, it's freezing.

I'll keep you warm.

What about the goat?

Let him get his own woman.

No matter where we go And I'm so proud to be with you I

just want to let you know, you've got me saying my, my, my,

my, my, my, my, my.

You sure look good tonight.

And you're so damn fine.

She do, she do.

And I'm so proud to be with you.

So proud to see you, love.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, baby, I've been wanting you to do. I want you.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

I'm going to see you. You're going to be all mine.

You're going to be all mine, baby.

You sure look good.

Now.

long I think you have a little something for me.

Yes, indeedy.

My end of the bargain.

Your very own Mickey Mantle rookie card.

Yes.

So, Johnny, care to sing at our wedding in a few years?

You know, I'm a very busy man, you know. Too busy for a Ty Cobb and a Honus

Wagner?

I'll be there.

You sure look good, too.

of me to Johnny Gill. And not only that, I got you a serenade, too.

I think you owe me a kiss.

I know.

A deal is a deal.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

One moment, please.

forcing you to kiss me.

Like it's some sort of a business arrangement.

Well, that's precisely what it is.

Oh, that cheapens it.

Oh, Laura, I want you to kiss me, but it has to be voluntary.

I'll just wait for that wonderful moment when you want to kiss me.

Good night, Laura.

Steve?

Yeah?

What you did for me that was really special.

It meant a lot to me.

And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you.

The truth is, you deserve a kiss.

You mean you want to kiss me? I didn't say that.

I said deserve, not want.

Well, I'll take it. Oh, boy.